| D A R R E N

"Alpha, there haven't been any rogues sighted for the past week. We'd more than likely need to expand the patrol rounds by another 20 miles or so." Nik reported, staring at the same map of our lands I was. The yellowed paper was chipped at the edges but still intact enough to roll across my dad's old mahogany desk.

Well, that was good news in it's own way. The further the remaining of Jared's rogues were from us, the better. I rubbed my chin, watching Nik's finger trace a wide arch around the pack grounds.

"That's the question then, should we broaden the route just to catch these bastards? Is it worth it at that point? We're stretched thin as it is." Devin added from where he was wearing a circle into the floor boards from his pacing.

The man was built like a brick house, almost as tall as me with dark skin and coiled hair he kept short. He'd stepped into the position of my Third only a month ago, but the decision had been a good one. Devin has proved himself to be dependable with a fierce love for our pack.

"I could run the new route myself," Zev spoke up. It wasn't so much an offer as a statement of fact. He stood leaned against the wall.

We were still working on getting the electricity fully up and running on the second floor. Most of the light in the room was coming from the window letting the afternoon sun in. 

No one argued that he couldn't. That would have been a waste of breath.

"For how long? You and Kaleb aren't staying." Nik pointed out, crossing his arms.

"We need a more long-term solution," Devin sighed. "Just because we haven't crossed a rogue doesn't mean they aren't there, but hunting every last one down is probably higher than it should be on our priority list."

"You're not wrong. We're still settling in here and making it home but—" Nik began, I cut him off.

"Every last rogue who was there that day deserves to die," I growled, Nik and Devin shifted their gaze, lowering them slightly. "And, if possible, I'd love to make that happen. But I'm also not willing to risk any more of my pack's lives so soon after they were uprooted." I let out a breath. The wolf in me paced with the need to hunt down all threats to I urge pack and eliminate them.

"I'll run the border." Zev said again. "And kill whatever's left of Jared's whelps. Be happy to."

"Kaleb—" I start, but the big bastard cuts me off.

"Has Josh with him during the day. If I have to run during the night, then your mate can be there then too. I trust you both."

"He's not a babysitter." I groused, even though I would trust him to do the same if roles were reversed.

"Good thing Kaleb isn't a baby." Zev grinned, though it was more like a baring of teeth.

Nik and Devin shifted uncomfortably, eyeing Zev with a deserved amount of wariness.

I ran a hand down my face. "Alright, Zev you'll be taking the new route at night." I conceded. The big man just nodded, leaving the room without another word to go track down his mate. I really wish I could do the same.

Instead, I continue briefing through the ins and outs of keeping the pack safe with Nikolas and Devin. For the next two hours my concentration is centered solely on all things pack related.

We spent at least 30 minutes making sure there would be enough wolves to spare from patrol to join the hunt at the end of the week. We were stretched thin, if we had our former numbers...

I didn't let myself follow that thought and threw myself at the next issue instead. That issue being finding Samira's replacement.

'I can feel your gears grinding.' Josh gripes through our bond. 'What the hell are ya'll even talking about? Castration?' He complains.

Part of me wholeheartedly wants to allow myself to dive into the lighthearted banter my mate was so generously providing. The rest of me was still fully wrapped up in all the problems left to be fixed and how to fix them.

'That conversation would actually be less painful, but no, pup.' I answered. 'I will give you an update on everything tonight though. I hope you're enjoying your day.' I responded before closing the bond a little so I could focus better. Just enough for me to still sense him at the back of my mind and know he was safe.

'Seriously, Darren, I can feel you.' My mate's response was faint, but I heard it and felt some of the accompanying worry seep in too. We'll talk later,' he agreed, 'and then I'll kiss it better.' Josh added jokingly, sending love and comfort down the bond. I couldn't help but smile a little.

_

The meeting itself wasn't bad. I trusted every man in that room. What left a bad taste in my mouth was the room itself. It wasn't mine. My dad should be here, in his office, behind that giant old desk and working to keep this pack safe. And so should my mother. It wasn't supposed to be me yet. I'm damn near 20 but, but I wasn't supposed to have the Alpha title until my father stepped down.

Now, I'm the one everyone looks to. Even when I lose my mind and practically go missing for two weeks. Would my dad have done that? Left his vulnerable pack unguarded to track down a traitor?

The Goddess must not truly hate me, because I rescued my mate and came back to a cheering crowd rather than a dead pack. I'm beyond grateful for that, but I wasn't going full tilt in a single direction anymore. There was nothing to distract me from the full reality of our situation any longer.

My pack has gone through the unimaginable and I'm now expected, trusted, to step up. I will. I don't have the option not to. But as someone who couldn't protect the people closest to me, how could I ever be truly fit to be an alpha.

