031223 #BYLAMwp Chapter 12

"Hi."

I lift my head up from my computation. I smile back at Ced. "Hi."

"Are you sure gusto mo 'ko rito?" he asks, chuckling at the end of his question after eyeing the coffee table na pinuno ko na ng gamit ko. I murmur an apology before collecting all of my scratch papers, books, and my huge binder to one side.

Medyo natagalan siya but that's expected because of the traffic in his area, and he had an ongoing class noong in-invite ko siyang samahan akong kumain (Or mag-coffee? I'm not really hungry) sa shop malapit sa campus. Siya yung pupunta sa 'kin, and I made no effort dahil alam kong out-of-nowhere din yung invitation ko at sobrang biglaan, so the least I can do for him is wait patiently.

And ilibre siya ng coffee. "Ano'ng gusto mo?" I ask, grabbing my wallet from my handbag. He shakes his head immediately and reaches for his wallet. I take the hint na wala siyang balak pagbayarin ako so I just stand up and head to the line. Napilitan siyang sumunod, laughing.

"Ako na nga," pagpupumilit niya.

"No," sagot ko.

Wala masyadong tao dahil class hours, and the only reason I'm here is because nagka-free cut kami and I cannot stay in the room or with my friends dahil kasama roon si Chio.

After having lunch with me in complete silence (pagkatapos ng paandar niyang pag-alis ng sauce sa labi ko), hindi na niya ako tinigilang . . . I don't know . . . inisin . . . ? He comes to class with his hair neat, pero naghe-headband pa rin siya in the middle of the day because he refuses to cut his waves kahit hindi na yata siya sanay na nadidikitan ng buhok niya ang bandang mata niya. At inaasar niya talaga ako by looking me in the eye all the damn time.

He somehow convinces the other guy sitting beside me to sit somewhere else, then he asks me the most basic questions na hindi naman ako obligadong sagutin during lectures. And when I don't answer, he always moves close, makes sure our shoulders, elbows, sometimes even our fucking hands touch, hanggang sa mapasagot niya ako. At pinakanakakairita ay yung tatawagin niya akong friend, all the time—as in ALL THE TIME.

"Okay, thanks, friend," sabi niya once during a major class. Sometimes it's "Friend, uuwi ka na?", "Kain na tayo, friend", and "Puwede kang ihatid, friend?", but the most annoying among it all ay yung tatawagin niya akong friend tapos kapag nilingon ko siya, sasabihin niya, "Wala lang, tawag lang, friend."

Wala naman akong problema sa tawagang friend, pero kapag sa kaniya galing, alam kong ang sarka-sarcastic because he makes this particular face that makes my blood boil. Every time tuloy na I'll read the word friend or kapag may na-overhear akong ganun ang tawagan, napapapikit ako sa inis.

I'm convinced na sinasadya ni Chio na buwisitin ako but I don't get bakit sa ganung paraan and tungkol pa roon. Kada sasabihin niya yung friend, of course it comes with inappropriate flashbacks! E akala ko ba kalilimutan na namin? Akala ko ba agree siya? Bakit kailangang ungkatin nang ungkatin? Mukha namang ayaw na ayaw na rin siya roon sa salita pero panay naman ang tawag niya sa 'kin ng ganun.

"Juli?"

I heave a deep sigh. May naka-input nang order doon sa cashier monitor, and I'm guessing that's Ced's kasi kanino pa ba? Paano ba naman kasi, merong nakalagay na Best FRIENDS Treat doon sa may estante nila na parang pair promo. Fucking hell.

"Pakidalawa na lang po," I tell the staff. I'm not very particular with these drinks.

I don't let Ced pay, of course. He just looks at me with a smile after I hand over my money to the cashier, shaking his head as he returns his cash back to his wallet. He waits for our drinks at bumalik na ako sa table namin to pack up my things. May class na rin naman ako mamaya.

"So . . ." He places my drink in front of me when he comes back. "Why did you want to . . . hang out?" nangangapang tanong niya. He leans over and picks up my legal pad na huli kong ilalagay sa bag. Pinasadahan lang niya ng tingin yung magulong mga numbers doon bago 'yun ibalik sa 'kin.

"I have a question."

He arches a brow. "Hindi puwedeng through IG?"

"Are you busy? Sabi ko naman you can say no if you're busy."

He laughs for some reason. "No, it's fine. Ang ano lang. Weird . . .?"

