042323 #BYLAMwp Chapter 14

I find Mommy sitting beside her potted plants at our backyard on Sunday night. The white mug she's holding is probably tea, which means aakyat na siya mayamaya para matulog.

She has this gentle smile on as she watches me approach her. At kahit laging late nang nakakauwi at nakakatulog si Mommy, hindi pa rin siya mukhang stressed. It's like she has everything in her life figured out, already have everything and everyone she will ever need.

Lalo na lately, mula noong na-approve yung visa niya, I notice that she seems more lively. That's why I never told her about the questions (that I am yet to sort and figure out) that has been bothering me tungkol sa pagsunod ko sa kaniya.

Maybe it's because growing up, when Mommy's okay, I just know that everything else will just be fine. Kapag hindi siya okay, saka ako nakakasiguro na kailangan kong mag-alala. So, never mind my questions and hesitations. Those will iron themselves out because Mommy's smiling right now.

"Ano 'yun?" she asks, patting the space beside her for me to sit on pero umiling ako. I won't stay long here.

I clear my throat. "About my birthday . . ."

Both her thin brows raise, gaya ng in-expect ko. I don't remember bringing up my birthday with her ever since. Hindi naman sa kailangan niya ng paalala dahil never naman siyang nakalimot. Ako lang talaga yung walang interest to talk about it dahil parang normal na araw nga lang 'yun para sa 'kin.

"Oh? Do you have plans? May gusto ka bang gawin? Puntahan? You need money? What is it?" sunod-sunod na tanong ni Mommy. She stands up and takes me with her back inside the house. "May gusto ka bang kainin? Bistek pa rin ba ang favorite mo? Paluto tayo kay Mel . . ."

Sumunod ako kay Mommy sa kitchen. She places her mug on the sink.

"Actually . . ." I'm fine with whatever would be on the table on the 15th. Di naman ako gaanong mapili sa pagkain. "It's . . . it's just money." I'm not used to asking Mommy for money. May allowance pa naman ako, pero ayoko kasi yung galawin for my birthday.

"Oh, you'll be out with your friends?" tanong ni Mommy. She wipes her hands dry after washing the mug and setting it on the rack. She turns to face me. "Sige. Saan ba kayo pupunta? Will you have dinner at home?"

For the last question, alam kong may gusto na siyang marinig na sagot. But she's asking because she doesn't want to tell me what to do. God, I love my mom.

"Yes. May pasok naman po sa 15. And I don't know where we'll go, yet," sagot ko. The relief on her face after I answered proves me right. She wants me to have dinner at home as much as possible kasi maaga siyang uuwi. Bihira kaming magsabay-sabay kumain sa bahay ever since, and I understood why at an early age. My mother is a busy woman. Si Auntie Mel ag kasabay kong kumain madalas dati. And even if I'm at the hospital while Mommy's on duty, hindi ko pa rin siya nakakasabay dahil bihira naman siyang pumirmi sa isang lugar.

About where my (very few) friends and I are going, hindi ko pa alam. I'm fine with wherever, so I'll ask them where they want to go instead. It doesn't really matter to me. It's all the same as long as I'm with the same set of people.

"Okay," Mommy says with a smile. "Sabihan mo lang ako agad, okay?"

I nod, then I say good night before going to my room. Last year, in-invite ko lang naman ang friends ko sa bahay. This year, I feel the need to something different because I don't think I'll be here next year for my birthday.

I have always known that time is a valuable resource. . . . pero iba pa rin pala talaga yung feeling kapag nararamamdaman mo na mismong nauubusan ka na n'un. I have no idea how much I want to do while I'm here, pero ramdam ko na agad na kulang yung oras ko for it. How do I make a moment last to my heart's content?

*

I stop on my tracks papunta sa classroom. It's my birthday. I have a feeling na they're early and they want to do a remake of what happened last year—I was holding a tall cup of coffee, tapos ay ginulat nila ako with a greeting upon entering, kaya accidentally ko 'yun nabitiwan at siyempre, kumalat sa sahig.

We had to run around the campus looking for the maintenance staff na wala pa roon sa madalas nilang puwestuhan dahil sobrang aga pa kaya nagra-rounds pa sila. In the end, Chio ended up getting the mop from the janitorial closet at kami na lang ang naglinis n'un. Napagalitan pa kami noon because we caused the class to be delayed. Nasaktuhan pang may galit yata sa freshmen yung instructor namin kaya ang aga-agang sermon talaga. I went home with my favorite pair of white jeans stained with coffee around its hem. And I was not even pissed about it.

Ngayon, wala akong bitbit bukod sa bag ko. I keep my phone in my pocket dahil kahit baka ine-expect ko nang gugulatin nila ako, magulat pa rin talaga ako at mabitiwan ko 'yun.

I have a feeling na they already spotted where I am, kaya lumiko muna ako papunta sa CR. Not to use the restrooms but to actually go down a floor at sa kabilang hallway at door dumaan para sila naman ang masalisihan ko.

I'm right. Pagbukas ko ng pinto, nakaabang na nga sila sa kabilang door, all of them ducking near the wall except for Jass na nakatayo sa gilid. I watch them be stupid for a full minute.

Eventually, Jass notices me and laughs. Sinitsitan pa siya ni Chio para manahimik. I walk over to where they are, grab the party popper from Jass' hand, and hits Chio's head with it hard. They all make disappointed noises na hindi nila magagamit ang tatlong poppers para sa 'kin. Christ. Lilinisin pa 'yan kapag pinutok. Parang mga hindi na natuto from last year.

"Happy birthday!" Eri greets me first, enveloping me in a hug. I let her do that kahit na umangat nang slight ang mga balahibo ko sa batok. Inabot ko kay Jass ang popper na hindi ginamit. He mouths his greeting na tinanguan ko lang.

"Thank you," sabi ko kay Eri pagkatapos niya akong bitiwan at hayaang umupo sa seat ko. Sab greets me next na pinasalamatan ko lang din. I only have two rules on my birthday: no singing, and no gifts. Lahat naman sila ay sumunod doon so far.

