'...you can't think you'll ever deserve anyone's trust to lead them or do anything right.'

Hadley snapped awake, confused when she didn't see the walls of her crowded cubicle.

"Are you okay?"

Hadley turned to the voice. Jamila. It all came back to her. Her failed escape... the vampire dogs... Ruqwik... men... And now they were in the jungle, searching for the Wildlings. Slivers of sunlight made it through the canopy and some of the rays reached the golden beauty by her side. Even with her hair all messy, Jamila had this otherworldly beauty that took Hadley's breath away.

"Are you?" Hadley answered.

Jamila rubbed her eyes and yawned. "I didn't sleep very well."

"Must be those stones pretending to be a mattress beneath us," Hadley said, trying to be funny but totally failing at it.

Jamila chuckled as she stood up and stretched.

Hadley lay back on the tarp and tablecloth bedding and stared at the beautiful canopy. She made patterns from the shapes of leaves and branches and thought about how she'd got here and if there was a way that she could have avoided it all. None of these people should have been here. She shouldn't have been in this position. They shouldn't have trusted her!

Jamila knelt next to Hadley.

"Do you remember what I told you the last time we were together like this?" Jamila asked.

Hadley did, but she stayed silent because she didn't deserve any of it.

"You don't have to carry this load you lug around alone, and I meant it beyond just being an Elder, which I don't think will be happening anymore," she cleared her throat, looked down at her hands on her lap and then looked straight into Hadley's eyes. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm right here."

Hadley smiled, but it felt wrong because she felt nothing that warranted a smile. Only guilt and shame.

And that eternal despair from knowing the darkness stole every chance to be what Jamila deserved.

"I bet the Wildlings will have a much more comfortable sleeping arrangement for tonight." Hadley said with a forced chuckle.

"Sure," Jamila replied, matching Hadley's awkward laugh.

No. Awkward didn't even begin to describe what was happening.

"We should get some breakfast?" Hadley suggested.

The others were lively, most of them standing around a fire. Billy and Crystal were cooking something on the fire that smelt absolutely delicious. Hadley and Jamila learnt that Jael had built a trap that captured some ducks from a small pool not too far away. They'd also found eggs in a nest on the shore when they'd gone to retrieve the ducks before sun rise that morning. Billy had used Jael's multitool to slaughter and dress the two ducks and Crystal had found aromatic herbs and plants to flavour the meal. Jael had borrowed Hadley's machete and led Teroi and the other men to a bamboo patch to help her carve out bowls and cups from the bamboo stems.

When everything was ready, they sat in groups to eat. Teroi sat with the other young men. There were four of them – Teroi was the oldest at twenty-three, one of the other men was a year older than Hadley and her Cohort at twenty-one, and the last two were a year younger than them at nineteen. In addition to the men were the little boys, three in total, between seven and nine years old. The boys sat together, with the vampire dog sitting calmly next to Drew. Hadley noticed green rings at the edge of the dog's eyes. Finally, the mothers from the Compound sat with their daughters and the six-year-old girl, animated as they talked and laughed.

Hadley and the girls from her Cohort made up the last group.

"So, what do you guys think of the men?" Billy asked between mouthfuls of scrambled eggs.

"I don't think I want to sleep with women anymore." Jael suddenly.

That got everyone talking all at once. She was the last person they expected to make a comment, let alone one that explosive!

"When was this decision made? And we want all the gory details!" Crystal was finally able to say above the furiously whispered maelstrom of comments. They were trying to keep the discussion between them, but it was kind of failing. Hadley could see furtive glances coming from Teroi's group.

"Tell us everything!" Billy added.

Jael smiled, but didn't look up from whatever new contraption she was working on this time.

"I was curious," Jael said with a shrug. "I asked Yuvan if he didn't mind stripping down. He said I'd have to do it too. Seemed like a fair trade."

"You obviously did more than strip down!" Jamila said, her voice coy.

"We fit like a puzzle piece." Jael said, her smile widening as she finally looked up at the others. "I love puzzles."

Hadley didn't know where to start. She had so many questions!

Billy spoke up first.

"I agree that the men are fun," she said, before giving Crystal a quick, doting peck on the cheek. "But I won't be giving up women anytime soon!"

"You too?" Hadley asked.

Crystal blushed. "More like us four."

Billy laughed, her words dancing with glee. "Okay, hear us out. Last night, we were pretty worked up and stressed out about... well, everything. So, we were... you know... trying to... de-stress, and the men noticed and offered to... help."

"Is it really that different?" Jamila asked, sceptically.