"Why?" tanong ko. I take a sip from my drink and discreetly check the time on my phone. I have a little more than an hour bago yung next lecture. But that's enough. Ewan ko lang kay Ced, though . . . . He did come all the way here kahit na may next class pa siya.

"You don't . . ." He pauses for a long while, as if he's ransacking his brain for, probably, a term that would not offend me.

I'm guessing sasabihin niyang I don't look like someone who hangs out for no particular reason. I don't take offense naman doon because there's some truth in that. I asked him to come meet me kasi I only need something, and I don't really feel bad about that. Why would I? Masama ba 'yun? Kailangan ko pa bang i-hide under the guise of I just want to see him bago ako mag-ask ng favor?

I don't see myself asking for him to hang out with me kung wala akong kailangan. At least, not yet. Pero if he invites me and I'm free, I'll say yes. Kung may kailangan siya from me and I can give, I'll say yes. Madali naman akong kausap.

He takes in a sharp breath. "You don't seem like you want to talk to me anymore," natatawa niyang sabi.

My forehead creases. Dahil ba 'yun sa hindi ko na siya nare-reply-an? I think our last conversation ended with him saying you're welcome. Ano namang ire-reply ko roon? "Bakit naman? We're classmates."

He nods, wiping his palms on the fabric of his black jeans. "Okay." He smiles. "So . . . ?"

"I just have to ask you something nga."

"Shoot."

I open my mouth to speak, but then no words come out dahil . . . where the hell do I even start?

Ito yung downside for getting myself entangled the way I should not have been to a person that is way too close to me. I don't have many friends, and I know I value all of them, but I always somehow find a way to fuck it up.

Una, kay Jass. The break-up is definitely not my fault pero I should have paused and thought for a while kung okay ba yung ginagawa namin noong kami pa. Alam ko namang option yung mag-break, but god, I didn't think how it would affect me and my friends. I have never had a boyfriend before, but I know how break-ups work, at I overestimated myself kasi akala ko madali lang. As someone who normally does not dwell on things that are already done, akala ko talaga kaya ko. Tapos hindi pala.

Then, itong kay Chio. I wonder what's next.

"Juli?"

"Ano'ng gagawin mo if—" If what? Paano ko ba sasabihin 'to?

"If what?" he asks the same question out loud.

I sigh. I don't remember really talking to anyone about Jass, kaya hindi ko alam kung paano ba magtanong about things like . . . this. I used to just be fine trying to understand it by myself. At wala naman din talagang problema sa pag-intindi dati.

I take a long sip of my drink. "Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't have?" I try my best not to, but I wince internally. Eurgh.

Ced's eyebrows meet, then he just stares at me for a good minute na parang hindi siya makapaniwala sa narinig niya. I know, Ced. I know. "What?"

"I'm not repeating that question," I say, shaking my head. He still has this look on his face na parang hindi niya sigurado kung dapat ba niyang sagutin yung tanong ko. He's staring at me like he's trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and again, I get him.

"Anong 'shouldn't have'?" He takes a sip of his drink. "Like it's . . . illegal?"

"Not really," sagot ko. "It just feels like it."

"May madadamay bang ibang tao as a consequence?"

"What do you mean?"

He shrugs. "Because I don't plan on kissing anyone's girlfriend."

"Not like that," agap ko. "I mean . . . . basta you just . . . shouldn't."

"Kasi . . .?"

"It's just not right."

Ced scrunches his nose, then looks at me with amusement. He chuckles. "I need more context, pero parang no? No, I haven't."

"So you wouldn't know what to say . . ."

"Sa?" He lifts his brows. "Why? Sa 'yo?"

I scoff and lean back on my seat. Ako yata ang tinatawanan niya. Ayaw ko 'tong ungkatin because the feelings salad comes back. Not necessarily the whole flashback but yung hiya, yung katangahan, yung realization . . . . God.

"You're interesting."

"No. I'm just miserable." And dumb. Sa dami ng pagkakataong magiging bobo ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit dito pang ang basic-basic. Bawal nga e. Off limits. Bakit susunggab?

He laughs again. "Sino ba 'yan? Kakilala mo lang? Someone you talk to . . .?"

"On a regular basis," I answer without taking my eyes off the light fixtures above our table.

"Ah, gets," sabi niya kaya bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "Friend?"

I don't answer, but the groan I let out confirms his guess. I rest my elbows on my knees and cover my whole face with both my palms. Nakakatanga naman talaga 'to e.

