(wow. for the first time, less than two weeks pagitan ng update nito haha). 

pakahaba nito, sorry.

010625 #BYLAMwp Chapter 25

I don't know how long I was standing there when Chio left. I don't even know what I was standing there for, knowing that he's not coming back.

It was useless to linger there by the doorstep, waiting for I have no idea what, but I did it, anyway. I stayed still, imagining that on the opposite side of the wall, he was scrambling on his feet to get out and get away from me.

And then, he's gone.

Inakyat ko si Eri sa kuwarto. There's a familiar weight that sinks into my chest, pero wala nga nga yata akong iiiyak, because I can no longer feel tears forming at the back of my eyes.

I just feel . . . numb. Like my face was frozen, and my body was still, and it was only in my chest where I could feel all kinds of feelings. My heart is all beaten up, trying to welcome everything at once, so it just hurts there, but it doesn't allow me to cry it out and lighten the load.

At the same time, it castigates me for being the first one to stop shedding tears—ang kapal ng mukha para hindi na umiyak. E hindi dapat si Chio ang namamaga pa ang mga mata ngayon, kundi ako.

It's a very smart and effective way to punish myself. Don't cry so you can't lighten the weight. Don't cry so the guilt adds up to it.

It's a reminder: Don't cry because you don't deserve to feel better, not after what you did.

"Okay ka lang?" Eri asks. She's not sleeping, yet. I'm not sure if she heard anything that Chio and I talked about downstairs because she was sitting on the floor near her door when I came up.

"No," sagot ko bago mauna na sa kama niya. There are two blankets there so I assume that we're sleeping beside each other. I take the right side of the mattress and turn facing the wall. A second later, I heard her door click. I wait for her to come up to her room again before letting my eyes rest kahit na parang pati 'yun, hindi ko dapat ginagawa.

I'm so tired.

"Julibear," Eri whispers, and I feel the mattress moving as she puts her weight on the bed.

"Hm?" I hum with my eyes closed. Gusto ko nang matulog. It's the only way to effectively make it seem like time has frozen and nothing is passing me by, including my feelings.

Eri turns quiet. If I had the energy, pumihit na ako para harapin siya. I thought she fell asleep first, pero bigla siyang nagsalita. "Good night. Magpahinga ka na."

That makes me open my eyes. The action feels like stabbing my eyeballs with a line of thin needles. It stings.

"Good night," I greet back before letting my eyelids drop again.

It's a new day in a few hours. I can continue feeling just as bad tomorrow.

* * *

I have a quick breakfast with Eri's family the next day—just with two of her brothers and her mom. It's a good thing na wala na akong maiiyak kagabi, and I'm too tired to let tears out if there were any left. I don't think I look decent, but it's better than obviously looking like I cried myself to sleep.

After, nagpaaalam na ako na uuwi. I have nothing to do at home and Eri's convincing me to stay, but I think I would be more comfortable soaking up whatever's brewing in my chest in the comfort of my own room.

"Makakapag-drive ka ba?" Eri asks, leaning on my window habang pinaiinit ko ang makina.

"Yup." I nod. Nag-text ako kay Auntie Mel na pauwi na before keeping my phone inside my bag and placing it on the front seat. I look at Eri. "Thank you."

Her smile is sad. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung rinig sa taas yung pag-uusap namin ni Chio. Sana hindi. Kasi kung oo, hindi malabong narinig din ng iba niyang kasama sa bahay; nakakahiya. "Okay. 'Pag need mo ng kasama, invite mo 'ko."

My eyebrows furrow in wonder. If Jass and I had not kept our relationship a secret, tapos nag-break kami, magkakaganito rin ba si Eri sa 'kin? Imbes na nag-away pa kami because she had no idea.

"You know I still did Chio wrong, right?"

Her forehead creases, and then she shrugs. "Dahil ni-reject mo siya?"

I shake my head no. I don't—I don't know how I did him wrong, exactly, but I can feel it. Or maybe I didn't do him wrong, but I'm sure that I hurt him and those two feel like the exact same thing.

"It's just . . . ." I struggle to find the words to explain it to her. "He's on the losing end."

She arches a brow. "Ikaw ba, hindi? Parehas lang naman yata kayo."

"Can two people both be on the losing end?" I don't think it can work that way.

She merely shrugs. "Bakit ba 'yan ang iniisip mo? Feeling mo ba mas okay ang lagay mo kaysa sa kaniya?"

"I did hurt him."

"Tapos? Sa kaniya lang ba ang effect n'un?" she asks, looking me straight in the eye. "Contest ba 'to, Julibear? Need ba merong mas nasasaktan? Tapos sinasabi mo na si Chio yun, and then ano? Magi-guilty ka?" There's now a deeper frown etched on her face. "Tapos iiwasan mo 'ko? Kasi dapat kay Chio ako lumalapit, gano'n, ha?"

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I wasn't able to think that far, but for some reason, I feel like a small part of me has been targeted and Eri was successfully able to pin it down, so I can't bring myself to disagree.

She reaches her hand inside the car and lightly hits my forearm with it. "Wag mo nang ituloy kung anoman 'yang iniisip o binabalak mo."

I shake my head in defense. "I wasn't planning anything." Wala naman talaga. Bakit ba kami napunta rito? I was just thinking earlier about how Eri could have been a friend kung hindi lang kami nagtago ni Jass.

She narrows her eyes at me, not convinced. She retrieves her hand back and crosses her arms against her chest. "Siguraduhin mo lang."

Mabuti na lang at hindi na niya pinahaba ang usapan after that. Gusto ko na kasi talagang umuwi. When I arrive home, nakaluto na si Auntie Mel pero kakakain ko lang kaya umakyat na lang ako sa kuwarto.

After taking a shower, I spent maybe an hour reviewing my final assessments in Spanish before it knocked me out into sleeping. Pagod na pagod nga siguro ako dahil late na ako nagising. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed kung hindi lang ako pinilit ni Auntie na bumaba dahil dumating na si Mommy at magdi-dinner na.

Mommy's unusually happy when I go downstairs. Para siyang . . . si Chio, actually.

Or maybe not. It just so happens that I keep seeing him around like he's everywhere.

It shows on Mommy's face and actions whenever she's excited, mas lalo na rito sa bahay when her composure is lowered because she's not facing patients. What kept me entertained when I was younger and had to hang around her clinic a lot noong wala siyang mapag-iwanan sa 'kin was how she visibly changed once a patient left her office. It's like she's putting on this mask whenever she's talking to them, and she quickly puts them down once they have stepped out.

"Ngayon ka lang nagising?" she asks when she sees me. She gently pulls me by the arm and drops a kiss on my cheek na hindi ko na nailagan.

"Oo. Tulog 'yan maghapon. Gumising saglit, tapos bagsak ulit," sagot ni Auntie, eyeing me from above the frame of her thin glasses.

Napapunas tuloy ako ng palad sa mga mata ko. I'm sure I don't look that much of a wreck, pero nakakakaba yung tingin ni Auntie. It's like she knows that something's up, and I don't want to worry her kasi kaya naman 'to mag-isa. She's already taking care of the house, hindi na dapat ako dumagdag sa isipin niya; I'm not a kid anymore.

"Okay nga 'yan nang nakakabawi ng tulog," Mommy replies. She clasps her hands together, eyeing the food on the table. "Let's eat!" she says when Auntie Mel takes her seat across me.

Mommy doesn't talk about whatever she's so happy about habang nasa mesa kami. She just asks about my internship, and then nag-usap na sila ni Auntie Mel about people na hindi ko naman kilala. The topic steered into how the house is almost rid of her stuff because she's able to clear the donations kanina lang dahil yun lang ang inasikaso niya the whole weekend.

She's all packed up and ready to leave.

I scan my room when I head back upstairs after dinner. I cannot imagine this space empty. I cannot imagine getting all my luggage bags out, just stashing everything I have ever owned and known there, zipping it up, and then going away. But I also cannot imagine just leaving them be at their places, collecting cobwebs as they wait for me to come back if that's even happening.

I cannot imagine packing it all up.

I cannot imagine leaving.

I'm not sure that I want to.

I open the door to my room and go downstairs without thinking, like my legs have found a brain of their own and it's convinced that it's a good idea to find Mommy because words are rushing out of my throat before I can process them, and she needs to hear them soon. I find her outside, sitting beside her potted plants in the backyard with her white mug that she uses for drinking tea. My feet come to an abrupt halt upon seeing her, and there's an alarm sounding in my head that what I should do is just go back upstairs and lock myself in my room before I do something I would regret.

I have never done this before. I don't know why I even thought it was a good idea.

Nakita agad ako ni Mommy, so she asks me to come over and sit beside her. Wala akong nagawa kundi sumunod at lumapit, but I just stand in front of her instead of sitting down.

I can't bring myself to sit. My legs think that I should remain standing, so I can run just in case the bad idea brewing inside my head catches up to me.

"Ayaw mong umupo?" she asks and I shake my head. "Ayos ka lang?"

I nod. I lightly touch the ends of a leaf of one of her potted plants na hindi ko na matanda-tandaan kung ano ang pangalan kahit ilang beses ko na yung naitanong sa kanila ni Auntie. I'm not a fan of gardening, although I haven't tried.

"Have you decided?"

