"I can't believe you got your ass handed to you by some lanky ass guy!" Wilbur laughs, doubling over with his hands holding his stomach for the third time since Techno told him the news.

Technoblade really wants to stab him and give him something else to hold right now. Like his guts, for example. Yeah, that would be preferable -wouldn't suffice but it would be a good start.

"Again, I did not get my ass handed to me", he tries to remain as calm as he possibly can whilst he fiddles with the laptop in front of him, the tab of iCloud-Find my iPhone shining white and bright in his face. The thing is taking ridiculously long to track his phone down, as if this piece of numerals is having fun exploiting this new weakness of his. How dare technology play with him like this?! In a crisis, no less!

And you might ask "Technoblade, how did you lose your phone?". Well. He had done the good ol' noob mistake of putting the freaking flip-flop sized thing in his back pocket.

He had been doing a usual hour of fanservice in the middle of the street when it happened. When disaster struck. When his heart rate picked up speed. When he felt something tugging at the back pocket of his pants whilst he was busy signing something for a random kid from the crowd that had formed around him. When he turned around and met eyes with a tall guy who had his hand in his pocket- and if he hadn't known better, he would've called the dude a pervert.

And it would've been preferable if the guy was a pervert at this point. Would've surely saved Techno trouble and time.

But nooooo. It just had to be a thief. A highly stupid and successful one at that. All in all, the worst kind of thief to steal from you. Techno still can't believe the nerve of that guy; to come in during The Blade's monthly fanservice hour -which, in all honesty, is the smartest he's seen a thief be- and manage to swipe not only his phone, but his wallet as well.

The wallet that Phil had given him on his eighteenth birthday as a "Welcome to adulthood!" present.

A vein pops in his forehead as he remembers that small detail. How dare the wallet get stolen?! And on top of that, how dare he let two of his most prized possessions get stolen from himself?!

No matter, if the program in front of him hurries a bit, he will have the location of the thief before the guy has the chance to empty his pockets and throw it out. Techno can run fast enough, he has the ability to run faster than the average long-legs and he will make the thief's life Hell once he's got an address.

Techno had heard the many other stolen jewelry and whatever else valuable the dude had shoved in his pockets; they were jiggling and clicking like crazy while they were running. It would take some time to empty those out, and if he guessed right, he had more phones than just The Blade's on him. And, if that were the case, then it would take at least ten minutes for the thief to take out the batteries and SIM cards.

Technoblade hopes that his calculations are precisely correct.

That flip-flop of a phone holds one too many secrets of his: his name (civilian identity), his address, his phone number, his family, pictures of his family, all these wonderful memories stored in it that he would really rather not be revealed to the public- and all that because he had taken the wrong phone before he left the house. He has lost all the passwords to his social media accounts now as well, because he had been an idiot and only saved them in a page of that notebook app he had found on the device, instead of saving them on Chrome like a normal person. Y'know. So they could show up in his password settings and not have to worry about forgetting them.

He sighs. Next time, he will follow the advice of his old man and write his usernames and passwords on a slip of paper and tuck it under his hat- Wait. He doesn't wear hats. Nevermind, he'll put it in his boar mask or something, or use it as a bookmark for his many, many, many mythology books.

Surely it won't get lost with the second method.

Wait. That means- Phew, given the thief will probably not bother looking in the notebooks app (if he manages to crack the password of the lock screen, no one would ever think that the great Blade would put "Baked_Potatoes" -in numerals- as his phone password. Ha, suck it, nerd), his accounts won't be hacked and the media will never know this ever happened.

You see, most heroes have work phones, which, to be fair, are pretty crappy (as old as they can get really) and some even have those old Nokia ones. Y'know. The unbreakable bricks that are called phones. Those things aren't phones; they are murder weapons in disguise. Literal murder weapons in disguise, because they all have these little tracker devices and little remote explosives tucked away under the plastic cover that detonate in instances like this one; when they get stolen or lost or compromised in one way or another. Oh, how much would he love to press that red button and watch a building explode on Live TV, but alas, he had been a dumbass, and took his actual phone to work.

Wait a minute. It wasn't just his phone that got stolen, was it? Right, the thief took his wallet too. The little leather object that held his money, ID card, Jumbo coupons and credit card. He will have to call the bank after this, won't he? But most importantly, that wallet holds sentiment like no other, because it's a gift from his dad. If the thief tries to blackmail him with the wallet, he swears he'll-

"Then how did he get your phone, your wallet and manage to get away from The Blade? Come on, let me see the bruises!", Wilbur continues with his teasing, and soon, Techno frets, the brunet will have a hot meal out of his own organs. If he continues. And he will continue, because it's Wilbur, and his brother has an addiction to making Techno want to (affectionately) strangle him.

And how, you'd ask, does someone strangle somebody else affectionately? No one knows, actually. And no one has found out... yet. Which is probably a good thing. Yeah, Techno thinks, probably should stay that way as well.

"I was enjoying the hunt, okay? Not my fault this city has so many alleyways", Techno grumbles, his fingers drumming against the keyboard. How long does it take for a satellite to detect a phone?