"Awkward na ba?" tanong niya. I frown, taking my hands off my face. Awkward ba? Not really. But Chio's . . . different now. Mas nakakabuwisit. Ewan ko kung galit ba siya sa 'kin so he keeps bringing up that friend thing or what.

"No," sagot ko. Awkward is not the word for it. "But he's being weird."

"Weird how?"

I tell Ced about Chio without mentioning the latter's name. I have no one to talk to about this na sigurado akong hindi mahahagip ni Chio. It would be awkward to talk about it with Jass, at hindi ko rin kasi alam if Chio's telling him anything about what happened. Hindi ko alam kung puwede kong sabihin kina Eri or Sab. Not because I don't trust them, because I do. It's just that . . . Chio's too close to the both of them. Ayaw ko ring pansinin nila, intentionally or not, ang bawat kilos namin. That's just going to shift the atmosphere na kaaayos nga lang after Jass and I broke up.

'Yan kasi. Same friend group pa. Hindi na nadalâ.

"And you don't like this person?" tanong ni Ced.

"He's a friend," I say.

"Pero gusto mo nga siya?"

"He's a friend," I reiterate.

He merely smiles. He stays quiet for a few moments. "So ano'ng gusto mong mangyari?"

"I . . ." I sigh. "Sabi ko nga di ba? Kalimutan na. So tigilan na niya yung kakatawag niya ng friend sa 'kin," sagot ko. "And also yung ano nga . . ."

"Yung?" I have no idea why Ced is grinning. Baka ine-enjoy niya 'tong problema ko.

"Yung ginagawa niya," sagot ko. "I don't know. I just want him to be normal."

"E akala ko ba ginagawa niya rin naman dati yung paghatid sa 'yo? Pagsamang kumain? Kahit before the incident."

"Yeah, but . . ."

"But?"

I click my tongue. He laughs. "Kailangan niyang tigilan 'yun. Basta." Kasi it feels weird. It's different now. Before naman I am not bothered, pero ngayon naiimbyerna ako dahil ang weird-weird talaga. I don't even have the appropriate word to capture the feelings and atmosphere except sa weird. Nakakainis.

Lalo lang lumakas ang tawa niya. "I thought sabi mo kalimutan na niya?"

"Kaya nga."

"Baka kinalimutan na niya, and that's just him being normal."

"He's not normal," giit ko. Downside lang yata ng pagkuwento sa hindi kilala si Chio ay mahihirapan akong ilapit sa kaniya kung paano si Chio normally. Ced has to see it to fully understand.

"He is normal, sa mga sinasabi mo," pagpupumilit niya. "Baka mata mo yung may mali."

"What?"

Imbes na sagutin ako ay tumawa lang ulit siya. He shuts up and lets me soak up in my dilemma hanggang sa maubos ang free time ko. Sabay na kaming lumabas. I bring my drink with me dahil di ko na nainom kanina mula noong kinuwento ko kay Ced ang nangyari with Chio from the start. Ang dami niya kasing comments—na hiningi ko naman, yes, but feeling ko kino-corner niya ako lagi and of course I had to defend myself.

"Thank you for your time," sabi ko paglabas namin. Maaraw pa rin.

"I can drive you back," aniya.

I look him straight in the eye. "Hey, I'm still not interested."

He only laughs before pulling the shotgun door open. "Oh, I know, I know . . ."

"Hindi talaga," paglilinaw ko. I don't want to mess this up with Ced, and I'm certain I'm not going to. Jesus. Hirap pala talaga ng walang friends.

"Alam ko nga, don't worry," he says. "Basta alam ko."

I have no idea what he's talking about. Ipinasok niya sa grounds yung kotse niya kaya hindi na ako nahirapang maglakad sa initan. I thank him again before getting out of the car and rushing inside the building dahil sa 3rd floor pa yung room namin.

When I pull the door open, I'm surprised to see the classroom empty. Bukod na lang sa chair ni Chio dahil nakasubsob siya sa arm tablet niya. What is he doing here alone? At saan naman pumunta yung iba? Kahit sina Eri at Sab, wala. I check the time at hindi pa naman ako late.

I sigh. Maingat kong sinarado ang pinto, but that's enough to wake Chio up so baka hindi siya tulog na tulog talaga. He glances over his shoulders and I freeze for a second when our gazes meet.

