Brenna

Christmas shopping is fun. Especially when you're on a roll. So far, I've bought gifts for Mom (despite me still giving her the silent treatment), Hunter, Catina, Jayden, Evren, and Shea. We're five days into the Winter Holidays. It feels good being out of school and taking a break from hockey. I've had more time at the gym. More time to read. Even skating at the Rose Valley Reservoir has been fun.

Everything feels better.

Shea and Hunter have avoided discussing my dad. Connor's been kicked off of the team. I feel like I can breathe again. Also, I'm looking forward to our upcoming Christmas party. Hunter's having it at his place. Giving presents to my friends is my favourite part. I love being the cause of someone's smile. 

"KJ will love this."

I glance at Ella. She's cradling a dark green Yeti tumbler in her hands.

Ella returns my glance. "Kaleb drinks a lot of tea," she elaborates. "He always buys cheap travel coffee mugs from HomeSense. Maybe if he has an expensive one, he'll take better care of it."

My cheek twitches. Something tells me I shouldn't laugh. Although KJ and Ella are broken up, they still act like they're dating. I've seen them hug in the hallway. Ella never misses a hockey game. KJ even buys Ella a pomegranate Vitamin Water every lunch.

I cock an eyebrow. "Not dating, eh?"

Her cheeks turn pink as she turns to the cashier, which is right next to the display of Yeti products. She sets it on the counter, removing her debit card while the cashier rings her through. "Just because you still care about someone doesn't mean you have to date them."

I wait to respond until after she's paid and we're on our way out of the store. While we're passing by Bath & Body Works, I loop my arm through Ella's. "Why did you and KJ break up?"

Ella's posture stiffens. "It doesn't matter why."

I give her a look. "Come on, Ella. I thought you said it's best to discuss your problems. I won't tell him."

She gnaws on her bottom lip for a moment. Then she stops walking, right next to Blenz Coffee. "Want to grab a peppermint hot chocolate? I'll buy."

"Sure," I shrug. It seems only fair after I paid for our lunch.

While Ella orders our drinks, I find a spot to sit. I choose the one closest to Aerie and furthest away from the other tables. It's next to a flower display, decorated with poinsettias, bows, silver glitter, and fake branches of pine. If I inspect, I can see glittery reindeer and snowflakes in the bows' pattern.

My bags are pooled around my feet. I grab the nearest one. It's from Garage, and it holds the present I bought for Shea. From it, I extract a soft, over-sized hot-pink sweater. A smile pinches my mouth to the side. Because it was on sale, I bought it for Shea as a joke. When I saw the sweater, it reminded me of our outing at Scandia. When he chose the hot-pink golf ball.

I splay the sweater across my lap. My chest is warm, and the smile refuses to fade. I can't wait to see Shea's reaction. Part of me thinks he'll wear it just to act like a cocky ass. If he doesn't, I won't take offence. It's a joke. Besides, I also bought him some new Nike sandals and a hockey-lace patterned band for his Apple Watch.

"Shea will love that sweater."

The sweater falls back into my lap. I look at Ella. She's holding two hot chocolates. The smell of peppermint combines with the steam as she sets it down in front of me.

"You think so?"

Ella sits down across from me. Steam dissipates into the air between us.

"Yes," she nods. "Shea loves anything pink. He'll never admit it. Don't you remember the pink T-shirt he would wear during elementary school? I think he wore it for a week straight."

I wrack my brain for any memories including a pink shirt. None are vivid enough to grab onto. The best memory of elementary school I have with Shea is at Silver Lake in grade six. We were on the same team and playing Capture the Flag. Our team won that night, so we could make s'mores. His s'more was the worst. He burnt the marshmallow and the chocolate slipped from between the graham crackers. Shea was a mess. 

"I don't remember," I admit, tucking the sweater away. "That's good to know, though. I was wondering why Shea chose the hot-pink golf ball at Scandia. Anyway, why did you want to sit down?"

Ella sighs, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "You were right. Talking is better than letting it fester. Kaleb and I broke up because my dad found out. He believes I shouldn't be dating. My grades are more important. He wants me to become a lawyer just like the rest of the family. Dad threatened to bring Kaleb down if he came near me again. I minimized the harshness of his threat. We're allowed to be friends. But... but I don't want to be friends with Kaleb. I'm still in love with him."

Before Ella finishes, I conclude she's discussing this with the wrong person. My mood has plummeted. Discussing the concept of fathers with me isn't a good idea. Mom and I still haven't had a conversation about Randy. 

"You don't look impressed," Ella notes. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything about my dad. KJ told me what happened."

She adjusts her grey romper. It's a long-sleeve one from Smash + Tess, with a hood and waistband tie. Ever since I first saw Ella wear it, I've been hoping someone will buy it for me for Christmas. Anyone who follows Jillian Harris on Instagram swears by these rompers. I want one so badly. 

