another long chapter ahead . . . T_T 

091523 #BYLAMwp Chapter 20

Chio fully recovered over the weekend. Although, I think he was praying na sana hindi na lang siya gumaling agad, or sana this week na lang siya nagkasakit so he would have had to take the Surveying exam next week pa. He's also back to bombarding my inbox every night before he goes to sleep, greeting me first thing in the morning, taking me to lunch, walking with me papunta sa parking pauwi, and trying not to smile when our eyes meet during random times of the day. I'm glad, because I didn't want to take 'yung exam kanina with a mind that's too overworked about something else to even think of numbers—kagaya ng nangyari last week.

"What?" I ask Eri nang lapitan niya ako after dismissal. She holds my hands with both of hers and stares at me like she's about to tell me something I would not like to hear. Kinabahan ako nang kaunti. I narrow my eyes at her and try to take a guess kung ano'ng pakay niya sa 'kin.

"Ano yun?" Chio asks, looking at Eri from behind me. I feel his hand lightly tugging on the strap of my handbag na hindi ko naman maaalis sa balikat ko because Eri is trapping both my hands.

"I don't know." To Eri, I ask, "Ano?"

Eri takes a deep breath, even closing her eyes. Napunta ang tingin ko kay Sab na nasa seat niya pa nang maramdaman ko ang tingin niya sa 'kin. I have no idea why she wiggles her brows at me, but I bring my gaze back to Eri quickly and take a step to the side to put some distance between me and Chio na nakatayo sa likuran ko.

"So . . ." Eri trails. She squeezes my hand. "Kailangan namin ng tutor—"

"No." Kahit magkano pa ang ibayad sa 'kin, no. Gun to my head, I would still say no.

Eri lets out a disappointed sound, whining. May kasama pang dabog nang slight. I sigh when she doesn't let go of my hand dahil feeling ko, she's planning to drag this conversation for hours hanggang sa mapa-oo niya ako.

Hindi naman magbabago ang isip ko. And what makes them think I can teach? "Wala kayong matututuhan sa 'kin," I say. "Go ask Jass."

The exam is right before the month ends, sa isang linggo. It's a make-up exam for those whose grades are nearing the barely passing point or sa kung sino'ng gustong magpahatak ng grades. Tapos na ako sa coursework n'un at honestly, ayaw ko nang isipin muna yun in a while. Sabi pati ni Eri, 'namin.' So hindi lang siya ang tuturuan? Sa isang tao pa nga lang, kapos na ang pasensya ko. I feel like saying yes to this would mean putting our friendship in jeopardy dahil nagkaubusan ng pasensya.

"Hindi daw siya available from 28," Eri says. To be fair, I can see the desperation on her eyes, at feeling ko rin naman si Jass ang una niyang in-approach for this. Matagal-tagal pa rin 'yung 28. "May material naman galing do'n sa fellow, but wala namang answer key. Ano'ng gagawin namin do'n?" she adds, looking like she's about to cry.

"Wala na bang iba?" tanong ko. She shakes her head. "Babagsak ka ba?" Kung hindi naman, 'wag na kumuha ng incentive.

She clicks her tongue, shaking her head. I still don't want to do it, so I shake my head no, too. She falls to her knees in front of me as if she's praying, kaya naman napalakas ang tawa ni Chio na naghihintay pa rin sa 'kin.

"Wala talaga kayong matututhan sa 'kin," I reiterate. I cannot teach.

"Sagutan mo na lang 'yung mga samplex saka worksheets," Eri tries to have a compromise, still kneeling kaya naman sinubukan ko siyang hilahin patayo. Wala naman siyang grades na hinahabol for scholarships or what. Is she pressured dahil puro Latin honors 'yung mga kuya niya? Bakit hindi na lang siya sa mga kuya niya lumapit? Hindi rin sila free? Ang malas naman niya. "Please? Please, please, please . . ."

"Sagutan mo na nga lang," Chio suggests, whispering from behind me. "Mabilis lang sa 'yo yun."

"E hindi ko naman maituturo sa kanila." They would still end up asking me about it, kasi nga ako 'yung nagsagot. And what I'm worried about is 'yung ability ko na magpaliwanag. Wala akong ganun. I barely have the energy to hold a conversation, magpaliwanag pa kaya? "And ilan ba kayo?" I ask Eri.

She points to herself, then to Sab na hindi pa rin umaalis dahil sabay sila ni Eri uuwi like usual, then she looks around the room pero wala nang maituro so probably mga umuwi na. "Four lang."

One is already way too many. And she and Sab are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed when it comes to that major.

Sab suddenly speaks, "Five. Sama na namin si Chio."

Napalingon ako kay Chio. He shrugs. "Okay lang din naman."

"Magte-take ka ba?" I ask.

"Puwedeng oo, puwedeng hindi. Depende sa trip." That's just a nice way of saying that he does not care.

"Magte-take na 'yan," sabat ni Sab. She stands up and pulls Eri on the arm para gumaya sa kaniya. Eri still won't let go of my hand, though, kahit pagkatayo niya. "Mata-traffic na tayo niyan, Rina," she says to Eri bago ako lingunin ako ulit. My eyebrows furrow at the grin she gives me after. "Payag ka na? Sama na namin si Chio."

"So what?" I ask, and the way it came out was accidentally a bit too aggressive than my liking that it made me gulp. Bakit kasi parang loaded with something else 'yung last statement niya!

Tinawanan lang naman ako ni Sab na parang hindi naman na-offend sa tono ko. I turn my head to Chio to see his reaction, or to check kung pinagti-trip-an nila ako ni Sab, pero parang hindi naman ganun and wala ring kakaba-kaba 'tong lalaking 'to sa dugo niya. He's just standing there like he's waiting for orders.

Chio merely looks at me back like a clueless puppy. Walang kapake-pake kung may ini-insinuate 'yung sinabi ni Sab or wala. "Sasagutan mo lang naman. Kapag pinaliwanag mo tapos di namin gets, kami na bahala do'n," he says, to which the desperate Eri agrees with.

I look away when he smiles dahil parang binubudol niya ako, then sinamaan ko ng tingin si Sab who seems to be closely watching me for some reason. Binalik ko na lang kay Eri ang tingin ko as I try to free my hands.

"Libre na lang kitang dinner pagkatapos," Chio says so quietly that I even took a minute to process kung sinabi ba talaga niya yun o guni-guni ko lang. Nagpipigil na siya ng ngiti when I look back at him which confirms that it was not just in my head.

I keep a straight face before nodding kay Eri. Whatever the fuck happened about not being qualified to tutor. Ewan ko ba.

May dinner naman sa bahay. Nakakakain naman ako araw-araw, kung kailan at ilang beses ko gusto. I have no idea why this guy's simple invitation to free dinner for two consecutive days suddenly made me say yes.

Eri squeals in delight, then proceeds to hug me na in-endure ko na lang. I don't do hugs, but I let people I like hug me, kaya hinayaan ko lang siya. The straps of my handbag are quick to slide from my shoulder, to the line of my arm na awkwardly suspended in air because I do not know what to do with them in hugs, to my hand, then transfers to Chio's na siyang humigit n'un. Then he and Sab goes out of the room, parehas mukhang uwing-uwi na. Sumunod kami ni Eri with her hooking an arm with mine.

"Ihahatid mo?" Sab asks Chio nang tumigil kami sa baba because doon kami magpa-part ng ways. I try to keep my face neutral at hindi mag-react sa tanong ni Sab dahil baka mas magmukha akong defensive if ever. Wala namang malisya 'yung tanong niya unless lalagyan ko.

I was expecting Chio to say no, dahil so far for this week, I just keep on dropping him off sa sakayan instead of having him drive me home. To my surprise he nods, then says, "Oo. Makikikain ako," before walking away and waving goodbye kina Sab nang nakatalikod na at parang nagmamadali.

Sab laughs. She taps my arm—and fortunately does not ask any more questions or wiggles her brows at me suggestively—at the same time Eri kisses my cheek. Sumunod ako kay Chio na tumigil sa paglalakad at nanonood sa 'min. He continues to walk nang makarating ako sa tabi niya.

"Are you having dinner nga sa 'min?" I ask. Sa kapal ng mukha ng isang 'to, I would not be surprised na he's inviting himself to dinner at home. I just have to know before we go para masabihan ko agad si Auntie Mel in case kaunti lang ang sinaing niya dahil kami lang namang dalawa usually ang kumakain dahil nakakakain na si Mommy outside before coming home.

Chio laughs, then shakes his head. My lips twist into a pout. So sinabi lang niya yun? "But you're taking me home?"

