A/N: Hi, hru all. Here's a little something I wrote when I was at a place I didn't want to go to and so was mad at everything and needed to write some angst. So er- here's a Remus Lupin one shot.

The days building up to the full moon were always the worst. An aching feeling would overcome his body, his sense of hearing and smell would both become slightly more advanced than normal, granting him the wonderful gift of migrains and making him feel slightly nauseous by every meal. Remus Lupin has been suffering ever since he was merely four. Ever since he was bitten. That one bite turned his life upside down.

Each and every young child would fear of the monster in the closet or the monster under the bed. For Remus, he saw himself as the monster. What else was there to describe himself as? He was not human, not anymore. Every month he would turn into a brute, into a beast. Every month he would wake up with fresh scars as a constant reminder to himself that he was not normal, that he would always inflict pain. Every month he would suffer more torture from his wolf deepening the monstrous truth.  A truth that he had known ever since he was four. No longer was their a  life where he could be average human Remus John Lupin who loved everything everyone else would love. Now he was werewolf Remus John Lupin, judged for everything he did, whether it be something an ordinary person would do or not. The being or a werewolf tainted his blood. People were afraid of him without truly getting to know him, he caused the feeling of fright and terror when it hurts him to even hurt a fly, he would never be loved by anyone even though he deserved to be loved the most. No one in their right mind would love a beast. All his hopes and dreams were drained the day he was bitten.

Remus always knew that with being a werewolf, came the inevitable harsh treatment of never being able to be the same as everyone else. People were afraid of werewolves, of him. Hell, he was even frightened of himself. Werewolves are beings that are dangerous and out of control. The wolf changes a person, from sweet and innocent to dark and dangerous, it changes the body and the way they act. It inables abilities an average person could never experience but that is not always a good thing. The darkness that surrounded him in the basement, the dread that ran through him as the pain began to wash over his body, increasing with every breath taken, the sudden boost of being able to hear every little thing, smell every little scent. The trees rustling outside would cause him to be paranoid, the sounds of the smallest of insects scuttling around would become too much as he suddenly would transform. No longer in his human body where he could at least imagine being an ordinary person, he would turn into something savage and would lose control of everything. At that moment his wolf wants to hunt, he wants to taste the fresh meat, listen to the scream of his prey as he tears them apart, he wants to be free. But his wolf cannot get any of this, his wolf is not granted any freedom, shunned from the outside world, trapped in some dark, dingy basement. So he does the only thing he can, he attacks himself.

When Remus regains his memory after each and every transformation, he would recoil in disgust. The wolf is a part of him, everything it felt, he felt. He would never want to intentially hurt anyone, the thought of making someone go through any torture always made him want to throw up, but he was a monster and that's what monsters did. They caused fear and fright, they bought revulsion and detest. Monsters deserved to be locked up, hidden from the world. Monsters deserved every single moment of pain. Monsters deserved to be hated. And as a monster, Remus would always be alienated and abhorred. This was what he deserved.

•••

All that changed when he was given a place to study at Hogwarts, into a place for witches and wizards, a place for him. A place where he belonged.. or so he thought. After swimming around inside his thought bubble, he realised it was all a mistake. He was an out of control beast, he would hurt people. Albus Dumbledore was insane to have believed that a person like him would belong at a school like Hogwarts. He would never fit in, he wasn't like the rest. They weren't monsters. There was only one monster and his name was Remus Lupin.

Oh how he was proven wrong. Within a few months his friends (he was always elated with the idea of friends, with the idea of being a normal kid with normal friends even thought technically he wasn't normal) found out what he truly was. And instead of facing the expected rejection, he was accepted more than ever. And that though of finally being a part of society, somewhere he could actually belong and be embraced always put a smile on his face. He was finally loved and protected so much that his true friends helped him endure the daily nightmares instead of leaving him to suffer all alone. They became animagi for him, they actually cared about him. They thought him to be as normal as the rest of them. The Marauders. He was a Marauder. The book worm, the chocolate lover, the one dubbed as Moony.

...
Life of course became upset at him being happy. It disliked the fact that he was becoming more like an ordinary human. For more than 7 years, he thought himself as normal, for more than 7 years he was loved for being him, for more than 7 years he was delusional. Nothing good ever lasted. Nobody kind enough was ever truly nice. He should have known, he shouldn't have fallen into this trap of illusions. He was a monster after all, and monsters destroyed everything. It was his fault. Everything would always be his fault.

Sitting in his basement, continuously bathing in grief, the brute of a wolf took over. He had forgotten what pain was for a long time. His wolf was trapped and secluded again for the first time in ten years. He couldn't find the stag, he couldn't smell the rat, the dog was nowhere to be found. One claw was lifted and the next thing he remembered was waking up.

His first action was to call out for James, for Peter, for Sirius but of course nobody was there. James and Peter were gone, Sirius a traitor. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Life turned around with a click of its fingers. One day changed everything. The truth sunk in once again, as if the wolf inside of him found where it hurts most and bit into it. He suddenly couldn't move, it was becoming all too much. He was alone once again, he should never have been loved in the first place. He was nothing but a monster and monsters do not deserve love.