"On?" Banayad ang boses ni Mommy; it's calming. Kahit na may napagsasabihan siyang patient, may lambot pa rin talaga sa tono niya. I've never heard her yell, actually. On the few times that she had to be firm on me when I was younger, I was never intimidated because she struggled to command fear.

I tear my gaze off her plant and look at her. "When you're leaving."

Napaayos siya ng upo. There's a joyful glint on her eyes that tells me na tama ako—whatever she's so happy about has something to do with her plans to Madrid. "Kakausapin dapat kita about it tomorrow. Sa 17 na, kaya gusto ko sanang lumabas tayo ni Auntie before."

That's next Sunday. I nod. I go back to fiddling with the yellowing end of the leaf of one of her plants. I want to tear it off, pero baka mapagalitan ako ni Mommy.

But it's probably dead, anyway. If I just turn around and go back inside and leave it, wouldn't the rest of the plant—the remaining healthy ones—be affected? I have no idea.

Hindi ako sanay na mangialam, especially since these are Mommy's plants that she has been taking care of for quite some time now and are not mine. But she's leaving, and I don't want to wake up sometime this month and see all its leaves dead. I have a feeling that that's what's going to happen if I ignore it and just leave.

I don't know what's going to happen next; I just hope it's better than the entire plant dying. My finger prickles at the unfamiliarity of deciding on something I don't know, before I pluck the lone yellow leaf out of the stem. Like it's a cue, the words leave my mouth, "I don't want to leave."

I shift my eyes to Mommy, keeping my hands busy by picking on the dead leaf in between my fingers, and tearing it into small strips. When I was younger, mas tamad akong lumabas. It didn't help that I didn't have friends, so I was just usually at home, at the clinic, or the hospital. Kapag nag-aaya si Mommy na lumabas—maybe to go to the mall or visit someone, I say no whenever I don't feel like going. Lagi ko lang sinasabi sa kaniya na ayaw kong lumabas, ayaw kong umalis, sa bahay na lang ako. Sometimes, it works, and she leaves me alone. A few times, hindi umuubra, and she just tells me to dress up or she'll take me in the car and I'll have to go out with my house clothes on.

It never really caused anything . . . 'big.' Bihira akong mapagalitan. I'm not saying I'm the easiest kid to parent, but I never really gave Mommy reasons para mapagalitan ako. Whenever I said that I want to stay in my room and she doesn't agree, ang sasabihin lang naman niya sa akin ay minsan lang ako lalabas kaya dapat na akong sumama. I'm not always in favor of her decisions for me kahit na sumusunod ako, but we never really made a big deal out of it. Nagpapahinga na lang ako agad pag-uwi. Or the next time she'll ask me to go out tapos ayaw ko, hinahayaan niya na lang.

But this one isn't like going to the mall to eat out or something. It's a big decision. And I understand how much this means to her, so it's not surprising at all to see how she froze for a second, and when she's out of the ice, the joy in her eyes starts to fade and is replaced with confusion. Her forehead creases, and she shifts on her spot. "What do you mean? Next year ka pa naman."

"I know." I nod. "I don't want to leave . . . kahit next year. Or—I don't know—can I decide that next year?"

Paulit-ulit na umiling si Mommy. I lower my gaze on my slippers when she stands. She's quiet for a while, before she asks, "Why?" Her tone has turned firm.

I shrug. "My friends are here."

"You'll make friends there."

"We don't know that." Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya. Us not knowing that is both a good and a bad thing. Maybe I'm wrong and she's right—maybe I'll make friends there. Maybe I will be fine. But that's not the point. "I don't want to leave my friends here."

Mommy sets her mug down by her plants. I don't look away when her stare at me hardens, when she sets her lips on a thin line, and when she folds her arms against her chest. It has been a long time since Mommy didn't like something that I said, but I'm certain that the way she's looking at me now is different than how she looked at me then. Bile runs up my throat when my system detects something unusual; she's intimidating. And maybe for the first time since ever, I'm scared of what she has to say.

"Bakit ngayon mo 'yan sinasabi?"

"Ngayon ko lang po naisip—"

"E napagplanuhan na 'to e. Pa'no natin aayusin ngayon 'yan?"

I pause, trying not to flinch at the unfamiliar shift of her tone. "Next year pa naman po ako. Can't we change the plans or just see if—"

"E maayos na nga!" Her jaw ticks. There's movement on her throat when she swallows. Lumingon siya saglit sa bahay, maybe to check if Auntie Mel is out near the door dahil baka marinig kami dahil nagtataas na siya ng boses. I don't back down when she meets my eyes again. "Bakit pa babaguhin—"

"Because I don't like it!" She flinches, and my tongue tastes bitter with the unintended disrespect. I don't remember talking with Mommy like this before. "Hindi ko gusto, 'My. I don't want it."

"Because of your friends?"

Is that not enough reason? "Yes."

"Are you not going to get over it?"

Gutay na ang dahon sa kamay ko. My nail sharply presses against my finger. I don't want to get over it. I don't want to have to get over it. I don't want to leave. What's so hard to understand about that?

I understand what I want now pero bakit parang hindi naman kayang intindihin ng iba?

"Ba't kasi ngayon lang, Julianne? Noong tinanong naman kita dati, hindi ka tumanggi." She sits back down on the edge of her plant box, hitting her knee with the base of her hand out of what seems like frustration. I wanted to retaliate and tell her that she didn't ask me if I wanted to go. Siniguro lang niyang sasama ako sa kaniya, and I said yes, but she never asked if I liked that decision. "At bakit ganiyang rason?"

I blink back the tears when I feel them welling up my eyes. When was the last time that Mommy made me cry? Did she even ever?

"Ano po bang rason yung matatanggap ninyo?"

My voice shakes, to which she sighs. I'm not even shutting down entirely the idea of leaving. I just want to consider the possibility na puwedeng hindi ko yun gawin.

Na I have the choice. Na I can make that choice.

"Ayaw mong umalis because of your friends," she says, and I don't like that she makes it sound like it's something absurd. Like it's not valid.

"Yes," I reply, not bothering to clarify that I just want to bring back staying here as an option.

She clicks her tongue. "Really? Ayaw mo akong samahan do'n because of your—"

"You wanted to leave kasi gusto mong kasama si Tito Luis," I cut her off. "Why is that a valid reason pero yung akin hindi? You love him and I love my friends, so what's so different? What's so wrong about my main reason?"

Maybe she didn't like that I cut her off, or that I am forcing her to confront the flaws of her own logic, but what I said just made her more agitated. "Bakit mo nga ngayon lang binabanggit 'yan? Dati, wala ka ngang kaibigan! Before, you don't even want to leave the house kahit pinasasama kita sa classmates mo! Before, wala ka ngang pakialam sa ibang tao—!"

"But what if I'm not like that anymore!"

"Julianne!"

I purse my lips. I didn't mean to shout at Mommy.

I throw whatever's left of the leaf I've been tearing at on the ground, and turn on my heels because if I say sorry now, I wouldn't mean it. I head back inside, quickly rinsing my hands on the kitchen sink before rushing upstairs to the safety of my room.

I'm suddenly reminded on why it's so easy to stay quiet, and why I have always made that option ever since. Walang problema kapag tahimik lang. Walang kailangang pagtalunan, ni walang kailangang pag-usapan. Walang kailangang pagsisihan bago matulog.

* * *

The blinds in my room remain closed when I wake up the next morning. Mommy's still mad, so she probably didn't bother checking in on me before leaving to god knows where. Baka mag-aasikaso na for her flight. Auntie Mel doesn't ask me about what happened last night, so it's either hindi niya narinig or ayaw niyang mangialam.

Lagi namang ganito si Auntie. Whenever Mommy and I disagree, she doesn't make comments or talk about it with me unless I bring it up first. Probably ganoon din siya kay Mommy.

I understand Mommy, really. I know she has been planning this for so long. Sobrang layo na siguro ng na-envision niya for this Spain project. And then suddenly, I came springing a question on her that would probably affect half of her plans. To be fair, she did ask me just a few months ago if I was coming with her, and I said yes.

I know the feeling. Noong buo na rin naman ang loob ko na aalis, and then she suddenly introduced the idea na I can just stay here and live with Dad, parang gumuho nang saglit ang mundo ko despite that suggestion being absurd.

Tama rin naman si Mommy. Okay na kasi e. Bakit guguluhin pa?

But at the same time, why the hell are we acting like plans can't change? Why are we boxing ourselves in these restrictive plans as if we didn't make them and as if we cannot just make new ones?

"Late na po akong makakauwi," paalam ko kay Auntie Mel habang nagsasapatos.

"Saan ka pupunta?"

"May lakad lang po," I answer vaguely. I have no plans of going home so late to the point na iisipin ni Mommy na ang pagtatalo namin ang dahilan for it. Pero male-late pa rin ako than usual, and the traffic is unpredictable kaya nagpaalam na ako.

I look up, scanning the hospital tower once I arrive. Dumeretso na ako rito right after clocking out of my internship. Medyo traffic na papunta, so I quickly make my way inside to get my business done dahil sigurado akong mas maiipit ako sa traffic pauwi. It takes me a little longer to find my way, since sobrang tagal na noong huling punta ko rito. I was a child and kasama ko pa si Mommy noon.

