121022 #BYLAMwp Chapter 4

I didn't bother correcting Chio sa alam niyang crush ko si Jass. But ever since noong naging okay kami, I can tell that he's doing everything to shield me from Jass. Minsan nga parang too much na, and I'm surprised that the two girls haven't caught a whiff of what's really happening.

It started with him switching seats with me so I don't have to look at the back of Jass' head during class, then to him making sure I don't sit across or beside Jass in the library or in the canteen, or to making sure he pulls Jass away after dismissal so I won't have to walk with him to the parking lot kapag dala nito ang sasakyan.

I bet Chio thinks he's being discreet, but it's hard not to see the patterns kapag three weeks straight na niyang ginagawa. And he's not really doing a good job at being discreet kung kulang na lang ay hilahin niya si Eri at itali sa tabi ko tuwing lunch para hindi ko makatabi si Jass. Hindi yata niya naiisip na Jass is doing his own efforts not to be near me.

I am checking my wallet when I hear Chio sending our friends away, "Una na kayo. May pupuntahan kami." By kami, alam kong kaming dalawa ang tinutukoy niya dahil kaming dalawa na lang naman ang nakaupo. Hindi ko lang alam kung anong pupuntahan ang sinasabi niya.

"Sa'n kayo pupunta?" Sab asks, waiting by the doorway with Eri. Chio follows me to the door the moment I stood up. Before I can take another step to the left hallway, he stops me by grabbing my arm. Saan ba kami pupunta?

"Diyan lang," sagot niyang hindi nakatulong. "Si Jass? Umuna na?"

"Sa canteen na lang daw siya hintayin e," Sab says. She glances at me, then wiggles her brows for a reason I do not get, before clapping Chio's shoulder hard. I wince at the same time Chio yelps, possibly in pain. Ang gaan ng kamay ni Sabrina.

"Kain na kami," she adds. Eri holds onto her arm and waves at the both of us as they walk away.

As soon as the girls are out of earshot, I ask Chio, "Saan tayo pupunta?"

He lets go of my arm and nurses his shoulder while cursing Sab. Hindi ko napigilan ang matawa sa hitsura niya. Bugbog na bugbog silang dalawa ni Jass pagdating kay Sab kahit hindi naman sinasadya n'ung isa.

He points to the right hallway with his mouth, still tapping on and rotating his shoulder. "Lakad."

"To?"

"Sa labas tayo kakain," sagot niya kaya napatingala ako sa kaniya. Since when did he decide that at kailan pa ako pumayag?

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa 'kin nang maramdaman sigurong hindi ko inaalis ang mga mata ko sa kaniya. "Kaya wala si Jass kasi susunduin niya si Gracey sa building niya. Isasabay nila si Gracey mag-lunch."

Oh.

I . . . I don't know what to say. I haven't seen Gracey since Jass' birthday; I haven't apologized for what happened. Mukhang nakaramdam din naman si Jass kaya hindi rin niya masyadong bini-bring up si Gracey kapag magkakasama kami. Hindi lang talaga maiiwasan dahil kay Eri na palatanong.

"I'm okay with eating with them," I tell Chio after thinking hard about it while walking to the front gates. As long as I keep my mouth shut and Gracey doesn't strike a conversation with me, I'll be fine. I can tune them out. Kung kaya ko nga si Chio na napakadaldal, siya pa kaya? I just need another month, or maybe two, before I can actually try being nice to her.

Tumigil si Chio sa paglalakad. Mukhang nag-isip-isip siya. But he eventually just shrugged, then passed by the guards. Sumunod ako dahil hindi naman ako babalik sa canteen nang mag-isa lang.

"Sa labas na," he says when I catch up with him. "Para libre mo 'ko."

"Seriously?"

He chuckles. He fishes his bandana handkerchief from the back pocket of his jeans, unfolds it, and places it on the top of my head as if that's enough to shield me from the burning midday sunlight. I prepare my wallet pagdating namin sa malapit na kainan. Chio has already mentioned before that his aunt owns the place, pero never naman siyang libre dito sa iilang beses na dito kami kumain back in freshman year.

Pinili ko ang table na pinakamalayo sa araw at pinakamalapit sa wall fan, while Chio walks straight to the table where the food containers are. Tirik na tirik ang araw at medyo malagkit sa balat ang hangin. Medyo malamig naman sa loob, but the short walk made me sweat already.

