a/n: thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU so much for waiting 🥹 i was supposed to update this last 12.15 but i failed to complete the last leg of the chapter dahil naipit sa gawain 😔

sorry in advance for the typos, i'll recheck them when i have more time!

restful holidays to all chioaj appreciaters !!! :) <3

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122323 #BYLAMwp Chapter 22

Wala akong Chio na kasama come Friday dahil may Spanish class ako right after clocking out from my internship. Inunahan ko na siya and told him na hindi ko siya mahihintay dahil halos dikit na dikit yung schedule ko before pa siya makapag-offer ng kung anong solution para magkasama kami na for sure ay hassle on his end.

I just replied to his message after my class na tinatanong kung dismissed na kami, just so he knows I'm not ignoring him nor making an excuse not to meet. Why would I not want to see him? I want to look at him all the time.

We are surprisingly doing fine after that awkward conversation about Pearl's comment, except for the rest of the night noong araw na 'yun kasi hindi niya ako kinausap. But, okay naman kami after. He's still speaking with me, eating with me during either breakfast or lunch—whichever is more convenient, or coming with me papunta sa or pauwi galing sa HQ. I don't think that anything has shifted, and I convinced myself to stop thinking about it dahil dito ako napapahamak lagi—sa kaiisip at katatanong (recent exhibit: Pearl).

I have already spent, and still spend, way too much time with Chio so I think it's time that I learn from him and adapt to what he's doing: letting things be. Bahala na. I will figure it out. Or maybe I won't. Hindi ko alam. I will just cross the bridge when I get there. Burn the bridge when it's done.

I would rather deal with the potential mess later than fix things now that aren't broken to begin with which can probably cause more damage. The more important matter is we're okay. We are being normal Chio and Aju and as long as it stays that way, I can loosen up a bit.

I sigh when I get home and see an unwelcome car parked awfully in the garage—di na nga welcome, di pa maayos ang pagkaka-park. Seriously, is there anything he can do right? Pandalawang sasakyan ang garage, but with the way his car is positioned there's no way I can maneuver my vehicle in without hitting one of the posts, or ramming into his car which I frankly don't mind doing if it wouldn't cause equal damage to the car I'm using. I have not laid eyes on him pero paubos na agad ang pasensiya ko after parking at the street in front instead, then rushing papasok sa bahay dahil bawal mag-park doon.

Mukhang nagmamadali rin si Auntie na salubungin ako dahil siya ang bumungad sa 'kin pagbukas ko ng pinto. Mommy's not around yet, so I'm sure Auntie feels the need to arbitrate, pero it's not like I can kick Dad off the couch he's comfortably sitting on, let alone out of the house. She looks at me apologetically before taking my bag—na hindi naman niya kailangang gawin.

"Hindi kita nai-text . . ." bulong niya. I shake my head no. She has nothing to be sorry about. Whether informed naman ako or hindi, walang magbabago sa pakiramdam ko towards Dad being here. I just really don't like him here. "Iakyat ko 'tong bag mo sa kuwarto."

"Thank you po," I reply. I watch her hesitantly walk up the stairs, using those few seconds to compose myself before transferring my gaze to Dad. Hawak niya ang phone niya at may kung anong ginagawa roon. Did not even bother to stand and greet me, or even just to look at me, knowing that this is not his home. The audacity makes my chest tighten in annoyance.

"Can you fix your parking?" sabi ko, trying not to let my voice shake because for some reason, a part of me is still seething in anger whenever he's around. "And what are you doing here?"

Respect is a language I refuse to use when speaking to Dad kahit ilang beses 'yun tinuro ni Mommy. Because, what for, really? "Kakausapin ko ang Mommy mo," he says, not taking his eyes off his phone.

"Move your car." Hindi yata niya kasi naintindihan ang gusto kong mangyari sa una kong sinabi. Whether I like him or not, I need him to adjust his parking dahil bawal ngang magtagal ang sasakyan sa tapat. Hindi niya nga siguro 'yun maintindihan dahil naglalakad siyang perwisyo.

"I'll have dinner here next week."

Fuck.

"I have to park."

He takes his eyes off his phone, slides it into the pocket of his white pants. He stands up and I hate that he towers over me.

He sighs, and then asks, "How are you?"

The question compresses my chest, forcibly squeezing itself in spaces where it isn't welcome. I swallow the lump in my throat. When was the last time he asked me that?

Hindi ko matandaan, so I also do not remember how I answered, if I ever did. What should I talk about? About my internship on a program he was against me taking? About my Spanish class that I am barely surviving? Would he be interested in those?

About my friends na hindi naman niya kilala? About Mommy leaving the country to stay with the person who married her? About me not wanting to leave Auntie Mel here? What? About me hating the fact that I will always have traces of him in me, because that means I will always have parts of me I will never learn to like? Ano? Putang ina, ano?

"I'm—"

His phone pings, and he retrieves it from his pocket as quickly as he cuts me off before I can answer, "I'll pull the car out." Na parang sa dami ng segundong lumipas, talagang ngayon lang niya na-pick up yung sinasabi ko kanina. Kung kailan I'm ready to tell him something about me—an occurrence I didn't even know was possible.

"Susundo pa ako kay Jillian." He smiles. "I can't be late, rereklamuhan ako n'un. I'll come back next week."

He walks out the door. Ni hindi man lang hinintay whatever I had to say. Rhetorical question lang ba yung kanina? Was he even really interested?

I don't even remember him picking me up from school. Ever. Kung hindi si Mommy ang susundo sa 'kin, si Auntie Mel, and then I eventually learned to find my way back on my own. The routine was to slip out of school after dismissal, which was easy because I didn't have friends to talk to that would delay my exit, and then walk home alone after I bring myself sa gates in the most convenient way available that day.

Nakailang kurap ako nang mapansin ko si Auntie Mel na nakasilip sa 'kin sa may hagdan. How long have I been out of focus?

She rushes downstairs upon seeing that the coast has been clear of unwanted visitors. I get a clearer view of the worried look on her eyes when she stops in front of me. I grip my car keys hard.

I take a step back and turn around quickly when she tries to reach for both of my arms. She knows me too well to not give me a hug, but I also don't want her arm rubs that she has been giving me since I was a kid. I don't need them now. I'm fine.

"Ipasok ko lang po yung kotse," paalam ko.

I go out and check the garage. Dad's gone. Not a single trace left.

It's nothing new. It's the scene I grew up in.

But when I get into the driver's seat, still, my chest heaves.

* * *

We transfer to the site office on the last three days na under kami ng supervision ni Engr. Ronario. It's much closer to where Chio is, so we meet halfway if we have the time to grab lunch together. I have no idea how he knows a lot of places where we could eat. Hindi pa kami umuulit ng karinderya.

"Aalis ka na naman?" Pearl asks while I'm washing my hands in the sink. I move a bit to the side to give her space para makita niya yung sarili niya sa mirror. The restroom at the site office is a bit smaller compared doon sa nasa main.

"Sumabay ako sa 'yo ng lunch kahapon," I remind her. She said 'na naman' as if araw-araw akong umaalis every lunch time.

She laughs. Dahil kami lang ang group na nandito sa site office, we are kind of forced to talk to each other more, but fortunately not so much because the workload here is heavier. I'm usually with Pearl, unsurprisingly dahil kaming dalawa lang naman ang walang ibang kilala rito.

I skipped my planned lunch with Chio yesterday because she was craving for Thai food, and I would have felt bad kung iiwan ko siya mag-isa, kaya nag-stay na lang ako sa office kasama siya. Hindi naman 'yun problem kay Chio, but I told him last night na I want to see him today, and I don't want to cancel on him twice in a row.

"May ka-date na naman siya," Pearl says in a sing-song manner and I wince. Hindi ko naman sinasabi sa kaniya kung sino'ng kasama ko, but she has only seen me with Chio, kaya alam kong kay Chio niya ako inaasar. And to be fair, she's not wrong—doon sa Chio ang kasama ko, not on the date part because maling-mali siya roon.

"Ikaw?" I ask. Maybe if I were certain na she's not going to say weird things in front of Chio, isasama ko siya with me.

"May ka-date? Wala."

I roll my eyes. "Kung may kasabay kang mag-lunch." I have seen her speak with our other co-interns; she's talkative. Minsan nga iniisip ko if she's only sticking with me because she knows na siya lang ang kinakausap ko, not because she hasn't established a rapport with others.

"Sabay ako sa kanila," she replies. I nod.

I was about to pull the door open so I can leave but then she scans me from head to toe. "What?"

"Di ka mag-aayos?"

