020925 #BYLAMwp Chapter 26

Chio and I are quiet at the back of a taxi. Pinagsisiksikan niya ang sarili niya on his corner, and since I don't want to make it harder for him to maintain a good distance between us, I do the same on mine. If an outsider were to observe us, baka mapagkamalan kaming hindi magkakilala, o na parehas kaming may hinihintay na umupo sa pagitan namin.

I gave him what he asked for. Hindi na ako nakipagtalo nang sabihin niya sa driver na ako ang unang ihatid, even if it's more practical and cheaper to get him dropped off first. Besides, I don't think I still have the energy to argue. My eyes are tired, and my head has been killing me since I stopped crying. My libs feel sore, and just like the day after I rejected him, everything hurts.

I can't skip reporting to my internship tomorrow, and then I have Spanish after that, so I'm trying my best to preserve whatever strength I have left so I can do whatever needs to get done.

"Dito ho?" tanong ng driver, slowing down the taxi about two houses away from ours. Tumango na lang ako dahil ayaw ko nang magsalita, at kaya ko namang lakarin.

I look at the meter. The only time Chio speaks is when he hears me unzipping my bag so I can get my wallet and pay. "Ako na."

I swallow the lump in my throat. Earlier, he told me that he didn't need anything from me. That he doesn't want anything. The only thing I remember him pleading for was for me to let go.

Na 'wag na raw akong lumaban. Na hayaan ko na. I don't exactly understand what he meant by those, and I can only hope that leaving the taxi quietly and not bothering to argue about the fare somehow answers those requests.

I stand there in front of the neighbor's house and watch the taxi disappear from my view. Maybe I should have left my heart there beside Chio, then I wouldn't have to carry its weight home.

Or maybe that's not a good idea, because he doesn't want anything to do with it.

In the end, nothing has changed. I am left to deal with it alone.

* * *

My mind lost to my body. It was forced to shut down, probably from exhaustion, kaya nakatulog agad ako kagabi pag-uwi. This little head of mine booted itself up too early, kaya nauna pa akong magising kaysa sa tumunog ang alarm ko. I stay under the sheets and wait for my phone alarm to ring when I hear the knob clicking. I turn my head towards the door, thinking it's Auntie Mel na napaaga rin ng gising, but instead, I see Mommy.

I return my gaze to the windows when our eyes meet. I haven't apologized for unintentionally yelling at her last Sunday. We haven't talked about it, even why I balled myself up next to her in bed last Monday. Hindi ko alam kung nag-usap na sila ni Dad about my surprise visit to the hospital, including everything I told him that people his age would not bother understanding and just straight-up chuck it to being disrespectful.

Mommy doesn't say anything while she's in my room. She adjusts the aircon temperature, twists the blinds open, and then leaves the room. I know I am sorry, and I know that she's leaving in two days, but it's so hard to just . . . apologize. I don't understand how it can get this awkward and why it's so difficult to approach her when I have known her my whole life.

Hindi ko na hinintay na tumunog ang alarm ko. A few moments after Mommy left the room, I grab my phone and turn the upcoming alarm off, then I get up and prepare for my day. Alam ko namang ang gagawin ko lang sa kama ay mag-iisip nang mag-iisip nang mag-iisip, and I can do that in the shower kaya bakit hindi doon na lang?

The warm water eased my slight headache. And it's a good thing that I took a bath early dahil maaga ko ring nakita sa salamin kung gaano kapaga ang mga mata ko. I'm sure Mommy saw them, but I'm not sure if I was okay with her not asking me about it, or if I would have felt better if she did kahit naman alam kong hindi ako sasagot nang ayos. Ang alam ko ay ayaw kong mausisa mamaya sa office, so I head downstairs after quickly getting dressed so I can depuff my eyes with cold spoons and still have time to do my makeup after so I can try to hide it better.

Hindi ko alam kung gumana ba yung ginawa ko or everyone's just too busy sa office to notice my disposition. The workload also distracted me, so it's a nice time off from thinking about Chio, about Mommy, and about every unpredictable thing that lies ahead. Nakapag-clock out ako nang walang nare-receive na kahit anong comments about how I look, except sa sinabi sa 'kin ni Pearl habang nasa CR kami after lunch na I need to get myself a better lipstick shade dahil ang putla ko raw tingnan.

It's an upside to being not that important. It's easy to assume na it's a sad thing to be aware of it, to decide na hindi ka naman ganoon kaimportante—sa mundo man, o sa kahit na kanino. But I disagree. I actually think it's quite conceited for a person to not even consider the idea.

What's so sad about knowing that I am just one, almost insignificant person in this enormous place I exist in? Most of the world is unknown to me, and it will probably remain that way until my last breath, so why would I assume that I am so important? Mas mabuti nga na ganito. I am at ease knowing that one bad thing happening to me doesn't lead to the world blowing up. I like that no one's looking at me and that everyone is just so busy with their own lives that they have no time to notice that I cried my heart out last night.

I get hurt, and then I heal without the discomfort of everyone watching. No one can convince me that that's sad.

But I understand why it's not a popular opinion. Sometimes, someone takes a second to notice even when they don't have the luxury of pausing in their lives that are encouraged to be fast-paced, and it feels nice.

I still stand by my belief that my default choice is not sad at all, but I know that that choice is also . . . not nice. It's comforting in a sense, but it doesn't feel as nice as when there's another person who cares about you despite your existence not being that relevant in the grander scheme of things.

"You're free later?" Ced asks, pulling the chair beside me closer to mine before sitting. He needs to work on his acting because his smile is weird, and he's not as discreet as he thought he was when he's trying to study my face. "Kain after? Coffee? Anything?"

I shake my head no. This time, it's not because I want to be alone. "Uuwi ako agad." I have been going home late for the past few days, tapos magkaaway pa kami ni Mommy kaya hindi kami nag-uusap. She's already leaving sa Sunday, and it would be dumb of me not to choose to see more of her at home.

He gives me a frown but nods. "Okay." He doesn't take his eyes off my face.

Napailing na lang ako. "Magtatanong ka ba?" I ask, dahil alam ko namang may sa lahing tsismoso siya. And I probably made him worry on our last conversation, tapos hindi ko pa siya nire-reply-an sa IG kahit na panay ang message niya over the weekend if I'm free.

He sucks in his teeth, then slightly pulls his chair away from me. "Depends. Gusto mo bang sabihin?"

I think about it, but I end up just shaking my head no. Parang ang dami pa rin kasing nangyayari, and I don't think it will do me well if I dissect all of it now. I'm not ready. I think I'll just end up losing sleep later if I push it. I feel like I need a break from everything, and since my mind seems to be allergic to stillness, this is the closest thing to a break that I can get: do my internship hours, attend my Spanish classes, and let everything else other than that fade into the background.

Ced nods. Parehas kaming napatingin saglit sa pinto when we hear it open, and he returns his seat to its original place when we see that it's our instructor. He leans to my seat habang hindi pa kami nagsisimula. "It's okay. Pero, really, no to hanging out after this class?"

Maybe I owe him dinner or an afternoon sa susunod na weekend. Because he's my friend, and he's nice, and his checking on me is nice. "Next time."

That makes him grin. Hindi na niya ako inabala for the entirety of our class. He ditches his friends again when we are dismissed, and I try to listen when he's telling this story about a woman from his class even if it feels like my neurons have all been fried. I'm tired, but he listens when I want him to, so it feels wrong not to try and give back the same effort.

I stop walking when I notice a familiar figure standing near the guard's post. Napatigil din tuloy si Ced sa tabi ko. "What?" he asks.

