this is a reboot.

111022 #BYLAMwp Chapter 1

"Ang New Year's resolution mo ay i-accept ako sa Facebook."

"Wala. Akong. New Year's. Resolution," I say slowly, making sure every word gets into Santiago's head para hindi siya paulit-ulit. I woke up early this morning to make sure I get some quiet time before he arrives dahil alam kong everyday mission niya yatang rindihin ako. I am sure that he arrives to school almost late every time (and never late-late). I don't know why he's here early.

He laughs. "Bakit wala? Meron nga! Kasasabi ko lang e."

"Shut up." Bakit siya ang magde-decide ng New Year's resolution ko?

He slides his phone on my armdesk. Paulit-ulit niyang t-in-ap ang Cancel at Add Friend sa profile ko as if that's going to do anything.

Sometimes I wonder what's going on inside his head. Or if there's anything inside his skull that resembles a brain.

"Accept mo na . . . accept mo na," he says in a sing-song manner then continues what he's doing.

I shake my head. "No."

He whines. Whines. With whining noises. Like a pre-schooler. Hindi talaga nagma-match ang physique at pagkilos niya. He's tall, has broad chest and shoulders, and a really nice tan but I'm never telling him that because he will hold it against me.

One time in freshman year, I slipped and told him that the waves of his hair framed his face nicely. One month niyang pinagyabang 'yun at paulit-ulit na b-in-ring up every time he had the chance. He only stopped when I told him it looked ugly dahil masyado nang mahaba. He now regularly cuts his hair every six weeks, and I always tell him it doesn't look nice para di na niya ako asarin.

"Bakit ba ayaw mong maging Facebook friends?" he asks as if hindi obvious ang sagot. He keeps on tagging me on random things and it's so annoying. I can't just ignore kasi tatanungin niya ako whenever kami magkikita, and that's every day. "Siguro kasi hindi mo mapigilan sarili mong i-stalk ako kasi marami akong pictures."

I tear my gaze off his phone and shift it back to him. What.

He laughs. Sinabayan pa siya ni Sabrina na sa tabi ko nakaupo. Santiago raises his hand for a hi-five but immediately puts it down when Sab stops laughing promptly and puts on a poker face colder than mine.

Imbes na ibaba niya ang kamay niya ay tumayo siya at naghanap ng sasalo ng hi-five niya. Pre-schooler talaga.

Sinalo 'yun ni Erina na kapapasok lang. Among our little friend group, si Eri ang pinakatumatagal sa ka-childish-an niya. But that's most probably because Eri's so carefree she seems absentminded most of the time. She likes giving people nicknames. She calls herself Rina the First and Sabrina as Rina the Second. She's also too kind to the point of being gullible. If it weren't for Sab na lagi niyang kasama at laging mukhang naghahamon ng away, she would have been in trouble way too many times. Her sober and drunk mode were interchanged when she was being calibrated as a human being. Kung kailan siya may alcohol influence, doon siya nagkakamalay sa paligid niya.

Napatingin ako kay Sab nang idantay niya ang braso sa armdesk ko. "Sarap ng tulog ko," sabi niya na kinainggit ko. I haven't been sleeping well lately.

She turns her head to me. "Three hours," she adds, showing me three fingers while looking genuinely happy.

Tinitigan ko lang siya. Unbelievable.

Sab can pull an all-nighter like it's not taking a toll on her body. Sabi niya ay nasanay lang siyang laging puyat or maaga masyadong gumigising dahil varsity siya noong high school. I keep telling her that it's not healthy, pero binabalewala lang niya because she feels perfectly fine. And I partly believe her dahil siya yata ang pinakamalakas sa 'min physically. I think she can lift Santiago over the corridor railings then throw him downstairs without breaking a sweat.

Santiago goes back to the chair he positioned in front of me earlier, while Erina sits on the chair in front of Sab. "Good morning, Rina the Second," she says with a drawl then turns to me. "Morning, Julibear." She always speaks like the words weigh a ton and she has to drag them out of her vocal cords.

"Accept na kasi," pagpapatuloy nitong isang makulit sa kanina niya pang request. He doesn't get tired of nagging people.

"Shut up, Santiago," I say.

It never works. Hindi siya marunong mag-follow ng instructions. I think he can turn off his hearing whenever he wants to. "Hindi nga Santiago ang pangalan ko," he says, banging my armdesk once. He picks up his phone and shoves it down the pockets of his dark jeans with a pout. A pout. Like a child.