My eyebrows furrow. Bumalik ako sa tapat ng mirror. My hair looks normal to me. Awkward length, pero okay lang naman. I still don't know if I should grow it out or chop it short again. "Why?" I clean up my hair part with my fingers.

I don't know what's wrong with how I look today. I look pale, but that's nothing new considering the cold sa office at ang katamaran ko to take my iron supplement. "Pangit ba?" Wala pa namang kalaman-laman ngayon ang bag ko na pang-ayos except for my comb.

I look at Pearl. I frown when I see her trying to hold her laughter. Inaasar lang ako nito e. "Alam mo, nag-aayos ka lang talaga kapag aalis ka kasama yung friend mo."

"No." My eyebrows snap together. "Nag-aayos ako every time I leave."

"Hindi ka nag-aayos kapag ako lang ang kasama mong mag-lunch," hirit pa niya. I scoff bago lumabas ng banyo at kuhain ang bag ko from my chair. I should have known better than magpa-corner kay Pearl kasi lagi akong natatalo.

I may not be as close to my other co-interns as I am to Pearl but I am not rude kaya nagpaalam ako sa kanila bago ako umalis. Hindi na ako nagdala ng sasakyan because alam kong wala akong pagpa-park-an dahil sa karinderya kami kakain ni Chio.

I commute to where we usually meet. Pagkababa ko ng jeep ay naroon na siya sa may silong ng bank sa tabi ng fastfood branch. I try to keep my eyes on him kahit na maraming naglalakad sa tapat ko. The way his smile slowly appears every time he would see me get down from a jeepney or a tricycle always fascinates me.

Siya ang tatawid papunta sa 'kin. We wait for a few more seconds for the crossing light to turn green. He still has his easy smile on when he reaches me.

"Hi," he greets in a low voice, nudging me lightly when he gets closer. "Gutom ka na ba?"

"Slight." Hindi kami nakapag-snack ni Pearl kanina while working. Wala kasi siyang dalang food. "Where do we eat today?" I snatch the folded handfan na nakalagay sa sa water bottle slot ng backpack niya. Pinaypayan ko ang sarili ko, and then him after a few seconds, dahil pansin kong pawisan ang noo niya. Surprisingly, the sun isn't so harsh this noon, but it's humid kaya siguro pawis na pawis ang isang 'to.

"Naiinitan ka?" he asks while we are walking towards somewhere I do not know. Hindi ko na inaalam kung saan dahil siya naman ang kasama ko. I nod. "Gusto mo mall na lang tayo? Isang tawid lang tapos naka-aircon ka pa."

I scrunch my nose. Ayaw ko. "How about you? Gusto mo ba sa malamig?"

He shrugs. "Kahit saan."

I shake my head no. "Ayaw ko sa mall," sabi ko. Mas gusto kong magkarinderya. I feel like I have more choices there, and there's also the fact that Chio never takes me out to lunch somewhere na alam niyang di ko magugustuhan, kaya I'm not afraid to try something new.

The corner of Chio's lips curl upwards for some reason, then he snatches his fan away from my hold tapos pinaypayan niya kaming dalawa.

"Bakit nga pala ang dami mo namang alam na kakainan?" I ask when he slows down his pace. Sinundan ko siya papasok sa karinderya where the tables and chairs are. Itinabi ko sa isang gilid ang totebag ko because I know he would sit beside me instead of sa tapat ko even if we both would have more space to move kung doon siya pupuwesto.

"Kapag naglalakad-lakad, nakikita ko lang," he says, eyes not on me but sa estante where the food is.

"Napupunta ka rito?" I follow-up, but hindi niya narinig siguro dahil lumakad na siya para tingnan yung mga ulam.

When he comes back to me, bitbit niya ang phone niyang may pictures ng mga 'yun. "Ano'ng gusto mo?" he asks, handing me his phone so I can look at the pictures.

"Is this lumpiang togue?"

"Oo."

"Okay. That." That's what he made me try last time we ate, and I liked it. "Do they have juice?"

"Soft drinks lang saka may dalandan something."

"Okay. Dalandan."

He chuckles. "Sige po, Ma'am. Pa-wait na lang po five minutes," he says jokingly after I hand him back his phone. "Yun ulit ulam mo? Ayaw mong iba?"

I shrug. "What do you suggest?" I ask. Dalawang ulam at dalawang kanin naman lagi ang binibili niya kapag magkasama kami and he lets me try whatever he's having.

"Sige, ako na," he says, shaking his head. I grab my wallet and hand it to him. Bahala na siya kung ililibre niya yung sarili niya o hindi. Mommy doesn't mind if I run out of my allowance quickly if it's because of food, and lalo na if I'm spending it on or with my friends, so . . .

Umupo siya sa tabi ko pagkakuha niya ng pagkain namin. There's fried fish on his plate, kasama ng dalawang rice, then he places a bowl vegetables with small chops of meat sa pagitan ng plates namin. "Tikman mo."

"Where's your water?" tanong ko dahil yung juice ko at isang basong tubig lang ang dala niya na parehas para sa 'kin. Hindi na siya umiinom ng tubig kung saan-saan after niyang ma-confine last time. He's sticking to bottled water or tubig na baon niya from home.

"Meron pa 'yang tubigan ko," sagot niya while busy sa pagsasandok ng kaunting gulay to my plate, and then to his. "Kain na."

I stuff my mouth with food dahil gutom na rin talaga ako bukod sa we don't really have much time left considering that we still need to commute back to our respective site offices. I remember na hindi niya nasagot yung tanong ko kanina, so I ask again, "Napupunta ka rito? How?"

His forehead creases. "Ha?"

"Sabi mo kaya ka maraming alam na kainan is because nakikita mo when you walk. Naglalakad ka rito?"

He nods. I'm confused. "Why?" Hindi naman siya dumadaan dito kapag papasok siya.

"Lumalabas talaga ako kapag lunch tapos naghahanap ng puwedeng kainan para alam ko kung saan ka dadalhin," he answers before taking a spoonful of his food. "May bistek dito kahapon e. Akala ko pare-parehas lang araw-araw tinitinda nila kaya dito kita dinala."

Napatigil ako sa pagnguya. That's my favorite.

He continues eating. He raises both his brows at me when he watches me staring at him. He points to my plate with his spoon. "Ano? Ubusin mo 'yan, Aju. Aba, sabi mo gutom ka . . ."

Uminom ako ng tubig to loosen up the sudden tightness on my chest. This boy. "Can I pick you up later?" I ask in a low voice. Suddenly I just want to skip my hours for today and do nothing with him. He's so . . . sweet.

He looks at me. "Sure ka?" I nod. "Hatid kita? O hatid mo ako?"

"Can we stay at your place?" I ask. Baka mamaya umuwi ako only to see someone I do not want to see there. I've had a good day so far and I do not want to ruin it.

He nods, then points to my plate with his fork. "Kumain ka na. Ang bagal mong kumain."

Pagkatapos namin kumain, we walk back kung saan kami nagkita. Hinintay niya akong makasakay at pinaunang umalis. Pagdating ng 4:30, nagmamadali ko nang inayos ang mga gamit ko while Pearl is still at the restroom para hindi na niya ako maasar. My other co-interns seem like they are planning to eat out, though, and I got an invite nang makita nila akong paalis na to which I declined dahil nagmamadali nga ako. If I linger here even just for five more minutes, mapapahaba yung time ko sa traffic.

Pagdating ko sa site office nina Chio, naabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa may shed. He's hugging his backpack, head leaning on the pole, and his sleepy eyes are focused on the sky above him. I check the time. Hindi ko naman siya masyadong pinaghintay, but I kinda feel bad because he looks so tired already. Dapat yata pinauwi ko na lang siya on his own, then ako na lang ang pumunta sa kanila.

I roll the window down and stick my head out the window. "Chio!"

His shoulders jump up a bit. He lowers his gaze, searching. And when he sees me, he gives me the widest smile as if he wasn't half-asleep just a second ago. He half-runs to where I am and takes his seat on the shotgun. Parang hindi inaantok at pagod.

"You can sleep," I tell him when I see him hiding a yawn behind his hand. Gigisingin ko na lang siya kapag nasa gate na kami.

I glance at him again. He shakes his head no repeatedly. "Ayaw," he replies, still smiling. He tilts his head to the side and brushes my cheek with the side of his finger.

I adjust the blades sa side ko when I feel my cheeks flush. There's something about him immediately brightening up upon seeing me that makes me feel warm. I don't know . . . . It's flattering, I guess. And it feels nice to be . . . tenderly looked at.

"Wala yata tayong kakainin sa bahay," he suddenly says, laughing.

