030223 #BYLAMwp Chapter 11

No.

No.

Parang naguguluhan pa si Chio nang luwagan ang pagkakahawak sa 'kin. I don't know if it's because he had alcohol, or because of what happened, kaya he's looking at me as if he's in a daze when I pull away and keep a safe distance between his lips and mine. His arm, the one busy holding me in place earlier, drops to his side when I take a step back and push the door open to make my way out.

I don't let go of the knob just yet. Like what I have calculated in my barley functioning mind, Chio reaches for the door from inside his room. I hold onto the knob like I'm holding on for my dear life nang maramdaman kong puwersahan niya yung binubuksan galing sa loob. I try my best to stand my ground at hindi mahila ang weight ko as he tries to pull the door open from his side. Oh, god. My chest hurts.

When he stops pulling, ilang beses siyang kumatok. "AJ." I almost flinch sa lakas ng boses niya, but I'm too nervous to let go of the door and have him corner me. Too scared. "AJ!" My shoulders jump to my ears when he hits the door a couple more times, harder this time.

"Shhh . . ." Di ko alam kung sino'ng pinatatahimik ko—kung yung pag-iingay ba niya dahil baka marinig kami sa baba because it's too quiet here, or my heart na bumalik na naman sa pagliligalig. I wonder why it just won't learn when to fucking stay still.

I take a deep breath, maintaining my firm hold on the door knob despite my shaking fingers. I feel like—fuck, I actually feel like crying because I have no idea what to do next. 'Tang ina, 'yan kasi! Now that my mind is regaining its function after pausing earlier just because it desires a stupid boy's kiss, parang gusto kong basagin ang bungo ko sa pader.

"AJ," mas mahinang tawag ni Chio. He knocks on the door again, softly this time. "Ano?"

"I don't know!" Anong ano?!

There's silence . . . for a while. I don't know for how long. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog na ang may tamang si Chio sa loob ng room, but it turns quiet as I even my breathing out. I sit on my heels, hands not confident enough to leave the knob, because it seems like all the energy I have in my body was sucked out.

A, shit. I should not have used the term! Umaangat na naman tuloy ang heart rate ko!

"AJ . . .?" nangangapang tanong galing sa loob. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tighten my hold on the knob and stand back up. Di ako tumugon.

I don't . . . I don't think I can—! I don't think I can hear my name from him the same way as I did before!

Why did he have to—?! Bakit ba naman kasi kailangang panay ang AJ niya kanina habang—

I slam my forehead on the door. Maybe my absurd recalls numbed my pain receptors down, pero parang wala akong naramdamang kahit ano'ng sakit kahit na lumagutok nang malakas yung kahoy ng pinto ng room ni Chio.

"Huy!" So he's not sleeping. Or nagising ba siya because I hit my head loudly? "Ano 'yun?!"

"Wala," I answer quietly.

He falls silent again.

I wait for a good minute before carefully letting go of the doorknob. I back away from the door slowly. Baka kasi mamaya kapag narinig niya akong nagkukumahog paalis, bigla niyang buksan ang pinto at—

"Huminga ka nga. Baka mamaya nagpipigil ka na naman diyan."

That stops me from walking.

What have I done?

I can't lose that.

I have to force myself to turn the other way, then run down the stairs. I pass by Sab sa kitchen, and I think she asks me something about Chio, but I don't want to hear it so dumeretso lang ako sa back porch.

I stop Jass from downing a shot. Muntik pa 'yung tumapon sa shirt niya. Confused, and rightfully so, he looks at my hand on his wrist and then to my face. "Ano yun?"

"Stop drinking," utos ko. I glance at Eri who's too busy in her own little bubble, dancing to the song playing from the mini speakers, to care about my presence. I turn my eyes back at Jass. "Stop drinking, Jastin. Matulog ka na. Magda-drive ka pa."

