Brenna

"You chickened out?!" Ella exclaims. "Brenna! After the discussion we had?"

"He accused me of having an eating disorder!"

"For the record," Hunter inputs. "He did not. Shea was concerned about your comment, Brenna. Trust me. I heard the conversation. All he did was express his concern." He pauses. "It concerned me, too, Bren."

I flash Hunter a look. "You're not helping."

Hunter shrugs. He's dressed in a dark pair of jeans and sleek button up. We're climbing the stairs to his house. Hunter picked us up because his driveway doesn't have enough room for several vehicles. "You're avoiding your emotions, Brenna. It's not healthy."

"Why is everyone concerned about my health?!"

Ella stops mid-step, cocking an eyebrow. "Because we care about you?"

I adjust the bag of presents hanging from my arm. My mood is plummeting.

I roll my eyes. "Okay, Hella, knock it off."

Hunter frowns. "Hella?"

"That's your nickname. Hella. You're acting like a married couple that's worried about their youngest daughter."

Ella's grin is crooked as she glances at Hunter. "That's a good name."

Hunter grins, too. He nudges Ella. "We may have to explore that."

They both burst out laughing. Hunter and Ella would never date. Hunter's too engrossed by Willa, and Ella is still in love up with KJ. Besides, they're too much alike. I believe in the opposites attracting each other. Dating someone like you would be like dating yourself. Predictable. Annoying.

While they continue to discuss their couple name, I remove my phone from my pocket. As usual, it lags when I turn it on.

I tap the screen. After I broke mine, I ordered a new one online. With Christmas being so close, the mail system is backed up. I won't get mine until after Boxing Day. That's why I'm stuck with the one I had prior to the one I broke. It's slow and annoying.

"Goddamn it," I mutter. I tap the screen again.

"Tapping the screen won't do anything," Hunter teases.

I stick my tongue out at him.

"Mature," he notes.

We're at the front door, so Hunter opens it for Ella and I. Hunter's parents have left for the evening, but it feels like his mom is still here. The scent of her favourite candle reminds me of her. It's Frosted Cranberry from Bath & Body Works. A smile tugs at my lips as I kick my shoes off. Hunter's mom is a sweetheart.

And Hunter is just like her.

Right away, he's explaining where everything is, who's here, et cetera. He's being what his mom would call a good host.

"Jayden, Nick, Drew, Catina, and Evren are here already. Shea and KJ are carpooling together, so they should be here soon. Drinks and snacks are in the kitchen. We're ordering pizza later, so don't eat too much."

Ella and I exchange a glance. Sometimes, Hunter cares too much. Not that caring is a flaw. But what he's explaining is obvious. Neither of us say anything, though. Hunter's happy. Ruining his happiness would be rude.

"I can take your bags," Hunter says. "I'll put them under the Christmas tree."

We hand over our bags.

Hunter leaves Ella and me alone to remove our shoes and jackets.

"I see Shea and Kaleb are fashionably late," Ella says.

Pressing my lips together, I ignore Ella's comment. She wants more information about why I chickened out.

As soon as I bumped into Shea at the outdoor rink, my intention was to ask him out. After analyzing the rules set by the league, I've decided I no longer want to abide by them. My hockey skills have nothing to do with who I date. Shea and I can separate hockey from romance. We can still play hockey, driven to win and not care about the other team. Sure, maybe I'll feel a little worse when Shea's team loses in OT. That doesn't mean I'll stop playing hockey and let them win. No way.

Shea's words caught me off-guard. They're what prevented me from asking him out. He gets riled and will blurt out his first thought. He's fearless. Never afraid to speak his mind or express his emotions.

It scares me a little. Because I know if I step over the line, this isn't some fake relationship. Shea and I are similar in that respect. We go all in.

Everything about dating terrifies me. Putting my heart in someone's hands and trusting them to not break it...

Expelling a deep breath, I grab my shoes and stick them in the closet. "They're always late," I mutter.

Total lie. Shea despises being late. He once told me he'll leave an hour early for practice. Then, if he arrives early, he'll sit in his vehicle for half an hour until it's at least ten to.