He looks at me, tilts his head, and seems to fights off a smile based on how the corners of his lips twitch. "Oo naman. Tapos na exam e."

"Meron pa next week, and you're taking 'yung make-up."

"Basta tapos na for this week," he replies, forehead creasing upon the mention of workload. Kumamot pa siya sa tenga na parang ayaw marinig yung sinabi ko. E totoo naman. We're almost done with the sem, pero yun nga—almost pa lang.

"Mamaya na tayo umuwi," he says pagkarating namin sa tapat ng sasakyan ko. He opens the zipper of my handbag at itinapat yun sakin so I can get the keys na ibinigay ko rin naman sa kaniya. I get on the shotgun seat after he pulls the door open for me.

"Why?" tanong ko pagpasok niya. He leans over the backseat para ipatong doon ang bag namin. Before he goes back to his seat properly, he reaches for the ends of my hair and pulls on it lightly. I hit his arm with the back of my hand out of reflex.

"Tapos na 'yung exam this week."

I am still confused. Ano naman? Ano'ng meron? Are we celebrating kasi sure siyang he's not flunking Surveying? "So?"

He makes a face. "So ka diyan."

"Ano nga?" I ask, laughing.

He shakes his head, pouting. After pulling the car out of the parking slot, he glances my way and asks, "May pasok ka bukas, di ba?"

"You mean sa Spanish? Yes. Continuous naman yun." We only have a one week break every fifteen weeks or so.

"Kaya nga. Gagabihin kung bukas tayo lalabas. Kaya ngayon na," he explains, nodding as if he's supposed to make sense pero I still quite don't get it. "Akin ka muna ngayon."

That makes me freeze. Casual lang naman siyang nagda-drive, not smiling unlike kapag may binitiwan siyang joke or inaasar niya ako on purpose. Kalmadong-kalmado as if walang kabigat-bigat 'yung binitiwan niyang words just a few seconds ago.

I catch him glance at me when I hiss before turning the other way and hiding my face from him when I feel my cheeks heating up. He should be mindful of his words.

"Bakit?" he asks.

"Wala."

He chuckles lightly. Napalingon ako sa kaniya nang lumaigitik ang kamay niya sa bandang tuhod ko nang ibagsak niya ang palad doon. I immediately return to looking the other way because I would rather be kicked out of my own car than look at him when I know that my face is burning red sa simpleng sinabi niyang baka wala rin naman siyang ibig sabihing mas malalim. "Bakit nga? Bigla kang nagsusungit diyan."

"It's nothing nga. 'Wag kang makulit." Naman kasi. He should have just said that he wants to spend time with me today. Hindi 'yung kung ano-ano pang words ang ginagamit niya.

"Ba'la ka sa buhay mo, bruha ka," he says lightheartedly. Pinanggigilan niya muna ang tuhod ko bago yun pakawalan.

*

Chio decides to stop doon sa kabubukas lang na café. Hindi na kami natuloy-tuloy dito because Eri's too worried about this semester's finals. It's not that crowded when we arrive, and Chio snags a table na may booth seats na connected sa wall. Nauna na siya roon while carrying my bag. I pause on where I'm standing and watch him sit, tapos he taps the space next to him.

Naalala ko bigla 'yung pinag-usapan nila ni Sab—something about him not wanting to go here if I'm coming with the group, but we're okay now, so I kick the thought to the back of my brain where it should be. I never really asked him about what happened last week, partly because we're busy with finals, and the other because what matters to me most is he has recovered from his fever and he's talking to and looking at me like he used to. I don't want to worry about it anymore.

"Ayaw mo ba dito?" Chio asks bago ako umupo sa tabi niya sa booth.

My eyebrows furrow. "Ha?" Nakatingin na siya sa 'kin nang lingunin ko siya.

"May iniisip ka ba?" he asks again, holding me by the wrist and slightly pulling me close.

I shifted on my seat and dumikit sa kaniya. "Ano'ng iniisip?"

Lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay ko nang hindi siya magsalita. Instead, he just keeps on closely scanning my face as if the answer is going to appear on my skin any minute now.

Before my cheeks decide that it's time to start to blushing because of how intensely he's looking at me, he shakes his head before letting go of my wrist and pulling his face away. "Wala. Shinu-sure ko lang."

"Iisipin about what?" confused kong tanong before reaching for my bag on the table and pulling it closer to me. I fish my wallet.

"Eee, basta," he answers, eyes on the overhead menu. "'Yang mukha mo obvious kapag may iniisip e."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," natatawa kong sabi bago tumayo.

Napalingon siya sa 'kin. "Saan ka pupunta?"

"O-order?" I show him my wallet.

One side of his lips pull up to a smirk. "Wow. Bago 'yan a. Ikaw bibili?"

I shrug. Tinanaw ko ang menu. Na-realize ko lang the last time he was not talking to me that he knows what to get for me every time pero ako, walang idea sa kung ano'ng gusto niya. Which kind of makes sense kasi kahit nga para sa sarili ko, I can't decide what to buy. But still, it won't hurt to switch it up a bit.

Of course, the change I want does not happen instantly. "Ano'ng gusto mo?" I end up asking him after scanning the menu five times. I realize na okay lang kasi kung 'yung food ko ang di ko magustuhan, kasi kasalanan ko na yun. But I want to make sure na gusto niya 'yung mapupunta sa kaniya. And sayang ang money if we would both leave this place unsatisfied. Well, we can always drive back home because I know we would never go wrong with Auntie Mel's cooking. I guess there is one thing I am sure that he would like.

He shrugs, still smiling. "Bahala ka na."

I frown. "Sure ka?" Why is it so difficult to decide on what to eat?

He shows me two thumbs up. I sigh before walking to the counter and placing an order for what seems like safe choices after going through their menu twice: carbonara and coffee-chocolate for me, chicken and matcha sa kaniya. A, meron pa palang isa. I think he likes matcha. But maybe that depends kung saan bibilhin. He seems to like drinks that I do not like. Or maybe he really just isn't picky.

My eyebrows snap together habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa table namin because Chio's watching me with a smile from ear-to-ear. He looks like a proud father. Feeling ba niya hindi ko kayang tumayo para um-order, or hindi ko kayang kumausap ng cashier man lang? Hindi lang talaga ako makapili.

His smile drops instantly when I sit in front of him. I chuck my wallet back inside my bag and reach for my phone para i-text si Auntie na hindi ako sa bahay kakain at umuna na siya if she's hungry. I look over my shoulders and to the mini fridge displaying some cakes. Should I at least get Auntie Mel something?

"Dito ka sa tabi ko," Chio demands after I keep my phone inside my bag. For some reason, this pouty look on him always makes me smile. Lalo na kapag inis na inis na, parang mas lalong ayaw kong pagbigyan sa gusto. Maybe it's because he's always so cheery and smiling kaya when he's sulking, frowning, or has his forhead creased kapag nagsusungit, I find him more . . . I don't know . . . attractive . . . ?

I prop my elbow on the table and rest my chin on my palm, watching him be annoyed that I did not go back to the spot beside him. His eyebrows furrow. Ilang beses niya ulit tinapik ang space sa tabi niya. He scoffs when I shake my head no, and I hide my smile behind my palm.

"Dito ka na nga," he says, sounding a bit more serious now. I clear my throat and go back to sporting a straight face bago kuhain ulit ang phone ko and mag-pretend na busy doon. Just a little payback for ignoring me last week. I like how he looks when he's annoyed pero not to the point na he's ignoring me or he's seriously mad. Ayaw ko ng ganun siya.

"Aju."

He sounds like he's in the middle of begging and demanding, and that makes me laugh. Stupid, clingy boy. He brushes his hair back with his fingers out of annoyance nang hindi agad humupa ang tawa ko.

"Pogi ka rin talaga minsan."

Well, I'm fucked.

I clear my throat when mabilis na umangat ang tingin niya sa 'kin, both his eyebrows raising. Now I'm really not taking that seat beside him; baka asarin niya ako. Tadtad na ng exclamation point ang message line ko for Auntie Mel dahil nagkukunwari lang naman akong may pinagkaka-busy-han dito.

"Sus. . ." mahina niyang reaction. He leans back on the booth and folds both his arms over his chest. "Narinig ko na 'yan, ano'ng bago?"

I lift my gaze to him because that's a better response than what I was expecting. I was expecting na buong hapon, kukulitin niya ako into saying it again, or he'll keep on reminding me na nadulas ako at natawag siyang pogi.

I clear the rows of exclamation points na tinype ko sa keypad. "Really?"

