On my own, pretending he's beside me.

All alone I walk with him 'til morning.

Without him.

I feel his arms around me.

And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver.

All the lights are misty in the river.

In the darkness the trees are full of starlight.

And all I see is him and me forever and forever.

And I know it's only in my mind; that I am talking to myself and not to him.

And although I know that he is gone still I say there's a way for us.

I love him but when the night is over he is gone.

The river's just a river.

Without him the world around me changes.

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.

I love him.

And every day I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending.

Without me his world will go on turning,

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known.

I loved him... but only on my own.

.

.

.

.

My eyes are eventually pulled open by the light that tears me from my dreamless sleep. I think the only reason I was able to find such a thing was because I had gone three days without it.

I don't see anything yet. But I feel my legs ache. And when I move my arm it begins to throb. I feel the muscles tense in my face as my bruised fingers find the satin sheets. They stretch over a cold palm and lace with lifeless fingers.

My vision is blurred but I see grey and colors of light wood as sun fills Legolas's chamber. I can hardly move my head, as the days without eating or drinking weigh down on me.

I haven't moved since I got here, I haven't left his side.

It must me close to midday but I don't lift my head to make sure, knowing I would have to check out the window and that means looking over his face again, probably causing me to continue crying-if I had any tears left.

My thumb feels his smooth skin as I clutch his fingers.

"Lady Vilora," an angelic voice says behind me softly.

A feminine hand is placed on my shoulder. "You must eat," she says.

I look into the concerned eyes of Arwen above me.

"I'm not leaving," I start with a croaked, strained voice.

"Vilora..." she says. "If you wait any longer you too will die."

"Then so be it."

She takes my shaking hand. "I will not let that happen."

She pulls me to my feet and escorts me from the room, my eyes not daring to look back.

I keep my gaze on the ground... until we arrive at the dining halls. I can sense there are people there but they don't mingle... they don't speak.

Arwen gathers a few things for me when I don't seem willing. But a voice gets my attention when it says my name.

An embrace takes me, a friendly, but worried one.

I finally look up into the face of Niniliath.

"Thank the stars you're alive," she breathes.

I look rather dazed and I don't really focus on her face. My eyes blur and my head feels light. I can't smile at her. I can't even fake one.

"Can you believe it's finally over?" she doesn't seem thrilled, but how could she? There must have been so many of her kin that died. But she seems relieved that no more will.

I think she detects that there is something wrong, for I look utterly depressed (a fragment of what I feel on the inside). I know I can no longer be happy. Not now. Not again. But I try not to think, as that will only lead to more tears, even if my body is completely deprived of water.

She looks sympathetic. "Are you alright?" she seems serious now.

"Yes," I lie. "But I'm not so sure about..."

She frowns.

As the thoughts flood back I feel a burning behind my eyes. The worry that I feel shows, especially to an elf.

"I know..." she whispers. "Many were lost... It is hard for me to think I could be at peace again..."

I shut my eyes.

"My lady," I hear Arwen say and I turn to look over at the ground at her feet.

She hands me some water and a round piece of bread.

I take it gently and walk over to a vacant area far from anyone. I sit down on the ground, holding my knees close to me and stare out at nothing. I sit there like that, muting my ears from noises of anything else. I look down at my water in the silver goblet, showing the reflection of my dirty face. I finally see the little girl from London. I see her worn skin, her red eyes stained with tears, and her constantly slouched eyebrows. I see the death again... internally.

I don't feel like drinking water. I don't feel like eating. But I know Arwen and the others will force me to so I gulp down the water quickly into my empty stomach, sending moisture into my dry flesh.

I take small bites of my bread as I try to cloud my brain with any distracting thoughts. But it is confused and I can't focus on anything... except when I can focus on nothing. I sit still for hours, the time flying by without even realizing it...

They day is spent like that... filled with nothing... until I eventually fall asleep.

                                                                        . 

.

.

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.

.

.

I cannot tell if I'm awake or asleep. All I can think and feel is pain and darkness, and as I'm laying there by him a song from my past comes to mind, the song always used to make me cry but... I remember Ry always used to hug me and tell me everything was okay and that he wasn't going anywhere. The more I think of the words, the more sorrowful I return to. I begin to feel tears streaming down my face when it begins playing in repeat in my head. I shut my eyes and try to turn them off. I keep hearing the words again and again I can't make them stop. And the fact that they are so fitting now, breaks every inch of my soul...

"I dreamed a dreamed and time gone by,

when hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

...

But the tigers come at night,

with there voices soft as thunder,

as they tear your hope apart,

as they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side.

