041323 #BYLAMwp Chapter 13

"Ano pong meron?" I ask Auntie Mel pag-uwi ko because naunahan pa ako ni Mommy. Nasa couch kasi yung handbag niyang imposible namang umuwing mag-isa.

I also notice that the living room's flower vase has a new arrangement of flowers I most definitely did not buy. I'm wondering if those are Tito Luis' just because flowers or if si Mommy ang bumili because there is something to celebrate. I'm leaning on the latter because nagtutulingan si Auntie Mel, which is Mommy's favorite food.

"Okay na ang visa ng Mommy mo," Auntie Mel says before turning the stove off. Oh. "Hindi pa sinasabi sa 'yo?"

"Not yet po," I say, taking a jug of water out of the fridge and a glass from the dish rack. Ang tagal nang inaasikaso ni Mommy 'yun. I think it took her, what, three months to get an appointment? Di rin nakatulong na she doesn't want to let go of the hospital yet kaya sobrang busy niya. "Where is she?"

"Nasa taas. Kausap yata si Luis. Uuna ka na bang kumain?"

I shake my head no. I'm not hungry, yet. Nagpaalam ako kay Auntie Mel at umakyat muna sa kuwarto ko. I change into my pajamas, washed my face, then cleaned up my room a bit before going to Mommy's. Kumatok muna ako nang tatlong beses at pumasok lang nang payagan niya ako. Kabubukas ko pa lang ng door when I see Tito Luis' face on the screen of her phone.

Isasara ko sana ulit ang pinto to give them some privacy, but she tells me to go inside anyway. Nag-hi lang ako kay Tito Luis then sit on the loveseat sa corner because I don't want to be seen in the frame, and I'm dead tired of driving. I just want to talk to Mommy dahil minsan ko lang siya maabutang maaga ang uwi.

And having her visa approved means, well, she's leaving soon. Maybe all she has left to do is tie her loose ends sa hospital. And her private clinic—what will happen to that? Will it just close? But, yeah, it's Mommy leaving that somehow bothers me.

I don't know how to feel. It's like she's all I have ever known my entire, lonely life tapos she'll be just . . . gone.

Well, not really gone-gone, but just miles away. Maybe for a year. I'll be with Auntie Mel for a year to process my own documents and tapusin na rin yung next school year, I think, kung matatapos ko man. Pero I don't really know yet. What will happen to Auntie Mel when I leave? She can take care of the house . . . maybe even live here. What about me?

Ngayon ko nga lang naisip yung tinanong ni Ced before na paano yung studies ko. Mag-e-enrol pa ba ako next year? Paano ako kapag nandoon na? Baka mamaya magpaka-torture ako rito sa Engineering tapos wala naman palang merit once I'm there. But it's not like I have something to do in a span of a year, kaya it's okay lang din siguro to just study here to pass time.

Parang ngayon lang talaga nag-sink in na I have to think of lots of things if we're moving there. Well, it only felt real just a few minutes ago when Auntie Mel told me about Mommy's visa. Alam ko namang Mommy wants to leave, pero hindi ko masyado 'yun inisip before given the processing time and all the bureaucratic delays and hassles. When she got married, hindi ko rin masyadong na-process na we're going to leave eventually. Ngayon lang talaga dahil it's happening soon, maybe in a few months . . . .

Nagpakita lang ulit ako sa frame nang itapat sa 'kin ni Mommy ang front cam ng phone niya para magpaalam kay Tito Luis. When her phone screen goes black, saka lang ako lumipat sa kama niya. I lay down on it while she stands up to rid of herself of work clothes.

"Sinabi na ng Auntie Mel mo sa 'yo?" she asks while I'm busy staring at the ceiling.

"Yes."

"Are you alright?"

I look at her flatly nang silipin niya ako. She's hovering. Why wouldn't I be alright? "Of course." She's happy. She longed for this and she deserves it. "Pagod lang po sa pagda-drive."

She stops hovering. I hear her laugh. I close my eyes to the sound and hope na hindi ako makatulog dito because she's going to sleep here then she's going to hug me. Mommy's a hugger, kaya ang daming unan sa bed niya. And I love her but I do not like hugs. "'Ku, mas pagod ka naman 'pag nag-commute. Dapat ba hinahanap na kita ng maghahatid sa 'yo?"