"Oo naman," he says, nagyayabang. Napailing na lang ako. "Hindi naman big deal."

"Ah . . ." I nod. Ganun? Naririnig niya sa iba? At tuwang-tuwa naman siya? "Then I won't say it anymore."

"Huy," mabilis niyang sita kaya natawa ako ulit. He reaches for my arm na nakapatong sa table at ginalaw yun nang ginalaw it. There's this horrified look on his face which made it even funnier. "Bakit naman?!" he asks, trying to keep his voice hushed.

"You can hear it from somebody else," I reply, shrugging for the added effect. "What's the point of saying it pa?"

"Naman 'to." Now he's back to sulking. Sumandal siya ulit nang ayos sa booth, then goes back to folding his arms across his chest. Akala mo batang inaway.

"Get your phone," utos ko.

His eyebrows raise. "Ano?"

"I-record mo, I'll say it again."

The stupid boy rushes to get his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. His frown comes back when he hears me laughing. As if he doesn't know me enough that I would not do that kahit bayaran niya pa ako. "O? Akala ko ba you hear it often so it's not a big deal?"

"Nakakainis ka," nakasimangot niyang reklamo bago padabog na ilapag ang phone sa table. Lumipat na ako sa tabi niya because mukha na siyang nakakaawa. Parang batang inaway ng kalaro.

I drop a peck on his cheek para makabawi, and also because I meant it when I said that he looks good today. He clicks his tongue before repeatedly saying nakakainis, then slightly sliding off his seat to rest his head on my shoulder. "Kakabuwisit kang babae ka minsan," he whispers directly to my ear. I shove his face away dahil nakikiliti ako kapag nararamdamdamn ko sa balat ko ang hininga niya.

"Nag-e-mail na ba ulit 'yung sa internship?" he asks when he's finally done whining and we're still waiting for food. Umayos na siya ng pagkakaupo, probably because he's starting to feel pain sa tailbone niya because of the way he's sitting para lang maisandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko.

I just move closer to him since I know that's what he likes. Hindi ako makasandal nang ayos sa booth because his arm is behind me, at nakatukod ang palad niya on the space beside my thigh.

"Not yet," sagot ko while scrolling through my school mail. I'm not leaving for Spain yet this year, and since wala naman akong gagawin but to study, I have to take the internship required this year para makapag-enroll ako next academic year.

Chio picks up our order nang tawagin 'yung name ko. He eyes the food on the tray habang naglalakad papunta sa table namin.

"Akin 'yung matcha kasi ayaw mo naman nito," he says, placing the chocolate truffle in front of me tapos sa side niya 'yung matcha frappe. He leaves the plate of chicken and rice at 'yung pasta sa tray. "Alin ang iyo dito?"

"'Yung carbonara," I answer before moving my bag sa empty seats in front of us so we would have more room.

"Sure ka?" he asks, arching a brow. Tumango ako. He doesn't look convinced. Umiiling-iling pa siya nang ilapag yun sa tapat ko. "Tikman mo muna."

My forehead creases. He sits beside me and hands me a fork, mukhang walang balak galawin 'yung pagkain niya unless bawasan ko muna 'yung akin. I'm confused why, but I mix around the sauce on the pasta bago tumikim.

I know I kept a straight face, but maybe it's my slow blinking that gave it away that I do not like how it tastes. Hindi naman siya sa hindi masarap—I just cannot decide kung matabang ba siya, or medyo napaalat at naparami 'yung parmesan. Or maybe sanay lang ako sa luto ni Auntie Mel nito na more on the sweet side. Natawa nang mahina si Chio bago walang sabi-sabing pagpalitin ang plates namin.

"Sabi na e," he says. "Magkanin ka na lang para mabusog ka. Kakain naman ako ulit sa bahay pag-uwi. Ikaw, hindi na." He's right. Bukas na ulit ng umaga ang kain ko if not around lunch dahil busog pa ako pag-uwi.

"I can order something else if di mo 'yan gusto," I offer.

He shakes his head. Inubos niya muna ang nasa bibig bago magsalita, "Okay lang naman lasa sa 'kin e. Kumain ka na."

"Are you sure?" I ask. He nods. Baka kasi nanghihinayang lang siya that the food would go to waste. I wanted to get him something na alam kong magugustuhan niya since he has been doing that to me even way before we got into this thing. Overdue nang maibalik ko sa kaniya 'yung effort of being attentive.

"Next time, I would get you something I'm sure you'd like. Mafi-figure out ko din 'yan." Just give me a few more tries.

The corner of his lips lifts up while he's chewing. He presses his mouth to the back of his knuckles dahil parang gusto niyang tumawa or ngumiti but he's still chewing.

"Madali lang yun," he replies before grabbing a glass of water and sips. "Gusto ko 'yung mas maliit sa 'kin, maikli buhok, bilugin mukha, magaling sa Math, malaking 'yung boobs, halimaw lumap—"

"Tangang 'to," I cut him off, widening my eyes at him as a warning. Dere-deretso ang bibig niya na parang wala kami sa public place. He merely chuckles before going back to his food. But, seriously . . . "We can share," alok ko ulit dahil baka ito nga ang gusto niya.

He just shakes his head. "Mamaya na. Hindi mo rin naman 'yan mauubos, tingnan mo. Ibibigay mo rin sa 'kin 'yan," he says, laughing after. And again, he's right. I was not able to finish the two-piece chicken meal at may natira pang kaunting rice dahil nabubusog ako sa choco truffle na inuunti-unti ko.

Inilagay niya sa tray ang plate niyang wala nang laman bago hilahin 'yung akin papunta sa harap niya. He's still smiling, probably finding it amusing na na-predict niya halos lahat ng nangyari ngayong hapon. He has been in charge of our eating arrangement ever since we were friends

"Hay, naku . . ." He stares at me for a moment while I'm sipping on my drink, eyes still smiling. "Paano ka na lang talaga kung wala ako?" sabi niya bago simulang ubusin 'yung leftovers ko.

He returns the empty plates and utensils sa counter after he's done eating para raw maluwag sa table namin. Pagbalik niya, I ask, "Can I review? Baka matawag ako sa recitation bukas." Mabilis lang kaming natapos kumain, and I'm guessing he doesn't want to go home, yet, but I have language class tomorrow at kailangan kong mag-aral for that. Baka pag-uwi ko kasi, I'll just wash up and sleep dahil busog na ako or be too tired to study.

I'm asking him kasi he said he wants to spend time with me, so baka magtampo siya kapag I choose to study. He nods naman before snuggling closer to me as if our thighs are not already touching. Ewan ko kung gusto ba niyang kalungin ko na lang siya. "Sige lang," he answers.

Inisod ko sa tapat niya ang iniinom ko before getting my laptop and my notebook for Spanish. I try to keep my left arm stable nang ibalik niya ang ulo sa pagpapahinga sa balikat ko. There's a faint reflection of us on my laptop screen, and I see him reading my flashcards with curiosity. I just watch him.

"Mine-memorize mo 'yan? Gano'n ginagawa niyo do'n?" he asks while I update some new vocabs sa digital flashcards ko when I realize that watching him be curious on what I'm doing isn't going to give me progress sa mga kailangan kong gawin.

I nod. "Among other things, yes." Pero siyempre hindi lang yun. I realize that I'm doing okay with anything written or kailangang basahin, and vocabs aren't really that difficult, but when it comes to speaking and understanding 'yung naririnig ko lang at hindi nababasa, nahihirapan ako. It's like watching something on a foreign language tapos walang subtitles. Or inputting something sa translate bar in my brain but it takes forever to load.

He takes my notebook and tries to read a sentence. I laugh sa pagka-off ng tone niya, but I let him continue bago ko yun agawin sa kaniya because I need to read and re-read a lot of dialogues on top of remembering 'yung bagong words for the class tomorrow.

"El perro caliente," he reads from the first few pages of my notes when I put my notebook down. "'Tang inang hotdog lang, ang daming sinasabe," he adds which makes me laugh again.

Natigil lang ako sa pagtawa when his hand flies to my knee, the sudden contact hitching my breath. Mukha namang it's not his intention to double my heart rate dahil nakatuon lang siya sa notes ko. Nasanay na lang ang gago na humawak. At ako, hindi na nasanay. Lagi na lang nagugulat.

"Ilipat mo doon sa dulo, I need to type those," utos ko kasi unang set of modules 'yung binabasa niya. I don't mind him touching my notes, but I really need to get work done. "Akin na rin 'yung yellow filler. I need to read those dialogues."

