061223 #BYLAMwp Chapter 16

Kakukuha ko lang sa sasakyan ng naiwan kong cord when Chio shows up. My eyebrows furrow in response to his huge grin. What is he doing here sa parking?

"Good morning," he greets, keeping his smile on after.

Lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay ko before ignoring him and shutting the car door close. That makes him drop his smile.

My eyes widen in realization, then I smack his chest with the back of my palm bago siya unahang maglakad. This guy. Agang-aga!

"Naiwan mo pala talaga yung charger mo," tatawa-tawa niyang sabi habang sapo ang dibdib niya. Pinandilatan ko siya ng mga mata bago ibalik ang tingin sa walkway. What was he thinking?

"Yes, you idiot. Feeling guwapo ka," I reply. Inisip talaga niyang nagpaalam ako sa friends namin kanina na kukuhanin ang charger ko just so I can have him follow me sa parking?

And siyempre ano pa ba ang gagawin namin sa kotse ko? Magja-jack-en-poy?

"Sus," he says tauntingly. He pokes my waist with his finger kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "E 'pag inikot kita pabalik do—"

"Namimihasa ka," I cut him off. He chuckles loudly before reaching for my hair and pulling on its ends lightly.

He doesn't follow me pabalik sa classroom. He stops and turns to where the restrooms are. I'm not sure if kailangan talaga niyang mag-CR or, like usual, naisip niyang hindi dapat kami magsabay na pumasok ulit sa room.

I shake my head to myself bago ako bumalik sa room. Chio and I are getting way too good at this that it somehow starts to concern me, because we're not supposed to be doing this in the first place. We're not supposed to be accustomed to sneaking behind our friends' backs and meeting in my car secretly during breaks para lang makapag-usap kami about things we cannot talk about in front of them.

"Labas tayo sa Sabado?" he asked yesterday after he hops in the driver's seat of my car. He sent me a text after class kahit na magkatabi lang naman kami, saying na he wants to talk nang kami lang.

Ang paalam ko kina Eri, pupunta akong cashier. 'Kinulit' lang ako ni Chio para masamahan. Magkasama kami, so there's a bit of truth in that, pero ibang-iba naman ang accounting office sa interior ng sasakyan ko.

"Where to?" I ask.

"Sa inyo? Sa 'min?" He shrugs. "Magpapaturo lang ako," he adds with a chuckle.

I scoff. Kailangan ba talaga naming magsolo for this conversation? He could have asked this in front of our friends and no one would have paid attention. "Okay. Sa amin na lang. I don't know why pinapunta mo pa 'ko here. 'Yan lang naman pala."

He laughs, grabbing my wrist and pulling it to his lips. He drops three kisses on the back of my palm. "Gawa nito."

A, this . . . he can't do this with them around. I swat his hand away when it comes into contact with my waist and his fingers immediately move to sneak beneath my shirt.

Tatawa-tawa lang siya even when I cover his face with my palm and push him away para maglagay ng distance between us. He retracts his hand and raises them na parang he's surrendering. "Ano?" he asks against my hand.

"Gugustuin mo na naman yung damit ko. Baka may makahalata," I explain. He makes a disappointed noise like a child. I peel my hand off his face, reach for the collar of his shirt, and pull him for a quick peck to shut him up only because he looks so good today that it's pissing me off.

It works. Of course, it does. He sucks in his teeth, lets his eyes roam around my face for a while, before shaking his head habang inaayos ang kuwelyo ng polo niya. "Nakakabuwisit ka na talagang babae ka," aniya.

"Feeling is mutual," I reply with a sarcastic smile before opening the door and getting out of the car.

And I'm not supposed to wait outside the restroom pagkatapos kong mag-CR just because I know he'll follow me and kiss the top of my head when nobody's around. He's not supposed to drive me home every day and kiss me before he goes. I'm not supposed to notice every time he has his arm on the backrest of my seat, kasi wala lang naman dapat yun. He's not supposed to look away and hide his smile behind his hand every time our gazes would meet in a room full of people.

Pero ano pa nga ba? That's what's happening and I have no one else to blame on why it continues to do so but myself. Pero I don't . . . I don't want it to stop.

It's weird kasi we're technically hiding but somehow . . .

I have never felt something this freeing.

Hindi ko na lang iisipin. I will just add it to the pile of unanswered questions that having Chio in my life keeps bringing to the table. I don't need the answers now.

Besides, wala lang naman 'to e . . . it's just us messing around. Pinagbibigyan lang naman yung pakiramdam na nangungulit. Wala akong expectations. So it won't hurt the way it did with Jass.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

*

Pinanood kong mag-ten o' clock yung orasan.

I sigh and get off my study chair, grabbing my hairband and pushing it over my head before heading to the bathroom. I keep on splashing cold water on my face to wake myself up again and to hopefully get rid of this uneasy feeling na binabagabag ako since I stepped out of the shower two hours ago.

Bumalik ako sa study table ko pagkatapos. I watch my phone for two minutes, and when nothing happens, itinaob ko na yun sa gilid. I won't be able to get any work done kung maghapon akong maghihintay ng message from someone na baka tulog pa dahil hindi ako ginulo kaninang umaga.

Hindi ko naman talaga dapat hihintayin but . . . siya naman yung nagsabi na he wants to meet here. E nasaan na siya? He didn't mention this again last night so I'm not sure tuloy pa. Puwede naman kasi sabihin kung hindi so alam ko kung may hihintayin ako or wala.

I'm starting to get annoyed. Lumalala lang when I keep on scolding myself to focus dahil may kailangan akong tapusin ngayon.

Why can't I focus? Sakto lang naman ang lamig ng aircon, nakakain naman ako ng breakfast at nakapagkape, and nakaligo na. I know what I have to do but somehow my brain doesn't want to cooperate dahil ang gusto lang nitong gawin ay i-check ang phone ko.

But it's already 10 a.m. and wala namang paramdam. So what ba? Siya naman yung magpapaturo and I'm not required to do that unpaid job so dapat ginagawa ko na ang mga dapat kong gawin instead of wasting my time being annoyed at someone who's probably still asleep or hindi man lang ako iniisip at this moment. I'm stressing myself out this early e hindi naman ako yung may kailangan.

