Everyone is silent. No one says a word as we watch the story of my mother's murder play out as a series of pixels. No one moves as the police chief and the anchors speak. No one dares breathe as a slide show of pictures of my mother plays through. There is one of her and I. I was around five and we were at the zoo. I had so much fun that day. Mommy taught me about the places the animals lived and Daddy let me hide behind him when we got to the scary animals. A memory I can't even recognize. That memory belongs to some other family that died years ago.
Then another headline appears on the screen and my mother is old news. We watch without really watching. Savannah and Julia are lost in their thoughts. I am just lost period. I can't think about anything. All I can do is sit here. Sit here and fall to pieces.
The police still haven't found a motive, but I know exactly what the motive was. Ria. And me. He was angry at my mother for taking away the children he doesn't love anyway.
I grab the remote and turn off the television. I don't care about any of these other stories. I get up off the couch, walk out onto the balcony, and look over. The cement below doesn't look so bad right now. I climb up into the railing that separate the balcony from the street below and sit on it, just staring down at the people and cars below me. Not really thinking about anything in particular. Just little fleeting thoughts appearing randomly in my head.
"Bastard father"
           "Dead mother"
"High balcony"
"Inviting sidewalk"
          I just sit there watching the activity below. People. Some who may have watched the news. None who actually care. They look like little cockroaches wearing clothes ranging from Armani to Adidas. Little cockroaches that would be squished if an object fell from this height. An object, or a person.
I am still looking down, but now leaning a little toward the ground. Just tilting my body forward to see more. No one is looking upward. No one would know I had fallen until I hit the ground. No one would know until I was already gone.
           Then there are hands on me, pulling me back. Pulling me back onto the balcony. Back to safety.
          "What the hell, Serena?!", Savannah.
          "Oh my god, what were you doing?!", Julia.
I don't respond. I'm deciding to take those questions as rhetorical because there isn't any way to answer them.
            They lead me back into the living room. I just stand there staring at the dark television screen, remembering what had once shown there.
         "You should sit down," Savannah advises, "You're looking a little pale."
         "You know we were actually getting close, mom and I", I say, still staring at the TV. Savannah and Julia exchange a look.
         "I was learning things about her, and she was learning things about me.", I continue. Savannah and Julia stay quiet.
         "I thought we could have one of those super awesome mother-daughter friendships," I say, with just a touch of bitterness, "But I guess we can't."
           As if on cue, Ria starts to cry from her playpen. I walk over to her and lift her out of the playpen. She stops crying, but still has a grim expression. She knows somethings up, she just can't figure out what. And I don't think I would want her to.
           She starts to cry again, and I realize that she's probably hungry. Everyone was too focused on my mother to worry about the empty stomach of poor little Ria. She didn't cry for food during my mother's news story. Maybe she could tell that it was not to be interrupted.
         Once the bottle is made, I sit on the couch with her. Julia and Savannah are just staring at me. I ignore them. What's wrong with feeding a hungry baby?
          "Serena, I think-", I cut Savvy off.
          "Don't."
          Ria continues to drink the milk, Savvy and Julia continue to stare. I continue to ignore this. There is a heavy silence until Ria finishes her bottle and a have to burp her. Her tiny burps, sounding closer to hiccups really, poking holes in the thick quiet.
           Finally, I grow tired of the staring and move to my room. I'm fine. I'm not. I'm most definitely not. I place Ria in her newly bought crib and lay down in the bed. Ria makes baby noises while I just lay in silence. I hear the door open and look in that direction. It's Savannah. She looks worried. It is only now that I realize how I've been acting. I sit up in the bed.
             "Savvy, I'm rea-", I start.
             "You don't have to say anything."
            She wheels across the room and I help her up on the bed next to me. We just lay their and stare up at the ceiling. Finally, she looks over at me. I look back at her.
            "I know you have something to say, so spit it out.", I tell her, still looking at her.
              "I wanna tell you that everything is going to be okay, but that does not apply here. Your father just killed your mother. That is not okay. So since I can't tell you that everything's gonna be okay, I'll tell you that I'm here for you. And I love you."
            I manage a small smile and look back up at the ceiling. Nothing needs to be said. Nothing at all.