I take Chio's handkerchief off my head and fold it neatly. Lumapit ako sa kaniya para ibalik 'yun. He lifts his eyes off the food trays and points at my forehead.

"Ipunas mo d'an sa noo mo. Mukha kang f-in-loor wax-an; kintab 'yan?" he says, ignoring his handkerchief. Nahampas ko tuloy siya ng panyo niya. He laughs, brushing his hand over the spot that I hit.

Nagtingin-tingin na ako ng kakainin ko habang tinutuyo ang noo at leeg ko. Narinig ko naman si Chio na may sinitsitan. "Ito, ito, saka ito," Chio tells his cousin, whose name I never remember and who unsurprisingly looks like he doesn't want to see him today.

Chio nudges me. "Ikaw magbabayad, di ba?"

"Oo na nga." I click my tongue. I don't really mind, especially when I think about the number of times Chio offers to drive me home. Napapamahal siya ng pamasahe kapag dumadaan pa siya sa amin kaysa umuwi nang deretso sa kanila.

His cousin, who seems like he only went here to get lunch for himself dahil kita ko ang ID lace na nakadantay sa sandalan ng upuan sa bukana, looks at me and waits for my order. I point at the huge container of beef tadtarin and he merely nods. He doesn't look like Chio, at mukhang hindi rin naman sila magkaugali base sa hindi niya pagngiti kahit isang beses. I just had this assumption before na everyone in Chio's family is like him. I can't imagine how loud it would be to have a dozen Chios in a single room.

"Samahan mo ng ano," pahabol ni Chio bago pa pumasok ang pinsan niya sa looban para kumuha ng panukli sa 500 ko. Wow, magpapadagdag pa yata ng softdrinks 'tong nilibre ko.

Chio's cousin raises a brow and waits for him to continue. When Chio doesn't, he asks, "Ng ano?"

"Samahan mo ng bilis," Chio adds, laughing hard after. He runs back to our table when his cousin grabs a pair of tongs na mukhang balak niyang ihampas sa ulo ni Chio.

Pagbalik ko sa table namin ay nakangiti pa rin si Chio sa sariling kalokohan. Hindi talaga siya nauubusan ng energy. Parang lagi siyang fully charged at hindi mapapakali kung hindi niya babawasan nang slight ang karga niya kaya lagi siyang nakatawa.

Chio gets the food and my change nang tawagin siya. We eat, surprisingly, in silence. Nabawas-bawasan din yata ang energy niya dahil sa init. Pagkatapos naming kumain, hinintay ko lang siyang ubusin yung isang pitsel ng malamig na tubig tapos umalis na kami. He holds my small folding umbrella over our heads, trying to fit the both of us under its shade. Itinalukbong ko ulit sa ulo ko ang panyo niya.

On our way back, we catch sight of our friends. Nauuna silang maglakad kaya hindi nila kami napapansin. Eri and Gracey are standing in between Sab and Jass, talking about something that makes Gracey laugh. I sigh and avert my gaze when I see Chio lowering his eyes to me from my peripheral.

He nudges me. I give him a brief glance. Shaking my head, I assure him, "I'm fine."

I know Eri. She's nice. It's expected that she would get along with Gracey. Saka, hindi nga kampihan ang habol ko rito. And most importantly, I'm not out here to get Gracey or keep my friends to myself.

I roll my eyes when Chio pulls me out of the covered sidewalk. We make a turn to the left as if naman hindi ako makakalakad nang ayos kapag nasa harap ko sina Jass at Gracey. I sigh and just let him have his way. Mas mapapahaba ang lakad namin, at sa initan pa, but I know he just did that because he cares.

I laugh while he struggles to collapse the handle of my umbrella pagdating namin sa building. Sobrang nanlalaban kasi ang handle n'un at parang ayaw magpasara, kaya minsan tinatamad akong ilabas at gamitin gaya na lang kanina. Grabe ang buntonghininga niya pagkatapos matupi 'yun nang ayos.

"'Tang inang payong 'to. Pang-bodybuilder yata 'to e," he says before handing it back to me. Binalik ko 'yun sa handbag ko kasama ang panyo niyang katutupi ko lang ulit. I will return it to him next week; di ko na puwedeng ibalik sa kaniya ngayon dahil napawisan na.

"Chio."