Glancing at my Apple Watch, I frown. They're forty-five minutes late. It worries me a little. The roads are icy, and the drive up to Hunter's house isn't easy. But I remind myself that both KJ and Shea have jobs. They could be late for the same reason Ella and I are: we just got off of work.

The worry present in my gut doesn't fade as we enter the living room. Jayden, Nick, Hunter, Evren, Catina, and Drew are sitting on the couch. They've covered the coffee table in a game of Monopoly. At the foot of the coffee table is a red cooler.

From here, the game looks intense. They've forgotten their drinks on the edges, threatening to spill with just a single bump.

"Come on!" Nick whines.

Catina shakes her head. "Nope. Give up the game or mortgage your property."

Nick's expression represents exasperation. "For eleven dollars in rent money?"

She tips her chin to the ceiling, refusing to back down.

Nick tosses his money down. "Fuck this. I'm out."

He transfers the rest of his money to Catina, then throws everything else in the middle. Whoever lands on Free Parking will gain five more properties. And shit-ton of money from people who have been paying taxes or battered by Chance and Community Chest cards.

"Monopoly," Ella sighs. "The board game that destroys relationships."

Most of them glance at us. Nick is too busy stirring in his own pot of dark emotions. He hasn't stopped glaring at Catina. Someone should've warned Nick. Cat doesn't like to lose. She'll play dirty.

"Brenna!" Jayden waves a can in the air. "Catch!"

Thank god my reflexes are good. I catch the can and turn it over in my hands. It's a gin smash. One of my favourite drinks. I crack the can open, taking a couple of sips. Perhaps it'll calm my nerves.

Jayden tosses one to Ella, too. She smiles, but doesn't open the drink. She likes gin, but something tells me that can will remain full. Ella doesn't know Drew or Nick very well. She's nervous around them. Not that I can blame her. Nerves are the reason I refuse to go to Preston's birthday party with Shea. He thinks it'll up our fool Connor game. I'm sure it will. But I'm not comfortable being around Shea's teammates when it's just Shea, Jayden, KJ, and I. I want some of the Westside boys there, too. Hunter, Drew, and Nick. The larger the crowd, the better.

It's not that I don't trust Shea, Jayden, or KJ. They've proven to be good friends.

When you're a woman, there's a constant uneasy feeling when you're out in public. Especially around men.

You just never know.

So I understand why Ella sets her drink on the coffee table when we sit. I wedge myself between Catina and Evren. Ella sits next to Hunter, leaving a space on her opposite side. I bet she's saving that spot for KJ.

"Who's winning?" I ask.

"Me," Catina replies. She tosses her hair over her shoulder. "As usual."

"Cocky jerk," Nick mutters.

Cat takes a sip of her drink, flashing a devilish grin at Nick. "You're just jealous. I'm the Monopoly queen. You've never won against me."

Nick lifts his drink and takes a sip. He frowns when he realizes it's empty. Then he climbs to his feet. "I'm grabbing another one."

Hunter opens his mouth, gesturing to the cooler.

"No," Nick says, cutting Hunter off. "I don't want any of your light shit. Beer isn't cutting it tonight. I need tequila."

Evren loosens a low whistle. "Hitting the hard stuff, eh? I could go for a margarita. Brenna, play a round for me, please?"

She follows Nick into the kitchen.

Cat nudges the dice to me. "Your turn."

I observe the board. "Which piece is Evren?"

"The shoe," Drew snorts. "Who uses the shoe?"

Rolling the dice, I move Evren's piece seven spaces. I land on Chance. The card I pick up sends me to jail.

This is why I don't play Monopoly. I have shitty luck in board games. Except Aggravation, which I hope we play later. It's my favourite marble game, and I do not play to win. Instead, I play to aggravate the other players. Pissing them off is entertaining.

We play a couple of rounds before Evren and Nick return.

That's who I'm assuming the footsteps belong to, anyway.

I'm wrong.

"KJ," Hunter says. Just like the good host he is, Hunter embraces KJ with a half-hug and a clap to the back. "When did you get here?"

"We let ourselves in," KJ shrugs. "Figured the party would be raging."

I glance at our group. Aside from breaking the law, we're not a rager group. We're board games and Mario Kart while enjoying overpriced drinks.