"Sino pong sadya?" the hospital receptionist asks when it's finally my turn. Unfortunately, there was a line in front of me when I arrived and I had to wait.

"Rubio."

"Sinong Rubio po, Ma'am?" The personnel looks up to me from her monitor screen.

The question makes me gulp. "Julian," I answer, and it leaves a weird feeling on my tongue.

She nods. "Okay po, wait lang po." She keys in something on her computer, before bringing her gaze back to me. "Ay, paalis na po pala kasi si Doc. May appointment po ba today?"

"Yes," I lie. There are receptionists on his floor, at may sarili siyang secretary who would ask me the same question. This person here doesn't know Dad's schedule for today, so she has no idea that I lied. I just want to know what floor he's in and make sure that nandito siya para hindi sayang ang punta ko.

I immediately go up to the floor I was instructed to go to. There's a signage on the wall with the names of the doctors on the floor including their room numbers, kaya hindi na ako pumunta roon sa receptionist. No patients are sitting in the line of gang chairs by the door to his room. Tanaw ko ang secretary niya sa loob, but there's a curtain blocking the entryway to his table, kaya hindi ko makita si Dad. His secretary looks up from what she's writing when I push the door open.

"Ano po 'yun? May schedule po?" dere-deretso niyang tanong, kunot ang noo dahil ngayon na lang naman ako napadpad dito. He wasn't Dad's secretary the last time Mommy and I paid him a visit, pero, obviously, sobrang tagal na kasi n'un.

Napalingon ako sa kurtina. He's still inside, I'm sure. Ang unang sasabihin kasi dapat sa 'kin ng secretary niya ay wala nang doktor kung umalis na siya. The room is structured in a way that there's a separate entryway papasok sa doctor's area. There are just a few chairs, the secretary's table, and a line of file cabinets behind it here by the door .

I shake my head no to her question. Before she can give me the spiel na by appointment lang si Dad, I speak, "Pakisabi po na nandito anak niya."

Napaawang ang bibig niya. She probably knows Jillian, and I'm obviously not her. When she starts eyeing me suspiciously, na para bang may masama akong balak o may dala akon weapon sa bag ko, I just go to the chairs in the corner and sit.

I didn't take Dad's surname, so showing her my ID won't do anything. I don't even have photos with him that I can show her.

She's reluctant when she stands, at nagmamadali pang pumasok papunta sa table ni Dad na para bang may kukuhain ako rito sa table niya kapag iniwan niya akong mag-isa.

"Si Jillian?" I hear Dad ask from the other side of the wall, malakas ang boses. "Mamaya pa yun magpapasundo."

The secretary probably responds pero hindi ko na narinig. Sinabihan lang niya akong puwede nang pumasok pagbalik niya sa table niya. I just murmur my thanks before heading in.

Dad's sitting on his swivel chair. His eyes follow me as I stand in front of his table and ignore his gesture na umupo roon sa upuan for receiving patients. "What brings you here?" he asks with his eyebrows furrowed like I'm just one of his patients. Like his eldest daughter, the one who's named after him, is not allowed to pay him a surprise visit.

I shrug it off. I don't mind. Ayaw ko nga rin nang biglaan siyang bumibisita sa bahay, so his reaction is fair, I guess.

I don't know if it's a good idea to go here. I have an inkling that it isn't, but I have to do this. Sinimulan ko na kagabi, might as well go all out now, so I can deal with the consequences nang sabay.

"Can I ask you something?"

Dad just blinks at me, like he's trying to read what's going on inside my head. I don't know why he even tries to do it. He should know that he would fail; hindi naman niya ako kilala e.

Hindi naman niya ako kinilala.

He leans back on his chair. He's quiet for a moment, then he nods. "Go ahead."

"Mommy's leaving," I begin.

He doesn't look surprised. "Madrid?"

I nod. "Susunod ako next year."

He just nods, no questions or anything. I don't even know if he's interested in what I'm telling him. If he even cares.

I sigh.

I've trained myself to be okay with not knowing—even if it's sometimes nagging and uncomfortable, unpleasant, or just outright cruel. I don't like it—the not knowing—but I eventually became fine with it kasi, kaya ko naman e. I can deal with the persistent wondering. Because if I want to know, then I have to question things, but I prefer keeping my silence because that's what keeps the peace.

Kaya nga nag-away kami ni Mommy e. Kasi nagtanong pa ako. Kasi may gusto akong malaman.

"I think I want to stay here."

His forehead creases. "Okay?"

Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang mga plano ni Mommy, kung ano'ng mangyayari sa 'min. Pero ako ang may gustong baguhin, so I should be the one finding solutions to the problems I just introduced.

Even if it means considering options that I do not like. "Can I stay with you?"

Dad looks at me like I just drained the blood out of his face, like his biggest fear is having his own flesh and blood in his fucking house. He shifts in his seat, and I brace myself for the impact. I don't even want to be in his stupid house, but I have a feeling that the rejection coming my way would still hurt.

"I can't make that decision on my own—"

"I know. Gusto ko lang namang malaman if you can shelter me when I need it."

He runs his palms on the sides of his head as if what I had just asked him is the cure for fucking cancer. It's a simple yes-or-no question. I know he has a family now whom he has to make the decision with. Ang gusto ko lang naman malaman ay yung opinyon niya. I would understand if his new wife and his other daughter wouldn't want me there. But if he's okay with taking me in, then he would find a way or two to deal with what I need. I would take it kahit ayaw ko sa kaniya. That's still some load off my shoulders and Mommy's.

"Hindi na kita kayang alagaan—"

"I'm not an infant." Mukha pa ba akong alagain? "Oo o hindi lang naman, Dad—"

"I am way too busy—"

I just want answers. I don't even need him to explain it. Nakakairita lang na puro siya paliwanag, pero hindi siya makasagot nang deretso. "Were you not busy enough before so you had time to make another family behind Mommy's back?"

Natigilan siya roon. I don't take my eyes off him. If he feels disrespected, kulang pa 'yan. I don't know how he's expecting me to react when he stands up, hands on his hips, and towers over me.

What? Should I quiver in fear? Should I rush to say sorry?

Is that how your mother raised you?"

He really, really should have just said no.

"Magrereklamo ho ba kayo kung oo?" Mabibilang yata sa daliri sa dalawang kamay kung ilang beses kaming nag-usap. It's his fault that this conversation turned this way. He can't badmouth Mommy, even indirectly, and get away with it easily. "Ang kapal naman ng mukha niyo kung ganun."

I had a hunch that this was a bad idea. He never even greeted me on my birthdays. I should have never expected anything, should have never expected to be treated differently now. Kasi bakit? He's living comfortably treating me like this, so bakit niya babaguhin?

"Sorry for the surprise visit," I add, because apparently, I can only fucking see him on an appointment basis. But we both don't have to worry about that now. I don't see any more reason to see him again. "Please don't contact me kahit kailan."

I don't like that Mommy's leaving in a few days tapos nag-away pa kami, but maybe I need that because it's a reminder that I don't have to deal with the consistent wondering. I can just ask. People can just tell me. I know the answers would not always be favorable. I know they can hurt, but at least, I'm no longer stuck at just not knowing.

And from there . . . I can finally make a choice na sigurado akong magiging masaya ako.

I head out, not waiting for his response. The person manning the elevator keeps eyeing me because I keep on heaving deep breaths on my way to the ground floor. Every step away from the hospital tower feels like something pressing down on my chest, forcing my heart to squeeze its way into my throat so it can escape and breathe more properly.

I don't know why I was shaking when I got inside my car—maybe from the frustration, from the anger, or from the sadness underneath all these layers of rage trying to break its way to the top. I don't spend another idle second at the parking lot and rush to get back on the road. I no longer want to waste time on someone na parang kailangan ko pang ipagsiksikan ang sarili ko.

Kasi puwede namang hindi ganun.

Masyado nang late when I arrive home. When I go in, may pagkain lang sa dining table na may takip, but I keep it inside the fridge because I no longer feel like eating. Tulog na siguro si Auntie Mel sa kuwarto niya.

I head upstairs, softly knock on the door to Mommy's room, and when she doesn't respond, I turn open the knob as quietly as I can. Hindi nagla-lock si Mommy ng pinto. Gising siya when I go in, kaalis lang ng nakataklob na blanket sa katawan at nakahiga pa sa kama, like she was about to get the door before I came in. The lamp on her bedside table is on, and I can clearly see her forehead creasing while she's squinting her eyes at me.

"Juli?" she asks, voice hoarse. I don't say anything. I remove my socks, put them in her laundry basket, and go to the other side of the bed.

She doesn't ask anymore when I lay down beside her.

She just moves to make space for me, then shares with me her blanket to keep me warm.

* * *

Mommy's side of the bed is empty when I wake up, but the blinds on her windows are pulled up, letting some sun in. I get up to turn the alarm on my phone off. Paglabas ko ng kuwarto ni Mommy, saktong nakasalubong ko si Auntie Mel na mukhang kagagaling lang sa kuwarto ko.

"Anong oras ka dumating?" she asks. "D'yan ka natulog?"

"Yes po," I answer, wiping the side of my eyes and my mouth with my fingers. Hindi ko masagot kung ano'ng oras na ako nakauwi dahil late na late na. "Maliligo na po ako, papasok po ako ngayon e."

