I am a massive asshole.

Oh, definitely.

Shut up, Supreme-

If anyone was the real asshole, it was Supreme. Total bastard.

I can still hear you, you know-

I stuck my tongue out at the nearest mirror, earning an odd look from a passing servant. I kept on walking, ignoring Supreme's dramatic sigh as I tied my long hair back into a simple ponytail and walked into the entrance to the Sapphire Spire.

I didn't have any real reason to visit Gem, but I was bored and she was always fun to annoy. Ignoring the fact that she was the most powerful wizard in the world and could yeet me out a window if she chose.

If you get yeeted out a window, you will absolutely deserve it.

"Defenestration," I replied absently, taking the stairs two at a time. I was struggling for breath in moments. Why were there so many stairs?

The hell is defenestration-

"It's the act of throwing someone or something out of a window," I told Supreme, grinning. There was no one around, so I spoke to him out loud, using it as a distraction from the burning in my legs from climbing the tower.

Why does Grimmish have a word for throwing someone out a window and not one for the day after tomorrow?

"You don't need to tell me it's a stupid language," I muttered good naturedly, stopping to catch my breath on a landing. I doubled over, panting.

You need to get in better shape, Supreme said disapprovingly, mentally poking me.

"You do it," I wheezed, standing straight again with a sigh. "I ain't doing more exercise than I have to-"

How responsible of you.

I ignored him, taking the last few steps onto the floor I wanted to be on, walking across the hall to Gem's office. As I approached, I heard two voices, Grimmish accents mingling. Gem's voice, already snappish, and Fwhip's voice, teasing.

I stuck my head through the door, and then the rest of me as I strode in, making my footsteps quieter to sneak up on Fwhip. His back was to me, facing Gem, who was sitting in her chair, frowning.

Gem saw what I was doing and nodded imperceptibly, glaring at Fwhip to keep his attention.

I tiptoed behind him as he continued chatting about hats, probably teasing Gem about her giant wizard hat, one of my favorite topics in the whole world.

Reaching him, I wrapped my arms around his chest and tugged him back against me, dropping my head onto his shoulder to grin at him.

Fwhip shrieked, and he almost elbowed me before he realized who I was and relaxed. "You scared the shit outta me," he mumbled, leaning back and tilting his head to look at me.

I pecked him on the cheek, still grinning massively.

"Hello, Sausage," Gem said, getting up from her chair and going around to perch on the edge of her desk with a smile. "And Supreme, of course."

Supreme pushed forward for a moment to give Gem a nod before drifting back and letting me twirl Fwip around to kiss him properly.

"Oh come on you guys," Gem complained as Fwhip kissed me back, only pulling back after we had run out of air and needed to breathe.

It was one kiss, Supreme said, and I shrugged to further convey his point.

"It could be more," Fwhip said, grinning at me.

After Supreme had entered our lives, Gem had fashioned a spell that allowed her, Fwhip, and Pearl to be able to hear Supreme, attached to the amulets we all wore, which already had tracking and protection spells as well.

Mine also had an idiot-proof spell after Supreme had ditched it to keep Gem from tracking us when he first appeared. It would keep the necklace from being taken away from me or me from taking it off unless it was safe or for a good reason.

"If you do that I'm turning you both into hamsters." Gem pulled her staff out of its magical crystal to emphasize her point, waving it at us threateningly.

Fwhip giggled, and I ran my fingers through his curls, the bright red flowing easily through my fingers. I had to ask Fwhip what conditioner he used some time. It was so soft.

"I mean it," Gem said, the amethyst crystal atop the staff beginning to glow.

Gem wouldn't do it. She had threatened to turn me and Fwhip into various barnyard animals plenty of times, but she had never made good on her word to do so.

Sausage...

I smirked at Gem. "What color will I be?"

The staff shot out a bright beam of light, blinding me momentarily, and a moment later darkness began to surround me, my vision tunneling.