"It's fine, 'My," I answer with my eyes closed. "When are you leaving?"

She hums, as if she's still thinking about it. Napapaidlip ako in between her monologue about the job and her patients that she has to leave. Nagising ako when she asks when my semester ends because she wants to spend more time with me before leaving. And then she goes on about updates on Tito Luis' house in Madrid na pina-re-renovate.

Napailing ako when she mentions details about my room, or yung plans for that. The reality of me leaving in a year or so is still hard to grasp.

It doesn't feel real—kahit na since pinaalam sa 'kin ni Mommy na stable na sila ni Tito Luis, alam ko na yung prospects of leaving. Mas nakita ko yung possibility n'un when Tito Luis asked for my permission regarding their marriage. But now that it's here . . . I don't know. I feel weird.

Parang kasi . . . I'm moving elsewhere—starting again if I want to be extreme—so I'm leaving a lot of things behind. So it's supposed to feel light.

But I feel the opposite.

"Are you okay?" Mommy asks, slipping back into the corner of my vision.

She's not smiling, probably worried na I'm sleeping with both eyes open kasi hindi ako nagsasalita mula pa kanina, but I know she's happy. So I answer, "Yes."

*

Almost a week after Mommy's visa got approved, dala ko pa rin yung pakiramdam. It keeps slipping in my mind every chance it gets, and I end up thinking about it in circles. Wala akong pinatutunguhan sa mga tanong ko sa sarili. I don't even know what answers I'm looking for.

I press the doorbell pagbaba ko ng taxi sa harap ng bahay nina Ced. This is not even something I do, pero my mind is too occupied with migrating kaya napa-oo ako kay Ced kahit di ko maintindihan masyado yung request niya. Not like I don't care about him, but I don't recall bringing my friends (not that I have many) food to their homes when they are sick. Lalo na't nag-commute pa ako. Sisingilin ko siya.

Ced comes out of the house in red shorts and a white shirt. To be fair, mukha nga siyang nagkasakit. He furrows his brows at me but pulls the gates open para makapasok ako. "Bakit ikaw? Sabi ko pautang lang ako ng delivery," natatawa niyang sabi. He leaves the door open papunta sa living room. I take my sandals off before going inside and placing the takeouts on the center table.

"Really?" tanong ko pagbalik niya from the kitchen. May bitbit na siyang dalawang tall glass ng orange juice. "'Yun ba sinabi mo?" He called earlier while I'm staring at the ceiling and trying to map out my thoughts. Hindi ko yata masyadong naintindihan.

He laughs, nodding. He urges me to sit. Umupo ako sa couch at nilipat ang tingin sa TV na nasa sports channel. He takes the seat across me, then inalis sa plastik yung mga binili ko. "The receipt is there."

"Magbabayad ako."

"Okay. Nag-taxi din ako."

Inangat niya ang tingin sa 'kin. "Hatid na lang kita pabalik as payment. Wala ka bang pasok?"

"Walang prof. Mamayang hapon meron," sagot ko. I check the time on my wristwatch. I still have two hours. I can stay here.

He scratches the back of his head after setting aside the plastic bags. "Bakit kasi ikaw ang nagdala dito?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "Do you want me to leave?"

Agad ang pag-iling niya. Inalok niya ako ng pagkain niya but I say no dahil nag-lunch na ako after sirain ng tawag niya ang katahimikan ko kanina. "So ano?"

"What?"

He gestures his face using the plastic fork he's holding. "Yung mukha mo. I-have-a-question face."

Sumandal ako nang ayos sa couch. I remain silent for a few seconds, because I feel like I have a question but I don't know what it is yet. Nakakainis yung pakiramdam. May nangungulit sa 'yong sagot na parang may dapat kang malaman, pero hindi mo naman alam kung ano yung tanong mismo. So how am I supposed to figure out the answer to that?

"I'm leaving," I say after two commercial breaks. I keep my eyes on the TV screen.

"What? Now?"