Sinitsitan ako ni Chio na sa kabilang side ko umupo. I only glance at him. He pulls his chair closer to mine and I have to swallow to force my heart back down. That afternoon ended well. Hinatid lang niya ako pauwi. We talked on the way home about the most random things as if we weren't doing something we shouldn't be doing minutes ago. He messages me when he gets home, and goes back to annoying me by clogging my notifications with things I don't even know why he finds funny.

It's weird kasi parang nawala na lang nang parang bula talaga yung pagkailang na meron dati. Like we just had to try for a few times to get used to it.

But should we get used to it?

"What?" I ask, whispering.

"May dala kang sasakyan?" he asks, copying how quiet I sound. Wala namang mali sa pinag-uusapan namin so we can talk on a normal volume, so I don't know why we're keeping our voices hushed. Like we're hiding.

"Meron," I reply. "Why?"

"Drive kita pauwi," aniya. I glance at him and find him smiling. No headband today, but I see a few black hair ties keeping his hair to the sides of his head. I wonder kung bakit ayaw niyang magpagupit. Not that this look doesn't suit him because . . . it does. Mamamatay muna ako bago sabihin 'yun sa kaniya, though.

"Ikaw bahala," sabi ko.

"Gusto mo ba?" he asks, raising a brow.

He's still keeping his voice low kaya napapagaya ako. "Ikaw nga ang bahala." Hindi naman ako ang mag-eekstra pagod at magbabayad ng dagdag na pamasahe pauwi if ever.

"Ayaw mo?

I shrug. He pouts, then sits back properly. "Kapag di mo sinabing gusto mo, di kita ihahatid . . ." sabi niya na parang nanghahamon kaya umangat ang isang kilay ko.

O . . . e ano? I look at him flatly and then just shrug again. "Bahala ka nga."

He sulks as he pulls his chair away from mine kaya natawa ako. "Tigas talaga neto e," pamaktol niyang sabi. I hit him lightly on the arm but he doesn't stop pouting. Hindi pa nga niya ako gini-greet!

In the end, he decides to drive me home kahit na hindi ko sinabi sa kaniyang gusto ko. Eri gives me another one of her long hugs that I usually avoid (but not today) before Chio and I decide to go together to where I parked my car.

"Can I bring Kuya bukas?" Eri asks. Nakapili na ako (sila) ng place where they want to be at tomorrow, at kahapon itinawag ni Mommy ang reservation.

"Okay lang," sagot ko. I then look at Jass. "Invite mo si Gracey," I tell him before it gets awkward. Okay lang naman sa 'kin.

Jass nods sheepishly and Sab smacks the back of his head. Hindi ko na naintindihan kung ano yung pabulong-bulong na sinabi ni Sab sa kaniya but I'm guessing it's about what happened between Jass and I.

Ako, si Chio, at si Jass lang ang magkakasama papunta sa parking dahil naglakad na palabas sina Sab at Eri. Jass has to walk with us but only because he has to pass by the carpark to get to where Gracey's building is. I think parehas kami ng iniisip: we would rather be anywhere but here.

Nakailang kurap ako upon seeing our reflection sa isang kotseng nadaanan namin. I gulp when I realized how awkward na napapagitnaan ako nina Chio at Jass habang naglalakad kami. I know I'm not doing anything wrong technically, but, hell! Ang awkward! It's like I'm being reminded sa kamalian ko (Jass) at ang katangahan kong balak ko pang ulitin (Chio).

It's not like Chio and I are dating, nor do I plan to date him but—!

Puta. Ramdam kong sabay silang napatingin sa 'kin at rinig kong tumigil sila sa pag-uusap nila about some person I don't know when I quickened my pace and put a distance between me and the two of them. I mentally rip the skin off my face when I feel myself blushing dahil naalala ko ang pinaggagagawa namin ni Chio. Bukod sa inappropriate thought 'yun at a school setting, habang tirik pa ang araw, parang inappropriate din talagang isipin 'yun with his best friend who's also my ex-boyfriend.

I stop in front of my car. Na kay Chio ang susi so I wait or him to unlock it before getting inside immediately. Hindi naman kasi si Eri si Jass, and given our history, he won't read my sudden weird actions too much kaya hindi niya ako kukuwestiyunin kung bakit di man lang ako nagpaalam sa kaniya.

"Deretso uwi?" tanong ni Chio, kunot ang noo sa 'kin after niyang magpaalam kay Jass at umupo sa driver's seat. He reaches for the top of my head and ruffles my hear before keying the ignition. "'Nyare sa' yo, nugget?"

"Wala." Bakit ko naman aaminin sa kaniyang nagkaka-flashbacks ako? "Hindi mo pa ako binabati."

My eyebrows furrow when I hear him laugh. Totoo naman. Siya na lang ang hindi bumabati. I only have a few friends, so it's easy to keep track kung sino ang hindi naggi-greet sa 'kin.

He turns to look at me, eyes bright with whatever contagious joy he has brewing inside him. His hand reaches for my hair again and twirls a bunch of it on his fingers. "Happy birthday, AJ."

"Thank you," I reply. I sit back properly when he transfers his hand to the back of my seat. He's still staring, so I glance at him and tell him what to do, "Drive."

His beam melts into a gentler smile before nodding. Hindi na ako nagtanong when I notice na lumiko siya somewhere na out of way pauwi. I trust him and I know he does the most stupid things sometimes but he won't purposely get me in serious trouble.

I roll the windows down nang tumigil kami sa convenience store. May bibilhin ba siya?

"Bili na lang kita ng ice cream kasi ayaw mo naman ng regalo," he says. "Dito ka na lang sa loob?"

I blink thrice. There is no need for that, pero base sa hitsura niyang mukhang kanina pa decided na bibili siyang ice cream, hindi ko naman siya mapipigilan.

And there's a certain warmth to this simple gesture that I like. I look the opposite side, resting an elbow by the window and hiding a warming cheek on my palm. This feels nice. "Okay."

"Sige, dito ka na lang sa loob. Sara mo 'yang bintana mo, baka madukutan ka," bilin niya. He doesn't get out of the vehicle until I roll the window on my side back up.

I watch his back as he enters the store. When he comes out, he's looking my way as if he knows I'm watching him though the tinted window. Pinakita niya pa yung bitbit niyang paper bag as if he's very proud of it.

"Thanks," I tell him when he comes back inside the car.