Siya yung may kailangan kaya he's going here. I don't need him here. Don't need the weight of his arm on the backrest of my seat. Don't need to hear his lighthearted laughter. Don't need to see him spin his pen on one hand every time he's thinking. Don't need to hear him talk endlessly in the background, na I somehow always hear clearly no matter how loud my mind is thinking kapag may sinasagutan kami.

I don't need all that so gusto ko na lang i-shut down ang buong system ko when I find my hand reaching for my phone, then my fingers searching for his name on my short list of contacts, tapos pressing the call button.

Nakakaputa talaga 'tong si Chio. He somehow ends up ruining my morning kahit na wala siyang ginagawa.

Mabilis niyang sinagot ang tawag, so I reach for my heart then slam it down back to its place as hard as I can to remind it that I'm still annoyed nang matunugan kong may balak na agad 'tong magtatalon sa saya nang dahil lang doon. This boy. Ano bang pinakain nito sa 'kin prior sa ganitong entanglement naming dalawa? Baka may inilagay siya kaya ako nagkakaganito?

"Hello," he says in a sing-song manner. Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad; I'm too busy trying to keep my eyebrows tightly knit together and my frown steady.

It doesn't take long for me to give the both of it up lalo na nang dagdagan niya ang sinabi sa mas mahina at mahinahong boses, "Hi, nugget."

Is it the nugget? Is it the way he speaks to me so gently?

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng meron but my mind decides to throw a huge chunk of my annoyance out the window and forget about it completely as if it never happened.

"What's your problem?" I ask in a clipped tone, gathering the bits and pieces of my annoyance earlier that I held onto so firmly para hindi mapatapon.

He laughs, making it harder for me to fight with my mind na ayaw nang mainis at gusto na lang bumigay. "Ano?"

"Problema mo, tinatanong ko."

Instead of giving me a decent answer, tinawanan lang niya ako ulit. I shut my eyes tight, trying to focus on keeping myself together because I know I would melt kung hindi ko yun gagawin. If kanina hindi ako sigurado if there's something about the way he warmly speaks to me that always renders me soft, dito, sigurado ako . . . . There's something about his laugh that I like. 'Yang putang inang tawang 'yan will somehow always get to me. Siguro kasi lagi kong naririnig. Na-condition na yata ako.

He heaves a long sigh after laughing. Akala ko may sasabihin na siyang matino but then, he says, "Ano? Landiin mo naman ako."

Kung gaano kabilis niyang napaalis yung irita ko kanina, ang bilis din naman niyang na-invite pabalik.

"Ask me out!" he says in a painfully mocking tone kaya nasapo ko na lang ang noo ko. Jesus. Ano ba'ng gagawin ko sa buwisit na 'to?

I stay silent because I'm not . . . obviously, I'm not asking him out! At bakit ako? Siya yung nag-invite sa sarili niya to go here, pumayag lang ako. Pumayag na nga ako tapos hindi naman siya magpapakita.

"Ayaw mo?" parang nananakot niyang tanong, parang binibilangan ako up to three or else I would miss my chance. E bakit nga kasi ako! I did not ask for a chance! "Siya, baba mo na yung tawag dahil sayang ang load—"

I end the call, drop my phone on the table and away from me, and cross my arms to trap my hands at hindi 'to matuksong i-check agad yun. Not even half a minute to me staring down my phone, nag-ring na agad yun. My smile that came after is a smile of satisfaction. Siya ang nagsabing patayin, pero heto naman siya ngayon, parang may kalaban sa karera sa pagtawag.

I let it ring for a few more seconds before picking it up. Nagsalita siya agad, "Yes na agad kahit di ka nagtatanong."

"Wala akong itatanong." Ang yabang niya.

He clicks his tongue a few times. "Harutin mo naman ako, 'lang 'ya ka," demanda niya na parang nagtatampo kaya muntik na akong matawa, pinigilan ko lang. "Ikaw na lang pumunta, maiba naman. O kaya ako na lang sunduin mo para sweet," he continues. I imagine him wiggling his brows towards the end of his sentence.

I sigh. Hindi ko alam kung tinatamad siya, nakahilata pa sa kama, or what kaya biglang nabago ang gusto niya. Tinatamad pa naman din akong mag-drive.

I look at my things on the table. Will I be able to get things done without thinking of his hand on my nape? Or his thumb lightly pressing the side of my neck? Or his knuckle knocking on my knee kapag may seryoso siyang itatanong and he wants to get my attention while I'm busy? Or him looping my hair around his fingers when he gets bored?

Ang sagot, kahit na ayaw ko, ay putang inang hindi. And I need to get shit done kasi I will not be able to accept na hindi ako productive dahil I am daydreaming about a stupid boy.

I sigh. "Fine."

Nailayo ko ang phone nang slight sa tainga ko when he shouts, "Yes!"

He chuckles loudly, then clears his throat as if to compose himself. "Yes, yes . . . makikita mo na ako. Suwerte mo talaga sa 'kin," he tries to say in a serious voice pero siyempre he doesn't succeed dahil natawa ulit siya sa sariling katangahan. Ang kulit-kulit.

"If you're not ready in an hour, iiwan kita," warning ko sa kaniya before I drop the call.

I change into a linen, spaghetti strap, white blouse dahil hindi ako su-survive kung sasabayan pa ng init ng ulo ko kay Chio ang init ng panahon. I put on the first denim shorts I can get my hands on, tapos quickly chucked all the stuff I'll be needing on my backpack. I fix my face up a bit before heading downstairs nang nakamedyas lang dahil nasa labas ang slip-on sneakers ko.

Kinatok ko ang room ni Auntie Mel dahil baka may ipabibili siya. She stares at me for a few seconds after opening the door, as if trying to process kung ano yung tinanong ko sa kaniya about restocks we need, bago, "Ay, teka . . . . Titingnan ko sa kusina." Baka kagagaling lang niya sa tulog kaya ganun.

I note on my phone lahat ng sinabi niya, na kakaunti lang naman. Magpapaalam na sana ako but she holds onto my arm then stares at me again, this time on what seems like a full minute. I raise both my brows when her lips slowly curve up to a smile.

"Mas blooming ka pa sa mga bulaklak ng Mama mo."

My forehead immediately creases. "Nag-cheek tint lang po ako," paliwanag ko. "And I got enough sleep," I add. Lalo lang lumapad ang ngiti niya. I blink rapidly to think of another thing to add. "And mataas score ko sa problem set this week." Why the hell do I need to explain why I look decent? At ginagawa ko naman kahit di ko alam kung bakit nga ba.