"O?" he asks, eyes on where we're walking while his shirt billows as he pulls on its neckline repeatedly. His thick eyebrows furrow in what seems like annoyance because of the afternoon heat.

"Thank you."

Napatigil rin ako sa paglalakad nang bigla siyang tumigil at lumingon sa 'kin. Galing sa pinapaypay niyang neckline ng t-shirt niya ay lumipat sa buong mukha ko ang malaking kamay niya. I hit his arm with the back of my hand after niyang itulak ang buong mukha ko. The fuck.

Tinawanan lang niya ako. "Sira. Nilibre mo 'kong lunch, 'wag kang mag-thank you." He pulls open the door to the classroom and lets me in first.

"Ang weird sa feeling e," he adds after taking his seat beside me. Tatanungin ko sana siya ano'ng weird doon pero nakaamba na ulit ang kamay niyang itulak ang mukha ko kaya sinamaan ko na lang siya ng tingin at hindi na tinanong ulit.

*

Chio is committed to his mission na hindi talaga pagsamahin ako, si Jass, at si Gracey sa iisang space. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, every time he's not with me, sumasagap siya ng balita kina Eri at Jass kung makakasama namin si Gracey within the day. Kapag alam na niya, siya na ang gumagawa ng excuse para maitakas ako in exchange for whatever he wants me to buy.

Now the month is ending at hindi ko na ulit nakausap si Gracey mula noong birthday ni Jass. Natatanaw ko siya madalas, which is inevitable because Eri seems to be getting along with her well, but I have never had her stand near me.

Ngayong free time, lumipat si Chio sa upuan ni Jass na walang nakaupo dahil kanina pa lumabas yung may-ari nang lumagpas ang twenty minutes ay wala pa rin si Engineer. I have a feeling na sumasagap na naman si Chio kay Eri kaya niya tinabihan, both for my sake kasi iniiwas niya ako, and his dahil tsismoso siya at hindi niya rin kayang hindi maging updated.

Napairap na lang ako nang maipit niya ulit ang eyelid niya sa curler ni Eri. I pull my chair closer to where he's sitting and snatched the eyelash curler na kinuha niya nang basta sa makeup pouch ni Eri kanina habang dinadaldal niya 'to. Kadali-daling gamitin, di niya makuha. Limang beses na ata siyang napapapitlag dahil naiipit ang sarili.

He checks his eyelashes using Eri's hand mirror after I was done curling. Nag-beautiful eyes pa ang five-year-old sa 'kin bago i-ransack ulit ang make-up bag ni Eri para sa bagong paglalaruan. Binalik ko sa pouch ang curler. I want to rip Chio's long lashes off and attach them to mine. Life's really unfair.

"Ri," tawag niya kay Eri na busy sa phone niya habang nasa hita ang phone ni Sab na ninanakawan niya ng Internet data.

The owner of the phone where the data charges are being billed to doesn't seem to care dahil nakaidlip na 'to sa arm chair niya kanina pa. I'm careful na hindi masaling si Sab dahil baka maputol ang idlip niya at ma-bad mood. Even Chio's keeping his voice down dahil alam namin pare-pareho ang possibility na puyat si Sab kagabi. And if we ruin her sleep when she most needs it, 'kagulo.

"Mm?" Eri responds, eyes still on her phone.

"Alin puwedeng gamitin dito?" tukoy ni Chio sa mga abubot ni Eri sa makeup pouch. With a glare, Eri snatches her make-up brush from Chio's hold and returns it to its pouch. Binawi niya ang makeup bag niya despite Chio's protests.

"Tigilan mo na nga," sita ni Eri sa kaniya.

Chio frowns. He turns to me and points at his curled lashes. Inirapan ko muna siya para malaman niyang labag sa loob kong kuhain ang mascara sa bag ko.

Pinitik ko ang kamay niya nang subukan niyang kuhain sa 'kin 'yun. I instructed him to sit still at ako na ang naglagay dahil baka masayang lang niya.

"Punta tayo here," Eri says.

"Saan?" Chio asks, unable to turn his head dahil inaasikaso ko ang mga pilikmata niyang trip niya ngayon. Hindi talaga siya puwedeng ma-bore. Hindi siya puwedeng walang ginagawa, walang kinakalikot. Magkakasakit yata siya kapag pumirmi at tumahimik siya for more than five minutes.

"May reco si Gracey na al fresco dining. Punta tayo bukas!"