"You two tell each other everything," I mutter.

There's no hate in my voice. Honestly, I don't mind KJ and Ella talking. So long as the information stays between them.

Ella shrugs. "I trust Kaleb. He's a good person. Even you can't deny that."

My mouth twists to one side as I try to prevent a smile. "Fine. I have to agree. KJ's in my outstanding books. He was a genius—in more ways than one. He made Connor look like a moron."

Ella snorts, almost choking on her hot chocolate. "The video was hilarious. I can't believe Connor fell for Kaleb's lie. He's a total moron."

"I know, hey?!" I laugh. 

As our laughter dies out, I sigh. "Ella, if you're still in love with KJ, you shouldn't let your dad get in the way. Just like... just like I shouldn't be hating on my mom because of my dad. There's more to the story. I haven't given Mom a chance to explain."

Smiling, Ella taps the lid of her peppermint hot chocolate. "This shit is magical." She winks. "It can get anyone talking. I'm sorry you had to meet your dad like that. It must've been shocking."

No response forms on my tongue. I'm unsure of what to say. I'm conflicted. Although I should give Mom a chance, my stubbornness is telling me not to. Despite what I said aloud. Saying something is easier than carrying out the action.

"Well," Ella continues, "at least one good thing happened."

I snort. "What was good about any of this?"

She shoots me a seductive look, her glossy lips displaying a smug smirk. "Shea's crazy about you."

My cheeks flare. I direct the conversation elsewhere. "Are you and KJ going to get back together?"

Ella goes along with my conversation. "Probably not," she sighs. "My dad isn't the only factor. When I go to university, I don't want the complications that come with being involved in a relationship. Maybe one day, Kaleb and I will find each other again. Until then, we'll continue to be friends. Sometimes hook up."

I raise my eyebrows. "Have you guys had sex?"

She shakes her head. "No. We've come close, but decided against it. We're still young, Brenna. Not every relationship needs to be defined by sex. There are couples who want that and some who don't. It's whatever your preferences are. Kaleb and I didn't feel like it was the right moment."

All I do is nod. Ella's right. Everyone has different preferences. Sex doesn't define who we are. Our beliefs in virginity don't define who we are. I don't believe in it. Sex doesn't change your worth or change you. I believe virginity is a social construct built to control women. But some people feel otherwise, and that's okay. Their beliefs don't affect mine or my decisions. In the end, all that matters is what you're comfortable with.

I'm not comfortable with the idea of sex yet. That's where my preferences put me. Why I agree with Ella. 

After a sip of my drink, I say, "KJ's too good for this world. And I'm not just saying that because he helped Shea and I eradicate Connor. I'll never get over him being kicked off of the team. Anyway, KJ's just too good. When Shea had a concussion, KJ acted like his older brother. You should've seen it. We weren't on the best terms, but I admired their bromance."

Ella sips her drink. "KJ is amazing. But have you met Jayden?"

"I stand corrected," I giggle. "Jayden is every woman's dream."

Ella lifts her paper travel mug. "Yet we pick the ones who need help."

I tap my mug against hers. "They're not hopeless. They just need a push. Don't tell me you don't like Shea."

She glances down at the table, tracing the chalky paper of her receipt. "Shea was always nice to me. Even when I would reprimand him for being an asshole."

This is news to me. "You reprimanded Shea?"

A tinge of pink appears on Ella's cheeks. "I broke Shea's nose."

I almost spew hot chocolate all over the place. "What?!"

Wracking my brain, I try to remember when Shea had a broken nose. Last time he did was during last year's playoffs. He watched the final game between West Kelowna and Penticton.

"I clocked him," Ella whispers. She's mortified with herself, but I think it's hilarious. "We were hanging out at Kaleb's house, and Shea was pissed they'd lost. You scored a winning goal in overtime last year during the playoffs, eliminating his team."

Cringing, I set my mug down. Last year's playoffs were horrible. We clawed our way up from the bottom to make it in. Then we eliminated Kelowna, the team who was on the top. We made it to the finals, but lost seven-nothing to Penticton. It was heartbreaking.

"Shea kept spewing nonsense about why you shouldn't be playing hockey with boys, blah, blah, blah." She rolls her eyes. "My temper got the best of me. I punched him and told him I'd murder him if he ever said another bad thing about you. I'm sure he continued to, but he said nothing in front of me after that."

Although I know Ella's words were caught in the heat of the moment, I ask, "Would you have murdered him?"

Her skin turns pale. "N-No. Of course not!"

I toss my head back and laugh. "I'm kidding, Ella. We say shit when we're controlled by emotions. Committing a felony was a common topic in my head when I was around Shea."

"What's a common topic now?" she asks.

