To everyone going through this kind of pain, or any at all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. You can move past this. Please stop grieving. I love you. ❤❤❤

*

Unedited.

Word count: 3258

Adrian's POV

*

I stared at the flower vase.

Over the days I'd spent here, I already knew the leafy patterns printed on it by heart. My eyes traced the red line, moving over the thin line till it got to the spot where the blue thick petal began. My eyes moved over each curve, each line.

My dad heaved a deep sigh beside me.

I didn't look at him. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to look at another person I loved with so much fondness, so death wouldn't feel it was time to snatch him as well.

My left eye twitched as I shuddered in fear at the thought.

No.

I didn't deserve to look at anyone anymore. Was it my eyes? Or was it just my heart that was filled with love for them? What exactly did death usually notice before snatching them all from me?

"I know you're hurting my princess, and everything will eventually be alright. I called Diego and spoke to him. He told me everything. I'll put an end to this madness, my sweet angel." He gently patted my head but I just sat rigid there as my heart began to thump wildly in my chest.
The words were screaming to be let out.

'No!' I wanted to scream. I didn't want him to bring Diego into this. It was hard enough to let him go till I figured out what the hell was wrong with me.

I. needed. deliverance. Yes. Diego believed in God and even though I felt like there was no life in me anymore and all that surrounded me was grief, and my chest was currently hurting so much, I shut my eyes tightly and sighed softly.

'Dear God, hi. Thank you for...life. For the privilege of life. I've been in pain for a very long time now that I practically live with it. It hurt so much to carry such heavy burden around. Diego believes in you unconditionally and he said you have answered his prayers each time and come through for him over and over again. I need you. My body hurts. I haven't stopped bleeding. I can't move around on my own. I killed my own child. I've disappointed Diego, the man I love the most on this earth. My family is grieving the loss of I and Diego's child. I feel I'm not even worth all the love he has shown me all these months. Please make it all better. Heal me. Heal Diego. If it's your will, bring us together again. I love him so much but I don't know how to rid of the darkness. It follows me around. Thank you for answered prayers. In Jesus name I've prayed."

I sighed as I ended the prayer, wanting to come back to myself and at least feel something. I knew I was lost. I desperately wanted to be found.

I pressed my lips together and saw Diego. Smiling at me. Pecking my forehead. Kissing me. Smacking my butt playfully. Tackling me on the couch while raining kisses on my face. Tickling me till I laughed so hard I might pass out. Murmuring to me that I was his world. Telling me he loves me.

He loves me. I know what it feels like to be loved.

Then I felt it.

It crashed into me like a hurricane would crash into a town.

Emotions.

Gratitude. But gratitude quickly faded and was replaced by harsher emotions. Pain. Anger. self-resentment.

So much pain, so much heartbreak, rejection, disappointment at myself and at my lack of maturity. I should've spoken to Diego instead of making the rash decision to take a trip back here. We would've found out about our baby in another way, in a gentle and personal way. 

Did I blacken the fetus's soul as well?

I sobbed till my eyes hurt. I sobbed till my dad hugged me and murmured sweet nothings to me, cooing softly and telling me everything would be alright.

I sobbed.

*

I woke up later in the evening.

There was no need to look sideways to know Hailey was sitting beside me. She hadn't left my side except she wanted to give me some privacy to speak to my dad.

"You're awake. Are you hungry? I brought some fruits." She smiled but I saw the tiredness in her eyes.

Hailey was carrying my dad's baby. My step brother or sister. She was pregnant, though she hadn't began to show.

She broke the news the night before my miscarriage. It'd been a happy evening, with I and Daniel teasing my dad who looked red faced to be fathering his third child so late in life. When dad married Hailey, she couldn't conceive even though tests made them know nothing was wrong with both partners. Then they just stopped trying and Hailey said she was content being our mom.

But I was glad when she told me she was carrying her own baby.

"You're tired." I said and Hailey's eyes brimmed even as she looked up with a smile before standing up to take something on the table to her right

Those two words were the first words I would speak since I sent Diego out of here. My heart clenched painfully as I remembered the sadness on his face that day. I shook my head so I wouldn't think about him.

"Not too tired to take care of my beautiful baby. Here, have an apple." She stretched the plate of neatly diced apple my way and sat.

I accepted the plate and munched wordlessly, too tired to tell her I was no longer a teenager but now an adult.

She chatted with me briefly, avoiding anything related to 'baby'. Then Daniel and Lola came and Hailey used the opportunity to quickly rush home to get a set of neat clothes.

Lola was polite and didn't speak much, which I was grateful for. Daniel looked grave. He was also blaming himself for leaving me that morning. He feels I wouldn't have been so stressed to the point of miscarrying if he'd been around somewhere.

"It's not your fault." I told Daniel when he just sat with a worried looking Lola. "Does Declan know?"

"I didn't tell him." She eyed my expression, as if to gauge my reaction. "It wasn't my place to do that."