I purse my lips when I felt Chio lowering his gaze to me from the ceiling. Heto na naman kami. Nakailang kurap siya pagkatapos kong lagyan ng mascara ang lashes niya.

"Di ako puwede bukas e," he says, lying through his teeth.

Eri makes a disappointed noise. She turns her head to me. "Ikaw, Ju?"

"May pasok 'yan bukas do'n sa center," Chio answers for me.

I mentally cup my forehead.

Nanliliit ang mga mata ni Eri nang lingunin siya nito. "Wala kaya siyang class kapag Saturday." Eri crosses her arms over her chest. I discreetly let out a sigh after putting my mascara back inside my bag. Naubos na yata ang excuses ni Chio kaya nagkamali na siya.

"Mamaya siya may pasok kasi Friday," Eri point out then pouts. Nang ilipat niya ang tingin sa 'kin ay mas malalim ang simangot niya. Inismiran niya ako bago i-tap nang paulit-ulit ang braso ni Sab para gisingin 'to. Siya lang yata ang kayang gawin 'yun nang walang takot. Mukhang wala naman siyang kinatatakutan most of the time dahil clueless siya sa mga pinaggagagawa niya.

"Ano?" Sab asks, still groggy. The tight crease on her forehead loosens up upon realizing na si Eri ang gumising sa kaniya. Kung si Chio 'yun, for sure may mabubukulan.

"Alis tayo bukas," aya ni Eri sa kaniya.

Sab only shows a thumbs up bago bumalik sa pagkakasubsob sa armchair para ituloy ang tulog. I sigh again when Eri deliberately avoids my gaze bago siya umayos ng pagkakaupo.

Hay nako, Chio kasi. Bunso pa naman si Eri sa pamilya nila at bunso rin sa 'min. Having four older brothers who spoil her to death, she's so not used to not getting things her way.

Kinalabit siya ni Chio sa braso. "Sorry na."

"'Wag ka nang sumama," Eri replies, hugging her arms. Still pouting, she glances at me. "Kayo na lang lagi ang magkasama. Inaagaw mo na si Ju. Kayo na lang ang friends?"

I massage my temples. Sabagay, kung isang buwan ba namang laging naka-dodge 'tong si Chio sa lahat ng ganap na makakasama si Gracey, mahahalata talaga kami.

"Sorry na nga e." Chio scratches the back of his head. Kinalabit niya ulit si Eri na umiwas na ng tingin. "Huy."

He gets snubbed. Ako na ang tumapik sa balikat ni Eri. Lumingon naman siya. "I'll go," I say para matapos na lang ang usapan. Just like how I predicted, her eyes light up. Simple lang namang intindihin si Eri; she's like Chio in a way. Ibigay lang ang gusto, okay na ulit.

Nakataas pa rin ang kilay niya kay Chio nang lingunin niya 'to. "Di ka free, di ba? Kami na lang. Di ka na kasama."

There's a look of betrayal in Chio's face when he turned to me for help. Aba. Kasalanan niya 'yan e. Gagawa kasi ng excuse, mali pa.

Alam kong hindi matatahimik si Chio kapag hindi siya kasama, at alam kong kukulitin niya ako about this, so I tell Eri, "Isasabay ko na lang si Chio papunta. Di naman tayo kakasya sa sasakyan." Whether kay Jass or kay Sab yung gagamitin. Naging okay din naman yung dalawa before the day ends. I'm not sure whether I'm okay with it or not, but I decided that I'll just worry about it the next day.

*

Maagang pumunta si Chio sa bahay kinabukasan. So early to the point na pagbabang-pagbaba ko pagkagising, nagliligpit na siya ng kinainan niya sa kitchen sink namin. I stare at him for a good minute because I thought I was imagining things. Pero nang lingunin niya ako at wisikan ng tubig galing sa kamay niyang katatapos lang magligpit ay natauhan akong totoo nga siya.

Goodness. Ang aga. At naunahan niya pa akong mag-almusal. Siya pa ang sinabayan ni Mommy, na sigurado akong abalá right now sa mga halaman niya sa likod ng bahay. Dalawang plato yung tinaob niya sa rack. As if siya ang anak. Kapal talaga ng mukha nito. I only have breakfast with Mommy during weekends, naagaw pa.