He filled my days with endless wonder.

He took my childhood lead a stride,

but he was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream he'll come to me

that we would live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." 

.

I shut my eyes again and clutch onto my husband's hand, hearing the short high breathes choke from my throat as I let the salty water fall.

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.

.

.

There are a few days of grey skies and thunder. Not in the world but in my very body. I walk around the city of Rivendell only when I am forced to move. I leave the bedside where I belong... and I roam idly, looking but not seeing...

Niniliath made me take a bath and change into fresh clothes. I didn't even realize what I had put on when I did.

It's night I think. Even though it seems like always nightfall.

The moon is covered with clouds, sending the landscape around me with a grey darkness. The mountains look eerie instead of beautiful, scary and dark.

The breeze flows on my cold skin and I finally take a deep breath.

I spend a few days like this, walking around but speaking to no one, as the words from the song continue in my ears:

"When dreams were made and used... and wasted.

There was no ransom to be paid,

No song un-sung, no wine un-tasted.

..."

"I dreamed a dream..." I hear again. "Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Leaves from the Aspin trees flow through the air and around my numb fingers. The wind moans in the sky, as if the whole world is in mourning. I shut my eyes and keep the lump in my throat at bay.

It's dangerous to be alone with my thoughts. I have to go, talk to someone, distract myself from this pain. I left Legolas's side because I couldn't take it. I couldn't stare at his face anymore. It killed me inside, if I was still alive.

Elrond is in there now I believe, to check up on him perhaps... though there is nothing to check... I won't believe in a fairy tale.

I walk to the dining hall where others are eating the midday meal. Dwarves, elves, men, and hobbit are here. And I see Nin there, eating alone.

I walk to her and sit down.

She seems surprised when her eyes meet mine. "Wasn't expecting to see you here," she says.

"Neither was I," I reply plainly.

"How are you?"

I look up at her.

She closes her mouth and looks down, nodding just slightly.

"Can we talk about something please?" I say suddenly.

She nods again and then squints. "Have you eaten today?"

I clench my jaw and shake my head.

She takes an apple from the platter to her left and hands it to me.

I look down at the fruit and linger with it in my fingers.

"Eat Vil. You're getting thin."

"I am?" I frown and look at my arms. She's right. "When are you leaving?"

"Not until I make sure you don't kill yourself. I want you to be under my nose."

I look up at her. Does she know what happened?

Though she must and she looks at me in a way that reassures me of this but wants to speak of something else. "And when you're ready to come home."

I hadn't even thought about Mirkwood.

"Unless you have found a way to get back to your... old home..."

"No," I mutter, looking at the apple I have now taken a bite of. "I have no intention of going back to London any time soon."

She seems surprised that I said this. And she would have questioned it if I had not said it so sternly, and surely.

"You know you are welcome in the Woodland Realm always," she teases a smile at me.

I take another bite of my apple.

                                                                                  .

.

As I walk around the city I stare down at my feet. The whole area is vacant... But there at the balcony ahead stands Thranduil with his back turned, wearing nothing on his flowing blonde hair but dressed in his silver robes, though this time only one layer besides the trousers and boots of course.

I walk out into the sunlight slowly... I run over to where he stands, my bare feet clutching stone. I throw my arms around him as the lump in my throat returns. He is surprised but is used to this sudden embrace that I use. I am so short that if he turned his head his chin would rest on my hair.

My cheek is against his shoulder. "You saved my life..." I whisper shakily.

"And you saved mine."

"No I did not... Elrond did... God did... I did nothing." I let go of him.

I feel his hand at my cheek.

I look up at his eyes, a genuine person staring back into mine, feeling what does not make me remember the king, but the elf as he is. He shakes his head, an appreciation in his gaze as his hand takes my head and pulls me back into his shoulder, wrapping his other arm around me. I pull mine up to his back, my fingers feeling his long hair.

I breathe slowly, trying to keep the burning from my eyes back. I bury my face in his robe, a tear slipping down the fabric.

"Will you come back home with us?" he asks casually but quietly...

I finally let a slight smile, or a hint of one find my lips. "As soon as Legolas is better," I spit out without thinking... realizing what I said is not even logical and not what I believe. It's denial. And that fact crushes me like when Éowyn tried to talk to her uncle when he was cursed, as if he was his normal self...

I feel his hand tremble at my head and I close my eyes...

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Thranduil has spent the rest of the day in Legolas's chamber and at night when I walk in quietly he is there sleeping in a chair by his bedside, an open book on the floor before him that fell off his lap... I turn and leave him alone.

