Guys. Do not, and I mean, do not read my review for Keep A Secret by Mochi711. Just, uh... don't look at it!!! Especially the characters section!

Anywhoooooooo-

Who????

WHO????

WHO IS MY HEART WAITING FOR-

Ahem.

Time for the sixth set of results! Woo-hoo!

Congratulations to the first place prize and runner-up, and also to everyone for participating and doing amazing!

Remember one contest doesn't define who you are as an artist. Along with that, many people who don't place in one category go on to win in others. Contests are meant to bring people together, and that includes bringing you into yourself and feeling just how hard you've worked and how far you've come. So, truly, thank you for participating, and I hope you know everyone here wants to support you!

When it comes to my suggestions, remember these awards are for fun, so take everything with a healthy grain of salt and only use what works for you. If you disagree with something I say, that's absolutely fine, though please stay respectful and remember to disregard anything that you don't think will work for you or you disagree with. Any arguments or insults will be deleted, though questions are, of course, welcome, but please give me some time to reply to them. Also, remember this is just one person's opinion out of eight billion people on the planet, so please do not be discouraged.

Also also, just so you know if you did not see already, I update the Forms chapter to show which categories are in-progress and which ones are completed. Ones being judged are marked as "judging," and ones that are done are marked as "judged." So if you ever want to see which categories are in-progress, please check the Forms chapter!

With all that said, let's move into the runner-up and first place winners!

(don't look at my review for Mochi pls)

1st Place

The Bedell Bride by QuinceArchFortes

Review:

Chapter judged: Pen-A-Tale

Characters: 10/10. The main character is Sadie, who is the focal point of the story, though Rupert is an important character as well. Despite not being there physically for very long, he is arguably just as important as Sadie due to his impact on the story and Sadie, who is the one directing the themes.

As you can probably already tell based on the score, I think the character work here is great. Sadie is a compelling character with a relatable and tragic background. She's easy to like because we want to see her succeed, and watching her attempt to drown herself is a hard read, but I mean that in a good way.

It's a short story, so we don't go on a really long journey with Sadie, but within just a few minutes, you get us invested in her heart and soul. That's an impressive feat, and I enjoyed reading about Sadie. I felt bad for her right away and wanted to give her a hug through the screen. The flashback was concise, which was good since sometimes flashbacks can feel very forced, so it was a welcome inclusion that didn't become distracting from the overall narrative.

Rupert was also an awesome addition. He didn't overstay his welcome either, and the short screentime we got for him left a solid impression, where we felt for his character and his sacrifice for Sadie's happiness. Without even really "showing" him in the traditional sense, we know who he is at heart because of his decisions. Both of them are active characters who bounce off each other well, so great job with that.

Overall, the character work present throughout the short is very good. Sadie is a sympathetic character who is well-written and has a satisfying arc. The flashback was just enough to set the groundwork for Sadie's grief without overstaying its welcome, and Rupert's involvement was minimal but impactful. Everything flowed together to create interesting, engaging characters, and I have no critiques.

SPAG: 8/10. When it comes to the technical quality of the piece, it's good! The sentences are pretty fluid and do a good job presenting the ideas without any major issues. I didn't notice any spelling errors, and the syntax is pretty good as well, with the sentences having a good balance between clarity and beauty to reflect the beautiful chaos happening inside Sadie's mind. The general grammar is strong, too, with the tone remaining consistent and the sentences having diverse structures without feeling forced or incorrect. So, all in all, the SPAG is good, and I have minimal critiques.

Suggestion-wise, there are semi-frequent comma errors. I've spoken about comma errors in the past, so I won't talk your ear off about it as I'm sure you'd far rather me talk about the themes and narrative, though for sake of fairness and explaining the deductions, I do have to quickly cover them here, but I'll try to be brief and give two examples.

Example one: Tomorrow was the big day and it was going to be a late night back at the bed & breakfast prepping for the reception.

Consider: Tomorrow was the big day, and it was going to be a late night back at the bed & breakfast prepping for the reception.

Grammarly recommends a comma after breakfast and before prepping as well, but I get what you mean with the sentence, so the second comma isn't needed and makes more sense without it, in my opinion.

Example two: The current was mellow but she found herself wandering nonetheless.

Consider: The current was mellow, but she found herself wandering nonetheless.

So I won't talk your ear off about it any further, though I do still need to mention that there were quite a few comma errors throughout, and tweaks to them could benefit the technical writing.

Overall, the technical writing is good and does a good job keeping the story fluid. The spelling is exceptional, same with the general grammar, and the only consistent error was with commas. The fluidity of the piece is good and will keep readers immersed!

Emotions & Themes: 9/10. This is a theme-focused story, with the focus being on hope, moving on, and dealing with grief. I've been on record time and time again saying how grief is my favorite topic in media. It's one of the most fascinating human emotions that can spiral into other emotions and say a lot about human relationships and how our brains work, so it's safe to say I enjoyed the theming being about grief and also how maturely it was handled. There weren't jokes for sake of having jokes/levity, and it maintained a mature tone and seriousness that's needed for a topic of this kind. There were lighter moments, namely with Sadie traveling to the spot and realizing she was getting older, but nothing out of place or to the point where it took away from the seriousness this story deserved.

So all of that is to say I appreciate how you handled this topic with such maturity and showed Sadie in a positive light as someone struggling with something no one should have to go through: losing their spouse before they even tie the knot. Sadie's emotions are realistic and portrayed well. The language has its beautiful moments but also doesn't go over-the-top, making for original descriptions that fit in nicely with Sadie's character and the general tone.

Another thing is I appreciated the supernatural/ghostly aspect following Rupert. It's totally possible this was just a figment of her imagination and her looking for a way to survive, but it's also totally possible this was 100% real and an actual moment of the supernatural showing itself to her. Either direction works very well for the story and, again, didn't feel out of place. It can be easy for supernatural elements to feel out of place or sudden, but here, it felt needed. Sadie's arc is completed as a result, and it's a beautiful, hopeful conclusion, showing grief is an integral part of our lives, and it will shape us, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless; there is always a light guiding us home. Sometimes that light is grief itself and all we've lost, giving us new meaning, purpose, and a reason to push forward: for them. It's a solid conclusion that's thematically rich and will get a lot of readers tearing up by the end, and it's all done concisely without overstaying its welcome!

Suggestion-wise, not much. Only some small things that can further bring out the emotion. I have one thing where one emphasis word I noticed was used a lot, but I'll talk about that in the next section since I wrote an explanation for it there before I began writing this section. Another thing is the comma errors could be tweaked to give the sentences slightly stronger flow and therefore help the emotions hit their emotional high even stronger than they already do; however, both of those things are very minor and things I already talked about or will talk about, so I don't think it's fair to take off much for those things, especially when the emotions are good, therefore this deserves a near-perfect score.

Overall, the themes and emotions in this short are good, covering topics surrounding grief and how it can consume someone but ending with hope to have an inspiring, uplifting message about the light at the end of the tunnel. Sadie is a relatable character who carries these themes with her, and I think you did a good job presenting them.

Narrative: 9/10. The narrative is simple yet complicated: a widow who lost her husband before they could even get married has taken the same trek for many, many years, and this year, she decides it's time to end the treks once and for all by joining her husband up in the sky.

This is a simple premise but one that has much emotional depth. This is a very theme-driven story, so most of my thoughts on the narrative were already shared in the previous section, and it also explains the near-perfect score here: it's a good narrative. There are no plot holes or inconsistencies, it's well-paced, and it supports the themes and main characters well. You don't ever get too complicated or try to explicitly explain the whole ghost thing and what happens after we die. This is a story about grief, not those kinds of questions, and you keep it grounded which, in turn, keeps the readers grounded as well.

Suggestion-wise, as you can probably tell based on the high score, I don't have much. The only very minor thing is I noticed there were quite a few uses of "just" throughout, with some sentences being awkward as a result of its presence in the sentence. It's not a huge deal, but since "just" is an emphasis word, the more it's used, the less emphasis it has later, hence why I recommend considering downsizing on it, especially in a short since there's a smaller sample size, so repeating words is more noticeable.

Overall, this is a great narrative. It's theme-focused and keeps its focus on said themes well, with the tone remaining consistent and mature, same with the general direction of the plot. There are no inconsistencies or plot holes I noticed, and everything flows from point A to point B clearly with no pacing issues!

Title/blurb/cover: 8/10. The title is The Bedell Bride, which fits in well with the narrative, is capitalized correctly, and sparks intrigue. It flows off the tongue well, too, and it's pretty without being over-the-top or confusing. For those reasons, I have no critiques of the title!

As for the blurb, it's good! It sets up what the story is going to be about with clear SPAG and clear direction. It's not a long blurb, but it sparks intrigue with unique language and a solid sense of direction. We know what the story is going to be about after reading it.

The only minor critique I have is this: A ghost story like no other, get ready for a hauntingly beautiful tale that will live on. Here, this sentence is a tad awkward and felt unneeded, in my opinion. I was hooked by the first few words, so having a concluding line like this wasn't for me, though I understand why it was included as a little final punch to try and convince readers to read, it just wasn't personally for me. Overall, though, the blurb is strong and does a good job hooking readers in concisely.

As for the cover, it's also nice. It has a good font and color scheme. It's visually satisfying and sets up what's to come. It shows the water and the bride clearly. It's exactly like the story: beautiful but not over-the-top, making it balanced and a perfect fit. For those reasons, I have no suggestions for the cover!

Total: 44/50.

Runner Up

The Girl Who Walked Into The Woods by toxicfiery

Review:

Characters: 8.5/10. Aurora Vale is the main character, and I think she works for this story. She's smart in the beginning by choosing what to pack and bringing two phones. Well, one could argue going into the woods in the first place wasn't exactly the smartest idea, but honestly, she's a risk-taker, and I can appreciate how the plot gets moving because of her active choices. At least she's going about it in a more intelligent way than most horror/paranormal protagonists would, which makes it easier to care for her.

Something I find particularly impressive is how consistent Aurora is throughout the narrative. Her traits are pretty clear right off the bat and stay that way for the entire runtime. She has strong survival instincts that clash with her curiosity. I.e. when she freezes and observes the man, it's a mix between her curiosity and survival instinct. She feels pulled in to the idea of understanding what's going on, but the instinct to run creeps up on her, too. That's a small moment, but she's consistent with those traits throughout.

Another example would be with her saying "No thanks" in response to the voice. It's a clear character moment that shows her humorous side along with her stubborn courage. She's like this throughout the entire narrative, and I thought that was enjoyable.

And the last example I'll mention is her instinct to film everything is another nice touch. She has this strong desire to document the "truth," which adds even more consistency to her characterization.

These all may seem like small things, but they add up in the grand scheme of things to make Aurora feel consistent. I've read full books where the characters don't get this much characterization, and this is a ten-minute short. It's impressive how you're able to characterize her so much with so few words, all by showing us her traits rather than telling us everything.

Suggestion-wise, not much. Just a small thing: Aurora's internal reaction to seeing the man in her kitchen could be expanded upon ever-so-slightly. Like a quick flash of her thought process. Is she paralyzed? Angry? Trying to rationalize what she's seeing? We get a small glimpse with her not wanting to see, but as she pieces the... well, pieces, together, it could be interesting to have even the tiniest of insights into what she's thinking and/or feeling.

Similarly, a hint of Aurora's stubbornness could be a way to show this by the end. Maybe she's thinking No, this can't be happening or This isn't real before the final line to tie it back to her general stubbornness. Not a must by any means, but little hints like that could be interesting and give the ending even more emotional impact.