"Saan ka galing?" tanong niya pagkaalis ng tingin sa 'kin. He zips his bag, slings it over his shoulders, then stand up. Nilingon niya ulit ako.

"Just outside," I answer, showing him my coffee. He nods.

It's quiet.

"Gusto mo ba?" tanong ko. Sabi ni Ced, kung ako ang nagsabing kalimutan, dapat mag-participate din ako. If I don't do it, lalo ko lang binibigyan si Chio ng chances at opening to bring it up.

He nods, then walks towards me to grab my drink. Binuksan niya ang pinto behind me. "Auditorium sila pumunta, doon sa bagong building. May iko-combine na class. 'Yung katabi yata."

Sumunod ako sa kaniya palabas. We're walking side by side, and I notice that the distance between us is bigger than it normally is. But this will do. For now.

"Hindi ba mainit?" tanong niya after the long, silent walk papunta sa hagdanan. "Naglakad ka?"

I clear my throat. Naglakad ako with someone na katsismisan ko kanina tungkol sa kaniya. "A friend drove me back. But palabas, yes, mainit."

"Ah . . ."

Wala na ulit ingay. Just the sound of him sipping on my drink. He doesn't ask who's the friend I'm talking about. No mocking me with the word either.

Nangahas akong magtanong, "Bakit ka mag-isa?"

Mauubos na niya yung inumin, so he shakes the cup na puro yelo na lang ngayon. I notice every damn sound dahil ang tahimik naming dalawa, and it's so unusual. I'm used to having noise if he's around. "Wala ka e. Baka maghanap ka."

"Thanks." Why did I say that?

"Welcs." At nag-reply naman siya.

Malayo-layo yung sinasabi niyang bagong building. When we arrive, magsisimula na yung lecture. There are only two seats remaining at the second to the last row, sa pagitan ng already occupied seats. Wala kaming choice kundi doon umupo. Pangit ng puwesto dahil natatakluban nang slight ng ulo ng nasa tapat ko ang slides sa harap.

When I lean to the side because I'm trying to see the portions of the paragraph na naka-project but naka-cut off from my vision dahil sa nakaupo sa tapat ko, I hit my head on Chio's arm. He shifts on his seat immediately and I pull to the opposite side.

"Sorry," I whisper.

He clears his throat. Inalis na niya ang siko niyang nakapatong sa arm rest attached to his seat. "Oks lang."

Someone passes by us para siguro mag-CR. When that guy comes back, he accidentally steps on my sandals. Hindi ko siya kilala so I'm guessing he's from the other class.

"Tsk." Nauna pa si Chio sa 'kin na mag-react kaysa sa binulong na sorry n'ung lalaki. I pull my feet out of the way. Hindi naman siguro sinasadya dahil maliit naman kasi talaga yung spaces in between built-in rows of chairs.

I just nod at the guy and tell him to go dahil nahaharangan yung slides. I check my feet when he's out of the way. Okay lang naman ang paa ko. But he's heavy at naramdaman ko 'yun.

"Masakit?" bulong ni Chio sa 'kin.

It's a wrong idea to look at him without thinking na maybe he's too close. I choke on my answer when I feel his breath on my cheeks for a fragment of a second. He immediately moves his head back. Parang napaso siya even if we didn't touch.

"No," I answer, shaking my head.

"Okay," he replies which sounds more like a sigh.

Kasasabi ko lang kay Ced kanina na it's not awkward . . . but now it definitely is.

*

On Wednesday, Gracey and Miss Clipboard (dala niya yung clipboard niya) joins us again for lunch. I don't feel odd anymore. I'm fine with having Gracey around dahil she talks to me sometimes, but I haven't spoken a word to her friend. I'm indifferent having a stranger with me during lunch as long as my friends are around.

Gracey's walking with her, at nasa likuran nila si Jass. That leaves me in the back with Chio who has been awfully quiet since that awkward lecture na tabi kami. Hindi ko alam if gusto ko yung ganito siya katahimik, or yung nambubuwisit siya about the friend thing.

I think I like neither. Ang gusto ko, kalimutan ang nangyari at bumalik kami sa dati, but maybe that's just too much of an unrealistic goal. And I have to remind myself again na kasalanan ko talaga 'yun. That's just how life works. Do something stupid, suffer stupid consequences.

We get a table for eight. Napagitnaan ako nina Eri at Chio na hindi ko in-expect dahil akala ko sa kabilang dulo siya ng table uupo dahil ang awkward talaga namin.

