i am so sorry for the long chapters and my typo blindness, hahaha.

122022 #BYLAMwp Chapter 5

I force my mind into a cooldown. Being aware of Chio's presence is like a switch. Feeling—knowing that there's something off with him pushes everything off the table. Ganun kalakas ang hatak ng presence niya sa lahat. I barely remember wanting to break Jass' side mirror and chucking it into Jass' face. I know I wanted to do it, but now I just . . . don't.

A question pushes itself in front of everything I was thinking of earlier, dismissing all my other thoughts as unimportant: Did Chio hear?

Does he now know? Did he understand anything?

Mukhang hindi lang naman ako ang natauhan. Even Jass freezes on his spot, as if the person he's looking at is a raging Sabrina ready to punch everyone on her way instead of a quiet Chio who's just standing with my car keys dangling from his fingers. Jass even flinches when Chio's chest moves when he takes a deep breath.

"Chio—" He shuts me up simply by transferring his gaze to me.

Oh, hell.

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined being scared of Chio.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang ine-expect ko, but what I did not expect is him walking up to Jass, picking up my bag from the ground, then my coin purse. Pinagpag niya ang bag ko bago ipasok doon ang coin purse ko. He stares at me after and I prepare myself to answer all the questions he may have.

I sigh. Wala na, e. Heto na. At least after a year of hiding I can finally tell someone about it. This is not the most ideal situation but—

He smiles.

It made me want to melt in the spot. How can a smile feel like a fucking hug?

Or vulnerable lang ba ako? Too fragile this morning?

He doesn't speak. He only gestures me to go to the front seat. I merely glance at Jass before following Chio's orders. I watch Chio brush Jass of when Jass tries to speak with him. Dumeretso siya sa driver's seat, places my bag on my lap, then wears his seatbelt.

I wait for him to say something, anything—questions, engine noises, whatever. Wala. He starts the engine, waits for a while for it to heat up, then backs up in the parking lot. He ignores Jass' knocking on his window, and forces him to get his hands off my car by suddenly blowing the horn. Hanggang sa nasa daan kami ay hindi nagsasalita si Chio. He doesn't even look my way.

After a few minutes, the silence eventually quiets my mind. I sink into my seat, hug myself, and bury my face on the fabric of his jacket. I am tired. I listen to my heart and shut my eyes close. The universe has a way of exposing all your vulnerabilities when you finally feel like you're strong enough.

"AJ." My eyes flutter open. His right hand reaches for my arm and gives it a light squeeze as he pulls the car over to the side. "Hinga."

My breath comes out shaky when I do what I was told. Chio's hand moves to the back of my head as I even out my breathing. I thought he was going to ask questions, but he just busied himself by silently patting the back of my head.

"Let's just go," utos ko. Habang hindi pa traffic.

I turn my head to him when he doesn't do anything. His palm brushes the side of my face when he tucks my hair back.

"Tara na." Puwede na kaming umuwi. What are we even doing by stopping here?

I glance at the meter at may gas pa naman ang sasakyan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kami tumigil. I don't see a reason why he pulled over aside from gusto niya akong interview-hin. Or pagalitan dahil nag-walk out na naman ako habang kasama namin si Gracey. Whatever, actually. Basta I am expecting him to talk.

I like quiet, and I hate it when Chio gets too loud. But I don't like when the silence forces me to confront myself. I don't like talking to myself; I am not very friendly.

"What?" I ask Chio dahil wala pa rin kaming ginagawa bukod sa manahimik. His palm is still on the back of my head, like I'm his freaking dog. And maybe I am turning into one because I like how it feels, and I do not want him to stop. I hope he grows another arm and hand so what's on my head can stay while he drives.

I just want to head home. So what if this morning sucks? Umiikot pa rin ang mundo. And Mommy's probably working her ass off so I won't have to worry about shelter or food. Tapos heto ako? Mawawalan ng silbi dahil lang sa napakababaw na dahilan?

Chio sighs. "Iyak na." My heart skips a beat. "Wala naman akong pagsasabihan."

"'Tang ina ka, Chio," I say through gritted teeth.

My hands cover my face as I let the tears fall. He looks away but does not keep his hand off my head.

*

I sigh when I catch Chio glancing at me while driving. Hindi ko na lang pinuna at binalik ang tingin sa labas. Both my eyes sting, and there's still the annoying and persistent throbbing in my temples, but I'm slowly coming down from the lightheaded daze courtesy of a breakdown. The reality kicks in. I just bawled my eyes out to Chio, poured my heart out like a baby, and whined like a bitch as if I had my boyfriend stolen from me.

