The sound of the shower woke me. My eyes stayed closed, and my body melted back to the warmth of the bed as I waited to hear the bang of a shampoo bottle tumbling to the shower floor, but instead, the shower cut off. I opened my eyes to find the serenity of the snow-covered lawn outside, wishing that bad juggling had started my morning but trying not to read too much into it.

"Hey," I said as Billy came out clad in only black jeans, still drying his hair with a towel.

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"No." I smiled as I propped myself on my knees, beckoning him to me. As he neared, I reached for the towel and shifted aside so he could sit on the corner of the bed as I continued to dry his hair for him. "Billy," I whispered to his hunched shoulders.

"Mmhmm."

"You know I love you, right?"

His neck instantly twisted so his eyes could snap at me. I had spent many moments of my life staring into his dark pools, but they still stole my breath when they flared with emotion. "Why would you ask that?"

"Because it's important to me that you know that I love you." I tried to strip my voice of an evident tone. "Even when we're disconnected, I still love you very much."

"You think we're disconnected?" His head slightly swayed back as the resignation of his feeling washed over him like a heavy wind.

"I do." I smiled briefly before kissing his forehead and drying his hair.

"I don't mean to be disconnected from you." His words came on the crest of a sigh.

"You have a lot on your mind with the kids, the tour, Sarah. And we still have a lot to work on; it's not always going to be malts and egg creams."

"And you, your dad..." he added. "We don't have your dad anymore."

"You can talk to me about my dad. It doesn't make me sad." I set the towel down and combed through his wiry hair with my fingers.

"I miss him. I have so many things I'd like to talk to him about; ask him about."

"I know; me too."

Billy lifted a hand to my wrist and pulled it down to him so I would follow. "I don't want you to feel like you're not a focus for me, like you're not as important as the kids, my career, or anything else."

"I don't feel that I'm not as important. Honestly, it's nice not to be the sole focus; it feels more sustainable." A small laugh slipped from my lips.

"What?" My chuckle pulled a smile to his lips.

"I'm just glad I'm not the entire problem for once. I'm not the only thing distracting you."

"Oh, you're not entirely off the hook. I'm very worried about telling Viv; that's on you."

"On me?" I teased back as I let my head fall to his chest.

"Mmhmm, maybe it's on both of us," he conceded.

"I enjoy being a part of your life," I sighed. The pressure of his focus diminished with his scattered thoughts.

"I know you love me. I know more now than I ever have."

I twisted, so I was straddling his lap. "How are you?" I brushed his hair from his face again.

"I'm good." His eyes met mine, and he quickly added, "I'm better than good. How are you?"

"No, Billy, don't do that. How are you?"

He looked at me for a moment, warring to keep up the shield before his shoulders rounded. "Tired, confused, scared, still a little lonely..." His list dropped off with a shake of his head.

"Can I help? Will you let me help?"

"I want to, I just...."

"Are used to doing it alone," I finished for him.

"No," he hesitated, but then something peaceful crossed his face. He lifted a hand and tucked a stray tendril of hair behind my ear. "I'm used to calling your father," he began. "It's funny; did you ever notice that your dad never gave any answers? He just listened and asked questions until the pieces fell together."

"He was a clever man," I smiled.

"With an equally clever daughter. I miss him. I miss our talks and the talks I thought I'd still have with him." Billy stiffened a bit as his thoughts shifted. "I worry about the kids when I tour. Sarah is someone I want to trust. I want to have a good relationship with her for the kids, but..." his words dropped out again as his face dipped to focus on our entwined hands. "We struggle to have even a civil conversation, and now that she wants to move south, I'm afraid she'll take them from me, or worse, turn them on me."

"Why do you think you struggle so much with each other? You used to love each other so much that it still has to be somewhere in you.

"I feel guilty because I failed her so spectacularly. I'd imagine she's still hurt. I'd be. If you had married me, committed to me, but then were entirely devoted to someone else... it would've killed me."

"What would you want? If the roles were reversed, what would you want?"

Billy thought through the question. Thoughts buzzed behind his eyes before he flopped back on the bed. "I'd want you to admit it. I'd want the validation that I wasn't crazy."

He knew what he needed to do, but the reluctance deflated him. His hands lifted to rub his tired face. I fell to his chest to offer the only comfort I could.

"You mind if I see if Sarah is free for dinner tonight?" He resigned as his hands heavily flopped from his face to the bed and curled around me.

"Of course not. I'll head back to your mom's and suffer through more of her cooking." I joked.

"No, I want you here too. All of us." His eyes were big, like a child looking up at the stars in the sky.

"I think you should have dinner as a family tonight. I want to give Sarah and Viv some space to process. They both deserve that."

He gazed back at me as a surge of protest broadened his shoulders for a moment. But when he opened his mouth, his shoulders deflated to their usual rounded demeanor. "Okay, but you'll come back tonight, right?"