The next thought that crosses my mind is Where is Shea? KJ said we, but I don't see Shea anywhere. All I see is KJ and his presents. The bag hangs from his shoulder. He's dressed in a pair of blue jeans, a white T-shirt, and a brown leather jacket. His hair is slicked back. Only a single strand rests on his forehead. It's curled.

KJ's a good-looking man. I understand why Ella's attracted to him.

Still, my mind redirects all thoughts to Shea. My heart threatens to cave in on itself. He probably bailed because of me.

The question sits on my tongue.

Hunter beats me to it.

He glances behind him. "Where's Smith?"

KJ jerks his thumb over his shoulder. "Gathering presents. He should be in right about... now."

When Shea steps into the room, my breath hitches. I've seen him in a suit. In his fucking grey joggers and white T-shirt. He's worn compression pants and no shirt. Baggy shorts that hang low on his hips.

But seeing him in tan pants and a tight dark-red dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows is detrimental to my mental health. I almost drop my gin smash.

He's wearing his Apple Watch. No hat. His hair is tousled. The top button of his shirt is undone, teasing me with a peek at his broad chest.

All Shea needs are some forearm tattoos. Maybe some glasses.

Fuck.

"Fuck," Catina whispers. "He's hot."

I elbow her in the ribs. "Shut up."

Drew chuckles. "Someone's bothered."

I'll kill both of them. No one will find their bodies until spring, when the snow melts. By then, my fingerprints will have washed away. No one will know I committed a felony.

But they're right. Shea's hot and I'm bothered. Although he's across the room, I can imagine the scent of his cologne. The feeling of his hand pressed against my lower back. His lips on mine.

When our eyes meet, he smiles. It's a weak smile, lacking emotion. That concerns me. Ever since things shifted, his smile has never faltered. Be it cockiness or caring, Shea isn't afraid to display emotions. Right now? He looks like he's trying to weather his way through the party.

"Hey, Smith," Hunter says.

"Tucker."

They bump fists.

"Where do we put the presents?" KJ asks.

Hunter gestures to the tree. It's next to the fireplace. "Right there. Can I get you anything to drink?"

KJ holds up the other bag hanging over his arm. "Already covered. Thanks, though."

Shea clears his throat, tearing his gaze from mine. "Got any tea? I'm driving, and it was cold outside gathering the presents."

I jump to my feet. "I can put the kettle on."

Behind me, Drew and Cat snort. I shrug off their reactions. Fine. Maybe I do sound a little too eager.

Jayden catches my eye. He's smirking at me from behind his bottle of beer. The urge to flip him the bird is strong, but I don't.

Little do my friends know that I'm trying to remove myself from the living room. With Shea here, the air is difficult to breathe. It feels stuffy. As if someone turned the furnace up.

When I enter the kitchen, I ignore Evren and Nick. They're in the far corner, next to the coffee bar, discussing how to make the proper margarita.

From the stove, I grab the kettle and fill it with water. Once the kettle is on, I rummage through the cupboards for a mug. Hunter's dad loves to collect mugs from vacations. There's one from Disneyland, Greece, Seattle, Montréal, and even one from Alaska. I choose a plain red one, and not because it matches Shea's shirt.

I'm not sure what kind of tea Shea likes, so I grab the basket tucked away in the corner cupboard.

My hands shake as I set down the mug and basket of tea bags. After the night at the outdoor rink, I'm nervous about talking to Shea.

Which is contradictory to my actions.

Him entering the kitchen at some point is inevitable. We're bound to have a conversation. But perhaps that's why I volunteered to make tea. Once Nick and Evren leave with their drinks, Shea and I will be alone. Our inevitable discussion is only meant for our ears.

Sighing, I grab another mug. The urge to drink has been replaced. A cup of tea will do me good. From the basket, I choose spearmint green tea.

"Avoiding the drinking tonight, too?"

My stomach clenches at the sound of his voice.

When I meet his gaze, he's not looking at me. He's looking at the tea basket. He reaches over and pulls the basket across the island. While Shea rifles through it, I try to find my tongue.

"Uh, yeah. The gin smash wasn't working tonight."

"Fair enough." Shea plucks a tea bag from the basket. "Alcohol is overrated anyway. Look where it got me."

I squint at him, cocking my head to the side. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He tears open the packaging and drops it in his mug. "It means I made stupid decisions because of drinking. Do I regret the decision? Yes and no."