"Di mo ako hahatian?" tanong niya. Hindi pa namumula ang mukha niya, which is my personal indicator to tell if he's had enough drinks or not. Pero mas okay na tumigil na siya para hindi ko na 'to dagdag-isipin mamaya.

I shake my head. "I have to go," I say. Dinampot ko ang chips na iniwan ko. I pause the music playing from Eri's phone na nakapatong sa table so I can say bye to her.

"Saan ka pupunta?" tanong niya nang nakasimangot. "Dito ka muna."

"I really have to go." Hindi ko alam kung pakiramdam ba ni Chio ay nandoon pa rin ako sa second floor kaya hindi pa siya bumababa. Or baka alam na niyang wala ako roon but he just chooses not to go out because he thinks I'm still here. Fuck, ewan. "I have . . . an emergency."

"What? Tita? Tita Mel?"

"Sort of," I lie. "Can't explain. Alis na 'ko."

I let Eri kiss both my cheeks since I lied to her. Hinabol ulit ako ni Sab ng tanong nang pumasok ako sa loob at lagpasan ulit siya sa kitchen. I don't even wear my shoes sa pintuan dahil sa pagmamadali. I pick it up, bring it with me inside my car, and drive barefoot hanggang sa makalayo-layo ako nang ilang bahay from Chio's house. I pull over in front of a house na parang walang tao, put my shoes on, then hit my head repeatedly on the steering wheel na I'm sure it's going to leave some kind of mark in my forehead.

I stay there for a while. I can't drive when I keep hearing Chio uttering my name breathlessly, and I keep being reminded of what happened because of the creases by the side of my tank top from his grip. Parang hindi ko na rin yata 'to maisusuot ulit kahit kailan.

When I sit upright to compose myself, dahil baka mapagkamalan akong kung ano rito if I stay too long in front of someone else's house, I look at my reflection in the rearview mirror. The flush in my cheeks only make me sigh. Why do I like putting myself in trouble?

And why . . . why does it seem like a small part of me find no regrets?

*

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Inalis ko ang pagkakatalukbong ng kumot sa mukha ko. I can already hear the faint irritation in my mom's voice, and that's saying a lot because bilang yata sa daliri kung ilang beses akong napagalitan noong bata. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba madali lang talaga akong kausap and she had nothing to worry about me, or hindi lang niya hobby ang magalit.

"Yes po," I answer. I wasn't able to answer her properly earlier because I was just beginning to get some goddamn sleep. I took a long shower when I got home last Saturday, slept the rest of the day and was thankful na walang dumalaw sa 'kin sa panaginip. Kahapon ako hindi nakatulog nang ayos because, god, I am dreading this Monday.

Kung nakaligtas ako temporarily for the remaining of my weekend dahil tahimik silang lahat kahapon, probably because all of them are nursing their hangovers, ngayon, hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Hindi ako nakatulog because I keep thinking of the possible scenarios that can happen when I see him again. And what's fucked about it e sa lahat ng yun ay hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang gagawin. I always somehow end up tongue tied and frozen. There is no way I can talk to him normally. I don't even know if I can look at him!

"Pero hindi ka papasok?"

I sink into the sheets, then nod in shame. Mommy's gaze softened, and I feel worse kasi she's probably thinking na I am going through something that should concern her when hindi naman ganun ang nangyayari. Nag-iinarte lang ang anak niya sa katangahang kusang-loob na pinasok. God.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks. I shake my head no, then grab another pillow to cover my face. She reminds me to eat breakfast and not give Auntie Mel a headache before leaving.

'Tang inang Chio 'to. Hindi nga ako napa-absent ni Jass! I endured a series of examinations while enduring a heartbreak. Tapos ito lang, hindi ako makapasok? Puta.

Dahil literal na wala pa akong katulog-tulog, nakatulog akong yun ang huling inaalala. It's good that my mind seems to have been too stressed out, yet again, to do a replay of what happened while I am asleep.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong nakatitig lang sa kisame pagkagising. Auntie Mel knocked once, and I only tell her I am not in the mood to eat kaya umalis na rin siya. Hindi na niya ako kinatok ulit.