He pouts bago baklasin 'yung dilaw na filler sa binder ko. I look at him, confused, when he takes my laptop at ilipat yun sa tapat niya. Inisod ko tuloy ang drinks namin sa side ko at pinunasan ang table ng tissue dahil baka mahagip ng basang area 'yung laptop.

"Ita-type lang naman, ako na," he offers.

"Sure ka?" I ask. He nods. I watch him for a good minute and wait na magbago ang isip niya but that doesn't happen. Sumandal ako sa booth and just watch him type—making sure it's the right module he's noting—and listen to him murmur the words to himself.

Something about that is wildly attractive. I don't know.

I feel him pause on typing when I press the side of my head to his arm. He clears his throat bago mag-type ulit.

I find myself smiling sa notes ko kahit wala namang dapat ingiti sa dialogue. I lift my eyes to Chio, but I don't let it linger for too long dahil baka mahuli niya ako at asarin. I sink my head further to his warmth. This oddly feels nice.

"Te adoro." The words slip out of my mouth quickly, catapulted by my heart without considering to consult with my brain first.

I said it very quietly but he managed to hear it. "'Te'? You ba 'yon? You 'yon, di ba?" I shake my head, refusing to answer kahit na he keeps on moving his arm, inaalog 'yung ulo kong nakasandal sa kaniya for me to agree. I lightly hit his thigh with my filler para tumigil siya dahil mahihilo ako. He stops.

"Ano yung adoro?" he asks and I shrug. He keeps on murmuring the word as if trying to figure out what it means.

When he lets out a gasp I thought he finally catches on, but then he says, "Adorable? You're adorable? I'm adorable?" The way he said it with that exaggerated tone made it funnier. He clicks his tongue, obviously nagyayabang kahit mali naman siya. I try to pinch his thigh through the fabric of his pants. "Maliit na bagay. Sabi na guwapong-guwapo ka sa 'kin e."

"Tanga ka."

"Adorbs pa rin," he says so proudly, earning him a light punch to his lap. He merely laughs.

How come he's so dumb yet so endearing? Hayop na 'to.

"I'm adorbs," he repeats proudly. I shake my head and don't say anything more.

It's I adore you, you idiot.

*

Chio decides na samahan ako sa class ko kinabukasan. Mabuti nga at may bench na roon sa may hallway where he can sit while he waits, instead of doon na naman siya mag-stay sa steps at doon makatulog. I would rather have him go home kung antok na antok na siya, pero wala naman siyang balak makinig considering that he insisted on driving me here kahit panay ang hikab niya habang nasa traffic.

"Sa amin ka na kumain," I invite him after texting Auntie Mel na magdagdag ng sinaing. He just smiles and nods, eyes closed habang inii-stretch ang braso niya at naglalakad kami. Ako, papunta sa room. Siya, papunta sa CR ng building. I would never not feel guilty on leaving him here for two hours. Ewan ko ba sa kaniya kung bakit trip niyang sumama e wala naman siyang gagawin. "But you can go home kung gusto mo. I-text mo na lang ako para hindi kita hahanapin after class."

He shakes his head, still smiling. I sigh. Hindi naman papaawat sa kung ano'ng gusto ang isang 'to. Itinuro ko sa kaniya 'yung door ng room namin para alam kung saan ako sisilipin if ever, bago siya iwan sa men's restroom.

About half pa lang ng class ang nasa room when I enter. I take the seat beside Ced and in front of his two friends na tinanguan lang ako as greeting. "Long time no talk, a?" Ced says, tousling my hair. Hindi naman long time. Wala pang one month.

"Finals," I reply.

He nods. "Same." He props an elbow on my arm chair and rests his chin on top of his palm. "What happened between you and your guy?" he asks.

I narrow my eyes at him. Long time no talk, kasasabi lang niya, tapos mang-iintriga agad siya? "May utang ka pa sa 'kin," paalala ko instead of answering. He laughs before umayos ng upo. Akala niya yata I'm forgetting na hindi naman niya ako nilibre.

"And don't you dare na makipagtsismisan with him about me," I add dahil alam kong nakausap na siya ni Chio in some way. Chio could not have known where to find me when I got hammered unless kinausap niya si Ced.

Lumakas lang ulit ang tawa ni Ced. He picks up his phone na nakataob sa arm chair niya, and shows it to me after a bit. I see his inbox na tinanong siya ni Chio kung kasama ako at na hinahanap ako ni Mommy. Ced simply sent him our location tapos hindi na siya ni-reply-an ni Chio. I glare at him before he retreats his hand and his phone nang makita kong may kasunod siyang message just a few days ago, asking Chio if he's free.

"Stay away from him." Hindi naman siya ni-reply-an ni Chio.

"Ooh, so possessive," he says jokingly. Inirapan ko lang siya. He chuckles before keeping his phone in his bag. "Don't worry, di ka pa namin pinag-uusapan. He's not even following me back," parang pareklamo niya pang sinabi yung nasa dulo. I try not to smile.

"Tapos na finals niyo? Dinner tayo nina Val, you want?" he asks, referring to his friend na nakaupo sa seat sa likod ko.

I shook my head no. Could have said yes and just took Chio with me pero sabi nga ni Ced, Chio's not even following him back. I know Chio's friendly at alam kong hindi siya mapili sa tao, pero I'm still considering na baka ayaw niyang mas kasama kaming iba because we already have plans of having dinner with Auntie Mel. I would just ask him next time kung gusto niya, but I'm still on the fence about it dahil baka kung ano-ano ang sabihin nitong si Ced at ipahamak ako.

"Wow. May plans," he taunts. "May driver ka ngayon, 'no?"

Hindi na lang ako sumagot. The annoyed look on my face gave it away, though. Kahit hindi ko naman driver si Chio today dahil wala akong dalang sasakyan.

Hindi na ako kinulit ni Ced dahil dumating na 'yung instructor namin. We are given a break after an hour, which usually, hindi ko naman ginagamit at nagse-stay lang sa loob if di ko kailangan gumamit ng restroom. This time, though, I get up and go out. I fiind Chio sitting on the wooden bench, tapos katabi niya 'yung guard on duty sa building. Chio smiles when he sees me walking towards him.

"Nandito ka pa rin?" Hindi ba siya nabo-bore na nakaupo lang siya for one our straight? "Gusto mong mag-snack sa loob? Doon ka na kaya pumwesto?" May nabibilhan ng pagkain. There are sometimes available seats, too. Wala pa rin naman siyang gagawin doon. Just a change of scenery dahil feeling nakakabato naman na dito lang siya for an hour.

"Break niyo?" he asks and I nod. He stands up and I assume na gusto niyang bumili ng food.

"Hindi ka ba bored do'n? Ayaw mo pang umuwi?"

He shakes his head. "Chinichika ko si Kuya Guard."

I am not surprised. He chooses not to stay sa canteen dahil nagkukuwentuhan nga raw sila n'ung guard. I just buy him a sandwich na siyempre, hindi naman niya tinanggihan kasi libre. I buy two para ibigay niya roon sa guard na dinadaldal niya. Sinamahan ko na ng tubig. He buys himself a huge bag of chips.

"May swimming kami mamayang gabi," sabi niya pagkaupo namin sa monobloc chairs. I still have a few minutes of my break.

"Finals pa," I remind him. Though, next, next week pa naman 'yung additional exams na pagre-review-han nila. If ever he's serious about taking it.

He nods. "Bakasyon na n'ung iba e. Ang daya nga." I pause on chewing the chips I got from the bag he bought when he tucks my hair behind my ear. I feel like whenever I am with him, I'm paying way too much attention on where his hand goes. "Kami-kami lang. Sasama sana kita kung puwede, kaso aawayin ako ng mga yun."

I appreciate the thought, kahit na wala naman talaga akong balak sumama if ever he invites me. It's his time with family, with his cousins. "Sabihin mo may ibang babae kang isasama," I say jokingly.

His expression drops immediately that it made me laugh. What? I do know how to make jokes sometimes.

He keeps on shaking his head before pulling his chair back and standing up, grabbing his chips before going. "Siya, 'wag na. Hindi na 'ko sasama. Hindi na talaga," he says as if sineseryoso niya 'yung sinabi ko, earning him a slap from the back of my hand pagtayo ko.

"'Wag na, 'tang ina. Mag-iisip ka na naman nang mag-iisip, kaya 'wag na lang. Takot ako sa dagat. Sensitive pati ang balat ko. Sila-sila na lang," he continues.

I try to keep my laughter silent dahil ang tahi-tahimik sa building. He eventually finds himself funny kaya sumabay siya. He walks me back to the classroom dahil patapos na din naman ang break ko.

