Word count: 2682

Adrian's POV

*

Fire

Flames

Burning.

The echoes in my head got louder. The shadows clawed against my erected walls, tearing them down. The monsters had only one intention.

They planned to destroy me.

"Adrian..."

The soft voice broke into my thoughts.

The numerous voices echoing in my head went still and I blinked, a startled gasp escaping my lips as I was instantly pulled from that dark place

My eyes darted around in awareness. I wasn't alone. There were colors around and things too. This wasn't the dark abyss I'd just been pulled out from. In the room, there was a bed which I was huddled by the edge, light blue painted walls, random bags on a wall rack, shoes and some cute wall paintings.

There was no sign of the black and white I'd been battling with just now.

Blinking again, I realized I had slipped into another memory and I was now sat in a familiar room.

It was my bedroom in my rented apartment which I rarely stayed at, since I was almost always with my best friend at the dorm, Kara. Or rather, maybe I should call this place the apartment Lucas had gotten for me when I once told him I would never meet up with him at an hotel again.

That was a year ago when we'd just started our sex with benefits deal.

I sighed into my bed and looked up at him, the man who managed to calm all the monsters in my head. My eyes glazed with overwhelming contentment.

"Yes Shawnie?" I chuckled when his handsome face morphed into a scowl.

He hated the petname, but was only putting up with it because I was the only one who called him that.

After watching a movie with him one time, I realized the main character had so much semblance to Lucas and since the character's name was Sean, I started calling my boyfriend Shawnie. Pronounced like Seanie.

"Marry me." Lucas suddenly murmured.

I smiled, he smiled too.

"What?" I cackled, guessing I'd heard him wrong.

"Marry me." Lucas repeated. His pale blue eyes were shining brightly, I could tell he was very happy.

I giggled and leaned in to kiss his pale lips. With tender eyes, Lucas stared at me and my smile widened.

"What are you saying?" I rolled us over and laid on top, kissing his chiseled jaw line and making sloppy sounds. My hair fell into his face and he gently put it out of his face, chuckling.

"Never mind."

"Seriously?" I sat on his thighs, knowing the only thing covering his naked form from me was the duvet wrapped around his waist since we'd just had a powerful workout in bed, an activity that hadn't needed the presence of clothes.

I was also just wearing a white silk panty.

"Yeah baby, seriously." He muttered something under his breath and coughed.

"Cold?" I asked.

"Not that much. Warm me up." He circled an arm around my waist and made me lie on him.

I giggled.

And it was in this position I had drifted back into slumber.

That was the day Lucas had proposed to me, and I hadn't taken it seriously because...Lucas never took things all too serious.

He would always say, 'let's just live today. We'll see what awaits tomorrow.'

Maybe things would have been different if I had said yes to his proposal.

Maybe we would have been preparing for our wedding by now.

Or maybe he would be planning to impregnate me one of these days. I giggled at that one. Lucas did love children and he would often tell me that his adventurous thoughts revolved around getting lost in the woods and finding an abandoned baby there and adopting them.

Lucas was a funny man. He was amazing and carefree.

Full of life, full of laughter. Weirdly possessive about me, though. 

But we weren't dating, we weren't even all that loving towards one another.

He'd never used the 'L' word when speaking to me. Our relationship consisted of sex, morning sex, noon sex, bathroom sex, tired after work sex, punish sex, on a date sex, argument sex, dinner sex, public toilet sex, I'm in a bad mood sex, you can't go clubbing tonight sex and so much more.

And so, that was one of the things I had considered when he popped the question. We had never even exchange I love you's. How would we exchange rings?

I hadn't taken him seriously.

With this thought in mind, I moaned and found myself succumbing to the arms of sleep.

My head was groggy when I roused awake again. With blurry eyes, I tried to force myself back to sleep.

Sleep was all I did nowadays.

If I could go back to sleep, sleep for a few more days, the pain should have lessened, right?

My lower lip trembled as I recalled Lucas's last few words.

He had been weak that day, with eyes slowly shutting and opening as he fought to keep concentration.

"I failed at so many things babe, but I wasn't supposed to fail at ma-making you happy."

My hand reached to cover my mouth before an strangled sob escaped.

"You didn't fail, I'm happy. Just get better Lucas."