"No." I shake my head. "I mean, yung sinabi ko sa 'yo before . . . I'm leaving because of my mom and step-dad," paliwanag ko. "Spain. Mommy's visa got approved."

God, maybe I decided earlier to go here kasi I can't talk about any of this to my friends. They don't even know about my plans of leaving. Si Jass lang ang nakakaalam. But I don't think he has told anyone about it yet, or baka nakalimutan na rin niya. Nadagdagan pa tuloy ako ng iisipin—how am I going to tell them? And how the fuck am I going to make friends in Madrid? Baka halaman na lang ang kausapin ko roon once I get there.

"Yeah, I remember," Ced says. "And?"

"I don't know."

"Really?"

Napalingon ako sa kaniya. What does he mean by that? "Ha?"

He finishes chewing first before answering. Inilapit niya rin sa 'kin ang baso ng orange juice kaya dinampot ko para bawasan out of courtesy. "You 'don't know,' o alam mo but you just don't want to say it?"

Sinimangutan ko siya. "Di ko naman talaga alam."

"Pa'nong hindi mo nga alam? Ano'ng meron ba? Di ba okay ang mom and step-dad mo? Or you and your step-dad?"

"We're fine." Umiling ako. "It just feels weird." Maybe talking about it would make it seem more real. At wala nga akong makausap tungkol dito. Huh. Baka try-out na 'to on telling my friends about it. Well, tatlo lang naman sila . . . Sab, Eri, and, well, Chio.

Ced nods. "Kailan ka ba aalis?"

"Next year pa. I haven't told my other friends about it."

"Ah . . ." He continues to nod slowly. "Ako lang nakakaalam?"

I shrug. "One of the two."

"Wow. Honored."

Inilingan ko lang siya. He stays silent while finishing his meal, and that's what I prefer. I don't actually need him to say anything, I figure. Maybe I just really wanted to tell a friend about it. I feel comfortable calling Ced a friend, and he's a safe choice sa puwedeng unang sabihan about it.

There's always a certain weight in keeping secrets. With what happened with Jass, I don't need a lesson about that anymore. 

He stands up, bitbit yung basura niya after he's done eating. Dumeretso siya papasok somewhere. "How's your guy?" he asks from where he is.

"He's not MY guy," pagkaklaro ko, nilalakasan nang kaunti ang boses. Kami lang naman yata ang nandito. He hasn't stopped referring to Chio as 'your guy' ever since, dahil hindi ko talaga pinapangalanan. Tsismoso pa naman 'to. Baka mamaya matunton niya online.

I hear him laugh. Maya-maya lang, bumalik na siya sa salas. "Question still stands."

"Ganun pa rin," sagot ko. Ever since that afternoon, ito yung masasabi ko talagang parang walang nangyari. He's still being annoying and odd 90% of the time, but he's not bringing that moment up. Not using it as a shitty reference, too. Yung friend pa rin ang reference na ginagamit niya nang paulit-ulit.

Bumalik kami sa café nang parang wala talagang nangyari—there is really no other term to use for it. We break apart from the hug, he fiddles with the ends of my hair for a bit, and I was the first to walk away. Di ko alam kung napag-isip-isip niyang it would be better for him to wait it out para hindi kami sabay bumalik or nagkataon lang, but he did come back maybe a minute or two after me.

He only glances at me once, like sending a silent message, pagkatapos n'un ay wala na. No one seems to be acting different, probably having zero idea of what just happened outside, or they're just really busy cursing Jass and his very stable hand.

Well, wala naman talaga kaming ginawa ni Chio na dapat pansinin . . . . Looking from a different angle, wholesome lang 'yun. It's just a normal pair of friends sharing a hug. Forehead kisses need not necessarily mean anything romantic.

I almost wanted to bang my head on the table and make the jenga tower to fall over dahil na-realize kong maybe I am getting good at this dahil sa nangyari kay Jass. And I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I seem to be doing it all over again after the outcome of that.

Seem lang dahil, obviously, Chio's not my boyfriend. Nor 'my guy' as what Ced is saying.

"You still think he's being 'weird'?" Ced asks, making air quotes.