"Adios!" he says with a huge grin on his face. Parang proud na proud sa basic Spanish niya.

I take a deep breath para makabawi ako ng hininga. Maybe I'm not used to laughing kaya whenever I do with him, ang bilis kong hapuin. That, or I just was not given the best cardiorespiratory package at birth. I narrow my eyes at him at binitiwan muna 'yung doorkob. He raises both his brows before taking a huge bite off the egg sandwich I got for him.

"You'll wait for me?" Mukha kasing gustom na siya based on how it seems like tatlong kagat lang tatagal yung sandwich niya. Maybe I should have bought two na for him lang.

He smiles. He points to the classroom door with his lips, reaches for the knob, and opens it for me. "Oo naman. Di mo 'ko kailangang sabihan," he says in a reassuring tone as if ang bigat-bigat ng pinag-uusapan namin when it's just about him waiting for me after class.

Fifty minutes later, we are dismissed. I frown when I hear the sound of rain at natanaw kong umuulan sa labas.

"Where's your driver?" Ced asks agad paglabas niya kasunod ko. Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata kahit na honestly, tanong ko rin yun. Where is Chio? Wala rin 'yung guard na kausap niya kanina so I have no idea who to ask.

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Ced laughs lightly. "Una na kami, ha? Text if you need me to U-Turn dahil late 'yung driver mo or something."

I just nod kahit di ko yun gagawin if umuwi na si Chio. Ced's two friends wave goodbye to me na parehas ko lang tinanguan. Naglakad ako towards the steps, enough lang para hindi mahagip ng ulan, trying to search for Chio dahil baka kung saan lang siya pumunta sa labas.

Where did that boy go? Umuwi na ba siya? I check my phone at wala naman siyang pasabi. Did he go back to the canteen?

I look back at hallway at tinatamad naman akong maglakad pabalik. If he's there, lalabas naman siya at babalik dito. Baka magkasalisihan pa kami. And there's not enough lighting at this place. Medyo madilim ang halls because dumidilim na sa labas dahil sa ulan.

Tumabi na lang ako sa gilid para hindi makaharang sa ibang lalabas. I send Chio a message asking kung nasaan siya so I would know kung uuwi na ba ako or what. I look back at the hallway when the building falls silent dahil naka-exit na yata lahat ng students. In front of me, gumaan na ang patak ng mga ulan pero mukhang walang balak tumigil anyitme soon. Good thing I'm not wearing white pants today.

I was about to message Chio again when I hear the sound of umbrella opening from behind me. I look up and wait for the umbrella to show within my line of vision. When it does, I look at Chio beside me who's smiling brightly. Looks way brighter when seen against the background of the greying sky.

"Wala ka na namang payong?" he asks.

Meron. "Wala." But I want us to share.

His lips twist in disapproval, face contorting in what seems like a bit of annoyane. He grabs my arm with his free hand and hooks it with his. "Paano ka na lang talaga kung wala ako?"

Kung wala siya? May payong naman ako, so I would be fine.

But I am better because he's here. So why settle for just fine?

*

Chio sends me a selfie with his sister on Friday night. Bibiyahe pa lang yata sila because 'yung background ay sandalan ng car seat. I remind him na mag-ingat at mag-enjoy before going to sleep.

The weekends pass by in a blur, mostly because I am asleep dahil wala naman na akong kailangang gawin aside from one last exam this week dahil hindi na ako kukuha ng extra incentives next week. Chio's out of reach during the weekend, except noong Saturday morning nang nag-message siya ng hello na hindi ko na-reply-an agad because I was still asleep. That was his last message.

I'm assuming na he's still with his family or he's also asleep dahil sa pagod, kahit na online siya. I don't think too much about it because I was sure that I would see him sa Lunes.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion nang walang kasamang Chio sina Sab at Eri na na-late nang kaunti ang pasok on Monday. I glance at the empty seat beside me, then at the door. Where is he? Nag-early vacation na ba siya? Nilulubos 'yung maximum absences before the semester ends? Sana sinabihan niya 'ko.

I even wait kung ano'ng sasabihin ni Jass when attendance was checked, pero hindi siya nagsalita when Chio's name was called, so I'm guessing na wala rin siyang idea about Chio. Pasimple akong nag-send ng message to Chio, asking where he is. Natapos na kaming mag-lunch at lahat-lahat, di pa rin siya nagre-reply.

I try not to think about it dahil hindi naman siya nag-o-online. Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, nagtatanggal ako ng sapatos when I see his status turn to active. I send him another message right away kahit na isang sapatos pa lang ang natatanggal ko. I watch my phone and wait for him to see my message.

"'Nak, ano'ng ginagawa mo d'yan?" Napatingin ako kay Auntie Mel. "Kanina ka pa d'yan sa pinto," puna niya. I quickly kick my other shoe off my feet. Hindi ko naman namalayan. I was busy waiting for Chio to respond. I pick up my shoes and binalik yun sa rack before heading to my room. Why isn't he responding?

Time passed by nang walang nangyayari. And by the time I'm sleepy, I sink into my sheets quickly, heavy with the weight of worry. Because of what happened just recently, I can't decide if he's just busy with his family or if I have something to be worried about. I fell asleep and woke up with my phone in my hand.

Hindi nakatulong na we never really talked about it. Until now, I'm not sure why he decided to ignore me, and made sure that I feel ignored, just a few days ago. I thought it was better na lang not to ask, kasi okay naman na kami, but now I realize that that was a bad idea. I should have asked him when his fever subsided and we were back to talking para alam ko kung bakit, kung may nagawa ako, kung ano'ng mali, kung may kailangang baguhin.

I never really apologized to him kasi hindi ko naman alam kung ano'ng ginawa ko kung meron man, and hindi rin naman ako madamot sa pagso-sorry. Mommy didn't teach me how to make friends, probably assuming that that would come naturally, but she did teach me how to say sorry when I have to. E paano nga ako magso-sorry kay Chio kung right after he got better, he's back to talking terms with me as if nothing happened?

Maybe kasalanan ko rin naman kahit papaano. Having him back to being close to me felt enough, that I didn't want to ask kasi . . . what if he does not want to talk about it? We'll go back na naman to that cold war na hindi ko alam kung bakit nangyayari in the first place? I don't like that. Ayaw ko ng gulo. I wish he had just told me kung may problem ba. Para naaayos.

We should not have just swept it under the rug. I should not have let that happen kahit na I feel better kasi he's back to smiling my way again and making time with me.

I need to talk about this with him. Pero how? Absent pa rin siya on Tuesday, and he's still not replying to me even if nakailang message na ako sa kaniya. I massaged my temple after fixing myself up sa restrooms because my head feels so heavy with all this thinking.

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad when I see Jass na kalalabas lang din ng men's restroom. I hesitate at first, but then it's about time we speak causally to each other kahit na walang nakatingin at wala kaming ibang kasama, so I catch up to him and walk sa gilid niya. He seems startled, and I know it's still quite awkward, so I make it quick, "Alam mo ba kung nasaan si Chio?" tanong ko. Hindi naman siguro odd to ask him about it. Chio and I are friends. He and Chio are friends. We're all friends here . . . . Nothing suspicious.

"Ha?" Jass asks back, but I know he heard me. That ha? was for himself. It's a habit of his. "Ah . . ." See? "Hindi ko rin alam e. Di ko naman tinatanong. Di naman nagsasabi sa 'kin pa."

"Really?" He nods. I nod back. "Thanks." Inunahan ko na siyang bumalik sa classroom because I know it's still not the same. I don't mind calling him a friend now, but I know there's no way we're going back to the way we were before—kahit 'yung kami before we decided to be in a relationship.

I feel better na hindi lang ako ang walang alam baout Chio's whereabouts. Even Eri asks me about it before dismissal. Because that could mean he's not ignoring me deliberately.

Meaning, he's not annoyed sa 'kin, mad, or whatever.

Meaning, I didn't make him upset. And I didn't do anything wrong.

But still, hindi ako mapakali, so I recall what happened sa 'min before he went MIA. I went out of the café happy—I remember that. He's smiling naman when he dropped me off. He even talked to Auntie Mel saglit, then pumasok pa sa bahay to change a lightbulb. He even asked me to walk him sa may kanto, with a mental plan to pull me somewhere he can kiss me without our security cameras seeing. Then on Friday, he had dinner at home. Inabutan niya si Mommy but that's not an issue because he doesn't mind facing Mommy. I was asked to drive him sa pinakamalapit na makapaghihintay at maisasakay siya ng taxi dahil umaambon pa pagkatapos naming mag-dinner. I don't remember if I said, or did, anything that made him upset. Where did I go wrong?