She just laughs at me, shaking her head. Pinabaunan niya ako ng grocery bag before letting me go.

Tsinek ko ang oras pagpasok ko sa sasakyan. I'm serious when I told Chio na iiwan ko talaga siya if he's not ready in an hour. Aba, masyado nang maraming oras ko ang ninanakaw niya.

My eyebrows furrow and I slow down when I notice na hindi agad tumaas ang boom gate sa may guard house. Usually, the guard pulls the pole up kahit na a few meters away pa ang sasakyan ko. Akala ko may problema, but about two arm's length away from the gate, may lumabas ng guard house. I quickly check kung may sasakyan right behind me before immediately hitting the brake.

Even with the blinding midday sunlight trying to wash away his face from my vision, I recognize Chio's wide grin. Lumingon siya saglit pabalik sa guard house, tapos pagharap niya sa 'kin ay saktong pag-angat ng boom gate.

I still have the crease in the middle of my forehead when I unlock the doors for him and he takes the shotgun seat. What? Why is he here already? Kanina pa ba siya? Most probably yes dahil imposible namang he got here from his home within, what, ten minutes or less? If kanina pa siya rito, what the fuck is he doing staying at the guard house? Alam naman niya kung saan ang bahay namin.

"Hi, Aju," he says in the same gentle voice he used in my earlier. It renders the same effect—whatever his voice is laced with somehow makes the crease in my forehead disappear. It forces me to calm down. "Surprise."

Nakailang kurap ako sa kaniya because I still don't understand bakit nasa guard house siya. There's a short braid secured with black pins running on both sides of his head, keeping his hair in place kahit wala siyang hairband ngayon. Nakaputi rin siyang v-neck shirt at asul na shorts kaya accidentally ay nagterno kami.

Nilipat ko agad ang tingin sa mukha niya after glancing at the cross necklace hanging on his neck, at napailing na lang ako nang mahuli ko siyang nakatingin din sa dibdib ko.

E wala naman akong necklace.

I snap my fingers at him to get his eyes off my cleavage before getting back to driving dahil may natatanaw na akong kotseng kasunod at papunta our way.

He just laughs, not ashamed na I caught him checking me out. "Good morning, beh. Saan mo ako ide-date?"

There he goes, back to being annoying.

"Not a date." I did not ask him out. Kailangan ko yata siyang i-remind na siya ang naunang mag-initiate na magkita kami ngayong Sabado.

"May pinabibili si Auntie Mel. And I want to study." Ang pakay naman talaga niya from me ay tutor-an ko siya. "Bakit ka nga pala nag-stay sa guard house? What were you doing there?"

It's either kanina pa siya roon or kararating-rating lang niya, kasi imposibleng nasa bahay pa siya nang tumawag ako. Kung kanina pa siya roon, bakit? Kung kararating lang niya, there's a chance na tinamad na lang siyang pumasok papunta sa amin kaya roon siya naghintay. He could have just told me. I don't know why he didn't.

"Pota, Sabadong-Sabado, aral pa rin?" he comments as if hindi siya yung nag-suggest na turuan ko siya today. And why did he ignore my question?

He sighs. Form the side of my eye, I see him shift on his seat, leaning on the car door and staring at me. "'Wag na. Maglandian na lang tayo maghapon."

"Bobo ka," I reply so quickly as if it's out of reflex.

Malakas ang tawa niya roon, and hearing it in person soothes a part of me for reasons I don't know. "E di pagkatapos na lang."

My grip on the steering wheel tightens. Ang bibig talaga ng isang 'to. "We're going to study at a public place, not in my room."

Siyempre he doesn't back down easily. Sa kulit ba naman. "Pagkatapos nga e. Tinted naman 'tong kotse mo."

That earns him a glare from me. "Gago ka. Manahimik ka nga." I can already feel my cheeks heating up kahit na pabiro lang naman ang mga sinasabi niya.

Baka next time, hindi na niya ako puwedeng ihatid or I can't have him sit on the shotgun anymore dahil sa mga pinagsasasabi niya, and, well . . . kung nakakapagsalita lang talaga ang kotse, baka nagreklamo na 'to dahil ginagawa naming taguan ni Chio kapag may pasok. This car has witnessed . . . things.

"Pulang-pula ka," sabi niya na parang proud na proud na siya ang dahilan n'un. 'Kakabuwisit. "Iniimagine mo, ha?"

"Shut up or pabababain na kita," I tell him in the coldest tone I could because I really need him to shut up or . . . igigilid ko na 'tong sasakyan, puta. 'Wag niya nga akong hinahamon.

He merely chuckles, already too confident na hindi ko yun magagawa sa kaniya. If I were not driving, nag-freeze na siguro ang katawan ko, but since I am, nagtaasan lang ang mga balahibo ko sa batok when he reaches for the strap of my blouse that's starting to fall off my shoulders then pushes it back upwards to where it should be.

"Chio," I warn him because instead of keeping his hand to himself after fixing my blouse, he hooks a finger to the strap of my bra, pulls, and lets go of it abruptly. He snickers, pulling his hand away from me, but not before letting his hand squeeze my thigh.

*

Dahil kakaunti lang naman ang pinabibili ni Auntie Mel, saglit lang kami sa grocery. We decided to eat after—more like siya lang pala ang nag-decide dahil nasa counter pa lang kami, panay na ang reklamo niyang nagugutom na siya.

I'm an only child, and I'm so glad that I am, dahil kung may kapatid akong kagaya ni Chio, I would have lost it. Hindi kaya ng pasensya ko.

"Ano'ng gusto mo?" he asks before standing up, palinga-linga sa kabuoan ng food court. This is the nearest place to the grocery where we can eat. I merely get my wallet from my bag and just shrug. Usually, kung ano namang kinakain niya, kinakain ko rin.

He frowns at my lack of answer. Tinatamad na rin siguro siyang laging siya ang nag-iisip ng kakainin naming dalawa. Most of the time, kahit na sabihin ko sa kaniyang just get me whatever he would have, iniiba pa rin niya ang order ko. Hindi pa naman siya nagkakmali ng binibili ever since.

He takes my wallet, but leaves it with his phone on the table before going. That's new. Mukhang hindi niya balak na perahan ako today. Lugi nga ako sa kaniya lagi. I pay for gas, for the food most of the time . . . parang may ginagastusan akong anak. I take my wallet and put it back inside my bag dahil baka ma-misplace pa.

