You're dead. Accept it. I'll make you a cuppa.

The Mighty Boosh

The next morning, Julian is discharged from his House of Healing. The clothes that he arrived in have been washed and ironed, and his boots polished until they look like new, so he can change out of his pyjamas.

Julian checks the pockets of his jeans, but they are empty. His wallet, the keys to his share flat, a few loose coins for phone calls, and a crumpled up receipt from the bar at the comedy club where he last performed are no longer there. It seems you really can't take it with you. 

The only thing he finds is the business card from the taxi driver who transported him to the Waystation in the breast pocket of his shirt - presumably taken out and replaced when his clothes were laundered.  

"I would have liked to keep you here longer, as I'm not completely satisfied with your progress," Mary tells him. There is a slight furrow on her brow. "However, wiser heads than mine have prevailed."

Mary busies herself with some small task for a moment, and there is a bit of irritable clattering while she does it, before she turns back to him.

"The Head Healer has decreed that I have done everything possible for you physically, and that any problems you are experiencing, such as the ongoing fatigue, are caused by emotional or spiritual damage due to the challenging nature of your death. They believe you are most likely to recover from it by leading as normal an Afterlife as possible, and that you need to be discharged in order to prepare for your assessment."

She closes her eyes, and pauses, as if she has been repeating a disagreeable lesson, before continuing with more animation.

"However, I must ask ask that you treat yourself ... not as an invalid, but treat yourself well. Try to get plenty of sleep each night, don't overdo things physically, and be careful with your diet. I know what most people do when they first arrive here – they eat and drink like there's no tomorrow. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself, but everything in moderation."

Julian promises to be careful, then Mary hands him a small dark green glass bottle with a rubber stopper.

"I'd like you to take these drops as well. Two drops, under the tongue, as soon as you wake up in the morning. Then every three hours throughout the day, and once more before bedtime. The instructions are written on the bottle so you can't forget."

She still seems perturbed at letting Julian leave, so he says, "I'll remember all your advice. Thank you, Mary. If I was alive, I think you would have saved my life. As it is, you've saved my – well, I don't know what, but you've saved it."

She gives a small smile before saying, "That's a very nice thing to say, Julian. I have tried to do my duty as your Healer, now you must become your own Healer. Be kind to yourself, Julian, dear."

Mary clasps his hands lightly in farewell, before handing him his discharge papers. He shows them at the front desk.

"Thank you, sir. That's all in order," the registrar says, rubberstamping them efficiently. "You're free to leave for your accommodation now."

Julian suddenly realises he has no idea how to get to The Wayfarer's Arms. He is about to ask at the front desk, when he remembers the card in his breast pocket.

"Would you be able to call this number for me?" he asks, handing the business card over.

"Of course, sir. I'd be happy to get you a cab," the registrar says, before making the call, and pointing to the taxi rank outside the front doors.

It isn't long before Phil arrives to pick Julian up, saying, "Nice to see you again, me old china. I say, you're looking a fair treat now, guv. You were a sight for sore eyes when I first sees you. Where to, squire? Wayfarer's Arms? That's in Shepherd's Wood. Know it well, squire."

Julian looks curiously out the window as the taxi drives slowly down the gravelled driveway of the House of Healing and onto a country lane lined with hedges. 

The Houses of Healing are set in a rural location, surrounded by trees and fields, each House having its own extensive grounds. It is a warm, still morning, and Julian can hear wood doves cooing through the open windows.

"Nice, ain't it?" Phil says, gesturing at the passing landscape. "Always think it's so tranquil here."

"Yes, it's very quiet," Julian agrees. "I suppose that's so people can rest ... er, heal in peace."

"We're on Wayfarer's Road now," Phil says, having turned the taxi when they reached a crossroads. "Be there in a shake of a duck's tail."

Not very many ducks have been shaken before the taxi pulls up. The Wayfarer's Arms is a white-painted, thatch-roofed, ivy-covered, old-fashioned country inn, with diamond-paned windows and baskets of pink petunias hanging from ironwork hooks on the walls.

Julian immediately likes it, and he likes his room once he unlocks the door with the heavy silver key he has been given. It's small but cosy, with a big brass bed covered in a floral bedspread, an antique writing desk, cushioned window seat, and views of the lawns and gardens.

