080823 #BYLAMwp Chapter 18

"I know na sabi mo you'll leave if I ask again . . . but what's going on with you?" Ced asks. I'm too tired for today that I don't even have the energy to stare at him in a way that will remind him na I meant what I said earlier, kaya hindi ko na lang siya pinansin. The dinner earlier took my mind off things, pero na-exhaust ako simply by having a lot of strangers around me. Isa pa, I still have the images of Chio's retreating back flashing in my head every ten minutes or so.

God, I think I pissed him off. The last time na medyo nagalit siya sa 'kin was when he mistook me for being mean kay Gracey dahil crush ko si Jass. But I had the upperhand in that situation dahil mali siya ng assumption.

But for this one? I don't know. And I'm kind of nervous because I have no idea how to apologize to him.

"Are you paying?" tanong ko kay Ced bago itago ang phone ko sa bag after turning it off. I messaged Mommy after class na I'll be out somewhere, and for the last hour she has been calling me non-stop, probably to ask me to go home because Dad's there.

Wala pa akong balak umuwi. I'm not coming home unless I'm sure he's out of the house.

Inirapan ako ni Ced pero tumango naman. He's the one who asked me to get drinks pagkatapos naming mapagdesisyonang umalis sa dinner. His two friends remained with our classmates, probably to get drinks as well, but I have spent too much time today being with strangers kaya mas gusto kong bumukod.

"Parang last week ka pa absentminded," he says. I manage to glare at him when he pulls the cup he's holding away from me when I attempt to grab it from him. "Seryoso, bakit nga? ¿Qué pasa?" he asks, lowering his head to meet my gaze.

"Later," sagot ko. I don't even know whether to begin with my Dad or with Chio, or if I should tell him both since he's not getting paid to do this. Maybe I should be thankful na chismoso siya so he doesn't really mind me venting to him about anything.

"Talaga lang?" tanong niyang parang hindi naniniwala, holding the paper cup near his chest. I scratch the back of my head out of frustration then nod. Ang bilis kong marindi when I'm asked twice. "Baka mamaya tulugan mo 'ko."

"I can handle my alcohol well," I reply. Besides, we both need to drive ourselves home so I have to be mindful of my intake. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano'ng kaya nitong si Ced so I somehow have to look out after him, too, and send him home sakali mang hindi niya kaya. "Por dios por santo."

Natawa siya pero parang labag pa sa loob niyang painumin ako. "Vale, señora."

Tahimik lang si Ced, most probably noticing that my ears won't pick up any words na sasabihin niya dahil pagod pa ako sa ingay ng dinner kanina. I roll my eyes at him when I saw him na maghabol-tingin doon sa dumaang babae sa may table namin. Nilingon niya pa ako pagkatapos na parang nagpapaalam.

"Go," I say and dismiss him with my hand. I don't want him to miss out on a chance with a girl dahil lang napagkamalan kaming in a relationship.

He pouts. "Maiiwan kang mag-isa dito."

"I'm not a child," I reply, shaking my head. And I still need to sort my thoughts out para mailabas ko yun nang mas maayos mamaya. "I'll be fine."

After maybe five minutes of convincing him and threatening him na aalis ako if mangulit pa siya, Ced finally left me alone. Iniwan niya sa 'kin ang susi ng sasakyan niya pati na rin wallet na parehas kong itinabi ko sa bag dahil baka kung saan pa yun mapunta. I just tell him to keep his phone with him dahil baka magkawalaan kami mamaya at maisipan ko siyang hanapin.

I sigh when I finally get my silence. Well, not entirely silent dahil may music at may mga tao sa paligid, but it's easy to tune them out. I lay my head on top of the table for a few seconds, pinakikiramdaman if I'm already sleepy so I know how much alcohol I can handle. I close my eyes, but only for a minute because the image of Chio walking away earlier flashes in my mind and jolts me awake.

I really need to say sorry. Pero tumatanggap ba siya ng sorry lang? Natatakot akong magalit siya sa 'kin because I have no idea how to make it up to him. And I would feel really bad because I can't imagine him coming to class without his usual smile on tapos ako yung dahilan kung bakit.

God, I hate the way that I am sometimes. Why do I always not have the answer to anything?

I don't feel comfortable using Ced's wallet to buy myself anything kahit na sinabi niyang he would pay, kaya wallet ko na lang ang ginamit ko. I walk around with the paper cup Ced bought me earlier, paying for bottles and keeping receipts para puwede akong makapagpalibre kay Ced next time with the same value.

Tuwing pipikit ako, I try to picture an image of Mommy and Dad at the dining table, pero hindi talaga yun ang lumalabas. I can't see Mommy in distress dahil sa kung anoman ang pinag-uusapan nila ni Dad sakali mang natuloy yung dinner nila. It's always that same image of Chio shutting the car door close and taking huge strides away from my car and out of the parking lot.

All I can see is Chio. My heart drops to my stomach at the same rate I remember how his smile quickly faded. And the kiss earlier? He was definitely annoyed . . . or maybe even mad.

Pero what followed . . . the way he touched my cheek after . . . . God, that felt nice. How does he know how to hold me the right way? And to do it even while he's tired of my shit . . . . All that tapos I just . . . made him mad.

What if he doesn't look at me the way I need him to again? What if he never holds me again? Fuck, 'tang ina, I'm the worst person in the world, am I not?

"AJ? ¡Ay caramba!" Napalingon ako kay Ced. He holds onto my arm for a moment, catching his breath and trying to find balance as if he just finished a marathon. When he stands back up properly and looks at me, pinanlalakihan na niya ako ng mga mata. What did I do this time? Where did I fuck up next?

"Kanina pa kita hinahanap," mariin niyang sabi. My eyebrows furrow. Talaga ba? He should have shouted my name or something. At babalik din naman ako sa table namin—if that's still unoccupied dahil binitbit ko na lahat ng gamit ko. Nag-iisip lang ako ng bibilhin . . .

"Patay ba 'yang phone mo?" he asks, showing me his. My eyes narrow on his phone because it's too damn bright as if he's an eighty-year-old with vision problems already.

Hindi ko naman maaninag yung pinapakita niya so I just look back at the selection of drinks at the overhead menu. My neck is starting to hurt trying to decide. When I'm alone, I usually go for the bestseller, or what sounds familiar, or what I'm already used to having. Kapag may kasama ako, na kakaunti lang naman ang pagpipilian because I don't know that many people, I don't decide on anything; Chio usually does it for me.

Now that I think about it, he does it almost all the time when we're out with our friends . . . . Then if I come back to that place alone, ang bibilhin ko lang ay kung ano'ng in-order ni Chio para sa 'kin if I still remember what it's called.

Tapos ginalit ko lang siya . . . . A, putang ina, ano'ng gagawin ko ro'n? Ayoko na.