He's been on my mind the whole day that if I probably stared long and hard enough sa sasakyan sa harap kong halos di na gumalaw because of the rush hour, I could make out an image of his face. Especially when I decide to take the way na madadaanan where I usually drop him off.

I didn't go here because of him, though. Magda-drive thru muna ako dahil dinalaw ako ng gutom. I wasn't able to eat lunch earlier dahil ang haba ng pila roon sa gusto kong bilhan na alam kong mauubos ko ang food.

Maybe pakonsuwelo ng universe sa 'kin or what, but I see his sister on the same place where I usually drop Chio off kapag ayaw kong ihatid niya ako pauwi but he wants to stay with me for a few more minutes. I stared at her from inside the car for a full minute, dahil baka mamaya tawagin ko siya pero ibang tao naman pala at hindi siya si Chai.

When I'm sure na siya nga yun, I roll down the windows and call out her name. Hindi pa niya ako narinig agad because some drivers are so dumb thinking na blowing out their horns would make the stoplight timer go quicker kaya panay ang busina nila. When she sees me, though, her eyes light up at nagmamadali siyang lumapit sa sasakyan ko. The what seemed like excitement on her face made me smile a bit kasi naalala ko si Chio.

I unlock the door and tinulak yun pabukas. She hops in quickly, just in time for the stoplight to turn green. May bitbit siyang backpack at isang plastik ng mangoes na siguro kabibili lang niya from the market nearby.

"Thank you, Ate," she says while putting on her seatbelt. I guess I have to go to their house now because I'm with her, right? Hindi na suspicious? Hindi na questionable? Okay lang naman yun, di ba? Kasi may pakay ako roon . . . which is to send her home, of course. "Ang init, grabe."

Nilakasan ko ang aircon. I pull over sa drive thru lane na may pila rin. I get her bag of mangoes and carefully place it sa backseat while we're stuck in line. "Do you want anything?" tanong ko.

She shakes her head, still wiping the sweat on her forehead kahit na tinapat na niya sa mukha niya ang aircon. Natawa ako because I'm not used to that response. I'm not sure if she's just being shy, or hindi talaga siya gutom, but sinanay kasi ako ng kuya niyang hindi naman tumatanggi. I don't even have to ask Chio kung guso niyang kumain, siya pa ang magyayakag sa 'kin dito at mauuna pa siyang magsabi ng order niya sa teller.

"Bakit?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed dahil panay ang tawa ko. Hindi ako nakasagot agad because it's our turn to order. I order some nuggets for myself, and I get something cold for Chai to drink dahil parang gusto na niyang maghubad ng blouse niyang suot dahil sa init.

"Thank you po," sabi niya nang iabot ko sa kaniya ang drinks. Sinilip niya ang backseat. "Ate, di ako sa bahay, a? Ibaba mo na lang ako ulit sa may gasolinahan kung hassle."

"Why?" My forehead creases. That means I can't go to their house? "It's getting late." It's just a few past 6 p.m. God, do I sound like a mom? I don't want Chio's sister to not like me. Pero I really need her to be my excuse para makapunta ako sa kanila. Her brother is killing me and he does not even know it. "May pupuntahan ka pa ba?"

"Ayan, maghahatid ng mangga doon sa naglilihi," she replies, pouting. What? Buntis ba ang mommy nila? Is that possible? Hindi ba mahirap na yun when she's already at that age?

"How many weeks na?" I ask. Months? "And which hospital?"

"Ha?" She laughs, almost choking on her drink. "Walang buntis, Ate. Ayaw kong maging ate pati 'no. Sinabi ko na 'yon kay Papa no'ng elementary ako. Gusto ko ako na huling anak."

"What?"

"Si Kuya kasi!" paliwanag niya habang natatawa but I think mas lalo lang akong naguluhan. Probably noticing the confusion on my face, she stops laughing. "Hindi mo ba alam?" she asks in disbelief.

"Alam ang?"

"Saturday pa ng hapon nasa ospital si Kuya."

"What?" I hit the brakes. Napareklamo siya dahil natusok yata yung gums niya ng straw because she's sipping on her drink. I say sorry and continue driving dahil napabusina rin 'yung nasa likod ko. Fuck. "Ano?"

"Hindi mo nga alam?" takang tanong niya.

I shake my head repeatedly. Kailan pa naging dagat ang ospital? He told me he's going out swimming! "Hindi ko—" I clear my throat and take a few deep breaths. Tumaas yata bigla ang BP ko dito kay Chio. And I don't want to raise my voice kay Chai because she might take it the wrong way. "Hindi namin alam," I reply, trying to be calm. The stupid boy really knows how to make me worried.

"Ah . . . e ayun. Dadalhan ko niyang mangga kasi kay Mama nagsabi, tapos pinasa ni Mama sa 'kin kasi may meeting daw sila. Gabi pa naman uwi ni Papa, so wala akong choice," she explains na parang may halong reklamo. "Di niyo talaga alam? Di ba siya kailangang i-excuse kasi may pasok pa?"

I shake my head no. Nakailang malalim na hininga ako because I'm forcing myself to be calm and to remain alert while driving. "I'll drive you there."

"Bakit? Gusto mong makita si Kuya?" deretsa niyang tanong.

Mabilis akong napatingin sa kaniya. There's a suggestive smile on her face and I feel like I have been caught red-handed kahit wala naman akong ginagawang masama. It takes a lot of effort to keep my face straight.

"I mean, nandito na rin naman ako . . . I'll . . . I'll just make sure you're safe. Sayang pamasahe mo." What the hell has Chio been telling his sister? I-brief naman sana niya ako next time so I would know how to act in front of her.

"Ah, okay," she says in a sing-song manner which tells me she isn't convinced but she's dropping the conversation. I take another deep breath at inayos yung blades ng aircon sa may side ko dahil parang pinagpawisan ako bigla. Fucking hell. "Thankies."

"Wala siyang bantay?" I ask. She said their mom is in a meeting and gabi pa ang uwi ng papa nila. Puwede ba 'yung walang bantay? If I weren't with Auntiel Mel when I was a kid, nasa hospital ako. I know it's not advised na walang bantay 'yung patient.

"Meron naman, ngayon lang medyo nawala kasi may meeting si Mama sa bank. 'Pag umaga, si Mama, or si Tita. Maghapon na yun 'pag si Mama. Or si Tito, kapag hapon bandang five, ganiyan. Di naman nawawalan ng dalaw yun si Kuya. Si Tito yata nando'n ngayong hapon kasi exams na lang naman, wala na talagang pasok."

That's good to hear. But still . . . "What happened to him? Accident? Sabi niya nag-swimming kayo, a?"

"Kaya nga. Nag-send pa siyang pic, di ba?" she replies, glancing my way. Napahinga ako nang malalim ulit bago tumango. What? Wala namang masama if she knows that much—na nag-uusap kami ni Chio. Friends naman kami ng kuya niya. At kasama siya roon sa picture. "E, katakawan niya siguro kaya kinarma. Kain nang kain kung saan-saan tapos bili nang bili ng kung ano-anong drinks nang di nag-aaya, kaya ayun . . ."

I look at her momentarily when she stops talking dahil hindi enough 'yung answer niya. And then, what? Food poisoning? What the fuck happened?

I swallow my questions because ayoko naman mairita siya sa 'kin. And my speaking tone might be a dead giveaway na her brother and I are not just friends. And I should calm the hell down. It's not like he's dying . . . or is he? Puta.

"Okay naman siya Saturday morning e, nakapag-breakfast pa kami," she continues kaya nakahinga ako nang maluwag. "Then, umuwi kami. Natulog. Nakapagmeryenda pa no'ng nagising around 3 p.m. na. Tapos no'ng inakyat ni Mama for dinner, masama na pakiramdam. Akala namin nabinat lang or something. Napagod, gano'n. Kaso ayun, uminom lang ng tubig, dumeretso na sa CR dahil nasusuka. Tinry pa nga kumain ng dinner after kasi sabi niya iinom siyang gamot, e wala rin. Dalawang subo lang yata, balik ulit ng CR. Kaya sabi ni Papa ipa-admit na."

Ano ba naman kasing pinagkakakain niya? Or na-trip-an ba niyang laklakin yung tubig-dagat? Jesus.