      .

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The next day I am walking down the bridge, a breeze blowing back my light hair and the sleeves of my dress. I hear a distant voice and I look back towards the city. A woman with auburn colored hair and a grey dress; Niniliath, gasps when an elf comes from his room, one that I also recognize. She hugs him tightly and speaks in elvish. I believe she says, "You're alive and awake," with a deep breath.

The dark haired mellon wraps his arm around her and they stay that way. I let a small smile come to my mouth as I feel glad for her, and for Kel.

Something hits me at the side. I grunt and look down to see the young hobbit Samwise in front of me. He looks up at me, startled as he was in a hurry. "Oh my lady," he stutters. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright Sam," I smile. "Where are you going in such a rush?"

"To see Mr. Frodo. I'm going to check if he is awake yet." His brown eyes show innocence and concern for his friend.

"Oh Frodo, he's alive?"

"Yes my lady, thanks to Gandalf we both are..."

I follow him up to Frodo's chamber in the hospital wing. There I see Gandalf pacing the floor, the young hobbit lying in the wooden bed under the white sheets, his face sick but clean from dirt and his eyes shut still, sleeping.

I approach the bedside to look at the tiny ring bearer as he lies there. I frown and lift his collar aside to reveal the red scars around his neck where he wore the chain...

"He was near death when I found him," Gandalf says to me once Sam leaves, concerned for the sensitive little halfling.

I look up at him. "Where was he?"

"On the black plains under a large stone. He had been stabbed I believe, on his way back."

"Again? Poor thing..."

"Yes," he mutters, putting in his pipe. "But he is safe now... Thanks to Lord Elrond who healed him..."

"What would we have done without him?" I whisper to him.

He nods slowly, blowing the thin smoke from his lips.

I sit down with Gandalf and speak to him for a little while until I hear tiny feet in the room. I look over my shoulder to see Merry and Pippin come in. and for the first time the two of them are not smiling. Pippin walks to Frodo's bedside and Merry looks down at the stone floor.

I look back at my fingers in silence. After a few minutes the wizard gets up from the table and leaves the room quietly.

I stare out over the mountains from where I sit... but then I stand to my feet and turn around, walking over to Merry who has he palms planted on a table, leaning into it and shutting his eyes.

"He'll be alright," I say to him quietly.

He breathes. "Is it finally over? Is the suffering done? Or will more people die?" He opens his eyes and looks up at me.

I look down. "Sauron is gone. If there are any other threats I do not know. I have only been here for a few months." I place a hand on his shoulder. "Do not fret young Meriadoc. I can assure you, the four of you are safe. And the world is at peace. You have done a great thing for your people."

"Not as great as you." He hints a joking grin.

I hold back a smile. "I have only done what I could for all of you. And I was blessed to get to."

He thinks for a moment. "I am happy that he's safe." He looks back at Frodo. "He is one of my very best friends. I am glad to know him."

"He is very fond of you three as Pip has said. You all are lucky to have one another."

He smiles just a little in thought. "When we were just lads, we would get into such trouble. Frodo was always the one to get us out of it. Sam would be the one to tell us it wasn't a good idea in the first place... Those days were so long ago."

"You'll see them again, little Shireling. Perhaps not the very same ones but you will live in peace once more."

"Home... we get to go back?" he breathes.

"Sound strange?"

"Yes... I mean what do we do now?" he looks up at me.

"Peace is hard to get used to... if you have lived a hard life... When I first got here the king of Mirkwood treated me like royalty... I had never been accustomed to such ways of living. But you learn to enjoy it... and to cherish it."

His eyes squint just a bit to hint a smile.

The room becomes quiet again... for a while... until I hear a distant woman's cry... a weeping.

I frown and walk to the open doorway, placing my palm on the soft carved wood around the archway. The sound can be heard to the right of me so when I look I see a dark room and empty besides the woman who kneels in the corner, her back turned. She has long golden hair that flows down her back and she wears a white dress. I had not even noticed that she was in Rivendell with us.

I am about to walk up to the room but I hesitate. A hand takes my arm and I look into the face of King Théoden who stops me from bothering his daughter.

"What's wrong-?" I begin to ask very quietly.

But he shushes me gently and leads me to the circular overlook on top of the waterfall. He turns his back from me and rests his hands on the balcony railing of stone.

"My lord?" I question softly.

"It's Éomer..." he breathes.

I feel my face show worry. "Is he alright?"

"...He did not make it."

The pit where my heart once was is stabbed. The light that maybe would have been there because the happiness I felt for the others who had survived, the other ones that I love had given me hope to move on.