He takes a plastic spoon from the bag and stabs my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with it. "Walang kandila. Sa kutsara ka na lang mag-wish," natatawa niyang sabi.

I destroy his dream by pulling the spoon out para kumain agad. He makes a sad sound, like that of a crying puppy, tapos nakangusong pinanood akong kumain. Isa lang yatang tub ang binili niya at para sa 'kin lang. Inalok ko siya ng ice cream by handing it over to him pero inilingan lang niya ako.

"Wala kasi akong wish," paliwanag ko.

Kung kailan naka-scoop na ako ng ice cream, saka siya nganganga. Akala ko ba ayaw?

I roll my eyes before letting him have it. Nabura na yung pagnguso-nguso niya. I look down on my ice cream when his tongue peeks from the corner of his lips para simutin ang ice cream na napunta doon.

"Bakit wala?" he asks.

"I'm fine with my life right now."

He scrunches his nose. "Lalim naman n'un. Di ba puwedeng wish mo lang na pumasa sa quiz next week? Puwede 'yun a."

I pretend not to notice when he briefly looks down at my lips while I'm eating. Oh, Christ. Parang alam ko na naman saan mapupunta 'tong inosentgn usapan namin. I look away before may mangyari na naman na hindi inaasahan. "Papasa naman ako even without wishing."

He laughs. It's loud and it's bouncing off the walls of my car. I feel like kahit umalis siya, the echoes of his laughers will still be here.

"Yabang mo rin e, 'no? Kingina ka," may gigil niyang sabi.

His hand goes to the back of my head, gently stroking my scalp twice, before letting his palm slide to my nape. A light tap of his thumb on the side of my neck makes me sit up straight. It stays there as I eat.

Mayamaya lang ay isinara ko na ang tub ng ice cream ko at binalik sa paper bag kasama ang spoon dahil nilalamig na ako. He removes his hand on my nape, and I feel like he left his handprint there because I can still feel his touch even if it's not there anymore, then reaches for his bag na nasa backseat. He hands me his water bottle even if I didn't ask for it. Uminom ako at pagkatapos ay ako na ang nagbalik n'un. I wipe my mouth with the back of my palm after.

I arch a brow when I catch him watching even my littlest movements. I don't know how I managed to keep myself steady when he reaches for me and tilts my chin up with a mere tap of his fingertip, tapos his thumb finds its way shamelessly on a small part of my lower lip. He makes a slow swipe through it as if he owns it.

Kitang-kita ko how he fights off a smile when he lets my face go; panay ang kibot ng labi niya because he's miserably failing. This dumbass; samaan ko nga ng tingin. I get my handkerchief from the pocket of my jeans para punasan ang gilid ng bibig ko. I continue to glare at him when I catch him still watching me. He should stop. Mapapadalas na kami.

Tumigil sa pagkibot ang labi niya when he gulps. My hand operates on reflex and hits him on the arm nang hagipin ulit niya ang batok ko para pisilin ako roon nang medyo mariin, sending a jolt down my spine. He just laughs when I catch his hand and give it a tight squeeze. He knows how to ruin a moment.

He manages to free his hand of my hold. "'Wag mo nga 'kong tingnan nang ganiyan, AJ," sita niya sa 'kin na parang may masama akong ginagawa. Katakot-takot na mura ang inabot niya sa 'kin when he grabs my entire face with his hand and pushes my head back sa sandalan. Gagong 'to talaga. Masakit! "Haharap ako sa Mommy mo mamaya, gusto ko malinis ang konsensiya ko."

"'Tang ina ka sabi ko." I sit back properly and fix my hair with my fingers. He should stop grabbing my head. Parang bata namang nagta-tantrums 'tong kasama ko kung mamisikal e.

I put my seatbelt back on when he points at it before he turns the keys.

"And what do you mean?" Anong haharap kay Mommy at anong malinis na konsensiya? Bakit siya haharap kay Mommy? At ano'ng pinalalabas niya? Wala naman akong agenda when I was looking at him! Nakatingin lang ako. Siya 'tong mukhang may masamang balak e.

"Hindi ka naman invited, makikikain ka lang e," I add, pertaining to my birthday slash dinner at home. Of course he's welcome there, but gusto ko lang siyang inisin. It's so unfair that he has huge hands and I have a small face. Lugi ako. Makabawi man lang.

He frowns. It feels like a prize pero it doesn't last long kasi he throws a stupid question my way when he glances at me after pulling the car out the driveway, "Bakit? Ayaw mo ba ako do'n? Uwi na 'ko?"

I press my lips together and don't answer. Lalo na when I see his smile forming again.

Tangang 'to talaga.

Of course I don't mind if he's there.

Why would I now want him to be there? Kailangang itanong pa? Buwisit na 'to.

He laughs nang makalagpas na kami sa intersection ay hindi ko pa rin siya iniimik. Hindi rin siya kasi nagsalita to change the topic or what, like he doesn't want to let go of the question without hearing my answer. Alam naman niya yung sagot, I feel like, so bakit pa nga kasi kailangang itanong?

"Kitams?" he taunts.

"Shut up," I say in a low voice. Siya ang inutusan ko pero ako ang natahimik dahil binaba niya ang isang kamay from the steering wheel papunta sa tuhod ko at magaan yung pinisil.

*

The next day, I said no singing, pero the moment I arrive at the venue, kumanta sila ng Happy Birthday. Of course nangingibabaw yung boses n'ung pambuwisit kahit nasa may likuran siya at nakatanaw lang sa 'min. He's with Jass who's sitting beside Eri's brother. May alak na agad sa bistro table.

Sab's holding a cake, Gracey has balloons on hand, and Eri's holding her phone. The latter kisses me on the cheek before telling me to make a wish. Ayaw ko namang magpaka-KJ kaya mabilis ko lang na hinipan ang apoy ng kandila.

Nagpalakpakan sila after. I hear Chio laughing, probably because I still have my straight face on, and he knows na wala akong wish nga. I appreciate all of this, of course, but it's not my scene; hindi ako sanay.

I take the balloons from Gracey's hand, though, because I like them. Sana hindi pumutok para maiuwi ko sa bahay. Kapag pinutok ni Chio, lulunurin ko siya sa pool. Wala na siyang ginawang tama.

