19. The Art of Loving

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last 'til the end of time

Ewan McColl

**Warning for very mild sexual content in this chapter**

Noel leads Julian to the sofa, sitting him down, then straddling his lap. 

"I'm really happy you're my soulmate," Noel whispers, before leaning in and kissing Julian, slow and tender.

"I'm ecstatic about it," Julian murmurs, pulling his fingers through Noel's hair, sliding his tongue into his mouth.

This is wrong, Julian thinks.

"It isn't wrong," Noel says. "It's our last night here, and I want to be with you. I want us to share our bodies without limits, like real soulmates."

"You're too perfect," Julian says weakly, gliding his fingers over Noel's collarbone, pressing kisses to all the bare skin he can find. "You're too beautiful, inside and out. How am I meant to resist you?"

"You don't," Noel smiles, leaning forward to kiss the point between Julian's shoulder and neck.

Julian arches his back, and feels Noel rubbing against him. It's unbearable, the pleasure and the sweetness of Noel, and the voice in his head telling him, It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong. You're not being honest, Noel deserves the truth.

"Um, Noel?" Julian says. "Is it alright if we talk? There's something I need to tell you."

"Alright, Joo'n," Noel agrees. "You tell me about it, and I'll listen."

He slowly grinds himself against Julian, gently nipping at his throat.

A big part of Julian wants to give in to temptation and give Noel everything he wants – which is everything Julian wants. He wants Noel, he needs him. But he loves Noel, and can't be with him under false pretences.

"Noel, don't touch me," Julian groans, pushing him off his lap.

Noel stiffens in shock and pulls away, sitting upright and pressing himself into the corner of the sofa, so that he and Julian are no longer touching, not even close together. He looks wounded.

"I'm sorry," he says, sounding mortified. "I won't touch you. We can talk, alright?"

"Noel, please don't look at me like that," Julian begs. "Of course I love you touching me. It's just that you're so beautiful I can't concentrate with you on top of me. I ... I don 't want to do the wrong thing."

He carefully takes Noel's hands in his own, stroking his thumbs over his skin, and twining their fingers together.

"Talk to me," Noel says, his voice filled with hurt.

"Noel, I love you," Julian begins. "I've never even said that to anyone else, but saying it you feels natural."

"I love you, too," Noel responds, squeezing Julian's fingers. "You're my soulmate."

"And you're mine. But Noel, I can't be with you properly because I've been dishonest with you since day one."

"It's not possible to lie here," Noel objects.

"I haven't lied, but I haven't told you the truth, either," Julian says with an effort. "Noel, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say, but ... Noel, I'm sorry, but I'm not going Forward."

There is a flash of anger over Noel's face, and he withdraws his hands from Julian's. When he speaks, his voice sounds hard.

"Not this shit again," he says in exasperation. "Nobody knows what the outcome of their assessment is going to be. I don't know. You don't know."

"I don't know the outcome, but I do know I'm not going Forward," Julian says steadily.

Noel stands up, now in an icy rage. He gestures to the window, to Mandala Park.

"Joo'n, did anyone ever tell you the four gates into the park? They're Hope, Faith, Love, and Celestial. That means you need to be hopeful, faithful, and loving to reach Forward. If you don't have any hope, then you're right. You won't go Forward. But even if you go Sideways, you'll get there one day, and if I go Forward before you, I'll be waiting for you. You can have faith in that, at least."

Julian bows his head in shame. This is even harder than he thought it would be. 

"Noel, I'm sorry. It's not a matter of being sent either Forward or Sideways. I'm most likely going back."

Noel is utterly still and silent before he says one word. 

"What?"

"According to my Case Worker, the judge will probably send me back to Earth," Julian says. "Marcus is working on getting me sent Sideways instead, but he admits it's going to be very difficult to convince the judge of that."

"This is bullshit," Noel says. "Why would they do that?"

There is a painful silence, and then Julian says, "Because I was responsible for my own death, Noel. I shortened my life, so there's a very good chance I'll be sent back, so that I can have the full life span I was meant to have."

"No," Noel whispers. "No."

"It's true," Julian says heavily, standing up so he can face Noel. "I was so depressed after my last gig, I threw myself into the lake at my uni."

"But why?" Noel demands. "Your gig was really good. You were brilliant."

"It didn't feel like it," Julian says. "I got heckled, and the last straw was that when I left, someone had scribbled something hateful on my posters."

"Everyone gets heckled," Noel argues. "You handled it pretty well. And what did they write?"

"Fuck off and die," Julian says, starting to shake slightly.

"So what, you just went ahead and fucking did it?" Noel says, getting angry again. "If they'd written that you bum people for small change, would you have done that instead?"

"I'm sorry, Noel," Julian says. "There were other factors involved, and I didn't understand the consequences ..."

"Oh my fucking God," Noel says in shock as something occurs to him. "Remember what Viv and Pete said? Soulmates die around the same time. You're my soulmate. I died because you did. You fucking killed me, you berk."