Overall, Aurora is the main character, and she is a strong protagonist. Despite her limited screentime, she makes a deep impact on the story and elevates the themes well, as I'll talk about more throughout the review. She's a strong focal point for the narrative, and I all in all enjoyed her character.

SPAG: 8/10. When it comes to the technical writing of the piece, it's pretty good! There were minimal errors, and nothing major that ever took away from my comprehension or enjoyment of the piece. The spelling was great, same with the punctuation and general grammar. Technical writing is hard to perfect, and it's rare to find such good technical quality on Wattpad, so this was a nice breath of fresh air to have such a fluid read. Great job with the technical quality of the work!

Suggestion-wise, just a few things. There were no major consistent errors but some small editing things that could be tweaked.

Firstly, the opening seems to take place in the past yet is not written in past perfect. It occasionally has past perfect tense, like had asked, but isn't fully committed to it. Some more consistency with if it is past perfect or regular past could be beneficial for keeping readers clear with the timeline of the story.

Other than that, there are just a few editing errors that could be tweaked.

Example: Soft. male. Very close (chap 2).

Here, there is an extra period/full stop. Consider: Soft male. Very close.

Example: ...their eyes shifted like something in the air might be listening

(chap 1—missing end punctuation)

Consider: ...their eyes shifted like something in the air might be listening.

Example: "Aurora? oh my god... finally! Are you okay?" (chap 3).

Consider: "Aurora? Oh my god... finally! Are you okay?"

Otherwise, the grammar is very good!

Overall, the technical writing is fluid and made for a clear, entertaining read. While I don't mind SPAG errors and absolutely understand them (we all make them, after all), it's nice to read a story that is very polished and has good technical quality. Other than some minor editing errors that could be tweaked, the technical writing was good and did a good job keeping me hooked.

Emotions & Themes: 7.5/10. There are plenty of strong elements regarding the emotions and themes. There is a blurred line between dream and reality that acts as a thematic thread. There's the false sense of safety after she awakes that's executed well from a writing perspective, as it brings the reader into her disorientation. It adds not only to the dream-like thematic elements throughout, but it also adds to the emotions since we're being put in Aurora's shoes.

I will talk in better detail about it in the next section, but the ending was very strong, and the man returning added to the idea that it "remembers." It's a good emotional moment that expands on the world and gives Aurora's character closure. She does find out quite a bit about the forest, but at what cost? It's an interesting resolution, and the final line ("I told you to leave that place") gives the story a nice, rounded-out feeling.

Another thing is the forest is its own character, which makes for another layer of emotions. It's almost like the forest is the protagonist and Aurora the antagonist in certain areas. The forest feels very alive and predatory, and seeing as the forest is the whole plot, it's good that it feels so interactive.

Suggestion-wise, not too much, just a few things I'll go over. One is it could be interesting to expand on Aurora's motivations just a little. She's a curious character, so I can buy her going out into the forest, but there is only a small mention of her father. Some more clarity about her motivation to go into the forest could be interesting, even if it's not directly told and is more vague/shown through clues (i.e., maybe she brings a lucky charm her father had given her before he entered the woods for himself). Or maybe there are other reasons, such as boredom, grief, or a strong desire to challenge fate? A hint here and there could make the emotions more layered.

Similarly, in chapter two or three (but probably two, while she's in the forest), it could be interesting to have a reinforcement of the theme. As in, while she's in the forest. Maybe Aurora mentally recalls the woman's words about the forest "remembering," and it can make her wonder what the forest is "remembering" at that time. The forest is the most interesting part of the story. I do like the ending and love how it was left open to interpretation, so I'm not saying you should give hard answers during chapter two, but fleshing out the general environments and the feeling of being there could be interesting.

Another way to do so could be to intensify the sensory experience. Maybe when Aurora hears the voice and/or runs, there are quick sensory overload moments woven throughout, like describing her heartbeat, the smell, ears ringing, or any of the five senses, really. None of those are musts by any means, but they could be worth considering if you write a future story like this.

Overall, the themes and emotions present throughout the story are good, offering the reader a well-rounded reading experience and many emotions to take away from the narrative. I only had minor suggestions to intensify the emotions further, though I all in all believe the emotional quality of the work is good.

Narrative: 8/10. The narrative follows Aurora, a woman ready to go into the woods to discover its secrets. She's been warned time and time again not to go into the woods, but she doesn't listen. The story begins with her preparing to leave and eventually entering the forest on her own. While going into the woods you've been warned to stay away from isn't exactly ideal for most people, at least she did take precautions and brought two phones in case anything happened to one of them, and she was well-packed and ready for adventure.

There are plenty of positives to take away from this narrative. I know this is probably ironic to start with, but the ending is what I'd like to start with. I love the ending and think you ended it right where it needed to. It lets the readers come to their own conclusions about what the woods are about. You don't actually tell us the secret of the woods. We get clues, but even then, is that even real? Is it a hallucination? But the ultimate answer lies with the reader, and that's great. It makes it more mysterious and allows us to draw our own conclusions based on the information given. For those reasons, I have no critiques regarding the ending.

I also like how you don't hit us over the head with all the warnings. Yeah, we see the warnings Aurora is given and can see going into the woods is a bad idea, though it's not like you keep beating us over the head with it and continuously showing everyone telling Aurora no. We get to the woods pretty quickly, with just enough beforehand to give the decision more weight without it becoming repetitive. It allows for proper setup into the woods without becoming too much that the audience gets bored.

In general, it's pretty well-paced, with us getting the ball rolling in chapter one, having the meat of the story in chapter two, and having the conclusion in chapter three. None of the chapters are too long and instead say exactly what they need to. This story is more of an experimental concept, I'd say, where you're presenting an interesting idea in a unique narrative way. It's short but concise and doesn't overstay its welcome, which I thought worked well for the chosen narrative.

It's a classic woods horror, though I think it takes the common genre and makes it more interesting by having an open-to-interpretation ending and a more intelligent/interesting protagonist than other protagonists within the same genre. So, for those reasons, I think the narrative is good.

Suggestion-wise, just a couple of things. The main thing is the choppy writing style particularly present in chapters two and three began to get a tad repetitive for me. I understand what you were going for with it, and I think it actually is nice to use for the last chapter especially in certain areas, though it was used quite frequently throughout, which got a tad distracting for me. So that's not to say don't use it, though maybe consider downsizing on it. If not in the end, then maybe through chapters one and two to give chapter three's choppier style more emotional impact.

Another thing is just a tiny thing and not a must by any means, but the voice at the end could carry even more impact if there's a hint of something otherworldly about it, like a distortion, a strange familiarity, and/or something else connecting it to the forest's whispers. Maybe this is an opportunity to connect it to her father. I.e., maybe the voice almost sound like her father's (since the forest always remembers). Though that's just a random idea and could be totally out of pocket for the aim of the narrative.

Overall, the narrative is strong, with it being a classic woods horror story, but this classic is handled in a fun, consistent way, featuring a good protagonist who remains consistent throughout, a strong ending, and solid pacing to keep it entertaining to read along with very intriguing.

Title/blurb/cover: 6.5/10. The title is The Girl Who Walked Into The Woods. It does quite literally say what the story is going to be about, though it could be more cinematic and shorter. It is very literal, which isn't inherently a bad thing, though most recommend keeping titles within 3-5 words for the strongest memorability. That's not to say titles lower or higher than that range aren't good, though (just look at Dune; that's a one-word title, yet that's one of the most influential books in history). So it's not a must by any means, but a more cinematic title could be beneficial to sparking reader intrigue.

As for the blurb, it's good. From a technical standpoint, it's very well-written. None of the grammar checkers I put this through flagged any errors, so it is free of technical writing errors. Having a grammatically-sound blurb is extremely important. Errors happen, of course, though if they can be limited in the blurb especially, that's amazing, so great job there.

Creatively, it's also good. The plot is presented to us with just enough information to get us interested without exposition-dumping or giving away too much. We're shown who the main character will be and are given a reason to read since we know the stakes and what awaits us if we click on the book. The only minor thing is I wasn't a huge fan of how split up the blurb was, as there were many paragraph breaks that felt unneeded, though I also see the vision for the more poetic style, it just wasn't personally for me. Maybe others love it, so that's definitely something to take with a grain of salt; however, I still overall like the blurb.

As for the cover, it has a very nice background image. It reflects what the story is going to be about well, and the image is also of high quality. This might be one of the highest image qualities I've seen on a cover. It's an intriguing image, too, and it's very visually appealing!

Suggestion-wise, the only thing is the text could potentially be tweaked, as the white is very bright on an otherwise dark cover and features a relatively simplistic font. White does make sense since it is pretty clear, though the background image is very fitting for the story, so a font and/or font color that fit in more with the story and background image could be beneficial. Overall, though, the cover still works for the... well, work!

Total: 38.5/50

ALL REVIEWS:

Keep A Secret by Mochi711

Review:

*Since this story performed well and was very close to the runner-up position, I will be giving additional votes to the story to celebrate its originality and strong writing.

Characters: 7/10. Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave. Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave.

Oh, sorry, were you expecting something critical, analytical, and professional? Were you expecting a helpful review?

Well, Esi, Mochi, Acey, Casey, queen, my hottie, my girlfriend (don't tell E), and any other nickname out there, you thought wrong, and it's your fault, not mine—you put Gustave the goat in your story. You should have expected this. Yes, I am victim-blaming. You are the one who brought this upon yourself!!!

(for anyone reading this who is confused as all heck, Mochi put a character named Gustave in her story, inspired by the Gustave from Expedition 33, who is the Gustave I have been obsessed with for the past few months)

So, with all that said, let's get to it:

Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave-

Okay, okay, I'll stop now.

Lol no I won't.

Gustave is so fine that my American a$$ don't care that he's French. That French man can overcharge me any day (it's a reference to the game I swear I swear-). 

Whew. 

What. 

A. 

Man. 

Hang on, lemme find pics. Let's appreciate THE Gustave.

Wattpad's image limit hates to see me coming 💅💅💅

Good lord. If he looked at me like that, he'd be getting the whole population of China I stg.

And, lastly, him with Maelle:

"We could never tell if you were my brother or my father..." Maelle idk about you but he's definitely a FATHER FIGURE 😍😍😍

Okay is he just tall, or is Maelle really short?

Anywhozzles, all pictures taken by me because I spamtastically pressed the screenshot button on my third playthrough of the game every time Gustave came on screen!!!

(There's a joke in there somewhere... but it's an awards, soooo-)

Teehee I love me some semi-long-haired, tall, traumatized, metal-armed, fictional male leads. Teehee. Oh golly gee, what a man.

How am I bisexual but the only thing I can pull are fictional men and celebrities who don't even know I exist?

Senior Wattpad Ambassador btw.

:D

Moving into an actual review, the characters present throughout the story provide interesting personalities and tie into the plot well, often directly pushing it forward and thus making them incredibly active characters. I'll talk about the plot more in the narrative section (obviously), but I wanted to bring it up here since the characters are the reason the plot even happens, which are the kinds of plots I enjoy since when the characters are the ones stirring the pot from the very beginning and not just stumbling into the plot and needing to become active from there, it shows us really early on how they're going to impact the story and each other, so that was nice.

Another thing is it's interesting how, with many of the characters, you can tell what kind of people they are right away. I'm not just saying this because he's named after Gustave, but genuinely Gustave is a primary example of this. Dee and Reina get this treatment as well, though that's more apparent when the mistake happens. With Gustave, you can tell what kind of person he is within one paragraph of meeting him. He's expressive and does a good job. While he isn't too too important in terms of overall impact and is a side character, it is still nice how we got to know quite a bit about the kind of person he is with the limited screen time he had.