I pull over sa harapan ng tower ng hospital. Chai steps out of the vehicle. I reach for the bag of mangoes sa backseat para iabot sana sa kaniya. "Di ka sasama? Sure ka na?" she asks, arching a brow. The action made her look too much like her brother.

I don't respond. My fingers move on its own and tightens their grip on the plastic bag I'm holding nang subukan niya 'yung kuhanin sa 'kin. They don't want to let go. Ano, Ju? Iuuwi mo ba sa bahay 'yang mangga?

Chuckling, she lets go of the bag and backs away. "Sige. Ikaw na lang magdala niyan, Ate. Hintayin kita dito sa baba."

"Okay. I'll be quick."

Pagkatapos humanap ng parking, I walk back to the tower with my takeouts on one hand and the fruits on the other. Chai waves at me when she sees me, at sumunod ako sa kanya papunta sa lift. She presses the button to the 6th floor.

Napatingin ako sa reflection ko sa mirror sa likuran ko when I notice how pale I am. My hair is dry from the humidity. Lips are chapped. Noticeable eyebags probably dahil kulang ako ng tulog kagabi kaiisip sa kaniya. A, fuck. I should have fixed myself in the car. Bakit ba ako nagmamadali? It's not like Chio would escape the hosital.

Napalingon ako kay Chai when I hear her stifling a laugh. She gets the bag of mangoes from my hold at the same time the lift opens. "Maganda ka pa rin naman. Masyado kang worried."

"I'm not worried," I say in a tone a bit too defensive as I intended. Fuck. "I'm—I was checking if there's something on my face."

She laughs. And it sounds too similar to Chio's. Or I'm hearing things dahil sa kaiisip sa kaniya. My cheeks burn dahil feeling ko nakapasan sa kaniya 'yung espiritu ni Chio right now and he finds it funny that I'm worried about how I look before facing him. 'Tang ina siya. "Okay naman 'tsura mo, a? Or gusto mo CR muna tayo?"

"I'm—" I need to comb my hair. Then, I see an image of Chio peeking his head from behind his sister's, grinning as if he knows I'm bothered on how he thinks I look, so fuck getting a comb and making myself look neat. I'm not conscious around you, Ghost Chio. "No. Tara na." I need to see him and whack him on the head. If he's already feeling better, he can handle that.

Chai leads me to his room. Palapit na kami roon when someone opens the door from inside, making the both of us stop from walking. Chai immediately walks up to the middle aged man in a crisp white collared shirt, asks for his hand, then nagmano. I follow slowly, then freeze when he looks at me, because, what? Magmamano ba ako? Is that appropriate? I just bow a little and greet him good afternoon.

"Buks," sabi niya, face tilting towards the other side of the still-open door. He's probably referring kay Chio because I have heard that nickname used on him before. "May bisita ka na. Alis na ako."

It's faint, but I hear Chio saying goodbye and telling him ingat. The old man ruffles the top of Chai's head, before giving me a look as if trying to figure out who I am. When he brings back his gaze to Chai, he asks, "Something?"

Chai laughs. I have no idea why she nudges me. "Something!" What the hell does that mean? I feel like they are talking about me pero hindi ko alam kung about what exactly. God, I really hate not knowing.

The man narrows his eyes at Chai. The first thing I notice is he doesn't look like Chio. The next is the ID lace around his neck na kaparehas ng kay Chai. A teacher? "Ikaw? May something ka?"

"Wala po a!" napalakas na sabi ni Chai. The man shushes her almost immediately. "Pero sabi ni Mama, okay lang naman daw. Si Papa, keri lang. Si Kuya lang naman ang kontrabida."

"Okay lang din sa 'kin. Do'n ka sa isa mong tito lagot," the man replies with a laugh. "Susundo pa ako sa Tita mo. Maaga daw dadaan dito Papa mo."

They exchanged their goodbyes. Nagtagal ulit ang tingin sa 'kin ng uncle nila bago magpaalam din sa 'kin. Before I can ask Chai about who exactly is he or ano 'yung pinag-usapan nila, she pulls the knob to Chio's room further open and pulls me with her papasok. Jesus. Magkapatid nga sila ni Chio. I feel like a rag doll na hinihila-hila lang when I'm with them. They move like sa bawat galaw nila, naka-full energy setting.

Chio's on the bed, may nakasalpak na IV on his left hand. He lifts his upper body off the bed upon seeing me na parang hindi pa sure kung ano ang ire-react. Well, shit, he looks quite pale. Yet he manages to keep his hair looking smooth and decent kahit na stuck siya sa hospital bed for how many days now. It's so unfair, remembering how my hair looked sa reflection kanina sa elevator.

""Yan, ha?" Chai says, setting the bag of mangoes on the small table na katabi ng fridge. "Dinala ko na 'yung dalawang cravings mo."

I shut my eyes tight when warmth crawled beneath my cheeks. Chio and I really need to talk about how much his sister knows. I need to know kung inaasar lang niya ako or what.

Chai grabs the plastic of loaf bread tapos nagmamadaling nagpalaman for herself. After taking a huge bite from her sandwich, she's back at the door. "Sa dulo lang ako ng hall, ate. If uuwi ka na," she adds before closing the door sa 'min ni Chio. Madaling-madaling na parang hindi niya kapatid 'tong nasa hospital bed at ang pakay lang talaga niya ay dalhin 'yung . . . cravings . . . ni Chio sa room.

Sabay pa kaming napabuntonghininga ni Chio when she's gone, and that makes him laugh. It feels soothing to hear him laugh after not hearing it for a few days. He gets up from the bed, akay-akay 'yung stand ng IV niya, and walks to the table. I take a seat sa nakadugtong na upuan sa corner cabinet. I watch him. He seems okay, just a little bit pale. Naka-white na t-shirt siya at itim na sweatpants.

"Di pa hinugasan ng batang yun," parang pareklamo niyang sabi while grabbing one of the mangoes. I put my bag and takeouts down sa seat before walking up to him. I snatch the mango from his hold pero inagaw lang niya ulit sa 'kin yun at binalik sa plastik na pinaglalagyan. "Mamaya ko pa kakainin. 'Wag ka na kumilos," he says as if I'm the one with an IV line on my hand.

"When are you getting discharged?" I ask. "Are you okay?"

He looks at me, giving me a boyish smile. "Bukas ng hapon."

His right hand reaches for the side of my head, and I look down sa table full of food when he pushes my hair back. Not having contact with him for days, goosebumps crawled on my nape at the short contact of his fingertips to my ear and the side of my neck. "At okay na."

"I'm serious," sabi ko na ikinatawa niya.

"Bakit? Seryoso naman ako, a? Okay na nga." He pulls a chair na nasa ilalim ng table. "Upo. Bakit ba tayo nakatayo?" He heads back to his bed and sits on the edge. I move the chair closer to where he is para tabi kami.

His gaze bores holes on the side of my face, so I don't turn my head to look at him. "Sino 'yung kasama mo kanina?" I ask before standing up because at this point, he's going to set my face on fire dahil hindi nilulubayan ng tingin niya. I can still feel him watching me when I help myself on the table and make myself a sandwich.

"Si Tito, bakit?"

"He called you Buks," sabi ko before bumalik sa tabi niya. I gather my hair to the side of my face where he's looking. I almost choke on my sandwich when he tucks it back behind my ear right after.

I should have told Chai na pumunta muna kaming CR before coming here. I really should have fixed myself if he's going to watch me closely. Kainis. "What does that mean? Saan galing yun?"

He chuckles. "Hulaan mo." I shake my head no. Ayaw kong mag-isip. I have my moments where I do not want to use my head. Especially now na ilang days niya ulit akong pinag-isip? I deserve a break.

Lalo lang siyang natawa. "Bukol kasi lagi akong nabubukulan no'ng bata."

That makes me smile. Just a bit. I'm guessing makulit at malikot na siya since he was a child. I can see the vision. "That explains why your brain works the way it does now."

He scoffs, pretending to be offended, pero natawa rin naman. "Nakaka-touch. Ganiyan mo ba ako ma-miss?"

I merely shake my head and stand up again to get my takeouts, which only makes him laugh harder. Seriously, I'm hungry kanina pa.

I was going to take my seat after when I look at him and realize something. I look around, searching. "Where's your phone?"

He merely points to the table with his lips. I see it there but I don't touch it. Hindi ko na yun tsinek. Baka patay or what. Given his condition, I'm guessing nahahawakan lang niya ang phone niya for like five minutes every day. His medicines probably knock him out. He even looks sleepy now.

"Bakit?" he asks when I remain standing. I reach for his hairband and push it a bit back. Pinitik ko siya sa ilong when he opens his mouth and acts like he's going to bite my finger.