The series of notification sounds from my phone pulls me out of the staring contest I have with the off-white ceiling of my bedroom. Dadamputin ko sana yun from the side of my bed but then my arm and hand pauses mid-air dahil what if  from Chio yung mga notifs na 'yun? What the fuck would I do? There's no way I will be skipping class tomorrow just because of . . . of this. Hay. What aftermath did I expect pa ba from a stupid decision?

Bahala na. I grab my phone, and carefully scrolled through my messages from my lockscreen. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang puro galing kay Sab at Eri lang ang mga 'yun. I just look at them before dropping my phone beside me. It takes me about almost half an hour to finally get my brain working para ma-reply-an sila parehas. Eri's asking why I'm absent, while Sab's asking me to calculate something for her. Talaga naman.

I tell Eri that I'm not feeling well, tapos I proceed with assisting Sab sa pinagagawa niya. It kept my mind busy for a good few minutes kahit na sumakit ang ulo for trying to figure it out on my own dahil hindi ako pumasok ngayong araw. Bago ko i-send ang sagot ay nakipag-negotiate muna ako ng notes kay Sab. Wala kasi akong masyadong maa-approach sa class about notes and slides because I am not really friends with them, but I can miss not a single one of presentations from any of my majors.

Di pa gumagalaw ulit ang chat log namin ni Chio. And because I don't really talk to many people in the app, nakabalandrang-nakabalandra pa yung pangalan niya sa may bandang taas kahit hindi pa kami nag-uusap ulit since my not-date with Ced.

Bago pa ako makagawa ng bagay na pagsisisihan ko ulit, I turn off my phone then go downstairs to finally eat. Baka magkasakit namana ko sa ginagawa ko sa katawan ko nang dahil lang sa kahihiyan.

"May sakti ka bang bata ka?" tanong ni Auntie Mel habang naggagayat sa counter. I shake my head no. "E bakit ganiyan ang hitsura mo? Kinausap ka ba ng tatay mo?"

I pause on chewing because that actually made me laugh a little. To Auntie Mel, madali akong basahin. It's either I'm okay, or my dad bothered me—yung dalawang 'yun lang ang moods ko. "No po. 'Wag niyo na pong batiin." Baka magparamdam pa.

She laughs. Binilinan ko siyang dagdagan nang kaunti ang isasaing para mamaya dahil baka pumunta si Sab at dito maisipang mag-dinner. I leave her downstairs after cleaning up my plate, then go back to my room to shower at para makabalik ulit sa tulog pagkatapos. My mind turns into a blank, clean slate when I'm in the shower. At kapag naman tulog ako, well, one can't make bad decisions when they're asleep.

I wake up again at around half past six. Hindi ko na sinabayang mag-dinner si Auntie Mel dahil sabi ko, hihintayin ko si Sab. After doing a last, quick clean-up of the living room, pumasok na si Auntie Mel sa room niya. I don't know what time she sleeps, pero maaga talaga siya laging pumapasok sa kuwarto, which is understandable because she wakes up the earliest.

Nakahiga ako sa couch at pinakikinggan ang movie na tumatakbo sa TV when Auntie Mel gets out of her room. She's saying something as she passes by me in the living room, na hindi ko masyadong naintindihan because I am too focused listening to the actors on screen.

"Ano po?" tanong ko, pulling myself up to sit. Hindi na niya iyon narinig dahil nakalabas na siya ng pinto. When she comes back, saka ko lang napansin ang keys na hawak niya. I feel like the ground beneath me split into two when I notice who's walking from behind her.

"Di mo raw siya pinagbubuksan, sa akin pa nag-chat," sabi ni Auntie Mel. She even holds the door open as Chio takes off his shoes. Oh, god. "Kumain na kayong dalawa diyan."