"Huy!" I click my tongue and close my eyes shut when Ced nudges me and my vision spins for a short while. I hear him laugh the moment I open my eyes back up. "Bakit ganiyan ka makatingin do'n? You look like you're praying. Lasing ka na ba?"

"No," I answer, shaking my head and walking away. I let my eyes roam around the place to find us a table because nangangawit na ang mga binti ko.

"Makakapag-drive ka pa pauwi?" Ced asks. I scoff when he pulls on my arm and prompts me to pause on walking because he has to hold onto a post dahil nahihilo daw siya. He shouldn't be the one asking me those questions.

I sigh and close my eyes again while waiting for Ced to get his shit together dahil ayaw ko siyang akayin. He's heavy. I think he's just fine, nahihilo lang.

"No," sagot ko sa tanong niya kanina. I don't think I'm at my limit, but inaantok na yata ako. I can't drive if I'm sleepy.

"Oh, no, mag-text na lang ako sa puwedeng sumundo sa 'tin," he suggests. Tumango na lang ako because wala naman kaming safe choice. I have no one to call because I don't have that many friends. Unang-una, Jass is out sa options ng puwedeng tawagan, even though I think he's decent enough to show up given the situation. Eri can't drive. Sab may still be awake but I'm not sure kung nasa mood siyang mag-drive . . . . At anong oras na ba?

Then, Chio . . . . Of course I can't call him. Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko para tawagan siya when he definitely doesn't want to see me today after I ditched him.

Pero . . . would he answer if I call? I'm not expecting him to show up because his feelings are more than valid . . . but I want to know if he would pick up. Okay lang kahit hindi niya ako puntahan . . . but I want him to answer the call.

I just want to know that he's still there even if he's mad.

"What happened to the girl earlier?" I ask Ced as soon as we snag an empty bench. He laughs, then merely shakes his head. I don't know what that exactly meant, but now na he's here with me again, I'm guessing it didn't play out the way he wanted.

"Ikaw? Why do you look like that?" I throw him a glare because of the way he spat out the last word. Ano'ng masama sa hitsura ko? Kinutuban na ako sa ngiting pinakita niya after. "A, is it because of your guy—"

"My father had dinner at home tonight," I cut him off. I shift my gaze to him and see him just watching me with mouth agape, obviously confused. I sigh and continue, "Kaya ayaw ko pang umuwi."

"Wait, wait, wait." Napaayos siya ng upo.

I realize that I haven't told him anything except that I'm going overseas and Mommy's married to someone who's not my biological father. He doesn't know shit yet about Dad. "I thought okay kayo ng—"

"No, not him," I clarify before he can finish his sentence. "My birth father. Hindi kami okay. You want to hear about it?"

He lets out an exasperated sigh. Then, he stares at me for a few seconds na hindi ko alam if unintentional because he's trying to stabilize his vision dahil nahihilo nga siya, or because he just didn't expect that I'll be talking about family and not about . . . my guy (who is not my guy). Tumango rin naman siya, propping his elbows on his knees after and holding his head after. Hilong-hilo na yata talaga.

"He's asking if I want to stay here."

Napalingon si Ced sa 'kin, fingers still pressed on both his temples. "Gusto mo ba?"

Even I was surprised that I didn't have to think for more than a second to answer his question, "Yes."

He raises a brow. "Ang problem is?"

"I don't want to stay with him," I say. "And it's annoying because I have never even considered staying until he brought it up. Tapos wala rin naman pala akong choice because, there's just no way I would leave Mommy just to stay with him."

I glance at my empty cup and sigh. I need more if I want to wash out the hesitation that's starting to creep from the back of my throat. "Nakakaputa lang kasi he just keeps on barging in whenever he feels like it and ruin things for me. I didn't have a problem with leaving before. Ngayon . . . I don't know . . ."

My face goes numb. I don't know if it's the late effect of the alcohol or because I don't want to cry. Should I try crying?

I wait in silence for the tears to fall, pero ayaw naman. Wala siguro akong iiiyak. My tear ducts don't think it's worth it to cry over the same man who had made my mother cry a few too many times. "I never considered the option to stay kahit nga noong may boyfriend ako," I confess, and the boyfriend bit kind of made me laugh. What was I even thinking? Sana okay lang ako noong inisip kong magtatagal kami ni Jass.

"Do I need to forget all these?" Ced asks.

"Not really," I answer before standing up. He doesn't even need to say anything. Gusto ko lang may mapagsabihan. "But don't bring it up unless sabihin ko," I clarify.

He nods bago ako pakitaan ng thumbs up at bumalik sa posisyon niya. "Where are you going? Hindi mo ba kailangan ng input ko?" natatawa niyang tanong.

I shake my head no. He can't do anything except listen. Dahil kung may sasabihin man siya, I'm pretty sure my mind would just reject it. He can only do that much because he's not in my shoes. "Walk around lang for a while," sagot ko. "You stay here. Babalik ako."

"On mo kasi yung phone mo," I hear him gruff before I leave. Nalasahan ko na sa dila ko yung regret of telling Ced about it the moment I take a step away, and I need to wash it away immediately or else I would throw up.

I fish my phone out of my bag habang naglalakad at nangongolekta ng resibo because magpapalibre talaga ako kay Ced after this. I think a hundred times over if I should turn it on, but I have this gut feeling that I would dial Chio's number as soon as makita ko ang liwanag ng screen ko so I just chunk it back inside my bag and decide to just pretend it doesn't exist.

Kasi if I call tapos he doesn't answer . . . I think that's going to hurt. And I can't deal with that tonight when hindi ko alam kung saan ako uuwi, paano ako uuwi, kung magagalit si Mommy, or ano'ng dadatnan ko sa bahay . . . I don't even remember where I left Ced.

I really won't be able to take it if Chio doesn't pick up his phone when I call.

Maybe I should have went with him instead and ditched the class dinner. I won't be able to tell him about Dad . . . but at least he'll talk during the whole dinner and maybe even try to make me laugh. Maybe he would hold my face with those gentle hands of his and make me forget my several days' worth of frustration. Maybe he would kiss me before sending me home and then everything else would just not matter.

Hindi ko alam kung mangyayari nga 'yun. I have made my choice and there's no turning back time.

I just need this day to be over.

"Ju."

The familiar sound of the way that nickname was spoken disrupts my even breathing. So warm and careful. As if it's trying to lay a thick blanket over someone who's cold and in deep sleep. If my tear ducts didn't think that it was worth it to cry over my Dad, kabaligtaran naman dito sa simpleng pagbigkas lang ng pangalan ko.

I blink a few times just to make sure I'm not thinking of him too much that my mind was starting to form images of him that seem too real. After a moment or so na hindi siya gumagalaw at nakatitig lang sa 'kin ay saka lang ako nakasigurado. It's him. He's here.

But I don't remember calling him. "Chio?"

The way he quickly averts his gaze somehow felt like a light slash of a blade to my heart. He sets his jaw, walks towards me and closes the distance in between us, before grabbing the strap of my bag and taking it off my shoulders. What is he doing here? "Halika na. Umuwi ka na."