Hindi ko nakontrol ang slight na pagtalon ng balikat ko when Chio leans over to whisper. Mukhang nagulat din siya sa pagkagulat ko so he pulls back a bit, giving me some distance, before leaning again—slowly, this time. More careful. Hindi ko alam if I just imagined it or he whispered a low sorry. "Ano'ng kakainin mo?"

"Whatever you're having," sagot ko dahil wala naman akong kine-crave kainin ngayon. He nods, standing up. Kinukuha ko pa lang ang wallet ko sa bag ko but he's already walking towards the lines. Iniwan ko tuloy si Eri sa table with Miss Clipboard para dalhin kay Chio ang bayad ko.

I tap him lightly on the arm. Binaba niya ang tingin sa 'kin at inabot ko sa kaniya ang bayad ko. He looks me in the eye for a second too long that it flipped the awkwardness switch on. Kinuha niya ang pera sa kamay ko at binalik ang tingin sa harap.

And now I don't know what to do with myself. Should I stay here and wait with him or go back to the table? Tinanaw ko ang table namin and Eri's talking with Miss Clipboard. Saan ba magiging mas awkward? Dito or doon?

I decide to stay beside Chio. Nakailang lingon siya sa 'kin like he's asking what I'm still doing here but he doesn't verbalize it kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin. This is our best bet to going back to normal. If we give in to this . . . feeling . . . that forces us to separate, baka matuluyan nga.

"Ano'ng bibilhin mo?" I ask to start a conversation. He only points to the picture na nasa overhead menu instead of speaking, kaya tahimik na ulit kami after. I just nod, and then we quietly wait for our turn in line.

This is fine. This will do.

My phone vibrates habang nasa pila kami. I get it from the pocket of my jeans and see an Instagram message. Dahil wala naman akong kausap doon, alam ko nang it's from Ced. I unlock my phone and wait for the interface to load.

While waiting, umangat saglit ang tingin ko kay Chio only to find him looking at me, or my phone. He quickly averts his gaze and folds his arm and face the opposite way like he's checking the other stalls.

I sigh. Bakit ba pa-awkward nang pa-awkward? We need good progress here, Chio.

Ced's message finally loads, Youre having lunch?

Yes.

With your friend? 😱

My forehead creases. Nakuwentuhan ko lang siya nang isang beses, naging tsismoso na agad. Shut up.

He only laughs at my message. Hindi ko na 'yun ni-replyan dahil hindi naman nagre-require ng response.

Mabilis na lang kami ni Chio sa stall when it is our turn. He carries the tray and I just follow him from behind back to our table. Kami na lang pala ang hinihintay. Chio places our plates and glasses on the table. Sinitsitan niya si Jass para kuhain ang tray at ilagay roon sa katabi niyang upuang walang laman.

I observe my glass of iced tea. Tapos yung ay Chio. Crush yata talaga siya n'ung tindera. Why does he always get the one with less ice?

"Ang daming yelo," sabi ni Miss Clipboard. I look at her because I agree kahit na iba yung drink niya. Lemonade yata. "Umiinom ka nito?" she asks Chio. I think I see Chio nod from the side of my eye.

"Palit tayo," Miss Clipbaord says, grabbing Chio's iced tea na wala masyadong yelo at pinalit doon sa kaniya. I pause on wiping my utensils.

I do not know why but my eyes automatically go to Chio. Turns out he also pauses and decides it's a good idea to glance my way kaya nagkatinginan kami. Ako ang naunang umiwas at sinimulan ang pagkain.

I take a sip of my iced tea na 90% ice yata at 10% tea. Doesn't taste nice.

*

"What is wrong with you?" pabulong pero mariin kong tanong kay Chio habang pabalik kami sa mga upuan namin. Because of the noise in the room from the people talking, hindi agaw-pansin ang pabalagbag kong pag-upo sa chair ko.

Kanina pa nasa isip ko ang tanong na 'yun. What the fuck is wrong with him? I don't have my car today kaya hindi ako ang naunang dumating sa room. I think it was Jass, but he left din agad to go to Gracey kasi marami pang time before the first class kasi bag lang niya ang nakita. Ang naabutan ko lang talaga is si Chio dahil muntik nang ma-late sina Sab at Eri na sabay pumapasok.