And, again, no, I'm not just saying that because he's Gustave.

But, y'know...

Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave.

Anyway, moving back into the thick of it (into the thick of it... into the thick of it 😎), the two main characters are Reina and Dielle. They show very different reactions to the mistake that happens, which I think does a good job showing their contrasts but also the way they're able to work together under pressure. You truly don't get a better look at characters than when they're under immense stress, and that was a good way to show us how Reina could think fast, same with Dee. They definitely had a believable friendship that I think will keep readers invested as they go through the interesting plot.

Suggestion-wise, not too much. The main thing is mostly tied to the underworld plotline, as them being in the underworld can lead to some head-scratching moments. Namely how Reina, who is relatively intelligent based on what we're shown, never noticed a tattoo on the back of Dee's ear.

I'm going to take off from characters instead of narrative for these things since I think it makes more sense in characters (as these critiques are based on character decisions), but they could apply to the narrative, too: if Dielle is the "big bad," if you will, of the underworld, why was she at all worried in the penultimate chapter about dying? I can maybe understand she's trying to put on a performance since she thinks Reina is nearby, though I don't know how she'd know that when she was brought there blindfolded, unless the henchmen spoke to Dielle beforehand, but if so, why didn't the henchmen just kidnap Reina when they were alone what I assume was a few hours prior to them kidnapping Dielle? They had Reina dead to rights, and Dee did know the whole time who they were (she herself says this in the last chapter), so did they know who she was? If they did, the question circles back to why bother with all the show and dance? Why not just kidnap Reina at the same warehouse she ends up in anyway?

However, I can write that off as okay maybe Dee was just being overly cautious like she has been throughout the story and fake screamed for sake of the potential Reina was there. That still wouldn't solve why the henchmen didn't just take Reina when they were alone (assuming they knew Dielle prior, and if she was being extra cautious, then it'd make more sense for her to kidnap Reina while they were alone rather than give her a chance to flee), as how Reina was taken was never shown, but again, that's a small thing I can write off.

The thing that even has me bringing this up is the main issue. I can write off potentially fake screams and the confusing plan about how much these henchmen know at what times, but what can't be written off is Dielle's inner thoughts. She can have reason to physically and outwardly be worried and screaming, but her inner thoughts throughout the story make it seem like she doesn't know anything about the underworld when that wouldn't be true. It feels purposefully misleading to make the audience not predict the twist rather than something the character would actually think since, realistically, she has no reason to be misleading in her own thoughts.

So, long story short, Dee's reactions and thoughts throughout the story don't line up with who she is, which makes the twist feel convoluted rather than a natural progression of the story. Removing these inner thoughts could be beneficial to make the twist feel more believable and give more narrative structure to this reveal.

Overall, the characters are interesting and have strong starts along with interesting personalities to make them stand out from one another. I was engaged with their stories and wanted to see where they went next. There was some confusion at the end with the gang plotline, though I still all in all like the characters.

SPAG: 8/10. GUSTAVEEEEEEEEE 😍😍😍

Wait, this isn't the characters section. Oh, sugar, it's the SPAG section. AHHHH I CAN'T TALK ABOUT GUSTAVE??? SUGARRRRRRR :(

Anywho!

Wait, who?

WHO???

WHO IS MY HEART WAITING FORRRRR

And the answer is Gustave lol-

Okay, anyway!

When it comes to the technical writing of the piece, it's pretty good. The spelling is good, same with the punctuation and general grammar. The sentences and paragraphs are pretty smooth, and the word choice and language does a good job keeping the readers grounded, too. When the technical writing is good, there's not much else to say other than it's good, so all in all, you did a nice job with the technical writing.

Suggestion-wise, not too much, as you can probably tell based on the high score. Just some small editing errors that could be tweaked that I'll leave below.

Example one: A different guy was there, and quickly ducked into the tree line when he realized he was spotted (chap "Of Them").

Consider: A different guy was there and quickly ducked into the tree line when he realized he had been spotted.

Example two: "I have some errands to run so I'm going to head out, okay?" (also Of Them)

Consider: "I have some errands to run, so I'm going to head out, okay?"

So nothing major, but some small things that could be tweaked to help with the all in all fluidity of the work. These were semi-frequent, so I'd recommend considering editing some of these editing errors out.

Overall, the technical writing is good and does a good job carrying the reader from point A to point B smoothly. The story comes out at a fluid pace and feels fun to read as a result. Other than some minor errors that didn't take away from the enjoyment of the story, the technical writing was great!

Emotions & Themes: 7.5/10. The emotions present throughout the short are nice! I said it once and I'll say it again: how you introduce the characters is great, with us seeing their emotions right of the bat. It's an emotional start, with us knowing what's about to happen (cause dramatic irony :P), so we're left tense and waiting for what's inevitably going to happen to happen, and when it does, all the emotions Dee in particular are feeling come flowing out, and they were handled very well! Great job!

This story is almost like a cautionary tale against doing silly reckless things, but it also has commentary on friendship, especially with the ending and how it's revealed Dee had no plans to harm Reina, but then Reina went after her first. It's a story about betrayal and how it can impact a friendship, which are all interesting subject matters to cover, and in a story that's about mystery and crime, I think these are solid emotional backdrops to have, and they all make the story more interesting!

Suggestion-wise, not much. Since this is almost like an accumulation section, most of my suggestions have been given already or will be given in the next section, so I'll only briefly go over some things. I have some comments on telling over showing I'll go over next section, and the twist of Dee's backstory and real character could be presented more naturally with the character thoughts being less misleading, though otherwise, I liked the emotions.

Overall, the emotions and themes are strong here, with the emotions starting off on a bang (literally lol) with a powerful inciting incident. I only had some suggestions, all of which either being talked about earlier or will be talked about next, so all in all, the emotional side of the narrative is good.

(P.s., Gustave's hot)

Narrative: 7/10. The story is about two friends who went camping, then, following a reckless decision, find themselves in hot water with the law, leading to two friends trying to keep a secret, hence the title, though it descends even further from there as police find a piece of evidence that connects at least one of the two to the crime, and the two have to band together to attempt to make it through.

I think this is a simple premise for a narrative taken in the right way. I was pretty hooked throughout the story and wanted to see how these friends would navigate this situation. I liked how the plot only started because of a character flaw (recklessness), giving the characters more depth since we get to see how they react to these situations. It sets a solid foundation and a good hook for the story since we get right into it without wasting time but also have a nice beginning to show the characters and their basic dynamic and personalities before leading into the inciting incident.

The pacing was also good, with the story being short (well... it is the short story category) but having enough chapters to set up the core plot. It doesn't stray from the plot and add in filler for sake of padding out the runtime, but we also get a decent chunk of characterization throughout. So, to summarize that, it's well-paced from both a plot and character perspective.

It's just all in all a nice story. It has a solid idea with characters that push the plot forward that doesn't overstay its welcome. It was a fun read that I enjoyed!

Suggestion-wise, just a few things. Firstly, there's some moments of unnecessary telling over showing. I've probably said it in the past, but I feel the need to emphasize it since I don't want to be lumped in with "that" crowd: every story needs telling to a certain extent, so I'm not saying you need to show everything. Telling is needed, and I very strongly disagree with anyone who says otherwise. A good writer doesn't avoid telling like the plague; a good writer knows when to use it effectively. That said, if there are moments where telling can be downsized, I would suggest considering downsizing on it. By that I mean, we know when the characters are nervous or scared or similar emotions because it's told to us through lines like "Serious. Very serious" and similar moments where we're told what the characters are feeling explicitly. Sometimes we need to be told what they're feeling explicitly, though if there are ways to downsize on it, it could be beneficial for the story.

Secondly, the chapter titles kind of give away what's going to happen. I could guess where it was going basically right off the bat because of the titles, even the twist that the killing wouldn't be successful due to how it's formatted and all of that. It's not a huge deal since I enjoyed the story regardless, though the chapter titles did, at least for me, kind of give it away.

Thirdly (and lastly), the plot started to lose me a bit by the end. I think it ending with the "film" reveal was a bit much and also on-the-nose since it directly told us what it was a reference to instead of letting us fill in the blanks ourselves or do research on the topic. It feels more like an author's note to tell us "this is what the story is supposed to be about" rather than something that gave the story more depth. It could have been interesting to come to that conclusion ourselves or simply have an actual author's note at the end to say that's what it was, though having it explicitly told to us in the story itself was a tad jarring, in my opinion. I, of course, appreciated seeing Maelle, though I felt the film ending was unneeded.

Similarly, it started getting a little too complicated by the end. The gang plot being introduced at the end and everything involved with Dee started to get a bit hard to follow for the reasons I listed earlier, so some tweaks to the clarity of the timeline, how Dee got out of the warehouse alive (did she know the henchmen prior and talk to them, or did she notice their tattoos then and there and told them who she was?), and general tweaks to clarity could be beneficial.

The plotline is strong enough on its own that the gang plot at the end isn't needed, if that's the direction you want to go. It doesn't need to happen to still be a good story since there's enough intrigue and solid set up there to make it a unique, entertaining story nonetheless, so there are definitely many ways you can take this. Though, it could also be strong with the gang plotline if some clarity tweaks are made, therefore I encourage you to play around with it!

Overall, the story has many strong highlights and a great start that I think will strongly hook readers in. The characters are also introduced well and do a good job keeping the reader grounded in the moment. I had some suggestions regarding telling over showing and some general plot critiques, but I all in all enjoyed my read.

(Pssst... did you read the last p.s.? Did you hear what I said? I said Gustave's hot. Remember that.)

Title/blurb/cover: 8/10. The title is Keep A Secret, which is exactly what the story is about, so can't fault it, right? It sets up the premise without being too long and is capitalized as needed. It also looks nice on the cover and gives you many creative opportunities to capitalize on said cover with said title. For those reasons, I think the title is good, and I have no critiques.

As for the blurb, it's good! It does a good job setting the stakes of the story and giving the reader a reason to care. We have a good sense of where the plot is going to go without the blurb being too long. Two paragraphs is a great length for a blurb, so good job with that. Along with that, the SPAG quality of the blurb is good, with there being no major errors that distract from what you're trying to say. Having great SPAG for your blurb immediately gives you an advantage, so awesome job there.

Suggestion-wise, the only thing is some sentences could be tweaked for clarity. For example: Best friends Reina and Dielle go on an overnight camping trip, hoping to get away from the hubbub of city life and enjoy the soundtrack of nature together.

This sentence is a little lengthy, and there are ways to downsize without losing the original meaning of the sentence. Consider: Best friends Reina and Dielle embark on an overnight camping trip, hoping to escape the city's hubbub and enjoy the natural sounds together.

Side by side comparison:

Best friends Reina and Dielle go on an overnight camping trip, hoping to get away from the hubbub of city life and enjoy the soundtrack of nature together.

Best friends Reina and Dielle embark on an overnight camping trip, hoping to escape the city's hubbub and enjoy the natural sounds together.

It's only slightly shorter, but it condenses some of the words and uses slightly stronger word choice to give more activity to the sentence. It's a fine enough sentence as is, so it's not a big deal, but still something worth mentioning.

Another example: As the police close in on their investigation, Reina and Dielle agree to keep their secret no matter the cost. Close in on their investigation? I understand what you're going for here, but perhaps a more natural alternative is "As the police close in on their involvement," as "close in on their investigation" sounds a tad off to say "close in" regarding "investigation," if that makes sense.