"Why are you here?" I ask.

He wraps his fingers around my wrist without answering. I stare at him and watch him while we walk, not minding if I almost trip or if he had to pull me to his direction and click his tongue every time may muntik na akong mabangga.

My heart drops to my stomach when he momentarily glances my way with what seems like pure annoyance. The sting that comes after makes me look away and focus instead on where we're walking para hindi na ako muntik na mabangga or makabangga at para hindi na siya magalit sa 'kin at para hindi na masakit.

"Wait, I'm with Ced . . ." I remember before we can get to the parking lot.

"Kadadating lang ng kaibigan niya," he answers in a tone different from what he used with me earlier. It makes me stop from walking because I don't like it.

He grabs my heart with both his hands and threatens to break it in two when he also stops from walking, tightens his hold on my wrist, and turns to look at me with no traces of warmth I'm used to seeing him with.

I don't like him like this and I need him to stop.

I take a sharp breath before taking my arm away from his hold. Narinig ko pa ang mahina niyang pagmumura nang hilahin ko rin galing sa kaniya ang bag ko at maglakad palayo, even if I don't remember where I parked my stupid car. It gets harder to stop the tears from falling in each time he would shout my name. He catches up to me quickly dahil putang inang ang haba na nga ng mga legs niya, ang liksi niya pa.

He blocks my way. "Ano ba? Uuwi ka na."

"Stop talking," I tell him because I don't like hearing him speak this way. "Ayaw ko pang umuwi."

"Putek naman. Ano'ng oras na? Uuwi ka na nga," ulit niya nang mas mariin. I look him in the eye despite the struggle to keep the tears at bay, and the fear na baka biglaan na lang silang mag-unahan bumagsak kapag tinagpo ko ang tingin niya.

"Fine," sagot ko just to get him to stop talking. Okay, uuwi na nga. I just need him to stop speaking so coldly to me. Ayokong naririnig na ganiyan siyang magsalita sa 'kin. "I'll go home. Okay na? Tumabi ka na."

"Sige nga, paano ka uuwi?" tanong niyang parang naghahamon ng away. At least he moves out of my way.

"Magyayate siguro ako kaya ko hinahanap ang sasakyan ko."

"O talaga?" He laughs. Of course it's not sincere. And again, I want him to stop because I hate the sound of it. "Nasaan at nang maipagsagwan pa kita!"

Bakit niya ba ako pinagtataasan ng boses? "Yate nga e! Aanhin ko ang magsasagwan, ha?!"

He purses his lips and grabs my wrist again, forcing me to walk the opposite direction. I can't get my wrist off his hold kaya napilitan akong sumabay. "'Tang ina, Ju, pulang-pula ka na."

"Aanhin ko muna yung magsasagwan!" Bakit di siya maksagot ngayon? Hahamun-hamunin niya ako tapos di naman niya tatapusin!

"Oo na nga, putek! Di mo na nga kailangan!"

Bigla niya akong binitiwan. I thought it's because he's finally letting me have my way pero inagaw naman niya sa 'kin ang bag ko. Bago ko pa 'yun maagaw ulit sa kaniya ay nakuha na niya ang susi ng sasakyan ko sa loob. I thought he's going to run away with it but he clicks on the fob and the headlights of the car in front of us lights up.

Oh . . . . Bakit ba kasi hindi to properly lit? All the cars look the same to me when it's this dark.

He tosses my bag to the backseat of my car. Inunahan ko siya papunta sa driver's seat even if he has my keys. I don't want him to drive me home. Ayokong ihatid niya ako when it's obvious that he doesn't want to do it.

He manages to get a hold of the car door before I can close it. The sigh he lets out after is enough to tell me that he's so done with me today.

At naiintidhan ko so I need him to just go! Para parehas kaming walang problema. "Hindi ako uuwi if you're coming with me."

He shuts his eyes tight, pinching the bridge of his nose in obvious frustration. Binawi ko agad ang braso ko when he tries to hold me. "Umalis ka diyan, Ju. Uuwi ka na nga."

"Hindi nga ako uuwi kung kasama kita!"

"O, sige," he says, seemingly giving in, making my eyebrows furrow. He stands up properly and folds his arms over his chest. "Paano ka nga uuwi? Makakapag-drive ka, ha?"

I look away. Kasabay ng tanong niya ay ang biglaang pagsakit ng ulo ko. I'm pretty sure it's from sleeplessness and from holding back tears, not from alcohol. But still, he has a point that I cannot drive myself home unless I want to put myself and others in danger.

Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin n'un ay solusyon nang ihatid niya ako pauwi.

I don't want him near me when he's like this.

"I'll just sleep here, then," I suggest. I look at my keys he's holding. I can't successfully snatch that away from him without stumbling and hurting myself. "Then iwan mo na lang yung susi where I can see it," bilin ko.

I was going to pull the car door close pero pinigilan na naman niya. Ano na naman ba?! "Uuwi ako mamaya before midnight, Chio! Ano ba!"

"Midnight-midnight ka diyan! Alas dos y media na!"

What? Time couldn't have passed by that quickly. He takes my hand off the car door and opens it widely, making use of the fragment of a moment that I was taken aback because of the time. "Kanina ka pa hinahanap ng nanay mo sa 'min, alam mo ba 'yun? Buti nga nasa wisyo pa yung kaklase mo na reply-an ako. Nag-aalala yung tao kaya bumaba ka na diyan, Ju."

He wipes a palm over his face and takes a deep breath after. He widens his eyes at me when he sees me unmoving on my spot. "Isa. Pucha, bubuhatin kita palabas diyan e."

I just sink further into my seat. I'll just go home this morning after I wake up. I take my shoes off, let them fall on the car flooring, before reclining my chair and facing the opposite side. Bahala na si Chio if he wants to leave the door open. I just really want to sleep. And I really don't want to be with him when we're like this.

"Go home. It's late," I say in a quiet voice, hoping he's not mad enough at me for him to not hear it.

"Haaay, nako," he says, followed by another long sigh. I close my eyes when he ducks his head inside the car and hovers above me. I don't want to meet his eyes unless he's looking at me the way I want him to. "Ju—"

"I just want to sleep," I say with my eyes still closed. The back of my hands are quick to wipe away the tears na bigla na lang nagsulputan. Fuck, ayokong sipunin bukas. "I'm—I'm so tired, Chio."

"Kaya nga," he replies. Hindi nakatulong sa pagtahan ko ang biglang pagbabalik niya ng hinahon sa boses niya. The back of my hands cannot keep up with the tears anymore, so I cover my whole face with my palm.

The pain in my chest swells when I feel his hands pushing back the stray hair on my face, the pads of his fingertips carefully drawing lines on my scalp. "Tayo ka na. Ako diyan. Doon ka sa kabila. Uuwi ka na para masarap tulog mo. Kitang ang init-init dito e . . ."