"Well..." Crystal started, taking a moment to think about her response. "They're flat where they should be curvy, and they're hard where it should be soft – sometimes very hard, and all that facial hair is bristly and ticklish. But somehow, it works."

"And they have a dildo as a part of their bodies!" Billy said, whispering even lower than before. "It's lots of fun."

"Maybe their curves will come in after Conception Day, when they become pregnant?" Jamila said, pensively. "Otherwise, how will they feed their children without breasts?"

"Yeah. I'm curious to see them pregnant!" Hadley added, wondering how a growing embryo would sit on those straight, lanky frames.

"We won't have to wait long," Billy replied. "Conception Day is just a few weeks from today."

Hadley was glad they could distract themselves like this for a while. They talked about men for most of breakfast and then started getting ready to leave their camp after that, which kept them busy. Busy enough that no one had time to question Hadley about how lost they were. And when Hadley finally found the river, she was over the moon! They weren't lost anymore! They would follow the river to where they would eventually find the Wildlings that she'd been tracking this whole time.

But the sense of euphoria was tainted by her mother's voice now stuck in her mind ever since she'd let it in.

'You did great today. But why can't you do that all the time?'

As a bonus, they'd found a little clear pool off the river hemming into the forest where there were so many fish, they were practically beaching themselves onto the shore every so often. Everyone decided to rest here and have lunch. Hadley took the moment to grab Jamila away from Drew and the other children, leaving the mothers to continue caring for the children. She walked Jamila away from the river into the privacy of the trees and kissed her against one of the trees.

"You seem happy," Jamila said.

"I am," Hadley said. "I wanted to steal a moment with you before we find the Wildlings. We might get too busy settling in when we get there."

Jamila hummed, pulling Hadley even closer. She looked around them.

"I think this place right here is beautiful," Jamila sighed. She kissed Hadley again. "Maybe we don't need to go anywhere else."

At her words, Hadley took the time to mindfully examine their location. Everything was awash in brilliant leafy green with splotches of brown and rock grey where the earth fought through. She had led Jamila where a small spring bubbled from the base of a tree a few meters to the left, the crystal-clear water winding its way past them over gorgeously patterned rocks jutting out squarely from the forest floor towards the river. Lush, verdant ferns fanned outwards from the undergrowth in decorative feathered plumes, and the fig they leaned against braided itself onto an oak in the most intricate of patterns to the canopy. Jamila was right. It was gorgeous here.

How had Hadley missed out on all of this?

Jamila kissed Hadley then, making it all that much more amazing.

"You like it, don't you? We can just stay here," Jamila said, running her hands up and down Hadley's back and arms. "Live off sex and root vegetables."

Hadley chuckled, but she couldn't deny that it sounded like the best idea ever.

And if she wasn't disconnecting...

"Let's get back to the others before they miss us too much." Hadley said with another small laugh. For the umpteenth time, she chickened out of sharing with Jamila what was happening to her mind because it was too scary. It was selfish, but Hadley couldn't help it. Being lit up by Jamila's absolute love was an unmatched feeling and Hadley was afraid she would lose that once the golden beauty knew that she would never have the same reciprocated to her. However, when they found the Wildlings later that day, Hadley would come clean. Jamila deserved so much more than Hadley could ever give her and if she chose to leave Hadley then, at least it would be in a safe space.

Throughout the day, Hadley hoped the levity and good tidings would last, but the day dragged on with them following the river as the diary had instructed, but not finding any tribes. All they found were obstacles of large crags and boulders blocking their way and forcing them to climb these little cliffs so they could walk around the rocky faces to avoid making everyone wade into the large, rapid river to swim around them. The hiking was unbearably wretched and by the time they called it a day and set up camp, stark misery permeated the group. Still, no one confronted Hadley on her bullshit guidance. Not even Ruq. That just made her mental self-flagellation a whole lot worse.

The next day was worse.

*

They'd been walking for three days now, every new day worse than the last.

Hadley couldn't recognise any of the landmarks from the diary. They were hopelessly lost.

She still hadn't told anyone yet just how lost they were.

Didn't know how.

The others assumed they were almost there and that gave them a hope she wasn't strong enough to shatter. It was beginning to stress her out. Following the river had only led them into more confusing terrain, most of which they could barely move through without Hadley's machete. Hadley had been studying the map every chance she got, but it was gibberish at this point. She was starting to think that maybe twenty years was too long to hope the landmarks from her aunt's diary were as intact as her aunt remembered.