I don't answer. I walk towards the guard post and my eyebrows furrow when I confirm who it is. "Sab?" What is she doing here?

She tears her gaze off from the learning center's pamphlet she's reading. Napaayos siya ng tayo at ng sukbit sa backpack niya. She glances at Ced for a moment before returning her eyes to me. "Tapos ka na?"

"Who?" mahinang bulong ni Ced sa likuran ko. Tsismoso talaga.

"Yes," I reply to Sab's question. I turn my head to Ced dahil baka naghihintay siya—sa 'kin, or sa isasagot ko tungkol kay Sab, or both. "You can go. Ingat."

He doesn't bother hiding his frown; he even exaggerates it. His eyes fleet to Sab before going back to me. "I thought uuwi ka agad?"

My eyebrows furrow. Nagtatampo ba 'to? "Yes." Yun naman talaga ang plano ko. Sab's visit here is unexpected. I still don't even know what she's doing here. Ced's still looking at me like I just betrayed him, e hindi naman talaga ako nagsinungaling sa kaniya kanina.

"Sa 'min siya kakain," I add, referring to Sab. I really want to go home. Whatever reason Sab is here for, puwede naming pag-usapan sa bahay.

"Fine," parang napipilitan pang sagot ni Ced. Seriously, why would he even think na I was just making an excuse kanina to decline his invite? If I wanted to decline his invite dahil ayaw ko lang talaga siyang kasama, dederetsahin ko naman sa kaniya yun. "Pero I'll keep reminding you about that 'next time' na sinasabi mo, ha?" He eyes Sab again before he tousles the top of my hair and walks away. "And magre-reply ka sa IG! I'll message you!" pahabol niya pa.

When Ced's out of sight, saka ko lang nilingon si Sab. I fix my hair with my fingers, and I gesture for her to follow as I walk to the parking lot. "Bakit ka nandito?"

"Sorry. Sinabi sa 'kin ni Chio sa'n ka nagka-class," she says. The mere mention of his name makes me sigh. I didn't see him today, and I haven't heard anything from him since last night. I don't know if he got home safely, or what time he arrived, or kung pumasok siya ngayong araw. I don't even know kung kanina lang ba sila nag-usap ni Sab about where I am taking my Spanish classes.

I have no choice but to wonder because I cannot ask kahit na gustong-gusto kong malaman. I can't talk to Chio. And I'm not sure if I want to ask Sab dahil baka hindi niya sagutin, and it will just turn the atmosphere between us awkward. Mabuti na nga itong nag-uusap kami at okay kami. Ayaw ko nang guluhin.

"So, bakit nga?" I asked again because she didn't answer my question. "And do you want to get dinner sa bahay? Uuwi na ako." I fish my keys from my front pocket and sound the car alarm.

"Uuwi ka na nga?" Sab asks, which makes my brows furrow. Mukha ba akong hindi umuuwi? Why did she and Ced earlier ask that as if I'm not a fan of coming home?

We stop at the side of the parking slot. "Oo."

I feel my phone vibrate from inside my bag. Since it's not a call, I'm sure that it can wait so I ignore it. Instead, I focus on Sab in front of me na parang hindi mapakali. She appeared here out of nowhere, and now she's acting weird. Is this about us making up? She doesn't need to say sorry; naiintindihan ko naman yung gianwa niya last time. "Why?" I ask.

"Puwede ba tayong mag-usap?"

My forehead creases. I study her face for a moment, but I really can't figure out what she's here for. She pulls on the vacant piercing hole on her left earlobe. It's unusual to see her hanging her head low. What's going on?

"Yes," sagot ko. I reach for the handle of the door to the driver's seat. "On the road. Okay lang?"

She heaves a deep sigh. "Puwede hindi sa inyo?"

Worry is starting to replace my curiosity. May problema ba 'tong si Sab? Did something happen after Jass drove her home? "What do you mean?"

She scratches her temple, eyes down on my handbag instead of up on my face. "Kain tayo sa labas? Sa iba?"

Itinulak ko ulit pasara ang pinto ng sasakyan. Seriously, what's this about? Why would she decline having dinner sa 'min? Is she thinking na Eri's going to be there? Hindi pa ba sila okay? "Tayo lang dalawa sa bahay, saka si Auntie at Mommy."

"Oo nga," tumatango niyang sabi. "Alam ko."

Then, what's the problem? Naranasan ko lang matanggihan ng invite sa bahay noong kami pa ni Jass. That wuss was scared of getting dinner sa bahay nang hindi namin kasama ang iba naming friends. Aside from that, parang sobrang bihira na mangyari—kapag may conflict lang sa schedule or may hindi lang talaga magkasundo. My friends like Auntie's cooking. And they like free food. There's really no reason to decline.

So kung hindi 'to tungkol sa pag-aakala niyang nasa bahay si Eri, then what? Why is she pushing me to go elsewhere to eat?

The ridges of my keys dig on my palm when I close my fist tight after an idea comes to mind. Is this a set-up? Kung hindi siya yung may kinatatakutang makita, baka ako dapat yung meron? At sino pa ba yun?

Like I even have to ask. Wala namang iba.

My heart picks up its pace, rushing to supply what my head needs when its gears are rapidly turning in wonder. I know it involves Chio, but why? What is this for? I find it hard to believe that it's just a harmless invite, na it's nothing I have to worry about. Hindi naman siguro mababalisa nang ganito si Sab kung wala lang. What even convinced her to take part in this? What did he tell her?

And I know I want to check on him, pero hindi yung ganito. Hindi yung ganitong biglaan. I'm not ready to see him today. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to be alone with him after what happened last night.

"Is this about Chio?" I ask. I need to know. I'm not going anywhere with her if there's even the slightest possibility that I'll be seeing him.

I really don't want to. I'm just not ready, yet. I know that I have a very small world, and since he has managed to make himself a permanent fixture in most of it, I'm trying my hardest to hold onto the tiniest space he has not been to, yet. If I can manage to avoid him, knowing that I need to do it, bakit hindi ko gagawin?

Nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya. "Ha?"

"Seriously, aminin mo na." I'm not joking. I will have to decline and then takbuhan siya sakali mang may kinalaman nga kay Chio 'to. Seeing him won't do me good today. I still feel the exhaustion from our conversation last night, and even just reminding myself of it seems like inviting a headache to come and torture me.

"And I will be mad kung magsisinungaling ka sa 'kin," I add. Right now, we're fine. Wala na sa 'kin yung nangyari sa bahay nila. Pero if she lies to me about this, then, we'll have to say goodbye to our little group hangouts dahil magkakaaway na kaming lahat.

Parang hindi makapaniwala ang tingin niya sa 'kin. She huffs, and her face crumples after. "Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit biglang pumasok si Chio sa usapan e."

"Really?"

She doesn't look like she's lying. "Oo nga. Tinatanong ko lang naman kung puwedeng sa labas tayo kumain."

My eyebrows furrow. "Why? I can take you home after." Baka kasi ang problema lang naman niya ay ang uwi niya

She scratches the base of her high ponytail. Sab has this really nice, straight hair that she seldomly wears down. Most of the time, she keeps it in a high ponytail just like today. Kung hindi man, it's in a braid or some hairstyle na hindi ko alam ang tawag, courtesy of a bored Eri na siyang tanging hinahayaan lang ni Sab na kung ano-ano ang gawin sa buhok niya. "Wala lang. Parang ang hirap naman kasing magtsismisan sa inyo kung ando'n sina Tita."

"Really?" I ask again. Hindi nga siya mukhang nagsisinungaling, but neither does she sound convincing.