Both of those things are not big deals but still worth mentioning. All in all, though, the blurb is good.

As for the cover, it's exactly what you'd picture when you think of this story, in my opinion. The picture is high quality and makes perfect sense for the title. The blood splash also makes sense and does a good job creating a nice visual without becoming too much. It's a visually appealing cover that is basically picture-perfect when it comes to being cohesive with the title and general story.

The only very minor thing is I'm not entirely sure how to feel about the font of the "Keep A," though that could just be a me thing. Though, text-wise, I like the card suits at the bottom surrounding the author's name. It was a nice touch that hints at what's to come without being too on-the-nose, so that was good. All in all, the cover is good!

Total: Gustave/50.

Wait... that's not... welp, my bad, haha, I don't know how that got there! Whoops!

Here's the real one!

Total: 37.5/50.

And, y'know what? One last time for good measure:

Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave Gustave.

Once Upon A Tale Of A Macabre Mistress by Pviscelle

Review:

Characters: 7/10. The main character of this piece is Lyla, who is a woman on a quest for revenge. I'll get more into that in the narrative section since that's the plot, but Lyla herself is a justice-driven woman, whose motivations are to seek out those who commit violence against women and bring them to justice. It's a noble goal that I think most can find a reasonable and even good goal, even if she goes about it in equally violent ways. Justice must be served somehow, right? That's what this narrative tackles: violence and its cycle, along with broken promises and destructive relationships.

There is heavy theological themes present throughout, with the POV itself being Satan. Satan is less of a character and more of a narrator, but that's fine and works for the story. It ties in with the theological aspects and also allows for omniscience we wouldn't otherwise receive. I think the choice to lean into the theological side was an engaging one!

Moving back into Lyla, I think she has a compelling character arc, where she does have the same general way of thinking throughout the entire story, but the way she goes about it and the rage she feels increases as it goes on, which I found interesting to watch unfold. She's a vessel for the themes revolving around revenge, and I think you all in all did a good job executing it.

Suggestion-wise, just a couple of things. One is it could be interesting to expand on Lyla's thoughts in the beginning of the story. When she is with the boy, she seems mostly disgusted by the fact that he's small and not satisfying her, though considering her motivation and what she spends her entire life doing is seeking vengeance against those who have wronged women, it feels out of character for her not to have intense mixed feelings about even spending any time with a boy who murdered a woman. She's clearly aware of his misdeeds, seeing as she ends up passing him off to Cargo, though her annoyance seems focused on his sexual performance.

Now I do understand at that moment she's more concerned about getting it over with so she can get on with her revenge, though she chose to help them. She could have gone straight for her revenge and spent the whole night doing that, but she chose to help Cargo get his hands on the boy. So clearly there is some sense of justice within her, otherwise she would have been too consumed by revenge to even help in the first place. The narrator is omniscient and can tell all of their thoughts and feelings, so having more given to Lyla during that moment regarding her more feminist side and how she feels about doing all of this with someone who murdered a woman could be interesting to see.

Another thing is the twist of her being Lilith could be executed a tad stronger. Some more clarity within the text could be beneficial, as Satan says she's an ordinary woman and seemingly doesn't have any idea why he likes her so much, yet later it's revealed they both knew she was Lilith. I understand time passed between what we're shown and her death, though Satan clearly knew in the present, seeing as he knows Adam and refers to him getting killed by Lilith as justice. So it's contradictory because she's clearly not an ordinary woman, and Satan knew that but pretended not to for a chunk of the fiction. Some clarity about just how much Satan knows about her could be beneficial.

Overall, Lyla is a compelling protagonist with unique motivations and a nicely written development cycle that takes us from point A to point B in an interesting way. She's fun to read about and has a relatable goal many women will resonate with. I had some recommendations for presenting Lyla's character earlier on and some recommendations for clarity with the Lilith twist, but I all in all liked the character work here.

SPAG: 10/10. The spelling, punctuation, and grammar throughout the piece was exceptional. I noticed no spelling errors or major syntax issues that would cause points to be deducted. There were no errors major or consistent enough to warrant taking off points here as well. The paragraphs and sentences flowed together nicely, with the general structure of the sentences and formatting of the paragraphs being consistent and never distracting. For those reasons, I have no critiques of the SPAG, and I think you did a good job with it.

Emotions & Themes: 7/10. Revenge and justice are the central messages of the piece, and they are are tied in nicely with theological references and direct connections, though the story doesn't preach to us and directly say what is right and wrong. Even though there's Lilith and Satan, their actions aren't abhorrent or anything that would have everyone saying they're objectively wrong. I'd say many people, especially women, will actually be on Lilith's side by the end of it. I like how there is ambiguity, and we're not spoonfed what we should think, instead being given what we need to know, and you let us make our own conclusions. The best execution of themes, in my opinion, are the executions where we as the audience can draw our own conclusion instead of being told what's right and wrong, so that was a nice touch.

The emotions of the piece are primarily centered around Lyla and her thirst for blood, though Satan gets a surprising amount of emotions, too. He's more in the background at first, but as the story progresses, more of his thoughts and emotions are revealed, and his motivations/wants are clear. All of the motivations are engaging, which is vital for creating strong emotions and characters, so good job with that. I also think showing the impacts of misdeeds (through characters like Cargo, who are suffering because of the boy's actions) adds another emotional layer to it.

Suggestion-wise, most of my suggestions were already covered or will be covered in the next section. I believe there could be some tightening to the pacing (I'll go over that next) to further bring out the themes and emotions, and showing more of Lyla's side of things in the beginning with the boy could be interesting to see, too. Though, since I already talked about those things and/or will talk about them soon, I will let future and past me explain it.

Overall, the emotions and themes present throughout the story are good, with them showing interesting premises through equally interesting lenses. I all in all liked it and only had a few suggestions, all of which being either explained earlier or later.

Narrative: 5/10. The narrative follows a woman name Lyla, who is seeking revenge against a figure we don't know for the majority of the narrative up until near the end, where the identity of the person she wants revenge against is shown, and we receive some backstory about it as well. It is told from the perspective of Satan, who is an omniscient being (makes sense) who gives the readers insight to what everyone is thinking and feeling.

This is a solid idea for a narrative. The central theme revolving around revenge and justice makes this narrative feel even more engaging to interact with, and it has a unique POV that gives it another unique edge. I'd say in terms of its presentation, it's one of the most unique stories I've read. It takes a familiar trope of the revenge plot and makes it more layered. It's not the typical revenge narrative, and I think readers will like that very much.

Experimenting with the short story format was smart, and it made for an intriguing read that I enjoyed. It also had an entertaining conclusion and writing style that kept me reading and wanting to see what would come next for Lyla and Satan. So, all in all, a solid read with interesting plot elements and good themes to back them up.

Suggestion-wise, let's start with general language, then we can divert into specific plot elements. To begin, some small word choice suggestions. There are times the word choice/general sentence phrasing could be tweaked.

For example: "He gulped audibly." Here, this sentence is a tad awkward. How is he gulping audibly? That can risk making the tone inconsistent since it almost seems comedic/cartoonish (as many cartoons have the dramatic "gulp" sound). If you act out a gulp, it's already a soft but audible noise, so the "audibly" is an unnecessary adverb and can risk hurting the tone.

Example two: "...his voice cutting through the air and tension." Here, this is a pretty cliche description. Having a voice "cut through the air" has become extremely overused, therefore I would recommend avoiding this cliche. That's not to say all common descriptions should be avoided, but some of the ones that are extremely common could benefit from not being included. The story idea is interesting and unique, so having more unique metaphors may help present the story idea stronger.

Example three: Though the boy was lean and an inch taller than her, his manhood was... small—long, but small. And small things never satisfied her. She doubted he could last more than a second past thirty.

Here, the intended meaning feels a bit difficult to comprehend. Long but small? I can kind of understand what you're saying by that (I assume long but thin?), but putting them together in that manner is contradictory and can risk confusing audiences. Though, more importantly, the "a second past thirty" is a bit clunky. Can it be simplified to "She doubted he'd last thirty seconds" or something similar? That's just something worth considering.

Example four: "Her command was sharp as a knife...". Similarly to what I said earlier, this is a bit cliche. Calling something "sharp as a knife" has become a tired metaphor, and a more unique one can help set her apart and keep the writing unique.

That's all for word choice, so let's move into the specific plot elements.

My main suggestion when it comes to the narrative is the pacing. The reason I say this is because the beginning could be shortened. It also provides misleading information about what is actually happening (I'll explain this shortly). 

The most prominent example I have is the full sex scene could be downsized on. I know I have an aversion to sex scenes, though I genuinely don't mind them if they feel necessary for plot (since, contrary to popular belief, sex scenes actually can be very thematically rich; sex is a display of emotions just like many other things, so those scenes can be integral). Here, the sex scene felt very long and like it could have been downsized. The focus of the plot is on Lyla's revenge and the eventual twist of her identity, and the opening with the boy did have some impact, though I don't think enough impact to warrant so much time dedicated to it. For example, maybe the opening ball is shortened or removed, same with her leading to his demise, thus opening with Satan's "Just like the boy who was currently thrusting" moment to add shock value and get the ball rolling (haha, get it, cause I said the opening ball, and now I'm saying ball rolling? I'm hilarious- okay, I'll shut up now). I'll explain more below.

Let's look at the line I just quoted: "Just like the boy who was currently thrusting..." (not including the rest for sake of this being an awards book). The issue with this line is it isn't currently happening. You go back and recite the play-by-play of what happened, so this line feels more included for shock rather than to set the tone. It is shocking, don't get me wrong, but saying "currently" when that isn't what's happening currently is misleading, and I would recommend removing the line since I was confused after reading it. I thought "Wait, aren't they already going at it? It said currently? Why are we before the sex, let alone before it in regular past tense and not past perfect like a flashback?"

Or, alternatively, like I mentioned before, you could start with this and stay in the moment, maybe briefly summarizing how she led him there if desired, and that cuts a lot of the beginning out and gets to the core plot—the revenge plot—quicker. The reason I'm saying this is because a lot of what happens in the beginning doesn't feel necessary for what happens later. The #1 goal of creative writing is not showing over telling, at least not to me: the #1 goal is doing as much as possible with the least amount of words. So if there are any areas to feasibly downsize, whether it be in this short or a different project later on, it's something worth considering. Even if it's a scene you love, sometimes we must delete them or repurpose them in order to benefit the pacing.

Before we end this section, I have one more thing. This is not a criticism and does not factor into the score, but I would recommend updating the warnings to say "sexual content" instead of implied. It's not implied; it's shown. In detail, too. If there are any sexual acts shown, even if it's not penetration (though penetration is shown, too), it would qualify as shown sexual content, and there are sex acts described here in detail. It's not a flaw that impacts the score but something I thought I would mention regardless since the CW says implied when it's not, which can mislead the audience.

Overall, the narrative has an interesting idea revolving around revenge taken in a theological way. It's a unique narrative that has intriguing messages behind it regarding revenge and how it can consume you, but also justice and how every individual perceives it differently. There could be some pacing and word choice tweaks, though it all in all has a good idea.