He looks different today! His collared shirt has no visible creases. He has no sandwich crumbs near his lips or his chin. He's wearing his best jeans today that fit him nicely. Clean shoes. He looks clean. Pati yung polluted na hangin na sinabak niya on his way here, pinapaboran siya because the waves of his hair frames his face perfectly today. Magandang ang pagkakatuyo. Maayos ang bagsak. Even when he grabs his wavy metal headband from his bag at puts it on, his hair still looks nice.

Actually, I think he even looks better with it on! I want to grab it from his head and snap it into two because, what the fuck, he actually looks attractive! I didn't even know that was possible!

"O bakit? Ikaw unang nagtanong kay Engineer a?" he asks nonchalantly, obviously trying to push my buttons for whatever reason. Nabawasan ako ng one point dahil minalian ko yung isa niyang item. Inilaban niya sa 'kin and I didn't agree to give him the point pero ang kulit niya kaya sinabi ko kay Engineer, then turns out he gets the point. (Pati si Sir, nag-a-agree sa kaniya. He's so lucky today.) Then Chio just decides that it's a good idea to hand over my paper kay Sir to—sabi niya—double fucking check. Nabawasan pa ako ng one point! Sayang yung perfect score kanina!

"Ewan ko sa 'yo." I keep my gaze straight in front dahil ayaw ko na siyang tingnan.

"Bakit ganiyan suot mo?" tanong niya pagkatapos naming parehas na tahimik lang. Kami lang yatang dalawa ang tahimik sa classroom. Everyone's frustrated with all their computational mistakes and trying to make sense of the numbers flashed on the projector screen.

"Anong suot?" I ask. The crease on my forehead remains as I throw him a glance. I am so stressed just by looking at him; nakakabuwisit.

"'Yan," sabi niya which doesn't make sense kasi naka-V neck lang naman akong itim na shirt at pantalon. I didn't even wash my hair this morning.

"O? Ano'ng problema dito?" tanong ko at nilingon siya. Tuwid na tuwid ang pagkakaupo niya. Mata lang niya ang gumalaw para tingnan ako.

I scoff. "Ikaw ang anong itsura 'yan," mariin kong pagbalik. His forehead creases in what seems like genuine confusion.

"Ano? Ano'ng itsura?" he asks. He removed his headband and then put it back on and I don't know what the hell changed but he somehow looked a tiny bit better. The hell.

I don't answer him. Inuubos na lang naman ang oras before our morning dismissal kaya makakalayo ako nang kaunti sa kaniya maya-maya lang.

And when we're finally dismissed, parang nasagot ang tanong ko. Gracey and I's gaze meet habang nasa labas siya, and she waves a little to which I respond with a small smile while gathering my things.

Her friend's with her. Again.

Kaya naman pala ayos na ayos 'tong isa. Pumoporma.

"What are you looking at?" tanong ko kay Chio nanag mahuli siyang nakatingin sa 'kin, sukbit ang backpack na idinadantay niya nang slight sa arm tablet ng upuan sa likuran niya. He glances at the door before hesitantly, or so it seems, shaking his head.

He walks behind me on our way to the canteen. We end up sitting beside each other again, tapos sabay ulit kaming pumila without speaking a word to each other. Nang kami na ang nasa harap ng pila, magkabukod naming sinabi ang orders namin pati na ang payment.

I get my vibrating phone out of my pocket while waiting for the food. Ced has a message. Mantsitsimis na naman kung ano na ang nangyayari sa 'min ng friend ko.

"Ay, ate, pabawasan naman ng yelo parehas pala," sabi ni friend kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. He's smiling at the tindera and I'm not sure kung he's just being himself or if he's trying to charm his way through his request.

He shifts his gaze to me and his smile doesn't vanish. I don't know if it's my blank face or his own realization na bad trip ako sa kaniya kaya biglang nag-falter yung ngiti niya at eventually nawala. He clears his throat. Then, I hear him sigh.

I don't take my eyes off him. He ends up glancing at me again, then down to my phone, and then to the opposite direction. Pagbaba ko ng tingin sa phone ko ay may reply pala ulit si Ced.

I sigh. Chio and I are not going back to normal, are we?

*

Don't get me wrong; Chio and I still talk. Pero hindi na kagaya n'ung dati na sometimes he won't stop talking when we're together from one point of the campus to the next. And when he gets tired of talking or of annoying the shit out of me, komportable yung tahimik. No one jumps at the mere touch of each other's shoulders, arms, nor fingers. No one gets nervous at the mere split-second of a glance. Pero hindi na talaga ganun. If only I had reset button, I would have—

I would have . . .