Memories of all the decisions I made since my world literally went up in flames keep me up at night. I lay awake, clutching Josh to my side like he'll be ripped away again, just thinking and regretting.

There was a lot to be thankful for, obviously, but –there's always a but lately—I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it does, it might ruin everything we just got back.

It sets me on edge.

Paranoia was a son-of-a-bitch. Although, it would be a wonder if I wasn't paranoid after the past few months.

The sound of my pack grew fainter the closer I got to the edge of our territory. Just for the moment, I was going to enjoy the quiet. The freedom from responsibility.

Just for the moment.

'You're doing better than you give yourself credit.' My wolf spoke. His voice was a welcome change to the swirling cacophony of negativity.

'Doesn't feel that way.' I argue.

'Even Alphas get overwhelmed. That doesn't make us weak. You made decisions that you thought were best at the time. If you regret them, learn from them.' My wolf growled. 'As far as I see it, we have our mate, our pack and both are safe. We've won, human. There is no need to kick your own ass over the past.'

'That's pretty sagely coming from you.' I snort, before adding with a sigh of resignation, 'You're right.'

'But—' he offers, waiting. Like I said, there's always a but.

'You know it's not just that. We—' I swallow thickly. 'Our parents are gone. Aani was taken when I was too young to remember her. I have...' I swallowed again, no one ringing in my head like a bell even though I hadn't said it.

'We've lost many, but we're not alone.' My wolf says gently, voice also full of grief. 'We have our mate. Our perfect Josh.'

'I know. Doesn't mean there isn't a hole where they're supposed to be, and I haven't given myself the chance to think about that until now.' My chest expands as I heave a sigh. 'I don't know what to do with it.'

'I don't either. We've killed the one responsible. I do know that we can't be like our father and let this eat away at us. You couldn't mention what happened to our sister and the witches without him losing it. We have to be better.'

My heart constricts painfully. He wasn't wrong. I'd seen what losing Aani did to my father, how it haunted him for years. He had won then too, like we had now, but there was a cost and it showed. Simply mentioning Aani's name was enough to send my dad into a rage even my mom had trouble bringing him back from. The entire conflict became taboo to discuss. The pack was too scared that their Alpha's rage would rekindle at the mention of it and he'd hunt every last witch to the ends of the earth. We'd would've been at war forever. No one wanted that.

I couldn't be like that. I wouldn't.

'Any suggestions?' I ask, voice gruff with emotion.

'For me, my instincts say there is nothing more to be done, I can be content with that. For you...I think you need to surround yourself with the love and support that's still here with us.'

We continued our patrol in silence, the weight of him at the back of my mind was comfort enough for now. At least, it was enough to quiet my mind, if only for a little while.

||

It was dark by the time the pack house came into view. Warm light poured from its windows like a welcoming beacon. It seemed everyone was mostly settled down for the night. Which was good. It made me feel better knowing they were home, safe and comfortable.

The building wasn't quiet as big as the one I grew up in, but it was big enough for what remained of us.

It was built when the pack was smaller, when my great-great grandfather was Alpha. It was the original pack house. Looking at it now reminded me of all the time we came here during the war when I was a pup. I remember the panic of being herded here with other kids by the pack mothers. It was just after we saved Josh, and me wanting to be brave, kept him close so he wouldn't feel like he was losing his home again.

I'm pretty sure that's where our friendship solidified. As much as 8-year-old me wanted to be there for everyone, I couldn't, though I tried my best. Even when I was young, I knew what the power of smile could do, but it didn't change the fact that weeks would go by and every day that passed that my dad didn't come home made that smile smaller and smaller.

Truth is, while I was trying to be the best little alpha I could, Josh was the one taking care of me. Loyal would be putting it lightly. If I ever gave up my food so someone else could eat he would practically shove half his food down my throat. Aggressively. Wherever I went, he did too, growling at everyone that got too close. He still wasn't talking much by then, but he made it pretty clear that I was stuck with him all the while making feel like I was the burden he decided to take on. Like I was the one who needed looking after.

I think that's when my wolf decided he was our beta at the same time I realized Josh was going to be the best friend I ever had. We've been stuck like glue ever since. And now, we're mates.

It was an odd full circle moment that made my chest tight. Looking at the place that was once our refuge become that again when we're older and so much closer now. Not friends, not Alpha and Beta. Mates.

I took in all the new wear and overgrowth that had been added over the years. Vines crept up the sides of the house, obscuring some of the windows the higher they went. After being vacant for most of a decade, it needed some TLC. I took a deep breath, my mind already latching onto the next distraction. A new project.

I had just broke the tree line when Zev came out the front door. When he noticed me he came right over, lumbering like the giant he is.

"Anything interesting?" He asked in greeting.