My lips part, then close.

"Brenna..."

"What?"

Shea struggles with his words before resorting to a sigh. My shoulders deflate.

"Nothing. Never mind. This isn't the right time."

I blink as if I've been slapped. What is that supposed to mean?

Before I can ask, Shea walks away.

*  *  *

"Spin the bottle? Are you serious?"

With Catina, Nick, Drew, Hunter, and KJ drunk, it feels like we're stuck at a rager. Ella already had to pull KJ down from the coffee table. His dancing skills are not the best. Drew and Nick are discussing how they can get their hands on some gummies. Now Catina is suggesting we play spin the bottle.

"Yeah!" Catina says. She claps her hands together. "It'll be fun!"

She's slurring her words. So bad I can hardly understand them.

We're all sitting around the coffee table again. The game of Monopoly is over and done with. Catina won. Nick was pissed. Now they're both nodding in aggressive agreement.

"Dude! I haven't played spin the bottle for years. Let's do it!"

I roll my eyes. All Nick wants to do is make out with Catina. They've been batting their eyes at each other all night.

"While that sounds like fun," Ella says. "I think we should open presents."

Before the night is too far gone.

Ella doesn't need to say that. Her tone implies it.

Me, Jayden, Shea, and Ella are the only sober ones. Evren is present, but she's one drink shy of joining the rest of them in Drunkland.

Hunter tosses a cheese puff at Ella. It hits her forehead. KJ then grabs it from her lap and eats it.

Shea's sitting next to me on the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch him wrinkling his nose. "Man," he says. "That's disgusting."

"Five second rule," KJ drawls.

He loops an arm around Ella's shoulders and presses a kiss to her cheek. Ella's expression is bittersweet. They've been like this all night. Trying not to show affection, but failing. I feel bad for Ella. She's too afraid to stand against her father. Every person in the Taylor family has succeeded in law school. Something Ella doesn't want to do. Her dad thinks boys are nothing but a distraction, as are any subjects not related to achieving entry into law school.

Ella takes the drink from KJ. "Kaleb, I think it's time to take a break from drinking."

KJ juts out his bottom lip and mutters something about what he really wants to do.

Shea pinches the bridge of his nose. I cringe.

That was too much information.

God, tonight is a shit-show.

"That's boring. Don't be such a party pooper, Ella!" Hunter hiccups. "C'mon. It'll be fun."

Catina grabs a nearby empty beer bottle. She's decided. We're playing, no matter how many people protest.

While she's doing that, Jayden excuses himself, muttering something about needing water and another slice of pizza.

Once the bottle is on the coffee table, Catina surveys the group. She's tapping her finger against her bottom lip. When she sees Shea and I sitting next to each other, she grins. "Brenna. You can go first."

"Thanks," I drawl. "But I'm not playing. This game is for children."

Catina frowns.

Hunter tosses a cheese puff at me. It hits my cheek. "Come on, Bren."

Shea reaches over and picks up the cheese puff.

I glance at him. "If you eat that, I'll throw up."

Shea gives me a look. "Are you kidding me? I'd never eat it."

Instead, he tosses it back at Hunter. "Leave her alone, Tucker. If she doesn't want to play, she doesn't have to."

"Will you play?" Hunter asks.

"Sure," Shea shrugs. "It's just a game."

The thought of him kissing Evren, Cat, or Ella makes my stomach twist with jealousy. 

"You know what?" I ask. "Maybe I will play."

Hunter and KJ exchange a look. One that I ignore. Maybe I'm being a little too obvious. Do I care? Nope.

Reaching out, I grab the bottle and spin it. It spins twice before the speed slows down. I want it to land on Shea. But I also don't. I'll kiss Hunter if I have to.

I just don't want Shea kissing anyone else.

Yes, it makes me a hypocrite.

Sure enough, the bottle lands on Hunter.

I get up from my knees. "Get ready to pucker up, Tucker."

Then he does the unthinkable.

Hunter reaches out and turns the bottle around, forcing it to point at Shea.

He fakes confusion as he says, "Check again, Bren. I'm not the one you're kissing."

My mouth drops open. "You can't do that!"