Gracey did not snatch Jass away from me. Si Jass yung umalis. He just doesn't want me anymore. I got dumped . . . ng taong nagpasok sa 'kin dito. I feel like I somehow got scammed. Parang in-invite akong mag-invest tapos biglang tinakbuhan.

I take another deep breath. I don't cry in front of people, I learned not to. I don't cry in front of Mommy because I don't want her to worry; ayaw kong dumagdag sa mga pinagkakaabalahan niyang para sa 'kin din naman. And to my friends, I am just not the person who knows how to cry.

In short, Chio has now something to hold against me.

I look at him. "Chio."

"Si Mama."

My eyebrows furrow. "What?"

He points to my side of the road with his lips. There's a huge billboard of a jewelry brand, stretching on the side of the bridged portion of the road. Part of it is a studio shoot with five women celebrities. A solo close-up of his mom occupies the other half.

"Are you aware that you got her lips?" Hinabol ko ng tingin ang billboard nang malagpasan namin. I look at Chio when I hear him laugh. "What?"

He glances at me then wiggles his brows. "Bakit mo tinitingnan labi ko? Ikaw a."

He just has to ruin it. "Fuck you. And your peaked cupid's bow."

Lalo lang lumakas ang tawa niya. I shake my head before sitting back properly. I take Chio's jacket off at itinaklob yun sa mukha ko dahil lumalabas na ang araw—masakit sa mata.

"Chio," tawag ko sa kaniya.

I don't know if he looked at me because I can't see him. "Yes, Madame?"

"Not a word," I remind him. I clear my throat when my voice comes out raspy.

"Promise."

"'Wag kang mag-promise," sabi ko bago kapain ang lever sa gilid at i-recline ang upuan ko. I turn my back at him beacuse I don't want to fall asleep tapos makita niya. Baka ma-picture-an pa ako kapag nawala 'tong jacket niyang nakataklob sa mukha ko. "Gawin mo na lang."

"Promise nga."

"'Wag ka ngang mag-promise." I think I have had enough with promises.

"Promise sabi."

I take his jacket off my face and look at him. Kung hindi lang siya nagda-drive at hindi ako takot na magulat siya at mapahamak kami sa daan, napingot ko na siya e. Sinabi nang 'wag e. "E 'wag na nga. Just do what you're told—keep your mouth shut."

He sighs. "Okay." Bago pa ako makabalik sa puwesto ko, he adds, "Promise."

"Makulit ka, 'no?" I give up. I just trust that he won't tell anyone about what happened a while ago—yung kay Jass, yung sa iniyak ko, all of it.

He chuckles. "Bakit ba ayaw mo ng 'promise'? 'Pag sinabi kong 'promise', promise 'yon. Gagawin ko. Tutuparin ko. Di ako naniniwala sa 'promises are meant to be broken.' Promise nga e, saka ako naman yung gagawa; kontrolado ko 'yon kung matutupad. 'Meant to be broken' niyo mukha niyo."

The way he spoke makes me laugh. Napatigil lang ako dahil masakit sa ulo. Grabe, parang bawal akong tumawa, or bawal akong maging masaya. "Thank y—"

"Sabi ni Gracey binayaran mo daw yung breakfast ko, so 'wag kang mag-thank you," he cuts me off quickly.

I roll my eyes before finally closing them again so I can sleep. "Right."

"Good night, AJ," pahabol niya bago buhayin ang stereo at hayaan akong makatulog in peace.

*

Lalo lang masakit ang mata ko pagkagising. I wake up with Chio patting my knee. Inalis ko sa pagkaka-recline ang shotgun seat at inalis ang jacket niyang, fortunately, ay hindi naman naalis ang pagkakataklob sa mukha ko.

"Sarap tulog, a," he says before snatching his jacket away from me. The creases show when he holds it up in front of him. Shaking his head, he folds it neatly and hands it back to me. I place it on my lap.

I comb through my hair with my fingers. It may have not helped with moving on but having hair this short saves me from worrying about the tangling. "Sorry. Balik ko sa 'yo after malabhan at maplantsa."

"Binalik ko sa 'yo kasi baka di ka makatulog kapag di mo na 'ko naaamoy."

I put my hands down and look at him incredulously. He only laughs before flicking me on my left ear. "Sungit ulit! Pasaherong-pasahero ko na nga, nagsusungit pa."

