"You bitch!"

"You bastard!"

Ten years ago or so, these two met; maybe in a bar, a club, the local library, online or whilst out jogging. Eyes met, hands met, lips met - you get the rest. They fell in love. They nested sometime later. They took the big leap finally and swapped rings officially.

A kid arrived, maybe another. A bigger house? A second car? A second job? Perhaps these arrived too.

Today they're screaming at each other. Could be any number of reasons: One had an affair - one didn't have an affair but was accused anyway; one forgot an important something. One started drinking and has neglected to stop. One lost their job. One lied. One, one, one.

Now she's a "bitch!" and he's a "bastard!"

On the surface, it may seem like it's all the fault of this thing one did or failed to do, this single thing disrupting an otherwise 'comfortable' co-existence. One has the right to vent, when the other introduces chaos and/or instability to the environment, yes?

But how is the leap made from "I love you and I promise to..." (Add any amount of vows here,) "to... you're a bitch/bastard!"?

I've thought about it a lot, seeing and hearing these words voiced in and out of Social Media. Among my friends: the recounting of the thing inciting several utterances of either word.

From bride to bitch. From groom to bastard. I've realised - sometimes taking the time to trace back certain relationships - these words spat out in the moment have in fact been festering for a while. The thing merely presenting just cause to verbalise thoughts already deeply entrenched.

Do little things unsuspectingly pile up over the years? A whole lot of inconsequential-in-the-moment little things amassing, added to by life's necessary and often contrary moments?

A misplaced word here, an unsaid word there; a forgotten something... an overlooked something else. A particular look, a gesture out of context; an impression left by an inappropriate word...

Forgetting to pick up the kids, four times. Neglecting to remind the wife you won't be home for dinner, five times. Promising to do something and not doing it, seven times. Expecting something that doesn't eventuate, ten times...

When is the point reached? Why is this particular instance the one where these two words are exchanged? What makes this one different from the many other petty arguments that ended up as preludes to love-making? Or for that matter, when did love-making become sex?

(As a side-note, I am not including violence and other serious domestic issues sometimes intruding on a union, in this writing. They are justifiably valid reasons to part ways.)

I hear different things with those I interract with:

"She's never been the same since the kids came."

"He's working a lot more now, coming home later and later, always stressed."

"She used to look after her appearance - you know - now it's track-pants year-round."

"He had a great body once. Now he's fat. He doesn't care."

"She was always cheerful, fun to be with. I can't get her to even smile now."

"He'd do odd, silly things. Like surprise me with a weekend away... or sneak into my work just to kiss me."

"She hates everything now. I can't please her."

"He never listens any more. Not like he used to."

"We'd have sex all the time. Now it's got to be fitted in, like a chore."

Relationships evolve over time. This is inevitable. I question though why this evolution is predominantly a moving away from... a distancing over time. I've spoken to many people and observed even more but I have rarely witnessed an instance where time and the ensuing evolution have resulted in an enhancement of that initial shared attraction.

Statistically, it has been proven that married people gain weight and settle into a domesticity - a routine. Catastrophic events tend to separate rather than unite further, evidenced over and over. Any major disruption to the routine resulting in finger pointing, shared guilt and an inability to repair broken dreams or survive tragedies as a couple...

Here's the thing though: Sometimes (and I mean this to come across as rarely, if you apply 'sometimes' to over a lifetime) I see an old couple. They are shuffling down the street and they are holding hands. They are in their seventies and eighties - some even beyond - and still holding hands! I always stop and chat. Always. The holding of hands signifying to me a continuing love and an unwavering commitment to their union; this longevity at odds with the chaotic lives and discarded relationships around me.

 I ask the identical question every time: "What has kept you together?"

I get various responses to the same underlying theme from those few elderly couples:

"We always talked through our problems."

"We never gave up, despite the difficulties."

"We stuck together and supported each other."

The most common one? "People give up too easily these days. They walk away rather than work together. They take the easy way out."

I guess inferring by this that modern couples would rather call it quits than try to disseminate the cause and in identifying it, strive to re-gain the earlier equilibrium.

Yet, the concept of love at its most fundamental core is nothing more than a cocktail of brain chemical secretions, grouped into three stages: 

LUST

That's when Adrenaline is released, a stress response during the first meeting.

ATTRACTION

Dopamine is released at this stage, stimulating desire and reward. The trying to please and feeling appreciated in turn.

Serotonin is also released:  that's why one thinks of one's new partner all the time, focussing on all their positive attributes.

ATTACHMENT

Oxytocin is released once the relationship becomes physical - the more sex exchanged between two partners, the more bonding through this shared chemical.

Vasopressin also makes an appearance after each sexual union and acts as another bonding agent.

Accordingto York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun who has been studying why people fall in love, all you need to do is:

·        Find acomplete stranger.

·        Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.

·        Then, stare deeply into each other's eyes without talking for four minutes.

*http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

So if love can be broken down to a simple systematic release of chemical secretions - and as his study suggested (people undertaking the above steps were left with a strong feeling of connectedness) then one supposes... couples who wean off sex as time passes and other things take precedence; things like raising children, the stresses of work, financial worries, etc. etc. - this lack of chemical release might then present as a major contributor to the distance between couples over time? 

Is sex then the sole driving force of longevity? Many studies point to this, and it certainly makes sense from the perspective of 'chemical love'.

There's still the conundrum of the old folk though. Either there was so much sex and these 'bonding' chemicals somehow outlasted time thereby prolonging their togetherness (I couldn't ever bring myself to ask this question) or something else is at play here, unrelated to the chemical secretions in their brains.

Is the clue to be found in those words of theirs? "People give up too easy these days.They walk away rather than work together. They take the easy way out."

Has the pace of life and its associated pressures to keep up, stay ahead, maintain the upward mobility... caused us to replicate this impatience when dealing with our loved ones? Really, are we so focused on surviving the world 'out there' that we neglect the world of most importance to us?

And who is ultimately to blame here? The couples too tired and stressed to feel 'romantic' at the end of each grueling day? The world itself - evolving into one chaotic mass-consumption and improvement-focused environment? Technology and its plethora of distractions?

Maybe next time we feel the urge to voice these words... maybe we need to pause and question - "What am I saying here? Why am I saying this?"