"Do what?" Hunter asks. A quizzical expression rests on his face. "I saw nothing, did you guys?"

A chorus of "nos" echoes through the group. Even Ella agrees.

Panic erupts in my chest. I look around the group for Jayden. He'll put a stop to this.

One problem: he never returned.

Feeling exasperated, I run a hand through my hair and look at Shea. "Well? Do you have anything to say?"

His response is a shrug.

A fucking shrug.

I could throttle him for shrugging again. He never stops shrugging.

My frustration subsides a little, though. Shea doesn't look upset with this turn of events. He looks... offended.

Oh, fuck.

Of course he won't say anything. Because he wants to kiss me. I can see it in the way he won't meet my gaze. The sudden tenseness in his posture. The way his jaw tics.

"Come on, Harrison!" KJ urges. "Kiss 'em."

"Brenna," Cat says. "Don't be a chicken."

They continue to encourage me.

Shea doesn't look at me while I stare at him.

I suppress a groan. I'd rather kiss Hunter and call it a night. Now I have to kiss the guy I'm falling for. The one who seems to care too much. Who used to be a straight-up asshat.

This is problematic.

I'm not as drunk as I should be. That means I'll feel and remember the emotions that come with this kiss.

Why did I have to revert to tea?

My pulse speeds up and my palms turn clammy.

I swallow as my cheeks heat. What's wrong with me? This isn't the first time we've kissed. Hell, it won't be the last. Not if I can stop suppressing my feelings and just ask him out already.

Just as I'm about to sit beside Shea and peck him on the lips, he stands. He crosses his arms and presses his lips together. Then he expels a deep breath.

"What are you so scared of?" he asks. He gestures between us. "I don't know what this is, Brenna, but you need to get your shit together. All we've been doing is worrying about you. Offering you a shoulder to cry on. Yet you continue to push us away. There is nothing weak in being vulnerable."

Oh.

Oh wow.

I didn't expect Shea to have an outburst, despite him never being afraid to speak his mind.

He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "Then you pull this kind of shit. You didn't want to let go of me in the stairwell. And at the rink? I thought... This is how you lose people. You shut them out because you're too engrossed in your emotions to care about others. That's what I did..." He trails off, shaking his head. "Fuck. You know what? I need a drink."

My blood buzzes as I recount that moment in the stairwell.

Then it deflates as I think back to our conversation at the outdoor rink. All he did was try. Aside from a few honest words spoken, I shut him down. I also suppressed my feelings.

Because it's what I'm used to. I'm used to being on my own. The only girl in the league. The only one without a present father. I'm the physical representation of being alone.

Words get caught on my tongue as Shea stares back. He's expecting an answer or a reaction, but I don't have one.

Sighing, he shakes his head and exits the room, heading for the kitchen.

Nick loosens a low whistle. "Talk about dra-ma."

"Shut the fuck up, Nick," Ella says.

She untangles herself from KJ and walks up to me. Her hand is warm and comforting as she rests it on my shoulder. "You okay?" she murmurs.

"I need some air," I mutter.

Shrugging Ella off, I exit the living room in the opposite direction of Shea. The hallway is dark and quiet, almost stuffy. At the end of the hallway is a door. It leads to the back porch.

Although it's cold and snowing and I have no jacket, I exit. The cold air is a slap to the face. However, what's even more shocking is that Jayden's already out here.

He's staring into the distance, wrapped in a blanket he must've grabbed from the spare room.

"Mind if I sit?" I ask.

Sipping his beer, Jayden gestures to the space next to him. "No one's stopping you."

A crease forms between my brows, but I don't question him. He was out here first. Something's bothering him. He sounds standoffish, too. I glance over my shoulder. Perhaps I should leave. However, talking to Shea right now doesn't sound appealing. My nerves are too edgy. I need to calm down before I talk to him.

Plus, the group just experienced the drama first-hand.

So I sit beside Jayden.

"What brings you out here?" he asks. His voice sounds stuffy.

I cross my arms, suppressing a shiver. Unless I grab my jacket, I won't last long out here. "Drama."

The blanket is large, so Jayden offers part of it to me. "I don't bite."

Without hesitation, I slide closer to Jayden. Our shoulders brush as I wrap the blanket around my body. "Thanks."