She rolls her eyes at me and walks to the other side, stopping just beside the front seat. "Oo nga. Ayaw mo lang ba akong kasama?"

"That's not what I meant," I mutter in defense.

Tinawanan lang niya ako. "Tara na. Saan ba tayo?"

Instead of answering, I get my door again at pumasok na sa loob para mapagbuksan siya. She gets in the passenger seat, tossing her backpack on her feet and taking off her jacket, leaving her with her raglan sleeve shirt. Itinapat ko sa kaniya ang AC dahil parang init na init siya. I don't know how long she has been waiting for me doon sa baba ng building, pero mainit kasi roon minsan. She should have texted me na nandito siya para naipagpaalam ko sana na sa lobby siya paghintayin. Why didn't she tell me that she's here, anyway?

"Bakit ka pumunta dito?" I ask.

She turns her head to me and shows me the frown on her face. "Ayaw mo ba talaga akong kasama?"

I click my tongue. That's not what I said. Tinawanan lang niya ulit ako. I'm guessing she's misinterpreting me on purpose. "Bakit mo nga naisipan?"

Si Chio pa lang naman ang nadadala ko rito, and it's because he wanted to tag along and wait for me so we could be together after. I can't come up with a reason why Sab would go here, lalo na nang hindi ako sinasabihan. I don't think she's interested in enrolling or inquiring. Even if she were, she would have told me earlier, or baka nag-message na lang siya. That's not something that warrants a visit to me here.

"Wala lang!" she says, laughing as she puts on her seatbelt. "Bawal ba tayong gumala nang tayo lang?"

I don't know how to respond to that. When Jass and I were still a thing, siya ang madalas kasama ko, but it only happens in secret and it doesn't happen often. Usually, si Jass at Chio ang magkasama. And then, Chio and I sort of happened. And now that that's over, too, I have been with Eri lately. Pero I'm guessing na that's only because magkaaway sila ni Sab.

Wala namang problema sa 'kin yun. I know I'm everyone's last option, and I'm not bothered with that. I don't think maiiwasan yung may mas pinapaborang isa, or maybe two. Even more so, I can't control kung kanino sila mas close. It's hard to maintain a relationship with a lot of people, so it makes sense that there's one or only a few relationships that get a higher level of upkeep. It's not like I put on more active effort, anyway. Besides, it's rare na I feel left out.

So this is . . . unexpected. I don't even remember the last time I was left alone with Sab for a long time. Madalas talaga, kasama namin si Eri. Otherwise, kompleto kami.

Still, it's a welcome surprise. Pero dahil surprise nga, hindi ko tuloy ang gagawin. Parang ayaw talaga niya sa bahay, pero gusto ko nang umuwi. Pero gusto ko ring kasama siya. So what do I do?

My silence is probably what made her eyebrows furrow. "Uuwi ka na nga talaga? Kailangan ka ba sa inyo?"

I shake my head no, then put on my seatbelt. "Gusto ko lang umuwi nang maaga."

I don't think I should tell her na I wanna go home early because I want to see more of Mommy because she's leaving in two days. I'm still not convinced na this dinner invite is just . . . a dinner invite. Sab looks bothered, and for some reason she thinks it's best na ako ang kausapin niya about it. Kapag sinabi ko sa kaniya yung dahilan bakit gusto ko nang umuwi, I'm sure she would just tell me na ibaba siya sa sakayan and na next time na lang kami mag-dinner. I'm also sure na by the time na I'm free to sit down and talk to her, ayaw na niyang pag-usapan whatever it is.

"A, e di sa malapit na lang sa inyo," she suggests. "Para maaga ka makauwi pagkatapos."

I nod. That's a sound idea. I get my phone from my bag para hanapin sa maps yung kinainan namin ni Mommy na restaurant that I saved before. I don't know any other places because I usually just eat at home kung wala naman akong kasama para kumain sa labas.

The navigation instructions load, and I'm about to mount my phone on the holder when it vibrates.

It's a new message from Ced. Na sana pala hindi ko na lang binasa.

"Bakit ganiyan ang hitsura mo?" Sab asks, probably seeing the look on my face. I just shake my head no and refuse to tell her. She's better off not knowing, anyway.

Ced: Is that ur friend? Whats the name???

Ced: Sabi mo u'll reply. Is she single ba vouch mo ako please

I'm not scandalized na Ced took interest in Sab even if ngayon niya lang yata 'to nakita. I apparently have pretty friends—the two guys included. Sab's tall, too, and I think it adds to her appeal. It's also the reason why she's not being swallowed by the big jackets that she always likes to wear.

What's appalling is the idea that Ced would be with her. No offense to him, pero hindi sila bagay. I can't even imagine.

I turned off my notifications dahil baka mamaya magpahabol pa si Ced tapos ay mabasa ni Sab. I'm not sure if Sab ever dated anyone, or if Ced's even the type she would go for. Ced's my friend, and for the short time that I have known him, he's a decent guy. Hindi ko lang talaga ma-imagine yung compatibility.

Thankfully, Sab doesn't probe on the topic. It seems like she's telling the truth about just wanting to have a talk with me, at wala nga siyang agenda na kung ano—at least none that is Chio-related. On our way to the restaurant, ang pinag-usapan lang namin ay yung classes ko, saka yung internship namin.

We're lucky na pagdating namin sa resto ay may parking at puwesto pa for two. It's a Friday evening so the place is almost full. Pag-upo namin ay hinintay ko lang si Sab na makapag-decide kung ano'ng kakainin niya because I have already decided on the way na ang bibilhin ko lang ay yung kinain ko rito dati with Mommy. Not long after, someone gets our orders and takes the menu books, leaving me alone with Sab and the tissue holder centered on the table.

I have known Sab for two years now, and we have been friends for maybe just a few months less. We became friends through Eri who didn't stay away from me even when I kept blocking her attempts to warm up on me.

So, I'm not uncomfortable.

But it's really weird that I don't know what to say. Kailangan bang may sabihin ako? I'm not sure. But she did say that she wants to talk to me. It would have been better if she told me what she wanted to talk about para hindi kami tahimik lang dito.

I think the feeling goes both ways. Sab pouts at the stretch of our silence, and then grabs the metal tissue holder on the table and passes it around, sliding it on the hardwood as it goes from one hand to another.

"Kumusta ka?" she asks.

"I'm okay." For the most part. I didn't know what to say next, but I stopped myself before tossing the question back to her. Magtutunog kasing parang ang tagal naming hindi nagkita.

She saves me the trouble of thinking of ways to fill the silence. "Si Tita?" She looks up at me for a second, then goes back to fiddling with the tissue holder. "I mean, yung mommy mo. Kumusta plans niyo paalis?"

"She's leaving soon." Baka magmadali siyang kumain mamaya kapag nalaman niyang sa Sunday na ang alis ni Mommy at ma-realize niya kung bakit gusto kong maaga umuwi, so I keep my answer vague. "I'm not sure about my plans, yet."

Her forehead creases. On her last toss, the tissue holder lands on her right hand. She picks it up and sets it aside, folding her arms over the table and slightly leaning over. "Hindi ka sure, so puwedeng hindi ka umalis?"

I nod. I mean . . . baka long shot, but still.

I don't know what Mommy's decision is. And I know I'm an adult pero god, I don't think I am capable of making these 'adult' choices; I can't even decide on what to eat at an unfamiliar restaurant. I defer to Mommy because she knows this better than I do. And whatever her verdict is . . . I guess I'll have no choice but to accept it. It's either future me will thank her, or I will just feel indifferent about it; it's not all that bad.