"Bilisan mo at kumain ka sa baba pagkatapos. Hindi ka na kumain kagabi, 'no?"

I just nod. Napaiwas ako nang umamba siyang hahampasin ng walis ang mga binti ko. "Ikaw na bata ka. Ayusin mo nga dahil mahirap kapag nagkasakit ka. Wala na tayong doktor dito parehas."

That makes me laugh a little. She lets me go to my room after repeating her short lecture. Sumunod ako sa utos niya because she has a point. Ayaw ko rin namang magkasakit dahil hassle.

I have my breakfast downstairs before heading to the office. Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Nel pauwi dahil parehas kaming naghahabol ng hours. Maghihiwalay na kami sa parking lot nang biglang tumawag si Eri. Sa loob na ng sasakyan ko yun sinagot. "Hello?"

"Free ka?" she asks, not even bothering to return my greeting. Puro gala 'tong si Eri, like she's never running out of energy kahit antukin ang boses niya. It explains why she has so many friends. It makes me wonder if keeping up with that big of a roster isn't tiring her.

Wala naman akong gagawin sa bahay. Ang gusto ni Mommy ay sa Sabado pa kami lumabas kung matutuloy man kaming dalawa, before she leaves for her flight the next day, so I'm free the whole weekday. "Yes," I answer, propping my phone on its holder so I can pull out of the parking slot. "Where are we going?"

"Sunduin mo muna ako, please?"

Naitigil ko tuloy sandali ang sasakyan. The parking lot is almost empty, and no one else is leaving, so hinayaan ko na kahit tagilid pa ang sasakyan at hindi pa nailalabas nang ayos. Medyo malayo kasi yung office nina Eri. I really don't mind picking her up, but I'm not sure anong oras ako makakarating doon. "Saan?"

"Sa may station lang. Para sabay na tayo? Nag-aya si Sab sa kanila e."

That makes me nod. Malapit lang pala. "Okay."

"Pasok na lang ako rito sa may food court, tapos call mo 'ko?"

"Okay."

"Okay," she says, laughing dahil ginagaya niya yung tono ko.

"Bakit nag-aya si Sab?" I ask. I hope it's not about me leaving, because given recent events, may chance naman na hindi yun matuloy. Sana.

And I also hope it's not about forcing Chio and me to make up. I don't want to force him into anything. He can continue being angry for as long as he wants to, kung hanggang kailan yung kailangan niya para maging okay ulit. It's not like he needs my approval, but it's really fine by me.

"Ewan ko ro'n," Eri answers. "Nag-text lang sa 'kin na kung gusto ko raw pumunta sa kanila, punta raw ako."

That explains why I didn't know about it. Wala kasi sa group chat.

Nagpaalam na ako kay Eri because I want to focus on driving. Twenty minutes din bago ko siya na-pick up, kaya mabuti na lang at mabilis na yung biyahe papunta kina Sab after namin malagpasan yung napakadaming stoplights on the way to her house. Jass' car is parked right outside their gate, so I drop Eri off first then drive around the block and park somewhere else. Naglakad na lang ako pabalik.

Eri left the gates open, and I closed them on my way inside. I count the pairs of shoes on the rack by the door while I'm taking off mine. There are two sneakers—yung isa, kay Jass, at yung isa, kay Chio. His socks are black and orange polka dots today at nakasuksok pa roon sa loob.

I stop and stare to recount because there are three more pairs of footwear—yung flats ni Eri, a pair of strappy sandals, and then a pair of black pumps. I don't think they're Sab's. Sa loob ng dalawang taon na kaibigan ko siya, I have never seen her wear those type of sandals, or pumps that have heels that height. Baka kay Gracey yung isa at kasama siya ni Jass, but what about the other one? I don't think that those are Eri's shoes na naiwan lang dito because those don't seem her size.

I put my beside Eri's, then I knocked on the door before going in. May naririnig akong mga tawanan kanina noong nasa labas ako, and then they come to a halt when I arrive. Sab stops hitting Chio, na nakahiga na sa couch and is shielding himself with both his arms, with the throw pillow she's holding. Gracey says hi to me while munching on grapes from the small bowl placed on her lap. The answer to my question on who owns the black pumps outside is answered when I see who's sitting beside her on the floor.

It's her friend. Si Leigh. Baka kasama ni Gracey, tapos sinama na ni Jass papunta rito. Napalingon ako kay Jass na nakaupo sa kabilang couch, nakapuwesto sa may likuran ng girlfriend niya. Umiinom siya ng juice at inialok pa sa 'kin yung basong iniinuman niya.

Eri appears from the hall to the right. "Kain muna tayo, Julibear. Inunahan na yata tayo ng mga 'to e."

I nod at Eri before letting my eyes roam in the living room again. Chio's eyes look better now, but I'm not sure because I do not allow myself to look at him for too long dahil baka hindi niya magustuhan.

"Hello," mahina kong bati dahil natahimik sila Sab.

Saglit ko lang nahuli ang tingin ni Sab, because she keeps on glancing at Chio na kabiruan niya kanina. She grabs a glass from the living room table na itinulak nila palapit sa TV, probably to make more room para makaupo sina Gracey sa sahig, at sinalinan ang sarili niya ng juice galing sa pitsel na naroon. I was about to head to the kitchen dahil tinatawag na ako ni Eri na nauna na when I notice Chio looking around as if searching for something.

I glue my feet on my spot when I see him getting his backpack off the floor sa likod ng couch, na baka naligaw roon kung kanina pa sila nagkukulitan ni Sab dito. He taps Sab on the shoulder after he opens his bag na parang tsinetsek yun before he zips it close. Sab looks like she wants to say something, but she wants to check if I'm listening, and unfortunately for her, I'm watching kaya huling-huli ko siya. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin sa 'kin.

There's a familiar weight that latches onto my chest, pulling me down to sink on the carpeted floor. The realization dawned on me so quickly that I wasn't able to cushion the fall when my heart dropped to my stomach.

"P're, alis na 'ko," mahinang sabi ni Chio kay Jass pero rinig naman dahil mahina lang ang TV. Jass looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"Wag na," sabi ko kahit hindi naman ako ang kinakausap. They all look at me except for Chio, who visibly stiffens upon hearing my voice. I swallow the lump in my throat. "Ako na."

It's like he didn't hear what I just said, at mukhang may balak pa magdere-deretso palabas kaya inunahan ko na. I open the door and sit on the way to put on my shoes, and I don't look over my shoulders knowing that Chio's right behind me, holding the door. Kusang sumasara ang pinto nina Sab, and the only explanation for why the door hasn't hit my back or hip is because someone is keeping it open.

"Pumasok ka na, Ju," rinig kong sabi ni Sab. It's quickly followed with Eri yelling from the kitchen, calling out my name at nagrereklamong gutom na. I block the door with my body when Chio tries to step outside. Ako na nga ang aalis. Ang kulit.

"O? Ano'ng nangyayari?" That's Eri's voice. I slip in my sneakers after putting on my socks. Mabuti na lang at hindi ko inalis ang pagkakasintas n'un kanina. Maluwag pa, pero hinayaan ko na lang. Sa kotse ko na aayusin ang pagsuot. I just need to get out of here.

I turn around when I stand, only letting myself look at Chio for a second bago ideretso ang mga mata ko kay Eri. Ako ang naghatid sa kaniya rito, so I need her to know that I can't drive her home. Sana maihatid siya ni Jass, or maisakay man lang ni Sab. "Aalis na 'ko."

I glance at Sab who's standing just behind Chio. "Sorry."

Eri's eyebrows furrow. Lumabas siya ng bahay ni Sab nang nakapaa lang, quickly holding onto my arm and stopping me from leaving. "Ha? Saan ka pupunta?" Napalingon siya kay Chio na dinampot na rin ang sapatos niya sa rack. Ang kulit talaga. Hindi na lang makinig. "Ano'ng nangyayari? Sa'n ka rin pupunta?"

I want to grab Chio's shoes from his hands and throw it over the gate papunta sa kapitbahay dahil putang ina, bakit ba hindi marunong makinig? Ako na nga yung aalis!

Sab pulls on Chio's sleeve, throwing him off balance kaya napaupo siya roon sa may pinto. Sumilip na rin si Jass sa labas, confused. Gusto kong matawa because this is like a fucking rerun of what happened when Jass and I broke up. Ang gulo-gulo.

And what's the common denominator?

Who's the common denominator?

Ako.

Maybe Mommy's plans are just right. I need to leave. Maybe this little group would be better off without me. I'll get over it or I won't, pero ano ngayon? Either way, removing me from the equation would do everyone around here good.

I look Jass in the eye. "Pahatid na lang si Eri. Uuwi na ako."

My arm stings when Eri tries to pull me again, nakakalmot na ako ng mga kuko niya. "Ba't ka uuwi? Kakain tayo! Nakahain na ako!"

I try my best to be gentle when I remove her hold on me. "Sorry. Message mo na lang ako kung gusto mong mag-dinner next time."

"Ba't next time? E ngayon na nga!"

"Sab doesn't want me here," deretsa kong sagot na ikinatigil niya. Even Chio who's trying to peel Sab's hold on him pauses. Nakailang kurap si Sab sa 'kin at hindi kayang tagpuin ang mga mata ko nang lingunin ko siya. Maybe no one around here expected me to speak, sanay nang tahimik ako.