"Ayaw," I croak.

"Ju . . ."

My hand reaches for his out of reflex when I get a hint that he's going to stop what he's doing to my hair. I choke on my sobs when he frees his hand, and the relief was overwhelming when I realize he only did that to hold my hand properly.

"I don't want you to stay with me kung ayaw mo. I d–don't want to be with you when I know you would rather be elsewhere. D–Don't bring me home kung napipilitan ka lang," I tell him despite each word feeling like a hard punch to my gut—a continuous warning against letting myself be this vulnerable without thinking twice. "Please just don't talk to me if you're still mad. 'Wag mo na lang akong pansinin if you're going to look at me t–that way. I don't want memories of you na parang napipilitan ka lang sa 'kin."

I'll apologize to him tomorrow . . . or later today. But I would still rather not have him around than have him here but feel like he hates me. I don't want Chio to hate me. I don't like the feeling.

"Ju . . ." He sighs. I shake my head and refuse to let go of his hand when I feel him trying to escape my hold. His fingers still manage to slip away from my tear-and-sweat-soaked hand, and I can only cry harder. I grab onto him the moment he decides to hold my face on his palm. He takes a deep breath as his thumb keeps on wiping away the tears on my cheek. "Upo ka na, please? Baka hindi ka makahinga nang ayos . . ."

My head starts to throb, but I cannot stop myself from crying. I want him to stay here. I just want his hand on my face like this all the time. He manages to help me up and bring my seat forward with a grunt without removing his hold on me. He transfers his hand to my knee and sits on his heels by the car door, not taking his eyes off me.

There's a kick in my chest when I hear him laugh lightly before he reaches for my face again to dry one of my cheeks with the back of his hand. "Hay, jusko, Lord . . . . Gaano kadami ba ininom mo?"

"Dito na lang ako . . ." I would rather sleep here than endure the drive home with him kung hindi naman kami okay. "Bukas na lang tayo mag-usap, please? I just want to rest today . . . ."

He clicks his tongue in disagreement. "Iuuwi na nga kita, okay?"

"Ayaw kita kasama ngayon." My chest begins to tighten again. "I would just feel bad—"

"Bakit naman?" he cuts me off. His hand on my knee slides up a bit and pats me on my lap.

"Tingin sa 'kin, Aju," he says in a commanding but gentle tone. Parang hindi ko na maibukas nang ayos ang mga mata ako, and it starts to literally hurt to look at him. And I'm scared to look at him tapos mahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin sa 'kin na parang hindi niya ako gustong tao. "Hindi ako napipilitan."

Maybe he's just saying that because he has always been nice to me. But I know he has his limits. "Are you sure?"

"Oo, promise, okay?" he adds, nodding as if to convince me. "Sorry kung nasupladuhan kita kanina."

A new batch of tears threaten to form when I hear him say sorry dahil naunahan niya pa ako. He's so nice and I hate that I have no idea how to hold him near me without hurting him. "Pero hindi ako napipilitan, gets? 'Takte, wala yatang makakapilit sa 'king bumangon sa tulog ko nang 1 AM kahit ano'ng gawin nila."

"Why would you even do that for me?" I ask as I struggle to put my shoes back on. It's not rocket science to realize that I'm not that worth it.

Instead of helping me put my shoes on, he takes off his slides and put it on my feet instead, leaving him barefoot on the parking asphalt.

He only hums in response as he helps me stand up from my seat. My body refuses to move when I lean my head against his chest. When he figures out that I have no plans to walk yet and I just want to stay here, he laughs. Deretso ang tunog ng tawa niya sa tenga ko and I had to gather all my strength and will para hindi ako umiyak ulit at mantsahan ang puting t-shirt na suot niya. He's laughing and it sounds nice and he doesn't hate me and I just instantly feel better.

"Ngayon lang yata kitang nakitang nalasing, hayop," he says, resting a hand on my hip and pulling me close. His other arm follows suit and snakes around the back of my waist, pressing me deeper into his warmth. I never really liked hugs, but I like this.

I really like the way he holds me. It always feels just right. Like he knows how tight to wrap his arms around me, where to place his hands, and how to guide my head to his chest so I can hear and feel his heart. The sound calms me down.

"Basta hindi ako napipilitan," he says. I count his heartbeats as I close my eyes. "Next time ko na sasagutin kung bakit hindi."

*

My whole face feels swollen the next day. I don't remember what really happened after Chio drove me home except for me heading upstairs and locking myself up in my room. Hindi ko naaalalang nag-usap kami ni Mommy or ni Auntie Mel. Or maybe may sinabi sila, probably pinagalitan ako, but I was too sleepy so I naturally tuned them out.

My digital clock says it's already 10 a.m., but the blinds on my window remain closed so it's either Mommy's not pleased at me kaya hindi niya binuksan 'yun kaninang umaga pagkagising niya, or hinayaan na lang niya akong makatulog nang ayos at nang walang abalang sinag ng araw knowing how late I went home this early morning.

I reach for my bag na akala ko ay nasa bedside table, but it turns out not to be there so I forced myself to sit up and look for it. I find it lying on the floor, fortunately near enough to the bed so I didn't need to stand.

I look for my phone and turn it on. After unlocking and letting it connect to the internet, hinayaan ko muna 'yun sa mattress at pinanood na lang na gumalaw ang notifications ko roon from the same people. My eyebrows raise when I even see Jass' contact ID sa missed application calls. What time did Mommy contact him? Himala at sumagot siya because when we were together, mailap siya kay Mommy dahil sabi niya ay nahihiya siya. I don't know if that's true or if he already knew he doesn't like me enough to get to know my mom.

I quickly skim through their messages. Sa group chat na lang sana ako magre-reply para hindi awkward, lalo na para kay Jass, but I see that Chio had already told them na nakauwi na ako around 4 a.m. Nagtanong si Eri kung nasaan ako at paano niya nalaman but Chio didn't reply anymore. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog lang siya or he merely didn't want to tell them. I scroll up a bit to read their previous messages na mostly sina Sab, Eri, at Jass lang. The only message Chio sent last night (or kanina) ay yung sinabi lang niyang nakauwi na ako.

I exit that tab and go to my message thread with Chio. Ilang beses akong kumurap to make sure that I did not receive anything from him. His last message was a random video na hindi ko pa napapanood, along with his previous messages since last week that I didn't have energy to read and respond to.

That's . . . that's odd. Kay Ced ba siya dumeretso?

I go back to our group chat and still send them a message apologizing na naabala sila ni Mommy kagabi. I add that I was out with my classmates and lie that nalimutan ko lang sabihan si Mommy. Pabalik na sana ako sa pagkakahiga when the app says that Chio has read my message. Bumalik ako sa maayos na pagkakaupo and find my fingers rushing to check our messages. Gising na siya? What time did he even get home? Hindi ba siya napagalitan?