"Toned down na," sabi ko. Hindi na masyadong nakakainis yung pag-friend-friend niya dahil nabawasan na ng sarcasm doon. To my ears, it just sounds like a normal way of referring to me. Or baka na-train na lang din yung tenga ko, I don't know. "But we . . ."

Ced arches a brow when I don't finish my statement. I cross my arms over my chest and sinks on the couch, resting the back of my head on the backrest.

I know kasasabi ko lang na parang walang nangyari, but . . . it obviously doesn't feel like it. Outside, yes, it looks like wala talagang bago. At akala ko, buong akala ko, 'yun lang ang nagma-matter—how he acts around me and how we are going to be perceived. But now I feel like my insides are eating me alive. And it sucks kasi Chio can't share the weight of it dahil akin lang 'yun. Oh, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions . . .

I tell Ced about what happened sa board game café, and he laughs his ass off to the point na muntik na niyang maibuga yung orange juice na iniinom niya. To say that he looks amused is an understatement. Buti na lang I don't really have much time left para magisa niya dahil kailangan na niya akong ihatid.

"Parang teleserye naman 'yang nangyayari sa 'yo," he says as I hop in his car. He's well enough to drive. "We should really be friends."

"Hindi pa pala tayo friends." Had I known, baka hindi ko siya dinalhan ng pagkain dito sa bahay niya pa mismo. He merely laughs before pulling the car out of the driveway and going back out to close the gates.

"I mean, even if you leave, we should stay friends," he says when he comes back. I don't answer. I mean, that would be nice, pero matatanda na kami at magkakalayo pa. It's hard to sustain relationships. "Ulit nga. Hi. Ced."

My eyebrows furrow when he offers his hand for a handshake. Nilingon ko siya. "What?"

"First time I introduced myself, may iba akong agenda," he admits. He smiles sheepishly before offering his hand again. "Iba na ngayon, don't worry. Friends?"

I shake my head and accept the silly handshake. "May utang ka sa 'kin. Hindi ako nagpapautang sa hindi ko friend," I tell him. Half-serious 'yun pero tinawanan lang niya ako. He lets me have the quiet that I need during the whole drive.

Automatic ang pagbuntonghininga ko nang makita sina Jass at Chio sa kiosk sa likod ng building. Wala pa yata sina Sab at Eri na sabay papasok. Jass is busy with his phone. Ang nakahalumbabang si Chio sa tabi niya ay nakapikit na at mukhang antok na antok pa.

"What's up?" tanong ni Ced, noticing how I am eyeing my two guy friends. He takes his hands off the steering wheel. "Your friends? So isa diyan yung guy mo?"

"Not my guy." I will not get tired of clarifying that.

He chuckles. "'Yan nga? I want to take a guess kung who's who."

I sigh again. I stay in Ced's car for a moment, making sure my heart won't jump out of my chest when I walk towards Chio later. Nang masigurong okay lang ako ay tinanggal ko na ang seatbelt ko.

"Yung nasa kanan," sagot ko kay Ced. It won't do me any harm to tell him at this point. And we're . . . friends.

Ced looks amused. I hop out of the car and tell him one more thing before closing the door, "Yung nasa left? Ex ko."

Narinig ko siyang nag­-dramatic what before I can actually push the door close, pero hindi ko na 'yun nasagot. Naglalakad na ako palayo pero binusinahan niya pa talaga ako. Ced sticks his head out the open window and I only narrow my eyes at him to tell him to go away. Mukhang dismayado pa siya bago umalis. Ang tsismoso.

When I get to the table where Chio and Jass are—doon talaga ako pumwesto because taking another table would make it more awkward—parehas silang nakatingin sa 'kin, probably after hearing yung sunod-sunod na pagbusina ni Ced. Jass greets me with a smile, glances at Chio momentarily, before going back to his phone. Chio follows Ced's car with his eyes before looking back at me. Dinampot ni Chio ang bottled water sa tapat niya at uminom doon para baliin ang eye contact namin.

"Sarado yung room?" I ask because it's too quiet.

Hindi sumagot si Chio. Napatingin na naman sa kaniya si Jass bago ako sagutin, "Sarado pa."