They had made it back to the river's shore after a particularly gruelling hike and the others made it quite obvious that they were getting over the situation by freezing Hadley out by keeping themselves busy setting up camp and pointing out that they didn't need help when she went over to assist. Hadley wondered why they wouldn't just confront her when she had definitely earned their vitriol and anger and bitterness, until more than one of them looked past Hadley and into the shadows while speaking with her.

Ruqwik.

They were afraid of reprisal from the vampire?

Hadley hated the realisation but didn't exactly know what to do about it except to seethe and pickle in the unfairness of the dilemma. Ruq was on the edge of starvation because of Hadley, but the vampire was still keeping them safe every day. Antagonising Ruq under the assumption that she was keeping the others from challenging Hadley would have untold ramifications that she couldn't risk.

A huge splash preceded Hadley getting drenched, yanking her out of the spiralling dark thoughts. She was sitting on a rock on the shore of the river. Below her, Teroi was in his underwear struggling with one of Jael's fish traps. She couldn't stop the snort laugh that exploded from her as she watched him fumble and slip over, screaming in frustration as a swarm of fish jumped him before he went under. He popped his head out of the water and smiled sheepishly at Hadley. He pushed the sleek mop of dark brown wet hair from his eyes.

"I'm glad to be a part of your daily entertainment," he said with that signature silly smile and a bow. "A little help, please?"

Hadley smiled and stripped down to her underwear. She jumped from the rock into the freezing cold water and helped Teroi wrangle the fish that hadn't already escaped the trap. Despite the G.F.E., the Great Fish Escape, there was still plenty left for them all. Jael's tinkering on her traps in the last couple of days had produced impressive results. To compliment the traps, Jael had made a cooking grate from more of the items she had taken from the blood café. She'd also apparently stolen a harmonica, which Billy had appropriated and was trying to make music with. Trying and failing but keeping their spirits up as they ridiculed her attempts at it.

As always, the unbeatable Billy and Crystal duo had completely flipped the group's vibe, not just with the awful upbeat music, but also with the amazing aromas wafting from their roasting grills. These two had been dishing up amazing feasts every night ever since they'd started hunting and gathering – the best morale booster the group could have ever hoped for. Tonight, it even made the others tolerant of Hadley, unlike before, but that just made her guilt bite harder and gnaw deeper.

"I'm freezing!" Teroi shivered the words after they'd delivered the fish to Billy and Crystal.

Hadley was cold too. She grabbed a couple of tablecloths from where her and Jamila would be sleeping later and walked back to Teroi, sitting them next to the main camp bonfire. She handed him one of the large cloths and wrapped herself in the other. The cloths weren't made from thick or warm fabric, but they were each relatively large and made for a decent blanket when folded over several times. The two sat on a mossy log next to the bonfire, breathing in the delicious scent of grilling fish swirling around the camp from a smaller fire a few feet away and enjoying Billy's impromptu harmonica concert.

"That's much better. Thanks." Teroi said, leaning closer to the flames.

Hadley looked across the fire and smiled at Drew petting his dog, which he had aptly named Brownie. Ruqwik was standing behind the little boy, showing him how to train the creature. Who knew dogs could be trained? In the corner of the clearing, right at the edge, Billy's little concert ended and she joined Crystal, Jael and the men from Teroi's group who were sneaking away from the group and into the forest. They'd be away from the fire, but Hadley had a feeling that they wouldn't get cold. Jamila had taken over the grilling fish and the three mothers from the Compound were entertaining the three Progeny boys and the young girls from the Compound. The camp was a homely sight.

Hadley looked back at Teroi sitting next to her. His usually pale face was flushed red from the bonfire, and he looked relaxed. Happy. He'd also calmed down from the aggressive flirting, which made him a lot more tolerable to be around. In fact, for the last two days he'd seemed much more interested at finding ways to help around camp than in her.

"You're different," Hadley said.

Teroi turned to face her, a content smile on his face. "What do you mean?"

"You're different from the first time we met," she said.

"Oh, that," he said, looking back at the fire. "Yeah, well, when we met, I was doing everything the way Lujeo trained me to. He said it drew crowds to you. That it was how a Master should be. But it's hard for me to keep the act going like he did."

He turned back to face Hadley.

"I don't mind it so much anymore that I'm not drawing crowds to me anyway," he said, his smile widening and adding a glint to his dark brown eyes. His hair was drying up, more than a few strands sticking out in odd directions, which Hadley found adorable.

"I don't know about crowds," Hadley said. "But this version of you is definitely easier to be friends with."

He laughed. "I'll take that."