And how did he get home? I did have alcohol but I wasn't that drunk, so I remember taking my car. Nag-commute ba siya pauwi? Sinundo dito? All I remember is getting out of the car, blacking out, then waking up on the shotgun seat while he's driving. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is Chio waking me up, me getting out of the car, tapos falling face down on the bed.

Tinitigan ko lang ang screen ng phone ko. After a moment of thinking, I key in sorry, but then erased it right away because I feel like no matter how sincere I am, hindi niya 'yun mababasa sa ganung paraan. It would have been easier if he would message first, pero understandably so, mukhang wala siyang balak gawin 'yun. This just won't cut it. It's better if I apologize and thank him in person.

I decide to not message him anything and just read his previous messages. After that, I get up to take a bath and prepare to go out. There's a light pounding in my head, but it's tolerable. Lalo lang sasakit ang ulo ko if I stay here holed up in my room, thinking of how it would be like on Monday kung hindi kami mag-aayos ni Chio ngayon. I think Mommy and I have to talk, too, and I should also apologize for making her worry. Pati na rin kay Auntie Mel. I just hope na hindi mauungkat sa usapan si Dad because I seriously think that I would start to lose it if ever. I need a break.

Nagtutuyo ako ng buhok nang sumilip si Auntie Mel sa kuwarto. She was careful in opening the door first, probably thinking that I was still sleeping, then opens it widely with a sigh upon seeing me already awake. "Sorry po," panguna ko kaagad bago pa may luabas na salita sa bibig niya.

She marches to my table and hits my arm lightly with the handle of the feather duster she's holding. "Saan ka galing kagabi?" mahina pero mariin niyang tanong. "Hindi naman tumuloy ang Dad mo kagabi kaya hinahanap ka ni Dok!"

"Po?" I put down my comb and turn my head to face her. What did she just say? "Ano ho ulit?"

She gives me a disappointed stare before setting down the duster on my table. Dinampot niya ang suklay ko, then prompts my head to go back in facing the mirror. Napapikit ako nang paluin niya ulit ako sa braso gamit ang suklay bago ayusin ang buhok ko. "Nag-cancel ang Dad mo bandang magse-seven na . . . . Nakahain na nga ako," she says, voice laced with bitterness. "Tapos hinanap ka na ni Dok. Sabi ko nga baka kako kumakain kayo ng mga kaibigan mo. E 'ka niya e mag-a-alas dose na, bakit di ka pa umuuwi? Hindi ka pa ma-contact! Ano ba'ng nangyari d'an sa selpon mo?"

"Sorry po," sabi ko imbes na sumagot at sabihing pinatay ko. Now I feel worse. Wala naman pala akong iniiwasan sa bahay, nagpaalala pa ako at nakaabala. But Dad should have cancelled early so we all didn't have to go through what happened last night. Nakakainis talaga na laging sarili lang niya ang iniisip niya kapag magdedesisyon siya.

Auntie Mel clicks her tongue disapprovingly. "E may dala ka pang sasakyan. Alam mo nang iniisip n'un ni Dok, ano?" she asks and I nod. "Tapos wala ka pang kasamang kakilala niya, hindi malaman kung nasa'n ka nagsusuot . . . . Buti nga't nahanap ka n'un ni Io," she adds, forehead still creased. Inabot niya sa 'kin ang suklay ko bago salubungin ang tingin ko sa salamin. "Anong oras na 'yun? Tumawag 'yun kay Dok bandang alas-dos yata dahil hindi mapakali ang Mommy mo. Inuwi ka dito kaninang madaling araw. Sabi nga ni Dok, dito na matulog, ayaw naman. Tanungin mo nga kung nakauwi nang ayos 'yun dahil hindi na nag-text kay Dok at sa 'kin kahit binilinan na."

I sigh. "He's fine po," I tell her. At least in the sense na he made it home unscathed. "Sorry po ulit. Wala po si Mommy?"

She shakes her head no. "Umalis kaninang badang alas-otso. At aalis ka ba?" she asks. Tumango ako. "Bumalik ka nang maaga at mag-sorry ka sa Mommy mo. Maaga daw siyang uuwi dahil hindi nga 'yun nakapagpahinga nang ayos kanina."

"Opo."

"Kumain ka pati muna sa baba," she says. Tumango lang ulit ako. She rotates the blinds of my windows open before getting out of my room, still shaking her head, in disappointment, probably. Napabuntonghininga ako nang tuluyan siyang makalabas ng kuwarto. I have to get something for Mommy and her before going home later.

After getting dressed in comfortable shirt and jeans, sumunod ako sa gusto ni Auntie Mel na kumain ng breakfast bago umalis kahit hindi ako nagugutom. First, bumabawi pa ako from what I did last night. And second, I need to eat so I can take meds for my headache. Mabuti nga at hindi ako sinisipon after—

A, shit. Naibato ko sa sahig ang kapares ng sapatos na isusuot. I stand back up properly, lolling my head backwards as I try to push back images from last night (or this early morning) to the farthest and deepest pits of my brain. God, I wish I were just completely hammered. I cannot believe I told Chio all that while still half-sober.

Ano na lang ang sasabihin niya if he ever decides to bring that up? At puta, bakit ba kasi ang dali-daling umiyak whenever he's around?

"O, ano'ng nangyayari sa 'yo?" I hear Auntie Mel ask from the living room behind me.

I look at her over my shoulders and force a smile before shaking my head. Nagpakawala ako ng isa pang malalim na buntonghininga as soon as I turn away from her. I would deal with the consequence of letting myself be vulnerable some other time. Kailangan ko munang mag-sorry kay Chio. I just hope na hindi kasama ang pang-aasar niya sa akin about that sa ways ng pagganti slash pagpapatawad niya sa 'kin.

Nagpaalam ako for the last time kay Auntie Mel before getting my car. Ang tanging laman ng isip ko on the drive papunta kina Chio ay kung paano ako babawi sa kaniya. I would have taken him with me to the movies if I could, pero hindi kaya ng katawan ko ngayon dahil ramdam ko pa ang pagod. I would probably just sleep all throughout the movie, and I'm not sure kung makakatulong 'yun if I want him to know that I'm sincere with my apology. Baka isipin niya, hindi ako interesado. Besides, I need to go home early dahil kay Mommy.

Hindi nakatulong na parang ito ang unang beses na I really owe him something. It's my first time going through this and there's a high chance I wouldn't get it right, and I'm just holding onto my assumption na I can soften him up if I just think hard enough. What would that guy want? Ang hirap din pala kapag masyadong maraming puwedeng pagpilian dahil from what I know, mababaw naman ang kaligayahan niya.

I stop by at the mall kahit di ko pa alam kung ano ang gagawin ko rito. I walk around, hoping na may makita akong something that would just click. I go through each stall na wala masyadong tao, then even scanned the entire grocery store, only to end up with nothing. Should I just book us tickets for tomorrow or the next weekend? Pero hindi ko pa alam kung ano'ng schedule for this week, knowing that there's roughly five weeks of the semester left. And I can't bail on Chio twice because that would just make matters worse so I have to be sure first before booking.