He averts his gaze to the snow-covered yard. "Don't mention it."

We lapse into a stiff silence. Which is strange. Jayden and I are good friends. And as I comb back through my memories, I don't find any red flags. I'm not sure what went wrong between us.

Jayden sniffles, wiping his nose.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

Jayden stares off into the distance. His breath comes out in white puffs. I note how tense his jaw is. How tight his grip is on his bottle of Corona. I remind myself to thank Jayden's older brother for buying us alcohol. I'm wishing I had another gin smash.

He takes a deep breath.

"I'm bisexual, Brenna," Jayden says. "With graduation coming up..." He runs a hand through his hair. "I thought it would be a good idea to come out to my parents. Everything's changing anyway..." He trails off, his head hanging low. "Fuck, I don't know what I was thinking. They hate me now."

I'm surprised. "Oh, well, um... that's good. I'm glad you found the courage, Jayden. Thank you for trusting me. I'm sorry about your parents."

Jayden glances at me. His nose is red. So are his eyes. "You sound unimpressed."

"No!" I exclaim. "I'm just a little... surprised. I have nothing against peoples' sexualities. They're part of what makes this world diverse. Cut me some slack, though, okay? You sprang the news on me. However, I will admit I'm in the wrong. I shouldn't be surprised. Sexualities need to be normalized. It's something I'm working on."

His expression relaxes. "Right. I'm sorry, Brenna. It's just... My parents didn't take well to my coming out. Especially my dad. I feel defensive."

I rest a hand on his back. "Of course you do. You have every right to be. But I'm here for you, Jayden. Don't let yourself think otherwise. I'm sorry about displaying my shock. I understand how disheartening that can be."

"You can't tell anyone," he pleads. "If Connor finds out..."

I cut him off with a snort. "Are you fucking kidding me? I would never tell someone about your sexuality, Jayden. That's your information to share. Not mine." 

The way Connor and his entourage would react concerns me. Straight white men dominate hockey. Groups are trying to become more inclusive, but there's still lots of progress that needs to be made. Especially in the community. Connor would ruin Jayden.

"Right." Jayden shakes his head. "Again, sorry. I'm defensive." Jayden still won't make eye contact with me. "I shouldn't have to 'come out.' How come straight people don't have to?"

"We know the answer to that already." I run my fingers across the bottom step. They come back covered in snow. I watch as it melts. "Society doesn't give a shit about how people identify. They prefer you stick to the 'norm' and make everything less complicated. People still complain about pronouns and Pride Month. I'm not devaluing the people who are accepting. It's just a pain in the ass when people are against something and they're so vocal about it. Even when they're in the wrong."

It's the cold, brutal truth. Which is why more people need to be educated on intersectionality. No two people are the same. We all have different access to privileges. Life will always be susceptible to change. Whether that change is positive or negative depends on the people.

Jayden takes a sip of his beer. "How people identify matters. It's part of who they are. It just... It doesn't bother me." A harsh, hollow laugh is expelled as he runs a hand through his hair. "Which is problematic when you're playing hockey. A sport dominated by straight white men. If any of them knew..."

"Amen to that," I mutter.

"I just..."

He's directing this conversation somewhere else. I decide to let him. Jayden's had a rough day. He needs someone to talk to.

"Gender... it's a social construct. Your sex doesn't define your gender. With my preferences for romantic interests, I respect their identities and acknowledge them. It's just... gender doesn't bother me, like I said. What I fall in love with are their qualities and personalities. Who they are as a person..." He trails off, picking at the label of his beer. "Obviously I still recognize their sex, but yeah... I think it's amazing. Beautiful. We should all love people for who they are. Not just because of their gender."

"Love is love," I nod. "You don't need to justify your sexuality, Jayden. I think being bisexual is beautiful, too. We think too much about how a person is presented. Not who they present themselves as. There's a big difference."

Jayden flashes me a genuine smile. He then throws his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in for a half-hug. "Why can't there be more people like you?"

I shake my head. "You saying that is horrible, Jayden. Accepting people for who they are shouldn't be praised. It should be expected. Anyone who doesn't should be ashamed. Anyone who does shouldn't be praised. This world is fucked."

He sighs. "You have a point. But still. Thank you, Brenna."