"It's okay." I'm not hungry. Puwede naman kaming um-order na lang kapag gutom na. "I want to sleep."

"Hala siya . . . ngayon mo gustong matulog?" I glance at him incredulously. Mukha bang ipapahamak ko siya? "Gusto mo ako nang mag-drive?"

"Hindi ako inaantok. Gusto ko lang matulog mamaya," I clarify. My eyes are tired from looking at the computer screen all day. "And I'm tired."

"Kailangan mong kiss?"

My eyes roll in what seems like reflex. Ano ba namang lalaki 'to? Ano'ng klaseng tanong 'yun? "I don't need it."

He leans over and drops a kiss on my cheek, anyway. "Di mo need, pero gusto mo?"

"You are annoying."

He chuckles. Then he leans over again, kissing my temple, cheek, and my clothed shoulder, and arm.

* * *

When we arrive at his home, halos kasunod lang naming dumating si Chai. I hesitate to go in Chio's room nang makita ko siyang nakatingin sa 'min. It just feels . . . inappropriate. Kahit na matutulog lang naman kami . . . yata.

"Let's just stay downstairs," sabi ko kay Chio nang magpabalik-balik sa 'ming dalawa ang tingin ng kapatid niya.

Parang hindi naman niya ako narinig. "Gutom ka na?" he asks his sister. Chai shakes her head no. "Okay. Kaya mo na sarili mo, malaki ka na," he adds kaya she winces.

Chio tries to pull me papasok sa kuwarto niya but I resisted. No way I'm entering his room nang nakatingin ang kapatid niya. It just feels wrong! Kahit na last time, si Chai mismo ang tumulak sa 'kin papasok. But that's because she thinks magkaaway kami ni Chio.

"Magre-review lang ako sa kuwarto. 'Wag kayong maingay," Chai says. She points to the door of her room, runs papasok, and then slams the door shut bago ko pa siya masabihang she doesn't have anything to worry about noises. There would be no noises to begin with! My cheeks burn instantly when I realize what she's insinuating.

Nilingon ko si Chio at napalo sa braso. He flinches and draws back, sapo-sapo ang braso niya. Ano ba'ng pinagkukuwento niya sa kapatid niya? As far as I know, kahit sa kapatid niya, friends lang kami! Who gave Chai ideas? Especially something on that lane! "What the hell?"

He stifles a laugh. "Inaasar ka lang n'un! Masyado kang ano e," he says before successfully pulling me inside his room. I drop my bag on the floor and jump to his bed, face flat on his pillow. Narinig kong sinita niya ako, but he doesn't say anything more.

I close my eyes for a minute or two, just to give them their much needed rest, before flipping over. Nakapagpalit na siya into shorts, and my bag is already sitting comfortably on his study chair. Nagtatanggal siya ng butones ng polo niya nang makita niyang nakatingin ako. He immediately pauses and turns his back on me, but not before widening his eyes at me like he's warning me about something.

Kinuha ko ang isa niyang unan at tinaklob sa mukha ko. Fair. Not respectful to watch someone undressing without their consent. "I'm not looking. Go change," I assure him. He's sleepy. Dapat niyang bilisan at dito na siya sa tabi ko. Inaantok na rin ako.

"Ikaw? Ayaw mong mag-shorts? Meron ako d'yan, o hiram kita kay Chai," he says. "Do'n ka sa banyo magpapalit, a? 'Wag d'an sa kama."

My forehead creases. The fuck. Bakit naman ako magbibihis sa tapat niya? I pick up the pillow that's covering my face. I threw it on his cute face. Nasambot naman niya nang natatawa. "Ano nga? Baka di ka komportable sa pantalon mo."

"It's fine," sabi ko before moving to the left side of the bed to make space for him. May pinihit siya sa AC before laying down beside me. Finally. "Unless ayaw mo, because this is your bed. I'm on my outside clothes."

He sniggers. Nahilo yata ako nang bigla niya akong hilahin palapit sa kaniya, pressing my temple to his chest. His arm sneaks beneath my nape. "Okay lang. Di na nga ako naliligo minsan pag-uwi."

"You did not have to tell me that," I reply, which makes him laugh. "But naliligo ka araw-araw, 'no?" I look up at him. Mabango naman siya kapag nagkikita kami.

His head draws back na parang offend na offend. "Grabe ka sa 'kin, ha?"

"I'm just asking." I get my phone out of my pocket. I need to set an alarm. Baka mamaya mapasarap idlip namin, abutan kami ng parents niya. And ayoko rin namang masyadong ma-late ng uwi.

My phone almost falls on my face nang ipatong niya across my chest yung isa niyang braso. He closes me in, rubbing his cheek on the side of my head. He can barely keep his eyes open. Antok na antok. He grabs my phone and puts it on the table. "Ayusin mo yung kumot."

I kick the blanket sitting on our foot papunta sa 'min. Then sinabukan kong iladlad 'yun which was difficult considering my very limited arm movement because he's trapping them. Hindi naman ako nilalamig kaya legs lang niya ang tinakluban ko. "Bakit pa kasi nag-aircon? Patayin mo na." Okay naman yung fan.

Deretso sa tenga ko ang tawa niya. "Tingnan mo, yayakap ka din sa 'kin kapag malamig na."

My hand can still freely move, kaya kinurot ko siya sa may tiyan. He winces, then laughs. I feel his heartbeat more clearly when his laughter dies down.

Then, we're quiet. Akala ko nakatulog na siya but his finger starts to draw lines on my arm. When I look up at him, I see him with his eyes still open, but in a minute or so sure akong makakatulog na siya. He's tired.

"Ano 'yun?" he asks immediately when I scoot closer to him. His free hand goes to cup my cheek and presses the side of my head closer to his chest. "Nilalamig ka na 'no? Sabi ko sa 'yo e."

Napailing na lang ako. After another minute of silence, I try to look up at him to see if he's still awake, but my position doesn't give me a view of his face. Nalaman ko lang na gising pa siya because he speaks, "Ano 'yun? May sasabihin ka?"

"You're sleepy."

"May gusto kang pag-usapan?"

"It's okay. Go nap."

He clicks his tongue. "Ano nga?"

I shake my head. Ang kulit. "You can sleep." Kanina pa niya nilalabanan yung antok niya. "And mas madaling makipag-usap if you're sleeping."

He chuffs. "Pa'no 'yun 'usap' kung tulog yung isa?" Fair point, but I don't really need a response from him. "Gising ako, pero sige, pipikit ako. Magsalita ka na."

I turn so I'm facing his chest. "My father scheduled dinner."

HIs hand goes to the back of my head. Panay ang hagod sa buhok bago magsalita, "Pupunta ka?" he asks in a low voice. "O gusto mong itago kita sa ilalim ng kama ko? Kasya tayo d'yan, 'kala mo ba," he adds, which makes me laugh a bit.

"I don't like it." I don't like how he can schedule whenever he wants to and make me feel bad if I skip. I should not feel bad. Why do I feel bad? Because of Mommy? Because of Auntie? I remember making them worry. "But I'll go. He can't keep having control of my emotions all the time." I don't want to be civil. I just want to . . . not care. Because if I'm this affected, then he has a certain hold over me.

Chio hums, pulls me closer, then grabs the blanket and pulls it over our heads. "Pahinga ka muna."

I sigh. "But if I change my mind . . ." I don't know.

He chuckles. "Oo, dito ka. Wala namang ibang tumatao d'yan sa ilalim ng kama ko," he says, earning him another pinch on his waist.

* * *

FUCK. Parang binuhusan ako ng yelo when the alarm sound pierces through my ears. Ang lakas!

When my body realizes that there's no emergency, mabilis na bumalik ang antok. One of Chio's arms is still lazily placed over my torso, while the other one had already slipped from beneath my nape at nakapirmi na lang sa may taas ng ulo ko. The alarm doesn't faze him. He's still knocked out.

But I'm sleepy, too! I tap him on the chest dahil siya ang mas malapit sa table. I don't want to get up, yet. Anong oras na ba? Five more minutes, please . . .

Hindi siya magising kahit ilang beses kong tinawag at inalog. If it weren't for his arm shifting its position, I might as well have assumed that he's dead. I stopped trying to wake him up when my alarm stopped. Finally.

* * *

The stupid alarm is going to give me a headache. Nilaksan ba ni Chio ang volume ng phone ko kanina? I keep on tapping his arm that he still has draped over me. What were they doing at their satellite office for him to be this tired? "Chio, ang ingay . . ."