Eri managed to find a grill and pool place, which is ideal for me because I have no time to book ng magkaibang provider for venue and food. Sinabi ko lang kay Mommy, and then the next day, it's taken care of. The place is definitely too big for us dahil kakaunti lang naman kami, but I prefer it that way. Bakit naman ako mag-i-invite sa birthday ko ng mga taong hindi ko kilala? Pakialam ba nila if I lived another year?

Nag-aya si Sab na manood muna ng movie sa loob ng isang room after nilang mag-decide na alipinin sina Chio at Jass na mag-grill ng barbecue sa labas. Kuya Aron decides to stay with them and help.

There are two rooms. Hindi na kailangang pagtalunan that us four girls get the bigger one. I sit on the carpeted floor by one of the beds, habang magkatabi sina Gracey at Eri sa kama, at si Sab ay walang takot na humiga sa malamig na sahig. She asks me what I want to watch pero binalik ko lang sa kaniya ang tanong at hinayaan siyang mamili. Kahit naman ano, okay nga sa 'kin.

My day has been made already. I don't care what we eat or kung masunog man ni Chio yung gini-grill nila sa labas (pero sana hindi beause Mommy paid for that). Or if we oversleep later. Or if the pool water's too cold dahil gabi na. Or if they make too much noise and decide that we all don't need sleep. Or if I have to nurse a hangover tomorrow.

They're here, happy with me, and that's enough. Never mind the specifics.

"'Tang ina gutom na 'ko," reklamo ni Sab wala pang 30 minutes into the movie. She turns and lies down on her chest, grunting. Anong oras na rin naman kasi. Dinner naman talaga ang usapan namin dito.

"Check ko yung food," I tell her before standing up. I ask Gracey to tie one of the balloons on my wrist at sumunod naman siya without asking. "Baka mamaya shoot sa bibig ni Chio after nila iihaw kaya di pa tayo tinatawag," I say, which makes Sa laugh loudly. Pinitpit pa niya ang paa ko habang tumatawa on my way outside.

Hindi naman ganun exactly ang inabutan ko sa labas, fortunately. Pero sina Jass at Kuya Aron lang ang nasa grill at si Chio, feeling prinsipe pala dahil nakaupo lang at panay na ang lamon. Talangang nakahigit pa siya ng upuan at doon umupo sa opposite side of the pool, may plate on his lap, at naka-shades pa na akala mo naman e tirik na tirik ang araw when it's 8 in the fucking evening. I smack the back of his head when I get to where he is kaya nabura ang ngisi niya.

"Ouch," pag-iinarte niya.

"Bakit di mo man lang tulungan sina Jass do'n?" tanong ko. I grab one of the meat slices on his plate and put it on my mouth. Nahawa na ako sa gutom ni Sab e.

Ha hands me his plate which I take. I almost choke on what I'm eating when he pulls his chair closer to me and traps my legs in between his knees. Inambahan ko siya ng siko sa mukha kaya lumayo siya nang kaunti. Jesus.

Nakatalikod naman sa 'min sina Jass at Kuya Aron pero what if kasi lumabas si Sab from inside? Makita kaming ganito kalapit?

He only chuckles lightly before leaning back on his seat, walang ounce ng kaba sa katawan. He stretches his legs instead to accommodate my figure kahit na lumayo ako sa kaniya nang kaunti. I have a feeling that he ever gets into a relationship, clingy siya. "Káya na ni Jass 'yun. Ginago ka daw e, pambawi man lang," mahina niyang sabi. I frown at him and continue eating.

He sits back properly and I almost choke again on the food when his hand reaches for the back of my knees. Sapilitin niya akong inilapit sa kaniya na parang hindi mapakali. "Dito ka nga," he says with his brows furrowed, pulling my leg. "Pahingi naman ako, 'tang ina. Pagkain ko 'yan e."

"Mommy paid for this," I remind him before lowering the paper plate para makakuha siya. "At ako ang celebrant."

He only laughs at my remark. I grab the shades he's wearing and push it over my head to keep some of my hair from falling down my face.

We are eating when he speaks, "Di ka ba nangangalay?"

"Why? You'd give up your chair for me?"

"Nuka, chix?" Tingnan mo ang lalaking 'to. "Umupo ka diyan sa sahig, aba. O humila ka ng sariling upuan mo."

He swats my hand when I give him the dirty finger. Sometimes he's such a gentleman, but sa salitaan oftentimes he's such a jackass. He wiggles his brows. "Kandong na lang kita." See?

My foot acts on its own and kicks his shin lightly. May makarinig sa kaniya! "Bibig mo."

The corner of his lips curl upwards. He asks lowly, "O? Anong gusto mong gawin ng bibig ko?"

This guy. "Fuck you."

"'Wag. Mature role na masyado. Baby pa ak—"

"Hi!!!"

I clear my throat upon noticing how quickly we peel away from each other—I immediately take a step away from Chio, and he pulls back his chair at the same beat if not earlier, upon hearing Eri's voice.

"Pahingi ako!" Eri chirps and opens her mouth. Binigay ko na sa kaniya ang plate na hawak ko after siyang subuan. I swiftly walk away and leave her with Chio because the pulse in my head is too loud and I'm scared that she can hear it.

'Tang ina. Kinabahan ako!

Lumipat na ako sa tables kung nasaan sina Sab na kalalabas lang. We start eating and Chio and Eri comes over to sit with us. I don't even dare na patagalin ang tingin kay Chio when he sits across me and I see him trying to hide a grin.

I look around and sigh mentally when I see that no one's really looking. Whatever the hell this is we're doing, there's a silent agreement na amin lang 'to beacuse we have no idea what to fucking say if anyone asks.

May kasamang alak yung food package na in-offer sa 'min, at sayang naman 'yun kung di iko-consume kaya we proceed with it after eating. Si Chio lang ang for some reason, umayaw. I'm not sure why. May dala siyang motor pero bukas pa naman kami uuwi, so he'll have enough time to sober up if he had to drive himself home. And I can always hail him a cab if he needs it.

I never have horrible hangovers, but I don't want to sleep early kaya I take it slow with the alcohol. Lumipat ako sa may poolside at umupo sa sahig, bringing a plate of grilled meat with me. Mga binti at mga paa ko lang ang nilubog ko sa tubig na hindi naman pala masyadong malamig pero hindi rin naman mainit.