But this... Éomer saved our lives countless times... He protected us when he knew his death was near... but I did not know...

He was my friend...

I don't stand there any longer but leave quietly without another word.

My bare feet walk on stone and soon begin to run, as I make my way across the bridge past a couple other elves, my vision blurring, my hands shaking, my eyes burning.

I collapse by the tiny river where I spent the days before the war when I was here in Rivendell with my feet in the water; a secret little peaceful area.

I feel my face show pain and my throat swell up. I bury my face in my legs, wrapping my arms around my knees. I let the warm salty water flow down my face and drip off the tip of my nose after it leaves a wet trail on my skin.

Memories flood my thoughts of the day we celebrated after the battle of Helm's Deep. I remember holding his hand as we attempted to dance, laughing and spinning around like fools. All I can see now are his deep cinnamon eyes, that smug grin, his long messy, dirty blonde hair, and his deep but pleasant laugh.

He was the first person to talk to me at Edoras other than Éowyn. He saved my life. If it were not for him I would be dead... I would be gone like so many others. He deserves to live more than I... he does.

I feel a hand on my back, a soft hand. But when my back moves just slightly the hand is gone. It was not really there... and the voice that whispers in my ear is not real either. But it says, "Do not cry. He is with me."

I look down at the tiny black cross on my wrist, running my tear stained finger over it carefully. I form my hand into a fist and hold my wrist close to my chest. I know I might not have a heart anymore, but God is still in it. And he always will be. I know now what I must do. I must live for others; I must live for Him.

But the sorrow doesn't leave. I wish this hadn't happened... Why couldn't I have saved him? Is this my fault?

I shut my eyes and continue silently crying...

                                                                                                                  .

.

.

It is dark now. I missed dinner. But I had lunch so I don't care. I couldn't possibly be hungry.

I sit here with my head against my arms that sit on my knees. My fingers are partially numb, along with my bum. But I don't move. I am almost in such a trance of nothingness that I am asleep... but part of my mind is awake, and screaming.

I stare at the black behind my eyelids. I can't even hear anything around me. My thoughts fill my head... and yet I feel nothing.

Until my environment changes. I feel a hand, a real one, on my right shoulder. I sniff and lift my head up from my arm, looking to the left of me to see my good friend, my only father figure I have had.

He looks into my eyes with pity. I assume that I look like a puppy now, as they say I look when I'm sad.

But his eyes pierce mine and I look down once more. "Éomer is gone..." I say with a scratchy voice that hides tears.

He doesn't respond.

"He was a good friend of mine..."

He adjusts himself so that he's sitting in the grass by me and wraps his other arm around me, letting me rest my head on his chest as his cheek sits on the top of my head.

I let one more tear fall when the thought of him comes back, having to swallow away the rock that formed in my throat.

"It saddens my soul to see you in such a state, dear one," he says quietly, in almost a whisper.

"All my life I never let anyone be close to me... and when I finally did.... They were taken..."

"Not all whom you hold dear have gone... Thus reminds me that Captain Willow was looking for you."

"Nin?" I lift my head and look into his eyes that are six inches from mine.

He nods just slightly. "She has been worried about you."

"Why does she always worry?" I ask myself.

He twitches a frown. "Because she loves you, child. She told me days ago that you were her most trusted friend. After you left for Isengard such a ling time ago she seemed so sorrowful. And she would not speak after you left us for Rivendell later on."

"And I should be glad that she survived... this is true. I'm glad that you both did." I place my hand on his opposite shoulder and rest my head on the one closest to me.

His hand is still around my arm. And the opposite one comes up to gently brush my hair behind my ear. I feel his soft fingers as they linger on my skin.

.

THRANDUIL GREENLEAF:

.

I close my eyes and breathe subtly. My hand slides down to her arm.

The child clings to me there. I realize then what this life would have been like if I had lost her in the war. This gentle soul. What would I be doing now? Grieving the loss of both my little leaves... As I think about this my hand tightens on her shoulder. She is torn, I know this. But perhaps I can make her smile again if I try.

I decide to talk with her, like a friend would. I do not realize how much I say... how much I have not said to any soul besides my family. But she is my family now.

She gets me to tell all about my life. Finally I think she knows I am willing to release the truths... and the history.

Stories and past thoughts are shared in the moonlight... until her head is lying on my thigh just above my knee. Like a small child she closes her eyes as we speak and eventually she falls into a sleep there.

I place a hand on her head, feeling the touch of her silky hair under my palm, and smile.

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