Tahimik na ulit kami pagkatapos n'un. Tahimik ba naman kasi yung pinakamadaldal sa 'ming tatlo na di ko alam kung inaantok lang o wala sa mood, malamang walang pagkukuhaan ng ingay.

"Bukas na raw yung room," says Jass after a few moments. He stands up, and I do not know if it's just me or parang nagmamadali talaga siya. He walks ahead in noticeably big strides, tapos ay nang mahagip na siya ng bubong ng building ay nag-half run na siya. I check the time on my wrist watch. Hindi pa naman kami male-late, bakit nagmamadali? And there's only a few flight of stairs na kailangang akyatin.

Napalingon ako kay Chio nang marinig ko siyang huminga nang malalim. He closes the distance between us and walks with me closely. "Sino 'yun?" halos pabulong niyang tanong.

"Ced. Kaklase ko," sagot ko. Both his eyebrows raise but he doesn't say more. It's hard to ignore the curiosity on his face because he's not hiding it. "He got sick and asked me if I can bring him food. Dinala ko lang, then hinatid na niya ako."

"Paano papunta mo? Nag-commute ka?"

"Taxi."

"Ah . . ." he replies, nodding. Now I can't read his face. He's not curious. He's not mad. But he doesn't look indifferent. He pulls his headband off his head, brushes his hair off his face with his fingers, then puts it back on. Napakamot siya sa sentido pagkatapos. Then he starts pulling on the upper buttons of his polo. Hindi mapakali.

"Are you mad?" tanong ko.

He shakes his head no repeatedly, tapos ay biglang naging kibit-balikat ang mga pag-iling niya. My eyebrows furrow in confusion. His lower lip juts out when our eyes meet, then he crosses his arms over his chest and looks away.

That makes me laugh. "Ano ba talaga?" Humindi na siya kasi umiling na e. Tapos biglang parang hindi na siya sure because he keeps shrugging his shoulders. Saan na naman ba siya magagalit?

At bakit ba parang dumadalas yung pagtatalo namin na wala naman talagang concrete reason? Makikita na lang namin bigla ang mga sarili namin na nagsasagutan na naman.

"He doesn't live that far, and it wasn't much of a hassle. Alam din naman ni Auntie Mel saan ako pupunta," I say as we're taking the stairs. Maybe he's not mad. Maybe he's worried? Hindi ako magaling mag-commute.

What now? Nilingon ko siya nang malapit na kami sa room pero hindi pa rin siya nagsasalita. I thought he's still being sulky pero nakangiti na siya ngayon, and it's not sarcastic. Kumunot ulit ang noo ko. "Ano? Why are you smiling?"

He shakes his head. "Na-miss ko tawa mo, a?" he says. When he pushes the door open from behind me, his other hand goes to touch a small space of my back. It's a very careful, light touch, but I'm certain that it happened because I felt it.

And I take that feeling home with me.

*

"Lapit na ng birthday mo a," Eri says, leaning her head on my arm. Kami lang ang nasa board game café dahil umalis na yung isang pares ng mga mukhang high school students sa kabilang table kanina. And the place is fairly new, kaya siguro hindi pa masyadong tinatao. It is Sab who found the place habang naglalakad daw sila pauwi ni Eri once.

Pang-apat na si Eri sa nagre-remind sa 'kin n'un. Ang una ay si Mommy, si Auntie Mel, then si Tito Luis na nag-message sa 'kin kung anong gusto kong gift dahil hindi siya makakalipad dito pauwi.

"Yeah," I reply. I honestly have no plans.

Parang kaparehas lang naman ng ibang araw ang birthday ko para sa 'kin. I'll just give myself a pat on the back for somehow surviving the previous twelve months then go on with my day. Bakit pa ako maghahanda? Kumakain naman kaming lahat araw-araw. Puwede namang magluto ng spaghetti or pansit or whatever any day.

"Sa'n mo gusto tayong kuma—hey!!!" My hands instinctively go to cover my ears dahil sa tili ni Eri. She says an apology doon sa nag-iisang staff na muntik na yatang mahulog ang phone niya sa gulat. Eri slams the cards she's holding on the table and hits Jass on the arm hard. "Panalo ako!" She hits Jass' poor arm again. Kanina pa kasi siya kinakantiyawan ni Jass na matatalo. "In your face!"