Would I have pressed it if I had a reset button?

"Kung ano na lang yung akin?" Chio suddenly asks. I blink a couple of times to shake my thoughts away and look at him. I try to hold his gaze, and I think he does his best to do that, too, but we end up looking away from each other nang wala pa yatang dalawang segundo.

"Yes," sagot ko. I think he's pertaining to the drink he's ordering dahil sa hawak niyang menu.

After class, we went to this board game café less than half an hour away from campus. Jass is already holding the box of Jenga. If there's one thing he's good at, bukod sa pagiging gago sa 'kin last year, sa Jenga na 'yun.

The table we have is only for four. Si Sab ang katabi ko sa kanan, si Eri ang katapat, at si Chio (unfortunately) na nasa dulo ng table at nakaupo sa hinilang upuan.

Jass is sitting beside Eri and in front of Sab. I think he's still trying to make sure to put a distance between us. And that's okay. That's actually the right thing to do. I know Gracey and I are okay but . . . it's just a way of keeping things respectful sa akin at kay Gracey. At least things are getting better.

When it comes to Chio, though . . . hay.

"Okay lang bang i-invite si Gracey?" Jass asks after swiftly pulling out a wooden block without effort. Nahampas tuloy siya ni Sab ng box nung Jenga dahil parang ang yabang ng dating niya. Jass has very stable hands.

"Okay lang," sagot ko dahil walang nagsasalita sa kanila. Not even Eri na alam kong magsasabi agad ng oo sa pag-invite ng more people, kahit na hindi niya kilala.

It's not like we're awfully quiet. Naglalaro pa rin naman sila (or kami), but no one's acknowledging the question. It takes me a moment to figure out that maybe, just maybe, they want me to answer it. Although I doubt kung para sa 'kin directly sa 'kin yung tanong ni Jass. But for these three remaining eggs, maybe they're handing the question over to me.

"Sama na rin niya si Leigh," Eri chirps.

I don't want it to, but my hand automatically pauses from pulling the wooden block na kanina ko pa binabantayang hugutin. I hear Chio clear his throat. I take a breath first before pulling the block out and stacking it on top.

"Magsi-CR lang ako," paalam ko after. Sab merely nods, too focused dahil turn na niya.

I pull my chair back. I take my bag with me outside. Sa dulo ng hall yung CR. I need to breathe, wash my hands na biglang namawis, and maybe fix myself up dahil kaninang umaga pa yata ako huling nagsuklay.

Walang tao sa CR when I come in. I pull the cover down and sit on the toilet, then spend maybe a good minute or two just staring at the wall. I'm . . .

I'm annoyed.

And I don't know why. It's not like they're forcing me to be friends with—with Gracey's friend. I'm fine having her around but . . . kasi bakit hindi, di ba . . . ? But I just—I .  . . I don't want her around all the time. It's weird.

She's like a foreign entity entering my very closed perimeters and I don't like that she's taking up space in my . . . in my feelings box kasi she's making my palms sweat and making me almost lose on Jenga and making me annoyed-but-not-really and making me worried if I look decent because that girl always looks like hindi man lang siya pinagpapawisan or nagugulo yung buhok niya.

God.

It's that, and I just don't like people I do not know. I don't want them around me. Because they know how to throw me off balance if not to hurt me. Because I do not know what makes them happy. I do not know what makes them mad. I do not know how to tell them sorry. I do not know when they need anything—what they need if they do. I cannot figure them out. And I do not like it if I cannot figure things, or people, out.

Not understanding them means I won't know how to keep them if I want to keep them. I won't know how to deal with them. Nor how to get rid of the incoherent thoughts they feed my brain. Gaya nitong kay Miss Clipboard. It's so stressful.

Paglabas ko ng cubicle, nag-ayos ako ng buhok, tapos ng mukha. I am in the middle of blotting my lipstick when a series of rushing, heavy footsteps come to a halt by the women's restroom's entrance. Kumunot ang noo ko kay Chio na parang hinahabol yata ng multo bago makarating dito. What is he doing here?

My forehead creases when I see him mouth a curse. My eyes widen when he goes inside, picks up my make-up pouch and chunks it in my handbag. Sinukbit niya ang handbag ko sa balikat niya.