Nodding, Chio smiles at Auntie Mel nang siya naman ang sabihan na kumain na. I get on my feet the moment Auntie Mel walks away and I hear her room door closing, not minding Chio calling out my name by the doorway. Shit, shit. No. Bakit siya nandito? He's not supposed to be here! Mamaya pa ako mag-iisip kung ano ang tamang gagawin sa next time na magkita kami! What do I do now? I'm not prepared!

Ikinulong ko ang sarili sa kuwarto. Napaupo agad ako sa sahig at sinandalan ang pinto even if I had already made sure na naka-lock yun. What do I do? What if katukin niya si Auntie Mel tapos pilitin akong lumabas? When is he freaking leaving? At ano'ng pumasok sa utak niya at naisipan niyang magandang idea na puntahan ako sa bahay?!

Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim. I sit on the floor and try my best to hear what's happening downstairs by sticking my ear to the door, kahit na alam kong parnag imposibleng may marinig ako. I do not know how long I waited for something to break the silence. I just figure out na hindi nagsumbong si Chio kay Auntie Mel na tumakbo ako at iniwan siya dahil hindi ako kinatok ni Auntie. Is it done? Did he just quietly leave?

I take a deep breath. It's okay. I'm okay. Hindi naman ako mamamatay kapag nakita ko si Chio! But I would rather just die.

And I should have thought of this as, I don't know, a try-out? Hindi ko naman siya maiiwasan. Makikita at makikita ko siya.

"I can do this," I tell myself, even if I don't feel that way. Umalis na si Chio. I can just check downstairs, tapos wala na siya, then I'll go back up in my room to hibernate. Pagbukas ko nitong pinto, yun ang mangyayari. I'll be fine. Okay.

Wrong. SO WRONG. I almost fall to my bum dahil nagkandabuhol-buhol ang mga binti ko nang may tumulak pabukas nang pinto pagkatanggal bna pagkatanggal ko ng lock at pagkapihit na pagkapihit ko ng knob. I haven't even pulled it open! Bigla na lang sumulpot si Chio na kanina pa yata ako inaabangan sa labas ng room ko, pushes the door open, then blocks it with his body.

"What is wrong with you?!" I hold onto my drawer for balance. Muntik na akong pumlakda sa sahig! He didn't have to push the door that hard! If I were standing too close, sapul ng pinto ang noo ko! Bibigyan niya pa ako ng bagong bukol sa noo e kakawala nga lang n'ung bukol ko noong Saturday from hitting my head on his door.

That stern look on his face that I am not used to seeing vanishes instantly. Mukha namang na-realize din ng tanga na he didn't have to use his whole body weight to open the freaking door! "Sor—"

"Don't move."

He stays on his spot. I notice that he's wearing his flannel that I recently returned.

"Don't say anything," I add when I see him opening his mouth to speak. He sighs, purses his lips, and leans his back on the door of my room. I look away dahil baka mamaya, kung ano na namang mangyari sa katitingin niyang 'yan. Jesus.

"AJ—"

"Ako muna," putol ko sa sasabihin niya. He sighs again, lolling his head back in what seems like frustration. I move across him, trying to put as much space as I can between us. I stand in the corner. "Why are you here?"

He turns his head to look at me. I widen my eyes at him when he just remains standing and quietly staring at me. When the corner of his lips curl upward but his eyebrows don't do this thing where they momentarily raise before he smiles, I immediately know that he's being sarcastic. "Puwede na akong magsalita?"

"I asked you a question. Malamang."

His scoff tells me that he's not liking my tone, but he answers, anyway. "Dala ko yung probset saka notes—"

"You could have sent it online," I cut him off. Kaya ko lang naman in-assume na pupunta si Sab dito ay nagtanong siya sa 'kin kanina kung puwede. Then I said yes. Puwede naman talaga kasi siya, but not Chio!