I sigh while looking at the lineup of the movies showing. Tsinek ko ang oras at almost 1 p.m. na pero wala pa rin akong napapala. Maybe I should just show up to his place, say a simple sorry, tell him babawi ako once I get my mind properly functioning again, and hope that that would work. Or maybe I should just ask him kung ano ang gusto niya para hindi ako nag-iisip nang ganito.

Buo na ang loob kong ganun nga ang mangyayari because gift-giving just isn't my strongest suit, nang mahagip ng mga mata ko ang snack bar. I stare at it for a long while, then saka lang ako lumapit nang umalis na yung naunang customer na bumili ng popcorn. I have no idea if this would woo him, but I ask for three large boxes of different flavored popcorns dahil yun lang ang kakasya sa isang malaking paper bag at kaya kong bitbitin. I go straight to the parking lot after paying.

Nagmadali na ako papunta kina Chio. I do not know if the guard recognizes me pero nginitian lang niya ako at hinayaang pumasok. Setting aside one wrong turn I took, natatandaan ko pa naman ang daan papunta kaya hindi ako masyadong natagalang makarating. I think yung Kuya Rene ang natatanaw ko sa garahe when I stopped in front of their house. He's doing something behind the open back door of their van.

I get out of the car, hugging my paperbag of popcorns and mentally preparing myself for the rejection sakali mang hindi ako welcome dito ngayon. I slowly make my way palapit sa bahay nila, hoping that Kuya Rene would notice me kasi actually, nahihiya akong maunang tumawag at bumati.

At least one thing goes my way today dahil napatingin siya sa 'kin. He adjusts his glasses and walks towards me. I bow a little when I greet, "Good morning po. Si Chio ho?"

Nagtagal saglit ang tingin niya sa 'kin bago ako tanguan. "Ikaw yung sinundo niya kagabi?"

My cheeks flush in an instant, soaking in shame. Hindi ako makaimik dahil hindi ko alam kung proper bang i-confirm 'yun o baka mas lalo lang magmukhang makapal ang mukha ko, or if I should say sorry. Does everyone in this household know? Tumango na lang ako bago ibaba ang tingin sa bitbit ko.

He grabs a small rug lying on the hood of the vehicle and wipe his palms on it while nodding. He gestures me towards the door. "Sige, pasok ka lang. Nandiyan naman 'yun at di umalis. Pero ewan ko lang kung tulog pa."

"Thank you po," I say in a small voice. Nag-aalangan pa rin akong pumasok sa pinto kahit pinayagan na ako, and I can't bring myself to call out Chio's name para labasin niya ako, so I just press on the doorbell once.

I take a deep breath when I hear the sounds of slippers against the floor. Nasa dulo na ng dila ko ang salitang sorry because that's the first thing Chio should hear from me, pero nagmamadali yung umurong nang hindi si Chio ang magbukas ng pinto.

"Oh?" Of course, one more thing has to go wrong today. Humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa paperbag ng popcorns when sa dami ng araw na puwede kong abutan ang mama ni Chio sa bahay nila, ngayon pa talaga kung kailan sobra na yung kaba ko just by thinking of how Chio would react to my apology. I have no fucking idea what to say. Her lips, those that resemble Chio's so much, curve up to a smile nang, I think, mamukhaan niya ako. "You're Io's friend!"

Just say good morning and ask her if you could see him. Sinabi naman ng driver nila na Chio's at home, so all you have to do is ask. "I—I—"

"You're here to see him?" she asks, opening the door wider. I choke on my greeting and end up freezing by the doorway kahit sinenyasan niya na akong pumasok. I'm not normally like this! And she seems nice and kind kaya I have no idea what I am being suddenly so nervous for. "Hindi niya sinabing he has someone coming ove—"

"Ate!"

My eyes dart to Chio's sister na galing yatang kitchen dahil may bitbit siyang tall glass ng juice yata. Chai faces her mom, and for a moment it looks like she's looking at her reflection from the near future, then grabs my arm, and I almost enter their house with my shoes on dahil hinila niya ako papasok. I quickly kick my sneakers off my feet. Yumuko ako para ayusin iyon sa labas pagkatapos pakawalan ni Chai ang braso ko.

"Bisita ko, 'My. Magpapa-tutor ako," she says, throwing me an innocent glance after. I blink a couple of times to remove the shock on my face dahil, what the hell? Tinuturuan ba ni Chio magsinungaling 'tong kapatid niya?

"Bakit di mo agad sinabi kahapon?" I hear her mom ask, followed by the sounds of her slippers as she walks away. "I'll make snacks!" pahabol niya.

My cheeks turn warm again when Chai winks at me nang ilipat ko ang tingin sa kaniya. She gestures me to follow her upstairs. I watch the back of her head and can't help but wonder how much she knows dahil bakit siya nagsinungaling sa Mommy nila? Napapikit na lang ako out of shame because the worst scenario is Chio actually tells her everything. Hindi naman siguro, 'no? Because she's years younger. But what do I know about their relationship? What do I even know about having a sibling? I grew up alone.

Tumigil siya saglit at sumilip sa baba before yelling, "'Wag na po! May dala si Ate!" aniya bago ako lingunin ulit. "Tara na, may sakit si Kuya," she tells me in a hushed voice. Napagaya ako sa bilis ng pag-akyat niya sa hagdan.

"Really?" tanong ko. She nods while drinking on her glass. Oh, no. Baka gawa ng kagabi? Napagod siya masyado? "Is he okay?"

She shrugs. I'm guessing it's not that serious if his family doesn't seem worried. I keep quiet hanggang sa tumigil kami sa tapat ng pinto ng room ni Chio. She jerks a thumb towards it, "Kuwarto ni Kuya," sabi niya, probably thinking that I have no idea where Chio's room is. I blink multiple times to shove the images of what happened in this room.

Tumango ako. "Okay." I look at the knob that I can easily grab and twist open but I can't bring myself to do so. Kumunot ang noo ni Chai sa 'kin na parang naguguluhan sa kinikilos ko.

"Pasok," utos niya.

I nod. "Okay."

We stare at each other.

She breaks eye contact, laughing. She sighs and gets the door for me, showing us a view of Chio sitting at an odd position. One of his feet is up his computer table, while his other leg folded with his knee close to his chest. His head is lolling backwards, mouth agape at mukhang kanina pa nakatitig sa kisame nila based on how he's keeping the cover of his sci cal balanced on his forehead.

When his eye turns and accidentally meets mine, nabitiwan niya agad ang ballpen na pinaiikot niya sa isa niyang kamay. He sits upright immediately and the cover of his calculator drops to the floor, making a sharp sound. The wheels of his swivel chair rolls backwards, and he hits his feet on the post of his bed when he brings it down from his table. God, he's such a klutz. I sigh and look at my socks instead because he's just . . . he's just wearing really short shorts.

