So sorry I haven't updated this in a while! But I liked to say something. My life has been falling down lately. And I had people help me and making me cheer up, but when they're gone and I'm alone, I feel like crying. Like I hide this feeling of empty ness in my heart, like I'm afraid that if I say how I truly feel, everyone will leave me. I've been empty my whole life if I remember correctly, the only time I've felt emotions was if anything was related to my family, but other than that..nothing. When I was starting school, I didn't have much friends. And I didn't know how to socialize, my mom never really taught me that. So I was the only Spanish speaking girl who didn't know English and was the only one who took notes in Spanish. I'm pretty sure someone else was in my shoe as well, but I wouldn't know. Like I said, I don't have a social life to this day. And so I started to slowly have some friends, but I guess they considered me acquaintance cause they either never almost talked to me anymore or they talk to me for a bit and then become this popular person that's too cool for you. And I was a weird child, so basically I almost drove everyone away from me. I had this friend that was with me but she failed a grade and when we got to see each other again, she became this popular girl.. now that moment I saw her again was Intermediate or Junior High as some of you say it. Elementary was okay to say the least, no feelings ...I got put into special training or something like that cause I couldn't speak right? Or I needed to learn English. Anyways, I thought it was cool that I was the only that had that privilege to do that, but soon after I got older my mom told me that it was for the special kids. And what that means is that I had a small problem with speaking and reading I guess. Even though I rocked the A.R. Points. Aside from that, I remember in Elementary that I also get pulled out of class sometimes not by the special needs training, but to speak Spanish to this lady. Keep in mind that I started to feel insecure of my language since no one else would understand me nor did I had Spanish friends so I started talking more English that I picked up from people who spoke English and in English books. (This one time I learned the word "Rats" like "Rats!" Would be "curses!" And this boy said that that was a bad word -_-) but basically I thought I was doing an okay job at speaking Spanish to her. But then when I got older, my mom told me that the school called her saying that "I need to speak more Spanish". That pissed my mom off cause 1) I was born IN a Spanish speaking household and 2) I told my mom one of my teachers said it was a bother that I couldn't speak English like the rest and that's why I started to try to learn the English language. Yea..not a good way to start off my school life. But wait, there's more. Okay, Middle School was I guess good as well, still no "feelings". I had started my love life there but it wasn't too serious for me anyways and I was a two timing bitch at that time cause I didn't know any better. I remember being racist in 5th grade, but before you start yelling at me, I didn't know was racist was..until 7th. And when Donald Trump was president. I apologized to the girl that I was friends with once and being so racist towards. She said she stopped being my friend cause I was being racist and I said this: "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was being racist cause I didn't knew what it was. Please forgive this carrot looking toupee person" and she was laughing hard and we forgave one another. Okay okay, Middle school was good aside from all that...Junior High started messing me up more. And that, is when I decided to ride the Ferris Wheel of emotional heartbreaks...okay so! I started and I had almost all of my classes with my friends. I had art with a friend of mine and then I remember that I sat next to the person...who I didn't know was ready to drag me to the ground because of my feelings. I sat next to her and I forgot how we started talking, maybe by my friend that was with us. But we started talking, it was going good, and then we were almost talking every day and texting one another. But then...she had to move away. I remember we were once texting and then I confessed that I liked her. Like "like like" her and she said she..."liked" me too. I remember feeling so much happiness that I dedicated everything into her...that I promise I would love her always. Continuing, we started to drift apart and she said she was losing feelings for me, and I said I was losing feelings too because I didn't want her to feel pity for me...her parents then told her she can't text me anymore and then she said she can't and won't ever text me anymore...eight grade was a wild ride for me...I started healing myself in the process of saying it's over. And I started feeling better cause of the people being there for me...until she came back...I still loved her a lot..and we were talking for a bit and I was talking with her "friend" who started wattpad and went straight to texting me and I never told her I had a crush on the girl..and then she said "but I like the person we both know". And I knew, the only person that went to Deer Park was that girl...that one girl I called my special someone...that one girl I stupidly was willing to sacrifice everything for...I felt my heart ache a lot, tears were threatening to fall, I tried cooling down my heating up face, and I felt a snap in me..a crack was made on my heart because I stupidly decided to give it all away and to call her my special someone..I confronted her and she said she was only planning to tell me when the time was right but..what if? What if that other girl never told me? What if I told the girl that I still loved her? What if...I never met her? I felt so humiliated...so depressed that I let my guard down and broke down my protective wall...for her to affect me like this...but I realized something..even if I did lost my "special potato pal"...I still have all of you, I love you all with all my heart. You all helped me be better and to strive me that I can succeed in life. I may have given up on my love life, but there is no way that I'm giving up on my friendship life. Let's see what challenges high school will throw at me. Either ways, if I have y'all by my side, there's nothing stopping me. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and have a wonderful day.
-Its_Doris16