Title/blurb/cover: 6/10. The title is Once Upon A Tale Of A Macabre Mistress. I think as a concept this is an interesting title, with it having the two m's that make it roll off the tongue nicely in the end, though it is a little lengthy and feels like it could be trimmed to simply "The Tale of the Macabre Mistress" or something similar. It's still a little long that way, being six words, but it's down from the eight words of the title present currently. Typically it's recommended to keep book titles within 3-5 words, though, of course, that doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. For example, Dune is a one-word title and is one of the most iconic books in history. So that's not to say it has to be within a certain word limit, though keeping it on the shorter side is recommended since the longer the title, the harder it may become to make it memorable. I do like the Macabre Mistress, though, and think it's colorful and gives the title a strong sense of intrigue.

Capitalization-wise, according to Chicago, it should be: Once Upon a Tale of a Macabre Mistress. I understand capitalizing everything, though I would recommend lowercasing a few of the less important words. And, lastly, I would advise against using alternative fonts for titles simply because screen readers struggle to pick up on them, and I also, at least in my opinion, don't think they add much, if anything, aesthetically, as the cover is a great spot to show off an interesting font for the title. Though I acknowledge that's mostly a me thing, and it doesn't factor in much here, it's just something I thought I'd mention.

As for the blurb, the first thing to note is how it has perfect SPAG. No grammar checkers I have found any issues with this blurb, and that's one of the most important parts of a blurb, so good job with that. So, from a technical standpoint, it gets full credit. As for the creative side, the blurb presents an interesting premise of Satan watching a woman, and it includes the definition of macabre at the top. I think, creatively, there's a good idea behind what the blurb is, and I liked the general direction of it.

Suggestion-wise, the blurb does give a general idea of what the story may be about, but it does not give the reader much reason to read. I'm not a huge fan of the trend of vague blurbs on Wattpad, though sometimes they can be interesting. So I'm not saying you have to have some giant blurb, especially for a short story, though raising some more stakes and giving the reader more tension and reason to click could be beneficial. As is, we don't know the stakes, any plot direction, or potential themes. Including more of the "why" we should read could be beneficial for generating clicks.

A simpler way to put it is that after reading the story, I feel like the blurb could benefit from being more centered around Lyla. Satan is more of a background character and not important to the actual plot of the story. By that I mean he doesn't do anything to push it forward; he's the narrator, so he's important, but he's not an active character, just the narrator who only interacts with the characters in the final couple paragraphs of the story and one brief interaction with Adam. The story is otherwise centered around Lyla to an intimate degree. So some more personal looks at Lyla within the blurb could be beneficial, depending on your vision for it.

As for the cover, it's good! It has a nice blend of black (but not pitch black) and purple mixed with the additional graphics, like the skull and chains. It's neat and easy to read, and after reading the work, I can confirm it fits in well with the story. I also like the fonts and font color! For those reasons, I have no critiques of the cover.

Total: 35/50.

Haunted by RiKaOt70608

Review:

Characters: 6/10. There are ten characters in the story who are there for the main plot. There are smaller character as well, but there are the core ten, with the focus being on the five friends (Lucy, Lia, Liana, Lana, and Luna) along with some of the boys, primarily Jimin, though there are a few others, like Jungkook and Yeonjun, who are prominent as well. For sake of this review, I'll primarily be focusing on the girls, particularly Luna, and Jimin, mostly since they are the face of the narrative.

Jimin is my bias, and I acknowledge that, though I'm not exactly someone who is "biased" where I'll latch onto a character or story or person because of pre-existing biases. So when I say I thought Jimin was interesting, I really mean that, and I'm not biased when I say that. I thought it was smart to have both groups (the guys and the girls) have their own ringleaders, if you will, where they were the most important characters and the face of the group (in this case, Jimin is the most important from the guys, and Luna is the most important from the girls). There are a lot of characters, so it gives the readers more grounding when you have one or two "leaders," if you will, who can keep our attention on them and guide us through the story.

As for Jimin in particular, he is a pretty sad character, where we learn about his love for Luna and how he loves her for a decade only for it to amount to nothing thanks to Luna's pre-existing ties. Though, he does have the maturity (showing his growth over the years, as he was a lot more stubborn earlier in the story) to let her go and realize she has a life she needs to settle in to. I thought that final scene between them was well done and showed Jimin's character growth. He had the most consistent and clear arc of the group, and that final scene did a good job wrapping it up.

Luna was also okay as a lead. She starts off a tad cliche with the arrogance label attached to her and fits in with the typical female lead you'd see in a paranormal story, though she grows more and becomes more interesting. Her connection with Jimin is interesting to see in the end, and her story with Taehyung was unexpected but an intriguing twist that gave the story and Luna's character more depth.

As for the other characters, they all did a good job supporting the leads and moving the plot along, particularly in the beginning with discovering the "mirror world" and trying to unravel it, so they did their jobs and acted as good support beacons for the plot and two leads!

Suggestion-wise, I'll start small with the names. If I'm understanding correctly, the L friend group (as in the friend group with all L names) are frequent characters in your work, correct? Just want to make sure I have that correct and am not saying anything wrong. I appreciate that you have a consistent cast of characters and a consistent friend group you write about, so that's not what this is about, it's more the names all starting with L. Lucy, Lia, Liana, Lana, and Luna. All of these are very similar names, and that when paired with them being in South Korea despite those not being Korean names can make it difficult to separate their characters. It could be worth considering changing a few of the names in future works to give them more individuality, as having all L names can have them blend together. Or, if that does not appeal to you, it could be beneficial to introduce them more gradually rather than all at once and with clear character descriptions, as all of them are introduced to us right away without much character descriptions telling us their hair color, eye color, facial structure, height, weight, fashion sense, etc.

So it's not that you have to change the names, though it is something worth considering, or at least giving the characters more introduction so it is easier to separate them. This applies to more than just the friend group, too. In general, when you're introducing characters, my recommendation is to consider when they're being introduced and why, and also ways you can make them stand out immediately. This can be through memorable lines of dialogue (i.e., one character speaks drastically different from other characters), their descriptions (i.e., highlight specific details, like a mole or birthmark or chipped tooth, on a character; i.e., in my books, I always highlight Jimin's chipped front tooth), their actions (i.e., maybe we see them performing a hobby or something they like; i.e., the hit game, Expedition 33, opens with the main character, Gustave, throwing rocks, which is his hobby throughout the game), etc.

In Haunted, we're introduced to Luna by her brushing her teeth. This isn't inherently a bad thing, but maybe to make it stand out more, maybe Luna is blasting her favorite song and doing a ridiculous dance or something while brushing her teeth, that way it gives Luna more personality right off the bat, shows us what her favorite song is, and adds a hint of charm to an otherwise mundane activity. So small details like that can take these day-to-day tasks the characters perform and inject more layers into it. And like I mentioned before, this applies to not just the friend group but also every other character, the BTS members included. Since there are seven members of BTS, introducing seven characters can be challenging, especially when you have other characters, like the five friends and Hoshi, to introduce as well. So that's why I recommend considering adding more layers to their introductions and considering spacing out their introductions more so we as readers can digest small chunks of characters before moving to the next ones.

I'm not saying only introduce one character at a time, though downsizing on how many characters are there right at the start (there are ten characters in chapter one—the five friends, Yeonjun, Hoshi, Jungkook, Jackson, and Irene; to put it into perspective, the chapter is eight minutes long, so there are more characters introduced than there are minutes in the chapter) could be beneficial. Nothing wrong with having a lot of characters (look at Shakespeare's work; his works almost always have a crap ton of characters), though what I'm suggesting is considering introducing them at a slower pace and/or introducing them with clearer personality and physical appearances so we can better tell them apart. I hope everything I said made sense!

Another suggestion I have is what I mentioned a bit above but want to highlight here is there could be some more physical description given to their appearances, as their appearances are a tad vague. Fleshing out how they look could help immerse readers more in the moment and give the characters more personality since then we can see more of their expressions and sense of style, which can say a lot about a person. I would recommend considering focusing on specific details rather than general descriptions. Of course, general descriptions (i.e., their hair color, eye color, height, skin color, etc.) are needed, but specific details are vital since they make a character memorable (i.e., the chipped tooth I mentioned before that Jimin has, birthmarks, moles, freckles, etc.), so I'd recommend considering focusing on specific details (this also applies to environments and not just characters).

Another thing is more grammatical, but it also impacts the characters: the script format dialogue. By that I mean, formatting the dialogue like this:

Luna: Hi.

Instead of like this: "Hi," Luna said.

The second example with quotation marks is how you format dialogue in a book. Since only the dialogue is in script format and nothing else is, it shows the dialogue was formatted incorrectly and not that this was purposefully formatted as a script. If you would like to write a script, there's nothing wrong with that, though I would recommend being consistent about the format. If you want to experiment with script format, I would recommend using Celtx, the online scriptwriting software. It has a free version that gives you most of the features and allows you a few projects. It does most of the formatting for you and has an easy interface that can get you started. If that interests you and you ever need help with the program, please let me know! I exclusively write my scripts on Celtx, so I can help if ever needed.

Otherwise, if writing a book, I strongly recommend using regular book format for dialogue, which would be quotation marks around dialogue. I'll talk a bit more about it in the SPAG section and ways to go about tweaking the format, but it impacts the characters as well since dialogue is a major part of characters, hence why I brought it up here.

While on the topic, sometimes the dialogue can feel fast. The script format does impact that since book format dialogue tends to have descriptions and actions around the dialogue to naturally make the conversation feel more evenly paced; however, what I am talking about is the speed of which they go through different topics. For example, from chapter 6:

Lucy;well.......luna is a very good cook *smile*

Jimin:hmm.....I remember she told me that cooking is one of her hobbies *lost somewhere*

Lucy:she told me you wanted to become an army officer *looks at him*

Jimin:yes..its my dream *smile*

Lucy:jimin well seems like we are stuck in mirror world and we have to find a way out of here *serious tone*

When it comes to the conversation topic, it starts off good! They're eating food and start talking about Luna's cooking abilities, and Jimin naturally mentions he remembers her telling him about wanting to cook, and then Lucy adds to that by mentioning how Lucy told her Jimin wanted to be in the army. Here, it makes sense for these topics to come about. They're eating so it makes sense to talk food, Jimin makes a comment about Luna's interests, and then Lucy makes a comment about his interests. These topics flow together well enough and make for a fine conversation that gives us insight on Jimin's desires (and Luna's, too, though more Jimin's here).

So my suggestion regarding the dialogue has nothing to do with the start of the dialogue but rather the last line: Lucy:jimin well seems like we are stuck in mirror world and we have to find a way out of here *serious tone*

Here, the dialogue jumps randomly to a completely unrelated and different topic without proper segue to it. Before, there was clear reason to discuss the food, and the conversation naturally flowed from point to point, but then Lucy brings up something out of the blue when they were just talking about food.

When writers write dialogue, they often go in with a checklist of what they want the conversation to include. In this case, I'm sure you went in thinking "Okay, we need to establish Jimin's wants, talk a bit about the food and Luna's wants, and we need to talk about the mirror world." Fine enough goals for the dialogue. When writing dialogue, though, all of the topics need to flow. So if a character is talking about bread and then another character starts talking about goats, it would feel jarring, right? The same applies here where them talking about dreams and then suddenly the mirror world is a tad abrupt.

A way to tweak this is to consider something like:

"Well, Luna is a very good cook," Lucy said with a grin.

Jimin stared at his food without answering for a long beat. "I remember she told me cooking is one of her hobbies."

"Really? She told me you wanted to be an officer in the army."

Jimin smiled to himself. "Yeah. It's my dream."

Lucy gazed at him for a moment longer before clearing her throat. "Well, when we get out of here, maybe you'll live that dream."

"Get out of here?" Jimin knitted his brows as he peeked up at her. "You mean when the teachers come back?"