I tried everything. Nakailang tapik ako sa braso niya, niyugyog, at kinurot ko na but he won't budge. I tried folding my pillow to cover my ears but it's not helping. At this point, I don't even want to go back to sleep. I just want it to be quiet dahil sumasakit ang ulo ko sa tunog.

What worked is tapping his cheek lightly. Napamulat siya, and when I noticed that his lids are about to fall closed again, paulit-ulit ko na siyang tinampal sa mukha. Jesus. How tired is this boy? "Babe? Yung alarm muna, please?"

He blinks. And then he blinks a few more times, like he's trying to shake off the post-nap daze. And then, he lowers his gaze to me, opens his mouth like he's about to say something but then zips it before a word can come out. Pumihit siya to reach for my phone, then he stops the alarm kaya, finally, tumahimik na. God, my head kinda stings. Nagulat ako sa alarm.

"What?" I ask when I see him watching me like I have blood on my face. Kinapa ko ang mga sulok ng mata at gilid ng labi ko just to make sure na walang anything doon that would warrant him to look at me like I just grew an extra arm on my forehead. I raise both my brows at him when he wouldn't stop watching me with that expression of his. "Ano?"

He doesn't answer right away. He just stares at me for what seems like a full minute before he's able to speak. "B-Babe na 'ko?"

My forehead creases. What?

Wait.

Oh.

Well, shit.

What now?

I clear my throat and try to get off the bed. Kauupo ko lang sa kama when his arm slams me back into place. Pinandilatan ko siya ng mga mata. What does he want me to say? It slipped! And kailangan bang i-explain 'yun? Kailangan bang sagutin 'yun?

His eyebrows are knit together tightly, but I know he's not angry. I don't know how, but I just do. That's not how he looks when he's mad. I hated it whenever nagtatampo siya, so how he looked and what treatment he gives me when he's not okay with me is probably burned somewhere in my mind. "Ano'ng tinawag mo kay Jass?"

Tangang 'to! "What the fuck?" I lightly smack his chest. He ignores it.

He pouts. So cute. "Babe Number 2 ako?" I don't know if him being stupid makes him more adorable, but I would not have him any other way, so, whatever. "Babe Number 2 ako?!"

The exaggeration makes me laugh. He sits up, and I rush to do the same because di ko alam kung hanggang saan abutin 'tong pag-iinarte niya. I give him a peck on the lips.

Kissing him is like one of the easiest things to do. I can just turn my mind off and let myself act on it because I know he's just there waiting for it and nothing can go wrong.

"Babe number 2 nga ako?" mas mariin niyang tanong, pinanlalakihan pa ako ng mga mata.

"No." Whatever the fuck he meant by that. I kiss the side of his lips. "Sorry."

"Babe number 2 ako!" pagpupumilit niya pa. Ang kulit.

"Hindi nga!" Whatever it is that comes with kissing him, it's addicting. Or maybe I just like how his cheeks turn a more vibrant shade of pink everytime I do it. "And I said I'm sorry!" Hindi ko alam kung para saan. For calling Jass 'babe' before? When we were together? God. Di ko alam. Parang kailangan ko lang singitan ng sorry dahil if not, lalo lang siyang magta-tantrums.

"Babe number—"

I hold his face with both of my hands. Ang kulit! "Hindi nga kasi! I'm sor—"

"'Wag kang mag-sorry," he whispers after cutting me off by kissing me. Rude. Then, he goes back to pouting. "Wala, babe number t—"

I push his face back with my hand. He laughs loudly before trapping me between his arms, and the next thing I know, naitumba na niya ako sa kama kasabay ng paghiga niya. He scoops me so my head is against his chest, and then he wraps his legs around me like I'm a pillow. Nahampas ko siya sa braso before nudging him away just a bit. I need space to breathe!

"Higpitan mo naman yakap mo, nagso-sorry ka e."

"Akala ko ba 'wag akong mag-sorry?" katuwiran ko. He chuckles again, then tightens his hold on me kaya hindi ko na nilabanan. Mapapagod lang ako.

"Aju," tawag niya after naming manahimik.

"What?"

"Ayoko ng 'babe.'"

My eyes roll in reflex. This boy. "Ano'ng gusto mo?"

"Ewan," he says, and even if I'm not looking at him I know he's pouting. "Basta ayoko ng 'babe.'"

It just slipped! Hindi ko naman sinabing 'yun ang itatawag ko sa kaniya lagi. And it's not a big deal. To me, at least.

Pero, sabagay, it wouldn't hurt to consider his input—siya naman yung tinatawag e. I don't get the fuss, pero sige, for him, kung ano'ng gusto niyang i-adjust, susundin. Whatever. "Fine."

Natahimik ulit kami. I don't know how much time had passed when my hunger kicks in. "Chio."

"O?"

"I don't want to go home, yet." I like being here. Not necessarily being in this house, or in his room. Just beside him.

He rakes his fingers through my hair. "Okay," he replies quietly. "Kain tayo sa baba?"

I nod. "Okay."

I'm hungry, and we should get up, but my cheek glues itself to his chest. Mukhang balak na rin niyang bumangon, based on how he gets his leg and arm off me, but then he brings it back when he notices me not moving.

"Okay . . . five minutes," he says with a grunt while adjusting his position. "Ganito na lang tayo lagi, ano? 'Wag na tayong kumilos . . ."

I chuff, shaking my head no.

But actually, I don't think that the idea sounds so bad.

* * *

"Yieee—"

I didn't mean to glare at Eileen, pero kasalanan naman niya. She purses her mouth shut, but everyone else except for Pearl was still giggling to themselves. Nel looks at me apologetically but I only avert my gaze para hindi kami mag-usap. Kapag nag-usap kami, lalo lang kaming aasarin. I would prefer that he thinks I find him annoying kaysa naman buong summer kaming asarin ng mga friends niya.

For some reason, probably dahil either sobrang boring or stressful sa office, napagdiskitahan ako. Or kami ni Nel—one of the three guys na laging magkasama sa office. Nagkataon lang na we had brought the same coffee yesterday, ordered the same lunch, tapos ngayon, parehas kami ng kulay ng suot na polo. The noise can get annoying sometimes, but I generally don't mind their teasing. I don't know. Na-alter na yata ni Chio yung threshold ko sa pagkapikon.

Besides, at least they seem to be more comfortable talking to me now. I have plans with Chio pero sumama ako sa kanila when they invite me to the milktea shop na malapit. I didn't buy anything dahil kakain kami ni Chio sa labas. Sumama lang talaga ako so they would know na wala akong personal na issue sa kanila whenever I would decline their invites before. It's either I have something planned with Chio, or I'm too tired for the day at gusto ko nang umuwi. I have plans with Chio now pero nag-insist siyang siya ang pupunta sa 'kin, and wala pa siya, so I decide to go with my co-interns first at doon na siya tagpuin.

Napaayos ako ng upo nang matanaw ko si Chio sa labas. His eyebrows are furrowed while walking, seemingly annoyed, probably dahil sa init at humidity sa labas. Dere-deretso ang lakad niya at nginitian lang ako saglit nang makita akong naghihintay sa kaniya. He should rest here for maybe five minutes. Para lang hindi siya init na init.

"Yieee—" What? I turn to look at Eileen to see kung ano naman ang niyi-yieee niya this time. I merely shake my head nang mapansin kong inaabot lang naman ni Nel yung tissue holder na nasa may tapat ko. I grab it and hand it to him. And of course, Eileen takes that as a cue. "Yieee!!!"

I look at Chio. Sinenyas ko sa kaniya yung upuan sa katabing table na wala namang nakaupo. Sinuyod niya ng tingin ang mga kasama ko bago sumunod. He pulls the chair to where mine is.

"Taken nga 'yan!" Pearl suddenly says, and I almost gave myself a headache sa bilis ng paglingon ko sa kaniya.

"No!" I think I shouldn't have said that. E paano ba naman! Alam ko namang ang tinutukoy niya ay itong katabi ko sa kabilang side na kararating lang.

The others take it as an invitation na lalo lang kaming asarin ni Nel. Oh, my god. Chio and I should leave. Baka may masabi pang kung ano si Pearl, and baka may masabi rin akong hindi dapat that would make matters more awkward. I stand up, and one of Nel's friends—Josh or David, I do not know who's who—ask, "Uuwi ka na?"

I nod. I look at Chio who seems lost, yet busy memorizing the faces I share the table with and exchanging awkward glances with my co-interns. "Yes." I pull on Chio's sleeve. Sa kotse na siya magpalamig.

"Isabay na kayong dalawa ni Nel," he adds. Eileen just laughs at that, samantalang panay naman ang sunod-sunod na iling ni Nel.