"Of course," I rolled off him and sprawled into his side as one of his arms engulfed me.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess." He lifted his hands to rub his face again, trying to dispel the exhaustion.

"Billy." I propped myself up on his chest. "I love this. You're letting me in and not trying to solve everything on your own. It makes me feel like I'm part of your life."

"You were always a part of my life, Lil."

"I know. I guess I never felt equal. I felt like I was the only mess," I admitted.

A full laugh erupted from Billy. The idea consumed him.

"It's not that funny." I chided, as I poked his side.

"It's pretty fucking funny. Do you even remember when I came back? I was a disaster. I felt so rude showing up on you, but I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I'm glad you came back," I soothed.

Billy looked me over as his mood changed, and the humor washed away from his face.

"What?" I asked.

"I haven't told you this yet, but I'm happy you came back. The circumstances were unfortunate, but I needed you now more than ever."

"Why, Billy? What is going on? Why did you think Tim called me?" I had wanted to know for weeks, and now I finally asked.

Billy folded forward and caught his face in his hands as he warred with his answer.

"I've kept myself busy for so long, too long. I never slowed down. It was always the next idea, the next song, the next project. I couldn't stop. I knew what I was doing. The nagging in the back of my brain that I was avoiding the build-up."

"Build-up of what?" I murmured.

"All the moments, the times when I wasn't..."

"What is it, Billy?"

"I get out of control, but not like I drink too much or that kind of shit. I get out of control in my head; small things become a fixation and..."

I entwined my hand in his, willing him to draw strength from me.

"If something doesn't come out the way I envision it..." He let out a heavy sigh. "It used to be uncomfortable. All those years ago with the band, it couldn't always be my way and it was uncomfortable. Then when I went solo, the label still tried to mold me. So, I started my label, built my studio. I slowly created this world where my voice was the only voice." The admission was uncomfortable, and he rolled his shoulders to relieve some of the tension. "You were still there, Lil, and you were so honest. You'd remind me to listen to Tim, Tess, Ma. You reminded me I wasn't alone. I needed that. And it was good. I had you as the voice that could cut through everything."

"And then I left," I murmured.

"No, actually, the opposite. Then I got in the accident, and you came back." His eyes met mine now, with an urgency that deflated my lungs. "I thought I died. That split second right before the car hit, I thought that was it. And then you were there, holding my hand. It was you, Lil. I knew it all along, but at that moment..." His eyes dipped. "That was the first time Sarah asked for a divorce. I should have just given it to her; I knew she was right."

"Why didn't you?"

"The kids were young and I was stubborn. I thought I could push the feelings aside and focus on my commitments. So, I did that; more songs, more artists, more everything."

"So what made you agree?"

"She didn't give me any choice. She left me. She packed up her things and moved out. I didn't even notice her packing. All this shit, it must have taken her a week, and I didn't even notice. What kind of a self-centered dick doesn't even notice his wife leaving him?" He shook his head to himself. "If she hadn't taken the kids with her, I might have never noticed," he admitted.

"And then you called me," I finished.

"An then I called you," he confirmed.

"I thought with you I'd be different, less distracted. I could just let things go and be honest with myself, but you were different. You just came in like fucking Hercules, and I couldn't let you see how broken I was. So, I pushed harder for everything. I thought I could move you into the house, and the kids, the family, would be set. I could go back to the sprint. I know it was unfair to you, but if I stayed busy, I could keep that thought out, but instead..."

"I left," I murmured.

"No, I kept you out, and then you left. And now, after ten more years, I'm damn close to losing everything."

"What? No, you aren't," I protested.

"Lil, I thought Tim called you because..."

"What?"

"I think he wants out. He's miserable because I make him miserable. I can't stop myself. I do trust him, and I can't do this without him. He literally keeps the lights on; I don't even know where some of the light switches are. If he quits on me..."

I dipped my head to hide my smile.

"This isn't funny, Lil," Billy groaned.

"Billy Collins, you are the love of my life, and I truly believe I am your love," I began.

"Okay, and that's funny?"

"No, it's wonderful. But I always thought that when I found the love of my life, I would find my soulmate."

"Fuck, is this when you leave me?"

"Billy," I scolded again. "Timmy is your soulmate."

"Oh, no thank you," he automatically responded.

"You don't get to choose your soulmate, darling," I teased.

"Well, great; then my soulmate is about to break up with me," Billy lamented.

"Billy, have you talked to Tim about this?"

"No, because then he will quit."

"I don't think he will quit, but if the work at Shake Shock doesn't engage him anymore, do you want him to stick around and be unhappy?"

Billy fell back onto the bed.

"What?" I murmured as I fell beside him and burrowed beneath his arm.

"Talk to Sarah, talk to Tim; it's too much talking, Lil."

"Maybe that's because you just got done telling me you have spent the past fifteen years avoiding conversations," I noted.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not super into you being right while I am very busy being wrong."

"Well, you're stuck with me," I reminded him.