"No, I mean..." Lucy fiddled with her fingers under the table. "Here. We think we're stuck in the mirror world."

Jimin's eyes widened. "What? The mirror world exists?"

"I don't know, but Luna and Lia believe it does."

And then the conversation can end however you'd like. I'm not saying the above rewrite is perfect by any means, but it slightly improves the flow of how the topics come about. Now the "here" is mentioned naturally since it's in relation to the conversation at hand, sparking curiosity from Jimin since the boys are under the impression the teachers just left them there. So like I said, it isn't perfect, but it tweaks the flow just a tad.

This is a long way of saying when writing dialogue, I suggest reading the dialogue out loud and/or plugging it into a text-to-speech (TTS) generator. You can find plenty of these on Google or through certain platforms, like Microsoft Word and Scrivener have built-in TTS generators. You could even get into character and read the dialogue as the characters. Reading dialogue out loud works wonders for hearing if it's natural or not. I've actually stopped using grammar checkers because using TTS has helped me catch more errors and moments that felt awkward (both in dialogue and in general text) than any checker ever has, so it's something I always strongly recommend.

Lastly, I would recommend being careful about how you present stutters in the work. From chapter 21:

Jimin:lu-lu-luna i-i kn-knew i-it yo-you're alive

This doesn't happen often, so it's not a big deal but still worth mentioning. Stuttering manifests itself in many different ways, so I advise against using too much of it and using not as much of it all at once. Here, there are six stutters. Consider downsizing this from six to one or two stutters. It can get difficult for the reader to stay immersed if the stutters are too often at once. I normally don't like to cite a place like Reddit, but a Reddit user did summarize a great overview of how to write stuttering effectively and realistically. I'll try to remember to link it in the inline comments so you can read up on it if you're interested.

Overall, the characters present throughout the story have interesting concepts behind them, and they have interesting moments and dynamics to keep them engaging. There could be some tweaks to their presentation, though, to strengthen their emotional impact on the audience further and present more of their personalities and appearances.

SPAG: 4/10. When it comes to the spelling, punctuation, and grammar, or SPAG for short, this is the area of the story that could use improvement, as there were very frequent SPAG errors. If these errors are tweaked, I believe the rest of the story will benefit greatly. I will go over some of the errors below, though I will first give general grammar tips.

When it comes to improving technical quality, grammar checkers are good for getting started. Grammarly, QuillBot, and ProWritingAid are the three big grammar checkers, though they all have their own strengths and weaknesses.

Grammarly is good at identifying the basics, like spelling errors and missing commas, though its free version... well, to put it simply, its free version sucks. It will highlight errors but won't correct them for you, often only correcting a few comma errors, end punctuation errors, and spelling errors. So it can be useful for the very barebones basics, but when it comes to more advanced grammar, it kind of sucks.

QuillBot is very aggressive and is the most aggressive grammar checker, in my experience. It will catch the most errors, though sometimes it's so aggressive it will give you not very good grammar suggestions. However, it has more features than Grammarly that are available for free, so I prefer it to Grammarly.

ProWritingAid is okay as well, though I've noticed its major strength is word choice and identifying when you're using the same word too often. Its grammar checker is okay, though it's not perfect and can sometimes be way too lenient. It's like the opposite of QuillBot where sometimes it won't pick up on errors.

So all of that is to say the checkers have their strengths and weaknesses, and it's okay to use more than one checker if you want second opinions or don't trust what one checker gave you. I have very strong grammar, though even when I check other people's grammar for these reviews, I always plug my suggestions in two checkers before giving them to ensure I'm giving the best information, so all of that is to say it could be useful to use more than one checker to catch the most errors.

There is also TTS, like I mentioned before, where you can plug the text into a TTS generator and hear it read back to you (or you can read out loud yourself if you don't want to use a generator). I personally use this, and it's improved my writing more than I can express.

Ultimately, though, grammar comes from practice. I was not the best at grammar a few years ago, back in 2021. I went to college for English during that time, but honestly, that degree didn't teach much in the way of grammar. Most of my grammar knowledge comes from practicing and continuing to write, sounding things out, and researching on my own through things like online blogs and YouTube videos discussing grammar. So my ultimate recommendation is to simply keep writing, as writing a lot definitely helps the most not just for grammar but also for general storytelling. Writing is a blessing and an art form that needs to continue to be shared, and every author deserves to have their voice heard, hence why I encourage you to keep writing!

Moving into some specific errors, I'll go over them and will try to be concise. Most of the errors stem from the script format dialogue. The script format is incorrect for a book, though the script format itself is also written incorrectly.

In screenwriting, we typically write a piece of dialogue like this:

LUNA

(whispers to Jimin)

Hey.

We typically all caps the name and center-align it so it's easier for actors to see, and any actions are put in brackets before or after the dialogue, depending on what the action in the brackets is and when we want the actors to do said action.

Example from the text from chapter 5: Jk:what the hell you all are waiting let's ran upstairs *pushed them in stairs*

So if this were transformed into a typical movie script, it'd be the following:

JK

What the hell are you waiting for? Let's go upstairs.

(pushes them up the stairs)

So that's how we format script dialogue for movies. A little fun fact is most movie scripts are available online as PDFs, so if you ever want to see the movie script for your favorite film, you may be able to find it online! One film script I constantly reference when writing scripts is the Dune movie script. If I remember, I'll try to leave a link to it in the inline comments if you're interested in seeing a Hollywood movie script.

Moving into different errors, though, there are punctuation errors where there are no commas and/or sentences that lack end punctuation. Every sentence needs end punctuation, whether it be a period/full stop, a question mark, or an exclamation mark. These end punctuation marks signal to the audience that the sentence is over and a new one is beginning, so end punctuation is always needed. Here is an example from the last chapter:

Have to say it was really a weird dream I don't think that a boy name Taehyung even exist i was watching the moon continuously then u decided to to and sleep back

Here, there is no period/full stop after "back." Adding just the end punctuation, the sentence would become this: Have to say it was really a weird dream I don't think that a boy name Taehyung even exist i was watching the moon continuously then u decided to to and sleep back.

All I did was add a period/full stop (I'm saying period/full stop since some people call it a period and others call it a full stop, but either one is correct).

Another common error is the sentence will continue despite needing to be split up. Let's use the same sentence as before as an example for this. Here's the sentence again: Have to say it was really a weird dream I don't think that a boy name Taehyung even exist i was watching the moon continuously then u decided to to and sleep back

Consider: I have to say, it was a really weird dream. I don't think a boy named Taehyung even exists.

I watch the moon before deciding to head back and sleep.

I made it all present tense. You don't have to write in present tense, though when writing in the first person POV, it's recommended to use present tense since first person tends to have many character thoughts, and character thoughts flow far smoother in present tense. There are tense issues throughout the story where you flip flop between the past and present tenses incorrectly, hence why I recommend sticking to one tense.

A small thing is I would recommend spelling out numbers when talking about general things. I.e., if you're talking about years or months, instead of saying 2 months, say two months. I write/edit/review according to CMOS (or CMS), or Chicago, which is the standard manuscript format in many countries. Chicago just refers to how you format things, and it's used most commonly with creative works. In Chicago, numbers are typically spelled out if you can write it in two words. So twenty-two would be spelled out, or one hundred, but one hundred and one would simply be 101 since now it's more than two words. It also depends on context, like if a number is in a company name (i.e., 7/11), then the number can be included. However, for general things, like one month, two years, two days, two books, etc., numbers should be spelled out.

Moving back into larger errors, there are frequent spelling errors throughout. That is sometimes misspelled as taht, you is sometimes misspelled as u, and there are other spelling errors present. Example:

Luna:don't start your drama again I know it very well taht whenever I tell you taht I want yo ho in real world you talks like this *stands beside him*

I'm not sure what the "yo ho" is supposed to mean, though tweaking just the SPAG, it would become this:

"Don't start your drama again. I know very well that whenever I tell you I want (what yo ho is meant to mean can be inserted here) in the real world, you talk like this," Luna said, standing beside him.

So, in general, the grammar is primarily errors with having multiple sentences in one, missing commas, article errors (as in, you're missing a, an, and/or the in front of nouns; in this case, "real world" needs "the real world" in front of it), and spelling errors. If those errors were tweaked, the sentences and paragraphs could be improved.

Emotions & Themes: 6/10. This section evaluates how well the themes and emotions are written in the story. Like I talked about in the characters section, I think there are great concepts with the characters and narrative that give it an edge, and this ties into the emotions. I would say the emotional core of the story revolves around Luna and Jimin and their story. They are like the two lead characters, and they have a love story that takes place over the course of the entire narrative. The end with them going their separate ways was a nice conclusion to their characters. It was satisfying for Jimin's character to see him let Luna go as long as she didn't forget him, and I enjoyed that very much.

I also think the emotional concepts behind the others are good. There are some dark topics here, and I appreciate that you went for those darker topics and wanted to cover them. They're topics that need to be covered, after all. Especially with family and how families can be harmful, like in Luna's case with the constant pressure on her. Those moments make us empathize with her, and they also raise important points about how a toxic childhood can impact someone.

Suggestion-wise, since this is like a mini overall section, most of my suggestions have either been said or will be said in the next section; however, I will summarize my thoughts here. The main thing is the SPAG could be tweaked to better emphasize the emotions. Having to reread sentences due to frequent grammar errors and having spelling errors in critical moments can detract from the emotions. There are also some suggestions I have for the narrative when it comes to pacing and the ending that could enhance the emotions as well. All of these things are things I'll either talk about later or talked about before, so I won't talk your ear off about it here, though I wanted to mention them since they do apply to this section as well.

Overall, the concepts give this story an interesting emotional core, particularly through the characters of Luna and Jimin. They have an intriguing story that I think will connect with readers. I have some suggestions to enhance the emotional quality, mostly with tweaking the grammar so readers can be more immersed during the emotional moments, but I still think the emotional core has a good concept and many highlights.

Narrative: 7/10. The story follows a friend group after they end up alone in school. Confused, the group tries to understand what's going on only to come to the conclusion that they're in what they're calling the "mirror world," and they believe there are spirits at play who could be dangerous. If only they knew how right they are...

When it comes to what I enjoyed, there are quite a few things. For one, the concept of the "mirror world" is a great concept and is overall handled well. I liked how it factored into the narrative and how the characters came to the conclusion that they were in the mirror world at all. All of the more magical elements of the story are interesting, too. I liked the concept of the soul hunters and how Luna's character factored into that side of the story, ultimately leading to Kim Taehyung and her storyline with him.

I also liked the more casual moments in the story, like Lucy eating with Jimin earlier in the story. Those smaller, more domestic moments show these groups can get along and have strong bonds when they put their differences aside. Those small details are what give readers the most insight into who these characters are, so I wanted to take a moment to appreciate those smaller things.

I think, in general, the idea behind the story is good, hence why it received a good score. The story shows more of its more fantastical elements as it goes on, and I think this adds layers of intrigue where more revelations keep coming as we keep reading, giving us a reason to continue and want to see where the characters will end up. So, all in all, it's a solid premise that has many highlights that I think will keep readers wanting to see more!

Suggestion-wise, like I did with the grammar section, I'm going to give a general suggestion since I think you may be interested in it. I mentioned in the grammar section that my grammar improved because of practice and learning on my own, and the same applies to the creative side of writing. I learned a lot about dialogue, narrative structure, character work, etc. through YouTube. I actually would credit YouTube more than my own bachelor's degree for how much I know about writing. Where I'm going with this is you may be interested in some of the YouTubers I watched. The one you may be most interested in, if you haven't heard of him already, is The Closer Look. He's a screenwriter and YouTuber who posts a lot of videos analyzing movies from a screenwriting perspective and giving tips about how to present certain ideas. Since you wrote partially in script format, I thought he in particular might interest you.