"Di marunong kumatok?" he asks na parang nagpipigil na pagtaasan ng boses si Chai. Mabilis akong sumulyap sa kaniya at nahuli siyang nagmamadaling umikot sa kuwarto niya—he grabs his bath towel and drapes it around the back of his neck before going inside the bathroom and leaving it there, then he pulls tight the corners of the sheets of his bed, then he grabs all his pillows na nakakalat pa sa kama at mabilis yung nilinya at ini-stack sa isang side. I turn my head the other way again when he catches me watching.

"Di kasi maligo agad pagkagising para mukhang disente," nang-iinis na sabi ni Chai. I glance at Chio again and see him pulling a shirt over his head.

"Hoy ka," he says, eyes widening at his sister after clothing himself. I look up at the ceiling nang magtagpo na naman ang tingin namin. Don't tell me we would be like this the entire afternoon. "Naligo na kaya ak—"

My shoulders jump a bit when Chai suddenly pulls my arm and pushes me inside Chio's room kasabay ng pagtawa niya. I brace myself for the impact when I feel one of my feet blocking the other and knew I'm going to stumble, but Chio was quick to grip both my shoulders and support my weight na para lang akong furniture na muntikang tumumba. I uncross my legs and step back when I realize how close he is, kasabay lang ng pagbawi niya sa mga kamay niya at paglipat n'un sa ulo niya para guluhin ang mahaba nang buhok niya. Mas halata ang haba at kapal n'un now that he's not wearing anything to keep his hair in place.

The door clicks open again. Chai smiles sheepishly at me and forms a peace sign with her right hand before blurting out, "Sorry!" She closes the door right after and I hear her footsteps rushing to get away from the door.

Nang ibalik ko ang tingin sa harap ay wala na si Chio, at naabutan ko siyang kasasara lang ng pinto ng CR. I remain standing on my spot as I don't feel welcome in his room na parang bawal akong umupo unless sabihin niya. I hold on tighter to my paper bag of popcorns and peek at his yellow pad na iniwan niya sa tapat ng computer monitor. I see that he's doing a requirement. Hindi ko pa 'yun nasasagutan because it honestly slipped my mind. I should do that today, or maybe tomorrow because . . .

. . . mas importante 'tong . . . pinunta ko rito.

When Chio gets out of the bathroom with his hair pushed back by his headband, he meets my gaze. Napapikit ako nang sabay kaming umiwas ng tingin, tapos sabay pa kaming nagbuntonghininga. I knew it would be difficult but I didn't expect it to be this awkward. I gulp when he walks up to me and just looks without saying anything. I avert my gaze back to his paper and try to understand his writing na makalat dahil scratch paper niya yata 'to.

"Negative dapat yung katabi ng 41," I can't help but say. Nang ibalik ko ang mga mata ko sa kaniya ay nakatingin na rin siya sa papel niya habang nakakunot ang noo. "Kaya mali na yung kasunod na solution line," I add. Whatever happened to saying sorry first.

He shifts his gaze back to me and I hold my breath for a second. "Careless ka pa rin. Sayang five points." What the fuck. SHUT UP. SAY SORRY. "How come you have a boxed answer na di match solution mo? From Jass?" Nagtago na yata sa kalalim-laliman ko ang salitang sorry because I cannot find it and spit it out.

Chio clicks his tongue and just frowns at me before looking away. Dinampot niya ang yellow pad niya kasama ng ibang papers sa desk, pulls the keyboard tray, and hides it there. He faces me again, placing his palms on the computer desk behind him. Umikot sa ceiling ang tingin ko bago ko ibaba sa kama niya. Jesus. This is so awkward.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" tanong niya. I don't even bother glancing at him knowing that he's looking at me and it will only make it more difficult for me to speak. But now, at least he doesn't sound so cold.

"M–May sakit ka?" Just say sorry. "Sabi ng kapatid mo."

"Wala. Trip ka lang n'un," mabilis niyang sagot. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

"Do you need help?" I ask before turning to face him. Napangibit siya bago umiling. Oh. "Are you sure?" He nods. Fuck.

"Bakit ka nga nandito?" he asks again. He points to the paper bag I'm holding. "Ano 'yan?"

I sigh before handing it to him. Tiningnan lang muna niya 'yun and I had to thrust it to his chest before getting him to hold it. Sinilip niya ang laman n'un.

I roam my eyes around the room to find the remote control to the TV. I sigh before getting it from his bed and handing it to him. Dahan-dahang umangat sa 'kin ang tingin niya. "What do you—?" I had to take another deep breath because he's still staring. At in a way na nakaka-guilty. "What do you want to watch?" I ask.

I bit the inside of my cheek when he just grabs the remote control from me and places it on top of his computer table. Ganun din ang gianwa niya sa popcorns na dala ko. He folds his arms over his chest when he faces me. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

"I need to"—say sorry—"thank you for last night, or kaninang umaga." Putang ina naman.

He merely hums in acknowledgment. God, I hate this so much. "Galit ka ba?" tanong ko.

He sighs. "Nag-alala ako."

I gulp. The way he said it felt like a careful pat on my head. "Are you really not mad at me?"

"Hay, nako." He scratches his temples. "Nag-alala nga ako. Wala naman kasing problema kung may . . . may kung anoman kayo ni Ced—"

"We just hung out. That wasn't a date—"

"Pero 'wag yung bigla kang nawawala," he says a little louder, forcing me to keep my mouth shut. "Kita mong may naghihintay sa 'yo, tapos bigla kang mawawala," he adds, sounding a bit more of a whisper.

Sabay na naman kaming nagbuntonghininga. He then furrows his brows at me then pouts. "At anong date? Di ko naman inisip na date 'yun."

"I just wanted to clarify," depensa ko. "Uminom lang kami after dinner. I didn't notice the time."

"Okay," he says, nodding. "Iyon lang ba?"

Something still doesn't feel right. "Are you sure you're not mad?" I ask again. He can just be honest because I can take it. Mas mahirap ganitong nangangapa ako dahil nahihirapan akong basahin siya. And knowing that he's the type of person who doesn't care if anyone can read him makes it more difficult. His deliberate hiding from me would be more painful than knowing that he's mad.

"Nag-alala ako," deretsa niyang sagot.

"Not about that," I say quietly. He purses his lips and gulps. Am I finally getting to him? He should just really stop pretending that everything is fine. Puwede siyang magreklamo. Puwede siyang magalit. He should stop being so damn nice to me all the time because I do not deserve it.

"About me ditching you," I add. Hindi ko naman 'yun intensiyon.

"About me forgetting," pagtatama ko, still keeping my eyes on him even if his gaze is threatening to make my voice shake. "Hindi ka ba galit do'n?"

"Masyadong mabigat 'yung 'galit,'" he replies, shaking his head. "Hindi ako galit."