"Ang aga mo." I grab my mug and prepare myself some coffee. Chio leans on the kitchen counter and watches me walk around. I feel not a drop of discomfort kahit na literal na kagigising ko lang. I trust my thick and large sweater to cover what needs to be covered. May tiwala rin naman ako kay Chio kahit gaganiyan-ganiyan siya, so I am not really worried that he sees me in my sleeping shorts.

"E maaga kayang magkikita sabi ni Eri," he replies, taking the seat in front of me when I go to the dining table. "Maligo ka na."

"Magkakape lang ako, excited ka?" sabi ko na tinawanan lang niya. Taas agad ng energy in the morning. "Pinakain ka ni Mommy?" I ask kahit alam ko na ang sagot. He nods, tapping his fingers on the glass top of the wooden dining table.

I narrow my eyes at him when he props his elbow on the table, rests his chin on his free hand, and gives me a smile that somehow makes me feel uneasy. "What?"

"Sure ka bang pupunta tayo?"

I nod. Hindi naman puwedeng magtuloy-tuloy na laging ganito ang set-up namin. 'Pag kasama ni Jass si Gracey, aalis ako, tapos sasama si Chio. It has been going on for a month already, at hindi pa rin ako nakakapag-sorry kay Gracey. And I am sort of worried na baka sa susunod, kumapal yung divide na nangyayari. I don't want that. "I can handle it."

He makes a sound na parang hindi siya naniniwala. "Di ko akalaing ganiyan ka magka-crush. Nabo-brokenhearted?"

I stare at him flatly. Hindi naman tumalab. He even wiggles his brows instead of shutting up and being scared that I will throw him out of our house. "Akala ko ikaw yung hindi nagkakagusto e . . . . Yung tatandang dalaga, ganun."

"That doesn't sound bad." Lalo na kung puro Jass lang naman ang mami-meet ko in this lifetime, growing old and dying alone sounds better. Don't have to worry about anything but myself, Mommy, and Tito Luis.

He laughs. "'Wag naman ganun. "

"Why not?"

"Malay mo . . . "

"Ano?"

He shrugs. "Malay mo magkagusto ka ulit."

"Kay Jass?" No fucking way.

"Siyempre hindi," he says with a scoff. Good. At least on the important things nagkakasundo ang brainwaves namin. "Puro ka Jass, sis? May girlfriend nga yung tao."

"Mali lang intindi ko do'n sa sinabi mo," depensa ko sa sarili. Jass makes me feel pathetic but not pathetic enough to not see how much he's not worth everything I'm giving him. And not pathetic enough to hurt someone else. Gracey's not my friend but I don't plan on deliberately making her feel the heartbreak I felt.

"Okay lang 'yan. Ihahanap na lang kita ng mas guwapo, gusto mo?" I almost choke on my coffee. Sinipa ko ang binti niya sa ilalim ng mesa na ikinatawa niya. "'Lang 'ya, ayaw mo pa? May guwapo kaya akong friends."

"Mukha ba akong sa 'itsura lang nadadala?"

Lalo lang lumakas ang tawa niya. I lightly kick him again on the shin. Ang lakas ng tawa niya. Baka mamaya rinig na ng kapitbhay, e ang aga-aga pa nga.

"Maligo ka na nga!" utos niya. I pull my chair back and stand. Gumaya siya. He grabs my used mug as soon as I place it on the kitchen sink. He manages to kick me out of our own kitchen by grabbing the neckline of my sweater and pulling me to the side. "Ako nang magliligpit! Amoy panis na laway ka e!"

I hit his arm with the back of my hand for manhandling me before heading back upstairs.

*

Dahil mas mataas ang energy ni Chio kaysa sa 'kin, siya ang nag-drive. We meet up with our friends sa malapit na gas station. Jass is standing outside his car, at nakalawit ang braso ni Sab sa window sa backseat. Tanaw ko sina Gracey at Eri na may binibiling kung ano sa convenience store sa tapat.

Chio looks at me and asks, "May bibilhin ka?"

I merely shake my head no. Inaantok na naman ako.

"Di ka ba nilalamig?" Chio asks, taking his navy blue workwear jacket off, leaving him with his white round-neck on.

Umiling ako. I mean, bukás ang bintana dahil malamig ang hangin sa labas, and I can definitely feel the cold on my arm because I grabbed the first top I could get my hands on which happened to be sleeveless dahil madaling-madali siya kanina, pero kaya ko naman.