I ignore the comment. Hindi ako naaasar. Naii-stress ako because I saw how Chio's brows raise. "Ingat kayo," paalam ko sa kanila before dragging my feet and Chio palabas dahil baka mamaya kami naman ang maasar ni Pearl.

I get in the car quickly. Binuksan ko ang AC at nilakasan dahil pawis na pawis pa nga si Chio. Parang nangangapa ang tingin niya sa 'kin when he gets on the shotgun. We stay there for a minute or two para lang mapainit ang makina at lumamig-lamig sa side niya. He clears his throat when I pull out of the parking slot.

"Ano 'yun?"

I'm assuming he's referring to the commotion earlier. "Inaasar lang nila yung friend nila sa 'kin."

"Ano'ng pangalan ulit?"

"Nel."

"Puta. Bakit ba laging three letters?"

My forehead creases. "What?"

He laughs, doesn't answer my question. I don't flinch anymore when he hits my knee lightly with his palm. "Ang ganda mo kasi masyado, hayop."

I scrunch my nose at the comment. "We don't even talk." Kawawa lang talaga si Nel sa friends niya. Siya lang yata yung tahimik sa kanila, as I have observed. "He doesn't like me that way." I know he doesn't. I think even Chio knows that, too. And maybe Chio doesn't have a problem with him either way, but I still felt the need to say that. Why did I have to say that? Should I just have kept my mouth shut?

"Crush ka n'un."

"Stop. Hindi nga." Quota na ako sa pang-aasar ngayong araw. And, I don't know, it kinda feels like I have to assure Chio that Nel doesn't like me that way. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling, but I just feel the need to. "Ano namang magugustuhan niya?"

"Grabe ka naman sa sarili mo." His hand lands on my knees again, gives it a squeeze before letting go. ". . . Naging kayo nga ni Jass," he adds quietly. I scoff. Now pumasok sa isip ko if he's still thinking about that babe thing.

"And see what happened?" I don't know why that came out snappy.

I glance at him. He makes a face before settling into a moping pout. "Ayoko na nga . . . galit ka na e."

I sigh. "I'm not."

His pout immediately turns into a smile. Cute.

* * *

After we find a parking spot, naglakad kami papunta sa isang karinderya. Unfortunately, there's only one tray of food left dahil anong oras na rin naman kami nakarating. I don't mind because the food left is adobo and kumakain naman ako n'un. Hindi ko lang sure kay Chio kung bakit parang gusto niyang lumipat.

"Do you want to eat elsewhere?" I ask. Is he craving for anything?

He shakes his head no. "'Wag na, mapapagod ka lang kaka-drive. Anong oras na pati," he says bago mauna sa 'king umupo sa chair sa loob. "Kumain kami dito kahapon, mas late pa, madami pa silang ulam." He scratches the back of his head. "Ewan ko kung bakit kung kailan kasama kita saka naman ubusan."

I shrug. "It's okay. Kumakain akong adobo."

"At may atay."

I nod. "Yes." Adobo na may atay is probably my second favorite, next to bistek. Gusto ko yung ulam na alam parehas nina Mommy at Auntie iluto.

Chio laughs. "Dito na tayo kakain?" I nod. "For makeout po?"

Napatigil ako sa pagtango. I narrow my eyes at him and he feigns innocence by giving me the puppy eyes. "Ano?" nagawa pa niyang itanong.

"Dine in," mariin kong sagot.

"Ayaw mong for makeout?"

This boy. "I'm hungry."

He chuckles. "Ito na, ito na . . ."

He comes back to our table with our food after a few minutes. There's not much space, and the table is small, kaya magkatapatan kami ng upo. He immediately transfers the big chunk of chicken from his plate to mine pagkaupo niya.

"Kailan yung . . ."

Hinintay kong matapos ang tanong niya, but he purses his mouth shut as if he thought against asking me whatever question he was supposed to ask. "What?" tanong ko dahil hindi ako mapapakali na hindi niya tinapos ang sentence niya.

He still looks hesitant when he continued, "Yung ano mo . . . yung dinner niyo . . ."

Ah, that. I don't know. I shrug. The subject hasn't come up yet at home. "Di ko alam."

He smiles at me softly. "Okay. Kapag aalis ka, 'wag ka nang magpamadaling araw . . . o do'n ka na lang sa 'min," he says, and then he doesn't ask anymore.

I don't know if it's because pasarado na ang karinderya at gusto na nilang maubos yung ulam nila, but ang dami talaga ng serving nila ng ulam. I don't even want to drink water after ubusin yung food ko dahil busog na busog na ako.

It's also rare na naunahan ko si Chio na umubos ng pagkain. His two cups of rice were gone in a few minutes, pero ang dami pang ulam sa plato niya. I grab his wrist to stop him from transferring more ulam on my plate from his. Di ko na kaya.

"Busog na ako," sabi ko.

He laughs. "Mabuti," he says before retracting his hand. "Masarap kain mo?"

I nod. "Yes." And now I feel sleepy. "Kumain ka ba before meeting me?" Ang bagal niya kasing kumain ngayon.

He shakes his head no. Kakaunti na lang namang ulam yung nasa plate niya.

My eyebrows furrow when I notice na panay ang inom niya ng tubig kada subo. Hindi ba siya lalong mabubusog niyan?

I watch him for a whole minute before realizing something. Maybe he was giving his food to me not because he knows I like it, but because he doesn't eat such. "Hindi ka ba kumakain ng atay?"

He shakes his head no again. Oh. I never noticed that. "Sayang lang talaga pagkain."

I get my spoon and fork. Nilikom ko lahat ng ulam na natitira sa plate niya and stuffed it in my mouth. Mukhang nagulat pa siya roon. What? Hirap na hirap siyang lumunok e. And I know he wouldn't leave the place hanggang hindi malinis yung plato niya. And we need to hit the road dahil mata-traffic pa kami. "You are so driving. I need to nap sa busog kong 'to," sabi ko. God. I'm full.

He laughs when I lean back on my chair and rest my hands on my tummy. Parang lunch pa ako tomorrow ulit magugutom. I hear the feet of his chair scraping the floor, and then the next second, nasa tabi ko na siya. Without a word, he wiped the sides of my mouth with his handkerchief.

"Makakalakad ka ba?" tanong niya.

"Yes. But slowly."

He nods. He combs my hair away from my face with his fingers. We should leave. Makakatulog na talaga ako dito if he keeps that up. "Hindi naman natin kailangang magmadali."

* * *

Hindi maayos ang gising ko on Friday morning. It takes sitting on my bed and staring at the wall in silence for several minutes before I figured out why. I have a feeling na magpapakita si Dad mamayang gabi for dinner. And then I have my language class right after my internship.

Nag-send agad ako ng message kay Chio, telling him that I can't meet him this morning. Mapapagod na ako masyado if I pick him up, considering that I'm also not in my best state at the moment. There's something so debilitating about having dinner, even just the mere thought of it, with my Dad.

After I got ready, bumaba na ako. I find Auntie Mel preparing sandwiches. She chucks one inside my bag nang walang tanong-tanong. She gets my water bottle and fills it with cold water next.

"Auntie."

"O?"

"Is Dad coming later?" I ask. Napatigil siya sa pagpupunas ng table. The hesitance in her face is a dead giveaway of the confirmation I need, but I still wait to hear it from her.

She heads to the sink para banlawan yung basahan, still not saying anything. I'm not sure if she's not a good liar or I just know her too well because she raised me, but it's obvious that she would do anything but answer my question. "Auntie."

She turns around to face me, sighing. Her eyeglasses slide off her nose bridge when she looks at the floor, hands on her hips, as if thinking. Did Mommy tell her to keep her mouth shut? Why? "Tatakasan mo ba?"

Nah. I shake my head no. "No." I just really want to confirm it para lang ready ako.

She looks a tiny bit shocked, but also relieved. "Sigurado ka?"

"Yes." Even if hiding underneath Chio's bed seems like the better option. I just . . . shouldn't allow anyone to make me uncomfortable to have dinner in my own home.

Tumango siya. "Oo, mamaya raw." I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I'm going, I want to, but that doesn't mean that I like the idea. Ugh. "May Spanish ka mamaya?" I nod. "'Wag kang masyadong magpagabi ng uwi," she adds. I nod again, grabbing my tumbler.

"Juli!" tawag niya ulit sa 'kin bago ko maisara ang pinto. I keep the door open and raise both my brows.

What? "Uuwi po ako nang maaga," I assure her, if that's what she's worried about.

"Dapat lang, bistek ang ulam mamaya."

Oh. "Thank you," I said, because that would make the dinner more bearable.