He heaves a sigh based on the movement of his chest and shoulders. Umiling lang siya na hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ibig sabihin, then stays silent as he keeps his eyes on the floor. I don't know if he's annoyed, or galit na ba siya, but he's obviously not happy.

"'Wag," utos ko nang makitang parang may balak na siyang magsalita. He shuts his eyes tight, nods, but his eyes don't leave me when they flutter back open. I ignore the loud beating of my chest. "I'm sorry," I say and I mean it.

His eyebrows furrow. I continue, "That wasn't okay . . . lasing ka," sabi ko. "I shouldn't have done that. I took advantage of you . . . somehow." Ako yung nasa katinuang isip, no matter how it felt like all the rational capacity I have flew out the window. I shouldn't have grabbed him kahit na he leaned forward. I should have stepped back, then walked out. Siya ang mas hindi nakakapag-isip nang ayos dahil siya ang nakainom. "It will never happen again. Promise. I'm sorry."

The crease in his forehead is gone, but he's looking at me incredulously with mouth agape. "Lasing ka," I reiterate. "Whatever happened . . . . Basta, you can be mad."

"Hindi ako galit," mariin niyang sabi.

"Then let's not talk about this again." Even to my own ears, I sound like pleading. "Walang nangyari."

He lets out a laugh that doesn't sound like his own. It sounds so hollow. "Bakit naman gan—"

"Why? Galit ka ba?"

"Hindi nga."

"Then what is there to talk about?"

He stares at me for a long while, like he can't believe what he's hearing. Ano ba dapat ang gawin? Ganito naman talaga, di ba? Puwede namang mag-move on kami, di ba? Tapos na. Nangyari na e. We just have to pretend it never happened parang walang magbago sa 'min.

I thought he's going to say more, but he just zips his mouth shut. I watch his jaw tick for a moment before he finally nods and turns his back on me.

"Wait," I say when the lock clicks open. He doesn't look at me, but he stays at where he is instead of walking out. "Friends . . .?"

Matagal siyang nakatalikod lang sa 'kin. I wait. My chest starts to hurt when I realize that there's a chance na hindi ko magustuhan ang isasagot niya. I don't want to lose him—I can't even if kasalanan ko kung bakit ganun ang mangyayari. 'Tang ina naman kasi, Julianne! Okay kayo tapos guguluhin mo tapos magtataka ka kapag bigla siyang umayaw—

"Okay."

"What?"

He looks over his shoulder and smiles. And it's genuine. "Siyempre naman. Paano ka na lang kung wala ako?"

My shoulder drops. We're okay . . . right? Somehow, even if his smile seems genuine, parang may mali pa rin.

That's what I get for crossing the line. Sinabihan na kasing stay where it's safe, pero tumawid at tumawid pa rin.

"Okay lang . . . Okay na." he adds with a sigh. "Kumain ka na sa baba," huling bilin niya bago buksan ang pinto at umalis.

*

Right after I wake up, at hanggang sa habang naglalakad ako papunta ng lecture room, nagpe-pep talk ako sa sarili. Yung itinulog ko nang itinulog kahapon, nabawi rin naman dahil hindi ako nakatulog nang ayos kagabi dahil sa kaba. As expected tuloy, ako ang pinakamaaga sa friends ko dahil naunahan ko pa nga si Auntie Mel na gumising kanina.

After taking my seat, binuksan ko yung chat ni Chio kagabi. He just sent me the file for the Dynamics class I missed, at yung picture ng isang probset para sa new unit. I'm thankful, of course, pero hindi na ako nag-chat ng thank you dahil kinakabahan nga ako. Will we go back to normal? Ako naman ang nagsabing magkunwari kaming parang walang nangyari, but is that really possible? Can I really do that? E ito pa nga lang na hindi ko pa siya nakikita ulit, parang natataranta na ako. Will our friends not notice? Will they ask? Fuck, lalo na si Sab. Trip pa naman kami ng babaeng yun lately—

"Uy!" My heart leaps out through my throat then slams back down with a loud thump. Behind Chio is Sab na nakaakbay kay Eri na mukhang inaantok—but that's just her normal face. Baka nagkasalubong silang tatlo sa may gate.