It now makes sense. Kaya nandito rin si Jass, saka itong si Chio, kasi nasabihan silang parehas. T-in-ext din siguro kagaya ni Eri.

I didn't receive an invite.

Kaya tumahimik sila nang bigla akong pumasok. Because I'm not supposed to be here.

Maybe it's my fault to assume na automatic yung invite sa 'kin. Pero akala ko kasi talaga, okay lang. As far as I know, wala kaming problema ni Sab. Last time sa bahay nina Eri, okay naman kami. Maybe I'm still too dense, or baka tama si Mommy na wala pa rin naman talaga akong pakialam sa ibang tao kasi hindi ko naman naramdaman na ganito na pala—na may problema na, na may pilian na, may kampihan na. Hindi ako marunong makiramdam.

It's fine, really. I think it's childish, but does my opinion matter? I also agree na kung may ganito ngang mangyayari, Chio can take the friends. Kaniya na lahat.

I grew up with no friends, anyway. Hindi na bago if I would lose all of them. I would know how to deal with it.

Maybe this had to happen, and it's a good thing that this happened early para masabi ko kay Mommy before her flight na wala naman palang kailangang pag-isipan pa sa mga plano niya. Na puwede nang ituloy. Na wala nang kailangang i-reconsider.

But, god, I wish this didn't happen this way. Grabe rin pala yung pakiramdam na bigla mong mare-realize na no one wants you around. Na you're not welcome.

And that's probably the reason why I was alone for a really long time. It's not because I don't like people. It's just because I'm not welcome anywhere.

I know how to show myself out. Hindi ko nga pinagsiksikan yung sarili ko kay Dad. I just wish they told me. They could have simply told me! Makikinig naman ako. Ibibigay ko naman kung ano'ng gusto nila.

"Ano?" Eri asks. I move away when she tries to grab my arm again. Lumingon siya kay Sab. "Ano ba 'yan?!"

"Sabi ko kasi kay Chio wala siya," Sab answers as if I'm not there.

"Uuwi na nga ako," bubulong-bulong na sabi ni Chio habang nagmamadaling magsintas.

"Pumasok na nga kayong lahat," Jass says, tapping Chio on the shoulder who's just ignoring him. I look away when Jass glances up at me. "Juli, pasok na kasi . . . Awat na kayo."

"Bakit bawal siya rito?" Eri retorts, the volume of her voice a little higher than usual.

"Kino-consider ko lang naman 'yung feelings ni Chio—"

"E friend natin siya, di ba? Si Leigh nga hindi pero nand'yan sa loob—!"

I was about to turn around, ready to walk away from all their noise, when it was Sab's turn to shout. "'Yan! Gan'yan ka e!"

Napatigil ako. Sab doesn't raise her voice, at least not to Eri. The two of them became friends first before our group started to form, at silang dalawa ang hindi ko maalalang nag-away kahit kailan. I have noticed that Eri's more sensitive with her words kapag si Sab ang kausap niya, and Sab is way more patient with Eri than with anyone else.

Even Chio who seems ready to stand and leave stopped, umangat ang tingin kay Sab na parang nabigla rin. Kung siya, hindi nagagalit, si Sab, hindi nagagalit kay Eri.

This . . . this is new. And it's not something good.

And I caused it.

"Gan'yan ka!" mariing dagdag ni Sab. "Wala ka kasing konsiderasyon sa feelings ng iba e!"

We all fall silent after.

That's . . . that's a really heavy blow. Where did that come from?

I don't want to see how it ends, so I force myself to look away and walk out even after seeing Eri's tears threatening to fall. Nagmamadali akong naglakad palabas, and I was about three houses away from Sab's when I heard Chio yelling from behind me. "Ju!"

I ignore him. I don't know what he wants from me, but I'm not coming back there. Bahala siya kung aalis din siya kahit sinabi ko nang siya ang maiwan doon. I don't have the energy to argue with him. I just want to go home.

"Ju naman," parang pagigil pa niyang sabi nang maabutan ako, grabbing my arm but dropping it right after he got my attention, like the touch burned his hand. "'Wag ka nang umalis."

I am now able to see his eyes more clearly, and seeing how he seems to have slept well and has stopped being stupid and crying over me somehow lifted a load off my chest. What I saw earlier, how I felt when he quickly readied his things when I arrive, yung pasimple nilang senyasan ni Sab na aalis na siya kasi nandoon na ako . . . it still stings. Pero knowing that he's making progress, that he's getting better, somehow soothes that ache.

"Sa'n ka ba pupunta?" he asks through gritted teeth when I continue walking when he doesn't say more.

Hindi ba't nasabi ko na kanina? "I'm leaving."

"Ako na nga kasi."

I stop walking and face him. His frustration shows in his eyes, pero that's on him kasi hindi ko naman kasalanan kung bakit pinahihirapan niya ang sarili niya. Ano ba'ng hindi malinaw sa mga sinabi ko? It's Sab's house and he's the one who's invited. Even if we don't involve our issues, kahit nga okay kami, it's very clear what decision to make here—hindi naman kailangang pahabain ang usapan.

"I'm leaving," I repeat, slower this time. "'Wag ka nang sumunod. Bumalik ka na ro'n."

"Sinabing ako na nga—"

My keys stab my palm when I ball my hand into a fist. "Ano ba, ha?" It doesn't feel right to speak to him this way, lalo na't ako yung may atraso pa, pero 'tang ina, sobrang kulit niya! "Dito ka nga lang. Aalis ako. Think of this as practice if that would make it easier."

I see how his frustration drops, and how it's quickly replaced with the same look on his face that he had that Thursday night when I told him no. I quickly turn my back on him, despite knowing that it's useless because there's no way to erase in my head how I dimmed the light on his eyes; I'll keep recalling it later tonight, soaking in the memory until I'm full of guilt the next morning when I wake up.

* * *

I don't know what happened with Sab and Eri's argument. I have no idea if Chio came back to Sab's house noong iniwan ko siya roon sa gitna ng daan. Jass messaged me a few minutes before I got home, asking kung nakauwi na ako na ni-reply-an ko lang na oo after I changed clothes in my room. He doesn't say anything about what happened, and I don't ask because this time, I don't really mind not knowing. Kaya wala akong idea kung ano na ang sunod na nangyari.

Our group chat is quiet. Walang nagme-message ni isa. I want to message Eri and check on her, but I don't know what words to use or what the right things are to say kaya pinag-isipan ko muna yung maigi buong araw. Hanggang sa makauwi na ako ulit, pero hindi ko pa rin siya name-message.

I'm not sure how she would handle having a fight with Sab, dahil baka nga una nila 'to. I don't want to get it wrong dahil baka mamaya sa akin niya maibunton, or I would just end up making her feel worse. So, I don't contact her and just remind myself to make sure to check on her sometime this week.

I was about to message Eri on Thursday when a notification popped up. It's a message from Sab, breaking the two-day silence in our group chat. Nag-aaya siya outside, and she tags us all on her message so I'm sure na I'm invited. Maybe it's out of courtesy lang, but at least she's explicitly saying na okay lang sa kaniyang kasama ako. I wonder if okay na sila ni Eri because she's tagged, too.

It's not surprising na si Jass lang ang nag-reply, confirming his attendance. Isasama niya raw sina Gracey at Leigh, pero puwede pa raw siyang magsabay ng isa pa kung merong may gusto. He proceeds to tag both Eri and Chio, probably assuming na may dala akong sasakyan today.

I didn't feel like driving this morning kaya nag-book lang ako papasok. Nagpaiwan ako kina Pearl sa guard on our way out dahil hindi ko pa alam kung sasama ako kina Sab. What Sab did to me hurt, but she had a point. Hindi naman masama to be considerate of Chio's feelings, and maybe she invited him first so she had to prioritize him. I don't know if Chio's coming today, but I think it's safer for me na 'wag na lang pumunta. Just in case.

I use Sab's invite as an excuse to message Eri. I asked her if she was going, and not even one minute later, my phone was already ringing with her call. "Hello?"

"Pupunta ka?" she asks.

I was going to be honest and say no, but an idea came to mind. "Ikaw?"

"Kung pupunta ka, pupunta ako."

Natahimik ako. Well, shit. I was only going to offer to drive her there, para sana magkaayos sila ni Sab kung sakaling hindi pa sila okay, pero hindi yung sasama pa ako. I didn't tell her agad that I have no plans of going dahil ang nasa isip ko, baka makumbinsi siyang gumaya sa desisyon ko.

But I still think it's partly my fault that she and Sab got into a fight, so I have to find a way to fix the two of them up, or at least help them make up. I sigh. "Okay. Sabay tayo? But wala akong dalang sasakyan."

I meet Eri halfway in a fast food branch, tapos nag-commute ulit kami papunta sa meeting place. She's not saying anything about Sab, so I don't bring it up. As much as I want to return what she did for me when we talked about Chio, hindi ko magawa dahil hindi ko naman alam kung paano. I'm just hoping that she knows she can talk to me if she needs someone to listen.