"No, and I hope it stays that way."

Zev huffs a laugh, emerald eyes shining in the emerging light of the moon. He looked happy. I'm glad that made one of us. Then, as if we had a mind link and he'd heard that, Zev's eyebrows rose, and he seemed to take a second to look me over.

"You say nothing happened, but you look like you just watched puppies getting kicked."

"There's no sign of rogues anywhere. You'll have to find something to keep yourself entertained." I reply simply rather than acknowledging what he said. "Try not to take a cat nap while you're out there."

Zev scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Funny." He stepped closer. "I consider you a friend you overgrown mutt." Zev smirks as I growl halfheartedly. "Unfortunately, I do care. So what's actually wrong before this somehow makes my life difficult later?"

I shake my head, raising an eyebrow. "This'll make your life difficult? How?"

"Somehow Kaleb will find out you're unwell then it'll be my problem if it upsets him."

"So much for friendship," I mutter past a grin. "In reality you're just scared of your mate."

Zev growls, though he still looks a little amused. "What is it, Darren? Why are you sulking around when your pack lands and everyone on them are safe?"

Because I feel like an imposter. Because I don't know if the wolves I'm supposed to lead are actually safe in my care.

I swallow, eyes darting skyward before they fall to meet his again. "I consider you a friend too, unfortunately," My lips curled into a barely passable smile. "I'm just stuck in my head," I heaved a breath, "thinking about the changes we've all had to go through, I just don't think that I..."

I couldn't bring myself to admit the rest out loud. Zev's eyes seemed to fill with understanding in spite of that.

"If it's just a question of whether you're fit to lead, you're 19, you're not. No one is at that age." He said bluntly. I had to laugh.

"Comforting."

"My advice," Zev said as he started walking again, "Don't' be so quick to overlook what you've accomplished so far." He clapped my shoulder as he passed.

|

I had barely opened the door before Josh was in my arms. He pressed his face into my neck, breathing deeply. Instantly, my arms circled him, hugging him impossibly tight. I buried my nose in his hair, filling my lungs with his scent.

Everything that had been eating away at me all day simply disappeared. Nothing mattered outside of my mate. My head emptied out and there was only Josh and his scent of pinecones and fresh snow. I don't know how he could smell like that in the middle of summer. Maybe that's part of why I found it so addicting.

Josh started to pull away and I growled, tightening my grip. My mate just huffed a laugh, running a hand down my back.

"It's late as hell, Darren," Josh griped, no longer attempting to get away. "You're lucky I decided to hug you instead of knock your fucking lights out."

I didn't respond. I wanted the quiet to last a little longer. Josh growled at my silence, leaning his head back. Those bright blue eyes of his roaming over my face like he was trying to peer inside my soul. In reality, all he had to do was look in a mirror to accomplish that.

I don't know if he found what he was looking for, but his glare softened. I'm not sure what I looked like in that moment, if my expression showed just how much of a mess I was on the inside. Or maybe, my mask finally and truly cracked and he was looking at all the broken pieces I had been pretending didn't exist. It didn't matter either way. I had my Josh and that's all I'd allow myself to focus on.

"I'm going to take care of you for once." Josh whispered, stepping back again. I let him go this time, but he caught my wrist, tugging me fully into the room and closing the door. Josh led me to the bathroom, stepping away only to turn the shower on.

"Don't think this means you aren't gonna spill whatever's going on in that pretty little head of yours." Josh smirked, tugging at my shorts as I let them fall. My mind was still wonderfully empty.

Josh got naked himself, then he was moving us both into the shower. He directed and I followed, content to let him lead. Not even my wolf complained, he was too wrapped up in enjoying our mate's full attention to care.

Josh washed us both, and the memory of doing the same for him only a few days ago came to mind. I couldn't focus on it though, not when Josh's hands were sending rushes of electric shocks thought my veins as he lathered me with soap. I groaned placing my head on his shoulder. Part of me wanted to press him into the tile wall, spread his legs and push into him. If only to get closer to him.

The calming effect his presence had on my mind made me want to keep him wrapped in my arms forever. I growled as Josh ran the soap covered rag down my spine. He just huffed a laugh, kissing the part of my shoulder that was in reach.

I could feel his thoughts, now that the link was wide open again. Contentment was at the forefront of his mind but it was laced with a distinct edge of arousal, even then, concern was the strongest emotion. And love. So much love it made my knees weak. I nuzzled his mark, loving the sound of the hitched breath that escaped him as a result.

He trembled when I licked the sensitive area, having every intention of biting into him. My mate pushed me back before I could and I growled again, more upset than I had the brain capacity to be.