The girls jump in the pool after a minute. Niyaya ako ni Eri but I say no dahil ayaw ko namang magtagal sa pool. I'll have this urge to wash myself agad, so mamaya na lang kapag inaantok na ako para magising-gising.

I am watching Sab attempt to carry Eri on her shoulder habang inaalalayan sila ni Gracey when Chio comes over to where I am sitting. He takes the almost empty plate off my lap and replaces it with what he's holding. Cake slice ang laman ng pinalit niya. Nilabas na pala niya sa ref yung cake.

"No spoon?" I ask. Inuubos na niya yung natirang meat slices sa plato ko. He just points somewhere on my plate kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Ang liit-liit ng plato, at hindi pa naman ako bulag, so I'm sure na wala namang kutsara. Ano'ng itinuturo nito? Nahulog ba sa sahig? I look for it. "Nasaan?"

Nilunok niya muna ang kinakain bago may ituro ulit. The hell. "Ayan o."

I stare at the plate and the cake slice and wait for a goddamn spoon to appear pero wala naman kasi talaga. He laughs when I transfer my gaze to him. "Ito kasi . . ."

My eyes follow his hand movement.

PUTA. PUTA!!!

Nauna pa si Chio na tumayo at tumakbo palayo sa 'kin bago ko pa siya mamura. Ah, fuck. Tumayo ako at sinubukang alisin ang icing sa bandang eyelids ko because it's so uncomfortable. 'Tang inang Chio. 'Tang ina talaga. Ang laki-laki ng kamay niya kaya naman halos buong mukha ko yung napahiran niya ng icing na dinakot niya sa maliit na slice ng cake.

Hinayupak na buwisit. I have no choice but to wipe some of it off with my shirt. 'Yan tuloy, buwisit. Magpapalit pa ako nang damit agad! So annoying.

It's Jass who hands me a damp towel para punasan ang mukha ko. After getting most of it off, hinanap agad ng mga mata ko ang putang inang si Chio. I see him watching me from the opposite side of the pool, obviously on guard na parang alam niyang kapag nahagip ko siya e makakalbo ko siya. Ang lagkit kasi sa mukha! Ang dumi na rin tuloy ng t-shirt ko.

Nakakaisang hakbang pa lang ako, nakatakbo na agad siya. Oh, it's on. I chase after him and he frantically runs away, still laughing. Nahubad pa ang tsinelas niyang hindi na siya nag-abalang isuot ulit. He just kicks its partner off his other foot.

Siyempre lugi ako dahil ang liksi niya gumalaw. I don't even know why I wasted my energy ganung mas mahaba naman ang mga legs niya kaysa sa sa 'kin. At ano namang laban ko as someone na hindi naman lumaking naglalaro or may physical activities?

He's still laughing when he stops from running. Sinaway na siya ni Sab, saying na wag akong inisin dahil ako ang may birthday, because I'm not having it. Inirapan ko lang siya bago pulutin ang tsinelas niyang nahubad kanina at isinuot in replacement of my sandals na hindi komportable. These are mine now.

Pumasok na lang ako sa loob para maghilamos nang ayos. I am rinsing the soap off my face nang may marinig akong tumikhim by the door na iniwan kong bukas, at siyempre sino pa ba 'yun kundi yung buwisit?

I grab a clean, dry towel from the rack after I'm done. I hit Chio on the face with it nang lumapit siya from behind. His arm around my waist from behind me locks me in place, keeping me steady after he grabs the towel from my hold with his free hand then siya na ang nagtuyo sa mukha ko. "Sorry na. Pikon neto e."

"Give me that." I snatch back the towel. He pouts and watches me from the mirror habang inaayos ko ang sarili ko.

And god . . . he has no plans of removing his arm. Comfortable na comfortable ang kamay niyang namamahinga sa bewang ko as if it's so used to being there.

"May regalo ako sa 'yo," he says after I'm done. Lalo lang lumalim ang simangot ko.

I show him my wrist para ipaalis sa kaniya ang pagkakabuhol ng string ng lobo na itinali ko roon kanina. Di ko na kasi matanggal dahil nabasâ na yung string at medyo humigpit na ang buhol. Sumunod naman siya agad.

"Sabi ko no gifts," I remind him.

He smiles gently. "Sus."

I smack his shoulder. "I'm serious."

He shrugs. Naalis na niya yung buhol. He holds onto the balloon string. "Payong lang naman 'yun. Matibay pero hindi na parang pang-body builder kaya di ka na mahihirapang isara kapag ginagamit mo. At di ka na rin tatamarin gamitin ang payong mo kasi nga madali nang isara."

I have no idea why that shuts me up. It takes me several seconds to say the proper response when someone gives a gift, "Thanks."

"Welcs," he replies with a grin.

"Now, out," utos ko, pointing him to the door. "Magpapalit akong damit."

He raises a brow. "Mamaya na. Aga pa o," aniya. Pinatay na niya ang ilaw sa loob ng CR kahit nasa loob pa kami, and my heart rate raises almost immediately at the reality of being alone with him in a dark room, but that doesn't last long dahil balak pala niya akong hilahin palabas. Jesus. What has this guy done to my train of thought? Parang nadiskaril yung railroad dahil what the fuck, bakit doon agad pumunta ang isip ko?

Paglabas namin, dumeretso siya sa motor na dala niya. I watch him tie the balloon string sa handle before I go and sit on the poolside kung nasaan sina Eri. Nakaupo lang din sa steps sina Eri at Gracey, while si Sab lang ay walang pagod na nilalangoy ang buong perimeter ng pool.

"Okay ka lang?" tanong ni Gracey sa 'kin. I nod. "I thought mag-aaway kayo . . ."

That makes me scowl. Puwede naman kaming mag-away ni Chio, actually. But the stupid me let the stupid boy know my weaknesses kaya hindi kami nag-away. Paano ko isu-sustain yung sinasabi ni Chio na pagkapikon ko when he says sorry then proceed to hold me against his body?

Kinilabutan ako nang slight. The hell. What happened to me? Ako pa ba 'to?