* * *

When there's something I do not want to do, pero alam kong kailangan kong gawin, it hangs over my head until I get it done. That dinner agitated me the whole morning, and thankfully Pearl is quiet dahil baka nasungitan ko siya kapag dinaldal niya ako. The girl is sweet, but she can be really noisy at times. Minsan sa sobrang daldal niya, nade-delay din kaming tapusin yung mga dapat naming gawin.

"Juli."

"What?" I take a deep breath when Pearl seemed startled with the way I responded. "Sorry, ano 'yun?" I ask in a gentler tone.

"Sama ka sa 'min mag-lunch?" tanong niya.

I look at the time on my monitor screen. God, four hours na akong nag-aayos ng notes ng plano. Maybe I should go out with them. Staying in this space with very clinical lighting, and with a pile of stuff to photocopy staring at me, is not going to make me feel better about the dinner later that I have been dreading since I woke up this morning. It wouldn't hurt to breathe. "One condition."

Pearl's forehead creases. "Ano 'yun?"

"No teasing Nel, please." I feel bad for him. Tapos nasusungitan ko pa siya . . . I think? I'm not really that nice to him. To be fair, I'm generally just not that nice. Pero baka isipin niyang kaya ko siya ganoon i-treat ay dahil sa pang-aasar nina Eileen.

Pearl chuffs. "Hindi naman kita inaasar do'n!" depensa niya sa sarili. Come to think of it, she's right. "Ayaw ko ng naninira ng relasyon. Siyempre boto ako do'n sa boyfriend mo."

Jesus. "Chio is not my boyfriend." Ilang beses ko ba dapat sabihin 'yun sa kaniya?

She leans over, takes over my mouse, and closes all the tabs open on the screen. Pumaling siya sa 'kin with a mischievous grin on her face. Ito na naman tayo? "So Chio yung name niya?"

I push my chair back and don't say anything more. Kinuha ko yung bag ko at nagmamadali siyang sumunod sa 'kin. She is laughing at my misery. "Teka lang, sabihan ko si Eileen," she says before ako unahan palabas.

* * *

The sigh I let out after we're dismissed from our Spanish class makes Ced's head turn to me. I don't say anything kahit na by the way he looks at me, he wants me to talk about whatever made me sigh that heavily. His eyebrows are furrowed hanggang sa makalabas kami both ng room. Behind us are his two friends.

"Lalim n'un, a?" sabi niya habang naglalakad kami sa hall. I merely shrug to acknowledge that I heard what he just said. Wala na akong space in my head to think about how I am going to explain it to him. Mentally preparing myself for the dinner later has taken up all the rooms in my mind. "Do you want to grab dinner kasama namin? Tagal na nating di nakakapag-usap."

I glance at him. That's true. "Busy kasi." And his offer is tempting, but I promised myself that I would either go to this dinner or hide under Chio's bed, so, "And no, sorry. Next time na lang."

He nods. It's not necessary, but he tells his two friends na mauna na and walks me to where I parked my car. "Reply ka naman minsan sa IG."

"Di nga ako mahilig sa gan'un." Nasabi ko na 'yun sa kaniya. I don't even remember why I have that account in the first place. I have no plans of sharing to people what I have been doing with my uneventful life, nor I am interested in knowing about theirs. So what's the point?

Ced laughs. "Akala ko di mo lang talaga ako pinapansin e."

My forehead creases. "Why would I do that?" Wala naman siyang ginagawang masama sa 'kin. If anything, having him around during Spanish classes makes me feel better kasi parehas kaming nahihirapan sa lessons minsan. "I don't ignore my friends on purpose for no reason."

That makes him smile. He tousles the top of my head after. I rake my fingers through my hair to fix it. It feels kind of weird when it's not Chio who does it. "Pero kain naman tayo minsan. Sama mo yung hindi mo guy kung gusto mo."

The way he addressed Chio makes me roll my eyes, but I nod.

"Sure, ha?"

"Oo nga."

Nakailang ulit pa si Ced ng tanong if I'm sure. Nanghingi pa ng schedule but I can't give him any dahil hindi ko talaga matantiya ang pagod ko, or namin ni Chio, depending sa schedule. If the circumstances were different—if Ced and I weren't friends—baka nabuwisit na 'ko sa kaniya for seeming so pushy about it. But we're friends, and kahit na alam kong gusto lang niyang makitsismis kay Chio, it still feels nice that he wants me to be included.

There is obvious relief in Auntie Mel's face nang makita niya ako sa bahay. Katatapos lang niyang magluto. I tell her that I'll just rest, take a shower, then nap, and na katukin na lang ako kung kakain na. When I get in my room, I just plan my day for tomorrow—pasok ulit sa office then review for Spanish after. I'll have to ask Chio later tonight if we can squeeze each other in our schedules.

I settle beneath my blanket after taking a shower. Pinilit kong umidlip, and I know and I can feel that my body is tired, but I can't get myself to sleep because my brain is working overtime. The dinner would last for one hour, tops. Pagkatapos, puwede na akong umakyat sa kuwarto. But within the hour na nasa dining table ako, do I need to talk? Would he ask questions? If he would ask questions . . . hihintayin niya ba yung sagot ko? Or should I assume that all those would just be rhetorical ones that need no response because he's not interested?

Would he comment on anything about me? On how I look? On how I dress up? On how he's still bitter that I took up a program he did not approve of? Would he bring up med school? Would he say anything about me living with Mommy and her husband in a country miles away from here?

Would he want me to come home for the holidays? For his birthday? For my birthday? Would he even ask what I did for my birthday this year? Would he be interested in knowing that I spent it with friends that I have to leave behind a year from now?

Would he tell me not to leave? Would he offer to take me in? I don't want to . . . . Kung may gusto man akong kasama, si Auntie na lang 'yun . . . . But would he be willing to be my guardian? Kahit pasaglit-saglit lang?

Would he think of inviting me to sit down somewhere, just the two of us, to talk about everything he missed?

I glance at the lockscreen of my phone when I see messages pop up from Chio. I don't have the energy to read them kahit from doon lang, so I take my phone from my bed and place it face down on the bedside table. Kakausapin ko siya mamaya. Not now.

I sigh and bring myself to sit. Nagpalit ako ng pantulog na suot. I strip off my tank top and shorts and wear my pajama pants and an old short-sleeved shirt. Alam kong hindi naman dapat ako ang mag-adjust, pero ayaw ko na kasi ng dagdag-usapan sa lamesa mamaya kaya nagpalit na lang ako ng damit even if I don't remember Dad saying anything about what I wear. I don't even remember if we ever had a decent conversation at all.

I think he owes me an apology . . . . I think what makes this harder for me is that he never apologized. Maybe because it seemed like I am fine with everything because I do not speak. When in reality, I don't say anything because that would lead to longer conversations, and isa pa, it's so tiring to complain when I know nothing is going to change. I don't even want to get mad anymore because I don't get anything good from it. But sometimes, just sometimes, it can get really frustrating. I just hope that my silence is being traded off to someone else's happiness. Kasi sayang naman.

Pinanood ko lang ang orasan. I am busy staring at the ceiling when Auntie Mel knocked. My body seemed to have moved on its own nang marinig ko 'yun. Like my feet are eager to go downstairs. I don't know if it's because I'm already hungry; if it's because I want to get shit done; or if it's because, even in the smallest chance, I'm actually excited.

"Kakain na po?" tanong ko sa kaniya pagbukas na pagbukas ko ng pinto. She's smiling at me. Sumilip ako sa likuran niya. Where's Mommy? "Nakauwi na po si Mommy?"

"Kararating lang. Bakit balot na balot ka?" she asks. I don't answer. I close the door behind me and sumunod sa kaniya pababa.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion when I see the empty living and dining room. Sumilip ako sa labas dahil may naririnig akong makina ng sasakyan, but that's Mommy's. Where is he?

Naghahain na ng mesa si Auntie Mel. Asking where Dad is felt like a weird thing to do, so I stay quiet. I just help her with the utensils. She glances at me after I get four plates. "Ay, ibalik mo yung isa. Di raw tutuloy si Julian. Kate-text lang ng Mommy mo kanina."

What? "Po?"

"Di na kita kinatok kasi baka kako umiidlip ka e. Nag-text ang Mommy mo kanina na sinabihan daw siya."

"What happened?"

She shrugs. "May pupuntahan yata? Ayaw mo n'un?"

She gets the plates from me and sets them on the table herself. I remain standing on my spot, not knowing what to do. Ganun na lang 'yun? Auntie Mel doesn't even know why he canceled? He really can just barge in here if gusto niya, and decide not to kung ayaw niya? I don't even get a say?