Hindi na ako natutong hindi panoorin ang phone whenever he leaves it with me, because a few minutes later, his screen lights up and I see Jass' name from his notifications. I immediately look away then proceed to find where Chio is. Hindi naman siya nakatingin sa gawi ko at nakatalikod sa 'kin.

Well, hindi ko naman nabasa yung message. At sakali mang I read it, by accident lang. I'm not snooping, and I'm definitely not curious what the two of them are talking about pero I'm suddenly reminded that the two of them are basically best friends. Nakalimot ako for a while because he's been with me, taking my side, ever since Jass and I broke up. Noong kami pa kasi ni Jass, lagi niyang kabuntot si Chio.

I close my eyes and sigh. I wonder if Chio doesn't find this awkward, kasi ako, may uneasiness pa rin. I have come to terms over the fact that Jass is happily with Gracey, pero parang hindi pa rin nawawala yung pagkailang ko sa truth na friends sila ni Chio . . . and that Chio and I are doing things.

Not that Jass has to know, because I think I don't owe him anything ang it's really none of his business who I . . . not-date. Pero . . . ewan, medyo weird sa feeling. I feel like I'm doing something wrong kahit na alam kong technically ay wala naman.

I wonder if it's the same for Chio, or hindi naman, kasi hindi naman siya yung nasa past relationship. Like Eri and Sab, wala rin naman siyang idea na naging kami ni Jass. Baka he doesn't really find this weird kasi wala siyang image of Jass and I dating. Binagsak ko na lang sa kaniya bigla when Jass and I already broke up, and when Jass is already dating someone new na kilala na nila.

When Chio comes back to our table with a tray on hand, kinopya niya ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko. He eases the crease on my forehead with his fingers after he sets the tray on our table. "Magkaka-wrinkles ka nang maaga," he says habang inaayos yung plates namin.

I stay silent and just watch him. Or baka kaya hindi rin awkward for him because that's just the way he is? Baka he doesn't really care kasi nga tapos na. Maybe he's not thinking too much about this like I am doing.

He raises a brow but doesn't say anything when he catches me staring. Nginuso lang niya ang pagkain ko pagkatapos punasan ang utensils ko. Then, he checks his phone, probably reads Jass' message, then mabilis siyang nag-type ng kung ano bago yun itago ulit sa bulsa niya.

Nagsalubong ulit ang kilay niya nang makitang nakatingin pa rin ako sa kaniya. He takes a spoonful of his food and stares at me back with furrowed brows. He pauses and just holds eye contact with me after swallowing his food.

I'm just thinking of what goes on in his head whenever he talks to Jass. Nagi-guilty ba siyang may tinatago kami? Or no? What?

He ends up losing the staring contest. He nudges me, points to my plate again with his spoon, before looking away while shaking his head. "Kumain ka nga. Bakit ka ba sa 'kin nakatingin? Ako ba ang kakainin mo?"

"I need to ask you something," I say, ignoring his remark, upon realizing na nagpapakahirap ako ritong manghula when I can just ask him. Hindi naman siya madamot sa sagot, usually.

Nakangiti pa siya, probably finding what he said earlier funny, but then his smile vanishes when he notices that I'm not returning it. His lower lip juts out in a pout kasabay ng pagkunot ng noo niya. Nagtataka ang tingin niya sa 'kin before shrugging and going back to his food.

"Is this fine with you?" tanong ko.

Nilingon niya ako. There's evident confusion on his face. Tahimik siya saglit, so I thought nakuha na niya agad ano yung sinasabi ko, but then, "Alin? Yung pagkain? Bakit—?"

"Hindi, you idiot. This." He merely blinks at me. "You're friends with Jass."

"Ahhh . . ." he trails, nodding.

He lets go of his utensils, takes mine, then forces them to my hands. "Kumain ka na."

I let my stare linger at him for a few more seconds before deciding to let the topic go dahil hindi niya agad sinagot. Baka mali ako. Maybe it's bothering him, too, but he doesn't want to talk about it, yet. Or maybe he wants to but doesn't know how; I would know the feeling.

Kumain na lang ako dahil tinanggap ko nang hindi siya sasagot, but then he speaks, "No'ng una . . . ano . . ." He scratches the side of his head and takes a long pause.

A, baka tama nga ako na being him, he hasn't really thought about it kaya hindi niya pa alam ang sagot.

He sighs. "Ano . . . inilagan ko."

My forehead creases. "Si Jass?"

"Ikaw," he says, looking me straight in the eye.

What?

I don't remember him not talking to me. If anything, ako yung umiwas.

"Oo, ang gago niya, insensitive, pinaiyak ka pa . . . . Pero no'ng una ang lakas talaga ng hatak n'ung iniisip ko na, 'kaibigan ko 'yun' e. Kung ibang lalaki yun, magagalit ako. Pero mas nakakagalit pala pagdating sa kaniya kasi, parang may biglang binagsak sa 'kin dahil kaibigan ko nga . . . . Pinahiram na nga ako ng brip n'un."

My shoulders drop kasabay ng pagtawa niya. Hindi niya ba kayang mag-explain nang seryoso lang all throughout?

He takes a tissue paper from the holder, then catches me off-guard by lifting my chin with his finger and wiping the side of my lips. I am so glad he doesn't hear how loud my heart is beating kasi ibi-bring up niya yun maghapon kung sakali man. He shakes his head pagkatapos.

"Then?" tanong ko.

He gives me one of his stares again that somehow forces me to put all my focus on him. On how our knees are bumping. On how the pinky of his hand that is resting on his thigh is touching the side of my knee. On how an eyelash that fell out is resting just above the apple of his cheek. I reach for it and gently pick it up, making him blink and break eye contact.

And even if I don't believe in wishes coming true, and more importantly, I don't see the logic of how a stray eyelash can bring it to life, I silently ask for him to keeping looking at me like this for a little more time before blowing it off from my thumb and forefinger.

He has his way of making me feel like he's so fond of me just by looking. It's like being held without the discomfort of having limbs draped around me. I like it.

Really like it.

"Umaayaw ka na ba dahil ex mo si Jass? Gets ko naman," he says in a low voice. The crease in my forehead comes back in a snap. Pinagsasasabi nito?

"Hindi, tanga," sagot ko bago bumalik sa kinakain.