This is what I find adorable? Sure na, Ju? Final answer? Then I should just ask Mommy if we can get a dog. That's less complicated than . . . kissing a friend who seem to have his heart in a platter, willing to have it served to everyone—bust most importantly, willing to let me take a huge chunk of it for myself.

"I thought you were ignoring me," I confess, and I feel like half the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Nahuli ko siyang natigilan, and my chest tightens for a second because that confirms na he was ignoring me. Maybe not now, seeing that he's been stuck in this place for a few days now, pero 'yung sa last time was different. "You were ignoring me. Last time. Why?"

One of his hands reach for the back of my knee and prompts me to move sa harap niya. Umurong siya nang kaunti sa kama, spreading his legs to accommodate me standing in the space between. He looks at me, and I do not know if it's because he lets himself be too transparent or I am just not used to seeing him have a debate with himself because he usually just says the first thing that comes to his mind, that it's so easy to spot that he's having second thoughts about what he's about to tell me. The back of my free hand goes to his cheek and he immediately leans towards it. Like may magnet sa kamay ko.

"Why?" I ask again. He should just spit it out. I can handle honesty. "Galit ka ba?"

He shakes his head no. "Hindi."

"Tampo?" I almost forgot that maybe he's not capable of getting mad.

"Medyo."

Bakit naman? "Naiinis ka sa 'kin?"

He sighs. His other hand, the one that is not glued to the back of my leg, reaches for his IV stand and pulls it closer to him. I figure he did that just to give himself a few seconds to stay silent. When I came to his house to apologize, parang inayos niya lahat ng kaya niyang ayusin before responding to me—pati 'yung mga hindi naman kailangang ayusin na laman ng drawer niya, pinaglalabas then binalik niya sa loob ulit. Maybe it's his way to delay his answer and keep his emotions in check. I'll make sure to remember this.

"Naiinis pero hindi sa 'yo," he clarifies.

Yet lalo lang gumulo. I don't quite understand that. "Then saan?"

"Sa sitwasyon."

My eyebrows furrow. He looks up at me and laughs. "Pero hindi na, promise," he says, and My spine straightens itself when his hand crawls up a bit and decides to rest at the back of my thigh. "'Wag mo nang isipin, please. Tama na yun."

"That wasn't very easy to do," I say. Best believe that if I could turn my brain off, I would. Kaya nga I wanna try being him kahit for a day lang. It's like nakakapili siya whenever he wants to think or not. "I thought you're ignoring mo ulit, so I was reminded." Tinanaw ko 'yung phone niya sa table. "Should have just told me you're sick."

When I look back at him, he's smiling. He shrugs. "Para ma-miss mo ako."

I cannot tell if he means that lightly, or if he's just joking, but that makes me frown. "That's not cute." Not very nice of him. "That's actually quite childish." Even for him.

Panic crosses his eyes. I know that's what it is because his hand lightly squeezes my leg agad. "Joke lang, uy," bawi niya kaagad. "Hindi ko hawak phone ko. Sorry. Nahahawakan ko lang 'yan kapag magte-text 'pag may kailangan. Di kita hindi pinapansin."

I sigh. I see the worry in his eyes. Now, ito 'yung cute. He's looking at me with pleading eyes and I try not to smile. 'Tang inang lalaki to. "Still, in the small percentage na you actually mean that . . ." I get it, okay? Maybe he's testing me or what. I just feel like there are other ways to know if I would miss him instead of a method that would force me to think that he's sick of my presence. "Just tell me what you want. I can't guess." Maybe it's because I didn't have friends before, if Auntie Mel doesn't count when I still didn't consider her as family. Or baka self-centered lang ako kaya hindi ako magaling sa ganun; I don't know.

"Ayaw mo akong kausap muna or what, sabihin mo lang. I can take that kaysa hinuhulaan kita."

"Okay . . ." he replies, pressing his cheek on my waist. I hope no one comes in. God, I hope no one comes in talaga. "Sorry."

"And don't make me upset by choice. Or for a certain agenda mo," I add quietly.

Because, is it really okay for me to tell him these things? To ask for these things?

"Kasi I know I won't do that to you. Unless there's a gun to my head, sorry."

To lay my heart out like this in front of him? To keep it within his reach where he can just grab it and tear it open if he wants to?

He lets out a short laugh, followed by a hum in agreement. He looks up at me with his cheeks still pressed to my side. I reach for his hair. He managed to keep this clean and smooth in this state? "Are you hungry?" I ask. "Because I am." Swear. Kanina pa.

That makes him chuckle. He nods. I take a step back, escaping his legs that were trapping me. His hand slides down slowly from the back of my thigh to the back of my knees when I stap away, seeming to refuse to end the contact.

Sumunod siya sa akin agad sa table. There's hospital food na untouched siguro because they're usually bland, then some bread and other snacks, at may lutongbahay din na nakabukod ng container. It's still warm. Baka dala n'ung uncle niya?

Yun yata ang kakainin ni Chio. Hinigit niya 'yung isang upuan for himself, then pulls beside him 'yung hinila ko kanina. He gets a spoon and fork. Nilabas ko 'yung takeouts ko. He glances at my nuggets and burger, and for some reason they make him smile. Maybe it's the sight of salty food na ilang days din niyang hindi nakita dahil baka bawal sa kaniya kaya siya napangiti.

"Can you eat ba?" I ask. Isang kamay lang kasi ang gamit niya. Maybe numb na 'yung kamay niyang may IV or ayaw niyang mag-backflow yun.

"Susubuan mo 'ko?" he asks, wiggling his brows. That makes me frown na ikinatawa niya. "Kaya. Kumain ka na din."

I take a bite from a nugget and watch him na palamigin 'yung kanin niya. I'm not sure kung bawal, but I'm sure one bite won't hurt, kaya inilapit ko 'yung kinagatan ko na sa kaniya. He looks at it bago sa 'kin. I raise both my brows. It's not like half a nugget would extend his stay here for a week.

"Gusto mo ba?" I ask. Baka naman kasi ayaw niya.

It takes him a moment to respond.

"Ikaw? Gusto mo na?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "You should really get out of here. Sinasabi mo?" Feeling ko he would only feel really well kapag nakakuha siya ng more human interaction. Hindi dapat tina-trap mga kagaya niya sa isolated room at sa bed for days.

He merely smiles.

"I just realized," I said when he takes the nugget from my hand with his teeth. "Lagi ka na lang may iniinda every time we would eat that together." Last time, he got punched so hard. Ngayon, he's confined.

Naudlot 'yung tawa niya because he's chewing. Umiiling-iling siya when he replies with, "Hayop na nugget 'yan, oo."

We continue eating. Wala namang pumasok sa kuwarto niya, and it makes me wonder kung saan nagpunta si Chai. I still could not finish my takeouts, much to the dismay nitong kasama kong patient.

"You're getting discharged tomorrow," I say. Uuwi na ako. I cannot stay here for longer dahil pupunta 'yung mom niya. At hahanapin ko pa si Chai before I leave the tower para may kasama siya rito.

"Oo," he confirms, nodding.

"Then di ka muna papasok? For the rest of the week?" He nods again. I bite the back of my lower lip before asking, "Mag-e-exam ka pa sa Monday? Or you would forfeit that?"

He stops on cleaning up the table, stands up straight then look at me. There's a small smile etched on his lips when he responds, "Mag-e-exam. At sasama ako sa weekend. Sabi ko magdi-dinner tayo, di ba?"

I blink a few times. Kada mulat ko, palapad nang palapad ang ngiti niya. "Oh. Okay. Tinanong ko lang naman 'yung . . . sa exam . . . so I can tell Sir na di ka na kasama sa bilang . . . if ever . . ." It wasn't really about the dinner. Maybe it was. Pero, not the main point.

He laughs. I take a deep breath, hoping that that would slow down the warmth that's threatening to creep on my cheeks. "Ang galing natin dito, 'no? he suddenly asks.

"Saan?"

"Dito."

What? "Saan nga?"

"Sa . . . anoman 'to . . ."

My forehead creases. "What?"

He shakes his head, smiling. "Wala."

He should really get out of this place. I kneel down to fix my shoelaces. "Chio," tawag ko sa kaniya when I finish.

"O?" he asks, not taking his eyes off the plastic containers sa table na inaayos niya 'yung mga laman.

"Bye," paalam ko before kissing him on the cheek.

His whole face turns pink.

Huh. Maybe he was right. Maybe he's adorable. 

* * *

you just made it past 156k words of chioaj

15 chapters or so to go :")