"I pay for the gas. Kotse ko 'to."

"E yung labor?"

"Chio, I paid for your food," I remind him kahit na pa-joke lang yung sinabi niya. "I would invite you na kumain ulit sa loob but I really want to be alone right now."

A small smile appears on his face. I thought he would come up with a funny remark but he just shrugs. Sumunod siya sa 'kin nang lumabas ako ng sasakyan at inabot sa 'kin ang susi.

I grab my keys and his hand. Umangat ang tingin niya sa 'kin nang hindi ko pakawalan ang kamay niya. "AJ, ha? Kanina labi ko tapos ngayon kamay—"

"Feeling guwapo ka, 'no?" I cut him off and that makes him laugh.

He stops laughing and I follow the movement of his Adam's apple when he swallows after I firm up my hold on his hand to pull him closer to me. "Chio."

He only raises both of his brows. I stare at him with my swollen eyes and hopes that he gets the message because I do not want to open the conversation about it again. Not now.

After a minute of what seemed like a staring competition, he gives up and looks away. I do not let go of his hand until he gives me what I want to hear, "Di mo ako kailangang paalalahanan, AJ. Sinabi ko nang pramis, di ba?"

"Okay."

He tousles my hair as soon as I let his hand go. "Uwi na ako."

"Thank—" I pause when I hear him clicking his tongue. He shakes his head as if to stop me from talking. I purse my lips and nod. "Thank Auntie Mel kasi babalik na yata siya bukas," sabi ko instead of 'thank you', referring to our helper we have had mula noong hindi ko pa memorized ang multiplication table.

Chio flashes me a boyish grin. I'm sure maaga siyang magkakakulubot sa mukha kangingiti niya. "Tama. Thank Auntie Mel. Auntie Mel the best."

"Ingat." I dismiss him with a wave of my hand. He shows me two thumbs up before walking backwards.

He doesn't take his eyes off me until he gets to the corner where he needs to make a turn to exit the block.

*

Right after caging myself in my room, umidlip lang ako, naligo pagkagising, then I text Mommy who is at the hospital to not bother me when she comes home unless she needs something. I review my Spanish notes for a few minutes, then go to sleep. I wake up when Mommy arrives, quickly eat the take-outs na dala-dala niya bago pa niya mapansin na namumugto ang mga mata ko, then go back to my room to sleep again.

I don't bother to check my phone nor talk to anyone. What I need is a recharge and I can get that from sleep, not from people's words—or Chio's lang dahil wala namang ibang nakakaalam.

Words don't help. Or at least, walang certainty. Unlike sleep. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and not be better but at least my body's rested; I am sure to get something good out of it.

*

It is Monday the next morning, and I accidentally sleep through my barrage of alarms. Alas-nueve na nang magising ako, and my first class starts at half past eight kaya wala nang silbi to stress over it.

I bury my head back on my pillow and kick off my blanket. I normally won't let even the strongest cyclone to let me miss my classes, knowing how much Mommy pays for them, but god, today is awful and I haven't even been awake for more than five minutes. My head is still heavy and blinking feels like there's gasoline being poured over my eyeballs.

I lift my head off the pillow and look around my room when I feel like something's different, aside from the feeling that my limbs are going to fall off. My eyes stay on my windows and the closed blinds. Bakit sarado? Mommy always, always tilts the slats open. She wakes up half an hour before me, and she says it's good for me to get some sun pero kahit naman umuulan at walang araw ay pinipihit niya ang blinds.

I slip out of bed with a groan and reach for the tilt wand. God, the sunlight hurts. It hurts my eyes, my skin, and it seems like it reaches the insides of my skull because it feels like my brain is being fried. I jump back to bed immediately and hide beneath my blanket after getting the blinds open. I pull my other pillow over my head and almost cry when several knocks come flying on my door.

I hear the doorknob click. "Juli?"

"Shhh," sita ko kay Mommy. I have never had a horrible hangovers, pero the aftermath after a good cry? Makes me want to take the part of my body that stores feelings and throw them away on the dumpster along with my tear ducts.

So yes, it was hell during the holidays, fresh post-breakup. In a way, Jass literally hurt me kasi I had to nurse one horrible headache after another dahil panay lang ang iyak ko. Quotang-quota na siya, puta.

Pinakiramdaman ni Mommy ang leeg ko. I get a chill down my spine when I feel the coldness of the ring on her finger. "Di ka naman nilalagnat, ano'ng masakit? Papasok ka?" she asks, whispering.

