SINGLISM PREJUDISM
So I have an almost eighteen and a half (Wow! Remember when he turned eighteen folks?) son and an almost seventeen year old son. And the other day I was talking to number one son - otherwise known as Dylan/Dyls - about, you know... girls?
I mean he's at Uni now, has been for four months. I had to ask.
"Hey, so... no one-"
"I know where this is going mum."
"Surely you've-"
"We're not doing this now!"
"I just-"
"Not talking about it."
So I took a very deep breath, right in the middle of the supermarket aisle and:
"I want a girl damn it I want a girl in the house! Get a girl!"
Yep. That's how it came out. Maybe people suddenly stopped to browse at the eggs... or maybe the bags of flour opposite became significant because the entire aisle of shoppers came to a standstill. Even the chronic music seemed to lower in volume and I swear I felt the cameras all tilted in our direction? And Dylan - well Dylan stared at the wall of sugar... For a long time?
I've had two boys for almost eighteen and a half years... Most of those years they've been alone - the occasional girlfriend making an appearance for a few weeks at best... I have picky sons. Apparently I made them this way?
So yeah, I wanted a regular girl in the house. Some giggling going on, some 'girl-talk' maybe a digging around in my wardrobe for that special something I've been keeping two years now... And not just in the house. We go to functions, parties, dinners out. I wanted my boys to have partners along?
Now here's where it will all turn.
You heard of the word 'singlism'? I hadn't heard it until yesterday (wish I'd heard about it before my supermarket outburst) but it's one of these new buzz words; so new in fact my word doc has placed a red squiggly line under it?
What is it? In a nutshell, me. I am single. And because I am single I am now being discriminated against. Yep, you heard right. I am a victim of unfair behavior and attitude - towards one who is not married or part of a couple.
There is such a thing folks. And I'm it, and it explains so much! Why I am placed at the children's table at weddings. Why I am sat with my parents at extended family functions. Why our number is always an odd one wherever we book somewhere and they have to 'fit' an extra chair in. Okay, there is no direct discrimination in any of the above... more an inconvenience really. But here's the thing: I stopped for a bit and had a think about it?
I don't know of anyone in our vast circle of friends and acquaintances who is single. I'm not talking of parents and their generation who have lost husbands or wives through illness. No. I am talking about my generation. I am talking about roughly 80 people, all paired off? And not just bringing a date along, but either married or in long-term relationships.
So yeah, I get those looks. I get the fact I am talked about. One of them even pulled me aside and told me to find some rich old bloke, marry him and then wait for him to die so that I can 'secure my future'? I politely declined, saying I had no need for security and the bastard might outlive me anyway? (Not in those words.)
Then there's the whole 'family deal' thing going on. Two adults, two children. Everywhere, during our holidays I realized I have ended up arguing. Why is there no concession for a single parent with two children? We are still a family right? And the odd occasion I've had to travel alone, hotel rooms charge a premium for single occupancy?
Even working in Real Estate, I had to be 'pretend married' in the end despite separating from my husband... It wasn't seemly or appropriate for a single woman to be working in that field. Women would have considered me a threat and men well - men are men?
So now I am kinda rebelling internally. A nonsensical notion - because I am not sure what I am actually rebelling against or standing up for? My rights as a single person? My disadvantaged living as a single person? Suddenly there are all these new things to consider? And of course every aspect of my living that I examine contains one or more discriminatory aspects?
Financially, I am disadvantaged in everything from Health Care to Cinema tickets. Socially... boy, how do I even begin to describe the look of the one asking "So you will be coming alone then? What? I am ruining your 10 to a table arrangement? Screwing up your anniverary or your child's birthday or your big 50 party? So you have to tuck me at either the close to the toilet table with the waft of urine or the close to the kitchen table where the bustle never stops and where I am the last to get a much needed refill?
And you dare pity my 'aloneness'? "But don't you feel lonely?"
"Oh not so much now that your husband hit on me, thanks!" (Not in those words, though once or twice the bastards have deserved it?)
Because there's that to deal with too see? Woman my age alone, I must be so fucking desperate, I'll screw anyone - even you, the almost seventy year old - just so I get some attention... feel better about myself right? And the wives are frumpy and the wives have those spare tyres and those fat thighs... Oh I have become quite the connoisseur at spotting serial adulterers over these years.
I am alone through choice. I vowed to not expose my sons to consecutive father figures...I don't do marriage well, that is a given. But I did want to teach my children that love is commitment and marriage a solemn vow and I could not teach them this in an environment of revolving door males? It wasn't such a sacrifice and truth be told, I enjoyed the relative freedoms singlehood provided: Not having to account to anyone, not having my time divided even further, not having added responsibility (I have more than enough thank you, no need for extra loads of washing).
...After Dylan had studied the sugar for some time, he turned to me and said "Mum, I am studying now, I don't need added distraction."
In the moment, I was disappointed. I wanted the girl in the house, the girl at all those functions and the pair to my child. Now? I am conflicted. A part of me still wants this but another part is rejoicing. Because I have accepted through reflection that one can be single by choice and one should not be made to feel 'disadvantaged' or 'discriminated against' because of this choice. My sons are of an age now where they tease me about 'boyfriends' and 'having relationships'. They are old enough to feel comfortable with their mother breaking the vow they don't know has existed.
And I don't know about tomorrow. But today, right now, I assert my right to be single and proud. So look out you judgmental, insecure things who now look down at me! I may well end up with your husband one day. (I won't say it in those words.)
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