Jass is already at the buffet and bar place when we arrive, katabi si Gracey na katabi si Leigh. Napatayo si Sab from her chair when Eri and I arrive, and I'm not sure where to sit but she gestures for me to take the spot beside her kaya sumunod ako. Gusto ko sanang sila ni Eri ang magkatabi, but Eri sits beside me kaya napagitnaan ko silang dalawa.

I'm not exactly angry at Sab. Again, I understand why she didn't invite me last Tuesday, kahit na medyo mahapdi to stand there and slowly understand that I'm not wanted there. I also don't mind kahit hindi namin pag-usapan yun.

Ang akin, we're fine. If she wants to be friends, then we're friends. Kung ayaw niya, if she decides that Chio needs him more and it's insensitive to his feelings if we maintain our relationship, maiintindihan ko. I would just really appreciate it kung sasabihin sa 'kin nang deretsa.

Jass is more talkative than usual, trying to keep the atmosphere light because there's something off in the air dahil magkaaway pa nga yata sina Sab and Eri. Siya ang unang bumati kay Chio nang dumating ito.

I keep my eyes on my empty plate and hear Chio pulling the chair beside Eri to sit. I hear him talking to Eri as if nothing happened a few days ago, and before I can eavesdrop, niyaya na ako ni Sab na kumuha ng food. So, I guess she and I are okay.

"Kumain ka pa," sabi sa 'kin ni Eri, suddenly appearing beside me after I left the table to look for more food. Nag-uusap naman kami sa table—or sila, dahil wala naman akong input. Eri and Sab are obviously still trying to avoid each other, while yung amin ni Chio, hindi na kailangang pag-usapan.

I'm pretty sure that Jass would be exhausted after this. Siya na lang kasi ang walang kaaway sa 'min e. Sana hindi sila mag-away ni Gracey para lagi niyang dala kapag may nag-aaya tapos hindi pa okay sina Sab at Eri. It's good that she's here with Leigh, hindi natatahimik yung table at nababawasan ang awkwardness kahit papaano.

"Paano uuwi kung iinom tayo?" tanong ni Sab kay Jass dahil si Jass yung nag-suggest. Kasama rin naman kasi sa binayaran yung unli-alcohol.

"'Wag naman kasi yung inom na hindi na makakauwi," Jass replies, laughing. "Yung sakto lang. Kaya naman tatlo sa backseat ko. Yung iba, kay Ju?" He glances at me, asking.

I shake my head. "Wala akong dalang sasakyan. Hindi na lang ako iinom."

"O, pa'no 'yan? Hindi ka na rin, Chio? Para sina Eri at Sab na lang dagdag na ihahatid ko?"

"Puwede naman ako kahit kaunti, magpapasundo na lang ako sa pinsan ko," Chio says.

I text Mommy and Auntie that I'm out with my friends at baka gabihin ako nang kaunti before I keep my phone in my bag. Gusto ko ngang magpaalam na uuwi na, but there's a chance na my friends would read it wrong at gumawa na naman ng issue so I decide to stay. Besides, baka isipin pa n'ung isang makulit na I'm leaving because he's here, tapos magpumilit na naman na siya na lang ang aalis. Pagsisimulan lang ulit ng away, so I just busy myself with food habang umiinom sila. Para rin may katulong mamaya si Jass na hindi rin iinom dahil siya ang magmamaneho.

The alcohol somehow loosened up Eri, kaya nagsisimula na rin siyang dumaldal after a few shots. She has this thing where she sounds more serious and awake when the alcohol kicks in, so I stand guard just in case maisipan niyang biglang magsalita about her fight with Sab, who's the opposite at maligalig kapag nalalasing.

Chio's unusually quiet. Ikinain ko na lang ang kaba na baka bigla rin siyang magsalita. Na baka mamaya, bigla siyang magkaroon ng idea to just confront me about what happened last Thursday, or about what happened a few days ago noong nag-away sina Sab at Eri. Bukod sa hindi naman magbabago lahat ng sasabihin ko sa kaniya, I just don't want him to think about it anymore, kahit pa lasing siya, knowing that it would hurt him. He had cried enough. It doesn't seem like he's drinking much, though, kahit na sinabi niyang magpapasundo naman siya, kaya sana hindi talaga mangyari 'tong mga iniisip ko.

"Mami-miss kita," Eri suddenly blurts out, leaning her head against my shoulder. I don't say anything.

Napaayos ako ng upo when Sab does the same, but lays her head against the side of mine dahil mas matangkad siya sa 'kin. Mahihirapan siyang abutin ng ulo niya ang balikat ko. "Mami-miss din kita, Ju. Paano na kami? Mawawalan na ng matalino sa 'min."

Jass laughs. "Sakit mo."

Eri points a finger at him. "Mas matalino si Julibear sa 'yo!" At least, may napagkasunduan sila ni Sab tonight. I really hope they patch things up soon.

"Sa'n ka pupunta?" Leigh asks. I'm not sure if it's because she's aware na may tension sa group and she and Gracey are helping Jass and also trying to ease it out, pero ang lakas nilang uminom. It's like they don't even pause, so I can't imagine how Jass would handle these two girls on his own.

"Mag-e-airplane siya pa-Spain," Sab answers, slurring. Inangat niya saglit ang ulong nakapatong sa 'kin, only to drop it again on the same spot. "Iiwan niya na kami."

"Ay, weh?" Leigh's eyes widen. "Bakit?"

"Gawa ng mommy niya. Iiwan niya tuloy kami," sagot ni Eri. I'm not sure if she's crying, but I hear her sniff. "Iiwan niya na kami . . ."

I don't know what happened. Maya-maya lang, nag-iiyakan na yung apat na babae—even Leigh and Gracey na, honestly, hindi ko naman ka-close. Jass wraps an arm around his girlfriend, at siya na rin tuloy ang nag-remind sa kanila na next year pa naman ako aalis. I don't bother saying anything about the possibility na I can stay here—pagpapaliwanagin din kasi ako, e I'm reserving my energy for when I have to commute home later. I'll tell them when they're sober, para less questions at hindi sila lahat mahirap kausap.

Napalingon ako saglit kay Chio. Nakahalumbaba lang siya sa puwesto niya, looking at the opposite wall, so I can't read his eyes and try to infer what he's thinking. Hindi ko na pinroblema dahil occupied din naman ako sa dalawang babaeng umiiyak habang pinaghihilahan ang mga braso ko. I'm pretty sure the side that Sab is pulling on is going to feel so sore tomorrow when I wake up.

Hindi ko na namalayan when they shifted the topic. Napunta sa something na they're all laughing at, tapos mayamaya lang ay about sa lalaki kaya nawalan ng input si Gracey dahil, obviously, katabi niya ang boyfriend niya.

Leigh snaps her fingers. "Uy. Uy! Alam mo ba?" Pasimple akong napatingin sa gilid dahil parang si Chio yung tinatawag niya. Chio only hums, asking. "Crush kaya kita!"

Parang dinampot ko yung malking tub ng ice sa buffet, tapos binuhos ko sa sarili ko. Eri shushes her, and my heart picks up its pace dahil akala ko, sasawayin niya si Leigh or may masasabi siyang hindi dapat.

Nagkatinginan pa kami saglit ni Jass. I'm sure he has an idea because it's impossible that he doesn't know why Sab didn't invite me, and why Chio was so eager to leave when I arrived at Sab's house. Napagkukuwentuhan naman nila, I'm sure. He immediately gestures to a staff after breaking eye contact, requesting for our bill.

Leigh's not finished, yet. "Kaso akala ko, may something kayo nito e," she says, then points to me with her mouth. "Kaya hindi ako nagsasabi. Akala ko talaga meron, pero wala ba?"

Eri shakes my arm, making Sab take her head off na nakasandal sa 'kin dahil siguro'y nakakahilo. Eri whispers to my ear, asking me to walk her to the restroom. I push my chair back and offer her my arm para makatayo siya. I need to get out of here before this gets more awkward, anyway.

"Ako na muna, sa 'kin na lang kayo magbayad. Para makaalis na tayo," Jass says, halatang nagmamadali rin to take his wallet out of his pocket and drop his card on the payment tray when our bill arrives.

"Uy! Wala ba?" Leigh asks, leaning over the table. She waves a hand in front of me, trying to get my attention, when Chio doesn't answer, like she has no plans to let this topic go. "Ju—Juli, wala ba? Pa-confirm naman o."

Hindi rin ako sumagot. I'm thankful that Sab's already half-asleep kaya hindi na siya dumadagdag sa usapan. Gracey already has her head tilted back, nakasandal ang katawan kay Jass at nakapikit na. I continue ignoring Leigh and just walk Eri to the restroom, and then walk her back to our table when she's done.

Unfortunately, when we come back, Leigh isn't done, yet. Crush na crush yata talaga si Chio kaya walang balak na tigilan hanggang hindi siya nakakakuha ng sagot. I don't blame her. "Wala ba talagang something? Kasi aamin na akong crush kita."

It's a mistake to look at Chio because I meet his eyes when I'm trying to get Eri to sit properly on her chair. Umiwas din naman siya agad, but a second of locking our gazes is enough to make my heartbeats ring in my head.

Instead of answering Leigh, he merely stands. "Sakay mo na si Gracey, tapos ako na kay Sab. Hihintayin ko na pinsan ko sa baba, on the way na," he tells Jass.

