I have been staring at my reflection in the mirror, with a hair brush on my hand. I actually forgot what I was supposed to be doing. 

Nakapag skincare na ba ako? I don't know.

Lumilipad ang utak ko sa interaction namin kanina ni Jules. I sighed. Pakiramdam ko talaga may nasabi akong mali, e. Hindi ko lang alam kung ano…

“I called her pretty…” I tilted my head. What is wrong with that? “Or maybe she prefers to be called ‘handsome’?” 

Padabog kong binitawan ang hair brush ko at itinali ang buhok ko. Gusto ko pa naman sana siyang kaibiganin, namali pa yata ang pag approach ko sa kanya. Mali ‘yon. 

I fished my phone to check if nagparamdam na sa akin si user KioJu, pero wala pa rin. 

“Is this my karma for not accepting collabs?” tanong ko sa sarili ko. “But I have a reason naman… and it's acceptable.” 

May mga bago ako na kailangan i-shoot and some are revisions, but here I am, thinking about her. Naiiling kong binitawan ang cellphone ko at inabot ang iPad and started working. I did my research for some ingredients to make sure na tama ang pinagsasabi ko sa mga video na nagawa ko na. 

A knock from my door disturbed my working peace. Hindi naman naka lock ang pintuan ng kwarto ko. I waited for it to open, only to see the face of my friends. 

“Bakit?” Nakataas ang kilay na tanong ko sa dalawa. Nakadungaw ang mga ulo nila sa pinto. 

Iritado na tinulak ni Cloud si Mariot papasok sa kwarto ko. 

“Tang ina, kapag tayo nahuli!” singhal ni Cloud. 

Kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig. 

“Nahuli? Hindi alam nina Tita na pumasok kayo?” I asked. I crossed my legs while looking at them entering my room. 

Mariot clicked her tongue as she made sure the door was locked. “Kapag nakita kami, wala sana kami dito ngayon.” 

I scoffed. Right. If ever nakita ni lola o ni tita ang dalawa na ‘to, hindi makaka akyat sa kwarto ko ang mga ‘to. Mapipilitan kami na mag stay sa sala habang naka bantay sa amin ang dalawa.

It's not like we're doing something… They are far more strict when it comes to me. Bilang sa daliri ang mga kaibigan ko. ‘Yung isa… napilitan pa na i-cut off ako.

“Paano kayo nakapasok?” tanong ko. Cloud went to me and kissed me on my cheek, sumunod si Mariot. 

“Bukas ang gate niyo. Bukas ang pinto ng bahay niyo. Nasa kusina ang lola at tita mo. Sumalisi na kami.” Putol-putol na sagot ni Mariot habang si Cloud ay naka ngisi lang. Mukhang proud pa. 

Natatawa ko silang tiningnan. “Trespassing kayo. Makita kayo ni mama sa cctv.” 

Clout pouted her lips. “Kilala naman kami. Saka what is the purpose of cctv's? May free pass naman ang mga malikot ang kamay sa bahay niyo.” 

Tumawa si Mariot, sa sobrang tuwa nito mukha na siyang sea lion napumapalakpalk. 

“Tama! Lola mo pa nga nagpapasok…” Mariot said, still laughing. 

Mahina kong sinipa ang binti nito. It was funny as hell, yeah… but it's not going to be funny anymore kapag narinig kami ng lola ko. 

Besides, it only happened once. Hindi na ‘yon naulit.

“What brings you two here?” ulit na tanong ko.

“Window shopping!” Mariot happily said as her eyes roamed around my room. 

Naka-display ang ibang makeup na hindi ko naman nagagamit, along with the skincares. I already packed some for them, nakakalimutan ko lang dalhin at ibigay sa kanila.

Mariot and I used the same products. Cloud, on the other hand, don't. Sa makeup naman, hindi rin ito masyadong gumagamit. 

“Okay… Pili ka na lang dyan, idagdag mo dito.” Tumayo ako at kinuha sa closet ko ang tinabi kong products for them, saka ‘yon inabot sa dalawa.

Ang kay Cloud ang magaan dahil simple lang naman ang routine nito. Si Mariot naman parang pinasalubungan ng kung sino mang kamag anak na galing abroad sa dami ng kanya. 

“Thanks,” Cloud uttered as she accepted the paper bag I gave. 