Sab props an elbow on the table and rests her chin on her palm. "Mabuti naman. Grabe naman kasi yung one year ka na lang dito. Hindi ka man lang pina-graduate ni Tita? Para saan pa yung mga pinaggagagawa mo? Kahit two years man lang sana . . . ."

I just sigh, and then, shrug. Hindi ko kasi talaga alam. It's a logical suggestion, pero I don't know if Mommy will agree to it. I'm not even sure if I want to spend two more years if alam ko namang aalis din ako. Baka mas mahirapan lang ako kung sakali, so it's better to do it early. On the practical side—as in documents, costs, and all that—mas okay din yung maaga; the process will be more complicated kung mas patatagalin.

Sab's frowning now, so I feel bad that I can't think of anything to steer the conversation away from something so . . . sad, I guess. Fortunately, one of the waiters interrupts to give us our utensils and service water before the gloom sets in the atmosphere for a little too long. Sab takes a sip from her glass while I take a piece of tissue to wipe my spoon and fork.

"Kumusta kayo ni Chio?" she suddenly asks. The dull points of the fork poke my finger.

How do I even answer that question? "How is he?" I ask, instead. "Kailan ba kayo huling nag-usap?"

"Kanina lang umaga?" sagot niya. "Hindi ba kayo nag-uusap?"

"Not really." Technically, we do speak to each other, but it's just . . . not the same. The last time we had a decent conversation was before all these unfolded in a way we both didn't like. That already feels like a lifetime ago, and I'm already aching to be reborn just so I can leap forward to those days and just stay there. But that's impossible.

"Bakit hindi?"

I don't answer. I don't know the answer. What's there for us to talk about, anyway? I think we already covered the necessary bases.

Sometimes, endings just come that way—with frayed and loose threads no one can do anything about. There's no use in worrying over something that can't be fixed.

"How about you?" I ask. She doesn't look at all fine earlier, so I'm almost certain that something's going on with her, too. Baka lang pagdating namin dito kanina, she realizes she doesn't know how to talk about it, so she's deflecting and trying to get me to talk instead. I would have played along if I knew what to say, at least until she was ready to tell me kung ano talaga yung sasabihin niya. But I don't. Maling choice talaga na ako ang pinuntahan niya. "How are you?"

There appears a bitter smile on her face. "Ito, naguguluhan din," she answers with a chuckle as bitter. It's unusual to see her like this, so all my worries gather in my head and taint all my guesses with concern.

I am waiting for what she's going to say next when a server comes to our table with our food. Napunta tuloy roon ang atensyon ni Sab, and I was worried na she wouldn't go back to talking about what she was supposed to talk about, but fortunately, she continued after a few spoonfuls of her food.

"Dapat nasa batas nang bawal pumatos ng tropa e, 'no?" she says, laughing. I stop chewing. Sab grabs her glass of water and finishes half of it.

The worry in my head freezes, halting all functions in my mind. It detaches from my guesses earlier kung bakit ba gustong makipag-usap ni Sab, and confusion takes its place. I don't know if I'm just mentally exhausted at mali ang intindi ko sa kaniya, or if she's really talking about herself—not me, not Chio, not me and Chio.

I put my utensils down. Saglit na napatingin sa 'kin si Sab, but then doesn't say anything and just continues eating while I'm here wanting to take my brain out of my head and poke on it with my fork so I can work better with what little she told me. Yun na yun?

She can't just say that and not substantiate it. I'm coming up with ideas, but none of them seems to make sense, so it's either I'm not smart enough or I'm not thinking enough.

Does she like Jass? Hindi lang ba for me yung pagsuntok niya kay Jass noong nalaman niyang naging kami n'ung tao? Personal vendetta na rin ba yun? I can't imagine, pero what do I know? I don't know a single thing about Sab's romantic relationships, if she even had any.

Pero why talk about this now? That's even more confusing. Random lang? Naisipan lang niyang i-share? Mas madaling sabihin sa 'kin kasi may chance na umalis ako at bitbitin ko yung kuwento niyang yun kung saan malayo sa friends namin? Or nasabi na niya sa iba, at naisipan na niyang aminin sa 'kin ngayon dahil aalis ako?

The other option makes more sense, but it's harder to wrap my head around it.

Does she like Chio?

It's not . . . surprising, but it's still quite a revelation. It's not like I can blame her. He's easy on the heart, so I get it. I also like—

I think he's likable.

Her eyebrows furrow when she lifts her gaze to me again. "Hindi ka na kumain d'yan?"

Kaya she's uneasy to talk about it. Kaya she's hesitant to talk to me about it. I am half-right na it's about Chio, I just had the wrong interpretation. "Do you like Chio?"

She abruptly stops chewing. "Gago?"

"But why do you need to tell me?" Ano ba 'to, pasintabi? Hindi ko naman siya puwedeng sabihan kung ano ang dapat niyang gawin at hindi. She doesn't need my permission for anything. I don't know if she has been spending more time with him rcently gawa ng mga nangyayari lately, pero whatever that leads to, it's out of my control. More importantly, it's none of my business.

"Huy!" She widens her eyes at me, and it felt like a threat so I keep my mouth shut. Inubos niya ang lamang tubig ng baso niya at sumenyas sa isa sa mga server for a refill. "Gaga talaga. Hindi."

"So you like Jass?"

"Mas hindi," she spits out in a controlled volume. She shifts to a softer tone when thanking the staff who refilled her glass. "Jusko ka."

My eyebrows furrow. My neurons aren't firing anymore because she just refuted my only guesses, leaving me with nothing.

I lower my eyes down on my grilled chicken and pick up my utensils. Panay ang publong na mura ni Sab sa tapat ko while I try to think and finish my food, and I don't know if I should be insulted as an ex-girlfriend dahil offend na offend siya sa thought na pumatol kay Jass.

"Sab."

"O?"

"Do you like me?"

Nabulunan siya sa kinakain. I grab the tissue holder and put it beside her plate when she starts coughing. I'm not sure how to interpret her sudden choking. She hits the center of her chest with the base of her palm repeatedly pagkatapos makabawi. "Jusko."

"Do you?" Sakali man, I just feel . . . indifferent about it. Shocked, of course, but . . . ewan. Maybe I don't have any more feelings and thinking to spend on that idea dahil inubos ko na kay Chio.

A hearty chuckle bubbles up her throat. This one sounds better than those from earlier. "Hindi a. First year, first sem pa lang, halata namang crush ka ni Chio. O kung hindi ka niya crush, type ka n'un. Kaya hindi na kita kinayang tingnan nang di pumapasok sa isip ko si Chio."

Kumunot ang noo ko roon. Eri sort of said the same thing. I don't know where she and Sab got the idea because Chio and I weren't that close before the Jass Thing happened. He just takes the seat beside me in class whenever it's empty or my de facto seatmate is absent, and I don't remember noticing anything different between how he was with me and with others.

"Parehas kayo ng sinabi ni Eri."

"Totoo nga kasi."

I shake my head no. "Lagi lang kayong magkasama ni Eri, and pinag-uusapan niyo kami so isa lang bilang ng opinion niyo sa 'kin."

"Gaga." She rolls her eyes. "Totoo nga. Bakit ba ayaw mong maniwala?"

Hindi naman sa hindi ako naniniwala dahil lang sa ayaw ko. It's just . . . unfounded. "Parang hindi naman kasi. I didn't notice it."

She gives me a small smile. "Kapag hindi mo napapansin, hindi na nag-e-exist?"

That shuts me up. Fine. Valid. I'm not omniscient, but that's not enough to convince me.