Actually, hindi ko talaga gets yung laro. I'm just throwing cards and then they would all tell me kung hindi puwede yung binababa kong card. Kanina pa nga nagre-react nang masama si Eri sa nilalapag ni Jass na cards for her, pero di ko naman nage-gets why.

Four players lang ang puwede, and I told them I can sit this one out dahil yung drinks naman talaga ang habol ko at ang company, but they insist that I play. Si Chio na nasa tabi ko, nakaupo sa dulo ng table, ang di nila sinali dahil madaya raw.

Madaya raw, but I'm doubting that reason kasi ang pustahan ay kung sino ang matalo, 'yun ang magbabayad sa nachos na in-order na hindi pa rin namin ubos. Baka ayaw lang nilang pasalihin si Chio dahil baka di sumunod sa usapan kapag bayaran na.

So he's just guiding me through the game. Nakahalumbaba siya sa tabi ko at sinisilip ang cards na hawak ko, then he'll point at which to put down.

Earlier, he grabs my whole hand, the one holding the cards and turns it to face him. At first akala ko I'm just imagining na he's brushing his thumb on my palm whenever he grabs my hand, pero nang makatatlong ulit 'yun ay nasiguro kong sinasadya niya na. I switch my cards to my other hand and give me a light punch on the knee under the low table after the third time. I hear him snicker which proves me right.

Tapos he makes wanting to see my cards as an excuse para maituon niya ang palad niya sa kabilang gilid ko. We're sitting on floor cushions, and he has his legs stretched out on the floor sa side niya kaya mukhang nakatukod lang ang palad niya sa isang gilid ko for support. I'm just pretending na hindi ako kinakalabit ng thumb niya ang gilid ng hita ko kanina pa.

At kapag gumagaya siya kay Eri whenever she leans her head on my shoulders? Definitely not something our friends would be suspicious of. Bakit pagsususpetyahan, di ba? Chio and I are friends. Wala namang malisya 'yun. No one would bat an eye if Jass has his arm around Eri, or if Sab is sleeping on Chio's shoulders, kaya why would this be different? And besides, it's not like the others know that his lips are pressing against my clothed skin whenever he buries his nose on my shoulder. Imposible because he's so swift about it.

"Palda mo," halos sabay na sabi nina Jass at Chio kay Eri na katatayo lang para pumunta ng CR. She makes a face and calls Jass a loser—very mature—as she pulls her skirt down and goes out of the café dahil nasa dulo ng hall nga ang CR.

We continue the game. Chio keeps on pulling the cards for me and tries to explain it to me every time pero wala akong nage-gets because he's freaking whispering dahil matatalo daw ako kapag narinig daw ni Jass or ni Sab what cards I have. And he just has to be thisclose and make my brain hurt by trying to figure out how to stop myself from turning my head to look at him dahil putang ina feeling ko nilalambingan niya yung boses niya on purpose para ma-distract ako. I sigh and smack his face with the fan of cards I'm holding pagkatapos ng explanation niyang, once again, hindi ko naintindihan. He complains but then chuckles eventually. This guy. He knows what he's doing.

Kababalik lang ni Eri sa CR when Sab clears her card next. Sab flashes Jass both her middle fingers na tinawanan lang n'ung isa. "Gago ka, ano ka ngayon?" pagyayabang niya. Napailing na lang ako sa string of profanities that followed. Nawawalan na nang dating sa 'kin ang mga curse words dahil kay Sab.

"Ju, 'tang ina pabagsakin mo 'yan." I don't even know why they're all wanting Jass to lose. I still have a few cards on my hand and no idea how to play. Pero okay lang naman sa 'kin kung ako na ang magbayad ng nachos.

Chio grabs the cards from me para raw mabilis. Hindi ko alam how but he eventually clears his cards first kaya naghiyawan sila. They all then proceeded to smacking Jass in the head kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Part ba ng deal 'yun kanina na di ko narinig? Kaya ba ayaw nilang ako ang matalo kasi hindi nila 'yun magagawa sa 'kin?