"Sino nga yung Santiago?" I ask. Alam ko namang hindi 'yun ang pangalan niya. For some reason, nasanay lang akong 'yun ang tinatawag sa kaniya. I already forgot when I started calling him that. "Tatay mo?"

He gasps. "Di ko 'yon tatay!"

He is quiet for a few seconds then, "What if ampon—"

"Shut up, Chio, please." Parang ako yung nade-drain kapag hindi siya tumitigil sa pagsasalita. Hindi naman ako ganun ka-sensitive sa ingay, pero 'pag siya ang nagsasalita, naririndi ako kasi di talaga siya tumitigil!

He laughs, probably satisfied that I dropped the nickname na hindi ko alam kung saan ko napulot. Bago pa siya makadaldal ulit tungkol sa Facebook request niyang hindi ko ina-accept, napatingin siya sa harap dahil pumasok na ang prof para sa first period. Umayos ako ng pagkakaupo. Chio pulls his chair and lines it up properly beside Erina's.

I thought this day would go by quickly dahil may holiday hangover pa ang lahat, but then my eyes dart to him who just entered the room. He's smiling. I hate that he doesn't look like he cried himself to sleep for a few nights during the holidays because of a heartbreak.

I kick the chair in front of me. Lumingon sa 'kin si Chio na salubong ang kilay. Nawala rin naman agad 'yun nang sumulpot ang napakalapad niyang ngiti. "Ano? In-accept mo na 'ko?"

"Dito ka," I tell him, ignoring what he just said. I pull the left empty chair closer to me and tap the attached desk thrice. "Dito," I say slowly para ma-gets niya.

His eyebrows shoot up, and I just know na kung ano-ano na naman ang iisipin niya kung bakit ko siya pinalilipat sa tabi ko.

I can't believe I forgot about the unspoken seating arrangement. Sab sits beside me to the right because she likes sitting on the last row and behind Erina's seat. Si Chio at si Jass, hindi nagtatabi dahil wala silang nagagawang matino kapag magkasama sila. Jass takes the seat to my left dahil mas hindi makakapag-focus si Chio kapag ito ang nasa last row.

"Gusto akong katabi," Chio says, grabbing his bag and dropping it on the chair beside me. He's gloating. "Wow, Julianne. Na-miss mo ba ako noong holidays kasi di tayo friends sa Facebook kaya di ka na updated sa 'kin?"

I ignore him. I pretend to be getting something from my bag when Jass walks towards our place. Aninag kong gumalaw ang upuan sa tapat ko. I can handle him sitting in front of me than beside me. At least this way likod lang niya ang makikita ko.

He greets Chio, then me, then the two other girls. I look up at him briefly and don't bother to smile before tuning them out. Wala na bang ibibilis ang pagse-set up ng presentation sa harap?

When the class finally started, and Jass occupied Chio's seat without question, saka ko lang siya tiningnan. At least he's aware na ayaw ko siyang makatabi kasi hindi pa ako okay. He broke up with me before finals week last semester; ruined Christmas for me na dapat ay favorite holiday ko dahil Christmas season last year naging kami; then I recently found out that he's seeing that girl from the other block he told me not to worry about.

And the worst part of it all is I have to act like I'm more than fine because we share a small circle of friends and not even one of them has an idea that we were together for almost a year.

It hurts. Feelings suck.

"Pst."

Huminga ako nang malalim. I remind myself that this trade-off is worth it because I really won't be able to focus if si Jass ang katabi ko. At least I can tune Chio out. But I have to exert serious effort doing so dahil parang mamamatay yata siya kapag hindi nakakapagsalita sa loob ng fifteen minutes.

"Accept mo na 'kooo," pabulong niyang sabi. I move my head away because, ugh, his breath is warm and it doesn't feel pleasant. "Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"I don't like cherries."

"Pretty please with Indian mango na medyo nagdidilaw na, pero hindi pa sobrang hinog kaya kulay green pa tapos nag-aagaw pa yung tamis sa asim, na may kasamang toyo, kaunting asukal, at pisil ng paminta?"

That gets my attention. I turn my head to look at him and I wish I didn't because his face is too close. He wiggles his eyebrows.

"That is oddly specific." And he's correct. I love those.

"Naman," sabi niya at nagpagpag pa ng balikat. Yabang. "So, pretty please with Indian mango na medyo—"

"No," I cut him off. Uulitin talaga niya? "And keep quiet. Naiinis na ako."