Napabuntonghininga na lang ako. I'm curious, alright, but does it even matter? Wala naman na akong ibang matatanong tungkol doon dahil si Jass at Chio na lang ang natitira. It would be awkward to ask Jass. I don't even want to think about asking Chio.

Ayaw ko na muna yun alalahanin, and besides, before any of us forgets, this isn't even about me. "So—"

"Ubusin mo muna 'yang nasa plato mo." Inginuso ni Sab ang pagkain ko. "Nag-chat pala sa 'kin si Chio, nagtatanong kung nasa'n tayo. Sagutin ko ba?"

I shrug. That's up to her. Hindi na rin naman niya ulit ako tinanong tungkol doon, so I just finish my food in silence. She places an additional order of pasta for takeout nang matapos akong kumain. After our table is cleared at hinihintay na lang namin 'yun, she props both her albows on her side of the table and rests her chin on her knuckles.

I wait for her to bring up our conversation earlier—yung tungkol sa kaniya, but she's just blinking at me, and it almost feels like she's challenging me to talk.

Wala naman nang ibang option. She doesn't like me. Hindi si Chio. She seems like she would rather give herself one of her heaviest punches on the face before she even entertains the idea of her Jass being together. There's only one piece of the puzzle I haven't tried inserting. And come to think of it, parang yun dapat ang inuna ko dahil that seems like a good fit even from miles away.

Unless she has other groups of friends I do not know about . . . "You like Eri."

She blinks rapidly, and after each one, there's an unreadable expression that fleets across her face.

She merely hums in affirmation.

I sigh. "Does anyone else know?" She nods. "Chio and Jass?"

She nods again. "Kasasabi ko lang kay Jass. Si Chio, matagal-tagal na."

That explains it. Gaya nga ng sinabi sa 'kin ni Eri when she came over to our house, close sina Sab at Chio. Maybe if Chio and I didn't happen, kay Sab siya pinakamalapit ang loob, next to Jass.

"Does Eri know?" I think that's the more important question to ask.

She gives me a tight-lipped smile. Her eyes are sad. "Oo."

"Matagal na rin?" I feel . . . bad. She's my friend, and I know I shouldn't feel guilty about looking after myself, pero parang I was so absorbed in whatever's happening about me that I didn't see these things. I should have paused. I should have reached out and asked how they were doing. For the past two years, I have learned to observe them quietly, kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit parang ang dami kong hindi napapansin.

She shakes her head no. "Ilang araw na rin."

"But you guys are . . . okay?"

"Oo." Her index finger taps once on the table. "Medyo." She shrugs. "Sinusubukan."

Those are three different answers. If I give her more time, I feel like she'll come up with another one, so I guess it's safe to assume na she doesn't know. I understand the feeling.

It's like . . . floating, I guess. Once you cross certain lines in relationships, you can never come back to the place you took off from. Even when you find your way, even when you know your way back, you're just convincing yourself that it's the same as it was before you left. It's not.

So you leave agian, but you have nowehere to go, so you don't know where to land your feet so you can root your relationship again. Floating.

So you leave again, but you have nowhere to go, so you don't know where to land your feet so you can reroot your relationship. Floating.

"Mga kailan? Before pa kayo mag-away?"

She nods. Medyo nabigla pa ako roon. Parang wala naman kasing nagbago sa kanilang dalawa, at least from my perspective. Wala rin namang nababanggit si Eri kapag magkausap kami.

"What's her . . . What's her response?"

She huffs. "Wala."

"Wala?"

Sab shakes her head. "Hindi raw niya alam."

"So, what? You're friends?" They looked fine to me before the thing at Sab's house happened.

"Siguro." Natawa siya roon. "Parang." She shrugs. "Sana."

Three different answers again. Hindi niya alam. I'm sure it's tearing her apart in little ways, whether she notices it or not. I would know.

"Are you just going to ignore it? Na it happened?" I know that Chio and I can't. Hindi ko alam kung magiging tulad namin sila ni Eri. I think Sab and Eri are doing a much better job dahil mukhang magkasundo pa rin sila kahit papaano.

Sab shrugs again. "Hindi? Ayaw ko naman ng ganun-ganun na lang. Siyempre, hinihintay ko yung sagot niya—kung oo ba o hindi. 'Buti nga si Chio may sagot na e." Her eyes widen a little, then she purses her lips tight. "Sorry," she adds in a whisper.

"It's okay." Alam ko namang pinag-uusapan nila yun. Pinag-usapan nga namin ni Eri e. If anything, I'm just glad that Chio has someone to talk to.

Sab sighs. "Pero, alam mo yun? Iniisip ko kung kailan ko ba malalaman. Hanggang kailan ko ba yun hihintayin? Paano kapag may sagot na siya, ayaw ko nang malaman?"

My eyebrows furrow. My hunch is that that won't be the case. "I think you do." She will always want to know. It's just how it works. "You're afraid to know. That's different from not wanting to know."

How can she say that she doesn't want to know when it's obvious that she's waiting? It doesn't matter if the answer comes too late. She would want to know, either way. Even when it starts to hurt, she won't trade that answer for anything else. At kapag nalaman niya na, she wouldn't have it any other way, even if in the beginning it won't feel like it.

Her wondering is a sign that she's curious. She wants answers.

We all do.

There are already a lot of things we do not know, things we can't control. So it's naturally hard to forfeit the chance of knowing, kahit pa sabihing ignorance is bliss. But as Sab told me earlier, hindi por que hindi napapansin, hindi nag-e-exist. Hindi dahil hindi mo alam, hindi nangyayari. So why not choose to be informed and regain some control? Besides, we are already leaving a lot of things out to chance.

And even if one remains firm and chooses not to know, I think it's going to catch up to them, anyway—either the answers or the wondering. There's no running away from those. The mind is a devious little thing we all unfortunately need.

Sab falls silent. Tahimik lang siyang nawawala sa pagtingin-tingin sa mga taong umiikot sa restaurant.

"Do you regret it?" I ask. That grabs her attention and she shifts her eyes back to me. "Umamin ka kahit hindi mo alam kung paano magre-react si Eri. Pinagsisisihan mo ba yun?"

It's a big leap. Once you take your feet off the ground and do it, you wouldn't know whether you would fly, or at least be able to fall back on the ground safely, or with a loud thud and all your limbs detached.

I don't know how they do it.

"Hindi. Kaya ko nga sinabi e, para malaman ko kung paano niya tatanggapin."

See? She does want to know. "You didn't get nice results."

"Ouch, ha?" she replies, laughing. "Pero ikaw na ang nagsabi, di ba? At least alam ko na . . . nang slight. Hindi ko pa pala alam sagot niya, pero at least alam ko na reaction niya."

I click my tongue. Well, she wants . . . another thing. Things work a little differently with questions like hers. Gusto niyang masagot yung tanong niya dahil may gusto siyang subukan. I don't get it. Why not just make a smart guess on what the answer would be, and then settle with it without acting on anything?

You'll still be curious, but at least you lessen if not remove the possibility of getting hurt. You have a partial answer, anyway, so hindi ka naman completely in the dark. Why act on it? Why would you wager your heart?

If her smart guess tells her that it's not a good idea, then why leap? And even if she thinks she'll get favorable answers, will it be worth it to seek that result at the risk of getting hurt?

Kagaya nito. Sab knows it can only go two ways—one that's good for her and one that isn't. Had she not told Eri, e di sana walang problema. Sana okay sila. Puwede naman kasing pinakiramdaman na lang niya muna, and if it seemed like the odds wouldn't be on her favor, e di sana hindi na lang siya umamin. And if she felt that she had a fighting chance with Eri, she could have settled with not doing anything about it, in exchange for not putting their current relationship at risk.