I sigh. "Whatever you call it, then . . ." It doesn't really matter. Anoman 'yun, I know I need to make up for it. The problem is, I still have to learn how.

Ilang beses akong kumurap upon seeing his expression change. He looks like he's finally done being nice, and even without words, his stare is enough to tell me that I hurt me one way or the other. I lower my gaze on the floor when he walks past me, heading to one corner of his room. He pulls with him what seems like a laundry basket before sitting on the bed with his back on me.

"Medyo masakit ka pala kasing samahan kapag—" My eyes widen a bit when I hear his voice crack. Is he crying? He clears his throat a few times, tapos malakas niyang pinagpag yung t-shirt na dinampot niya sa basket. "—kapag di mo ako kailangan."

"Ano? Okay ka na?" My heart jumps a little when looks over his shoulders and faces me. "Gusto mo na ulit ako sa tabi mo?" tanong niya, mababa pero mariin bago bumalik sa ginagawa. I wish he would stop folding his laundry and face me instead. "Last week parang . . . parang lagi kitang hinahabol. Tapos kapag naabutan na kita—"

He pauses halfway through folding a shirt. Gusto kong lumapit at tumigil sa tapat niya, but I have a feeling he's just going to move to the other side of the bed and look the opposite way if I do that, so I stay still. I know a thing or two about having trouble trying to tell people how I feel. "—ayaw mo naman akong malapit. Ayaw mo naman sa 'kin."

My eyebrows immediately snap together. What? "That's not true."

"Di ko alam kung iniiwasan mo 'ko o ano e . . . . Di ko alam kung naiirita ka na sa 'kin o . . ." He sighs heavily. Ibinato niya sa basket yung tinutupi niya bago umupo nang ayos sa kama, finally facing me.

He doesn't look at me for long. My eyes follow him when he stands up. Parang wala lang din yung tinupi niya dahil basta-basta niya yung hinulog sa basket. He kicks the basket back to the corner of his room, and turns his back on me again when he decides to go to his cabinet, open it, and take the contents of the first drawer out, lining them up on top. "Di ko alam kung galit ka . . . tapos lalapit-lapit ka na naman na parang walang nangyari. Di ko tuloy alam kung puwede lang kitang lapitan kapag gusto mo 'ko. Parang 'pag di mo 'ko trip, wala na, gano'n na lang 'yon—"

"Hindi nga gano'n—"

"E sa 'yun yung nararamdaman ko e!" I hold my breath when he turns to face me. That pained look on his face is going to haunt me in my nightmares one day. He slowly turns away, then puts back everything he lined up on top of his cabinet where he got it from. "'Yun yung pinararamdam mo e," he whispers.

"Magkaiba yung—" He closes the top drawer after niyang ibalik lahat ng nilabas niya galing doon, then faces me again. I clench my fist and blink rapidly, because for whatever reason, my tear ducts think na may nakakaiyak sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa 'kin.

He takes a deep breath and it comes out shaky. "Magkaiba yung gusto mong mag-isa sa ayaw mo sa 'kin."

"I'm sorry," I spit out. The knots on my chest start to loosen at the same time the crease on his forehead gradually disappears.

"I had a rough week," I explain. Not that it's any excuse. Napapikit na lang ako because of how lame that sounded. I felt bad but now I feel worse for not knowing what to say. "I didn't even notice that I was taking it out on you." I meet his eyes again when I open mine.

I quickly lower my gaze to the floor upon seeing how his gaze soften. My chest will begin to tighten if I catch him looking at me tenderly, heavy with the guilt of receiving what I don't deserve to get back so easily. I'm already having a hard time breathing as it is. "I'm sorry."

We both go silent. I look at him once before deciding to just pin my gaze to the window of his room. Had I not shut eyes my tight when he suddenly wrapped his arm around me, I swear I would have cried. It's so warm and it feels nice.

"Okay ka na?" he asks, burying his nose on top of my head.

God, I should be the one asking him that. "Yes," sagot ko. "Something about my Dad." I can't tell him. "I'm sorry."

"Hm." I melt into jelly when his palm slides to my cheeks. If only I could turn into something that has to do nothing but be held by him all day . . . "Okay," he says with a huge grin on his face, na parang lahat ng nangyari kanina, nakalimutan na niya.

My eyes flutter close when he drops a peck on the tip of my nose. "'Tang ina naman . . ."

"What?" I ask. Kabubukas ko lang ng mata ko but I end up closing them again when he drops another on my lips.

And then another. And another. Each one lasting for a second longer than the previous one. "Na-miss kitang hayop ka," pabulong niyang sabi bago humalik ulit.

I find myself laughing, and it feels weird because it seemed like I haven't laughed for days. Hindi niya tinigilan ang labi ko kahit na ganun. He curls an arm around my waist, still repeatedly pressing alternating quick kisses on my lips and my cheek.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang maalala ko ang pinto ng kuwarto niya. I slap him on the arm to make him stop dahil, nasa baba kaya ang nanay niya! But he ignores it and continues showering my whole face with kisses. This boy.

"Do you still want to see a movie?" I ask, eyes still glued to the door pero napapikit ako nang malapit doon pumunta ang mga halik niya. Aso ba to?! "I can't go out. So I just brought you snacks and we can just . . . watch here."

He laughs. Nagtayuan yata ang mga balahibo ko sa batok when his hand snakes beneath my shirt and his palm starts to draw lines on the bare skin of my lower back. "Niyayaya mo ba akong mag-date?" he asks, still beaming at me brightly. He keeps on looking around my face and suddenly dropping a quick kiss.

Napapunas tuloy ako ng palad sa mukha ko. Is he kissing me on spots where he haven't yet? At paano niya nalalaman? May marka ba? Puro laway na ba niya ako? The fuck. "Not a date. An apology."

He chuckles, grabbing my palm and stopping me from wiping my face. Pigil na pigil ang pagtili ko sa pangalan niya nang tadtarin niya ulit ng halik ang pisngi kong kapupunas ko lang. This time, alam kong may laway na because I can feel it! Hindi niya inintindi ang mga hampas ko sa dibdib niya and I'm pretty sure na sinasdya niya nang tadtarin ng laway niya ang mukha ko!

"Arte nito e!" natatawa niyang sabi bago humiwalay. I slap his chest for the last time with the back of my hand. Jesus. I get my handkerchief from my pocket to wipe my face.

"Hindi ko tatanggapin 'yang sorry mo. Kaya kailangan mong mag-sorry nang paulit-ulit," he says. I stop myself from squealing when he traps both of my hands with his and stops me from wiping my face with my handkerchief before dropping wet kisses all over my face again.

* * *

a/n: this is the first time (i think?) since the how-many-years of me writing here na i'm updating only for once a month 😭 thank you so much for having the patience (for the updates and for the pacing—this little progress is already @ 10k+ words!!!) i know i wouldnt have if i were a reader!!! xD