"No Adriana, I failed. This wasn't the life I promised my woman."

I nodded furiously. "Yes," my voice almost failed me but I struggled to keep on, "now get better and give me that life."

His eyes were red. I could see the tiny veins at the sides. "Look at me. How can I do that?"

"You can, I promise you that you can Lucas. Just get better, you can do it. Oh my goodness, Lucas you can do it."

"I'm miserable." He looked up at me and I immediately knew he was loosing the fight. My heart broke as I furiously wiped snot from my nostrils and glared at him.

"Don't you even dare. You're not miserable Lucas Davensworth. If anyone miserable here, it's me."

"Don't be selfish." He muttered lowly.

My heart broke into a billion pieces as I fumbled for words. "I'm not selfish Lucas. I need you! You've been my anchor for two years, you've kept the monsters away and I've shut them out just because you gave me that strength. I need you, Shawnie. Hang on. This operation will be successful."

He didn't say anything, just allowed the tears roll down the sides of his face while I sobbed hysterically.

"I love you." He whispered, his pale blue eyes staring intently at me.

I gasped and choked on a sob, coughing.

I had longed for that confession for months, but not like this. I didn't want to hear him making such confessions just few hours before going into the operation room.

"Tell me that when you come out." I wiped the tears.

"It's too late, but I love you and I want you to be happy. I might not make it out aliv-"

"I'll never be happy without you." I pressed my hand over his mouth when he wanted to start talking again. "You deserve more than that, Lucas. Stop saying these things, please."

I didn't know what he was about to say but I didn't think I wanted to hear anymore either. I just needed him healthy and alive, and Lucas was losing the fight. I could see it in his eyes. He was tired of fighting this illness.

"Get well soon babe, let's get married. I'll marry you, we'll go on an adventure hunt somewhere fun and probably find that baby in the woods. The one you always imagined. Then we'll have one of our own and I'll adopt another baby if we decide not to give birth after one child. The five of us will live happily ever after with our cats and dogs." I rambled and pecked his pale lips.

"I'm tired Adrian." He shook his head. I'd never seen him look this defeated.

"Just hold on." I shook my head. The tears poured again. I caressed his shiny blonde hair. This was one of the features I loved about him the most. His was shinier than mine. "You'll be fine."

"No, you'll be fine Adrian." He smiled.

We didn't say anything after that. I simply didn't know what else to say, except to hope that the operation would be successful.

Lucas had brain tumor. He had been operated on when he was much younger, fifteen years old.

And his family had thought that was it. Who would have expected that it would get this worse again?

He forbade me from calling his parents or siblings.

I couldn't sit still, so I told him I needed to make a call and ran out of there. That was when the dam was opened and I cried like I had never before.

I cried for myself and for Lucas.

Life was cruel.

It took my mum when I was fifteen, she died of breast cancer. It took my grandmother as well. Not to forget that it took my childhood best friend from me in an accident.

Now it was taking my boyfriend.

"Hello?" I heard the soft voice come through the phone. This was my best friend and roommate from college, Kara. We were the same age and at this moment, I really needed her.

Her number was on speed dial, I hadn't even known I'd dialed her number.

It was done subconsciously.

"H-hello?" 

I opened my mouth but the words got stuck in my throat. Where do I start from?

"Adrian? Are you ther-"

"He's going Kara." I sniffed.

My mind was in a jumbled mess. I wished she was here so I could wrap my arms around her. I'd been strong enough, now I needed someone to rely on.

"What? Who?" Kara asked, sounding confused. I bit my lower lip, remembering I hadn't told her anything about Lucas's illness.

I didn't like telling others things about my relationship and even if I would have told Kara anything, it wouldn't be about my boyfriend lying in a hospital bed.

I had earlier planned on waiting till the new years, so we could go to Kara's place and spend the new year celebration with them, whenever Lucas started feeling better.

"Lu-lucas, he's going. He is leaving me." I cried.

"Wh-where did he say he is going Adrian?" She asked in further confusion. Kara knew how much Lucas was into me and she knew we wouldn't just break up without a big fight.

Even if we would break up, everyone could testify to it. I would be the stubborn person to break things off with him. Lucas was possessive and had reportedly told me he would never let me go. And every time, especially during sex, he reminded me who owned me. Him.

He was just like that.