I hear the air conditioner motor slow down before it goes completely silent. Sinilip ko si Mommy at naabutan kong inaayos niya ang picture frame sa bedside table ko pagkatpaos patayin ang aircon. She smiles at me when she catches me looking. "Nasobrahan ka sa tulog?" she asks again, this time with a laugh.

I shake my head before pulling myself up. "Papasok po ako." Seeing her dressed up for work reminds me that my classes are not free and they are far from being cheap. I'm letting a part of her earnings go to waste by skipping class for no good reason. Di naman babayaran ni Jass ang tuition ko.

One of Mommy's brows raise when she hears me sniff. A, fuck. Bigyan na ako ng ubo, 'wag lang ng sipon. It's so uncomfortable.

"Allergy? O sinisipon ka na?"

"I don't know."

She sighs, pocketing her hands and eyeing me from head to toe. I look away when her eyebrows furrow after bringing her gaze up to my face.

I love my mother, but Mommy and I don't talk feelings. At least I don't. Hindi ako sanay. Not that she's intimidating; she's actually such a warm person to the point na had I not known my Dad (whom I obviously got this nasty attitude from), iisipin kong napulot lang niya ako sa labas ng bahay niya tapos inangkin.

She sighs and walks up to my bed, stopping in front of me. "If you need more ti—"

"Papasok po ako mamaya," I say, which is quickly followed with a groan because of the throbbing on my head. I tap Mommy's arms to get her out of my way so I can get clothes. I don't need more time to cry. The way my body is built tells me that it's stupid to cry over stupid things. What I need is something that does not make me cry. Classes don't make me cry

"But if you need to rest an—"

"'My . . ." I hold up a finger to make her stop from talking. She sighs again and makes her way to the door.

"Kumain ka then take your meds," she says. I nod. I can buy breakfast before going to campus. "May breakfast sa baba."

Nilingon ko si Mommy. Meron? How early did she wake up today?

She smiles at me before pulling the door close on her way. I am in the middle of pulling my sweater over my head when I hear the door open again. "Nasa baba ang Auntie Mel mo. Kumain ka muna at 'wag mo siyang pahirapan."

Sarado na ang pinto pagkatanggal ko ng damit ko kaya hindi ko na natanong si Mommy. I immediately put my sweater back on and run downstairs. Auntie Mel is back! Finally. Auntie Mel means breakfast every day. Real food. I love Mommy and I understand that her schedule does not really permit her to cook breakfast for her very much capable adult daughter who is too lazy to cook, but next to her, I love breakfasts. At least if my day gets fucked up by the time I'm at campus, busog ako.

I walk over to where Auntie Mel is and tap my fingers on the kitchen counter. Tumigil si Auntie Mel sa pag-aalis ng laman ng bag galing sa supermarket at nilingon ako. The wrinkles around her eyes become more prominent when she smiles. She just nods at me and greets me good morning, which I say back.

Having stayed with me since second grade, she knows I don't do hugs. I don't gush over having people back. She's a decade older than Mommy, but she's the closest Mommy has to a best friend, I think. Whenever Mommy had the urge to throw herself at Dad and beg, Auntie Mel picked her up and pulled her out of it. When I had an angry young teenager phase, sa kaniya umiiyak si Mommy. And when Mommy finally decides to venture into romance again with Tito Luis, siya ang unang nakaalam.

I know Mommy loves me but I don't think I'm emotionally capable enough to support her through those things, most especially those that happened when I was way younger. Auntie Mel's there. She holds Mommy's pillars whenever they threaten to fall, essentially protecting me and if the worst were to happen, she cushions the blow. I love her cooking. She's nice to me, never nags me about anything, never crosses any lines. But the best thing Auntie Mel had done for me is having Mommy's back. She's more family than Dad will ever be.

"Uminom ka raw ng gamot mo sabi ni Dok," she says. She takes off her glasses and wipes them by the neckline of her pink and floral shirt. I wear everything she owns is floral. "Parang kinagat ng ipis 'yang mata mo," she adds before getting back to what she's doing. I snicker. Auntie Mel also knows that I don't talk feelings. I don't do feelings. I can't.

Kaya putang ina ang suwerte ni Jass sa 'kin na naisahan niya ako. Kainis.