Sometime in the future, her questions will be answered, anyway, because that's just how it is. If they both end up with someone else, yun na yung sagot niya. Maybe it's not an exact fit to her question, pero at least alam na niyang it was useless to ask that question in the first place because it won't matter in the end.

But since she answered that call urging her to take that stupid leap, here she is, sharing a table for two with her friend who doesn't know what to say, in a restaurant a little too far from her home, on a Friday rush hour. Here she is, worrying that on top of getting her heart broken, she'll lose her friend.

Why go through all that? Why be reckless and take cheap risks? For what?

"Still. Kung hindi ka umamin, e di sana baka siya ang kasama mo ngayon. Di ka ba nanghihinayang do'n? You let that go the moment you told her about your feelings." Na unfortunately for her, hindi pa malaman kung reciprocated o hindi. "Hindi ka man lang ba natakot sa gagawin mo?"

"Natakot siyempre. Kasi naman, tropa na nga, straight pa," natatawa niyang sabi.

It's difficult to believe that that laugh's out of genuine joy because her eyes are welling up. She's not fine. This is what her decisions led her to, and she doesn't regret it?

Why not?

"Pero sa hinayang, hindi pa rin talaga e. Kasi, siyempre, malay mo puwede. Mas manghihinayang ako kapag hindi ko sinabi. Kapag naging kami tapos hindi mag-work out, do'n, manghihinayang din ako. Kahit naman hindi kami puwedeng dalawa, e di hindi, pero mas pagsisisihan ko kung hindi ko napaalam sa kaniya. Kahit naman saan ako lumusot, kapag hindi ko sinabi, manghihinayang ako. Kaya mas okay na yung sinabi ko. At least kung manghinayang man ako, dahil yun sa naranasan ko. Na-try man lang namin, kumbaga."

That's what all this is for?

For a shot at love?

Is it really that worth it?

She found herself an opportunity, and then just grabbed it by the neck even if there was a possibility that she'd get hurt? Hindi niya kinayang palagpasin na lang? Maybe wait for something else that offers her a more positive forecast?

I don't really get the adage na 'you'll regret not trying.' Why would I when I think I would get hurt? I would rather miss it.

Is that cowardly? I don't think so. Hindi ba puwedeng making smart choices lang? And what's so wrong about wanting to live safely, anyway?

"Kapag naging kayo tapos nag-break kayo, mas sayang." And if that happens, I'm pretty sure that she would look worse than she does now. Mas nakakahinayang for her to avoid that kind of heartbreak?

Her forehead creases. "Naging masaya naman siguro ako. Tapos napasaya ko yung taong mahal ko. Paano naging sayang yun?"

"You could have been happy elsewhere. She could have been happy elsewhere." They could have been both happy without the hurt. And it's like she's assuming that they couldn't have been happy if they didn't try. They very much could have.

"Oo nga," she says, nodding. "Ang dami-dami namang chance para sumaya e—sa dami ba naman ng tao diyan."

My forehead creases. So she agrees with me? She conceded na dumb choice niya lang talaga ang nagdala sa kaniya rito?

But then, she adds, "Pero yung chance na sumaya kayo nang magkasama? Sumasaya sa isa't isa? Hindi ba minsan lang yun? Baka nga isang beses lang? Kaya kahit puwedeng mawala sa 'yo, or kung mawala man talaga, pero nakuha mo naman kahit saglit, sayang pa ba yun?" She shakes her head no. "Hindi. Kaya gagawin ko kahit nakakatakot."

* * *

What Sab said lingers in my head. Her takeout order arrives after, kaya umalis na kami. I wasn't able to think of anything to say to that on the drive papunta kung saan ko siya hinatid, and even on my way back home.

Pag-uwi ko, naabutan ko pa si Auntie Mel na katatapos lang magwalis sa likod ng bahay. Nakakain na silang dalawa ni Mommy. I let her retire to her room after assuring her na I will make sure that everything is locked and turned off before I go to bed.

Hindi muna ako umakyat sa kuwarto. I head to the kitchen and make myself a mug of hot chocolate, then I bring it with me to the living room. I turned on the TV para lang may ingay, and just to keep my eyes busy as I tried to replay Sab and I's conversation. Every time I get to the end, nawawalan ako ng sasabihin.

It doesn't feel right to say it's okay to miss out on that chance, although it seems . . . rational. Is it that worth it? Does it matter who you're being happy with? Can that change in variable make a significant difference in your happiness

Iba yung masaya ka, sa masaya ka with a certain person? Really?

But why? How? You're happy either way.

I pick up the remote control and turn the TV off when I'm done with my drink. I am unfortunately not done with my thinking though, so I bring my questions with me in the shower up in my room. I wear a thick shirt and some pajama pants after, then I take my time to dry my hair dahil medyo malamig ang panahon. I keep my blower in my cabinet after, then I pick up my pillow and head outside.

There's a huge piece of luggage parked by the door to Mommy's room, reminding me to prioritize. I can hit pause on the thinking. Si Mommy muna sa ngayon.

I softly knock on her door twice. Hindi ko kasi alam kung gising pa siya o nauna na kay Auntie Mel na matulog. Hindi inugali sa bahay na mag-lock ng kuwarto, so her door opens when I carefully turn the knob. I find her looking at my direction, nakaupo sa kama niya at nakasandal sa bedrest with a book on hand.

"Hi," she says softly. I close her bedroom door. "Kanina ka lang? Saan ka galing?"

"Kumain po kami ni Sab," I answer before taking half of her bed.

She puts her book down and dims her bedside light. She reaches for the duvet crumpled by her feet, and covers the both of us with it when she lays down beside me. "Sana in-invite mo na lang dito sa bahay para dito na kayo kumain. Ang tagal ko na ring di nakikita yun. Yun yung matangkad, di ba?"

I nod. "Inabutan po ng gutom sa daan," katuwiran ko na lang.

"May babayaran ka sa school, 'no? Next month? Pati yung sa Spanish mo?"

I nod again. Natahimik kami.

I slip my hand beneath my cheeks. Gising pa si Mommy, nakatingin lang sa 'kin. I wonder what goes on in her head.

"I'm sorry."

Her thin brows raise. "Okay." A small smile slowly finds its way to her lips. "And about your request, sige, okay lang."

What? "Sure ka na po?" I didn't apologize with the expectation na mapagbibigyan ako sa gusto ko. I know it's a big request, and I know she's not uprooting me from here as some form of punishment, kaya naiintindihan ko naman.

She hums in agreement. "Pero hindi puwedeng hindi ka dadalaw this year. Kahit sa Christmas break mo na lang. Kaya ayusin mo yung mga pinaaayos ko sa 'yo, okay?" I nod. She smiles. "Maybe you've changed."

I shrug. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't at sadyang ang nasa paligid ko ang nagbabago.

"For the better?" I ask. I hope.

Natawa nang mahina si Mommy. "Hindi ko alam . . . pero kung dati, hindi ka naman pupunta rito para tumabi sa 'king matulog." Her hand reaches for the side of my head, pushing away my hair from my face. "I like this version of you; I won't take it away. Hold onto it as long as you want to."

* * *

I turned off my phone the next morning. Parehas kaming maaga nagising ni Mommy, and before we got up her bed, we agreed to go out today. Pinatay ko ang phone ko para wala akong distractions. Aalis na si Mommy bukas.