"And you just- you just lost him like that? In an alley?", Wilbur asks, a word away from bursting into giggles again.

"He dipped behind some trash cans and then disappeared- somehow", the pinkett answered mindlessly.

Really, the only thing he remembers vividly of that encounter, other than the hand in his pocket, is the way the dude had disappeared. The only thing left behind was his scent. It was a god awful smell too, that of a poor person who hasn't washed in ages. And if Techno wasn't as vengeful, he would've left the matter at that, because the thief would probably make better use of his riches than he ever will.

But oh well.

The program finally gives him an address, and he grins brighter than the screen. Who knew a hero could hold such a grudge. "Oh, I've got you now", he whispers to himself, ripping a page from a nearby notebook to write down the address.

And to his surprise, Wilbur doesn't laugh at him, instead reading the information displayed on the screen. Techno would've commented on the lack of noise had he not been at a loss for words himself.

"That's Grian's apartment building", Wilbur points out.

"It is", Techno helpfully adds in. "Dude probably went in the concierge room past the reception or to the boiler to hide"

Wilbur shakes his head with a thoughtful expression. "No, Fundy would've seen him enter and detained him"

"Your child would've seen him and struck a deal to split the money, Wilbur"

"That-", Wilbur tries to defend his child's honor but he out of everyone knows that- "That is very true"

Fundy isn't Wilbur's son per se; the man is more of a very close family friend. A young adult with fox blood in his veins, who just so happens to be the concierge of their friend's apartment building. From what Wil has told Techno, the two met at Grian's apartment the day their avian friend was moving in. Wilbur was helping move some boxes upstairs and Fundy came up to them and complained about how he had just sweeped the floor clean.

Most people would forget about this; move their boxes, ignore the little inconvenience that was Fundy and continue their day.

Well.

Wilbur is not most people and his brother prides himself in that little fun fact. He never ever forgets, and that is a little character trait that Techno hates for many reasons.

Again, as Wilbur told Techno, he patted Fundy's head, told him to screw off, helped Grian with the boxes and then somehow (after a good few rounds of uno and cheating together in Monopoly) by the end of the day the two were "Like father and son", as Phil likes to put it. Who said that Uno and Monopoly only ruin friendships? If you cheat together, it creates friendships.

Techno still doesn't get how that happened -how poor Fundy ended up joining them in playing board games, especially after Wilbur told him to screw off-, though he still firmly believes that his brother's silver tongue had some involvement. Wilbur can be a pretty... let's say 'persuasive' guy.

Techno has met Fundy once or twice; once when he was in the neighborhood and took the chance to say hello; the second when he went to visit Grian and completely ignored the "wet floor" sign at the reception. The elevator was broken again so he took the stairs to the second floor instead, which landed him in the hospital with some broken ribs and a broken leg. Apparently, Fundy had decided to polish the stairs that day. And the stairs of that apartment building are wooden.

Fundy had even tried to warn him as well, shouting that he had to wait for a few before going up. It was just fate. Fate and his stupidity.

It was not a good day.

"So, what do we do?", Wilbur asks.

"We go and ask if any of the tenants have seen a suspicious, two-toned individual roamin' the streets", Techno says and nods to himself as he shuts down the laptop. "And if said individual passed through, I can track him down instead"

"You're a bloody bloodhound, Techno"

"Yup"

*

"All done with the dust bath, Ranboo?", Grian asks as the teen exits the apartment's bathroom.

Ranboo is still shaking his head, threading his fingers through black and white strands, making futile attempts at getting the dust out of his hair. It's a grainy experience to say the least and an annoying method to bathe as a whole human being, but it is the only way he has to not smell like old boxes and mold twenty-four-seven.

Even though he complains about it, he is so grateful that Grian actually shares his dust baths with him since basically day one, otherwise he would have had to undergo Tubbo's experiments -which, no, they are not fun (for the victim). He had found this "magma cream" mixture that's apparently for burns in a trash can a few alleys away and wanted to put it on Ranboo's skin to see if it would irritate it or not.

Quite frankly, Ranboo does not want Tubbo getting his hands anywhere near his allergies.

"Yes, thank you again, sir", he is more relaxed than he was before too, shoulders feeling not as tense as they were when he entered the avian's home. He remembers Grian telling him that the dust is therapeutic in a way, brainwashing as Tommy would say.

"Stop with the formalities, you make me feel older than I actually am", Grian laughs as he goes over to help the boy get the dust out.

"But you are old, sir", Ranboo says instead, and he stresses the word. The annoyed expression on the man's face is so worth it.

"You little-", Grian retracts his hands, acting offended, "Alright, that's it, I am telling Stress to put you three on a broccoli diet"

Ranboo laughs, because of course, that's a joke. Not even Tubbo eats broccoli, and he is a vegetarian; they'd be starving all three of them every Monday if that were to happen. And Monday is one of two days they have actual food. Plus, Stress loves them too much to ever think of committing such a sacrilegious act against them. That would be the only fault the woman has and it is the only one they will stand and continue to take advantage of.

But... Another of her faults is that she has the ability to ground them, which they all hate and try to stay clear of. She isn't even their mother and she holds so much power over their heads that it can get... scary. Ranboo doesn't think that Grian is going to take advantage of the latter fact at first because again it was supposed to be a joke... but then the man moves to the door.