Josh just pecked my lips to cut off the disgruntled rumbles before he rinsed us off. Taking the lead again , he dried us off, before grabbing some lotion. I watched as rubbed the cool substance into my skin, still feeling distant from my body. I did have the wherewithal to lotion him in turn. There will never be a reality where I turn down an opportunity to run my hands all over Josh's deliciously muscled body.

Josh hums a little, eyes squinting contentedly as I do just that. I growl softly in return, loving the fact that my mate was enjoying my touch.

When we were done I was led, once again, to the bed. We were both still naked and I'm glad Josh hadn't made a move to grab some clothes for us. I would've shredded them with my claws. I didn't want anything between me and my Josh. I needed his skin on mine. It was the only thing keeping me sane.

Laying down, Josh tugs into bed after him. I land halfway on him, with our chests pressed together. Our gazes met and Josh moved a hand to the nape of my neck, pulling me down to his waiting mouth.

Like in everything else tonight, I let Josh take charge, enjoying the firmness of his kiss. He sucked my tongue and I groaned low in my throat. He tasted amazing as usual, the intensity of it was a shock to my system in the best way.

As we parted I slid next to Josh, pulling him deep into my side, so close we could feel each other's inhale and responding exhale as we steadied our breathing.

"Okay," Josh prompted, locking me under his stare. "You're going to tell me what's wrong so I can kiss it better." He smirked.

I had the urge to smother him but it was gone as soon as it came.

"Go on. All ears, no judgement," he encouraged, sincerely this time.

"My dad is dead...and my mom." Were the first words I said to my mate all night. Josh's expression crumpled with pain and understanding. "I couldn't save them. What kind of Alpha am I if I couldn't even save my own parents?"

Saying the words out loud made me feel raw, everywhere. Like I'd pried myself open head to toe and exposed all of the twisted bits of myself. It was agonizing. I closed my eyes, unable to bear my mate's gaze.

"You saved me," Josh said so softly, I almost didn't catch it. I latched onto his voice so my mind didn't have time to start spiraling again. I didn't open my eyes, but I felt him looking at me. All of me. I know deep down Josh was the only person who would ever be able to understand me and I was the same for him.

"You saved me, Darren," he said more fiercely. "You saved your pack and stepped up to lead them. You even avenged your parents!" His voice was earnest, and quite honestly the most serious I'd ever heard him. "Darren," Josh growled, "look at me."

I squinted, reluctantly peaking at him. His eyes were almost glowing in the darkness of the room. The intensity of his gaze pulled me in. I leaned closer, our noses brushing. Josh slid a hand to the back of my neck and pulled our foreheads together.

"I promise you are the Alpha you always wanted to be. If Drake saw you now, he'd be so proud and Luna Eden... Luna—" his voice cracked, tears building at the corner of his lids. He laughed brokenly and smiled. "You remind me of her the most. When you smile you look just like her. Which is a compliment because Luna has always been unnaturally beautiful. I know if she saw the man you are, and they were both still here, she'd make Drake step down, because Darren, you are ready." He pulled back to look in my eyes better. "You. Are. Ready. Fuck anyone else who thinks different."

Josh smirked, his brilliant blue eyes alight with mischief. "And if that person is you, I'll fuck you right now."

I huffed a laugh even as I felt my wolf perk up at the proposition. I didn't know how to respond to that. Not with words anyway.

Rolling onto him, I pressed my face into his neck. Being so close with our bond fully open, I could taste his emotions. I let his conviction run through me. I could tell that he we beat my ass if I even thought of disagreeing with him. Some of the weight I'd been carrying dispersed completely. My thoughts weren't so clouded anymore.

"I just want to protect everyone." I murmured into his shoulder. "I love my pack and I want them to be safe."

"They are and they will continue to be, because you're their Alpha, Darren." Josh said. "We have all gone through some pretty intense shit the last few months, and the one constant in all of it is you. Give yourself more credit and stop beating your own ass. Or I will." 

Josh's words echoed what my wolf had said earlier. I breathed deep, finally allowing myself to believe them.

'Great minds think alike.' My wolf mused, chest puffed. I mentally rolled my eyes at him, but I was glad to have his support.

 I still wasn't okay, but I was better. And I could work with that. The corner of my lips curled up in the closest approximation of a smile I'd attempted all night as I pulled myself impossibly closer to my perfect mate.

"I love you, Josh." I said gruffly.

"I love you, too. Especially when you're needy, Alpha." Josh teased, placing kisses on all the parts of me that he could reach.

I melted into him, allowing myself to lose some of my tight-knit control. He let me, keeping me close as we fell asleep in each other's arms.

| AUTHOR'S NOTE

It's probably going to take a while for me to get my groove back but I'm glad to finally be posting again. 

Please let me know your thoughts on the chapter. 

Thank you all so much for sticking around this long, I appreciate you beyond words.

xoxo

-J.T.