Pagbaba namin ay kagigising lang ni Auntie Mel. Hindi na siya pinagluto ni Mommy. Pare-parehas kaming nagmamadaling gumayak para lumabas. I was the designated driver, and we went to a breakfast place that offers a panoramic view of the cityscape. Hindi kami umabot sa sunrise, but it's still a really nice, calming morning.

We transferred to another place for coffee, then we went to the store kung saan bumibili si Mommy ng pots for her plants. Bumagsak kami sa mall pagkatapos dahil hindi naman talaga kami nakapagplano nang ayos, and mauubos ang oras namin sa daan doon sa mga gusto niyang puntahan. Binili ni Mommy si Auntie Mel ng kung ano-ano, while I tried my best to decline her offer kada may gusto siyang bilhin for me na hindi ko naman kailangan. I partially succeeded dahil dalawang dress lang ang naipilit niya sa 'kin.

We have lunch after. By 2 p.m., pagod na sila ni Auntie Mel kaya nag-aya na akong umuwi. When we get home, ako na ang nag-check ng mga dadalhin ni Mommy paalis, and then I cleaned up the house dahil busy silang dalawa na magluto sa kitchen. Gusto ni Mommy magluto bago umalis, at gusto rin niyang kumain ng luto ni Auntie Mel, so I'm pretty sure I'll be eating reheated food for the whole week. Not that I have any complaints.

Maaga ang flight ni Mommy kinabukasan. Gumising din nang maaga si Auntie Mel dahil gusto niyang sumama sa paghahatid. Sa airport na kami nag-very early breakfast.

I knew she tried not to, but Mommy ended up crying bago siya umalis. Mabuti nga at hindi nahawa si Auntie dahil ayaw ko siyang umiiyak na kasama sa sasakyan kapag pauwi na. There are wet spots on the left shoulder of my white shirt from Mommy's tears. Nang kapain ko yun pagbalik namin ni Auntie sa bahay, tuyo na.

Dumeretso si Auntie sa kuwarto niya. I head to the back of the house, and it's weird to imagine that no one's going to sit on that corner of the plant box every evening, for a very long time. There's a discoloration on the paint shaped in an outline of a circle right next to where Mommy likes to sit kapag kinakausap niya itong mga halaman niya sa labas, probably from years of putting down her mug on the same spot. I pick on the peeling paint.

Nawala lang ang atensyon ko roon nang marinig kong bumukas ang pinto papunta sa kitchen. Sinilip ako ni Auntie Mel. "Kakain ka na ba ulit?"

"Busog pa po ako," I answer, shaking my head no.

"O sige, iidlip muna ako."

"Baka po umalis ako," paalam ko before she can close the door.

"Saan ka pupunta?" she asks.

I don't know. I'm not sure. Sanay naman akong hindi maabutan si Mommy sa bahay, pero iba yung pakiramdam na alam kong hindi na siya uuwi kompara sa alam kong naunahan ko lang siyang umalis o bumalik. I just . . . kinda don't want to be here for a while. I don't know how it feels like to not have Mommy within arm's reach. And now I have to learn how to, and that may take time. I don't know when I'll get used to it.

I say the first place that comes to mind, "Sa aplaya lang po."

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Saan yun?"

"Malapit lang po. Pinuntahan namin no'ng birthday ko."

"Okay. Kakatukin mo muna ako bago ka umalis, ha?"

I nod. She heads back into the house, and I spend I don't know how long outside. Pinilit ko lang ang sarili kong umakyat sa kuwarto, and it's hard to avoid looking at my windows and the attached blinds. No one's going to open them every morning starting tomorrow.

I just grab my jacket before heading back downstairs. Sa aplaya na nga talaga ako pupunta. Maybe I can use the view.

I check Mommy's plants outside before locking the back door. Hindi naman namatay yung halaman niyang pinutulan ko ng dahon. There are also no new yellow leaves, and I'm just hoping that it stays that way even without Mommy here. Maybe I should learn how to care of it, so they'll be fine when she comes to visit.

Nagpaalam ako kay Auntie Mel bago umalis. She walks me to the gates kahit hindi kailangan, reminding me to go home early dahil puyat ako at mahirap na magkasakit. Wala na nga kasi kaming doktor sa bahay. She lets me go after repeating that for maybe three times.

Hindi ko na maalala kung paano pumunta roon sa aplaya. What I remember is how to get to the place that I rented for my birthday, so I turned on my phone again and pinned that on the map at doon muna naunang pumunta. I stopped at the corner once I arrived, and then maybe took about ten minutes trying to study the map before deciding to just take the suggested route that would take me to the nearest body of water.

Luckily, hindi naman yata ako naligaw. I stop worrying about not knowing how to find my way back when I spot the familiar lampposts. Soon after, I see the rusting metal arch leading to the market in the view deck. Mas maraming stalls na bukas kumpara noong pumunta kami rito noong birthday ko, pero hindi pa rin lahat open, at hindi rin ganoon kataas ang foot traffic. I park on one of the few parking slots just behind the shed where a line of tricycles are waiting for passengers.

I think I got some hair in my mouth when I stepped out of the vehicle. Ang lakas ng hangin. I gather my hair and hold it close to my nape as I walked around. The place kind of looks different during daytime. Siguro kasi noong gabi kami pumunta, wala namang nagtitinda ng livestock at produce items. Sa mga naglalako lang n'un maraming tao, but sa ibang stalls, halos wala masyado.

I stop walking in front of a big, dark green tent. I didn't know na it's dark green; hindi ko yun napansin when we first went here. I don't know if the handpainted signage placed atop a tall plastic shelf saying 'Flower Shop' is new, or I just also didn't notice it before. The store is closed, so I walk away. I don't plan on buying flowers, anyway.

There are some food stalls that are open, pero hindi pa ako gutom, o wala lang talaga ako sa mood na kumain so I walk past them. I go to the benches by the edges of the river. That one bench beside a lamppost is empty. I remember it because it's where I got my first bouquet.

Chio got me those flowers. Now his side of the bench is empty.

It's a windy, overcast morning. The water is calm under the sunless sky, merging with the horizon line in an almost identical shade of blue. I watch the still water and the steady movement of the clouds for no reason. I'm not sure if it's making me feel better. Maybe the vastness of the river is. It's a reminder that I'm so . . . little. That I'm sad, but it's not shifting the tides nor affecting the weather, so I can sit here and try to rid of the feeling. And since I am so small, my sadness is even smaller. It will not be found anymore if I throw it out there in the river, or if it pours and the rainwater washes it away. It's as if it was never there when it vaporizes and the wind takes it away after the sun comes out.

"AJ."

Huh?

"Oy."

I look over my shoulders to confirm that I'm hearing things, but I was proven wrong. Coming out from nowhere, Chio stands behind me, in a crisp white shirt and jeans in the same blue-gray color as the clouds. I am still processing his sudden appearance when he walks around the bench and sits beside me. Inilapag niya ang helmet na bitbit sa pagitan naming dalawa.

Why is he here?

Hindi ko alam kung paano niya ako natunton if that's even his intention. Maybe he goes here every Sunday morning, and this is just an unfortunate accident. If that's the case, I should go and never come back here. Kaniya 'tong lugar na 'to, at siya rin naman ang nagdala sa 'kin dito. I think I have ruined enough things for him already, at hindi ko na para dagdagan pa.

"'Musta?" he asks. Hindi ako makasagot. I don't even know why he's talking to me—how he has the strength to. He doesn't make it easier for me when he turns his head and looks at me. His eyes look better now.