When he checks the wardrobe and drawers, he's glad to see they're full of fresh new clothes and shoes, as he doesn't fancy the idea of wearing the clothes he died in. Being tall and lanky, long-legged and stoop-shouldered, Julian has always found it hard to find suitable clothing, but when he gets changed, everything fits him as perfectly as if it had been personally tailored.

There is a velvet box on the bedside table, and when he opens it, a silver wristwatch is inside. He puts it on, remembering that he needs to time his medication from Mary, and that reminds him to take two drops.

Julian's hardly had a chance to throw himself on the bed to try out the blissfully comfortable mattress before the phone beside it rings.

"Hello? Noel?" Julian stammers, before saying, "Uh, I mean, this is Room 33."

"Good morning, squire. This is Colin at the front desk. There's a geezer to see you in the reception area downstairs."

"Please be Noel, please be Noel," Julian says under his breath as he goes downstairs, only to find Marcus waiting for him.

"Oh. Hello," Julian says, his disappointment palpable.

"Good morning, Julian," Marcus says with an understanding smile. "I wanted to make sure you'd found your accommodation. Is everything to your satisfaction?"

"Thank you, yes. Everything's perfect," Julian says, remembering his manners with an effort.

"They're taking good care of you? If you need anything, just ask at the front desk."

"That's right, squire," Colin pipes up from his post. "Call the front desk, day or night, and I'll sort it out for you, guv."

"Thank you."

Marcus looks at his watch, and says, "It's just gone midday. Would you care to join me for lunch somewhere?"

Before Julian can answer, Colin calls out, "'Scuse me listening in, lads, but my Pauline does a lovely bit of battered cod, and what she don't know about chips ain't worth knowing. You're more'n welcome to eat at the restaurant here, gents."

"That sounds wonderful, Colin," Marcus says. "Shall we get a table outside, Julian?"

And before Julian knows it, he's sitting across from Marcus in the sunshine, with Pauline bringing their meal. She's a plump blonde whose ordinary features are suffused with the beauty of her kindness and generosity. 

Pauline slides plates of fish and chips onto the table, saying, "There you go, my loves. Battered cod, chipped potatoes fried in beef dripping, and mushy peas. Enjoy your meal, gents."

They thank her, then she says, "And how are you gentlemen doing today? Keeping well?"

"Oh ... I think I'm still adjusting to the Afterlife," Julian says, the truth feeling forced out of him.

Pauline clucks her tongue sympathetically. "I can see you're one who takes it a bit hard, my love. I'll make you a cuppa."She leaves them with a tray of condiments, and departs.

"Salt and pepper? Vinegar? Tartare sauce? Lemon slice?"Marcus offers, before picking up his cutlery and saying, "I thought this might be a good opportunity for us to talk some more about your assessment. Do you have any questions for me?"

Julian salts his chips, and takes a cautious bite of one. It is delicious beyond belief. "Well, I suppose I'd like to know what might happen to me after the assessment. For example, if they assess me as going Sideways, how would I actually ... go Sideways?"

"You're given a ticket, and leave from the Wayfarer's Bus Station," Marcus replies, beginning on his fish. "Your ticket will tell you at which bus stop to get off – there are seven stops – and you'll be met by your new Case Worker, who will assist you from there. It's then that you will begin working towards going Forward in earnest."

"And if I get sent back to Earth for another lifetime, how would that work, exactly?"

"You would return to your accommodation here, and get into bed. Within less than an hour, you would fall asleep, and in that sleep transition from death back to life again, being reborn in the womb of a woman who is just about to give birth. And your new life would begin. There's absolutely nothing to fear."

"But I wouldn't remember anything about being Julian? Or remember being here, and meeting you, and Mary, and ... um, Colin?"

Marcus shakes his head. "No. Your mind is wiped clear, like a blank slate, so you can begin afresh. Your soul might remember, but your mind will be starting from scratch."

"How many ... how many times have I already gone through this process?"

"Your last lifetime was your nineteenth," Marcus says casually, eating a chip.

"Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown," Julian mutters to himself, before asking, "Is nineteen a lot? Shouldn't I have got it figured it out after nineteen times?"

"Some of my clients have had hundreds of lifetimes and still haven't figured it out," Marcus says. "I admit, sometimes I get a little frustrated that they're not ready to even go Sideways after that many attempts. However, this isn't a race or a contest – you will all get to the same place. In the end."