They're loud, that's for sure, but not too loud na maririnig na siguro kami sa labas ng glass doors. Wala namang taong iba sa loob so I guess that's okay. I watch them bully Jass into paying for our whole bill kahit na yung nachos lang ang usapan. I am going to take my wallet out of my bag to at least pay for my own drink dahil kawawa naman si Jastin pero pinitpit ni Eri ang kamay ko at sinabing hayaang si Jass ang magbayad ng lahat. Pang-date daw sa 'min dahil lagi na lang si Gracey ang ka-date.

I have no idea what just happened. Ang alam ko lang, they're loud and they're happy and they're having fun and I am here. And that I like being here and soaking up in all their noise and the jokes I don't get and the comfort of being here.

I wonder how my birthday would look like next year.

Napagod din sila eventually. Nauna si Jass na mag-ayang umuwi dahil baka maisipan pa raw na kumain ulit ni Sab at wala na siyang ipambabayad. "Ju, ikaw? Sabay ka na," aya niya habang nagpapagpag ng pants.

I shake my head no. Isasabay niya na sina Sab at Eri para mas safe yung dalawa. "It's okay. May pupuntahan pa naman ako." Wala, actually. But I don't feel like going home, yet. Today's a good day. Once I get home, parang patapos na talaga 'tong araw dahil kakain at tutulog na lang ako.

Sabay-sabay kamin bumaba. Sumama lang ako sa parking to watch them go. Hindi sumakay si Chio sa sasakyan so I don't know if salungat yung way, or nagpaiwan lang talaga siya para samahan ako. He nudges me lightly once Jass' car is out of our vision.

"Ano?"

I look at him. The sunlight makes his eyes a more orangey shade of brown. "What?"

"Para kang ano diyan . . ." he trails. There's a concerned look on his face na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling. He pulls me to the side at sinabayan ko lang siya sa paglalakad. We stop in what seems like a waiting shed beside a big tree. It's not occupied unlike yung nasa mas malapit sa main road.

"Parang?" I ask before sitting.

"Alam mo yung ano, yung bumbilya." My eyebrows meet in confusion. He sits beside me as if the waiting shed is packed—leaving little to no space between us. "Tapos kumurap. Tapos di na lumiwanag ulit, slight na lang? Parang mapupundi na."

Lalo lang kumunot ang noo ko. Ako ba yung lightbulb? What does he mean by that? "I'm just tired." It's fun, but kahit wala akong ginawa kundi umupo, feeling ko nade-drain ng ingay nila minsan yung energy ko. But not in a bad way.

"Di ka pa talaga uuwi?"

I shake my head no. "Uuwi ka na ba?"

He smiles at me gently before shaking his head no, too. He tousles the top of my hair before shifting his gaze to the building in front of us.

I wonder how he would react if I tell him now about me leaving. Maiinis kaya 'to? Sina Eri? May iiyak ba? God, please no. I hate tears. Ang emotional masyado. It's not like I'm dying.

Matagal-tagal pa naman kung tutuusin, but maybe I'll stop attending school after I finish next semester para mag-ayos na ng papers, and that's by the end of this year or early next year.

I look at Chio and find him with his eyes closed. May parte pa rin ng mukha niyang hagip ng sinag ng araw. I carefully reached for his hairband and pull it off his head, which makes his growing wavy hair fall to frame his face. He looks at me.

And I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's because a lot can happen in a year, and a lot can also end . . . but leaving would at least give me a clean slate if I fuck things over and that gives me room to make mistakes.

Or maybe it's because I'm not used to having someone look at me this tenderly and it somehow messes up with my brain so I end up asking him, "Can I kiss you?"

He just blinks at me slowly. There are no violent reactions. Instead, he calmly asks as if all I'm asking from him is a piece of candy he's always been willing to share, "Bakit?"

"I don't know."

Wala talaga akong sagot doon. I just want to. I really don't know why.

He nods in a heartbeat. Both his hands hold my cheeks as he tilts his head and comes closer.

"Next time, kahit wag ka nang magtanong," he whispers before sealing my good day with a kiss.