Kissing him. Spending time with him. Wanting more. Not sex, but something more than a make-out session.

I ignore her teasing tone. "Nothing."

"Oh, come on, Brenna."

Again, I ignore the teasing tone. Instead, I toss back the rest of my hot chocolate and stand up, gathering my bags. "We should go to Indigo. I need another book to read. Maybe some Helena Hunting or Elle Kennedy."

Ella sighs. She follows my lead and stands up, gathering her bags. We then head to the recycling. "Can't argue with you there. We should start a book club only focused on their books."

"Only if we add KA Tucker in there, too," I say. "She's one of my favourite authors."

Ella throws her arm around me. "Those three are the queens of Canadian romance. We need men like Jonah, Logan, Van, Alex, and the rest of them."

Snorting, I rest my head against Ella's shoulder. I know why she offered to go Christmas shopping with me. It was to get my mind off of all the nasty shit that's happened. She'll be happy to know it's working. We may not talk or hang out as much as Catina and I do, but Ella is one of those friends who will always stay true to you, no matter how much time has passed.

I couldn't have asked for more.

* * *

We walk into Indigo. The store smells of paper and ink, with a hint of coffee coming from the Starbucks to the right. Books line the walls, and the colour scheme is monochromatic, save for the different book covers. They're the only pop of colour in this store.

Ella and I head for the Romance section in the upper back corner.

My eyes are searching the app on my phone for any available books by KA Tucker.

"Oh, crap," Ellas says. "You know who we forget to add to our reading list? Christina Lauren. The Unhoneymooners is my favourite book."

My head snaps up. That is one of the best novels written. "Fuck. Yes. You're right. We'll make an exception for them. Not many people realize Christina Lauren is two writers. Not that I can blame them. I rarely read the author's bio."

"Or the acknowledgements," Ella adds.

We exchange a guilty smile. 

We turn down the first aisle. It's loaded with hundreds of books. My eyes search for the letter H. Excitement bubbles in my veins when I see several books by Helena Hunting. In the back of my mind, my bank account is begging me to not buy books. My 'To-Read' list is already overflowing. I have several unread books collecting dust on my shelves at home. Yet I still feel the need to buy.

Do I feel guilty?

Fuck no.

You can never have too many books.

"This one looks good," Ella comments. She passes a copy to me, keeping one for herself. "Have you read it?"

"Yep. I have it at home. One of her best, if you ask me. Van is so likeable. And the banter between him and Dillion is perfection. He's kind of cocky, but he's a sweetheart underneath."

Ella sets the book down. "Do you like him?"

I hold up Love Next Door by Helena Hunting. Glancing at the book, I frown. "Van? Because yes, I do like him. He's got Flynn Rider's smoulder."

She shoots me a look. Then she grabs the book, hiding it behind her back. I consider calling her a fool. I can grab another copy if I want to. 

"I'm talking about Shea Smith. Do you like him, Brenna? Because if you do, you shouldn't let anything hold you back. You mom or dad. These stupid sexist rules the league has created. Second, did you just reference Tangled?"

I lift my chin to the ceiling. "Yes. Tangled is the greatest Disney movie of all time."

Ella raises her finger. "Fine. I won't fault you there. Now, answer my question, Brenna. Do you like Shea? Because if you do, you shouldn't be holding yourself back. Women aren't made to be controlled. We deserve whatever we desire. If you want to play hockey and date Shea Smith, you're allowed to. Fuck what anyone else says."

After the shock of Ella swearing passes, I press my lips together. Perhaps Ella wanted to go shopping for this very reason. Maybe Shea asked her to talk to me. I ran away from him at the Winter Formal.

"Did Shea put you up to this?"

She shoots me a funny look. "Do I look like I'd take orders from him?"

"No," I sigh. "Sorry. He's just been... too honest. It scares me."

"Sometimes," she says. "Being scared is a good thing."

Tears fill my eyes. Every emotion I've kept bottled up is threatening to spill. I don't want to cry in public, but her words are making it difficult not to. Dating Shea is wrong. Although I want to give us a shot, risking losing hockey is a line I refuse to cross. Without hockey, my life is incomplete.

"Shea and I have bent the rules one too many times. It scares me."

"If it scares you," Ella smiles. She rests her hand on my shoulder. "Then why do you keep doing it?"

Ella's words render me speechless.

I run my fingers across the smooth spines of the books next to me while I process my thoughts.

Life is a story. One you hold the pen to. You were born to write your own story. Letting someone else take the pen... I would never forgive myself.

Straightening my posture, I look Ella in the eye. "How do I tell him?"

She smiles and takes my hand. "Come on, let's steal the chairs in the corner. I'll tell you everything you need to know about dating."

A giddy, warm feeling blossoms in my chest.

It's time for me to steal the pen back.