Brenna

After the party, Shea and I are cleaning up the mess. Mom was okay with me hosting. Her only request was that the house be clean when she arrives home tomorrow morning; she's staying at my uncle's place until then. 

Shea and I have spoken little. The party was chaotic but fun. We played games and watched our teammates get drunk. Hunter and KJ are passed out on the couch in the living room, sleeping, while Shea collects empty bottles and I provide them with pillows and blankets. Catina and Evren are asleep in the spare room. And poor Jayden is sleeping in the bathtub. He drank too much.

After I've tucked pillows under the heads of Hunter and KJ, and covered them in blankets, I join Shea. There aren't many empty cans and bottles around. The space is still dirty, though. We work in proximity, and I can hear Shea humming a song.

"What song are you humming?" I ask.

Shea keeps his head down as he collects the bottles. I don't know how he still has energy to move that fast. I feel like a turtle. Any adrenaline has finally worn off. Exhaustion is cemented in my bones. "'New Year's Day' by Taylor Swift."

My heart pinches. It's crazy how badly this is affecting Shea. He seemed like the type of person who would love change. When we first started working together, all he wanted was a different life. Now he can't seem to let go of everything in the Okanagan Valley. Which I understand. Change is hard to accept. We plead for it, but when the time comes, it's intimidating.

Setting my black garbage bag down, I grab Shea's bicep and tug him to the stairs. He plants his feet against the hardwood, forcing me to stop. Annoyance flashes in his eyes. "What are you doing? We need to finish cleaning up."

I sigh. "Clean up can wait, Shea. We need to have this conversation. You're using clean-up as a distraction."

His shoulders slouch, and he lets me guide him up the stairs to my bedroom. We're not alone in the house, but as soon as my bedroom door closes, it feels like we are. My window is open, so there's a cool breeze trickling in. The lights are dim, casting shadows across the room.

Shea sits down at the foot of my bed. I sit next to him.

We sit in silence for several seconds, unsure about how to start this inevitable conversation. I stare at my hands, replaying the discussion I had with mom. There is hope after a relationship ends. If it's not toxic, that is. Space and time can be beneficial. Shea and I don't have any shared issues to work out. These issues are individual and are based on how young we are. There is a world out there. One that we need to approach from different angles. Shea accepted his scholarship. I've been accepted to UBC in Vancouver. He'll be on the East Coast. I'll be on the West Coast.

I open my mouth, but Shea cuts me off.

"I'm disappointed in myself," he says. He rubs his palms together, staring at the window. His jaw is set and his gaze is hard. "I was ignorant. I wasted all those years."

My mouth pinches to one side. Shea was ignorant and a terrible person. He needs to be held accountable for it, and I know he'll continue to do so. Seeing him fight for change and develop a new perception has been amazing. It's what made me fall in love with him. When the effort is there, it's admirable.

But I also have to be held accountable. I participated in the events. And I'm not talking about the bet. I'm talking about the rude comments and angsty attitudes we shared. People will bash you for taking the higher road and not fighting fire with fire. But I was part of the problem. I fuelled the irrational hatred between us as much as Shea did.

One thing I will not regret, though, is standing up for myself and feminism. And that's where the difference lies. Contributing to the hatred doesn't count as standing up for myself. It put me in the same field as Shea. I'm glad we both learned we deserve better. He needed to learn the proper way to treat people affected by sexism and the absence of intersectionality. I needed to learn to balance life. Even if Shea and I are over, I'll never regret the limited time we spent together.

Shea exhales. "I think we need to call it quits after we graduate. We need to embrace this new chapter of our lives. If we stay together... Brenna, I can't bear the thought of holding you back. You don't deserve to miss opportunities. Neither do I. However, I have an idea."

I bite my bottom lip, holding back tears. "What?"

He takes my hand and threads his fingers through mine. His calloused grip is warm and comforting. My heart feels like it's home. And the thought of us ending our relationship breaks my heart. He looks at me, his hazel eyes burning with emotions. He looks so vulnerable it hurts. The desperation visible on his face feels like a punch to the gut. 

"Time can strengthen emotions. If... If you can't go a day without thinking about me until you graduate, what if we try again? The same goes for me. If time emphasizes longing, we can get back together. Find a way." 

A tear slips down my cheek as I nod. It's the best option we can consider. We need to step away from our lives based in the Okanagan, break free from this valley, and explore opportunities.

"We make the most of our remaining months. Of graduation and this summer. Then we part ways. Keep in touch but omit the relationship factors," he continues. "That way we can date whoever we want. Do whatever we want. There won't be any obligations to hold us back. University is about experience more than anything. We need to experience that even if—"

He chokes on his words. Then he clears his throat. A tear slips down his cheek.

"Even if it means we have to spend time away from each other."

I sniffle, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my sweater. I wanted the night to end differently. But this conversation was inevitable. "I like that. The promise. I'm positive I won't go a day without thinking about you, Shea. Without wanting you." My gaze focuses on the open window. We could have done a lot more had we found common ground sooner. "There was so much I wanted to do with you."

He chuckles, despite his tears. "I'm not ready for it yet. I think that's part of the reason I proposed this. Sex... while I want to experience it one day, I want my life to feel a little more solid. Don't take that personally, Brenna. I'd love to know everything about you. I just... if it ever happens between us, I want it to be extra special."

My smile is weak. To be honest, I was hoping tonight's conversation would lead to sex. But I won't tell Shea that. Nor will I tell him I bought condoms. They're in the drawer of my nightstand. I don't want him to feel pressured. If he's not ready, then I can wait. I'll wait until we meet again.

"That's fine," I say. "You don't need to apologize. That's the point of equality. We decide based on what we both want. And if someone is uncomfortable with something, we find an alternative route."

Using the back of his hand, he wipes his tears away. "Fuck. Why am I so emotional?"

I poke him in the ribs. "Because you're a loser."

He tosses his head back and laughs. "Good thing you used your teasing tone or else I may have stormed out of here."

"I would've run after you."

Smiling, Shea wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and embrace the warmth radiating from him. He kisses my neck, murmuring incoherent words.

"What?" I ask.

"If I had to choose a song to define us, I'd choose 'Daylight' by Taylor Swift," he says.

I pull out of the hug, staring at him. "What is with your sudden interest in Taylor Swift?"

He shrugs. "Chelsea's been listening to her, and I've concluded she owns my life. Her music is so relatable it's scary. But I love it. Don't judge me. I'm going through a permanent phase."

I smile. "Well, you have excellent taste in music now. Welcome to the music industry. Also, no judgement here. I love her music."

My voice cracks a little because he's right. 'Daylight' is our song. Every single lyric relates to us and our lives. We have to let our imaginations run wild. We're defined by the things we love. Our passions. Those passions need to be nurtured. Even though we both love hockey, there are separate paths for us to take. Different opportunities.

All we can do is hope.

Hope that I'll get to see Shea shrug again and again.

Hope we find each other again.