Chapter Nineteen:

Joelle

Work was now a daily thing, Carrie started giving me six hour shifts for six days a week at my request. I realized that there was no other job for me, this is what I loved to do and I felt welcome there. They understood that I hardly talked, and the familiarity when I walked through the door was what made me feel at home. And every day for the past three weeks had been a constant reminder as to why I said no to going on tour with Zayn. It was for my own happiness.

"Jo! My cousin's kid is in town and he's your age… I think you two would get along very well!" Luke caught up with me at the end of my shift, as I was grabbing my bag and coat. 

Immediately I shook my head, smiling slightly at him. They didn't know about Zayn, there was no reason for my radio family to know. We got paid to dig into celebrities lives, and I didn't want it to become a publicity thing. What even was there to know about him and I, anyway? We hadn't talked in forever and I was sure that he had already forgotten about me. I was back to being simply Joelle Parker, and he was back to being Zayn Malik. Not the girl and boy who held hands and talked about useless things until two am. Once again I was the twenty-one year old who hardly uttered a word and always had headphones in and he was once again the popstar who knew he could get any girl in the world without even trying. Our fantasy was gone and it was back to reality for us. 

"Aw, not even going to give it a shot?" He tried again, though it was all in good fun. I knew that he would never actually set me up with anyone, he was smarter than that.

Again, I shook my head.

"At least I tried! Are you coming in early tomorrow? Neva is interviewing Selena Gomez, I think." Luke handed me my grey jacket.

"Thanks. No, I think I'll skip out. And I gotta go, my brother's here to pick me up. Bye, Luke." I strung the sentences together, making it sound more like a run-on than four separate sentences but Luke seemed to be accustomed to that since he smiled and went back to reading his magazine. 

The air outside was a chilly temperature, and I cursed that I only had on a thin grey jacket.  Zayn's jacket was back home, hidden in my closet behind the many band t-shirts that I happened to own. I never wore them out, but I enjoyed having them. Just like Zayn's jacket. I liked wearing it, though, I just felt uncomfortable letting myself be so… vulnerable. Love wasn't something I ever eagerly looked for, I didn't like becoming attached to people. My family were the only people I knew I loved, and they were the only ones who knew why I had this issue. I had let Zayn in and I had been regretting it ever since he left for tour.

The texts were sweet, and they came often. They made me smile, that he thought to text me good morning or that he missed me or that he had started to buy peppermint coffee. I just couldn't bring myself to reply to any of them. It was like I was giving in to the world if I did. It was somewhere in the back of my mind, that I had gone against myself when I said yes to Zayn. 

I knew that he traveled for a living. I knew that he was a popular person. I knew that he came with a lot of baggage (granted, so did I). I knew that he wouldn't be there forever. I knew that there was a possibility of me falling in love.

It was too late to take it all back, but at least now I could stay strong. I didn't have to tie him down anymore. It was time for us both to be free.

"Joelle! Get your butt in the car! You're standing there daydreaming like a lost puppy," Blake yelled out his window. I grinned before shuffling to the other side of the car. 

Plopping myself into the seat, I offered an apology. "Sorry."

"Thinking about your boyfriend?" He teased. 

I was immediately silenced as Blake started on the way back to my apartment. I didn't know what to say, exactly. Considering I had never actually broken up with him, he was technically still my boyfriend. But we hadn't talked or communicated since he left, and I felt that soon he would be fed up with it. I'd see tabloids soon, talking about how he's with some new girl and how they seem so happy together. I knew it was inevitable. 

"Oh no." Blake sighed. "You're pushing him away, aren't you?"

"What?" I turned my head so sharply toward him that I'm surprised I didn't get whiplash. Sometimes it sucked to have a brother who knew practically everything about you.

"Whenever you start to feel comfortable around someone, like you could possibly be friends, you start to ignore them. Think about it. Kyle, Amelia, Safron, Melida. They all wanted to be your friend, yet the second you feel like you could actually trust them, is when you pull away. You can't let yourself feel. You destroy things before they can even grow. It's not easy, watching you do that. You know I love you more than anything, but it's so difficult to see you throw your future away like that. You're throwing away your happiness."

Blake was never one to give long speeches about anything sentimental, he usually opted for the 'distract you with another subject' if the topic got heavy. So hearing him say with complete honesty that he didn't like what I did, was hard. 

"I can't explain it, Blake, and I never will. I can't do it to him, I can't let him see everything I've had to deal with. There are girls out there who've never had any problems, he deserves one of those girls. Not someone who will never properly be able to be in love with him. It's too demanding for both of us to try and make this relationship work." I retorted, trying to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks.

They came out of nowhere, and I was never one who cried in front of people. I can count on one hand the people who have seen me cry, and they are all my family. Crying was a horrible thing, especially since you can't control it. They don't listen to the demands when you tell them to go away, instead it's a sign of weakness. It's the obvious telltale of emotion.