They sat in silence for a bit, warming up in the glow of the deliciously warm fire. It was the tail-end of winter and well into the start of spring, but it was still bitingly cold at night. Hadley had to find the Wildlings soon, or people would start getting sick. But she didn't want to think about that right now. As she spoke with Teroi, Hadley took the time to undo her damp braided twists, detangling each twist in her fingers and then redoing it anew before moving on to the next braided twist. Jamila usually did her hair, but Hadley would braid it on her own every so often as a way to calm her mind and distract herself. The results wouldn't be as good as when Jay did them, but they'd look adequate.

"Your Master, Lujeo..." Hadley continued.

"What about him?"

"What he would say... how he told you to act... it was pretty important to you, wasn't it?"

Teroi took a moment to answer.

"Only important in the sense that he was going to be the Master to Sire me, which is what I've been waiting for my whole life," Teroi replied, not taking his eyes off the fire. "I used to want to be just like him for the longest time. He's a popular Master and Baron and everyone adored him. He had big ideas. Changed the world. I used to do everything just like he'd ask."

"Used to?" Hadley began to recognise an unexpected kinship with the man, even though he was still mostly a stranger. "What changed?"

"As a Progeny, I had several mentors for different things. They were assigned to teach me how to be a vampire," Teroi explained, looking at the dancing flames. "One of my mentors was another Enclave Baron, Paluri, and he taught me something that fundamentally changed everything about me."

"What did he teach you?"

"He'd repeatedly ask me who's voice I heard in my head when I talked to myself. At first, I didn't understand what he was asking. But he told me to listen to the words I said to myself every day and then try to figure out who's voice said the words." Teroi said. He turned to look at Hadley, a pensive look in his dark eyes. "He said that if the voice wasn't mine, but it held power over me, then I was living another person's version of me."

The words hit Hadley hard, but they silenced her too. She'd asked the question but hadn't expected a whole monologue or him dumping all this on her. She already had enough to deal with. She suddenly didn't want to be speaking with Teroi anymore and was about to stand up and walk over to Jamila, but Teroi started talking again.

Teroi laughed a little awkwardly before he spoke up again. "So... I started putting on muscle."

Hadley turned to him, annoyed that she couldn't get herself to stand up and leave and that she was genuinely curious to know where this was going.

"When you're turned into a vampire, you keep the body you have at the moment of the Turn forever. Lujeo had a specific type of body that he expected all his Progenies to maintain until the Turn. A slender, slightly toned, fit body that wasn't overly masculine. Just like his. He used to say that tailored suits look better on that type of frame," Teroi continued. "But I liked how it felt to get stronger. To grow bigger. I finally had to admit that it was Lujeo's voice in my head, telling me what to do every day. So, I ignored that voice and did what I felt was better for me. Once you Turn, you can't change how you look. I didn't want to be stuck looking like the best version of someone else."

"Did Lujeo accept that?" Hadley couldn't help it. She needed to know! Her heart was beating so fast and hard that it hurt. She knew a little something about someone else dictating your every thought, feeling and decision and how impossible it was to get away from it. Even now, she couldn't keep the words from playing in her mind.

'You're not a child anymore. Don't act like one. You're being too sensitive! You're fine. Just suck it up and move on!'

"Hell no he didn't accept that! He even threatened not to Turn me if I didn't stop lifting weights," Teroi replied with a little laugh. Then his voice became solemn. "At the Sun Festival that night, he had banished me from the main event, ordering me to go babysit the young Progenies and not come out until he sent for me. That's the only reason I survived the vampire dog attack. Because I decided to be me, not another version of him, like he wanted."

'There're only two things you can be. An Elder, or a failure.'

"It didn't just save you," Hadley said in the same solemn voice. She tore her gaze from the fire to the rest of the camp, to Drew and the other little boys, joking and laughing and enjoying delicious grilled fish, the company of friends, and the wonderful atmosphere. Hadley nodded towards them. "It saved them too."

Hadley turned to look at Teroi again and smiled.

He smiled back, then looked at the fire.

"So, let me get this straight," Hadley said, looking over at the outline of large arms and broad shoulders over the large chest hunched under the tablecloth. "You purposefully choose to look like that!"

Teroi laughed and bumped her with his massive shoulder.

"Says the girl with six pack abs," he replied with a laugh.

"I have never worked a day in my life for this." Hadley joked, pointing at her body, and laughing. "Besides, I don't look like I'm made of a mountain of meat."

Teroi turned to her, his brown eyes sparkling in the fire light, his smile soft.

"You certainly do not," he said quietly.