Sumunod ako sa inutos ni Mommy na kumain at uminom ng gamot. I help Auntie Mel sa kitchen for a while then apply a cool compress over my eyes after taking a bath. My whole face feels swollen dahil tumuloy nga yata ang pinakaayaw kong sipon. Paano ako sasabihan ni Jass na mag-move on when this is still happening to me? Kukunin niya ba 'tong sakit ng ulo, mugtong mata, at sipon ko?

I arrive just in time for my second class. Dahil maagang dumating ang prof ay hindi ko na napansin na pinanonood ako ni Sab buong period at hindi maipinta ang mukha ni Eri mula nang pumasok ako. I only find out about it when lunch time came.

Kahit hindi ako gutom, no choice ako kundi kumain dahil iinom akong gamot. Since Jass quickly leaves the room and I don't think he plans on having Gracey and I on the same table after what happened yesterday, I shove my binder to my bag and invite my friends to grab lunch. "Sa'n kayo magla-lunch?" I ask no one in particular, expecting at least one of them to respond.

Napakurap-kurap ako nang walang umimik. I look at Sab and she just shakes her head. Napatigil siya sa pag-iling nang bigla siyang tawagin ni Eri. Sinundan ko sila ng tingin dahil parang nagmamadaling umalis si Eri.

I look at Chio for answers. He just scratches the back of his head before standing up. He smiles at me. "Tara na. Tayo na lang ulit."

"Why?" I ask. "Galit si Eri? Sa 'yo? Sa 'kin?"

Chio doesn't answer my question. He sucks in his teeth and just shrugs before holding my wrist to pull me out of the room. "Sa'n tayo pupunta?" I ask.

"Kakain."

I look at the opposite direction. Tanaw ko pa rin sina Sab na naglalakad sa hallways. I pull Chio and force him to turn on his heels. I'm finally having my friends without Jass or Gracey around, so no. "May utang pa ako kay Eri na milktea."

Chio sighs. Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniya nang kada five steps ata ay bumubuntonghininga siya. I pull my hand off his hold and catch up to our friends. I feel Sab's shoulder tense up beneath my palm when I try to slip in the small space between her and Eri.

"Saan kayo kakain?" I ask Eri. She continues walking, eyes looking straight ahead like she didn't hear anything. I shift my gaze to Sab. "Saan?"

When I still don't get a response, I try to link arms with Eri but a sting registers on my arm when she forcibly pulls herself out of my hold. "Bakit ka ba sama nang sama? E ayaw mo naman sa 'min?"

My brows furrow. Sab calls out to her, probably to calm her down but Eri just glares at her and that effectively shuts her up. Parang lumala ang hapdi sa braso ko nang ibalik sa 'kin ni Eri ang tingin niya. She glances at Chio who hides himself by leaning on the pillar next to a nearby classroom and looking the opposite way.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask when I catch Eri rolling her eyes at Chio.

"Ayaw ka naming kasabay."

"What?"

"Bakit di ka makaintindi? Ikaw pinakamatalino sa 'tin di ba?"

Oh, that's enough. My head is still aching. I love Eri but it's not fair that she's bitching out for no good reason. What could I have possible done to her? Ni hindi ako pumasok kaninang umaga. "Ano'ng problema mo sa 'kin?"

"AJ."

"Shut up," I snap at Chio. I normally don't let people punch me down whenever they wanted; hindi ako punching bag. If you have a problem at me, you tell me. If your problem has nothing to do with me at sa 'kin mo ibinubunton, ibabalik ko 'yun sa 'yo. Bakit ko sasaluhin 'yan e di ko naman 'yan problema?

"So 'pag magkaaway kayo, sasama kayo sa 'min?"

"Ano'ng sinasabi mo?" tanong ko kay Eri. Sab has to pull Eri out of the way and to the opposite side of the hall as if we're going to have a catfight. I don't do catfights. "Hindi kami magkaaway ni Chio."

Eri scoffs. "E di kayo ni Gracey!" The mere mention of her name freezes me up for a second. "Kapag kasama si Gracey, ayaw niyo laging sumama. Tapos aalis kayo nang walang paalam. Ano ba kayong dalawa? Ang babastos—nag-iwan lang ng pera kay Gracey tapos tumakbo na. Pinag-awayan pa kayo n'ung dalawa kasi kapag sinasabi ni Gracey na di niya gusto yung ginagawa niyo sa kaniya, pilit kayong pinagtatanggol ni Jass!"