"What do I do Kara? I-i really like him. No, I think I love him. We've been together for two years already..." I released a bitter sob.

She didn't say anything, just heaving a disturbed sigh.

"What do I do Kara? Oh god..."

"Alright. I don't kn-"

"I swear Kara, this isn't even funny. Like why would he do something so inconsiderate?!" I snapped. After everything, the beautiful memories.

But it wasn't his fault.

It was the cancer. This wasn't my Lucas's fault at all.

"Adrie, calm down. Take shor-"

I let out a pitchy scream, frustrated and angry about life and my futile efforts to make a good relationship out of everyone I tried to love. First my best friend, then my mom, then my grandma. I took off my shoe and threw it afar off, earning me pitiful and strange looks from passers by in front of the hospital yard.

"Shit! Shit!! Shit!!!" I heard Kara curse.

Choking on sobs, my hand trembled as I struggled not to throw the phone away as well.

"Adrian, talk to me! What's going on there? Are you there?" I didn't reply for a while. "Goodness Adrian, I swear talk to me babe."

"Kara?" I heard Kara's boyfriend, Stephano, call from the background, his voice etched with concern.

"He's fuckin leaving me Kara." I croaked. "I'm going to fuckin kill him, he's a fuckin son of a fuckin bitch!"

"Adrie."

I started cursing, not listening to her anymore.

"Adrie!" She snapped. I stilled, and went back to sobbing slowly.

I wheezed. "Y-yes?"

"Where are you?"

"I-I'm at Oak hospital. I might leave before you get here. I- I don't know, maybe go somewhere, a cafe or something, or maybe go see someone or..." I rambled.

If Lucas was conscious, he would have taken me out today and then we would have spent the rest of the day in, eating ice cream and cuddling. Then having hot, wild sex.

"I- I'm coming right now! Stay there, don't go anywhere! I swear Adrie, don't go anywhere!" Kara commanded.

She knew how I was fond of taking irrational decisions whenever I was in a bad mood.

And of course Kara had rushed over to the hospital that day, and we had been there even the next morning when the operation was later performed. 

It had been a successful operation.

Only for nurses to rush in barely a minute after the operation had been announced successful. I could still remember the beeping of the hospital heart monitor when it became unbearable.

And that doctor had told me his fate. Lucas hadn't made it.

The burden was left for me to bear. Having to live, eat, bathe and do every other thing without him.

It was hard. But I would cope, right?

I didn't want to.

I sniffed and realized my eyes were burning again.

"Don't cry." The voice softly murmured.

I opened my eyes again and looked around the room, stopping on the figure standing at the door.

Diego. Kara's friend.

I didn't like Diego, at least I didn't like him very much. He knew Kara was dating Stephano and still showed her his affection. And also, there was this secret he was keeping. A secret I knew clearly.

A secret I hadn't told anyone yet, though I think Kara would figure it out if I kept being around this Diego guy.

He was watching me. His expression was somber, lips pursed, chiseled jaws clenched in tenseness that was hard not to notice. There was no pity in those grey eyes though, but it was as if he could feel my pain.

He knew already.

"You'll look ugly when you cry." He commented drily.

Lucas had said the same thing this grey eyed man was saying.

The sides of my lips curved downwards as I started a new session of silent crying as the image of Lucas's smiling face while he had told me I would look ugly if I cried surfaced in my mind.

Approaching me, Diego sat close to me on my bed and patted my back.

I didn't know if I needed his comfort. But it helped that someone was watching me cry and not crying along or afraid I would break like Kara had been doing since we left the cemetery.

"You'll be fine. Shh." Diego patted my hair and leaned closer.

I didn't want to hear that. Just like Lucas had told me I would be fine before I left the hospital, Diego was no one to make decisions for me.

What if I didn't want to be fine? What if I grew tired too?

I sniffed and just stared ahead, resting my head on my palm and blinking the tears in my eyes away.

Diego's actions were gentle as if I would claw at his eyes if he did anything I didn't appreciate.

"You'll be fine. Come here." He leaned in and whispered sweet nothings in my ear, still gently rubbing my hair.

Then he pecked my forehead softly.

Gently.

"Just be happy." Diego whispered and I felt myself slowly drifting into a weak slumber.

Would I wake up happy?