I feel like something's squeezing the blood out of my heart when Chio walks towards me, grinning from ear-to-ear. How the fuck is he normal? "Aga mo a?" he says before putting down his backpack on his seat.

I . . . I do not . . . I do not know what to say! Ni hindi ko alam kung ang nararamdaman ko ba ay kaba or I'm just baffled that Chio's doing so damn well. When he catches me looking, he even smiles at me before going back to his conversation with Sab. What the hell.

How? Ganun na lang ba talaga yun?

I mean, that's what I wanted but—! How? I feel like I can't look at him the same way anymore after that incident.

I shut my eyes tight and look away. Chio's giving me what I asked of him and what we need, so the rest ay problema ko na. He can't shoulder everything on his own. Tutal ay share naman kami roon sa nangyari.

I need to get a grip.

"G-Good morning."

Akala ni Eri para sa kaniya yun, so she leans her head on my arm and greets me back, "Morning," she says with that familiar drawl.

Napatingin sa akin si Chio. A, shit. We look at the opposite directions when I catch the slight panic in his eyes when our gazes meet. See? I knew na too good to be true yung inaakto niya kanina!

Walang nakapansin na may mali the whole morning. Not even Sab. Which I am thankful for pero hindi ko sure kung dahil ba wala talagang suspicious, or sadyang packed ang schedule namin ng umaga.

Pagdating ng lunch, I am actually surprised to see Gracey and Miss Clipboard by the doorway. Kay Gracey—I'm not that surprised pala but I'm not used to it dahil alam kong siya ang pinupuntahan ni Jass. Miss Clipboard, though . . . What is she doing here? And where is her clipboard? How am I going to refer to her as kung wala siyang clipboard na bitbit? With her name? I don't even remember her name anymore.

Eri's the first to greet the both of them. I purposely turn to the oppsoite direction as Jass approaches his girlfriend dahil baka maging awkward kapag nagmukhang pinanonood ko silang dalawa. From the side of my eye, I can see Chio looking at me kaya nilabas ko ang phone ko at nagkunwaring may ginagawa. I follow them quietly to the canteen.

Tirik ang araw. The covered walkway can only accommodate four people at most—dalawang side-by-side papunta, and dalawa pabalik. It's going to cause a traffic kung apat ang magkakatabi while walking. Si Sab ang nauuna sa paglalakad, and I'm guessing little Eri's by her side pero hindi ko lang makita dahil bina-block ni Jass ang view ko. Beside him is his girlfriend. And in front of me . . . well . . . it's Miss Clipboard and Chio who are talking about something na ayaw kong pakinggan.

A lump forms in my throat for some reason, and it takes me a few deep breaths to make it disappear. I suddenly feel uneasy. I don't even want to walk here anymore. Gusto kong tumalikod at maglakad papunta kung saan. I don't know where. Basta anywhere but the place where I would be stuck with them.

Dahil pito kami, we occupy a larger table. I transfer my phone to my left hand because my right hand starts to feel clammy. It's not a long walk from our building to the canteen, pero parang hirap na hirap akong huminga. Most especially when they start to take theri seats and . . . and I don't know where to go.

I don't know where I fit.

Sab scoots over and urges me to sit beside her. Had she not pull my arm, I would have remained standing. Sa tapat ko ay si Gracey, and to her left is Jas. Parehas silang iniwan lang ang gamit sa table after taking both Chio and Miss Clipboard's money. And then they both walk towards the food lines with Jas' hand lying on a small spot above Gracey's elbow. To Gracey's right is Miss Clipboard, at sa kabila niya si Chio na nasa pinakadulo na ng table. I lower my gaze on the manmade wood pattern on the table when he glances at me.