None of that, of course, factors into the score at all since that has nothing to do with your narrative, but I just thought I'd mention it nonetheless in case you're interested!

Moving into the actual story suggestions, I have three. One is I would recommend not POV jumping. By that I mean jumping between different points of views within the same chapter. And I especially advise against switching between first and third person, since a few times it will go from one character's first person POV to third person POV through the "author."

The "author's POV" is a myth made by Wattpad and is almost always used incorrectly. The "author's POV" does exist, but not in the way Wattpadians often use it. When you use an "author's POV," this typically means you as the author are the one giving thoughts and beliefs about the story, but if you're writing the text normally without any personal author input, then it's not an author's POV—it's third person omniscient. What you're writing here is not author's POV but rather third person omniscient, therefore it can simply be labeled as "third person POV."

That said, I very strongly recommend never switching between first and third person in a narrative unless there is an extremely vital reason for doing so. For example, Stephen King once did this where he went from third person to first person, but there was clear intent as for why, and once he made the switch to first person, he didn't go back to third. I have done this too through my book Forgotten, where it starts in third person, but after the protagonist is blinded, it switches to first person with the clear intent of further isolating the audience and the protagonist since the first person POV is now blind from multiple perspectives (the book itself is about isolation).

In this work, all of the third person POVs felt like they could have been in first person. For example, in the last chapter when Liana wakes up, there was nothing gained from starting in third person and then switching to first. If the entire section was written in first person, it would not have made a difference to the intended meaning of the scene, hence why I recommend never switching between first and third person unless there is a clear, vital reason to that enhances the story's message, and I recommend sticking with the switch after it's made. So if you switch to third person, stay in third person.

As for switching within chapters, I recommend not switching POVs in a single chapter and definitely not in the same scene. Sometimes POVs will switch mid-scene, like the last chapter I just mentioned where it goes from third person to first person. The reason is because readers will lose track of what is happening and will become confused. We need a consistent POV to better understand the story. If you are writing a story where it's required to head hop (as in, switch POVs frequently), then you may want to try writing in third person omniscient, which is a difficult POV to write (imo, it's the hardest POV to write in), but it does allow you to head hop at will without needing to directly state "Liana's POV" or something of the sort. If you're interested in writing in third person omniscient, I recommend researching it since it is a pretty fascinating POV.

I want to make clear that I'm not saying don't switch POVs. I very rarely have books where only one POV is available, so I'm right there with you and also need to write several POVs. What I am saying though is consider having POVs switch at chapter breaks instead of in the middle of chapters. So chapter one is all one person's POV, like Luna's, and chapter two can be someone else's, then chapter three goes back to Luna, then chapter four jumps to Jimin, etc. etc. There are countless ways you can do it, so I encourage you to experiment and also consider the third person omniscient POV, as I think you may really like writing in it.

The second suggestion is the pacing could be tightened in the beginning. It takes until chapter four for the plot to really kick in, and chapters 1-3 are a decent length, too, being 8-11 minutes each. Much of the beginning could be tightened since there is some meandering with the conversations and having everyone talk a lot about things that don't impact the plot much. For example, there is a lot of conversation about their love interests and crushes and things like that, and those types of conversations can be downsized on since those plot points come later when they get trapped in school alone, so that's not to say remove these conversations, but it could be worth considering trimming them.

My final suggestion is about the ending. My main recommendation is to be very, very careful about the "it was all a dream/it was all fake" ending twist. I say this because it's become one of the most cliche endings, not to mention it can be emotionally hard on the audience. I say this because if everything was just a dream, then all of the character development we just watched with characters like Jimin in particular didn't mean anything since there was no proper conclusion to the story. If nothing is real, then there are no stakes. If there are no stakes, then there is no reason for the reader to care. The "it was all a dream" ending is one of the most-advised-against endings for the reason that it can feel like a cop out and can take emotion away from the ending.

Though that's just general thoughts on the it was all a dream twist. When it comes to this story, I felt it wasn't necessary, and also felt the story could have had a more satisfying ending by fleshing out that potential ending with Luna and Taehyung, as their conflict was never resolved by the end. At least Luna and Jimin had their conclusion, even though it wasn't real, so then readers have that satisfaction of seeing their final conversation end on a concluding note. Luna and Taehyung didn't receive that treatment, which made the ending feel incomplete. It didn't feel like it was meant to end with a dream twist. There were dreams present throughout, though here, the dream it felt a little out of place. So for future works, my recommendation would to be very careful about the "it was all a dream" ending type.

Overall, the narrative has interesting concepts presented throughout. The mirror world is a cool idea, and that when matched with the fantastical elements of things like soul hunters made for an entertaining ride. That said, I did have some suggestions for the narrative to help it flow out a bit smoother and have a stronger emotional punch.

Title/blurb/cover: 5/10. The title is Haunted, which is a one-word title, but it's fine for the story. It's capitalized correctly and is what the story is about: spirits. So, for those reasons, I have no suggestions/critiques for the title!

As for the blurb, like the title, it sums up what the story is going to be about; however, it could use some grammatical tweaks to help smoothen it out. Consider the following:

High school life is easy? Maybe, but what if the spirits of the school haunt you?

Ten friends/classmates vs. smart spirits

They are tense with family and personal problems but forget their pain when they are with their friends.

Love wants another chance!

Love wants courage to confess!

Love wants to kill others!

Love wants you to choose one!

Love is challenging but necessary!

Separated by choices, united by friendship.

Will they be able to save each other?

Will they make it out alive?

What if the spirits can break their unity?

Live or die—two options. Some want option one, and some want option two.

What is good for whom?

She has to choose: friendship or love.

He wants her to be with him, but she will always choose her friends.

She wants to confess.

She wants her friends safe and also a little revenge from a bastard!

He hates her, and she hates him, but why?

Spirits are very powerful.

They are everywhere.

They are smart.

They know their weakness.

It's impossible to get out of school.

Is this real or a nightmare?

That is strictly a grammatical tweak, though the blurb could be combined to be more paragraphs. I would recommend having a blurb that's 1-3 paragraphs long and focuses on saying the most important things about the plot. The blurb does give a hint at what the story is going to be about, but there are few specific details. With a blurb, you want to be as clear as possible so readers have an idea of what they're about to get in to.

So all of that is to say consider creating 1-3 clear paragraphs instead of breaking it up into these briefer lines. It could also be beneficial to have more specific details about the plot and what's going to happen in the story, as the lines presented do give vague information but not much concrete about who's going to be doing what, what the stakes are, where the story is going to go, etc.

As for the cover, it's a collage of photos in black and white. I do like black and white covers and think they give a certain nice aesthetic, and for a short that has a paranormal/horror aspect to it, I think the black and white was a good choice. Considering this book covers a lot of topics, it makes sense for a collage to be the cover image.

Suggestion-wise, the text is a bit hard to read, mostly the subtitles/secondary texts that aren't the title. The "You want me?" and the other texts are a bit hard to read since they're very small and blurry. Having clearer subtitles could be beneficial for reader comprehension. They shouldn't be bigger than the title, so their font size doesn't have to be increased a lot, but a small increase could be beneficial as well. Otherwise, though, I like the cover.

Total: 28/50.

When Sally Met Henry by katiegoesmew

Review:

*Note: This is a short from The Fabulous Spec-Fic Smack Down Anthology, now known as Of Ice and Snow

Characters: 6.5/10. The two main characters of the piece are Sally and Harry (the title doesn't lie!). Sally is a VA who is divorced from Harry, her ex who she had kids with. They are interesting characters who do a good job sparking intrigue within the audience. Sally is introduced well, with her being down-on-her-luck (or perhaps up considering she won a flight to Paris) and rushing around to try and catch her flight. She's written realistically in that sense where we really see her distress and want to see her succeed early on. I think these kinds of character introductions—seeing them frantic and making mistakes—are some of the best kind, as they allow us to see who our lead will be in a moment of stress, and how characters react in stress normally lays the groundwork for their arcs and traits throughout the entire story, so it was a good choice to start with that.

Another thing is the dynamic between Harry and Sally is nice. I'll talk about it a bit more in the narrative section since I think it impacts the core of the narrative strongly, but it's also a character thing, so I wanted to point out that Sally and Harry have a good dynamic that makes them fun to read about!

Harry gets less than Sally since Sally is the focal point, but he's a good supporter and has his own clear thoughts, opinions, and differences with Sally. He stands on his own but is also self-aware of what has been done wrong in the past. I like how both Sally and Harry stand on their own and stand together as a relationship. The most important part of building a relationship is making sure they're solid individuals, and then they can come together and be a good couple, so good job with that.

Suggestion-wise, the main thing is maybe just a me thing, though it's a bit difficult to sympathize with Sally at times, especially while she's saving the dragon. I can understand the goal of this is to show her good heart, though at least for me, it kind of showed the opposite. This is because she's on an inflatable raft with survivors from a plane crash. If she frees that dragon and it decides the humans look like a good lunch, she just doomed over three hundred people. If not from popping the raft with its talons then from it killing them outright. So even though she did have good intentions, that moment felt a tad far-fetched. She even later has similar thoughts where she thinks about the dragon potentially harming the other survivors, but they're only fleeting thoughts. If they were more at the forefront of her mind, and maybe it was more clear how scrambled her brain is due to the situations she's been put in, it could make the moment more engaging and more like a sympathetic moment.

By that I mean, if her saving the dragon is something she's clinging to because, for example, she can't save her daughter, then that would be really cool, make the moment more sympathetic, and also give the daughter plotline more weight. I'll talk about it in the narrative section, but the kidnapped daughter plotline didn't add anything to the story, and the story would have been the same without it. If the kidnapped plot was the focal point and the reason Sally is clinging to needing to save this dragon to give her some semblance of control back, it could show the trauma of being involved in a plane crash along with potentially losing your child more realistically and make the moment itself more interesting.

It also becomes increasingly difficult to sympathize with her when she's going back and forth between quipping and feeling like her world is collapsing since her daughter is kidnapped. I understand joking to blow off steam, but her quipping right after she just thought about Gracie felt really tonally inconsistent (talking about part 3). I'm specifically talking about the How To Train Your Dragon quip that comes less than two full paragraphs after Sally was just thinking about Gracie. Some more tonal consistency could be beneficial and can also make Sally more of a realistic character.

I understand this is a fantasy/sci-fi anthology, though one of the most unique aspects of these genres is the fact that there is so much wonder yet, at its core, the genres are still so human. In my opinion, they're more human than contemporary genres grounded in reality due to how they expose humanity's deepest flaws and- okay I'm rambling like a nerd.

The point is, as much as it is fantasy, it is still a realistic fantasy, with it taking place in a world similar to our own only with magical twists. Having more grounding with the characters and having more realistic reactions to the situations they're in could be beneficial. When you lay it out in a list, Sally just put someone's dog down, was just in a plane crash caused by dragons, and just found out her daughter was kidnapped, all while sitting next to the ex she doesn't want to see. I think this would cause anyone to completely crash out and have various trauma responses, as this is a traumatizing experience. So some more details given to the kidnapping plot and how it impacts Sally could be beneficial.

Overall, the characters in the story have a strong background, with Sally being introduced well. Harry and Sally stand on their own and come together to form an interesting dynamic/relationship that makes the story interesting to read. I had some suggestions regarding tonal consistency, but I still overall enjoyed the characters.