"Puwedeng sa 'yo na lang ako sumabay? Sa 'yo? Sa pinsan mo?" Leigh asks. I keep myself busy by searching Eri's phone on her para mai-text ko si Kuya Aron na si Jass ang mag-uuwi sa kaniya, but my ears won't stop listening. It won't stop waiting for what Chio has in response to Leigh's questions. "Please? Please? Magmu-move on na ako after, promise."

"Isabay mo na kaya?" parang nag-aalangang tanong ni Jass. I ignore it when I notice in my peripherals that he throws me a glance. "Para maisabay ko si Ju. Hindi kasi kakasya kung sa 'kin lahat."

"'Wag mo na 'kong isabay," kontra ko kay Jass. Hassle dahil iba ang daan. Upon realizing that Chio might take it the wrong way—baka isipin niyang ayaw kong sumabay kay Jass para hindi sa kaniya sumabay si Leigh—I look at him and clarify, "Pero ikaw, isabay mo na si Leigh. Ikaw bahala."

Chio purses his lips. I can't read him; his eyes are blank. I'm not sure if he's drunk because I don't know how much he had. Hindi ko naman siya pinanood the whole night.

His nod to my direction is firm, before he shifts his gaze to Leigh na nag-aabang pa rin ng sasabihin niya. "Okay. Sa 'kin ka na sumabay."

"Wala nga kayong anything?" Leigh asks, itinuturo ang daliri pabalik-balik sa 'ming dalawa ni Chio. My fucking god. Hindi na ako pupunta kung mag-iinom tapos kasama 'tong babaeng to. I have no problems with her pero, god, kung nandito lang yung clipboard niya, baka naihampas ko na sa ulo niya just to knock her out and keep her quiet. Isasabay na nga siya ng crush niya. Dapat natutuwa na lang siya at hindi na nagtatanong ng kung ano-ano.

"Wala," Chio answers swiftly, and my grip on Eri's arm slips a little. "Tara na. Sumabay ka na pababa."

"Ikaw, Ju?" Jass asks.

"Magko-commute na lang ako," sagot ko. I don't look at Chio who's now standing so close to me because he's trying to wake Sab up.

"Ihahatid na kita—"

"It's okay," putol ko sa sassabihin ni Jass. I help Eri get up from her chair after I send a message to her brother. Wala akong problema kay Jass. I just want to be alone so I can hear myself think. "Ibababa ko na si Eri," I volunteer at nauna nang tumalikod sa kanilang lahat para hindi na ako makulit ni Jass tungkol sa paghatid.

Eri's petite and hindi talaga maligalig kapag nalalasing, so I was able to handle her with ease. Naririnig ko si Sab na may sinasabi kay Chio na umaakay sa kaniya, just a couple steps behind us, but her words aren't clear. There's a familiar man who seems to be waiting for us once we go down the first floor of the commercial building, but I can't recall who he is. Nagkatinginan lang kami saglit dahil pinihit ko na si Eri papunta sa sasakyan ni Jass na nasa kabilang parking slot, at siya naman ay tinawag si Chio, so I'm assuming he's his cousin.

"Can I leave you here?" tanong ko kay Eri na nagkusa na umupo sa car stopper. She just nods, so I rush to help Jass out na nasa magkabilang braso si Gracey na parang inaantok pa, at si Leigh na gising naman pero mukhang nahihilo. Leigh sits beside Eri on her own, habang pinagtulungan namin ni Jass na maiupo si Gracey nang ayos.

Jass sighs, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand bago i-unlock yung sasakyan. I open the door to the backseat, pauunahin na sanang sumakay si Eri, but Chio and his cousin quickly stashes Sab there, pinagtulungan na nilang akayin. I move away so I wouldn't be near him, opening the front seat door at doon inalalayan si Eri papasok.

"Sa 'yo ko sasabay?" Leigh asks nang siya na lang ang matirang nakaupo sa car stopper after Jass and Chio assist Gracey na makaupo sa backseat.

"Oo," Chio answers, offering his hand and arm to help her up. Leigh grins widely. Nasa kabilang sasakyan na ang pinsan ni Chio at bukas na nga ang headlights. They are ready to go.

I peel my eyes off them. Magpapaalam na ako kay Jass when he pulls the door to the backseat open again. "Tara na, Juli. Isasabay na kita. Gabi na e."

"I'm fine," tanggi ko. "I texted Eri's brother. Puwedeng sa inyo na lang muna siya kung hindi mo na kayang ihatid pauwi."

Kakamot-kamot sa ulo si Jass. I know he's just worried, dahil tama naman siya at late na.

I glance at Chio and Leigh's way when they start to walk towards the other car. Chio's holding her by the arm, and Leigh's still grinning when she looks up at him before she lays her head to rest on his shoulder. I know I don't have the right to feel whatever strange emotion is brewing in the depths of my heart, but I feel it anyway.

I look away. "Alis na ako. Tawag ka na lang if may problem," paalam ko kay Jass bago naglakad paalis. I know he caught me watching Chio, pero wala na akong pakialam. I just want to be alone. Parang kanina pa ako hindi makapag-isip with all of them around.

Tinawag pa ako ni Jass, but I don't look back. I walk past Chio who's helping Leigh inside the car, and then head straight for the sidewalk. I'm sure that I would find a taxi kahit na sa kabila pa ako sumakay. Kapag dito pa kasi sa mismong tapat, magpepresinta pa si Jass na hintayin akong makasakay, and he won't stop offering to drive me home. I want my quiet now, so I take the narrow sidewalk even if I don't know where it's heading to. I've never been here before by foot.

The streets aren't quiet, pero at least, mag-isa na lang ako and that somehow brings me comfort. I slow down my steps when I walk past a gasoline station. Nakalayo-layo na rin naman siguro ako mula sa pinanggalingan ko kanina.

I shake my head no to the taxis slowing down to offer me a ride. Mamaya na ako uuwi kapag napagod na akong maglakad.

I was eyeing the nearby convenience store, considering if I should stop and stay there for a while, when I felt a force pulling on my right shoulder. It jolts me awake, and the adrenaline sends my hands to quickly grab my bag and hit with it the person who was pulling on its straps.

Nasapo ni Chio ang dibdib niyang nahampas ko ng bag ko. What the hell? He reaches for my arm, quickly but very carefully, as he doesn't even let his palm lay flat on my skin. He makes sure that it's only the pads of his fingertips that are touching me like it's unsafe for him to hold me, and I don't protest because he's right.

"Ano ba!" hindi ko mapigilang sita. I thought he was someone else! Marami namang tao sa paligid, but I don't know these people, so they don't really help on making me feel safe while I'm walking.

"Sorry, sorry," agap niya, his fingers climbing up and sinking onto my arm, gently stopping me from running away. His hand drops to his side when I retrieve my arm from him for his own safety. "Sorry. Tinawag kasi kita pero hindi mo yata naririnig," pabulong-bulong niyang dagdag.

Tumabi ako sa gilid. Chio looks up at the lamp post just a few steps to our right, and the pale orange light draping against his face turns his eyes a richer shade of brown. I was going to ask what he was doing here, but my words stopped halfway on their way out, and they all stared at him, mesmerized. My hold on the strap of my shoulder bag tightens, keeping my hands occupied and caging them so they won't answer to the urge to reach out, hold his cheeks, and pull him closer so I can get a better and closer look at his beautiful face.

Nakikita ko naman siya. We're exchanging words even if they're not pleasant. He's around, and I know I told myself that having him close is more than enough, but god.

I miss him.

I really, really miss him.

I gather all my words, line them up, and try my best to let them out without them stumbling. "Nasa'n pinsan mo?" I manage to ask. Why is he here? Paano niya ako inabutan? Tumakbo siya? Hindi ba siya nahihilo?

He ignores my question. He looks away when I meet his eyes again, running his fingers through his hair and pushing back his growing waves. They come crashing again near his eyes when he drops his hand to his side. "Uuwi ka na?" he asks.

"Why are you here?"

"Uuwi ka na nga?"

Naitikom ko ang bibig nang lingunin niya ako. It doesn't look like he cares about what I have to say, and I understand. Pero hindi niya yata ako titigilan hanggang hindi ko sinasagot ang tanong niya. I clear my throat and nod. "Yes."

His forehead creases. "Bakit naglalakad ka?"

"I was going to get a taxi." Hindi naman ako maglalakad hanggang bahay.

"Tara na, mag-taxi na tayo."

My eyebrows furrow. "Where's your cousin?" I ask again.

He starts walking ahead and I involuntarily follow. Naghahanap yata ng hindi alanganing puwesto para pumara ng masasakyan. "Ihahatid si Leigh," sagot niya, nakatalikod sa 'kin at dere-deretso lang sa paglalakad.

"Then why are you here?"

"Ihahatid ka."

That halts me in my tracks. He doesn't notice and just continues walking forward with huge strides. I watch his back. He almost stumbles on the huge rock placed in the middle of the sidewalk na parang hindi niya napansin.

What is he doing all this for? I volunteered to be alone. I left.

Bakit pa siya nandito? Bakit pa niya ako hinahabol kahit magkakandarapa na yata siya sa hilo?

He's already by the next lamppost when he notices that I'm not following him. He turns around, and for a moment we just both stand on our spots, looking at each other like we're waiting for some sort of miracle to happen in the distance between us.