"Hey, wait!" Hinigit ko siya sa t-shirt. He stops and leans his back on the closed door ng entrance ng men's restrooms. Problema na naman nito? "Sa'n ka pupunta?" tanong ko. Snatcher na ba siya? Yung bag ko!

"Sa'n ka pupunta?" balik niya ng tanong sa 'kin.

My eyebrows furrow. Anong saan ako pupunta? "Ha?"

He clicks his tongue. Ano na naman ba? "Saan ka nga pupunta?"

"Ano'ng saan ba?!" Ano ba 'to? Hinabol ba talaga 'to ng multo kaya ganito? He seems shaken. "Akin na nga 'yang bag ko!"

He turns it away from me. The fuck is this stupid boy's problem? "Sa'n ka nga pupunta!"

"'Tang ina naman ano'ng saan ba!"

"Bakit ka nag-aayos?"

"What?!" What is he saying? "Akin na nga 'yang bag ko! Nag-aayos ako kasi gusto ko! And what the hell, pakialam mo? Ikaw ba bumili ng lipstick ko, ha—?!"

"Hindi kasi sa ganun!" kakamot-kamot sa ulo niyang kontra na sinabayan pa ng padyak ng paa. This giant five year old! "Kasi naman—! Bakit ang tagal mo? Tatakas ka ba kasi dadating si Leigh? E di ba sinabi ko na nga sa 'yo—"

"Ano?!" He lolls his head back, and as much as his neck seems like it's on a full-time job to seduce me, mas gusto ko siyang suntukin sa Adam's apple ngayon!

I scoff. "Do you want me to leave kasi dadating si Leigh—"

"Wala akong sinabing—!"

"Then why would you even think of—"

"Sabi ko lang naman akala ko aalis ka nga kasi dadating si Leigh!"

"Bakit nga ako aalis?! Unless gusto mong umalis ako—!"

"Hindi nga kasi! Ayoko nga ng ganun! Kailan ko naman sinabi 'yun?!" I purse my lips when he removes his headband out of frustration.

He takes a few deep breaths before, "Ayoko . . ." He sits on his heels, like his knees just lost its strength. He sighs before putting his headband back. "Dito ka lang," I hear him add.

I stay in front of him, standing. I do not know for how long we stayed there in complete silence.

I wait for my heart to stay still before asking, "What the fuck were we arguing about?"

He laughs, gently. He keeps his hands in his pockets when he stands back up. "AJ."

"What?" I ask.

"Hindi ako lasing ngayon."

I swallow a lump in my throat before lifting my gaze up to meet his. "I know."

"Puwede kang halikan?"

What?

Why would he—

Why the fuck would he ask that?

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM???

"I don't—I don't know—"

"Puwede?"

"Di ko nga ala—"

"Bakit mahirap 'yun sagutin? Di ba dapat madali lang?" tanong niya nang di inaalis ang tingin sa mata ko.

"I have no idea." I shake my empty head. Kanina lang nasa pag-snatch siya ng bag, nasa pangunguwestiyon sa lipstick ko, then kay Miss Clipboard . . . how the fuck did we get here? And why are we acting na parang nangungutang lang siya ng pamasahe when he's literally asking for a damn fucking kiss?

May nagki-kiss ba nang ganun na friends? Fucking hell.

"I really don't have an idea."

He purses his lips and gulps before nodding. "Puwedeng i-try? Baka may sagot ka na pagkatapos. 'Pag 'hindi' ang sagot mo e di . . ."

He doesn't finish his sentence. It takes him another moment before he makes a step towards me. Another to get a little more closer. And when his lips land on the top of my head, I—

I melt.

"Sorry," he whispers, resting his head above the spot he kissed. One of his hands mold over to the curve of my waist, and that's going to leave an invisible handprint I will think of for a week straight. "Sorry."

"What are you apologizing for?" tanong ko.

He laughs lightly. "Ewan ko sa 'yo . . ."

"You know . . ."

"Ano?"

"Kapag nahimasmasan ako, you're dead."

He only kisses the top of my head again. Unlike the first time, my heart doesn't come apart. If anything, it gently hugs its pieces together, slowly pulling the gaps close, as if its bracing itself for its doomed fate. We're really not going back to normal, are we?

He gives my waist a light squeeze, then he laughs again. I feel like it's been ages since I heard him laugh the way I remember it. The way that makes me feel at ease.

Wait nga . . . .

What just happened?