"Ano?" Napalingon ako kay Sab nang magsalita siya. Turns out she's talking to Eri na nasa pila na near Jas and Gracey. Eri's mouthing something na miski ako ay hindi naintindihan. "Ano raw?"

"I don't know . . ." sagot ko. Sab clicks her tongue and stands up.

"Ikaw, Ju? Ano iyo?" tanong niya.

I gulp. If she leaves, maiiwan ako sa table with Chio Miss Clipboard, and the few empty chairs between us. For some reason, I don't feel comfortable with that. Pinalitan ng kung anong lamig ang gutom na nararamdaman ko kanina. "Tubig lang."

Sab smacks me on the shoulder, light enough not to cause pain but strong enough to somehow bring me back to my senses. Ang kamay ng babaeng 'to talaga. "Bakit naman?"

"I'm not . . . hungry," pagdadahilan ko. Inabutan ko siya ng pambayad. She doesn't look convinced when she walks away from our table and goes to Eri.

I don't take my eyes away from the empty chair in front of me—yung kay Gracey. I don't want to and I don't think I am able to. I can't even get my phone from my pocket just to distract me from the discomfort I'm getting. I keep on hearing Miss Clipboard's voice, which is not loud enough for me to understand any of the words she's saying.

My eyes fleet to the long lines of students waiting for their food. I think Gracey's saying something. I can't tell because her hair is covering the side of her face as she rests her head on Jass' arm, but Jass keeps nodding. Eri and Sab are both quiet, but Eri has an arm looped around Sab's, which is usual niyang habit.

Ayaw ko man pero pinilit ko ang sarili kong tumingin sa mga kasama kong natira sa table. I see Chio with his arms folded, leaning back on his seat, as he intently listens to wahtever story Miss Clipboard is telling. I can see his eyes clearly because he's once again wearing that zigzag metal headband that pushes his hair back, and I know how he looks like when he's focused. Gaya na lang ngayon.

A weight from nowhere drops to my stomach. I normally don't mind being just here . . . . But now . . . I feel . . . weird. I don't look at them in pairs, but at this very moment?

I feel like I am not even here. Like I don't even take up space. I don't even know if that makes sense. My feelings usually don't, so that's not new.

"You're not eating?" tanong ni Gracey pagdating nila sa table. The moment Sab hands me my bottled water, I stand up. Dahil nadalâ na ako sa bigla na lang pag-alis sa harap ni Gracey, I force my self to smile at her and shake my head no. Kahit ang gusto ko na lang gawin ay maglakad palayo dahil parang ang hirap-hirap huminga rito.

"Saan ka pupunta?" Eri asks next, pouting.

"May . . ." I don't even know how to answer that. Saan nga ba ako pupunta? Gusto ko lang talagang maglakad paalis. "May naghahanap lang sa 'kin."

That's a dumb excuse, but Eri takes the bait. "Ooh?" Her perfectly filled brows raise. "Who?" nanliliit ang mga mata niyang tanong sa 'kin. She doesn't sound like she's doubting my excuse. She sounds more genuinely curious.

" . . . Friend."

I do not have other friends.

Sabay-sabay yatang lumingon sa 'kin ang mga nasa table.

"Friend?" takang tanong ni Sab.

"Yeah. He's waiting."

"He?"

Oh, god. I just keep making it worse. Tumango na lang ako kay Eri at nagmamadaling nagpaalam before I can do more damage. I am not a good liar. I don't like lying.

I walk out of there as fast as I can. Nang makalayo-layo nang kaunti ay binuksan ko agad ang tubig na binili para uminom. Kakaunti ang laman n'un at mabilis na naubos. Hindi rin sapat to calm me down enough so I can stop walking quickly under this heat. My legs just keep oon moving and moving, as if I'm running away from something e wala naman akong dapat takbuhan.