He nevertheless lays his workwear jacket on my lap. Tiningnan ko lang 'yun at nagkunwaring nandidiri. "Kailan 'to huling nilabhan?"

He bursts out laughing. "Grabe ka sa 'kin! Bagong laba 'yan!"

Inilingan ko lang siya. I unsurprisingly end up falling asleep on the way. Nagising na lang ako nang malapit na kami, with Chio's jacket loosely draped all over my torso. I pulled it closer to me and soaked myself in the scent of clean cloth. Pagdating namin sa restau ay sinuot ko na 'yun nang ayos.

I glance up at Chio when I feel his hand creeping on my nape as he fixes the collar of his jacket that I wear. He leans a bit without taking his eyes off the tables na inii-scan na friends namin (plus Gracey) na mga nauna nang pumasok. "Ako'ng bahala sa 'yo."

"I think I'll survive," I tell him. Again, as long as Gracey doesn't try to be friends with me, káya ko nga. Marunong naman akong maging civil, especially now that we're in a public place.

Hindi naman nakinig sa 'kin si Chio. He took it upon himself to manipulate the sitting arrangement. Nakipag-unahan siya kay Sab sa six-seater table, making sure I get the seat by the aisle with Sab across. He sits beside me, and to his right, si Eri. Gracey sits across Chio at sa kabilang side niya ay si Jass.

It starts out okay. Dahil mukhang inaantok na naman si Sab, probably dahil sa biyahe, at bawal ang maingay, wala masyadong nakapansin na pinipili kong manahimik for other reasons. Nakikinig lang ako sa mga pinag-uusapan nila, and it's a good thing that they aren't talking about Jass and Gracey's relationship anymore. Puro about school, profs, at common friends na hindi ko naman mga kilala ang naririnig ko hanggang sa dumating ang menu.

Eri asks a staff to take a picture of us when the food arrived. Kumain kami pagkatapos at patuloy sila sa pag-uusap. It is easier to tune them out while eating, and I think Chio's making efforts to keep Eri and Gracey occupied para hindi nila maisipang isali ako sa usapan. That, or that's just him being naturally madaldal. Either way, it helps.

It is when we're done eating when things started to feel . . . uncomfortable. Tumayo si Eri para kumuha ng mga pictures. A staff approaches our table and asks na i-adjust ang pagkaka-park ng sasakyan ko dahil hindi raw makalabas ang sasakyan ng restaurant.

Chio seems hesitant to go. Base sa pagkakahawak niya sa sandalan ng upuan ko, mukhang balak niya pang buhatin ang seat ko palabas kasama niya para hindi ako maiwang mag-isa. I just dismiss him with a wave of a hand. I'll be fine kasi nasa table pa naman si Sab na mukhang lalo lang inantok after mabusog.

But then, when Chio leaves, saka naman naisipan ni Sab na mag-CR, leaving me with Gracey and Jass. Mukhang parehas kaming aware ni Jass sa situation kaya nagkatinginan kami pero mabilis ding nag-iwasan. I pretend to be busy watching the staff walk around. Nasaan na ba ang bill namin?

I sigh and glance at Gracey when I hear her clear her throat. Nag-aalangan ang ngiti niya sa 'kin. Considering what happened on Jass' birthday, hindi na rin naman nakakabigla. I shifted on my seat and asked her for the tissue dispenser na mas malapit sa kanila ni Jass, just to lighten up the tension.

I can see it in her eyes that she wants to talk to me, probably to get on my good side the way she did with Eri. Pero hindi pa ready ang good side ko sa kaniya. The only thing I need to get over with is my long overdue apology for being a bitch noong birthday ni Jass.

"Sorry no'ng birthday ni Jass," I say directly. Mukhang hindi 'yun ang inaashan niynag marinig sa 'kin dahil kitang-kita ko kung paano siya natigilan. Even Jass looked my way. I ignore when I catch his hand reaching for hers under the table. Fuck.

"I was just tired," paliwanag ko. That is partly true.

I do not know if I can tell her yung tunay na reason—na hindi pa kasi ako nakaka-move on at pakiramdam ko ang unfair-unfair ng lahat sa 'kin ngayon. I don't want to come off the wrong way. Ayaw kong magmukhang hinahabol si Jass kahit na nagpapaliwanag lang naman ako. Ayaw kong magmukhang naninira ng iba dahil lang hindi ako maka-move on.