I nudge my shoulder against his. "I'm nothing special. The world is just full of bad people."

Jayden takes a sip of his beer. "Enough about me. How are you doing? Smith... he mentioned something about your dad showing up."

My mood darkens. Tension is taut in my heart. Pain is bubbling in my throat, causing tears to burn my eyes. 

"I don't mean to intrude," he says.

I bite my bottom lip, allowing him to continue.

"Despite my family's issues with my sexuality, your issues are important, too. I know you're having a rough time, Brenna. It's easy to see. Whether that's with Shea or your family, I'm here for you." He pauses and sighs. "I'm tired of talking about myself, too. We can have a more in-depth conversation about me another time. Today's been exhausting." He glances over his shoulder. "Those morons inside aren't making it any easier. They're so drunk. I can't handle immaturity very well. To a point, yeah. Right now? I'm on the brink of snapping."

I toss my head back and laugh. "It's insane! They're wasted. Catina and Hunter tried to make Shea and I kiss over a game of spin the bottle."

"No way," he laughs. "That game is for middle schoolers."

"Right?"

Our chuckles dissipate into the air. The snow is falling harder, and it feels like the temperature continues to drop. I move a little closer to Jayden and tighten the blanket. My time of tolerance is weaning fast. Soon, I'll have to go inside. It's too cold out here.

"Brenna, Hunter told me what happened during the tournament in Kamloops. He also told me you keep shutting him and Shea down whenever they try to speak to you. I know it's difficult to express how you feel. That appearing vulnerable is frowned upon. In case you need a reminder, it's not. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable."

My eyes burn. "I don't know which questions to answer. There are too many running through my head. So many I can't think straight. My appetite is minimal. Exercise is the only thing that can distract me. Plus, I have to keep in shape for hockey."

"Do you want to speak with your dad?"

Do I?

That's the hardest question of all. I would like answers and closure, but the pain is too fresh. Mom raised me to believe she's had no contact with Randy.

How do I overcome betrayal? Because that's what it feels like. Mom kept secrets from me. She's the person I trust most in this world.

"Maybe?" I sigh. "I think I need to make amends with Mom first. Hear her side of the story."

Jayden throws his hands up. "There you go! A step in the right direction."

I give him a look. "Only because you asked me a question."

"What do you think of Shea?"

I counter his question with another. "What do you think of Shea?"

"Personally," Jayden chuckles. "I always thought Shea was asexual. He was adamant about not having a relationship during high school. He never supported any of the hockey boys dating. It seems out of the ordinary for someone to focus on their life before romance. But Shea was being smart. Now? Now I think he's changed his mind."

My tongue feels heavy. 

He side-eyes me. "Shea has a thing for you. In case you failed to detect the obvious. I keep trying to push him—even if it hurts watching your crush fall in love with someone else."

Realization strikes. "Is... Is that why you protected Shea in the locker room? Because you like him?"

Jayden's mouth pinches to one side. "You're not the only one interested in Shea Smith."

"He's difficult to ignore," I sigh, dropping my gaze to my hands.

He laughs. "Fuck. I never thought we'd be sitting out here talking about Shea Smith."

"What makes you like him?"

Jayden runs a hand through his hair. "He's fearless—even when he's scared. Not afraid to be vulnerable or protect the people he cares about. He speaks his mind, too." Jayden rubs his jaw. "Not gonna lie, he's damn good-looking." He glances at me. "What about you?"

I snort. "How do I answer that? Our relationship is complicated. We were rivals before. Now we're not. We... we improved. "

Jayden cocks an eyebrow. "Maybe that's why you like him? Because he was open to improving?"

While that plays a part, I don't think it's that simple. We were friends before we became rivals. There are memories associated with him. With that picture on my wall. I missed having Shea as a friend.

In the end, you can't control who you develop feelings for. Emotions like attraction aren't in our control. It's not like I saw Shea and was like "Yeah, that's the person I want to display interest in."

"Maybe?" I sigh. "Does it matter?" I stare down at my hands. They're cold and turning pink. "I like him a lot, Jayden. But I've got so much on my plate. Dragging him into this doesn't seem right."

"Every person has baggage, Bren. What matters is if the person you want to be with can accept it. As far as I've seen, you accept Shea's accountability. He accepts the damage your mom and dad have caused. That kid wouldn't stop calling you in Kamloops. He couldn't sleep."