"How many lives did you have?"

"Six," Marcus tells him. "I last left the Earth more than three hundred years ago. In my last life, I was a philosophy professor in Prague, with a special interest in natural law and metaphysics. And we share something in common - I lost my life in a boating accident. We both drowned."

"So how did you end up getting stuck here?" Julian asks curiously. "I mean, people get sent Forward, or Sideways, or Back – what about all the people who are still at the Waystation?"

"Oh, I've been Forward," Marcus says. "I went Forward, and studied in the Halls of Learning. I also taught in the Halls of Learning for many years, but volunteered to return to the Waystation, in order to assist others."

"Wow," Julian says, stunned. "You've been Forward? You've sacrificed ... well, Heaven, to help people like me?"

"I don't think of it as a sacrifice," Marcus says. "I know the beauty and joy of going Forward, and I want everyone to get there as soon as possible. I couldn't fully delight in being Forward, knowing that there are so many others still struggling on their journey. I love living and working at the Waystation – I'm happy and fulfilled, doing the best I possibly can to help. For me, it's all part of my experience of going Forward."

"And everyone here – Mary, Phil, Colin, Pauline – they've all been Forward, and worked and studied, then come to the Waystation to heal people and drive taxis and run hotels and cook?"

"That's right. There's many important jobs to do here, and we all try to make the Waystation as beautiful and compassionate as we can, to give people just a little taste of Forward, as an encouragement to them to keep working towards their goal. How does that make you feel, Julian?"

"Humbled," Julian says honestly.

"Good. Humility is the first step towards going Forward," Marcus smiles. "I should know – I took a lot of humbling before I could begin my journey. But I got there eventually, and so will you."

Julian messes around with a bit of food left on his plate, before asking, "Colin and his wife Pauline both work here. Is it normal for husbands and wives to volunteer together?"

"Pauline isn't Colin's wife, Julian," says Marcus. "She's his soulmate. And yes – soulmates want to work near each other, if that's possible. Part of the joy of living Forward is knowing and loving your soulmate."

"Back on Earth, people sometimes talked about having married their soulmate," Julian mumbles.

Marcus gives a wry smile. "It's not possible to know who your soulmate is on Earth," he said. "A soulmate can only be recognised once both of you go Forward and meet there."

"Is it always someone you know?"

"Nearly always," Marcus says carefully. "But rarely is it the person you expect. Many a person has waited to meet their beloved spouse in Heaven, then discovered their soulmate is a dear friend, a wise teacher, or the doctor who once saved their life."

"Do you have a soulmate here?" Julian asks, before blushing and stumbling over his words. "Sorry if that's rude to ask."

"Not at all, perfectly natural question," Marcus assures him. "Yes, Mary Gideon and I are soulmates. We met in several lives, but only truly knew each other when we went Forward, and I love her beyond all measure. You probably think Mary is a beautiful woman, but her physical loveliness is far surpassed by the beauty of her mind, heart, and spirit."

Julian thinks Marcus and Mary are a good match – they are both very intelligent and serious. He asks Marcus if it would be inappropriate to send Mary flowers for being his Healer, and is told she would love it.

"It's amazing how little thanks Healers actually get, Julian."

Julian murmurs something appreciative about the House of Healing, and then Marcus says with difficulty, "I wonder ... your ... er, friend ... Noel, I think you said? You were in the garden with him. Did you ... did you meet for the first time there?"

"Yeah, we did," Julian says. "But the weird thing is, he sort of already knew me. He used to go to my gigs. He was going to talk to me after my last one, but we missed each other ... and then, well, we arrived here."

"Ah, so you actually first connected on Earth, when Noel enjoyed your comedy," Marcus said, his face clearing. "That's ... that's good to hear."

Julian doesn't really understand, but says sadly, "I keep thinking, if only we'd met then ... things might have been different."

Julian waits for Marcus to tell him he shouldn't have been such a bloody fool then, but instead he says, "The Waystation is all about things being different, Julian. Just being here is a sign that things will change for you, and you should be open to new experiences. Stay hopeful, Julian. Ah, and here's Pauline with our tea."

Before he leaves, Marcus speaks to Colin at the front desk.

"Just reminding Colin to take good care of you," Marcus says with a mysterious smile, then wishes Julian farewell.