"Ah . . . so gumugusto ka?"

I mentally cup my forehead. It's hard to tell when he's being serious or not.

"O siya, tara na nga. 'Wag na tayong kumain. Maglandian na lang tayo," he says jokingly, earning a laugh from me na hindi ko napigilan. Sinabayan niya ako. "Bakit mo ba kasi tinanong bigla 'yan? Wala na naman kaming problema ni Jass. Wala rin akong problema dito."

Umiling ako. "I just want to know." Since we're both in this . . . set-up . . . hindi lang naman feelings ko ang magma-matter.

"Sure?" he asks, knocking lightly on my knee.

"Oo nga," I assure him. "Go eat."

"Sure ka? As in? One hundred percent?"

"Tsk. Paulit-ulit? Oo nga."

"Okay. Kinabahan ako e. Akala ko di tuloy yung laplap mamaya."

"Shhh!" The back of my hand hits his arm out of reflex. This is a family-friendly establishment! Mamaya may makarinig sa kaniyang bata, hindi niya hinaan ang boses niya. At kahit nga hindi bata e! The fuck?

He just chuckles, then points to my cheek na siguro ay namumula dahil naramdaman kong uminit ang mga 'to. I swat his hand away from me. Tinigilan niya nga ang pisngi ko but he keeps on laughing kaya hindi nawala ang panginginit n'un.

After eating, we walk around to find a place where I can finally get some work done. Because it's a weekend, the place is packed and we can't find any shops na medyo tahimik at puwede naming puwestuhan.

Niyaya ako ni Chio na umuwi sa 'min, but I have this feeling na we're not getting anything done kung sa amin kami. Lalo na ngayong his hand keeps on roaming from my back to the side of my waist, parang hindi mapakali kung mag-stay put yun sa gilid niya or sa isang spot lang.

Naglalakad pa rin kami, and his palm is still tracing the same path on my back, when someone waves to our direction. It takes me a second longer than Chio to recognize who she is dahil wala siyang dalang clipboard and her hair is not brushed back as neatly as it were kapag nakikita ko siya sa campus.

My instinct is to move a step away from Chio, at hindi ko alam kung nakakalimot siya, but his was to curl his fingers around my waist and prevent me from adding more distance between us.

What is he doing! I look at him, my chest slightly constricting because of the rush, and find him na parang walang ni katiting na kaba sa loob niya. His eyebrows raise in recognition of Miss Clipboard at the same time he tightens his hold on me for a fraction of a second and pulls me closer to his side.

When his hand finally lets go of my waist, akala ko makakahinga na ako nang maluwag pero parang lumala lang because I feel him hooking finger on the back pocket of my denim shorts.

Miss Clipboard greets me naman, but I can only manage to nod dahil parang kinuha lahat ng daliri ni Chio lahat ng focus ko. She turns to face Chio. "Hi! Sa Wednesday na lang? Half day, di ba?"

Ano'ng meron sa Wednesday? Kahit pinigilan ko, napatingin pa rin ako kay Chio. And maybe I should start spending some time away from him dahil parang magkadugtong na somehow ang utak namin dahil naisipan niya ring silipin ako.

"Sige," he says to Miss Clipboard, eyes still on me. His head turns to her first before his gaze. "Padaanan na lang ako."

"Okay!" Miss Clipboard replies before saying goodbye dahil may hinahabol siyang oras. I still am not able to smile for some unknown reason kaya ginaya ko na lang ang pagkaway niya habang nagha-half run na siya paalis.

Miss Clipboard leaves something that stays with me when she leaves. It's the curiosity kung ano'ng meron sa Wednesday that has something to do with Chio. I know it's none of my business, so I don't ask. The problem is the question keeps on knocking on my head kahit na alam naman nitong wala siyang makukuhang sagot dahil in the first place, hindi nga puwedeng itanong.

"Aju."

"What?"

I glance at Chio when I hear him sigh instead of answering me properly. While I'm trying to keep the question tucked at the back of my head so it won't bother me like an itch, Chio unhooks his finger from my pocket.

I should not have noticed that, and the weight of the absence of his touch should not have been pulling my heart down but it does, especially when he doesn't put his palm back sa pinapasadahan nitong ruta kanina sa likod at bewang ko.

I mentally shake my head para naman matauhan ako. Since when was I this painfully clingy? It's not like I would not live without our skins touching—

"Hey!" sita ko sa kaniya nang muntik na akong magkamali ng step because he suddenly grabs my arm and hooks it with his. Tinawanan lang niya ako like usual, hinihigpitan lalo ang pagkakaangkla ng braso ko sa kaniya that I can't decide if he wants to crush my arm or what.

"Mamamatay ako kapag di kita hawak," OA niyang sabi bago luwagan nang kaunti hanggang sa kamay ko na lang ang matirang nakaipit sa braso niya.

"Testing-in natin," I say and try to remove my hand pero naipit niya agad. Chuckling, he grabs it again then places it properly on his arm.

I do not attempt to remove it again. Hindi rin naman niya pakakawalan.

*

Alam kong parang ticking timebomb yung curiosity ko about what Chio has planned for Wednesday, but I manage to keep it where it's tucked and not let it spill over kahit hindi na ako mapakali at may parte kong gustong-gusto na magtanong.

And I know I'm never getting the answer to it; sigurado na ako roon. Kaya what I was expecting to do on Wednesday afternoon is to be hauled in my room with my phone as far away from me as possible, then go to sleep kasi kapag tulog ako, hindi ako curious.

Kaya hindi ko alam why I'm now walking with Chio, suddenly included sa kung anoman yung plan niya with Miss Clipboard na hindi na niya naipaliwanag sa 'kin because p-in-rioritize niyang maikulong ako sa kotse at maibigay sa kaniya ang susi ko para masamahan ko siya to wherever it is. Kulang na lang yata ay i-haul ako ni Chio over his shoulder before running downstairs and papunta sa parking after we're dismissed from our last morning class which is also the last for today dahil cancelled lahat ng afternoon classes.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to Eri, Sab, or Jass, nor naisara nang ayos ang zipper ng bag ko. I held onto my bag like my life depended on it dahil sa sobrang bilis ng lakad-takbo ni Chio, akala ko magsisilaglagan sa stairs ang laman n'un. He ignores all my calls for him to slow down at sumunod lang siya nang makarating kami sa parking.