Bumalik lang ang gutom ko nang tamaan ng pagod. Ayaw na ayaw kong naglalakd sa initan but now I'm thankful I did because it exhausted me and forced me to slow down. I take an empty seat at the kiosk behind our building. Dito na lang ako kakain.

Walang iced tea, which is something I'm used to drinking at least five times a week, pero a cold bottled water would do. Wala naman akong choice e. Mabuti na rin dito dahil walang pila, and I am alone at the table.

The familiarity of being alone while eating eased out the tension I have been feeling earlier. I like eating with my friends but . . . kanina it just doesn't feel right. I would rather eat alone than be with other people kung feeling ko naman ay wala ako roon.

I don't know what's my problem. I most certainly don't mind na Miss Clipboard's there. Or that napansin kong she's picking out some stuff from her plate tapos nililipat niya roon sa kay Chio. Or that she hasn't stopped talking to him on the way to the canteen at hanggang sa pag-upo namin. Or that whatever they're talking about, it must be so damn interesting that it's keeping Chio's goldfish attention span actively engaged—

"Nasa'n ang friend?"

I pause on chewing. Chio shamelessly takes the empty spot across me. Nagawa niya pang hubarin ang headband na suot at ayusin ang buhok bago iyon ibalik.

"What are you doing here?" I ask back. Nakakailang subo pa lang ako sa kinakain ko! Don't tell me ubos na niya yung binili niya sa canteen.

"Nasa'n ang friend?" ulit niya. Nakakabingi yung sarcasm sa tono niya. Suddenly all that I am is a jar of inexplicable annoyance. Nevermind all the emotions I couldn't figure out just a while ago. Pakialam niya ba?

"What are you doing here? Iniwan mo yung friend ni Gracey?"

He raises a brow. "O? Ano na namang kinalaman ni Leigh dito?"

"I'm just asking," sabi ko at binalik ang tingin sa kinakain. I hear him chuckle before standing up. Akala ko aalis na siya pero pumunta lang siya roon sa nagtitinda at bumili ng kung ano. Hindi pa ba siya busog?

"Okay, so nasa'n ang friend?" he asks when comes back and sits in front of me. Pine-prepare pa yata yung food niya dahil wala pa siyang bitbit na kahit ano.

"Bakit ka nandito?"

"Wala lang," he answers with a shrug and that annoying sarcastic smirk that makes me want to hit his face para mabura. "Masama?"

"Bakit kasi nandito ka? E nananahimik ka na do'n a?" At nananahimik ako rito. My thoughts are unfriendly but I would rather be alone with them than be with him kung iba naman ang aura niya. He seems different and he's throwing things off balance. Para siyang naiinis na hindi ko maintindihan. Nang-aasar pero hindi yung usual na kaya kong i-tolerate. Iritable sa 'kin pero ayaw namang umalis.

"Masama ba? Friends tayo di ba?"

The crease in my forehead tightens. Favorite word na ba niya 'yan? I hear him scoff when I take my eyes off him. "What does that have to do with anything?" tanong ko.

"Pero friends nga tayo?" Binalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya because I'm not liking his tone. Okay naman siya kaninang umaga a? Galing ngang umakting e. Ano na namang problema niya at ang diin-diin niyang makipag-usap sa 'kin?

Binalik ko sa kaniya ang sarcastic ng ngiti niya kanina. My smile immediately falters when he briefly lowers his gaze on my lips.

His jaw ticks as he looks away. 'Tang inang lalaki 'to. "Oo nga."

He arches a brow. It is only for a second or two but he sends my nerves in panic when he leans over and his hand reaches for my face. My heart skips a beat when I feel his thumb briefly swiping the side of my lower lip. He brings his thumb to his lips after, quickly wiping the bit of spaghetti sauce off he got with his tongue.

"E di manahimik ka na diyan, friend," he says, putting emphasis on the last word before standing up dahil tinawag na siya ng nagtitinda.