A tear trickles down my cheek. "I'm scared, Jayden. Shea's a lot to handle. Like you said, he's fearless. Sometimes, I wish we could take a vacation from our emotions."

Sighing, Jayden slings his arm around my shoulders. "Me too."

Silence settles between us. It's less tense this time. But I still feel bad. I know I'd have difficulty watching Shea fall for someone else.

"I'm sorry," I say.

Jayden snorts. "Don't apologize. Shea is as straight as they come—no pun intended. He's liked you for a long time, Brenna. I never expected anything else."

"Does..." I trail off, wondering if this question is too personal. Too far into the future. But how can I staunch curiosity and dreams? No one can predict how far a relationship will go. "Does he want to settle down?"

Jayden tips his face down, smiling. "Last year, at KJ's birthday party, Shea got shit-faced. He couldn't stop talking about after he's established a life, he wants to settle down. He wants to prove to the world he can be a better dad than his own. That not all men are like his dad."

I roll my eyes. "I hate that saying. Not all men. It's such bullshit."

Jayden chuckles. "It's been coined one too many times. But there is truth in it. What about those rare men who do fight for women? Or white women who don't believe in empowering white supremacy?"

"Tell me when you find one," I snort.

He side-eyes me. "Why do you think Connor broke my nose? Why do you think KJ took that video? What about Shea turning his character around? Brenna, we're not perfect. It's difficult to break free from toxic masculinity. At least we're trying. I know that's not enough. Trying never will be. But that's why we continue to try. So we can be better allies. We owe women. There never should've been a line between sexes."

When I don't reply, he nudges me. "I just don't think it's fair to categorize everyone in one group. There are good people in this world." 

"You have a point," I say, "but you're presenting it in the wrong way, Jayden. Saying something like 'not all men' is a way of letting women know you're uncomfortable with discussing misogyny. That you don't want to take any blame."

Jayden stays silent for several seconds. "You're right. I'm sorry. When I said that, I wasn't trying to dismiss the experiences women have had with men."

I flash him a genuine smile. "Apology accepted. But like you said, you are trying. You're learning. That's more than anyone could ask for. And don't praise me. I don't know everything. There are still things I need to learn, too."

"Isn't that what life is for?" Jayden asks. "To learn?"

"To learn, to live, to love," I shrug.

Jayden cocks an eyebrow at me. "You should follow your advice more often, Brenna."

I roll my eyes. "I'm sure that would go over well."

He nudges me. "Talk to your dad. He doesn't have the right to be in your life, Brenna. Your emotions are valid. But maybe knowing the details will help you find closure or resolution. Whenever you decide to speak, it won't be on his terms. It'll be on yours. He lost that right for leaving you."

I shoot him a playful glare. "You just love hitting it home, don't you?"

Jayden snorts. "I'm a hockey player. Not a baseball player."

"That's not what I meant."

Jayden ignores my jab. "Do you trust Shea?"

"Yes," I reply.

His actions led to gaining my trust. He told me about the bet. He's working to fix his flaws. To uproot the patriarchy.

"Brenna," Jayden says. "You have an opportunity. Take it. He wants you. You want him. Don't let the unknown or baggage dictate your present happiness."

I flash a weak smile at Jayden. "Maybe you should follow your advice."

He tosses his head back and laughs, pulling me into a hug. "We suck at taking our own advice. Kinda makes us hypocrites."

I rest my head against his shoulder. "It does."

"Promise me you'll talk to someone, Brenna. Me or Shea. Tucker. Ella. There are people who care about you. None of us see you as weak. Just a friend that needs support."

My heart pinches. All this time, I've been pushing my friends away. They're willing to help me. I'm a strong young woman, but needing and wanting help doesn't subtract from that.

"I will," I promise. "But just like you said, tonight's been rough. We both deserve a mental health break. You more than me. I'm sorry about your parents, Jayden. If you need anything, I'm here."

He chuckles. It's a melancholic chuckle. "Might need to crash at your house for a couple of weeks, but I think things will be okay."

Glancing at the snowy yard and the low fog, a tender smile appears on my lips. "Me too, Jayden, me too."