Tinawanan ni Eri si Gracey. "Ganiyan lang silang dalawa. Nagsisigawan na akala mo nasa barangay . . . tapos nag-uusap na ulit nang ayos mayamaya. Kulit kasi ni Chio, pikon naman nitong si Julibear."

I lean a bit to splash some water on Eri's face. Di ako pikunin, 'no. Unfair na tawagin akong pikunin kung Chio levels yung kulit.

"AJ."

Napalingon ako kay Chio nang marinig ang boses niya sa likuran ko. I was about to ask him what pero hindi natuloy because the next thing I knew, lubog na ang katawan ko sa pool dahil bigla niya akong tinulak. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga to calm myself down from the shock. Guguntingin ko na talaga ang buhok nitong si Chio! Kaya naman pala ayaw akong pagpalitin ng damit!

Tatawa-tawa lang ang gago before sitting on his ankles and offering me a hand para makaahon. Winisikan ko siya ng tubig sa mukha before holding onto his hand, accepting his help, and lifting myself out of the water. Ang bigat ng katawan ko when I stand up dahil sa tubig.

"Nakakatawa 'yun, ha?" tanong ko sa kaniya. He stands up, too, and ruffles my hair na tuyo pa dahil hindi naman sumama ang ulo ko sa lumubog sa tubig. Muntik lang, hindi naman kasi malakas ang pagkakatulak sa 'kin at hindi naman kasi masyadong malalim sa part na 'to.

"Hindi," sagot niya habang pinipiga ko ang dulo ng t-shirt ko. "Pero ito nakakatawa."

PUTA. I hear Sab's laughter blending with Chio's nang maitulak ulit ako sa pool. Medyo malakas this time and my footing is off kaya nabasâ na pati ang buhok ko. Chio quickly runs to the table where our food is, ready nang magtago. Alam kong mapapagod lang ako kapag hinabol ko siya so I just make my way to the other end of the pool, splashing some water on Sab's face on the way dahil suportado pa niya si Chio sa pinaggagagawa nito sa 'kin.

I lift myself up from the water and stay in one corner. Hindi naman na ako b-in-other ni Chio. Mukhang alam niya rin na he needs to let me have my moments of silence before siya lumapit dahil delikado na talaga siya sa 'kin.

I soak in my silence for a long time, na alam kong mababali rin soon enough, and just watch the girls leave the pool para sumama roon kina Jass na nakaupo sa table at mine-make sure na hindi masasáyang yung consumable drinks na binayaran ni Mommy. When I see Eri and Gracey going back in the rooms, probably para magpapahinga na dahil gabi na and drunk Eri's already dancing her way back inside, saka lang ako tumayo at pumunta roon sa table.

Napaayos ng upo si Chio; dapat lang. I roll my eyes at him before grabbing a small bottle of beer at dalhin 'yun pabalik sa puwesto ko kanina. I am halfway through it when Chio jumps in the pool from the other side, then swims his way to get to where I am. It's a good decision to push the bottle away from me dahil nakutuban kong may gagawin na naman siyang kalokhan, and I am right dahil the moment na nahagip niya ang legs ko, nahila na naman niya ako pabalik sa pool. He should just ask nicely next time. Isa pang hila niya sa 'kin at magagantihan ko na siya ng sapok.

I have no problem with getting back in the water dahil basa na rin naman ang damit ko, but FUCK he wouldn't let me lift my head off the water pagbaba ko. He keeps grabbing my head and dunking it down for some unknown reason, at hindi naman siya tinatablan ng panghahampas ko sa katawan niya. I end up trying to swim away from him as fast as possible. 'Tang inang 'to, walang magawa?!

I stop when I feel his hands on my bare waist dahil umaangat ang t-shirt ko dahil sa tubig. Napamura siya at panay ang iwas nang wisikan ko siya nang wisikan ng tubig sa mukha, but his grip on me stays firm and unmoving.

Tinigilan ko ang ginagwa when his fingers dig on my skin and one of his hands hike up a bit. He doesn't seem to have an idea how his hold is making me warm all over, dahil tatawa-tawa lang siya habang sinusubukang alisin ang mga buhok niyang sabog na sa mukha niya by flipping his head because he has no plans to use his hands na busy pakabugin ang dibdib ko. "Pababayaan ba naman kitang malunod, ha?" may gigil niyang sabi pero natatawa. "Tangang 'to."

Winisikan ko siya ng tubig sa mukha for the last time as a response. I notice just now na we're at the end of the pool opposite to where Jass, Kuya Aron, and Sab are na umiinom pa. This guy's way to be discreet is at the expense of wearing my patience thin. He could've just signaled for me to move here kung gusto niyang dito kami. Hindi yung ilulublob niya ako nang ilulublob to get me to where he wants me to be at.

"Nilalamig na 'ko," reklamo ko. He lets go of me. He doesn't simply peel his hands off me. Talagang he slides his hands down, touching me as much as he can, until they drop to his side. But maybe that's just me being hyperaware of his touch. Fucking hell. Anoman ang ginawa sa 'kin ng lalaking 'to should be freaking studied. A few months ago, if anyone had told me na ganito ang magiging epekto ng tangang 'to sa 'kin, I would have laughed for three days straight.

He helps me pull myself up para makaupo sa gilid. He stays in the water, standing beside where I am. My back straightens up when he grabs one of my legs, hugs it, and leans his head on the side of my knee. Napatingin ako kina Sab na nag-uusap sa kung ano at wala naman sa 'min ang tingin.

I shouldn't be so worried. Besides . . . at first glance, wala namang makaka-pick up. They would just see Chio trying to cling onto me like usual, and me letting him dahil wala akong choice.

Pikit na ang mga mata ni Chio when I look at him. Mukhang finally, na-low batt din siya. I carefully touch his hair and pull some of them away from his face, tugging away the black bands na masyadong mahigpit and will probably damage his good hair. I am twirling his wet hair with my fingers para mas makita ko yung curl n'un when he grabs my hand, gives it a squeeze, then places it down on my lap. "'Wag."

Magso-sorry sana ako dahil akala ko ayaw lang talaga niyang hinahawakan ang buhok niya, but then he adds, "Kikiligin ako sa 'yo niyan."

"'Tang ina ka."

He laughs. He completely lets go of my leg, and hikes himself up to sit beside me. Inirapan ko ang mga braso niyang walang kamalay-malay na inirapan ko sila. As much as I hate to admit again, the idiot looks decent. The problem is that he's an idiot nga.