“Uy, salamat po sa ayuda! Hindi makaka-relate si Mayor dito,” Mariot jokes. 

I rolled my eyes. Paano ‘yun mamimigay ng ayuda? Napupunta na sa kamag anak nito. Hindi man lang umabot sa amin kahit isang pirasong sardinas lang. 

“Chocolate gusto mo?” I asked. Mukhang ayon nalang talaga ang kulang sa bitbit nito. 

Mariot looked up to me. “Meron?” she asked, hopeful. 

Natawa kaming dalawa ni Cloud sa kanya. I opened my mini fridge and gave her the remaining chocolates I have. Hindi ko rin naman kinakain. I just bought them because I thought they're effective as alternatives for coffee, pampagising kapag nag re-review ako or I need to stay awake for work. 

But instead of helping me awake, pinapatulog ako. 

“Spoiled ah?” Cloud teased Mariot. 

Mariot arched her brow. “So what?” 

I chuckled. “Mang aaway pa, e…” 

I let them stay inside my room. Munching all the snacks I stored. For the whole week, ganoon sila lagi, they'll sneak inside our house, diretso sa kwarto ko. It became a routine. 

“No response…” I whispered while looking at my phone. 

This is frustrating me. Hindi ba ako ka-reply-reply? Padabog kong nilapag ang cellphone ko sa lamesa namin. Lagi kong chini-check ang inbox ng clock app ko, even my email, to see if there's a response from her. Pero wala. 

I was playing with my iPad when a notification caught my attention. 

“Putang–!” I immediately covered my mouth. Afraid that someone would hear me cursing. 

I smirked when I saw her username pop up on my notification toggle. Ang tagal kitang hinintay! Nagmamadali kong pinulot ang cellphone ko at tiningnan ang message niya. 

KioJu:
No. 

No… Ayon na ‘yon? I've been waiting for her reply… for so fucking long, for it to be a no? I mean, natuto naman ako na i-accept ang salitang ‘no’, but I need a reason… at least.

I really wanted to try so I messaged her again.

Shion:
Hi, this may sound desperate but… are you sure? At least, consider it?

Ang tagal niyang nag isip para tanggihan ako, ah? Nakaka offend siya ng slight. 

I tapped my fingers against the table while waiting for her to answer. Mabilis naman ako nagreply. Online din ito.

“Wow…” I scoffed when I saw she had already seen my message. Hindi man lang nag abala na magpanggap na typing siya? Kingina naman. 

Just one message from her and my composure instantly crumbled. The power you got, user KioJu. Minsan na lang maging interesado, makukuha pa ang pikon ko. 

I closed my eyes and inhaled a large amount of air. Trying to relax.

“Okay, baka may reason… Let's just wait for that… ‘Wag kang pikon…” pag kausap ko sa sarili ko. 

I stopped checking my inbox and started accepting work to keep myself busy. Dahil doon, sunod-sunod din ang dating ng mga parcels sa bahay namin. Ang iba, si mama na ang nakaka-received. 

Sa kwarto lang ako buong araw kapag walang pasok. Babad sa mga gadgets ko. Filming and editing. Mas pinag-iigihan ko pa ngayon para makabili ako ng bagong camera, lalo na at pasuko na ang gamit ko ngayon. I bought my old camera when I was in first year. 

“Damn…” I clicked my tongue when I noticed the time. 

Tuwing dinner lang ako bumababa. Or lunch if my mother is in our house. Gutom na rin ako kaya wala akong choice kung hindi bumaba.

Nasa hapag na silang tatlo, at ako nalang ang hinihintay. My mother smiled at me and motioned for me to sit down. Hindi pa ako nakakapag sandok ng pagkain ko nang magsalita si lola.

“Cri, bukas… magsimba ka,” utos nito.

I licked my bottom lip. “La, marami pa akong pendings sa school.” 

It's always like this. Dinadahilan ko na marami pa akong gagawin kahit ang totoo, Saturday pa lang, tinatapos ko na lahat. I am giving myself a day to laze around and that is Sunday. 

“Sa kanya dapat ang araw ng lingo, Cri. Sa lunes mo na ituloy.” 

“Hindi pwede, La. Pasahan namin ang lunes. Babagsak ako.” I reasoned out. I know that Sunday is for him, but I can spend time naman for him without going to church. 