"How the fuck was that my fault?" If nagrereklamo si Gracey na, apparently, kinakampihan pala kami ni Jass, paano ko naging kasalanan 'yun? That's Jass' fault for not knowing how to console his girlfriend! And maybe his karma kasi putang inang sinungaling siya at panay ang tago niya sa 'min kahit tapos na naman kami.

"And alam mo naman na palang ayaw ko kay Gracey, bakit pinipilit mong i-include? Tayo lang naman yung friends! Tapos ano, magagalit ka? Ikaw lagi masusunod, Eri? 'Pag di ka napagbibigyan, magagalit ka? Kailangan pagbigyan lagi ang gusto mo? In case you're forgetting, I am not your brother. I don't have to give you everything you want."

Eri doesn't answer. Her shoulders tense up and seeing her chew on her lower lip as her eyes start to water feels knocks some sense into my head. Before I can take back some of the words I said, nakapag-walk out na siya. Sab lets out a long sigh, then shakes her head at me disapprovingly before following Eri.

I sigh and massage my temples. Chio walks over to me. I raise a finger to stop him from speaking. "Magso-sorry ako, okay?" I say bago niya pa ako mautusan at mawalan ako ng ganang gawin. He nods.

I cross my arms and hiss when something stings. Nang sipatin ko ang braso ko ay napansin kong may kalmot ni Eri doon. Probably from her pulling away from me a while ago. "But not because it's my fault. I'm saying sorry kasi I went overboard and hurt her feelings," I clarify.

Chio only sighs. He points at my fresh wound. There's blood, pero mabilis mag-clot ang dugo ko and the scratch is not that long so it's not really a big deal. "Masakit?"

"Not really," sabi ko. I ignore it. The more I focus on it, baka biglang isipin ng utak ko na kailangan kong makaramdam ng sakit. That's how it works sometimes, at least for me. "Saan tayo pupunta?" I ask.

I snap my fingers on his face when I catch him still looking at my arm like I need a surgeon to fix it immediately. "Bili akong pagkain. Ikaw ba?"

"Tinatamad na ako," sagot ko. Naningkit ang mga mata ko nang makita ang tirik na tirik na sinag ng araw na tumatama sa grounds. My appetite vanishes when I see the long line at the kiosk at the side of the building. Haba na nga ng pila, wala pang masisilungan. I shake my head at Chio. "Akyat na ako sa room."

"Sure ka?"

I nod and then turn my back at him so he won't ask me more questions. Things got a bit heated earlier with Eri and it ruined my appetite. Kabe-break lang namin ni Jass (by my standards), katatapos lang ng misunderstanding namin ni Chio, and now I have to deal with Eri. Checklist ba 'to? Kailangan ko rin bang magka-problem with Sab? Shall I brace myself for that?

I take my seat when I arrive back at the room. I enjoy the short silence I have before Chio comes in. Umupo siya sa tabi ko pagbalik niya, bitbit ang burger na may kagat na.

"Ouch!" I pull my arm back when I feel something damp touching my fresh wound. Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Chio na may hawak nang wet wipes. Kita ko ang streak ng dugo roon. I snatch it from him and wipe my wound myself. "Parang tanga 'to e."

He chuckles. "Bakit kasi di mo man lang punasan? Saka akala ko ba di masakit?"

"Di naman talaga masakit, nagulat lang ako." Hindi naman talaga. Mahapdi, but not much.

"'Pag nagugulat ka, ouch ang sinasabi mo?"

"Shut up and eat your burger," I say and glare at him again. He makes a face before taking a bite of his sandwich. Bumaba ang tingin ko roon. Ang lakas ng amoy, lalo na't airconditioned ang room. Sinisipon ako pero naaamoy ko.

I look away before maisipan ng gana kong kumain na bumalik. Ang init sa baba. I'm not coming downstairs to buy food.

"Di kasi nagpabili," rinig kong bubulong-bulong na sabi ni Chio kaya napalingon ako sa kaniya. The idiot even took a small bite as if he's shooting an advertisement for burgers when he catches me looking.

"Hindi mo ako binili," balik ko sa sinabi niya. I cross my arms and glare at him and his stupid burger na hindi naman siguro masarap. "Parang di ka babayaran e. After kitang ilibre nang ilang beses?"

His mouth hangs open in disbelief. "Tinanong ka kasi kanina—"

"Bakit hindi ka na lang nagkusa?"

His left hand flies to his chest as he laughs. "Wow. Paano ba ako mananalo sa 'yo?"