"Sorry," I say again. I try to smile a bit. She returns it with a brighter one.

Akala ko makakalaya na ako when I hear Chio's voice, pero nang lingunin ko kung saan 'yun nanggagaling ay mukhang malabo. Si Sab na nasa CR lang kanina ay kasama na ni Eri. And Eri's practically forcing Chio to take pictures of them kahit panay ang angal n'ung isa. He glances at where our table is and looks at me with what seems like worry.

Umalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya nang magsalita si Gracey. Literal na hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya kaya pinaulit ko, "What?"

She still has her smile on. She wraps her fingers around a part of her long, straight hair. "Nagpagupit ka? Super haba ng buhok mo last time."

Duh. "Yes." Be nice, Amery Julianne. Your mom did not break her back raising you alone para lang ma-judge siya at masabihang ganiyan ka pinalaki.

"Oh, sayang naman. Bakit ka nagpagupit?" God, she's still smiling.

Hindi ako makasagot. My brain decides that it's a good time to stop functioning, so I cannot find an excuse. Nangangati akong aminin na dahil tanga akong um-oo kay Jass last year, nagpagupit ako para sagarin yung katangahan ko kasi pakiramdam ko makaka-move on na ako kapag nagpagupit ako.

Ah, fuck. I can't do this. Not today.

I pull my chair back, open my purse, grab a few bills from my wallet, and slide it their way. "For me and Chio," bilin ko bago umalis doon. I walk in a brisk pace to the parking lot, realizing na sana pala uminom ako ng tubig bago umalis dahil biglang nanikip ang dibdib ko.

Bakit ba 'ko ganito? I know I'm not okay yet, but fuck akala ko naman kasi tumibay-tibay na ako kahit papaano. I keep telling Chio that I can do it, and I really thought I could. Di ko naman alam na ganito pala 'yun kahirap in actual. In my head it all seemed doable!

Like, I know after a few months baka tinatawanan ko na lang 'tong katangahan ko. I will get over this, I know. I'm young and unfortunately I just had to experience all these silly little heartbreaks that makes you feel like the world is ending. It is not and I know it. But the feelings I have now are too much para isantabi.

Knowing that the pain will go away but not knowing when is just so cruel. It's forcing me to feel things.

"Ba't naman gano'n, Ju?" Ah, putang ina. If my day were to be ruined in the morning, usually dere-deretso na 'yun hanggang gabi. I ignore Jass as my fingers tremble as I open my purse. 'Tang ina na kay Chio nga pala yung susi ko.

"I was trying to be nice!" My feet automatically move backwards as Jass nears. I try to zip my bag close amidst my trembling. I utter a curse when my coin purse drops to the ground. 'Tang ina, 'tang ina talaga.

"Nice mo na 'yon?" Bakit ba siya pa ang may karapatang magalit? Bakit ba minamadali niya ako? "Gusto lang naman niyang maka-close kay—"

"Ayoko siyang maka-close, okay?!" I shut my eyes tight when I hear my voice break.

Why am I always forced to process my emotions instantly? Can't people give me time? Mamamatay na ba ako mamaya kaya lagi silang nakamadali?

Jass scoffs. I'm not a violent person but the sound he made awakes a part of me I didn't know exist. Parang kaya kong baliin ang side mirror ng sasakyan niya at ibato 'yun sa mukha niya. He looks at me, may ganang ma-frustrate as if hindi niya kasalanan lahat ng 'to. "Ang bait-bait n'ung tao sa 'y—"

"E ayoko nga!" There's heat I feel in my forehead, and it burns the sides of my eyes. "Bobo ka ba, ha?!"

"Ano ba'ng kailangan gawin ni Grace—"

"Di ko pa nga kaya!" Hindi makaintindi?! Do I need to give him a rundown of what just recently happened between us?

He flinches when I throw my purse at him and hits him on the face. I pray that Mommy has a doctor friend who can fix Jass' face sakali mang hindi ko matantiya ang gagong 'to ngayon. "'Tang ina naman kasi Jass! Kabe-break lang nati—"

The weight in my chest drops to my stomach when I see Chio standing just a few steps behind Jass. He stops spinning my car keys on his fingers, and it's the first time I've seen the warmth that comes from him wholly dissipate.

Chapter 5 on December 20, 6:00 pm.