"Don't do it to him. He genuinely likes you, Jo. Do you really want to destroy him like that?"

We fell into a silence for the rest of the ten minute car ride. I wanted to reply with a 'he'd get over it', but would he? How did he really feel about me? Was I a conquest, the girl who wouldn't fall in love who he just wanted to see if he could break me? Was I a bet with friends? Or did I really mean something to him? There wasn't any doubt in my mind that we had fun together, that the conversations just occurred when we were together.

"Are you going to invite me in?" Blake was back to his happy self, no traces of his annoyance left. I glanced out the window and realized that we were indeed parked outside the three story building that contained my flat. It was on the corner of a street, and about a twenty minute walk to the park. It was conveniently placed, so I could walk almost everywhere I needed to, except for work. I always called a cab or managed to catch a ride from there. It just didn't seen necessary for me to get a car or a license, the location of my home kept me in shape. I had no choice but to walk where I needed to.

"Yeah, sure, come in." I replied, opening the car door. I didn't mean to slam it, it just kind of happened. Blake gave me a look, a furrowed brow and the way he pursed his lips, I could tell by his expression that he wasn't amused by that. Letting a reluctant sigh leave my lips, I shrugged before forcing a smile in his direction. "I mean, yes, brother! I would be heartbroken if you refused!"

"Shut it, J." Blake's facial structure changed and I knew he was no longer upset. Not that Blake ever got 'really' upset, only a few times had he actually been yelling because of the frustration that had built up. Often he got annoyed, but never angry. His eyes were the give away, they squinted when he was getting mad, and the less you could see the brown pupils, the more you wanted to run for cover. 

I fumbled around in my small black cross-shoulder purse to find my keys, the jiggling gave away their location. Hiking up the staircase, we stopped at the first door on the right. The door swung open to reveal the one room flat, with a small kitchen immediately to the right and a bathroom immediately to the left. It was decorated with dozens of quotes from songs strewn across with string. Some of my favorites were "hope is so much stronger than fear", "don't you understand I'm never changing who I am", "I might be lost, but I'm not a lost cause", "you are not defined by your past mistakes, you're beautiful in the eyes of grace" and "maybe there's a beauty in this tragedy". They were reminders of how incredible music was. How someone could always connect with you through lyrics. 

The color theme had become a light peach, not entirely by my choice. When I had first moved into this place, my mom had come along and she had taken charge. I had stepped back and smiled as she did what she loved to do - decorate. It saved me the stress, time and money. The walls were like sand, the furniture was grey and y comfortable, and pictures of my family took up an entire wall in the living room. Between the family vacations, the portraits, the funny Christmas pictures, I had plenty to keep me remembering those times. Pictures from school with my childhood friends and pictures of some of the people I went out with were also on that wall. 

"You haven't mentioned talking to Grimmy lately. Everything okay between you two?" Blake piped up after he had walked into my kitchen and started helping himself to the chips and dip. That was my weakness, I always had tortilla chips and salsa in my cupboards. It was a good go-to food. 

"Yeah," I replied. Truth be told I hadn't really talked to him in the past few months, and Blake and I's previous conversation entered my mind. I bit my lip. "We're both busy."

"Are you both busy or did you push him away?" 

I thought of the last few times we had talked, he had seemed interested in my life. He asked about Zayn, apparently he could 'sense' something was going on, when I knew that Harry had probably told him. Easily shrugging off the inquiry, I asked him how he was. He didn't reply, just looked at me with an unreadable expression. He didn't invite me out as often and I usually found good excuses to say no when he did, even if I didn't really have a good reason to not go. 

"Jo, you're not living. You're just scraping by with breathing. Stop being scared to let people in, they're not all like your dad."

I knew exactly what he meant by that, which just made me stare with determination at the wall. He didn't mean his dad, he meant mine. "You know how I feel, I don't hate him."

"I'm sorry," I heard in his voice the sudden sympathy. "Stop letting that stop your life from going on, though."

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Dedication to: tonighter98

"I'm loving this story! I have found it so hard to find a fan fic that is written well but all your stories are fantastic!" You're so sweet, thank you!

hey maybe we'll find out why jo doesn't want to fall in love hmmmm.;)

soo sorry it's past when i said i would update! my purse got stolen and a lot of crap went down so i kind of just needed to stop for awhile…

dedication to someone who says what they like about this chapter, as well as going here: http://www.wattpad.com/wattys/showcase and voting for my story in PopFic, One Direction, for Take Me As I Am! You honestly would have no idea how much it would mean for me to win. Please take a second out of your day to vote :)

also, ship name for joelle and zayn! i'm leaving it up to you. tell me in the comments whether it should be ZOELLE or JAYN. the one with the most 'votes' will be the official name!

love you <3

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