"Good. Don't tell him. I don't need more people flocking here."

She winced at my tone and I sighed, feeling depressed. "Thanks for coming though, you're family now. Thanks. How is dad?" I looked from Lola to Daniel.

"He's on his way. He said he needed to check with someone-"

Just as he was speaking, dad stepped inside. Behind him, was a middle aged, slim lady with dark chocolate hair. I winced as I stared at her. She looked familiar, though I couldn't point out exactly where I knew her from.

"Daddy." I greeted my dad in a softer tone though my eyes didn't leave the lady who was also staring at me with some emotion I couldn't place.

"Hello, my sweet angel. You're looking rather radiant this evening." He pecked my forehead and softly tucked a tendril of my baby hair behind my ear.

"Thanks dad." I smiled a little, anticipation drumming in my stomach for some weird reason.

"Daniel, Lola, excuse us for a moment would you?"

"Sure. We'll be around somewhere, if you need us." Daniel told dad and picked my hand to peck the back of it. Lola pecked my cheek and then they left.

"Who's she?" I asked my dad who stood at the foot of the bed. He glanced the lady's way. She was wearing a black knee length dress and her hair had been let down to cascade down her shoulders. Her complexion was tanned and her eyes expressed a sadness I felt I could relate with.

"Hello Adrian." The woman said.

I gasped. There was something about the voice.

I shut my eyes, then it came. The memories I had held on to, the same one that had caused all my grief and anguish all these years. That voice. The way she said my name.

She was Dina's mom. Dina was my childhood friend, the one that got hit by a car.

The one I'd blamed myself for her death all these years.

"What is she doing here dad?" I asked harshly. My heartbeat had skyrocketed and I could feel my breathing slowly getting labored.

My eyes darted around the room, for some source of escape from here.

I needed to leave.

She was back to haunt me.

She would tell me it was my fault her daughter had died. Then I would see Dina holding out her hand for me in the dream, beckoning me with black bloodied clothes where the flesh in her shoulder had been torn and a loud gash laid.

Dina's pretty eyes, which had lost their glow would be staring at me with now hollow eyes, her hand stretched out for me to follow her into the darkness.

"I'm sorry." The woman whispered.

My eyes snapped towards her and I sucked in another deep breath. "Sorry won't change it. I know it's my fault. You don't have to bring her here to remind me dad. Make her leave. I don't want to see her. Tell her to leave dad! Stop doing this to me." I shut my eyes tightly to stop myself from looking into her eyes.

"No. It's not your fault." The voice whispered. "It was never your fault."

"Diego." I whispered and felt all fight leave me. I needed him. He always told me it wasn't my fault, that I didn't carry darkness around. But I'd chased him away. I sobbed for my pathetic life.

Opening my eyes, they collided with the soft brown ones staring warmly at me.

"What do you want? To haunt me some more?" I snapped angrily, wanting her to leave as soon as possible.

Dina's mom wrapped her arms around her torso as if to protect herself.

Her shoulders wracked with sobs. "I was careless. I let her walk around without bothering where she went. You were a good friend, and she didn't die while leaving your place. She died later that evening when she ran into a car that was reversing. The hit she got after the fall was so bad her head cracked the moment she touched the ground."

What? I gasped.

It wasn't my fault? A humourless laugh escaped my lips. It truly wasn't my fault.

"Why? Why did you say all those things to me? Why did you curse me?"

"I was angry. I needed to blame someone. I'm so sorry for everything. I was in a dark place at the time and Dina was my only connection to the light so-"

"You shouldn't have broken someone with your words that way. Especially not an eight year old girl, you bitch!" I snapped. "You ruined my goddamn life!" I sobbed in anger.

Dad came to me and pulled me into him, resting my head on his stomach to cradle me gently. "Calm down Adrian. I brought her here to clarify things. I didn't know about this though I knew how her daughter died. I never knew she said all those things, your mom never told me anything. It was all my fault. I never knew you had nightmares until Diego mentioned it to me."

"Daddy, please make her leave. I never want to see her again. I just want to forget everything." I sobbed and even I knew I was totally broken at this point.

My voice sounded strange to my ears. I was tired.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Physically.

I just kept sobbing while they spoke in hushed whispers till I heard the door close softly.

"It hurts, my chest hurts. I've carried a burden that was never mine to bear."

"It wasn't your fault, Adrian. I'm sorry for not knowing about this. I'm so sorry."

I gasped and then fell back into my dad's hold, and my mind fazed out.

*

"I want to know what's happening doctor, and she insists that you tell me everything in front of her." My step mom gently told the doctor.

It had been two weeks since I got discharged and the end of the year was fast approaching. It didn't feel like it though. I lost my will to do anything. I only wanted to sleep all day.

I hadn't been reading my messages or returning calls. Even voicemail. What was the point?

"Your daughter is suffering through
Depression and anxiety. She has developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and perinatal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)."

"Oh my goodness!"