"What are we doing here again?" I ask, roaming my eyes around the place dahil ngayon lang ako nakapasok sa building na 'to. Ang sinagot niya lang sa 'kin kanina ay kung saan kami pupunta (at yun lang din naman talaga ang tinanong ko, kung saan kami pupunta and not kung ano'ng plans niya with miss Clipbaord) ay sa father daw niya. I have no idea if I should expect to see Miss Clipboard sa bawat liko namin ng hallway.

"Sasamahan mo 'ko," he answers, keeping his eyes straight on the hall.

"Bakit? What are you going to do here?" I add, careful not to ask about something na none of my business nga. Hindi na niya kinailangang sumagot because not even a minute later, I see Miss Clipboard and another girl with her holding what seems like a tripod.

A, so ito yung lakad nila.

But still . . . "What do you need me here for?" pagbabago ko sa tanong. Because I'm not supposed to be here. Sila lang yung may gagawin, hindi ako kasama dapat . . . .

Chio clicks his tongue. Tinapatan ko ang kunot ng noo niya nang parang mukhang naiinis pa siyang lumingon sa 'kin. What? E totoo namang he quite literally just dragged me papunta rito.

After last Saturday, hindi naman namin inungkat kung anoman 'tong gagawin nila ngayong araw. He sighs, shakes his head, at di ko alam kung confident ba siyang hindi kami pag-iisipan ni Miss Clipboard ng . . . masama . . . or sadyang wala lang siyang pakialam whatever Miss Clipboard thinks, so he lets his palm stick to a small part of my back.

Miss Clipboard says a quiet hello kasabay ng kasama niyang bumati rin sa 'min. May pinag-usapan lang sila saglit about something happening inside the room, and Chio asks if may nahanap na silang certain person, tapos he removes his hand on me before opening yung glass door sa tapat namin at sumilip. He calls the person who's occupying the nearest cubicle sa door, then they talk for a while bago bumalik si Chio sa 'min. His palm finds its way back to the spot it left earlier na para bang may magnet na roon sa kamay niya at likod ko.

"Nasa taas daw si Kuya Emong," he says before prompting me to walk with him. Pumunta kami sa lift at kaming apat lang ang nandoon. Nasa harapan namin ang dalawang babae. Chio reaches for and presses a button before reeling back to the spot beside me.

Lumipat saglit sa tuktok ng ulo ko ang kamay niya, then it slides back down to my nape. I feel his fingers drum on the side of my neck kaya napalingon ako sa kaniya at tama ngang he wants to get my attention. I have no idea why he's raising both his brows at me kaya napagaya lang ako questioningly. The corner of his lips curl upwards for some reason, and I see him trying to fight it, before he shakes his head.

"Last niyo na 'to?" Chio asks habang nasa elevator pa kami. "Pagkatapos nito, wala na?"

"Yup!" agad ang sagot ni Miss Clipboard, tumalikod saglit para lingunin kami. Napalunok ako because Chio's hand is still on my nape. And I also keep forgetting her name. "After nito, done na talaga. Thank you, a?"

"Okay lang," sagot ni Chio.

I feel like someone just loaded my insides with ice when his hand slides down to my shoulder. My fucking god. Mamatay nga yata talaga siya kapag hindi nakahawak. At this point, I am convinced na dalawang bagay ang nagnyayari: either a.) we just have that look na mukha kaming really good, will-never-not-be-platonic, friends or b.) Miss Clipboard is suspecting but she just doesn't want to ask dahil hindi naman siya kasali sa friend group.

"Last na 'to. Pagkatapos nito, wala na," Chio repeats in a very low voice habang palabas kami ng lift. When I look at him, I catch him watching me as if he's waiting for me to react.

I didn't know na ako pala ang kausap niya. I . . . I don't know how to properly react to that so I keep a straight face, but I melt a little inside when he smiles and tousles the top of my head.

Apparently, yung hinahanap pala nina Miss Clipboard ay isang driver. Chio leans closer to my ear and whispers na uuwi na kami in a while before leaving me sa hall with Miss Clipboard, her classmate, and the driver they were looking for. Nag-uusap silang tatlo so I look outside from the glass panels and pretend to be busy para hindi ako mag-eavesdrop accidentally sa project nila.

Kanina pa makulimim. Sobrang dilim na ng langit ngayon at parang mabigat ang ulan kapag bumagsak. I was just imagining how we're going to get to my car, dahil malayo-layo ring open area yung nilakad namin bago kami nakatapak sa building na 'to kapag umulan tapos bigla yung bumuhos. Iniwan ko pa naman sa kotse ang mga gamit ko except for my phone, wallet, and keys na hawak ni Chio, at ganun din siya dahil saglit nga lang daw kami, kaya wala kaming payong. Oh, no.

"Lakas ng ulan." I hear Chio's voice behind me after a short while. He's back. "Teka lang, a? Sabihan ko lang sina Leigh na aalis na tayo."

"How are they going to get home?" I ask, lowering my eyes from the sky to Chio's barely-there reflection sa glass panels. He's pouting while watching the rain fall and I give myself a hard slap for wanting to hold both his cheeks and just press a damn kiss on his lips.

Talaga, Ju? Out here in a public place? At a very random time? What's up with you? Get a grip.

"Sina Leigh?"

"Yeah." Pinanonood pa rin niya ang pagbagsak ng ulan. I watch him take off his outer polo. He places that on top of my head while still keeping his gaze outside.

"Mamaya pa sila e. Interview kasi yung project nila, follow-up yung ngayon e sinamahan ko kasi mahihirapan sila kapag walang kakilala." Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa labas nang ako na ang tingnan niya. "Bakit? Ayaw mo pa bang pumunta tayo sa inyo?"

"It's raining," sabi ko as if hindi naririnig ni Chio yung pagkulog. I just . . . wonder how Miss Clipboard—Leigh, and her friend are going home.

"Oo nga, e baka mamaya lumakas lang 'yan lalo. Kaya nga uwi na tayo sa inyo. Tara na ba?"

I swallow the lump in my throat before turning my head to face him. "Paano nga sila uuwi?"

I glance at Miss Clipb—Leigh and her friend and the driver. Nakatanaw din sila sa labas.

"Hindi ko alam, pero mamaya pa sila uuwi. Bakit?"

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya pero hindi ako sumagot. He's just quietly blinking at me for a while before his eyes light up.