SPAG: 9/10. The spelling, punctuation, and grammar present throughout the short is good, with there being fluid sentences, great spelling, and punctuation in all the right places. The punctuation in particular is good. I don't think I noticed a single comma error throughout. Seeing as comma errors are some of the most common errors I see, this was a refreshing change of pace, so good job with that. I also don't think I noticed a single spelling error. If there were any spelling or comma errors, they were minor enough to go unnoticed.

Suggestion-wise, nothing major or consistent. There were no major errors I noticed, just some small things here and there that could be tweaked. I'll go over two examples below.

A perfect tailored suit jacket and skirt over a wrinkle-free button-down shirt, black flats polished to a high shine, makeup that enhanced her almond-shaped dark chocolate eyes and brought a radiant glow to her milk chocolate skin, and black hair cropped close to her head.

Here, the "perfect" should be "perfectly" due to the context. Perfect is modifying the noun, therefore the -ly is needed.

The woman groaned and withdrew her hand. "I'm a snow witch. I specialize in charms that affect media, like books and movies. I may be able to charm the kidnappers into turning themselves into the police" (part 44).

In the above segment, the "into" should be "in to." Since it's being used as a phrasal verb, the preposition "into" is incorrect there, therefore it should have a space between it.

So, like I said, nothing major or consistent, but just small errors here and there that could be tweaked. Overall, though, the grammar is very good, and the punctuation in particular is impressive.

Emotions & Themes: 6/10. The story is plot-driven, though that doesn't mean there aren't interesting components commenting on how animals are treated. The treatment of dragons here may also be interpreted as some as an allegory for how humans can be treated differently just for looking different, so there are various layers readers can take away from it. I'm not saying that's definitely your intended takeaway, but it is one possible takeaway others may have, and I always think it's neat when themes that can have multiple interpretations are explored.

I think there are many interesting emotional concepts going on here, with the plane crash being one of the core ones. Maybe I'm biased toward it since one of my only phobias is of planes, but this is a highly emotional and traumatic thing to go through, and it leading to Harry and Sally agreeing to start another relationship was a good choice without being too cheesy or forced. So this story is like an emotional goldmine, especially with the fact that there are even more emotional plots, like the kidnapping plot.

Suggestion-wise, the main thing is the handling of the kidnapping plot, as I felt it was in the background for the majority of the narrative and not given the depth and seriousness it required. I do like the idea behind it since it can lead to Harry and Sally having very interesting conversations, though the kidnapping plot felt more like an afterthought throughout the story despite it being such a serious thing. Though, to be fair, Sally was just in a plane crash at the same time of this happening, so I can understand her thoughts being very scrambled. That said, her frequently quipping, even right after thinking about her daughter being kidnapped, felt very out of place, same with the writing style.

By writing style, I mean it's written in a light and fun way, with it having colorful, entertaining lines like, "Why not listen to the mysterious stranger spouting a rainbow of firework farts from above?" It feels very tonally inconsistent with the severity of everything happening. A plane crash, Sally recently putting someone's dog down, and her daughter being kidnapped, all without factoring in her bumping into her ex again. So some more consistency with the style and tone could help readers stay grounded. If it were just the plane crash, then the fun style can be understandable since the crash was caused by fantastical beings, so it can almost be like a "Wow, look at how ridiculous this is" kind of thing, but when you start factoring in serious real life issues, such as children being kidnapped, that's when the tone needs to stay consistent and more mature. I'll expand on this more in the narrative section.

Overall, there are great concepts here, and the direction you took the prompt is interesting and tackles intense topics that definitely fit the angst genre you were going for. There could be some more tonal consistency, though, and some more attention given to the kidnapping plot to flesh out the emotions further.

Narrative: 5/10. The narrative follows a prompt and was a challenge to write a story based on said prompt in 10k words or less. This story follows Sally and Harry, ex-partners with children together, after they win a trip to Paris and, by either bad luck or fate, are stuck sitting next to each other. However, things take a dramatic turn when the plane ends up crashing due to dragons migrating suddenly, hinting at a larger plot that may be explored in the future, and Sally shows her skills as a VA by rescuing one of the dragons. While this is happening, Sally and Harry are dealing with a horrifying situation where their daughter was kidnapped and is being held for ransom.

It's safe to say they're having a bad day.

I think this is an interesting plot idea. It's whacky and fits in with the general themes of the anthology well, and the plot revolving around Harry and Sally's relationship was particularly interesting and well-handled. I enjoyed seeing them bounce off one another, and I thought they had an engaging relationship. Sally standing on business was good to see, same with seeing Harry push back against her but also acknowledging where he's gone wrong, too. Those little things for their relationship add up and make the narrative more fun to follow as a result, seeing as they are the core of the narrative.

So, all in all, I think the premise behind the narrative is good, and there are quite a few highlights as well. Harry and Sally do a good job pushing the plot forward and being active characters, and they have an interesting relationship that was entertaining to see unfold.

Suggestion-wise, the main suggestion I have is regarding the inciting incident. That being the plane crashing. Okay I'm fully aware I'm about to sound like a nerd, though my hyper-fixation on planes has made me a nerd. This may seem nit-picky, but since it's about the inciting incident, it is pretty important: if the plane really flipped and rolled in the ocean like the text says it did, then everyone on board would be dead.

At the very least, the plane would be torn apart. That's why it's called the "miracle" on the Hudson: water landings are so dangerous that crashing on land is "safer" than attempting a water landing. The reason is because water is unpredictable. Jumping into water from a far height is no different that jumping onto concrete, but in a plane's case, it's even worse due to the drag the engines create, lack of landing gear, and general composition of water. That's why fuselage tears apart so easily when crashing into water.

All of this is to say I would recommend considering removing the flipped and rolled part and taking it more in the direction that it was like the miracle on the Hudson, paying homage to that feat by an incredible crew and team of pilots. Even when water landings go perfectly (in terms of the landing not causing the plane to bounce or roll, which is so rare it's basically nonexistent aside from select cases), people get hurt or even killed. That's why I recommend removing the flipping and rolling since the odds of the plane being intact after rolling in water is so small it's basically impossible, and that's without factoring in how many people would die or at least be severely injured.

It could also be interesting to include injuries, as the odds of going through a plane crash on this scale without at least minor injuries is slim. If they're flipping and rolling, then Sally would have whiplash at the very least. Seeing some more of the physical impacts of this event could give the story more tension.

But moving away from the crash itself, a few other suggestions. Writing-wise, I would recommend being careful about descriptions that are vague or impossible. Such as: Sally's head whipped around to face him, her green eyes flashing, her lips set in a scowl. Here, my immediate question is how do eyes flash? Is she a witch like Crystal and her eyes are literally flashing, or is it just a metaphor for her emotions? If it's the second one, then the lips scowling is enough to display her emotions, same with her dialogue and inner thoughts. When doing descriptions regarding character actions, the best suggestion I can give is act out the scene with the expressions and actions being described. If they're physically impossible or awkward, it may be worth considering tweaking the description. That's a small thing, though I thought it was worth mentioning.

Moving back into the core of the narrative, the pacing in the beginning could be tightened. In the beginning, there is a lot of attention given to the VA technical stuff, seeing as we watch Sally fill in notes. Is all of this necessary? None of it ends up leaving any grander impact on the story, and I can understand showing some of her work to show her VA background, but there was a lot of it in the beginning. The vast majority of readers likely won't know much, if anything, about what Sally is doing, which can create a disconnect and also cause the readers to wonder if they need to read all of the technical stuff. While I was reading, it started to overwhelm me a bit, and I found myself wondering if this would matter later in the story. It did not, and it didn't elevate Sally's character either. So for those reasons, it could be worth considering downsizing on those parts and focusing more on getting to the inciting incident. Based on read time, there's a good three minutes of the SOAP notes and Sally handling work stuff. Can this be downsized to one minute? That's just something worth considering.

The last thing is probably the most important thing: the kidnapping plot. I talked about it briefly in the character section, though it's more of a narrative thing, so I wanted to save most of it for here. Like I stated earlier, the kidnapping plot feels like it didn't amount to much within the narrative. It's not mentioned often in part 3 despite how serious of a plot it is, and it's solved very quickly and conveniently. It's extremely convenient Crystal just so happens to be there and can just so happen to solve Harry and Sally's problem within a few seconds.

All of this is to say it raises the question of why was this plotline there? If it were the core reason Harry and Sally got back together, okay, that makes sense. But the plane crash is why they got back together, as Harry cites that fear of losing her to the dragon as the realization of his love for her.

I'm only spending so much time on this because what you're writing about is a very real, very dark, and very triggering topic. Kidnapping a child for ransom is a dark topic, and having it be in the background and intertwined between many quips and a lighter writing style felt difficult to read at times, as this is a topic that requires a more mature, consistent tone. If there were less quips and more consistency with the tone of the narrative, it could be beneficial to give the kidnapping plot more depth and impact in the story. Though, if it does not change the outcome of the narrative, it could be worth considering removing it.

Overall, the narrative has a good core concept and handles the prompt it's based off well. It shows themes of love clearly, and Harry and Sally's relationship feels mature. The reason they divorced also feels realistic and mature, making it relatable for likely (and unfortunately) many people. The concepts are all there with unique highlights, though there could be some tweaks to the realism and execution of certain ideas to further strengthen the narrative.

Title/blurb/cover: 8/10. The title is Of Ice and Snow, which is a perfectly fine title for this novel. It fits in with who Lily is and how she's going to impact the narrative. For those reasons, I have no critiques of the title.

As for the blurb, it's okay. It's well-written from a SPAG perspective and lacks errors. It says who the main characters are and gives a general gist of the world, though it could have more of a hook. The beginning is good and has a nice opening paragraph + good line after it about you as the author, though it does start to get a little lengthy. Condensing it a tad and maybe giving readers more of a reason to read (since the stakes are a bit unclear, same with what this actually is and if there is some plotline we should expect) could be beneficial, especially since it says this is book one, so it implies there is some throughline here. I understand it's a bit tough since it was initially intended to be an anthology, so it doesn't need to be anything crazy, but a potential stronger reason to read and some condensing (since it's over 250 words, and most recommend not having a blurb over 250 words; not a must but something to keep in mind) could be beneficial. Still, the blurb reads more like a blurb, so I think it is going in the right direction compared to the anthology's previous blurb, and I appreciate it's solid technical writing.

As for the cover, it fits in with the title well and has a balanced color scheme. It could be a tad more exciting, as the background and the snowflakes are okay but don't spark much intrigue about the story or feel too story-specific, but it's still a fine enough cover for the story with a good color scheme and high quality image. I suppose a simpler way to put it is this is a story about magic and snow witches, the north pole and mad scientists. Having a whacky, totally fantastical cover to match these whacky, totally fantastical ideas could be beneficial.

Total: 34.5/50.

-END-

Whew, okay, that category took a hot minute. Even though the ongoing entries were longer, this category took me far longer than the ongoing category did.

Though, you wanna know something crazy? This category has 6 participants, and the sci-fi category has 5, yet the sci-fi reviews are longer. Isn't that a bit weird? I mean I don't feel like I did anything differently, so I don't know why they're longer 😭😭😭. But oh well. Maybe I'll figure it out upon reading through the reviews again to edit them. I still anticipate being able to finish writing the sci-fi reviews by the end of day today since I only have one left that's well over halfway done.

Anywho, see you in the Best Ongoing introductions that will be out shortly, followed closely by results. Thank you, as always, for reading and participating!