“Sa impyerno rin ang bagsak mo na bata ka. Patay na ‘yang holy spirit mo, hindi mo pinapakain. Kahit yata magbasa ng bible hindi mo magawa.” There goes the tone of anger in her voice again. Simply because I didn’t comply. 

I used to be active in church but there are things na kailangan na itigil. It's not that I am against our religion. May mga bagay lang talaga na hindi nagtutugma ang opinyon ko sa opinyon nila. They can make you feel accepted, yes… but they'll burden you with things you don't even want to do. Or they won't understand the word ‘busy’. Apparently, if you love him, you'll make time. 

Which I definitely agree with. Pero paano kung nakakamatay na ang schedule ko? Won't he be able to understand that? I bet he does. Sila lang ang hindi. 

This is why I am better off without any religion attached to me. 

I grew up listening to them how great the creator is… and there is no doubt in that. It's just that… They kept saying things I refuse to understand. Pushing their beliefs onto her? I cannot take that. 

I am no longer inside the bubble they created for me. I understand now how the other religion works. And I respect them, individually. Which they failed to teach me. 

“Sure na ‘yon, la?” I murmured. Marahan akong siniko ni mama, umiiling. 

Bumakas ang irita sa mukha ko nang simulan na niyang banggitin ang pangalan ng mga kaibigan ko. How I failed to invite them to join us, instead, ako ang sumama. Ako pa raw ang napasama. I wanted to argue. To stand on my ground. For me and for my friends. If it wasn’t for my mother patting my legs gently, calming me. 

“Matanda na… Konting pasensya pa, Cri.” 

A sarcastic smile appeared on my lips. Ayon lagi ang linyang naririnig ko sa tuwing hindi ako pwede sumagot. 

Umakyat ako sa kwarto ko at doon nagkulong. Tinuloy ang naiwan na trabaho. I sighed when I heard a knock against my door.

“Magsisimba ka bukas.” There goes the reminder again. 

I brushed my hair with my fingers frustratedly. Hindi na talaga ako natahimik sa bahay na ‘to. 

Nang matapos ko na i-edit ang mga raw videos ko, including my peta's, I did my skincare and throw myself on my bed. Sighing, as I felt the soft mattress on my back. Unti-unting nawawala ang pagod. 

I scrolled on the clock app, watching random videos, until I found myself watching every video of user KioJu again. 

Gusto ko talaga ang style niya. I just wished I could try it too… but I couldn't possibly buy clothes similar to her and wear them freely. Pati damit, issue sa pamilya ko. I admired her fashion even though I am leaning to a soft girl vibe. Ma-pastel akong tao. 

“Hindi talaga nag reply…” I pouted my lips. Tibay. 

Nonchalant yan? Well, wala pa rin tatalo sa pagiging nonchalant ng gobyerno natin. 

I didn’t know what's gotten into me when I messaged her again. I clicked my tongue when I already pressed the send button. 

Shion:
Hi!

Mabilis akong napaupo nang makita na typing ito. I crossed my legs and put my pillow on my lap. Biting my nail while waiting for her chat to appear. Natatawa akong nailing nang ma-realized na mukha akong sabik na sabik sa reply niya. 

“Baliw,” I said. 

KioJu:
Is it about the collab again? I'm not interested. 

I read it out loud. Kumunot ang noo ko. Tunog naiirita, ah? 

Shion:
Not really… I just want to get to know you. 😅

Ang desperada naman ng dating… 

My eyes widened when she replied again. Entertaining me now. My shoulder loosened as she actively replied to me. Mostly, ang topic namin about sa damit. Kunwari ay interesado talaga ako sa brand ng mga damit niya just to keep our conversation long. 

Baliw na yata talaga ako. O baka side effect ng pagtanggi niya sa akin? 

Shion:
If you don't mind me asking… this is the second time you have declined my offer. Hindi ko pa nga na-open ulit, nag no ka na. Bakit? 

I think my heart will burst from the sheer nervousness while waiting for her answer. Am I too makulit? I think so.

KioJu:
You really want to do a collaboration, huh? What for? Your account is well established. Hindi tayo same ng niche. At bakit? haha. I am not comfortable flaunting my face. 

KioJu:
I hope this will make you stop. 

My hand flew on my mouth. I scoffed upon reading her last message.  

You wish, user KioJu. 

☕️