"KJ. Boo," aniya bago umayos ng pagkakaupo at ilayo-layo ang sarili sa 'kin.

After an hour and a half of enduring Chio's side comments na pinipilit ko namang hindi pansinin, life hands me a new problem. I normally don't have any problems with group works as long as hindi freeloader ang kasama ko, but Chio beat me to asking Sab to be my partner sa essay due next week. Erina already has a partner which is yung isa niyang seatmate, leaving me and Jass na wala pang partners.

I don't want to pair up with him. Everything's still raw.

"Kayo na ni Jass," sabi ni Chio kaya gusto ko siyang batukan. Pero hindi ko 'yun gagawin because as much as he's annoying, hindi rin naman niya alam ang nangyari. Ako naman kasi yung pumayag na secret lang, na kami lang dalawa ang nakakaalam, para kapag may nangyaring masama, hindi affected ang buong grupo.

"Unless ako ang gusto mong partner," dagdag niya at inangat-baba pa ang kilay.

Actually, yes. I'd rather have him than my ex as my partner. But I won't tell him that.

Jass turns from his seat. Nangangapa ang tingin niya sa 'kin at buti na lang marunong siyang mangapa dahil kung hindi, di ko alam kung kakayanin ko pang manahimik. I look at Sab and nudge her. "Tayo na lang partners," aya ko. "Tapos sina Chio at Jass."

"'Yoko nga," pagtanggi niya nang walang pagdadalawang-isip kaya di ko alam kung mao-offend ba ako. "Gusto kong tumambay do'n kina Chio lagi. Puwede pang makitulog."

"Hah!" I flinched when Chio shouted. Inangat niya ang palad sa ere at nag-lean sa seat ko. "Apir!"

Sab just looks at him flatly. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang sa 'kin niya ilipat ang offer.

Jass ignores him and Erina's busy talking with her partner kaya sarili lang niya ang inapiran niya. Then, he sits back properly on his chair. Moping, he says, "Wala akong friends."

I don't even remember why I agreed to be friends with him.

"Ju."

Tumango lang ako kay Jass, hindi na siya pinatapos. It's not like I have a choice. Magre-raise din ng suspicion if I say no and look for another partner.

Maybe I brought this upon myself. Bakit ba ako pumayag na ang first boyfriend ko ay in secret? At talagang ka-friend group ko pa? I should have taken that no to blockcest warning when I was in freshman. Because what did it leave me? A heartbreak I'm not even allowed to feel nor share with my friends.

It's horrible.

And I have to endure being in close proximity with him the whole day. Share a lunch table with him. Get distracted by watching the back of his head. Talk about the holidays with him. Holidays I spent weeping in my room kasi doon lang ako nabigyan ng chance na umiyak. He broke up with me on Finals week, for fuck's sake. Meaning, I couldn't cry and I wasn't allow to process the pain that came with it for a week or two.

Maybe I should have prepared myself because a month before that, I could already feel him slipping away. But I had hope. And it's rare for me to have hope, so I held onto it as tight as I could. Pero wala, 'tang ina, sinayang niya 'yun.

And his reasons are so stupid. He told me that what we had didn't feel right. Na everything feels like a routine for him and it shouldn't be that way. Na nawala na yung romantic feelings niya at baka matagal-tagal nang na-dilute into being just a friendly feeling pero hindi niya lang agad napansin. At baka raw the same 'yun for me but I just didn't see it because I love routines. And that he allegedly didn't want to hurt me so he wanted to end it so I could find someone I know I would be genuinely in love with and could give me back that love I was giving. At para daw mahanap niya yung sparks na parehas naming deserve.

I should have tased his back when he turned to walk away from me. Baka bumalik yung sparks na sinasabi niya.

He didn't want to hurt me pero Finals week nakipag-break?

I hate what he did, but the rage I had fizzled out quickly.

I'm just sad. And I want to understand what I did wrong kasi I know I did my best. I didn't ask for attention even if I wanted it, didn't nag him for updates, didn't care whom he wanted to hang out with, didn't force him to tell our friends about us kahit gustong-gusto ko nang sabihin. I should have taken the hint when he refused to sit down on a dinner with Mommy kahit eight months na kaming in a relationship. Hindi ko naman sinabing ipapakilala ko siya. Gusto ko lang siyang madala sa bahay nang siya lang at hindi kabuntot yung buong grupo.

Kahit na sinabi niyang the problem is with him and I was a nice girlfriend, he made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Something I won't be able to fix kasi hindi ko naman kung ano. Then, I find out na he's hanging out with that girl I was jealous of for weeks before he hit the brake.

God, I take back what I said. I still have rage.

Lots of it because a part of me still keeps reaching out to him.

"Jass," I say without thinking right after our last class ended. Maybe hearing Chio talk every fifteen minutes did irreparable damage to my brain kaya ko 'yun ginawa.

Jass look at me, obviously trying to mask his shock dahil kinausap ko siya. I made it very clear to him the day after he walked away from me na I needed time to heal. And that I don't want him to act friendly around me dahil baka kung anong masamang bagay ang magawa ko sa kaniya.

"Gusto mo bang simulan na natin yung paper? I have time."

I brace myself for the rejection nang kumamot siya sa likuran ng ulo niya. "Ihahatid ko pa kasi si ano e . . . si ano . . ."

But, yup, it still stings.

"Okay," I say with a shrug, like I don't care. Like I don't feel pathetic. And I hate that I feel that way. And that I cannot do anything about it. Is love supposed to make you feel pathetic? "Just thought gusto mo nang matapos nang maaga," I add so it makes sense bakit ko siya niyaya.

He can't even mention the name of the girl he's dating. As if hindi ko alam from the social media posts.

I don't stalk him. He just appears on my virtual space because of our connections. And also because the heartbreak changed me into this person na laging hawak ang phone at laging nasa social media kung hindi man ako tulog galing sa kaiiyak.

Remembering that makes me feel more pathetic. It's annoying.

"Sab." Inalis ko na ang tingin kay Jass because, god help me, parang gusto ko siyang bungangaan. And I cannot do that in front of our friends. Our friends na walang idea kung paano kami nagtago in almost a year.

"O?"

"Inom? Bantay-kotse?" I ask. I toss her my car keys without waiting for her answer. She'll say yes kasi maaga pa and she lives near.

"Ingat kayo." Nagawa pa ni Jass na magbilin bago magpaalam sa friends namin. The nerve.

My shoulders jam to my ear when I hear Chio yell from behind me. "Boo! Nagiging driver na!" kantiyaw niya kay Jass. Lumingon tuloy ako sa kaniya, which is a bad idea, dahil akala niya ay invitation yung pagtingin ko. "Sama niyo 'ko ni Sab?"

Seriously, what goes on in his head? Paano naging invitaiton yung wala pang three seconds na napadpad sa kaniya ang tingin ko? Hindi ba niya naisip na nilingon ko siya dahil ang lakas ng boses niya? Or that he knows about the girl Jass is dating so I'm wondering if he also secretly knows about Jass and I dating before?

"No." I look back at Sab. "Tara na."

"Byeee," Erina chirps, dragging the word. I give her a brief hug and tell her not to agree with any stupid ideas Chio might have in the next few minutes after Sab and I leave.

*

Sab doesn't accompany me for long, pero inasahan ko na rin 'yun. She took my car with her kaya tatawagan ko na lang siya if gusto ko nang umuwi so she can drive me home. That's another factor why I chose to go with her. I knew that she would be leaving once the pub crowd gets a bit too much for her taste. Being left alone means I can talk to myself about Jass without worrying that I would slip and Sab being a phone call away means I don't have to think about how I would get home.

I sigh.

It's just so unfair. Why does Jass get to be happy?

Siya naman yung umamin sa 'ming dalawa. Bakit ako yung iniwan dito?

Bakit ang dali-dali niyang mag-move on?

Bakit ang dali-dali kong iwan?

I watch my phone the whole night. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hinihintay ko pa ring may message na sumulpot doon na nagtatanong kung ayos pa ba ako or what. Walang dumating. Kahit alam kong wala akong dapat i-expect, nag-expect pa rin ako. The annoying thing is I can't stop. I still want him to care.

Dahil hahanapin ako ni Mommy, and me being heartbroken doesn't mean that it's okay to make her worry, nag-text na ako kay Sab. I'm still able to walk and see clearly, but I already feel sleepy and that's enough. I won't feel pathetic anymore once I fall asleep.

I go outside because I know Sab won't bother to pick me up inside dahil alam niyang marami nang tao. I sit on the stairs, fight off my sleep, and wait for about twenty minutes before I see my car pulling over around the corner.

Bumababa ako ng hagdan nang lumabas ang nasa driver's seat. There's a grinning human being who's definitely not Sab kasi ngumingiti lang 'yun nang gan'an kapag may pinaplano siyang masama.

