Billy was sitting on the porch steps as I drove in, his hands tucked deep into the pockets of his father's leather jacket. His face glowed in the moonlight, revealing his pensive mood. He stood as my car crawled to a stop and pulled open the passenger door.

"You can follow the driveway to the back of the barn; the garage is back there." He climbed in as he spoke.

I already knew this, but the planning gave his mind something to focus on rather than the space between us.

"Bay five," he murmured. Again, it was unnecessary, as he had already clicked the remote to open the door.

I parked in silence and pulled myself from the car. Billy was already up. He leaned against the car and let his arms fall across the roof.

"You have a few cars now, I see." I glanced up and down the garage at his five other cars.

"I like to work on cars." His eyes were falling on me with an unmistakable look of fear in his eye.

"You use them all?"

"Mostly the Tesla." The benign conversation was inflaming his worry.

"If I turn in my rental, would you be okay with me stealing one?"

"It's not stealing if I give it to you." He looked over at the cars. "But these don't suit you."

"What suits me?"

"I'll pick you up an Audi A6."

"Let me guess, safety first."

"It's something I'm willing to invest in." He dipped his face to hide his bit-back smile. "In a couple of years, you and Viv can match."

"Sounds good," I agreed, causing his face to snap up to mine.

His gaze clung to me as I paced around the car. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"An Audi is a $60,000 car," he added, as I drew up to his side.

"Of course it is." I leaned next to him with a teasing smile on my face.

"You're okay with me just going out and buying you a car tomorrow?" Skepticism filled his voice.

"I know you worry, and I know it'll make you worry less, so yeah, I'm okay with it." I shrugged. He turned around and leaned against the car as his arm fell to my shoulder. "We have many things to work through, Billy, and a lot of things to worry about. This doesn't have to be one."

"I know, Lil."

"We have all the time to get through it, though," I offered.

"No time like the present," he agreed, taking my hand and leading me inside.

We ended up in his bedroom, but not in the bed. We each sat in chairs on opposite sides of the fireplace as it crackled and hissed between us.

"So," he awkwardly started as a hand grasped his hair, "where should we start?"

"Maybe we should watch a movie?" I sighed.

Billy let out a laugh that dispelled some of the tension.

"Tell me what you're afraid of?" I prodded.

"I'm afraid of being hurt again, that you're used to being alone and won't be able to let me in."

"I'm sorry," I murmured.

"That doesn't make me feel better. You always say you're sorry, but the story always ends the same way. We need to get past the apologies."

"You know I could tell you I won't hurt you, and I'll let you in this time, but it won't sink until without time. Just like I keep telling you, I'll fight for this, but it won't diminish the fear. I can't take away the fear I built for twenty years with words. I wish I could."

His eyes bore into me in shock before he let his face drop while he pondered what I had said. "I don't..." he paused as his mind continued to swirl on too many moving ideas to pick one. "I'm not sure what to say to that. It doesn't make me feel any better."

"I'm not trying to make you feel better; I'm trying to be honest," I acknowledged. "Billy," I kept my eyes on him, waiting for him to lift his face to mine. "Billy," I called again. This time, he finally looked up at me. "You should be scared; you have no reason not to be terrified. I've done nothing to the contrary."

"Are you leaving me again, Lil? Is this that talk? Is this when it all falls apart?"

"No, at least, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you unless you ask me to go, and I'll always be with you when you ask me to come. But I can't expect you to believe that when I've never acted that way. For me, right now, it's true. I'll show you by being here, but you can be scared. I'd honestly be concerned if you weren't." I let out a laugh.

"I don't want you to get your own place, even if we own it together," he admitted. "I know you can't always be with me. I know you'll have to go to Maine for work, and I'll have commitments here and to the road, but if there's no reason to be apart, I don't want space. I've had too many years with too much space."

"I'll stay with Mary until we know Viv is okay," I agreed.

"Work at the studio." His eyes met mine. "I promise I won't bother you; much." There was a boyish flash of his dimples when he added the much.

"Okay," I nodded.

"You're making this too easy. It's unsettling."

"Billy, you're not asking me on a whim. They're valid requests, just like the car. It's like anything else in life; you remove obstacles until you reach your goal. That's how I intend to fight for you by removing obstacles between us. It's all I have to offer to you. I hope it's enough."

He leaned back and surveyed me. "What are you afraid of?" He finally asked.

"What you aren't telling me," I admitted.

"I've never hidden anything from you." His voice was defensive.

"I don't think you're maliciously hiding things, but I know you're not talking about everything."

He sighed and sat deeper into his chair. "Will you come here?"

I silently stood and crossed to his lap. He curled around me as though I were the only warmth he could access.

"You make me feel guilty," he began.

I tried to stay quiet, not let him sense the shock coursing through me.

"I've made mistakes in my life, and some of those mistakes led to great things, but others hurt people, people I didn't intend to hurt."

"Sarah," I murmured.

"All the love you have for me, imagine that unreturned. Think of what it'd be like if you thought you had this person who was supposed to be yours, who committed to be yours, but you knew they always belonged to someone else."

The room spun around me, and my stomach churned with acidic bile.

"I did that to her," Billy continued. "I made her my wife with no intention of stopping loving you. She gave me two kids: two amazing, smart, incredible children, and I couldn't even..." His words dropped out. "She deserved better. She deserved better from me." He peeled me off his chest and forced my face to his. "I love that you're back, and I love that you're fighting for this, but that scares me, too. Every step we take to make this work, to make this finally be what it has always been supposed to be, illuminates the mistakes we made."

"I know." The words came out in a dry creek.

"I owe Sarah my life, this life. Everything I've loved for the past decade." He paused before correcting with, "everything I've been allowed to love, she gave me. Without the kids, I wouldn't have made it. I'd have had nothing."

"That's not true." I brushed the hair from his face, so his eyes were unobscured.

"It is true, Lil. It got bad. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was Viv and Jackson. I'm not ashamed to admit it. They are the best part of me."

"Have you told her this? Sarah, have you said this to her?" He looked at me for a long moment before I broke the silence with, "you owe it to her to tell her all this."

He tucked me into his chest and rested his chin on the crown of my head. "I do," he agreed.

"When was the last time you two had dinner or a drink or just talked?"

"Billy," I whispered. I had to tell him the whole truth, but the panic was rising just thinking about it.

"Say it, Lil. I already know, but you need to say it."

It didn't surprise me that he knew. We both knew it this time, but his acknowledgment made it real.

"I'm afraid you'll leave this time. I'm afraid I'll lose you," I whispered as I clung to his chest.

"Me too," he murmured.