"Ah . . ." He wiggles his brows and laughs. "Gusto mo isabay? Friends na kayo?"

Inirapan ko lang siya then lightly flick my fingers on his ear bago siya talikuran. "Tara na nga." And no, we're not friends. But I don't mean that in a mean way. That word just means something more to me.

He's still laughing habang sinusundan ako pabalik sa elevator na pinanggalingan namin kanina. Pagbaba namin, he just tells me to stay put before running off nang di man lang hinihintay ang sagot ko.

Ang tanga-tanga ng tanga. Siya naman pala 'tong susugod sa ulan, binigay pa sa 'kin ang polo niya. Aanhin ko 'to kung nandito lang naman ako sa silong?

When he comes back in my car, tama nga ang hinala kong basang-basa siya. His hair is wet, at halos buong shirt niya ang naligo sa ulan. I reach for his bag sa backseat and open it nang walang tanong-tanong before throwing his towel to his face.

"Magtuyo ka nga," utos ko. Walang lamang extra na shirt ang bag niya kaya hindi ko naman siya mapagpapalit ng t-shirt.

He grabs the towel and wipes his face, his arms, tapos his back kahit na useless dahil basa nga ang damit niya. Then he proceeds to dry his hair.

"Magpalit ka kaya nito?" I suggest, referring to his polo na pinandong ko before going to the front seat pero hindi naman gaanong kabasa compared sa shirt. And this one has long sleeves so hindi siya masyadong lalamigin.

"Gusto mo lang akong makitang maghubad e," he says, earning him another flick on the ear.

He winces, obviously exaggerating the pain, while nodding. I keep my eyes on the traffic cone in front of us when he reaches for the neckline of his shirt from the back to pull his shirt off. He grabs his polo from me and I wait for him to speak bago siya tingnan ulit.

"Nakaluto na kaya si Auntie Mel?"

I shrug. "Hindi ko rin alam. Baka." Siya lang naman kasi ang kumakain sa bahay tuwing lunch, at hindi rin naman ako nakapagsabimg uuwi ako nang maaga ngayon kaya hindi ko rin sigurado.

Pagdating namin sa bahay, kanina pa nakaluto na si Auntie Mel pero magsasaing pa lang. Napagalitan pa niya si Chio dahil halata pa ring medyo naligo siya sa ulan. I go upstairs sa kuwarto ni Mommy at binuksan yung kaisa-isahang layer ng cabinet na meron pang natitirang damit ni Tito Luis. I grab the biggest shirt I can find and head downstairs para pagpalitin siya. Umakyat ako ulit to change into warm, comfortable clothes before going back to the kitchen.

"Saan kayo galing?" Auntie Mel asks, rushing na iinit saglit yung ulam para makapag-lunch na kami "Di ka naman nagsabing uuwi ka agad."

"Sorry po," I say, grabbing a glass of water for myself. "May sinamahan lang po for a project."

There's something about saying that makes me feel, I don't know, light . . .? Hindi naman kasi mabigat sa 'kin yung kung anoman ang gawin ni Chio with Leigh because technically that's none of my business, but mabigat ang ma-curious. The persistent nagging of not knowing brings an unpleasant feeling.

Kaya nga kahit na hindi naman dapat ako involved, may something about being able to answer Auntie Mel and be certain about it na maganda sa pakiramdam.

I really can't put a finger on it. It just . . . feels nice not being left to wonder.

"At wala ka bang payong?" taas-kilay na tanong ni Auntie Mel sa 'kin.

I nudge her lightly with my elbow para hindi na niya ako pagalitan. She swats my elbow away which makes me laugh. "Iniwan po sa kotse. Di naman po ako nabasa."

"E yung kasama mo?"

"A, e choice niya po yun . . ." katuwiran ko, fighting the urge to tell Auntie Mel na katangahan ni Chio yun.

Auntie Mel clicks her tongue in disapproval. Pagkatapos ni Chio magpalit ng damit, pinaiwan na sa kaniya ni Auntie Mel yung basang shirt at yung polo na pinagpalitan niya kanina para raw mapatuyo.

"Mamaya ka na umuwi. Kumain ka na muna," sabi ni Auntie Mel sa kaniya. Di naman niya kailangang sbaihan si Chio, actually. Kakain yan. Makapal ang mukha niyan e.

"A, opo," sagot ni Chio. Kasya naman sa kaniya yung t-shirt ni Tito but parang medyo bitin. Medyo lang naman. Like, if he stretches his arms nang sagad over his head, his skin's going to show.

"Di po ako tatanggi," he adds with a laugh. See?

"Kape, gusto niyo?" tanong ni Auntie Mel. "Mag-iinit akong tubig."

"Ay, hindi na po." Napalingon ako kay Chio habang binabanlawan ang baso na ginamit ko. Kailan pa siya tinubuan ng hiya? "Akyat na po kami."

Muntik ko nang dumulas sa mga kamay ko ang basong hawak ko. When I glance at him, I catch him grinning suggestively kaya gusto ko siyang batukan. Pinigilan kong mag-react violently dahil baka maghinala pa si Auntie Mel na wala naman yatang kahit kakaunting suspicion sa 'ming dalawa.

"Ano'ng gagawin ninyo?" tanong ni Auntie Mel, clueless and too focused on what she's doing in the kitchen. I glare at Chio before he can say something suggestive just to make my cheeks flush.

"A, may deadline po kami mamayang 5 p.m. e," swabeng pagsisinungaling niya. Hindi siya nakatiis, of course, so he wiggles his brows upon meeting my eyes for a second before adding, "Bobo po ako kaya kailangan kong maturuan."

Tinawanan lang siya ng hindi nagsususpetyang si Auntie Mel. He makes sure to wink at me bago ako talikuran at talagang nauna pa sa 'kin paakyat as if he owns the place.

What if hindi ko kaya siya sundan sa taas? Kinakabahan ako sa pagmamadali niya e. May lakad ba siya? May hinahabol? Para siyang excited sa kung ano, and that's exactly what makes me nervous habang sumusunod ako sa kaniya paakyat.

He plops on my bed, face down on my pillow immediately after getting in my room. Then he rolls over the mattress like a stupid dog habang yakap-yakap ang nakatuping kumot ko. I have to ask Auntie Mel kung kailan kami magpapalit ng kobre-kama. I need to get those changed after this.

Wala naman talaga kaming isa-submit mamayang 5 p.m., and if he weren't here, baka natulog lang ako lalo na't maulan at malamig ang panahon. Kaya hindi ko alam ang gagawin lalo na when he's occupying a huge space of my bed.

Umupo na lang ako sa corner, resting my back against the bed frame and stretching my legs on the mattress. Wala pa yatang five seconds na nakaupo ako, gumapang na ang ulo niya papunta sa hita ko.

My sheets are all crumpled. He better make sure na ayusin niya to before he leaves later.

Hinayaan ko siya roon. I just rest my eyes, because I can sleep even while sitting basta tahimik. Sasaglit pa lang akong nakapikit nang maramdaman kong may pumipindot sa tuhod ko. Binaba ko ang masamang tingin ko kay Chio. What?

"Aju."

"Ano?"

"Nag-iisip ka ba?"

Ha? What does he mean by that?

I sigh and go back to having my eyes closed, leaning my head back a bit on the wooden frame. "That's what normal people do, Chio. We use our heads."

He chuckles. "Gaga, hindi," sabay likot niya sa hita ko based on how his hair's brushing on against my skin.

Napamulat ako nang mawala ang weight niya roon. He smiles at the same time my eyes flutter open, unfazed on the lack of distance between our faces.

"Yung kay Leigh," he adds gently, his finger reaching for the side of my cheek to tuck some strands of my hair away from my face.

I take a deep breath. "Ano'ng nag-iisip?" I ask.

He backs up, folding his legs to sit properly sa tabihan ko, still facing me. "Sabi mo di ka komportable."

A, that. "Sabi ko rin you don't have to do anything."

He smiles. "Wala naman akong ginawa, a? Sinamahan ko pa rin naman sila. Isinama lang kita."

"Yes. And you don't have to do that."

"E paano kung gusto ko?" he asks, parang nanghahamon. I remain quiet. "O ayaw mo ba?"

"Hindi naman sa—" I purse my lips because I can feel my thoughts getting all jumbled. He raises both his brows questioningly, urging me to continue.

I sigh. Hindi naman sa ayaw ko. I just don't want him doing things na para lang sa 'kin. He doesn't need to factor me or my feeling in anything he's doing.

We're just friends.

"So gusto mo?"

I scrunch my nose. I reach for my pillow and hit his face lightly with it. "Hindi. That sounds weird to me."

Inagaw niya sa 'kin ang unan, tossing it to the other corner of my bed. "E ano? Wala kang react diyan, sis?"

"It felt nice," I say without letting myself think twice. I watch as his smile slowly reappear. "But di mo nga kailangang gawin."

"Sige, hindi ko kailangan . . . pero kung it felt nice . . ." Dumako agad ang mga mata ko sa door when he starts inching his face close again.

I should have locked that door. Bakit hindi ko ni-lock?

"Di ko kailangan, pero gusto kong gawin."

The familiar rush is starting to creep beneath my skin, lalo na when he lowers his eyes to my lips. Pero nawala rin yun agad when he transfers his gaze to my right, at yung lamlam ng mata niya ay napalitan ng liwanag ng curiosity. His eyebrows perk up, and whatever it is he saw, inagaw na nang tuluyan ang attention niya from me.

"Floral?"

"What?"

In a second, nai-snatch na niya from my bed post yung bra kong nananahimik at nakasabit lang doon dahil sinuot ko lang for a quick errand kahapon. Aside from the slight heat that bloomed in my cheeks, wala naman ako masyadong naramdamang hiya na nakita at hawak niya 'yun. It's just an article of clothing. Or maybe I'm getting way to comfortable with him.

"Bakit floral?"

"May problema ka ro'n? Ikaw ba nagsuusot?" I ask back. He merely laughs, shooting both his arms through the straps kaya nahagip ko na naman ang thing closest to me which is my blanket na ginusot-gusot na niya at nahampas siya gamit n'n. "Akin na nga 'yan!"

"Wait!" sabi niya, iniiwas ang sarili. He stares at the cups of my bra he's wearing, tapos shamelessly transfers his gaze to my chest kaya ginawa ko sa kaniya yung ginagawa niya sa 'king tinatakluban ng buong kamay ang mukha. He merely laughs, shoving my hands off his face.

"Hindi ba mabigat?" tanong niya, genuinely sounding curious and a bit concerned. Inirapan ko lang siya bago italukbong ang kumot sa katawan ko dahil sa lamig. Umayos ako ng pagkakasandal sa frame.

"Bawasan mo. Lagay mo dito sa 'kin," he adds, earning him another glare from me.

"Tanga ka. Hubarin mo na nga 'yan. Lagay mo na do'n sa basket," I say, pointing the laundry basket at the opposite corner of the room. "Sisirain mo yung strap e."

Siyempre hindi siya nakinig sa 'kin. He just chuckles, then move closer to me as if hindi napakalaki ng space sa kabilang side ng kama. He props both his hands sa magkabilang gilid ko before dropping a few quick kisses on my nose, my cheeks, and my forehead.

I open my mouth complain na para siyang aso at puro laway na niya ang mukha ko, but before I can get a word out, nahagip na niya yun ng labi niya. I feel him smile against my lips before pulling his face away a bit.

"Nilalamig ka na kasi e," sabi niya nang maay nang-aasar na ngiti. "Kailangan mo ng kiss."

"No," I tell him flatly.

"Tigas neto e," he says before dropping a quick peck on my lips that leaves me wanting. "'Pag ako ang tumigas—"

"Gago ka," I cut him off bago pa kung ano ang masabi niya. He merely laughs before closing the distance between our lips, grabbing all my rationality and throwing it out the door na hindi naman naka-lock.

Even if I want to tell him na wait lang at i-lock niya yung pinto, hindi ko magawa because I do not want him to stop. My fingers hook on the neckline of his shirt when one of his hands reach for the back of my neck and prompt me to tilt my head a bit. Craving to touch him, my fingers spread themselves out on the base of his neck, and it cannot stay put so it slides down to his chest—

"Chio." Puta. I tilt my head away.

"Ano?" tanong niya, naghahabol pa rin ang labing nag-settle na lang sa pisngi ko.

"Take my damn bra off." Putang ina.

Napatigil siya. He pulls back, looks down on his chest with my bra he's wearing, tapos ay natawa nang sobrang lakas na sigurado akong rinig yun sa labas ng kuwarto ko. He's such a dumbass.