TW: Past Death, Angst

"I'm sorry"

"He was a great guy"

"We'll always remember him."

All words, stupid meaningless words that meant nothing. After all, words can't bring someone back from the dead. If they could be would be here, standing beside me, laughing and joking like he always used too. Tears can't bring someone back either, I've shed enough of them to know that. I wish that I could tell him how I feel. That I felt the same as he did. I love him, and still do. In love with a dead man, can life get any worse?

People don't get it, why I was so affected by his death. But they don't understand, they don't know what feelings I had for him. They keep on saying that I'll get over his death, but will I? It sure doesn't feel like it. I've been so tempted to join him , but I know what he would say to that. "You can't do that! It's Christmas!" You see he died on Christmas day, a day when we should've been happy together, the day I was going to tell him how I felt. Only, he never reached my apartment. Some drunk driver smashed into him on the road. Debris punctured his heart, or so they told me and they did, it felt like the same debris was puncturing my heart.

Everything since then has just been truly horrible. The funeral was the worst, but isn't it always? The whole yogscast was there and somehow that made it worse. I knew him best, so it was me that that had to make the speech. The speech to honor his life. To tell the truth, I don't remember all of what I said. But the last line, I will remember for the rest of my life.

"I wanted to tell you this on Christmas day Toby and, although it's much too late now, I still want too. I wanted you to know that I, Martyn Littlewood, am very much in love with you. I know you can hear me Toby, so I want you to know that the next time we meet, I will still feel the same. So you just wait, one day we can be together. For all eternity."

And I meant every single word of it. I know Toby's waiting for me somewhere, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I miss you Toby. I love you, and I always will.

Credit to AugmentedHuman