Marami-rami ring madaling nabudol ng itsura niya. He has a heart-shaped face, a slightly upturned nose with an adorable button, and good hair with a natural wave that holds his features together in harmony. May laman nang kaunti ang cheeks niya which makes him look softer despite the sharp angle of his jaw. He has this boy-next-door look, at tama naman because he's so approachable and never pinagdamot ang ngiti niya.

"Magtuyo ka na," utos niya sa 'kin bago tumayo. He offers a hand and helps me up.

"Bakit?" Hindi pa naman ako inaantok. And I don't mind staying in the pool with him for a little longer.

He grins, tilting his head to the direction where his motorcycle is parked. "Labas tayo."

*

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal sa daan. After taking a long bath dahil hindi ako mapakali thinking of pool water against my skin, changing into clean clothes, and drying my hair with Eri's blower, lumabas ako ng CR na tulog na yung tatlong babae sa kuwarto. Pero naabutan ko pa si Jass sa loob ng room namin, cleaning up. He just smiles at me and doesn't say anything before continuing what he's doing. Pinuntahan ko ang mga gamit ko sa tabi ni Sab after returning Eri's dryer sa tabi ng bag niya.

My eyebrows furrow when I see a black hoodie laid all over my bag. Nilingon ko si Jass na nagwawalis. I ask in a low voice, careful not to wake any of the girls up, "Kanino 'to?"

Jass looks at me. "Kay Chio. Nilapag niya kanina habang nasa banyo ka," sagot niya.

"A . . . okay." Hindi ko alam ang gagawin doon. I look at Jass at mukhang wala lang naman sa kaniya yung pag-iwan ni Chio ng damit nito for me. I want to ask if he knows anything, pero kapag tinanong ko tapos wala naman, e di ako na naman ang mamomroblema? Na-reveal pa nang wala sa oras.

Jass clears his throat. "Sorry, alis na ba 'ko? Nag-aayos kami ni Aron ng basura e para hindi makalat. Tutulog ka na ba?"

I hesitantly shake my head no. "It's fine. I'll . . . I'll go out."

"Gabi na, a? Saan ka pupunta?" Jass asks, sounding genuinely concerned. I gulp before putting Chio's hoodie on over my button-up, giving me time para hindi ko agad sagutin yung tanong niya. The hoodie falls around where my denim shorts end.

"Kasama ko naman si Chio," sagot ko kay Jass with all the courage I can muster. I have no idea how I can keep a straight face kahit na kumakalabog nang malakas ang dibdib ko. Wala naman talagang mali sa sagot ko. Kasama ko si Chio kaya makakalabas ako ngayong gabi. Anong kaduda-duda roon? It's safer for me to go outside this late with a guy friend.

"Sa'n kayo pupunta?" Mukha namang inosenteng-inosente ang pagkakatanong niya.

"I don't know." I hope he doesn't ask further. Like, bakit kami aalis? Ano ang gagawin namin sa labas this late? Hell, I have no idea. At fuck, ayokong isipin. Lalo na yung ano ang gagawin namin. Kasi hindi ko talaga alam kay Chio. At yung nasa isip, bawal i-share kay Jass.

Jass lets me go without more questions. Paglabas ko, nandoon na si Chio at pinaiinit ang makina habang naghihintay sa 'kin. May suot siyang jacket . . . so dalawa yung dinala niya kasama yung suot ko?

Nakatali pa rin yung isang string ng lobo sa silinyador. He grabs the helmet na nakasabit sa kabila when I come over. "Tuyo na ba 'yang buhok mo? Mamamaho helmet ko sa 'yo e."

I look at him flatly which makes him laugh. He ruffles my hair bago isuot sa ulo ko yung helmet. And yes, tuyo ang buhok ko dahil ginamit ko nga ang blower ni Eri. I have a feeling na kung basa ang buhok ko, sosolohin ni Chio yung helmet niya.

"Joke lang kasi. Kahit basa 'yang buhok mo, okay lang. Mamaho na helmet ko . . ."

I arch a brow. Tama nga ako nang may kasunod pa 'yun. " . . . basta ibibili mo 'kong bago, ha?"

"Para kang gago," I say and smack his arm. He merely laughs, trying to keep the volume down dahil lagot siya kay Sab kapag nagising 'yun.

The next thing I know, we're on the road. And we stayed in the road for a very long time kaya I'm convinced na hindi rin niya alam kung saan kami pupunta. Wala masyadong sasakyan, malamig, at madilim. Kung hindi lang si Chio ang kasama ko, I'll be nervous, thinking na ang susunod na kahahantungan ko nito ay news report about being missing.

After some time, binagalan din niya ang patakbo, probably because we're starting to see groups of people walking. Humanap lang siya ng hilera ng mga sasakyang naka-park at tumabi roon. Bumaba na ako when he tells me to.

"What time is it?" I ask after removing my helmet. I cannot check the time dahil iniwan ko purposely ang phone ko sa room namin.

Nilingon ako ni Chio, kunot ang noo. "Wala kang phone?" I shake my head no. He laughs as he gets off the motorcycle. "Gagi, sira. Di ako nagdala ng phone kasi alam kong lagi kang may dala," aniya sabay kuha ng helmet sa 'kin at sukbit n'un sa kabilang siko niya.

His right hand finds its place again on my nape, and somehow I can feel its warmth kahit na ang kapal-kapal na nitong hioodie na pinahiram niya sa 'kin. "Gago, kapag nawala tayo, paano tayo kukuhang tulong?" natatawa niyang tanong. I nudge him lightly dahil baka mabati. "Okay lang, 'no? At least magkasama tayo."

"Thinking ng mga tanga 'yan," sabi ko na lalo lang niyang ikinatawa. Even if you die with someone you don't mind dying with, patay ka pa rin.

We walk towards where the lamp posts are, following the minimal foot traffic, until we notice an arch na mukhang ilang ulan at bagyo na ang in-endure because it's obviously old and the metals are rusting. It looks like a market inside, pero mukhang pasarado na rin ang mga stalls or oras na ng mga nagtitinda para numakaw ng tulog habang wala na masyadong tao. I'm not sure. Or baka night market dahil gising na gising pa rin naman ang iba.