I take my seat. I quietly watch Auntie Mel na ipagsandok ako ng kanin at ulam. Nakasanayan na niya yung gawin so I don't stop her even if I can do it myself. I look at my plate and wonder if I could finish it because I'm suddenly not hungry. Yung pagod na ayaw magparamdam kanina habang nagpapaantok ako, parang biglang lumabas. I just want to go upstairs and lie down.

Mommy enters the house, wearing a wide smile on her face. She sets her handbag down on the couch before heading to where I am. She places a kiss on top of my head before pulling the chair next to me. "Favorite pala ang ulam," she exclaims, referring to me. "Mabuti na lang wala yung isa!"

I discreetly let out a sigh. Alam ko namang hindi lang feelings ko ang nagma-matter sa kung sino'ng pupunta rito sa bahay o hindi, but there's something that annoys me that I'm the only one who's not happy about him cancelling. May kung anong pinag-uusapan sina Mommy at Auntie Mel when I decide to pull my chair back and go to my room. I can't eat like this. "May kukuhain lang po sa taas," I said out of courtesy before taking huge stride to the stairs.

I pick my phone up from the bedside table. Sumalubong sa 'kin ang tambak ng mga messages ni Chio. I am in no mood to reply, but instead of ignoring him I just quickly type in a message saying that I'll talk to him tomorrow. I close the messaging app and sit on the edge of my bed.

Why did I come up here? What was I even planning to do? Call Dad and ask him why he couldn't make it? Tell him that next time he would cancel, puwedeng sa 'kin na lang niya sabihin tapos ako na lang ang magsasabi kay Mommy? Couldn't he inform us both?

The picture is way too familiar. This is just his thing. Plan, then cancel. He doesn't have the time. He has something else to do, somewhere else to be. And in the rare chance that he's present, he's always rushing to leave.

Hindi ako mahirap paliwanagan kahit noong bata. Mommy didn't even have to do any explaining. I knew they were not together. I knew that he always came home to another family. I knew I had siblings.

I knew I never came first to him. And that's okay because I have Mommy.

"What's her name?" I remember asking Mommy after my elementary graduation. I knew I had sisters. I knew that's why Dad couldn't stay at my celebratory dinner even for just an hour. They had another dinner at their home and he would rather be there.

I didn't mind. Hindi naman niya dadalhin yung pagkain kapag aalis siya, so why would I care? I didn't even invite him. I didn't have expectations because he's never been around.

"Who?" tanong ni Mommy habang pinaghihiwa ako ng slice ng cake.

"Yung meeting po ni Dad." It was easy to guess that he was coming home to his family, but I felt like I couldn't say that to Mommy. Besides, meeting din naman yung ginamit ni Dad na word. That was the safest way to put it. I didn't know how Mommy felt about them, really.

"Ah . . . your sister?"

That didn't sound right. That didn't feel right. I wasn't comfortable with the term, so I just shrugged. Mommy nods. "Jillian. You want to meet her ba?"

No. "No." Mommy only laughed at my answer before ruffling my hair and handing me my cake.

That's how it was growing up.

Ang dali-dali para sa kaniyang hindi ako piliin.

I don't have an explanation why. I just know that that's just how it supposed to be. Kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto ko pang malaman kung nasaan siya ngayon. It doesn't matter whether he has an emergency or not—he just wouldn't choose me. Kaya bakit ko pa ba aalamin?

Jillian. Hanggang ngayon napapaisip pa rin ako kung siya sana yung Julianne kung hindi ako ang panganay.

I key in her name on the search bar.

I sigh and leave my phone on the bed when the first picture I see is her with Dad just a few minutes ago. Nasa restaurant, kumakain. Is that an emergency? Definitely not.

But does that matter? No.

Hindi naman kailangan ng dahilan para hindi ako piliin. That's just how things are.

I go downstairs nang marinig kong tawagin ako ni Mommy dahil iniwan ko ang pagkain ko. It's hard to swallow when there seems to be something heavy pressing down on my chest, so I eat slowly. I glance at the empty chair beside Mommy. It has always been empty during a regular weekday dinner, but the sight makes me hold onto my utensils tighter dahil baka maibato ko sa inis.

This is why I don't have expectations. This is why I don't want to pour any emotions into this matter. Walang nangyayari, tapos ako lang ang mahihirapan. I can't even enjoy my favorite food now? That's unfair.

"Makakatulog nang maaga," Mommy says with a yawn. "At walang stress dahil walang bisita," she adds, smiling my way. I keep my head down on my food. "'No, 'nak? Walang bisita tapos favorite mo pa ang ulam."

I just shrug, because I do not know what to say, nor if I can speak properly e hindi na nga ako makalunok nang ayos. I know they didn't have a good relationship. I know it was difficult to raise me alone. I know Dad broke her heart and I could only imagine how hard it was for her. And I know she's the only one I have . . . but would it be so bad to want this dinner to happen? Am I being unfair to her for wishing he were here and not with his other daughter? Does that count as disrespecting her feelings? Am I being ungrateful?

I don't know . . . . I don't know anything except that I'm tired and I'm done for today. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.

I stop Auntie Mel bago pa niya ako maidamay sa paglalagay niya ng dagdag na kanin at ulam sa plato niya. I excuse myself, tell them I'm sleepy, then I clean up my own plate kahit na sinaway ako ni Auntie Mel, bago ako umakyat.

I grab my phone, and then I go to the bathroom. I spend a minute just sitting at the bathroom tiles and holding my phone, before my fingers pad on my keyboard to message Chio without even thinking it through. Can I call?

He replies in a second. Oo naman

But you cant speak

It takes him a few seconds longer to respond. Bawal kahit ano??? Kahit hello?

I don't reply. My hands were shaking quite a bit when I clicked on his number to call him. It doesn't even take two rings for him to pick up, and just as quickly, I break into tears I didn't even know where came from. I don't even know why I had to call him, why the sobs came uncontrollable once I knew he was listening, why I don't want to put the call down even if it doesn't make sense why I made it in the first place. I don't know anything except that it's him on the other line, and there's no one else I would make this nonsense phone call to.

He doesn't speak a word. I only hear his breathing when I feel like I have no tears to cry anymore, and my chest is as light as my head. I didn't even notice that I was mimicking the pattern of how Chio draws his breath until I was settled on my bed. When my breathing evens out, saka ko lang din napansin how he's breathing in and out unusually loud over the phone. Hm.

I mentally count how many seconds he's taking in, holding, and letting go of his breath. Four, two, six. I hug my pillow tighter when I notice that it's always the same. Four, two, six. Even I was surprised that that draws a weak laugh from me. Napatigil siya, probably wondering why I am suddenly laughing when I was bawling just a while ago.

Paano ba naman. He did that on purpose so I would unconsciously follow? Who wouldn't adore him? "Chio."

His line is quiet for a minute, only for him to hum in response. Suddenly, I want him here so I can hug him. The guy made me crave hugs, and I'm not even a hugger. "You can speak now."

"Hinga ka na, please," parang nagmamadali pa niyang sabi. God, I want him here. "Tahan ka na. Hilamos ka tapos inom kang maraming tubig."

There is no way I'm going downstairs to get water dahil alam kong nandoon pa si Mommy kung hindi man si Auntie Mel. But I get up and go back to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I can barely keep my eyes open after, and I try my hardest not to rub them para hindi masyadong paga bukas. "I'm going to bed," I tell Chio. "Good night."

"Aju."

"What?"

He clears his throat. "Kapag—Kapag di pa tapos . . . kapag may kasunod pa, kahit anong oras, tumawag ka lang. Okay? Good night."

I bury myself under my thick blanket. Where can I buy a new one that would feel the same as his warm hugs? "Okay. Good night, Chio."

* * *

I wake up tired. Gising na ako when Auntie Mel knocks to supposedly wake me up, but I just tell her that I'm not feeling well and have no plans of clocking in for my internship hours today. She just check my temperature with the back of her hand before telling me to come down for breakfast pagkatapos kong umidlip pa saglit dahil masyado pang maaga. I just nod, although I have no plans of getting back to sleep. Maybe I should just study for my recit sa Spanish.

Bumaba ako for breakfast as instructed. Kapag hindi ko kasi sinunod si Auntie, akayatin pa niya ako sa kuwarto at uusisain, which is the last thing I need dahil baka mapansin niya ring hindi naman mataas ang temperature ko. I still take something for my headache, na probably from crying last night and from the fever I do not have, after eating.

I was already heading upstairs when Auntie Mel called out my name. "Po?"

"Akyatan kitang tanghalian mamaya?"

