TW: Angst

From the first time Chris had set his eyes on Alex he knew he was lost in that lovely sea blue gaze and soft angelic voice, when Alex had just walked in unannounced and left Chris with flushed cheeks and no words to speak. Everything about Alex had pulled him in, pulled him so close his heart almost hurt with how much he loved him, how irresistible the man was when their lips glided over each others and their breaths became second hand smoke which Chris was addicted to, running into countless nights spent with their hands on each other leaving him in a hazy stupor of lust and love yet every time Alex left his heart broke a little more.

"It's just a fling."

"A one time thing."

Chris loved the way it hurt, loved the way Alex hurt him, the pain pushing him on an on again and again to call him over, to pull him in with a sultry smile and the promise of a good fuck, a wink and a kiss, yet every time Alex walked back through the door Chris felt himself die a little more inside because no amount of 'I love you baby' would get Alex back through the door into his arms.

Dragging his nails over the pink tinged tiles, watching the rivers of diluted blood flow, it all reminded him of Alex and how Alex caused this and it made Chris love him even more in a sadistic warped moment of desire and pain which swarmed his head and threatened to take more from Chris than Alex ever had.

Chris new Alex wasn't happy with his current relationship, knew he was a weapon when Alex inevitably left in a blazing glow of anger and pain that Chris could wipe away with a kiss, make the pain go away with a hug, make it all stop with a cut-

There were too many scars for so little wars, to many concerns pushed away with with strong arms and nothing but pure lust which was all Chris needed from Alex to survive and he didn't know how Alex could do this to him but god did he love it.

"I love you."

___________________

"Why don't you say it back?"

"Why do I need to?" Alex shouted, his words cutting deeper than Chris let on.

"It's just three words Smith!"

"I- for fucks sakes Trott-"

"You sing it songs, you say it to everyone but me!" Chris said quieter, hoping Alex didn't hear the soft break at the end.

"I can't say it if I don't mean it!"

"You-"

"Trott, you have problems you don't wanna solve because you're too busy trying to prove something-"

"I'm not trying to prove anything and-"

"You are and you know it!" Alex yelled, running a hand through his hair while he turned his back to Chris.

"You are being fucking ridiculous-"

"You're being my worst fucking nightmare!"

"Well I'm sorry if I have an actual illness-"

"You won't let me help you!"

"I can't get any better!" Chris cried. "You really don't understand!"

"Chris, stop this!"

"Why wont you just say it?" Chris whispered but his voice seemed so loud in the silence.

"You're not gonna stop until all those drug make you numb." Alex said, turning to cup Chris's face.

"They stop me killing myself." He said, pulling his face away from Alex.

"Please let me help-"

"Just tell me you love me."

After an eternal pause, bated breath and silent tears, Alex spoke up with a hitched raw voice and his words cut deeper than any blade could.

"I don't feel a thing for you."

__________________

Maybe it was stupid to walk out. Maybe he was stupid for just leaving. Alex's words revolved around his head, taunted him, laughed at him, pulled the blood from his veins and into his mouth leaving a metallic loneliness in it's wake.

"I don't feel a thing for you."

It was like a bad taste, like a coldness that the downpour outside couldn't match as it mingled with his tears as they fell, the ringing in his ears blocking out the raindrops that beat the floor, blocking out the wind that pushed against him with fever. His fingers shook not with the bitter rain but the feeling of rejection that washed through his body in waves of icy agony that hit home when his breaths choked in his throat as he tried to go anywhere that the pain wasn't. He didn't know how long he walked for.

When Alex's arms encased him and pulled him into his warm chest the most Chris could do was stand there, his arms around Alex's waist as he cried.

"Baby, come home."

Chris nodded.

"I remember, I remember our first kiss. It was in the rain too, but it was warmer and only light rain." Alex began as they walked back home in time with the melody of the rain that hit the floor. "You're hair was shorter...you smiled more back then..."

"I-I remember when you, err, you kissed me then too. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I really realised that I lov-" But Chris stopped the words from tumbling out, from pushing Alex away from him even more.

"That you what?"

"It's nothing." Chris mumbled, knowing that no matter how he said it, no matter what situation, Alex wouldn't love him back.

"When we get in you're going straight in the shower. We'll warm you up, make sure you don't get a cold...okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry for shouting at you."

"I'm sorry I shouted back."

"You had every right to." Alex sighed as he opened their door, his free hand running through his hair in what Chris knew was nervousness, not frustration. As Alex pushed him towards the stairs Chris's heart jumped again, and he hated it, hated how he would blush at the things they would say, the things they would do. Walking into the bathroom alone while Alex hung up their coats promising to be there in a second, Chris looked into the mirror at his worn pale face that seemed too ill, too sad.

"I love you."

_________________

The late night felt cold but Chris was warm in Alex's arms. So much time seemed to pass by now, everyday just merging into one long cycle of working, sleeping, hoping and praying for the day he could look into Alex's eyes and see the same love he felt inside.

"I'm yours, you know." Alex stated. It was almost a whisper that was lost in the pitch black room, but Chris knew he would always be there to hear him.

"What do you mean?" He whispered back, laying his head onto Alex's chest. He smiled as he felt Alex run his fingers through his hair but his smile fell as he heard Alex's sigh, so quiet but it still shattered the silence.

"It wasn't immediate, but I...I know now. I know."

"Know what?"

"That I love you. Every part of me loves every part of you."

"Alex..."

But Chris was silenced with warm lips gracing his own, soft and reassuring, capturing them gently between his teeth which completely took Chris's breath away with a soft gasp. Alex's tongue traced Chris's lips as he ran a hand through his hair, tenderly pulling Chris closer to him, lifting his chin so he could draw back a little and gaze into Chris's eyes. Chris looked at him, eyes half lidded in content before they fluttered close as Alex pulled them together again, kissing Chris's cheek before moving back to his lips and laughing a little as their noses bumped and Chris moved his head to the side, relaxing more into Alex's arms as their tongues ghosted over each other's sending tingling shiver down Chris's spine. Chris could feel his heart glow as he held onto Alex, the soft smile on his face mirrored on Alex's as they embraced, their warm breaths sweet as they gasped in harmony. Chris opened his eyes once more to look at Alex, watch as he opened his and gazed longingly at him.

"I love you too, Alex, I love you too."

Credit to SnowyTheButt on Ao3