"Bili tayo ng palanggana," sabi ni Chio nang lumagpas kami sa parang tricycle na naglalako ng household items. Umiling na lang ako. Habang naglalakad kami, lahat yata ng makikita niya, isa-suggest niyang bumili kami. Bili tayo ng walis. Bili tayo ng headband (na obviously ay pambata). Bili tayo ng alahas (those earrings pinned in red cushions and necklaces hung over metal bars). Bili tayo ng langis (I do not know what those are, or what those are for). Bili tayo ng panyo. Bili tayo ng phone case.

After passing by a number of stalls selling gadget accessories, my eyes land on a flower store. There are pre-arranged bouquets placed inside plastic bins that are lined up outside. An old man is standing inside, both his hands behind his back, and catches me looking. He smiles at me and I smile back apologetically because . . . I don't like flowers.

But they look so pretty . . . at may natatanaw pa ako roon sa loob na malalaking mga lalagyan ng mga bulaklak na parang hindi pa nakaayos pero magaganda rin.

Nabali lang ang pagtingin ko doon when Chio comes into view. He comes over to where the old man is, at hindi na ako lumapit because I have a feeling kung ano'ng ginagawa niya. I am proven right when he grabs his wallet from the back pocket of his shorts, and then he hands the old man some bills before coming back to me.

My hearts is beating loudly in my chest. "I don't like flowers," I say, keeping my voice down dahil baka marinig naman kami n'ung nagtitinda.

He grins. Then he just shrugs, rests his hand on my nape again, and prompts me to walk. "Bigyan daw si Lolo ng time. Balikan na lang natin mamaya."

"Ayaw ko nga ng bulaklak. It's not practical. It's gonna die," paliwanag ko.

"Gusto mo ng empanada?" he asks while pointing to the stall, ignoring my question.

I sigh. I shake my head. "Mamaya na lang. Busog na ako."

"Okay, sis," sagot niya bago ako hilahin ulit sa ibang stall. Pagkatapos naming ikutin yung buong area, marking where the food stalls are na babalikan daw niya mamaya, pumunta na ulit kami roon sa nagbebenta ng bulaklak.

I sigh and just let him go inside to grab the bouquet; nabayaran na 'yun e. The old man who's manning the store sends us off with a smile na binalik ko ulit out of politeness. Chio hands me the bouquet of pink and pale yellow flowers na hindi ako pamilyar sa pangalan.

"I don't like flowers." It's small and handy. And it's very pretty. I want to take a photo of it pero naalala kong neither of us have a phone, kaya nakakainis.

"Hindi praktikal, Chio," I add. I carefully touch the paper used to wrap it together. It's so pretty. "Thanks, but I don't want this. Last na 'to."

I look up at him when I hear him snicker. Akala ko may sasabihin siya, but he just watches me with that amused smile on his face. He looks away, tugging his lower lip under his teeth.

Binalik ko ang tingin sa bouquet. How do I preserve this? Mommy puts her bouquets on a vase, pero ginugupitan pa niya 'yun minsan bago niya ilagay. I have no idea why she does that, or what's the correct way to do that. P

aano nga 'yun ginagawa ni Mommy? And saan nga napupunta yung flowers after? Does she throw them away? I don't want to throw these away when they die . . . .

"Tapos ka na, nugget?"

"What?"

He sighs, but he's smiling after. His hand goes to a small spot of my back instead of my nape. "Tapos ka nang titigan?"

What?

Natameme ako roon. He doesn't ask again, and we quietly walk to the bench we spotted earlier. It's facing the river, malayo-layo nang kaunti sa market kaya walang tao around, has a lamp post beside it kaya mas malinaw ko nang nakita ang kulay ng bouquet, and it's fortunately unoccupied. I sit while he stays standing. I think he says something about buying us food, pero tinanguan ko na lang kahit hindi ko naintindihan because I'm busy thinking kung ano'ng tawag doon sa mga bulaklak na nasa arrangement. I realize na all this time, kahit na binibili ko si Mommy ng flower, I know no shit about them.

Narinig ko ang mahinang tawa niya mayamaya lang, signalling that he's back. Chio's holding a brown bag of what I assume is galing doon sa tindahan ng empanada na dinaanan namin, and a large plastic cup of siomai. Nilapag lang niya ang mga 'yun sa tabi ko.

"Titig na titig ka na naman diyan sa bulaklak . . . di naman yan mawawala. Tama na muna. Kain tayo," he says in a hushed voice, smiling after.

I just place it on my lap. It's my first bouquet. Nobody has given me flowers before.

Because I don't want it. It's not practical.

But this . . . this oddly feels nice.

Saka ko lang napansin na nakatitig na naman ako sa bouquet when Chio leans over to drop a kiss on top of my head. "Happy birthday sa 'yo," he whispers.

I look up at him. He hasn't stopped smiling since we got here.

It only takes a light tug on the hem of his shirt, like he knows it's a command, for him to dip his head and give me a proper kiss. My hearts expands and pushes against the barely holding bones of my chest when he rasps my name against my lips. At the same time his hand finds a way to the side of my neck, my fingers grab on the first thing it can reach—one of the belt loops of his jean shorts.

Napaigtad siya. He gasps on my mouth and his fingers which are earlier just resting on the side of my neck dig a bit on my skin. My lips' reflex is to chase after his, desperate to close the distance in between, when he pulls away a bit.

Hindi lang sa ngiti galante si Chio. He doesn't leave me wanting for long. "Oo, wait . . ." he whispers as he leaves a trail of kisses on my jaw. "Iyo 'yan, iyo 'yan . . ." he adds while his thumb keeps on drawing lines on my neck, and I feel like bursting into pieces. "Birthday mo 'di ba? 'Kala mo may kaagaw e," he adds with a laugh.

I do not know where all my logic went. Maybe it's out there in the river. Because I do not recognize the sound I make when his thumb presses a bit on the side of my neck, and I have not an ounce of idea of why I replied to him with, "Gusto ko kahit di ko birthday."

"Hayop ka, AJ," he mumbles, biting lightly on my lower lip before his hand crawls to the back of my neck and pulls. "Pero 'tang ina, sige."

### Will update next month na (: