"Why are you such a nerd?" Matthew asked, collapsing beside me on the soft, grey sofa. We moved into the den after a long, drawn out dinner. Ivan asked a dozen questions and Carson asked Ivan questions and Skyler asked questions and then everyone talked and talked and talked. I tried to keep up, I really did try, but their words went in one ear and out the other. So not only am I confused as fuck, but I have this period of time that lapsed and I don't know what happened.

I could blame it on jet leg but I'd be lying to myself. A heavy fog loomed over me, my thoughts running in circles, not able to make sense. I hated this feeling, this feeling of ... I didn't know how to explain it.

The book I'd been reading, I: The Creation of a Serial Killer by Jack Olsen, was ripped from my hands.

I glanced up, blinking, at Matthew. "Whaa?"

"Yeah, I'm taking this and you're going to bed," he said, throwing the book towards Skyler whom sat in a recliner. I slapped away my brothers hands as he tried to lift me up off the sofa.

"Stop it, Matty. I am not a damn child you can just manhandle," I hissed, giving him a cold glare. "Leave me alone."

"Tarryn, you're flipping through pages and staring at the floor," he snapped. "You're exhausted, go to bed."

"You go to bed." I kicked out my leg, but he dodged it and caught my wrist. "Let go, dickhead."

"Hey, hey," Carson said, striding into the room, glancing between us. "Tarryn, no name calling. And Matty, let her go."

I scoffed, pulling out of my brothers grasp. I kicked him for good measure. "He deserved it."

Our oldest brother poked the fire, adding another stick of wood. He turned to face us, sighing. "I'm sure he did, but let's try and be civil to each other."

"Excuse you?" Matthew scoffed.

"Don't get your hopes up." I shuffled down to the other end of the sofa, pulling the throw blanket off the back and wrapped it around my legs, trying to get comfy. Carson glanced over at Matthew, the two sharing a knowing look. Fucking telepathy or something, I swear. They always knew what each other was thinking.

"It's almost midnight, bub -"

"Oh my God," I snapped, clenching my fists into balls. "If dare tell me to go to bed, I might just strangle you all."

Skyler snorted. "I'd like to see you try, kiddo."

I ignored him, staring at Carson. "I will go to sleep when-"

"I'm not going to tell you to go to bed, Tarryn," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "As I was saying, it's almost midnight, you've got to take your next dose of pills."

"Oh."

"If you wanna stay in here until you fall asleep, I'll carry you upstairs," he said, striding over to the small table on the other side of the room, where Trey and Sam played cards. June had gone to her room after dinner, claiming she needed a nap. We were barely here for six hours and I'd seen her for about half an hour.

Something was wrong ... something was wrong with her. I didn't know if my brothers knew her secret but I'd be willing to bet my life savings they knew more than me. They always seemed to, anyway.

Carson dig into his backpack and took out three pill bottles, sorting out my dose, before walking it over to me. "I know you're capable of looking after your own meds, bub, but until this is all over, I will keep them with me." His tone held no room for argument, strict but calm. I nodded, taking the pills from him and dry swallowing them. No point in arguing with him, I'd lose. I didn't have an issue with him keeping my medication, especially after what happened with the undercover officer, the corrupt officer, that switched them.

"Thank you."

"No problem. Why don't we watch a movie?" Hie suggested and I smiled, nodding.

"Yeah, sounds like a good distraction."

"Great. Trey and Sam will get the snacks. You and Matthew can pick the movie. Skyler, go ask Ivan if he wants to join. Ask Rhea too."

Skyler grumbled under his breath, pushing his reading glasses up. "I am a little busy, Carson-"

"You can do it in the morning, Sky. Go. We need this. We're exhausted and need to relax for a bit, including you," Carson argued back.

With a huff, Skyler stood and placed his papers on the side table, closing the folder. He raised an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes at Carson. "And what will you be doing, your highness?"

"I'm going to check in on June," our older brother said, ignoring Skyler's sarcasm. "I'll see if she wants to join us."

"Don't pressure her," Trey spoke up.

"What is going on with her?" I asked, glancing between him and Carson. They refused to look at me, not speaking. Instead they shared a look, a knowing look, and Skyler answered.

"She's having a rough time," Skyler tried to reassure, walking to the hallway. "Don't worry, June be okay. She needs a few days to process everything."

He left before I had the chance to say anything. Everyone moved, adding no further comment. It felt off, the way they were acting, the way my sister was acting. You'd think my brothers would understand by now this only worsened my curiosity.

June ended up not attending the movie, but it didn't surprise me. Rhea, Sam's sister did, though. We had exchanged smiles and occasional glances, sometimes sharing an eye roll when our brothers made stupid comments, laughing.

+++

I unpacked the small bag of belongings, placing them on the dresser; a pair of shorts, a loose burgundy tee, a few hair pins, socks, and a tooth brush and tooth paste. Everything I had, including the clothes I had on my back, were bought after we left the hospital.

I had nothing of personal value with me. It made everything feel so much more real and lonely.

Rhea peered in, offering an apologetic smile. "Hey," she said, her eyes scanning the empty room. "Are you settling in okay?"

I couldn't help but snicker. "You make it sound like you've been here longer than me," I said, but she didn't laugh. I quickly sobered, unsure why she didn't seem that to be funny. "What? Is something wrong?"

"No ... no, nothings wrong," Rhea assured, shaking her head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that."

I stared at her. "You haven't been here longer than me ... unless, you mean, you've been here before?" Rhea glanced down. "Rhea? I don't understand."

She kissed her teeth. "Sam and I ... your grandfather- Ivan - took us in when our parents died in a car accident," she said and it felt like I'd been slapped.

"Do my brothers know this?" I asked, my hands curling into fists.

Rhea nodded. "Sam and Skyler have known each other for over a year, though, Skyler knows next to nothing about Ivan."

"Doesn't make it much better, but thanks." I can't believe they kept this from me. I studied Rhea, trying to understand why she was telling me this, why she decided to tell me at this moment. "I'm sorry to hear about your parents."

"It was almost ten years ago," she whispered, though her eyes fell. "If it weren't for Ivan, Sam and I would have ended up on the streets or split up."

"Is Sam really an FBI agent?"

Rhea smirked, nodding. "Unfortunately but he works for Ivan. When Ivan found out you and your brothers were in trouble-"

"How did he find out?" I crossed my arms, trying to calm myself down. Don't flip out, don't flip out, I chanted, it's not a big deal. I mean, it was a big deal, but I couldn't let it get to me. My brothers were likely hiding much bigger things, I couldn't flip my shit over this.

"Your mom called him."

"What? When?" My heart tightened at the mention of my mother.

"The night after Jed was killed," Rhea said. "From what I know, what Ivan told us, your mom told him she would call him later but he never heard from her. Sam and I were on our way to meet with your dad when he was shot."

"Why didn't my brothers tell me this?"

"I don't know how much they know, to be honest," she whispered, shrugging a shoulder. "I'm sorry - I shouldn't have mentioned anything."

"Why did you then?" I wasn't stupid. I knew from watching of crime shows and true crime, people often did things for a reason more often than not.

Rhea's cheeks flushed, before meeting my eyes. "I like you, Tarryn. I thought you deserved the truth," she murmured. "I'm -"

Trey stepped into the bedroom behind Rhea, glancing between the two of us. She trailed off, looking at me, shooting me a silent don't tell them I told you. I nodded, deciding not to throw a fit. "Anyway, goodnight Tarryn," she said, a half smile gracing her lips. "Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks. Goodnight."

Trey mumbled a quiet goodnight as Rhea passed him and disappeared into the hallway. "I wanted to tell you g'night, bub. How are you feel?"

"Like crap." I turned and headed towards the bed, gripping the quilt and pulling it back. I was irritated and I knew he noticed how clipped my tone was when I spoke. "How are you feeling?"

I didn't mean to sound so off, but also, how could I not? My brothers weren't innocent and unknowing as they let on, and neither was I. Why wouldn't they be straightforward with information? Did this mean Skyler know about Ivan before our mom disappeared? Or did Sam keep his knowledge of our grandfather a secret?

We kept secrets from one another, sure, but -

Don't be hypocritical, I scolded myself. I kept too many secrets and Carson would have a heart attack if he found out the majority of them. You're not keeping secrets about your missing mom though.

"Tarryn?" Trey called out my name, bringing me back to reality. I caught his movement in the corner of my eyes as he stepped closer. "Tarryn, you're spacing out on me."

"I'm tired, Trey. What do you expect?" I snapped. "If you want to say anything besides goodnight, sleep well, you'll have to wait 'til morning."

Sorry, not sorry.

"You can be so difficult sometimes," he grunted, sighing. "I am just checking in on you, y'know. You don't have to be such a brat."

Ouch. I deserved that.

"Well, I don't need you to check up on me. Goodnight Trey." He ran his hand down over his face, before spinning on his heel and leaving without another word. You're such an idiot, my mind whispered and I crawled into bed, flicking the bedside lamp off. Darkness consumed the room, my eyes adjusting a minute later.

Rhea's words played in my head, over and over again. If what she said was true, and I didn't have any reason not to believe her, that meant my mom got away that night. She got away.

+++

... my moms face appeared in front of me, eyes wild and frantic. ""Run, Tarryn," she cried, pushing me away from her. "Go get your father. Go get help."

I fell backwards, landing down a small hill, smacking my head against a moss covered rock.
A sinister chuckled echoed. "She's not just yours, Eliza." It's a voice I didn't recognize. "Where are they? You know what happens when I don't get what I want."

"You will stay away from them."

I hoisted myself up and hid behind a tree, peeking around it. Two figures stood in the small opening in the forest, my mom and a man I've never met. His back was turned towards me, and he remained faceless.

A look of sheer terror fell over my mom.

"Call them out. You know I don't like to repeat myself," the man said, his voice low but ice cold. I backed up, stepping on a branch, the snap it made sending a chill down my spine.

The faceless man turned -

Smack. I gasped, a feeling of dread weighing me down as my mom slapped him. The man chuckled, tilting his head. "Oh, you'll regret that, you fucking bitch." He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, my mom dipping her chin.

He swung his arm, hitting my mom, and making her crumble to the soft, dewy grass. A blood curdling scream pricked in my throat, but a hand covered my hand, muffling the scream.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt myself being pulled back, into a chest. "Stop," a small voice cooed. "It's me. It's me, Tarryn."

It was familiar. Safe. I looked up - into identical blue eyes that resembled my own.

I woke with a jolt, my forehead covered in a thin veil of cold sweat, heart pounding away so hard I was surprised it didn't wake up Carson or anyone else.
Why do I keep having this same dream?

Who was the person in my dream? One of my brothers? My sister? Josiah?

I shuddered, not understanding why I kept dreaming  the same thing, over and over again. The man terrified me, the one that threatened my mom, the one demanding her to bring out me ...  Who was he? What did he want with me?

My heart pounded in my chest, feeling like it would burst at any second. I couldn't calm down. I managed to turn, glancing at the time: 4:09am, yet I felt as awake as if I'd just had seventeen cups of coffee. But also just as sick as if I'd had seventeen cups of coffee. I pushed myself out of bed, thighs and feet shaking whey I realized I could hardly feel the floor. Pins and needles shot through my body as I stumbled to the kitchen sink, trying not to fall.

Somehow, I managed to reach the bathroom across from my bedroom, tripping over my own feet just a few times.

When I reached the counter I gripped it tightly. I felt like I was dying, and my mouth was so dry it felt full of cotton. I reached for a glass nearby, and when I lifted it to the sink I became even more aware of just how much I were shaking. the glass was practically vibrating in my hand.

"Fuck, fuck," I whispered. "You're okay, it's okay," but of course it wasn't okay. I was having - well, I wasn't sure - a total and complete nervous breakdown? A heart attack? Whatever it was - I couldn't breathe and there was a pressing pain in my chest which I was having trouble deciphering. There was an empty glass on the counter and I gripped it tight, leaning down to turn on the tap with my other hand. I managed to fill half the glass with water before attempting to bring it to my lips, and I only got a few sips in before the glass slipped from my fingers and shattered in the sink. I started to cry and hyperventilate, desperately trying to talk myself out of whatever was happening.

"Tarryn?" June's soft voice flew through my ears way too quickly, and the suddenness of hearing her made my body swing around, legs catching on themselves as they started to slide down the cupboards, a hand rising to my chest as if trying to grip my heart. June reached out to me but the feeling of someone touching me felt like fire and I quickly shrugged away. "Hey, it's okay. I've got you, bubba."

Then I felt even more horrible about reacting that way - towards June of all people. "I'm sorry," I said through quick and shallow breaths. "I don't... I don't know what's wrong with me."

"What's going on?"

"I don't know."

"Well what can I -"

"I don't fucking know!" then June was quiet, and I threw my head into my hands. "I'm sorry, god, I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's okay, hey, it's okay," she said. I wrapped my arms around my legs and pressing my chin to my knees. "Do you want me to go?" she asked in a quiet and wary manner.

I tried to look at her but my vision was blurring. "I don't know," I choked out through another sob. But when June went to stand, I realized that's not what she wanted at all. "Don't, no!" I reached out to June, grabbed her wrist. She was trembling themselves - all because of me. it made me feel more horrible and I loosened my grip before letting my hand fall to the tile. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." My breathing was still incredibly quick and I almost felt like I was going to pass out. I looked over again and saw June crying and it made me feel like they were about to puke. "I'm scaring you," I noticed aloud.

June shook their head. "Not on purpose, I know that." I curled more into myself. "Tarryn, you need to breathe, okay? It'll go away if you just keep breathing." I started to try to take in deep and heavy breaths, which seemed to go against what their body wanted, but they did it anyway. "I'm not going anywhere," June reminded and she dropped to her knees beside me. "Breathe, bubba."

She wrapped her arms around me, slowly until her arms were a tight cocoon. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you," she apologized, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears. Tears slipped down her cheeks and I felt my heart flutter.

"W-why? W-why weren't y-you?" I asked, knowing I might get more from her than my brothers. "I-I've been worried."

"Don't worry about me," she whispered, shaking her head. "I'm okay, or I will be."

"Y-you're hiding s-something."

"I told you not to worry, Tarryn. It's none of your business," she snapped, and I winced at how cold she sounded. "I'm sorry, bub ... I -"

"What's going on?"

Our heads snapped up and I met the eyes of Ivan and Carson. They looked at me with concern. Moments later, our brother knelt in front of me. "Tarryn, your hand. Jesus," he swore, taking my forearms to haul me up and out of June's arms. Blood ran from it and I realized I must have cut it on the glass. "Ivan, can you take June back to her room?"

"I don't need a fucking babysitter, Carson," June hissed, scrambling to stand, her hands warding off Ivan and his attempts to take her arm.

"June, go back to bed," our brother warned.

"Carson-"

He whipped his head towards her, eyes darkening. "June, do it. Now."  June huffed and let our grandfather lead her out of the bathroom,

"You're having a panic attack," I heard Carson, but his voice felt miles away. I couldn't speak, couldn't move. The pounding in my head grew louder, traveling to my ears, thrumming.

At some point, Skyler's face floated in my line vision.

I think I'm dying.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

"Tarryn?" Carson called to me as his footsteps grew closer to the bathroom. His voice was more clearer. I looked down, blood covering my arm and pjs. "Go to bed, Sky. I can handle this."

What will I wear now?

"I'll grab a shirt of mine and some shorts from June," Skyler said, as if reading my mind. Or did I say it aloud?

"Okay, thanks."

I tried to stand up, managing to make it to my feet despite how the world spun, my brothers voices an echo warning me to stay down. I was holding my chest like it was beating out of my chest, and I felt like I was right in the middle of a war zone. "Bubba, talk to me," my oldest brother tried, his arms wide, ready to catch me if I fell. "Tell me what's going on."

"I can't, I can't," I huffed out between short bursts of air. I winced and tears slid down my cheeks. "I don't know what's happening. I'm... I'm dying. I... shit, oh god." I lost their hold on the wall and started to fall. Carson caught me and guided me to the ground, collapsing to the floor with me, his back against the wall. "I can't breathe," I continued. "I'm sorry, god I'm sorry."

I was practically horizontal on the ground now, my head nearly in Carson's lap. He started rubbing circles on my back. "I know it's hard," he said, "and that it feels impossible, but you have to breathe, Tarryn. Please."

I only whimpered and shook my head in response. "I can't, I'm sorry."

"Hey, look at me, okay? Look at me." Carson took ahold of my chin and guided my gaze so we were looking at each other. "Focus on your breathing, okay? Make it slow, one.. two.. three. That's it."

I kept my eyes on Carson as he kept rubbing circles on my back, taking in deep exaggerated breaths as if to show me what to do. Finally, I managed to slow my breathing, to stop hyperventilating. My brother held me in his arms, adjusting his hold. "There you go," he murmured. "You're doing great. it's almost over now."

Somehow, I calmed down with the help of my brother. He lead me back to my bedroom after cleaning and bandaging my hand. "Here, sit down, I've got you."

I collapsed onto the bed, bouncing a little. It did not help my spinning head at all. I focused on a spot on the floor, a knot in the wood. Carson had been watching with a careful eye, wanting to say something but not knowing how or what. Then there was a small moment, just something seemingly meaningless where I began pulling at my hair. I started losing my breath again, apologizing to the empty air, tears in my eyes.

I am losing control.

Carson pulled my hands down, stopping me from yanking my hair out. "hey," he said calmly, squeezing my hands gently. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

I took in a slow and deep breath, shuddering as I did, then let it out. "I don't know," I let out, more tears welling up in my eyes. "I don't know, I just... I just can't..." there was something on my lips but too afraid to speak it. Carson just frowned and looked down. "I can't talk about it," I whispered.

"That's okay," he said. "You don't have to, but if you do, I'm here. or if you want to talk about something else as a distraction, I'm here for that too. I'm just here, okay?"

I looked back up, bottom lip trembling, every part of me still trembling. I looked into his eyes and saw only love and compassion and it was overwhelming. I took in another quick bursts of air before burying my face into his chest. It was all so sudden and it took only a few seconds for him to tighten his arms around my trembling form. "It's okay, it's okay. I've got you, I'm here. I'm here."

+++

Thoughts on this chapter?

What do you think of Rhea?

What about June? What's going on with her?

Tarryn will be more reunited with Josiah in the next chapter, I promise. Thank you for reading. Stay safe out there - Charlie 🧡