Noel picks up a paperback book from the coffee table, and throws it at Julian. He doesn't even duck, and gets The Joy of Forward in his face.

"Are you sure it wasn't a coincidence?" Julian asks, rubbing his cheek. "I mean, you'd been ill."

"I was getting better!" shouts Noel, throwing another book. "I was taking my medication, I was sticking to the diet. I was back at college. Everything was going good, and then I died!"

He hurls yet another book at Julian's head in a fury. Julian has now been struck with Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Going Forward But Were Too Meek to Ask, and I'm Blessed – You're Blessed. The last one is quite thick, and hits Julian on the top of the head.

"Noel, I'm so sorry," Julian says, feeling close to weeping. "Do you want me to leave? I can ask the hotel for a room, or I'll find another hotel. Or I'll ... I'll sleep in the park or something."

"No, don't go," Noel says, beginning to cry. "Don't make me spend my last night here without my soulmate."

Julian wraps his arms around Noel, pressing a kiss to his temple. The two stand entwined, holding each other, their very physical closeness helping Julian feel calmer. Noel burrows his head in the crook of Julian's neck.

"Can you ever forgive me, Noel?" Julian asks, gently lifting Noel's face to look into his eyes.

"There's nothing to forgive," Noel says. "You didn't know what would happen because you killed yourself. You didn't know I was your soulmate."

"I didn't know anyone was my soulmate," Julian says. "I'm not sure I even believed in them."

"And you must have been really unhappy to throw yourself into a lake," Noel says contritely. "I'm sorry I was such a tit about it."

"There's nothing to forgive," Julian says with a little smile, kissing Noel's cheek. "Believe me, I've done nothing but regret my decision ever since I got here. Being in the Afterlife gives you a wider perspective on things, but when I was on Earth, I only saw things in a very limited way. It's like how we couldn't see the rose pattern in the park while we were walking through it. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have done it."

"It brought us together, in a way that wouldn't have happened on Earth," Noel says at last. "But Joo'n, let's go to bed now, alright?"

"Sure. I'll just take my medicine," Julian says, reaching for his backpack.

∘•········ʚ ♡ ɞ ········•∘

Noel's bedroom is almost as large as the sitting room, dominated by a massive four-poster bed with pale blue hangings. They ignore the pyjamas provided for them, and strip themselves naked before getting between the crisp white linen sheets, feeling each other, skin to skin, touch to touch.

"That was our first fight," Julian says, his head on a soft fluffy pillow.

"I don't want to ever have another one," Noel says, facing him. "It felt awful, like I was being ripped apart."

"I actually thought I was having a heart attack," Julian says seriously. "I didn't think it was possible for your heart to hurt that much and not die."

"You're in the Afterlife, you berk, you can't get more dead," Noel smiles, before adding, "Sorry I threw books at you."

"I deserved worse," Julian says, softly stroking Noel's hair. "I was dishonest with you from the start."

"You told me the truth only about an hour after finding out we were soulmates," Noel says, snuggling into Julian.

He's so forgiving that Julian feels humbled and awed. 

"What do you think would've happened if we had met on Earth that night?" he asks, his hands slipping down to Noel's hips.

"I would've come over to talk to you after the gig, and asked to buy you a drink," Noel grins, spreading his fingers against Julian's chest. "Then you would've thought, who's this cheeky little titbox?"

Julian smiles, sliding his hands over Noel's back. 

"No, I wouldn't have. I would've tried to act all cool and sophisticated to impress you, but secretly I would've had a raging stiffy."

"There's no way you can keep that a secret," Noel teases, pushing himself into Julian so that their hips are together.

"Noel ..." Julian whines softly, but his arms become firmer around Noel, holding him close.

"Oh yeah, the whole room would know about this," Noel purrs, wrapping his arms around the back of Julian's neck, and pulling him in for a kiss.

Their kisses start slow, and sweet and tender, lips pressed against the other. Then they become harder, more intense, more passionate, their bodies striving to merge together.

This is wrong, says the voice in Julian's head.

"No it isn't, Joo'n," Noel insists. "It's the rightest thing that's ever happened since the universe began."

"This will make it harder on you if I ... if you have to go on alone," Julian says, trying to calm things down a bit. "You're going to remember this, but I won't."

"Joo'n, if this is the one night I get to spend with my soulmate, I want everything with you," Noel says desperately. "If all I get are memories, then give me something to remember."

"Oh, Noel," Julian says, unable to deny his soulmate any longer. "Yes. Yes. Anything you want is what I want too."

So they give themselves to each other, without limits, and the pleasure is overwhelming, the bliss indescribable. Their bodies become one body, their minds one mind, their hearts one heart, their souls one soul.

You're my Heaven, Julian thinks.

I'm yours, I'll always be yours, Noel thinks.

I love you, I love you, they both think at the same time.

Then there are no more words. They have gone beyond them, into a realm of pure love and perfect trust, such as only soulmates who have met in the Afterlife can ever know.

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