"Nag-text sa 'kin si Auntie, nagtatanong kung sa'ng aplaya ka pumunta no'ng birthday mo. Sinagot ko, tapos sinabi niya sa 'kin bakit siya nagtanong," dere-deretso niyang paliwanag. He holds my gaze, only looking away when the wind blows and scatters his growing hair on his face. "Umalis na si Tita?"

I take my eyes off him and focus on the river when I have a feeling that he's going to look my way again. I still don't know why he's here, kasi hindi rin naman niya sinabing sinabihan siya ni Auntie Mel na puntahan ako. What he said earlier doesn't explain why he thought it was a good idea to come here knowing that I'll be here.

But this is our first 'normal' conversation in a while, and I don't want to blow it. So I just nod. I shift on my seat, bringing my feet up on the bench, folding my legs, and hugging my knees after, making myself as small as possible so I don't bother him with my presence.

"I will miss Mommy," I tell him. The way I felt when I pulled out that yellowing leaf on Mommy's plant comes back—like I'm removing a blockage from my throat and I can finally breathe better.

"Ako rin."

My forehead creases. I turn to look at him. Sa langit siya nakatingin, sinasalubong ang direksyon ng hangin para siguro hindi tumama ang buhok niya sa mga mata niya. "Mami-miss mo si Mommy?" He's nice to her, but they're not that close. Baka nakikisimpatya?

There's a frown on his face when he lowers his gaze to me. "Ikaw, sira," he clarifies.

My cheeks turn warmer than my hands that I've been keeping in the sleeves of my jacket. I hug my legs tighter and look away, burying the lower half of my face on my knees.

"'Pag umalis ka, mami-miss kita."

Bakit kaya ang dali para sa kaniyang sabihin yun? I mean, after everything? Why is it so easy for him to lay his heart out in the open like that, knowing that I'll just turn my back away from it?

Aside from that, did he really mean what he said? Mas nakakagulo ng utak kung oo. Why would he, after what just happened?

"Baka . . . baka di ako umalis. I don't know," I murmur against the fabric of my pants.

"Talaga?"

I nod. "Mommy is letting me make the choice."

"Ah . . ."

He falls silent. Probably regretting what he just told me. Kung alam naman niyang hindi ako aalis, aaminin pa ba niya yun?

"'Pag umalis ka . . ." I turn my head slightly to take a peek at him. Nasa baba na ang tingin niya. "Friends pa rin tayo, ha?"

Hindi ako nakaiwas agad dahil hindi ko inakalang haharap siya. I swallow the lump in my throat. I wanna ask him why, beacuse I know he's hurting. Why would he still offer that?

But what Sab said comes to mind. Gagawin kahit nakakatakot. Gagawin para sa 'kin kahit nakakatakot. Even if it scares him so much to the point that it hurts.

Chio gives me a tight-lipped smile that makes me want to launch myself into the river. This is too good for me to have. "Promise."

"Don't say that," saway ko bago umiwas ng tingin. We don't know what will happen. Maybe even if I don't leave, we won't be talking to each other a year after graduation. I know it's hard to fulfill such promise, at ayaw kong sumama ang loob ko sa kaniya kapag hindi niya natupad, kahit na mas malaki naman ang atraso ko sa kaniya.

"Bakit? E totoo nga. Friends pa rin tayo, promise ko yun—"

"Don't. Don't say that." We don't even know if this friendship that's barely holding on will survive another month. It's not like I don't want what he's offering. I just don't want him to break a promise. I don't want to not like him over that.

"'Wag kang mag-promise." Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. There's a deep crease in the middle of his forehead that a kiss can fix. "And I won't say sorry."

He quietly looks at me, maybe for a minute, before he sighs. "Okay." He looks away, nodding. "Pero baka umalis ka pa rin?"

"Yes."

Natahimik ulit kami.

Dapat na ba akong umalis dito? Is our conversation over? What's the polite thing to do? What does he want me to do?

"Ang daya mo e," biglaan niyang sabi. His eyes are lost at the river when I turn to look at him. "Ayaw kitang kausapin," he adds, and even if it's warranted, it feels like he just took a knife out of his pocket and stabbed me with it. In-expect ko na yun, pero hindi na ako umilag nang umamba siya dahil, bakit pa? It's not like I don't deserve it.

"Ayaw kitang pansinin," he continues. "'Tang ina, ayaw nga kitang isipin e." I hold my bleeding heart still. It's not allowed to fall apart until he's done. "Pero, wala, pucha. Inisip kita. Inisip kita nang inisip. Hinanap kita. Pinuntahan kita. 'Lang 'yang buhay 'to."

"Aalis ka e," mas mahina niyang dugtong. "Ang daya mo. Di mo man lang ako binigyan ng oras para magtampo sa 'yo. Inaaral ko pa nga kung paano. Hindi ko pa nga alam, tapos bigla ka namang nag-countdown agad; di mo man lang ako pinagbigyang mainis sa 'yo kahit saglit." I wanted to tell him sorry, but I remembered I just told him that I won't apologize if he doesn't make a promise. "E pa'no na 'yan ngayon? Ano nang gagawin ko sa 'yo?"

I have no idea.

He can leave. I have watched others do it; it never fails to do them good.

I don't know if he managed to hear my thoughts o sadyang natauhan na lang siya on his own, because he gets up. And then, he walks away. I know it's the smart thing for him to do. Maybe I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes. But still, it stung.

Naiwan niya pa yung helmet niya. Tatawagin ko ba siya para kuhain niya 'to?

But . . . he'll probably notice that it's gone once he gets to his motorcycle. Kaya 'wag na lang siguro? I should just wait until he comes back for it?

What am I hoping for, really? Na kapag bumalik siya rito, magbabago isip niya? Na he'll sit here and stay beside me, and just become a willing martyr to whatever pain I give him? I know I shouldn't wish that for him, pero . . . ewan.

Maybe I'm just exhausted, and the need for solace is turning me selfish. Maybe I wanted our conversation to last longer, even just for a little more while. I'm fine with him leaving, pero puwede bang mamaya-maya na? Puwede bang dito muna siya saglit? Kahit ngayon lang? And maybe after this, he'll have his wish granted. We won't have to talk anymore. He won't have to see me. I'll find my way out of his head so he won't have to think about me.

I hear him clear his throat behind me. I look back at the river, trying to feign ignorance about his presence so he knows that he can pick up his helmet without subjecting himself to the torture of speaking to me.

My forehead creases when he only moves it a little to the side. Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya nang maglapag siya ng plastik ng ilang pirasong empanada sa pagitan namin, and then the smell of soy sauce immediately registers in my system when he places a huge cup of siomai beside it.

"Sorry sa walkout. Gutom na kasi ako," he says before slipping back into the space beside me.

What?

He lifts his helmet off the bench and places it on his lap, bringing himself to sit closer to me. He stabs another piece of siomai with a toothpick from the cup he's holding and puts it in his mouth.

I don't know if it's the minute-long silence, the pesky wind, or my unhealthy amount of staring at him that made him turn his head to look at me. His eyes are bright, clear of any trace of confusion or worry, in stark contrast to the dim blue sky swirled with pale gray clouds behind him. Like he's so sure. Like's he's at peace with the choices he made this morning, including this.

"O, ano? Kain. Nilibre ka na nga." That familiar crease in the middle of his forehead makes a reappearance, and the feeling of wanting to kiss it away returns.

"You're not leaving?"

"Bakit naman ako aalis?" He glances at the untouched food between us before bringing his warm gaze back to me. He shakes his head no, snatching an empanada from the plastic bag before shifting his eyes to the river. "E dito ko lang gusto."

* ☂️ *

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