"We will need to meet a specialist for that."

"Okay. Also, she hasn't been eating. How can we solve that? She has gotten leaner over time. I'm worried."

"Caring for the body becomes caring for the new life and when a woman miscarries, it can breach this sense of self trust and self compassion. Your times might sometimes feel guilt and disappointment about not being able to continue the pregnancy so that is her coping mechanism to deal with the situation."

He was right. Ever since the incident, I'd felt no joy whatsoever. Even though I was free from the self blame about Dina's death, I still didn't feel better. After all, my baby was no longer inside me. I didn't even know I was pregnant.

How careless and oblivious could I have been? While I wanted to stay positive, a part of me couldn't help but feel the world was better off without me.

I had no will to live anymore though I wasn't prove to self harm. I just didn't want to live.

I didn't want to wake up or get dressed or eat. Especially eating. I didn't want that.

I'd been having nightmares. This time about a crying baby with blood coming out of its ears and eyes.

Even though it scared me, I didn't tell anyone about it. It was my fault after all.

I couldn't speak to Diego, not like this. After all, I was the one that told him we should take a break. But was I good enough for him? After everything, all my insecurities and the sadness and grieving I'd put him through?

If I had been observant enough, I would've known I was pregnant. I would've considered our unborn baby. I would've kept my emotions in check.

Now I let everyone down. My step mom, Daniel, my dad, Kara (who always wanted the best for me), Natalia (who almost loved me more than she loved her own daughter) and most especially Diego. The love of my life. My everything.

I let him down. Then I told him to get out when I should be apologizing for everything. I should've comforted him on the loss of his child. I should've been his emotional support.

I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

But what if I lost Diego too? What if he left me and never wanted me again after this break I said we needed?

Why did I feel so useless?

Would I ever have a baby again? Could I have another baby? What if that was my only chance?

My shoulders sagged in depression and I wished I could take some more sleeping pills and just sleep the whole year away, but Hailey already caught me taking sleeping pills and seized all the bottles.

Now I could only take one pill if she saw I really couldn't sleep, but no more. I usually took two. And sometimes I'd still take in the morning after taking the previous night.

I just wanted to sleep.

I snapped back to the present when Hailey called me and I realized she was looking at me with a worried expression. Another tired sigh escaped my lips.

"Apart from the therapy, how else can she cope with that?" My step mom asked.

"Therapy?" I blurted, realizing I'd been lost in my own thoughts for so long. A glance at the wall clock told me ten whole minutes had passed since I last checked it.

"Yes miss Houston. There are self-help remedies and most women tend to feel safer and more confident to try these remedies than to go for therapy." He clicked on his tab and I stared at the brightness of his light blonde hair which reminded me of my boyfriend, Diego.

"According to the Miscarriage Association, though the other means might not be a straightforward process, there are still some things you can do to help yourself. For one, being kind to yourself could help. Also, talking to people you trust and finding the right help can make a big difference. If you are finding it difficult to move forward, we can help you think through your next steps. I know you're grieving and in so much pain, so it would help to take one day at a time. It's okay to have these feelings of grief, anger, resentment, sadness and so much more. They won't always feel this strong."

"What about the possible symptoms?" Hailey asked and he literally scrolled through the article, as if afraid he'd miss a line.

"According to them, some of the patient's diagnoses, symptoms and experiences could be; Flashbacks, which means feeling as if you are re-experiencing your loss (as if it is happening right now). Panic attacks, which means, you may feel sweaty, sick, disconnected, shaky and out of control. Self-harm, that is, hurting yourself to help deal with overwhelming emotions and painful thoughts. Suicidal feelings, which is thinking the world would be better off without you, having more abstract thoughts about death, or making a plan to end your life. Insomnia or problems with sleep, which means finding yourself unable to sleep because you are worrying and thinking a lot about your loss – or for another reason. Having nightmares related to your loss when you do sleep. Feeling tired all the time, that is even if you have managed to get enough sleep. Intrusive thoughts, meaning not being able to control when images or thoughts related to your loss appear in your mind. Difficulty concentrating or remembering things. Phobias, that is, feeling very scared or anxious about something specific."

"She can't sleep except she pops sleeping pills."

"Why don't we do this, let's try the self-help remedies. After two weeks observation, we'll know what to do from there."

"Alright. Do I need to book another appointment or-" Hailey asked while getting up and I did the same.

"I'll call my secretary in right away, Mrs Houston. Do take care of yourself. Ms Houston." He smiled at me and I returned a rather stiff one.

We left the hospital with Hailey asking me some questions which I tried to answer even though I felt too tired and sleepy. I told her I needed to get a pack of pads, which she quickly told me she'd do herself and I should just close my eyes and sleep.

I nodded and rested my head, sighing in content because this position felt comfortable. Thank goodness the blood stains had reduced and I wouldn't have to squirm in discomfort or suffer itchiness.

With that, I smiled and dozed off.