"Bababa na lang po ako." It's not like I'm bedridden or something. I'm not even sick. I'm just tired and not in the mood to work or socialize with people.

"Okay." She nods. "Adobong baboy ang ulam mamaya. Maraming atay."

That makes me smile. I nod, and then nagpaalam akong sa kuwarto na lang muna dahil tinamaan ako ng antok after eating. I check my phone when I get in my room, at may naghihintay na messages doon from Chio. I sit on the edge of my bed and contemplate kung magre-reply ba ako or hindi. I have no energy to talk, but I feel like I at least owe him something for being with me last night without questions. HIndi naman nangungulit ang messages niya, just asking where I am.

I key in a message because I do not want him going throughout his day wondering when it's easy for me to give him an answer. I send a quick text, saying I'm just home and I don't feel well, before keeping my phone somewhere I cannot easily reach from my bed para hindi ako ma-distract habang nagta-try umidlip.

I don't know how many hours had passed when I heard some soft knocking on my door. It pulled me out of my light sleep that left me groggy, so I wasn't able to get the door immediately. Merely standing up felt like a chore, and I'm convinced that I'm still half-asleep while putting on my slippers.

The daze dissipates when I hear a familiar voice, careful and hesitant to say my name, "Aju?"

Dumeretso agad ang mata ko sa orasan. It's 11 in the morning. Dapat nasa site pa siya or nasa office. What is he doing here?

Nagmamadali kong binuksan ang pinto, just when he's about to knock again. His fist stays mid-air during the few awkward seconds that we're just looking at each other. And there must be a magnet in my cheekbones and his ribcage because the first thing I was supposed to do was ask him kung bakit nandito siya, but instead I end up just resting my head on the spot where I can feel his heartbeat. Kahit na I was sure I didn't want to see people today, including him.

His hand goes to my back, patting me a few times before enclosing me within his arms on a hug. I don't know why, but it's satisfying to feel the rising and falling of his chest when he takes a deep breath after. "Hello," he whispers, then I feel his lips on the top of my head.

I look up at him, then I pull by his shirt at ipinasok sa room ko because baka biglang umakyat si Auntie Mel at atakihin sa puso kapag nakita kami in this position. I quickly lock the door and go back to just standing close to him, like really close, and he responds, to my delight, by just hugging me again. This is very nice.

"O?" he asks, eyebrows raised, when I peel myself off him, "Ayaw na?" He chuckles.

I shake my head no. "Put your things down." Naka-backpack pa siya na sure akong may lamang laptop. I sit on my bed then slip beneath my blanket. I watch him settle his bag by the foot of my study table.

HUmarap siya sa 'kin, pointing to his shirt. "Palit akong damit? Amoy araw ba ako?"

I shake my head no. It's almost embarrassing how I reached out to him and pull him by hit shirt para lang pumirmi na siya rito sa tabi ko. Whatwver happened to not wanting people around. I want him close. "Magpapalit na kaming sheets tomorrow, it's okay."

He pulls me into a hug after he lies down beside me. I feel him leaning his head towards mine when I rest my head on his forearm. He responds to me placing my arm around his waist by swinging a leg above mine.

"Higpitan ko?" he asks, and I nod in a heartbeat. I sink my face into the nook of his neck when he tightens his hug. This is probably the best sleeping position. "Higpitan ko pa?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

The drowsiness quickly revisits me in the short time we are quiet. I almost fell asleep but then I remembered that I still haven't asked him why he's here. "Did you skip din today?" I ask, looking up at him. He loosens his hold on me a bit.

"HIndi naman," he says in a low voice, shaking his head. His free hand goes to comb my hair away from my face. When it's done, it slides down to the slope of my neck, then to my arm, before making its way back to the spot on my back where it came from. "Undertime lang. Samahan na lang kitang mag-make up."

"Okay." I go back to snuggling close to his neck. "Ano palang sinabi mo kay Auntie?"

He laughs a bit. A soothing sound. "Sabi niya, masama raw pakiramdam mo. Sabi ko, may kailangan tayo gawin na kailangan ngayon kaya ako na lang ang pumunta. Pinaakyat naman ako. Yakagin na daw kitang kumain."

"Nagi-guilty ka bang nagsinungaling ka?"

"Slight?" He laughs again. "Reregaluhan ko na lang siya nang bongga sa birthday niya. Gusto mo na bang kumain? Tanghali na."

I shake my head no. "I want to sleep."

"Okay lang gisingin ka bago mag-1? Baka akyatin tayo."

"Okay." I nod. "Why? Gusto mo na bang mag-lunch?"

I feel him shaking his head. "Mamaya na. Okay na ako dito."

"Are you also going to sleep?" Baka wala sa aming magising kapag kumatok si Auntie Mel. The door's locked, so she wouldn't see us like this, pero kung tahimik kami tapos walang suamsagot sa pinto, I'm not sure what Auntie would think.

"Hindi. Pahinga lang ako. Gising. Tulog ka na."

"Okay."

My plan was to sleep, but I ended up just listening to his breathing and waiting for the next shape he's going to draw with his fingertips on my clothed back. His eyebrows furrow when I look up at him. "Ano? Malamig?"

I shake my head no. I contemplate about it for a minute, and he doesn't ask why I was just staring at him the whole time—nakatingin lang siya, patiently waiting—before I begin with, "I'm going to say something."

His forehead creases slightly. He nods. His finger stops padding on my back. It settles on a gentle hold on my waist. "Okay."

"But don't say anything."

He presses his lips together before nodding. Ang cute.

"He did not make it kahapon," I say. He just blinks, and I wasn't sure kung na-gets niya agad, but then he nods quietly, so I took that as a sign that he knows who I'm talking about. "Then I searched for my sister online—I know, not a thing I would do, kaya hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko ginawa. Then I saw he's with her. He did not even message me to cancel. Si Mommy lang sinabihan niya."

He takes a deep breath, but he still keeps his neutral expression in tact. The light squeezing on my waist after I finished talking tells me that he wants to say something, but he still keeps his mouth shut. "I don't want to have dinner with him." I would literally rather do anything else. "But when he canceled . . . I also wasn't okay with it." I take a deep breath. I was done with the tears last night, and I don't want to make my headache worse by crying more today. "What do I do with all these feelings?"

He drops a kiss on my forehead. I want another one, but I am not going to ask him for that so I just give him a quick peck on the lips. The way his eyes widened a bit made me chuckle. I'm okay now. "You can speak."

"Gano'n pala signal kapag puwede na akong magsalita? Next time, mula umaga, quiet na lang ako," he says kaya napairap ako. "Para magsalita ako 'pag kinakausap mo 'ko, kailangan mo muna akong i-kiss. Kapag gusto mo mahaba reply ko, kailangan mahaba din yung ki—"

"Ohmygod. Shut up." I cover his mouth with my hand na agad ko rin namang binawi nang maramdaman kong hinahalikan niya 'yun. Ipunas ko nga sa t-shirt niya after. Mag-amoy laway pa niya yung palad ko!

He chuckles before pulling me close to his chest again. The leg he has over mine is quite heavy, but I surprisingly like where it is right now. "Sura kang ayaw mo pang mag-lunch?" I nod. I feel him kissing the top of my head. "Okay. Tulog na. Paggising mo, sasabayan kitang kumain."

* * *

Chio wakes me up after an hour and a few minutes. I fix myself up para hindi naman halatang galing ako sa tulog, before we go downstairs to have lunch. Saktong-sakto lang dahil kahahain lang ni Auntie ng dalawang plates sa table.

Dali-dali niya kaming pinaupo ni Chio as if we're going to faint if hindi kami kakain agad. Chio and I don't tell her that we can handle ourselves nang simulan niya kaming sandukan ng kanin at ulam as if we're kids. That's her thing. Mapapagalitan pa kami kapag sinabihan namin siyang kaya na namin.

"Ubusin niyo 'yan," parang may pagbabanta niyang sabi. I think she put a bit too much on my plate, but I didn't say anything dahil nandito naman si Chio. He can finish my food. "Okay na 'yang ulam niyo o dagdagan ko pa? Itatabi ko na 'tong ulam sa ref dahil may pinaiinit si Dok na ibang ulam para sa hapunan."

"Okay na po," sagot ni Chio. Inutusan pa kami ni Auntie na iwan na lang sa sink ang plates pagkatapos naming kumain.

I look at Chio's plate when Auntie Mel's done in the kitchen and goes inside her room. I push my plate closer to his, and then kinuha ko lahat ng atay from his plate and then inilipat ko sa 'kin. He chuckles before taking half the rice off my plate and transferring it to his.