"Iinom akong gamot." I sniff for an added effect. "Sinisipon ako kaya di ako pumasok kanina."

His laughter fades. He scowls at me before giving me his burger, obviously napilitan lang based on the way he almost thrusted it to my chest. "O, e ano pa ngang gagawin? E di talo na, 'tang ina e."

"Bakit di mo na lang kasi ako binili?" I ask again. I look down at his half-eaten burger and scrunch my nose at the bite marks. "Mauubos mo na. And may laway," I say and hand it back to him.

He stares at me flatly, bago niya pinilas yung part na may kagat niya. "Nareklamuhan pa nga," he says before giving it back to me. "Naiwan ko kasi wallet ko. Pamasahe ko lang sa bulsa pinambili ko diyan e." His chair moves back a bit when he stands up, wallet on hand. "Bibili pa nga ako. Buwisit ka e."

I laugh before shooing him away. Ubos ko na ang kalahating burger niya at nakainom na ng gamot nang bumalik siya. He's frowning but places one burger on my armdesk. I am so not paying. Hindi ko na kinuha ang sukli ko noong iniwan namin si Gracey sa restaurant, at malaki-laki 'yun kasi wala akong barya.

"J."

"What?" I ask as I lean back and peel the wrapper off my burger.

"Yung kay Eri—"

I shush him. I look at him and my eyebrows meet when I see the way he's looking at me. It's normal for friends to fight. And I understand where Eri is coming from, so her words don't really mean much. Actually, her words don't mean anything. It's her actions that are pissing me off, but that's fine. "I'm okay. I don't do feelings. Stop looking at me like I'm going to cry."

He pouts. "Why not? E puwede naman?"

"No." I roll my eyes. He only has a few chances to see me have a meltdown in this lifetime. And he's not seeing me cry on two consecutive days.

"Sure?"

"Seriously, stop asking," I say. He gives me the silence I am asking for, but his hand reaches for the back of my head and I feel him tousle my hair.

*

Hindi kami nag-usap ni Eri buong araw. Sab talked to me but she didn't bring up what happened earlier in lunch. I saw Chio running after Sab and Eri right after dismissal. Baka magso-sorry—di matitiis na hindi siya pinapansin. Papansin siya kaya nanghihina siya.

My phone pings while I'm reviewing my Spanish notes. I watch as my notification screen floods with messages, but they're not all from Chio. Galing kay Eri na sa group chat namin niya sine-send. I see Jass' name, then Sab's. I don't bothering opening my phone dahil awkward kapag nagka-Seen mark after what happened earlier.

Whatever it is they're talking about must be something interesting dahil hindi talaga tumitigil yung message chain. Baka may plano ulit since I catch a glimpse of Gracey's name from Eri's chat. Valentine's coming, so it's not surprising. I just hope none of them includes me in any plans that involves holding balloons, flowers, or stupid-looking bears.

I sigh before picking my phone up and unlocking it. Pagkapindot na pagkapindot ko sa group chat namin ay saktong may bagong message si Eri, g ba kayooo @Jass @Sab @Chio?????

The fuck? Bakit ako lang ang di kasali? What happened to Chio and I becoming a de facto package? Bati na sila?

I exit the application and put my phone down again. Ang unfair. I get that she's mad at me, but it's annoying that Jass does not have to deal with any of this. I have taken enough hits when we were together, hanggang ngayon ba namang break kami, sa 'kin pa rin ang putok ng bola? It's so wrong.

I ignore the messages and the feeling so bitter I can taste it in my mouth. After a few more times of scanning through my notes, I eventually give in and pick up my phone again.

Jass is not stealing my friends. He already got too much from me. He can't take them all away.

I am taking his best friend. I open the messaging app and tap on Chio's name, na pangalawa lang sa chat history dahil wala naman akong kausap.

Amery Julianne Barrameda: Auntie Mel is back.

It doesn't take him long to message back, So ano? HAHAHAHAHA

Another message bubble comes in, Ay wait. Gusto mo bang umiyak??

My forehead creases. I take a long while, staring at my phone and trying to understand his message rather than just asking him. Kapag tinanong ko siya, baka lalo lang akong maguluhan.

My frown deepens when I figure out what he meant by his message. He thinks I'm inviting him over so I can cry?

I reply, I'm telling you there's free food.

He just reads the message and doesn't bother to reply. I organize my notes and clean up my table while waiting. I look at my phone after twenty minutes at wala pa ring reply.