The last thing I saw was Gem's smug smirk. Then I passed out.

~~~

Everything looked weird when I woke up.

As in, everything was way bigger than it had any right to be.

Now, I'm a tall guy. Lady. Person. Whatever- height wasn't something I normally worried or cared about, unlike my vertically challenged boyfriend.

Listen, 5'6 is short. Fwhip is short. No matter what he tells you, he's short. Very short.

Would you focus?

Right, the rodents of unusual size.

I blinked at the bright red hamster, which looked to be about my size. A 6'2 hamster would be terrifying, but luckily, it looked like the hamster wasn't the big one.

I tried to take a step back and tripped over my tail.

Wait, a what?

I looked back, seeing a tail along with a lot of red and gold fur. I looked at myself panickedly, heart tripling in speed.

Did it really take you this long to figure out?

I was distracted, okay??

Gem had made good on her threat. I was a hamster.

And so, it seemed, was Fwhip, if the bright red hamster sleeping next to me was any indication.

I got to my feet, wobbling awkwardly. Walking on four feet was much harder than two for some reason-

I managed to get the hang of it after a few minutes and stumbled over to Fwhip, trying to tap him on the shoulder but falling on top of him instead from my lack of balance.

Fwhippyyy wake up we have a problem-

Fwhip squeaked, shooting up- or tried to- and I rolled off, getting more or less to my feet and facing Fwhip, who was standing unsteadily, blinking and looking very disoriented.

"No way-" Fwhip said, the sounds coming out sounding incredibly hamster like but somehow still understandable.

That's because you're hamsters- honestly, why did I get dragged into this too? I wasn't even doing anything! GEEEEEEEM-

I don't think she can hear us, Remi, I said, tilting my head at the room I could see. It was obviously Gem's office, but we were in a glass cage on one of the side tables I hadn't paid much attention to before. There was a running wheel, two hamster sized beds, food and water in the corner, and several other hamster pet things.

The fact that she had all this prepared either meant she had already planned to do this or we had been asleep longer than I had thought. Both were equally concerning.

I am not going to spend who knows how long as a hamster just because you decided to dare Gem-

I rolled my eyes. Supreme was so dramatic.

I can HEAR you!

"Guys, stop arguing," Fwhip said (squeaked?).

"I can't believe Gem actually did this." I shook my head, or tried to, anyways. I ended up swishing my tail and almost knocking myself over.

Supreme snickered.

What an asshole.

The snickering turned to full out laughter. To make things worse, Fwhip started giggling too.

"Oh come on you guys! This is so not fair-"

Maybe I should take control for a while, Supreme managed to gasp out in between the fits of laughter. Since you're doing such a wonderful job with our new body-

"Oh, fuck off," I said, glaring at Fwhip so he'd know that he was included in the statement as well.

"Oh, wait, look!" Fwhip awkwardly lifted a paw to point outside the cage, where Gem was walking in from outside, her familiar Gandalf purring in her arms. He hissed when he saw us, the obstinate furball. Pearl walked in behind her, saying something I couldn't catch.

Gem smirked at us, while Pearl burst into laughter at the sight. "You actually did it! Oh my goodness this is the best day of my life can I keep them? They're so CUTE-"

Excuse me? I'm not cute! I'm dangerous!

Pearl snorted. "Sure, Remi- you're rocking that furry look, by the way."

NOPE. That's Sausage, not me. Nope I am not a furry, no no no.

Are you insinuating that I'm a furry?

Do you even know what insinuate means or did you steal that from me?

Fuck you-

"This is even more entertaining when you can only hear one side of the story," Gem observed. "Enjoying your hamster timeout, boys?"

I didn't do anything at all! This is all Sausage's fault and I'm being tortured unfairly. Supreme complained. Gem, get me out of here!

"Unfortunately for you, if I did that I'd be letting Sausage out, and he most definitely deserves it," Gem said.

"Can I keep them? Pleaseeeeee Gem?" Pearl asked again, eyeing me with a scary look on her face.

Gem tilted her head, thinking. "How about you take Sausage and I keep Fwhip for some sibling bonding time-"

"Oh shit," Fwhip muttered, scrambling back awkwardly to try and hide in the little hut in the corner. Gem smiled evilly and approached, opening the top of the cage.

"Gem, we can talk about this," I said desperately, avoiding her hand. "I'm sorry, okay? I take it back, I won't do it again I promise! GEM NO-"

She grabbed me and pulled me out, handing me to Pearl, who immediately collected me and lifted me to her face with a terrifying look on her face.

"We are going to have SO much fun!" She said, grinning maniacally.

While I was mentally writing my will (with Supreme's help), Gem had grabbed Fwhip and taken her hat off, dumping him inside. The walls were too high for him to climb out, so he just squeaked indignantly.

"Well, I'll see you in a bit, then, Pearl?" Gem said calmly, as if there wasn't a screaming rodent in her hat. "Bring them back in, say, a day? That should be enough time to teach them not to mess with me."

Pearl nodded, pressing me to her chest and squeezing. I squeaked, the air being crushed out of my lungs.

"Careful, they're more fragile now," Gem warned. Pearl released her airtight hold, and I gasped for air.

Pearl waved to Gem, trotting out the door with me clutched tight in her hand, although loose enough for me to still breathe.

"Oh, I can't wait until we get to Gilded Helianthia!" Pearl said excitedly. "We're going to have so much fun!"

Oh, we are so fucked. We are so, so, so doomed.