Chio clicks his tongue repeatedly and lightly reaches for my arm as I go down the last steps. "Sakay ka na sa sasakyan ko. Hatid na kita."

"This is my car," I remind him before pulling the car handle.

"Malamang acting lang 'yon," sabi niya. He holds the door open as I slip inside. "Di nag-iisip 'to."

"What?"

"Wala," he says and closes the car door immediately. Parang bata talaga.

"Bakit ikaw? Nasa'n si Sab?"

"Bahay. Tinatamad daw siyang mag-drive, buti nando'n ako. You're welcome." He winks. I don't understand where he gets the willpower na i-maintain yung energy niya from the morning until now that it's late at night.

"Bakit ka nasa bahay nina Sab?"

"Partners kami, di ba? Nakikain ako ng dinner."

"Sab is with me kanina." Kami ang magkasamang kumain ng dinner.

"So?" Umangat ang isa niyang kilay. "Dala ba niya yung plato nila?" He laughs when I rolled my eyes. Kumain siya kina Sab nang wala si Sab doon? Unlimited yata ang kakapalan ng mukha niya. "Seatbelt, Julianne."

I follow with a disapproving groan. "I told you to call me Juli." I don't understand ano'ng mahirap doon. It's not really a big-big deal to me pero I would rather be called anything else rather than what sounds like my father's name.

"Okay na seatbelt mo?" he asks, ignoring what I said.

"Yes."

"Okay." He smiles and his dimple shows. Napailing na lang ako bago sumandal nang ayos. The idiot looks decent. The problem is that he's an idiot.

He further validates my point when he makes engine noises while waiting for some pedestrians to get out of our way. Engine noises. Like a damn five-year-old. He's probably single because the people who like him back out when they hear him speak or something.

"Julianne, Julianne, ready ka na ba sa biyaheng langi—"

"Sasagasaan kita if ipapahamak mo 'tong sasakyan ko," I cut him off. He laughs. Bakit ba parang nalilimutan niyang hindi siya ang may-ari ng kotse? "Santiago," I add just to annoy him. He keeps calling me by my full second name so it's just fair.

His whole face crumples. Somehow it brings me satisfaction. Nawala bigla ang antok ko kaya kinausap ko siya buong biyahe pauwi, and I make sure to use that name para ako ang tumatawa at hindi siya.

"Thanks, Santiago," I tell him after he parks the car in the garage.

He hands me the key, forehead still creased at mukhang masuka-suka. My brows meet when he wipes that look off his face and replaces it with his default, all-smiley one. "Ikaw, ha? Gusto mo special nickname ko, ah?" Oh, no. "Sige na nga. Pagbibigyan na nga kita."

He's laughing again when he steps out of the vehicle. Lumipat yata sa 'kin yung expression niya kanina. Panay ang taas-baba ng kilay niya sa 'kin.

"Pa'no ka uuwi, Chio?"

"Huh? Sino 'yon?" He even looks behind him. So mature.

"Paano ka nga uuwi?" ulit ko sa mas seryosong tono. Tumigil siya sa paghahanap niya ng ibang Chio around him.

"Duh?" Ugh. It's so hard to have a decent adult-to-adult conversation with him. "Hindi ba obvious?"

"Right, magko-commute ka. But do you want me to book you a ride?" I can do that much in exchange of bringing me home safely. He's annoying but I know how to be thankful.

"Duh," mas maarteng sabi niya kumpara sa kanina. "E di lilipad ako."

I take a long deep breath. He chuckles as I try to pick up the remaining bits of patience I have. Sometimes he can be insufferable. "Isa," I warn.

"Di na, kaya ko na kasi!" matino niyang sagot, finally. "Pasok ka na sa loob."

I give him one last look. "Sabihan mo 'ko kapag nakauwi ka na." I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Ako kasi ang huli niyang kasama so ako ang unang hahanapin if ever. Hassle. And also, he's my friend.

"Add kita sa FB kapag nakauwi na 'ko," sabi niya. "Bye, Juli." Kaya naman pala niyang sumunod sa instructions.

I am already in bed and it takes more than half an hour for the annoying friend request notification to appear on my lockscreen along with a series of messages. I just click on Accept and let him have his prize before setting my phone on my bedside table without checking any of his messages.

Wala pang five minutes ang nakakalipas nang mapansin kong vibrate nang vibrate ang phone ko. Nang damputin ko 'yun para itsek ay puro Facebook notifications lang dahil nalimutan kong patayin ang Wi-Fi connection.

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Oh, god.