My chest feels like it has been hollowed out. Why is he still doing this? He should have stayed inside his cousin's car, napped on his way to his house tapos ay nagpahinga pag-uwi niya. I don't get why he has to give up that comfort—having to walk and chase after me even if his vision is probably spinning right now.

Hindi ko maintindihan, kasi bakit sa 'kin?

Bakit ako?

Whatever he saw in me couldn't have been that good for him to go out of his way and do all these things. Maybe he didn't even see anything and he's just imagining things. Namamalikmata lang siguro siya. Baka napuwing. And I thought I finally opened his eyes when I rejected him, na ganun nga yung nangyari, na he got this all wrong, pero parang wala siyang pakialam.

I bite the insides of my quivering lower lip when he starts walking his way back to me. He keeps on running his hands through his hair, andI'm not sure if it's only because the ends of his hair are pricking his eyelids or sadyang masakit na ang ulo niya at ayaw lang niyang ipahalata o magsabi.

He sighs when he stops in front of me. His eyes glisten, and the cross necklace hanging on his neck glimmers when someone's headlights pass by our area.

"Ano?" he asks, almost whispering. "Tara na."

He's tired. He's so tired.

So I don't get why he's not stopping.

Is this just his way of making me feel worse? Is this his way of not letting me get over the guilt?

Kasi okay na. Oo na nga. I won't stop feeling bad about this.

But I need him to stop. I need him to put his heart to rest.

Is that an unfair trade to ask? I don't mind carrying this guilt forever, but I need him to be okay. I want him to get back to the way he was before he made the mistake of thinking that I was the right person to serve his heart on a platter.

"Bakit ba, Chio?"

His jaw ticks. He runs a hand again through his hair, then wipes a palm across his face na parang nagpipigil ng kung ano. He turns his back on me for a second and sighs based on the rising and falling os hif shoulders, bago ako harapin ulit. "Uuwi na nga tayo. Sasabayan na kita."

"Pero bakit nga?"

"Puta, ano bang 'bakit'?" mariin pero mababa niyang tanong. He takes a step backward and then turns his back on me again. Am I wearing his patience thin? I probably am.

My wrist burns when he faces me to reach for it and pulls me with him. "Halika na nga. 'Wag ka na kasing makulit."

Three steps forward, and I don't know what I'm crying for. Kung yun bang paghawak niya sa 'kin na parang pakiramdam ko ay ang tagal-tagal na niyang hindi ginagawa, if it's his mere presence, or if my tears came from soaking up his frustration and exhaustion that radiates out of him. I retrieve my hand from him to wipe away the tears rolling down my cheeks; I find the opportunity to do so when he looks over his shoulders and his grip on me loosens when he sees me crying and his eyes widen.

It's my time to turn my back on him when my tears just won't stop. I search my pockets for my handkerchief but settle with just my hands when I can't find it. Sinubukan kong umiwas when he circles to face me, but he backs me to a corner of a closed shop and doesn't allow me to hide my crying face from his view. He pulls something out of the back pocket of his jeans, his handkerchief, and then hands it to me.

I can't bring myself to take it. Bakit? What right do I have? E anoong siya nga ang umiiyak, wala naman akong nagawa para sa kaniya. I just watched. I made it happen.

Tapos ito, sarili na lang niyang luha ang pupunasan, uunahin niya pa yung akin.

"Tama na kasi," he whispers like he's begging. I don't get why he won't rest when it even shows in his voice that he's so tired. I'm doing what I can to allow him to do it, pero parang lagi niyang tinatanggihan. "Tama na. Tara na."

I look up at him. He blinks quickly as if he doesn't want to get caught in my stare. "Did I not just hurt you?" I just really don't get it, and I want to understand! I know he's kind, but he's not immune to getting hurt—kahit pa putang inang sabihin na para siyang santo kung magpatawad!

"Hindi ba masakit, Chio, ha? Hindi ba masakit yung ginawa ko?"

"Tama na nga—"

"Bakit hindi ka na lang sumagot—?!"

"Siyempre, masakit!" he shouts, shocking me with the volume of his voice that I choke on my own sobs. He immediately steps back and turns his back on me again, both hands on his head like he wants to pull it off his neck and throw it out there in the busy traffic. Parang kinuha ng sasaglit niyang pagsigaw na yun ang lahat ng lakas niya, and it seems like he's barely keeping it together when he drops his arms to his side weakly when he turns to face me again.

"Siyempre, masakit," he repeats in a lower voice, taking a step closer to me, making it easier for his words to make it inside my head and echo in there. "'Tang ina, masakit, okay? Masakit. Gusto kita e, kaya pucha, paanong hindi sasakit? Puwede ba yun, ha?"

I lower my gaze on our shoes when I hear the crack on his voice. "Kasi kung pwede, ituro mo naman sa 'kin kung pa'no o. Para natatapos na 'to! Sabihin mo lang."

My head feels like it's going to burst with all this crying. My heart shatters when my ears register the familiar, awful sound of his sobbing, and the fragments prick me from inside my body. My knees are the first to give in, forcing me to sit on my heels.

Maybe I should kneel in front of him. Tell him sorry. For not wanting to take the leap. For still not understanding why he's doing everything that he's still doing now. For everything.

He burns his handprint on my forearm when he crouches and urges me to stand back up. "Tara na kasi. Kahit dito mo na lang ako 'wag hindian . . . . 'Wag mo na 'kong labananan, please . . . sinukuan ko na nga e . . . ."

I take a step away from him when I stand, just to give myself some room to breathe. He tries to close in our distance, still holding his handkerchief that he's still insisting on giving to me. He only gives up on trying to draw us closer when I gesture my hand for him to stop and stay where he is.

Teka lang muna.

Gusto ko lang mag-isip. Kasi hindi ko talaga maintindihan.

He just said it himself—that I hurt him.

So, ano 'to? Para saan 'to?

Why is he still here?

I did not need to give people reasons to leave me.

Pero siya na binigyan ko, nandito pa rin.

Bakit?

I shake my head to myself, not finding the answers no matter how hard I think about it. It doesn't make any sense! "Kung masakit kasi, bakit nandito ka?"

Nag-uunahan ang mga luha niya, so I don't know kung saan pa ako kumuha ng kapal ng mukha para higitan pa yun nang lumapit siya. He ignores my hand that's warning him to stay away for his own safety, and my palm lands on his chest when he closes our distance and cradles my face on his palms, busying his hand with wiping my tears with his handkerchief na para bang hindi rin siya umiiyak ngayon. I just don't understand how he's capable of doing these.

"E kasi hindi kita matiis, 'tang ina," he says through gritted teeth, pressing his handkerchief on the side of my eye while his other thumb is busy wiping my cheek dry. "Di kita matiis. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi talaga."

I shake my head. I still don't understand! How is that even possible? How does that even fucking work? Maybe it's just the alcohol in his head talking. Maybe he's not thinking straight after all the crying. I do not know what he's talking about.

I just know that despite my best efforts searching my brain for how to deal with it, wala akong mahanap na mga sagot. And it's fucking terrifying. Why the hell do I not know?! How much thinking does this even fucking require so I get all my answers?!

Paanong hindi ako matiis?! That never happens!

Kasi kay Juli, lahat okay lang. Lahat puwede. Puwedeng hindi pansinin, puwedeng hindi kausapin. Puwedeng laging ibilin sa iba, puwedeng hindi batiin kapag birthday. Puwedeng laging iba ang masunod kasi ayaw namang pumili, puwedeng hindi tanungin kung ano'ng gusto. Puwedeng isama kung kailangan, tapos iwan na lang nang basta kung hindi.

Kasi kaya niya. Kasi wala lang yun sa kaniya. Kasi puwedeng siya na lang naman ang bahala sa sarili niya. Kasi parang wala naman siyang pakialam. Kaya lahat puwede.

Puwede namang walang ibigay sa 'kin, kaya hindi ko alam kung paanong hindi niya ako kayang tiisin.

Ni wala nga akong hinihingi kaya hindi ako puwedeng pagdamutan.

Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit bigay pa siya nang bigay.

Now, I don't know what to do! This feels like the first time I'm holding a lot in my hands that have been empty for so long, and I'm not doing a good job. They are heavy and my hands are shaking. It's even more confusing to figure out why the person who's trying to fill in the emptiness is someone I have hurt.

"Tama na, please. Pagod na pagod na 'ko. Umuwi na tayo . . . . 'Wag mo na 'kong labanan."

"Wala ka bang hihingiin sa 'kin?"

Kasi kahit na ano, I swear—kahit ano, ibibigay ko. Does he want me to take a vacation so I would be out of his sight for a while? Fine. Does he want me to let him have our friends for himself? Okay lang. Does he want me to just vanish completely and take myself out of his life? I can do that. Kahit na ano. I just need him to ask. I just need him to tell me kasi hindi ko na kayang manghula.

"Do you not need anything from me?"

Does he not need his heart back? Why would he want me to keep it?

Nakailang kurap siya sa 'kin. He stops drying my cheeks with his handkerchief, reaches for my hand, and forces it on my palm para ako na ang maghawak. Sniffing, he wipes a hand on his face after. "Wala." 

He looks me straight in the eye, shaking his head. "Basta 'wag na 'wag kang magso-sorry."