I wasn't sure if I should tell you this or not.
But in the end I decided I wanted you to know, because the messages were a bit cryptic.
I lied.
Things were getting better?
They really aren't.
I've learned my lesson?
I was too scared last time.
The friends in school?
Made up because I didn't want you to worry.
I love you guys, but who ever said love was the strongest power in the universe, well love isn't enough to keep me here.
It's too late to try and stop anything I am writing this with the pills beside me, and after I take the last one I will press publish and you will know.
They are painkillers ironically, strong ones from after my mums operation with heavy warning labels screaming about keeping away from children. There are 15 and I also have aspirin. 20.
You are not allowed to blame yourselves. Especially you Mia. In fact if you do I will take it as a personal insult to my memory.
I'm sorry to everyone who I may cause pain. I just am too selfish and to weak to stay.
So I'm going.
And maybe I'll see you.
Maybe one day we'll actually meet.
And I can apologise though if that does happen then really it will have been the worst possible outcome. Right now I just want to sleep. Where I can't think and it's just dark and you can't think abo it waking up because you can't think. Where no one can hurt you not even yourself.
I love you.
I do.
I've taken the first one.
I wonder what my children might have been like?
2.
I wonder if I might have been happy?
3.
I wonder if I could have made somebody else happy?
4.
I wonder what the future will be like?
5.
I wonder whether we will destroy earth?
6.
Or manage to save it?
7.
I wonder what my little brothers will be like when they grow up?
8.
Will they grow up?
9.
Or will they be so tainted by their sisters death that it leads to their own depression and eventual sucide?
10.
The thing is guys whenever I look into the future all I see is grey mist. Cold, claustrophobic, frightening, dark lonely grey mist.
11.
I have no future.
12.
I have no hope.
Okay, I've taken them all.
I'm lying on my bed, tucked up in the covers.
Phone in hand.
The death of a teenager they would joke.
If the teenager hadn't just committed sucide.
I'm not going to be a hypocrite and demand that you keep fighting.
I'm just going to say that I hope you do.
And I hope one day you are happy and forget about me and about this part of your life.
I hope you escape the mist.
I can't escape now, it's coming for me.
But I don't mind.
I can't feel the cold where I'm going.
I'm going to have to stop now.
I'm so tired.
I just want to sleep.
Goodnight guys.
Goodbye.
I.
Love.
You.
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