I purse my lips and keep my phone on my drawer where I won't see it. I lie down on my bed and watch the numbers on my digital clock change.

I smack the pillow beside me, imagining it's a face, when I realize that I am waiting.

I wait, and wait, and wait, before getting up and reaching for the drawer handle to get my phone back. Nang makitang wala pa ring reply ang message ko ay tinaob ko 'yun sa tabi ko.

I take a deep breath. Fine. Whatever. Doon siya sa best friend niya sumama. I will just find things to do.

I get out of bed and go to the living room, passing by Auntie Mel who asks me if I want to eat dinner already. Tumanggi ako dahil wala akong gana. Wala akong gana e kailangan kong uminom ng gamot mamaya. Patay ako kay Mommy pag-uwi niya, pero mamaya pa naman siya uuwi, so I'll worry about that later.

I sit on the couch and switch through the channels. Bati na sila ni Eri, and he probably doesn't want to risk having Eri mad at him again for something na nadamay lang naman siya, kaya he's ignoring me.

So what? I'm an only child. I don't get lonely. I don't feel bad about being by myself. Most of the time, it's even better that way. I don't have to share toys. I don't have to talk. I don't have to worry about how others are feeling nor what they are thinking. I call all the shots. There's zero drama. No crying. No scratching on the arm.

I volunteer to get the door when I hear the buzzer dahil akala ko maaga ang uwi ni Mommy. My frown comes back when instead of Mommy, I see Chio looking through the gaps between the gate grills with a huge smile on his face. He waves hello with his left hand, the other one occupied with carrying a brown paper bag.

I sigh and walk over to where he is but don't open the gates for him just yet. "Ano'ng laman niyan?" I ask, pertaining to the bag he's hugging.

He pulls out a small ice cream tub, "Tatlo. Kay Auntie Mel yung isa, tapos tig-isa tayo."

I narrow my eyes at him but discreetly reach for the locks. "What for?"

"Kinakain ni Chai kapag may namamatay na kung sino sa mga pinapanood niya, pagkatapos umiyak or during."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "And? What for? Di ako namatayan. And I don't watch those."

He sighs then puts the tub back inside. He crouches so our eyes would level. His tongue pokes his right cheek, as if he's thinking, and he goes silent for a few seconds before taking another deep breath. "Kulang pa kasi yung burger na pambayad sa almusal ko kahapon."

I scoff. His smile doesn't falter.

I hate that he always knows the right things to say.

I open the gates and snatch the bag from him. "You idiot, come in."

He laughs, then pulls the gates close for me before following me inside the house. Kumuha siya ng isang tub ng ice cream bago puntahan ang kuwarto ni Auntie Mel na malapit sa kitchen para ibigay 'yun. When he comes back, he already has two spoons in hand. He sits beside me on the couch and gets the remote control as if the house is his just because he brought me ice cream.

"You got me my favorite." Chocolate chip cookie dough. I'll dig in kahit na sinisipon ako.

The other one is just plain chocolate. Kinuha niya 'yun bago humiga sa couch at halos masipa ako paalis ng legs niya. Wala talagang reserba ng hiya 'to.

"Opkors," aniya. I push his feet away when he puts it on my lap. He laughs and just folds his legs so he'll fit.

I scrunch my nose at him. "Thanks." Sumandal ako nang ayos and let him choose what he wants to watch because I couldn't care less.

Napatayo ako agad nang mapag-trip-an niyang mag-drawing ng straight line sa braso ko gamit ang putang inang daliri niya sa paa. Yuck!

I hit his knee multiple times before sitting again on the couch. Parang tanga e. "Sinabihan nang 'wag kasing magte-thank you."

"Tinuruan ako ng common courtesy."

A shriek crawls out of my throat when his toes touch my arms again. Tawang-tawa ang gago dahil napalabas si Auntie Mel ng kuwarto at napatanong kung okay lang kami. "'Wag na nga kasi! Weird nga."

Not wanting to have his toes crawl on my arm again, nor worry Auntie Mel na nagpapahinga nasa kuwarto, sa one-seater na lang ako umupo. I rub my arms a couple of times para mawala yung kilabot. Kadiri talaga 'tong si Chio. "Ano'ng weird do'n?"

Instead of answering, he takes a spoonful of his chocolate ice cream. He shuts me up when I bring the question up again.

Ewan ko sa kaniya. Siya ang weird.  

# # # No schedule yet for next updates; sa 2023 na. I need to rest and regroup. 

See you next year! (: 

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