The avian's colorful wings shift and tremble like he is trying to hold back giggles. Oh. This isn't as much of a joke as Ranboo previously thought.

"No! No- hey, Grian, we can talk about this!"

"Nah-ah, Ranboo-", right as he opens the door, they both halt their movements. There are voices downstairs, they can both hear very clearly Fundy's distressed tone as he shouts: "There is no two-toned individual here! Leeeeeave!", in that very sus, very high-pitched voice of his. Whoever he's trying to fool, it's definitely not working.

"Two-toned individual?", Grian mutters to himself before turning to face Ranboo with a disapproving gaze. The teen in turn gives him a sheepish smile. He moves to the stairs to see who's looking for the boy, nudging Ranboo to follow with a wing.

"I told you I stole a lot of things today", Ranboo says in a whisper as he looks over the railing to take a peek at the intruder. As if that is somehow a good defense.

"You didn't tell me you were followed-", Grian goes to chide him, but once again, they are interrupted by Fundy's loud shouting.

Is he trying to warn them? He is shouting so much, Ranboo fears he is going to get yelled at by Gem from 1A or that Impulse will write another noise complaint. He is, isn't he? Trying to warn them that there is someone looking for a ying-yang themed thief? Yeah, that must be it; kind of explains why he's shouting so much. Certainly makes much more sense than purposefully getting basically sued by one of the most powerful men in the city.

"Thank you for your cooperation, miss"

Ranboo's heart drops to his stomach, and his stomach in turn does a front flip and then a backflip, does all sorts of skateboard tricks until it turns into a washing machine- he thinks he is going to throw up on top of the broken elevator that sits idly at the reception in the middle of the stairwell.

He would recognize that stoic and monotonous voice anywhere. Be it on a remote island, in the city center, in a packed club- anywhere. That's The Blade down there! And he is looking for him! And that was Gem's door shutting! Oh, God, how is he going to explain this-

"We are very sorry for disturbing you at this hour, have a good day, miss!"

"You too, Ghostbur and Blade!"

And he's got company too!

Fuck.

"Ranboo, why are two of the top-ten heroes looking for you?" Grian asks and Ranboo understands the clear 'You will regret it if you lie to me' look he gives him. There is no fear of anyone actually handing him over to the heroes -everyone knows that the three of them mostly steal for a living (except for Stress, who would take away their freedom rights, AKA ground them until one of them married or died). But, you see, they don't know who they steal from most of the time.

"You seeee", he tries to stall for time, like something magical will happen and he'll be suddenly out of the situation. It's happened before when a cop had managed to catch up to him and then some outsider tackled the cop to the ground, for some reason. But obviously, as proven now, it was a mere fluke. Who is going to tackle Grian? Ranboo himself? That would not help his relationship with the man.

He sighs, nothing has happened other than Fundy's obnoxious protesting and Ghostbur's constant mocking of the fox.

Guess nothing is going to save him.

"I, um, might have accidentally, stress that, uh, stolen The Blade's stuff"

Grian blinks once.

"As in his phone"

Then twice.

"And I think I got his wallet tooooo, uh, you okay there?"

Then three times as his eyes widen and Grian fully understands what Ranboo did this morning. Before he can speak, however, and scold him for his many unprovoked crimes and illegal activities, they hear a loud knock and then a door opening. The heroes have rounded the corner now, and from where they stand the two can see them perfectly whilst remaining concealed by the elevator shaft.

"Hello, good sirs, how can I help you on this very fine day?"

Oh shoot, that's Impulse. Crap, crap, crap, crap! They're about to lose free sweets privileges, aren't they? Oh, God, Tommy and Tubbo will hate him for weeks for this mess! They'll take away his bed privileges too!

You see, Impulse is quite the deal around this part of town. He is the founder and current CEO of the iDimpy Candy Factory at the outskirts of town; he is amongst the richest of the rich and holds power like no other. The man could go up against the mayor if he wanted to and actually win. Normally, he is either off at work (in which time frame Tommy and Tubbo go and illegally use the man's shower -it has a jacuzzi, okay??) or at home or out with friends and business meetings and whatever else an adult businessman does nowadays. And he had given the three a Free-iDimpy card to get as much candy as they wanted for free from supermarkets.

He showed them how to use it as well! You get what you want and then swipe the card on the card reader and boom: free candy. One thing that they dislike, though, is that they have a limit of four sweet packages per month or one per week, so they have to use all this Math and Economics and all those number subjects Cleo has been teaching them. A "real world experience" Impulse had told them back then.

"There goes our chocolate", Ranboo sulks quietly and Grian simply nods beside him in confirmation.

"Let's hope Stress doesn't learn of this", the avian says in turn as he leans on the railing. He might be in the trio's corner, always defending them and throwing off any policemen that come snooping, but no one -and I mean no one- can save them from an angered Stress. Not even Grian, who can apparently lift heavy as fuck boxes of potatoes.

They can both hear the hesitation in Impulse's voice when he tells the heroes that he hasn't seen a Ranboo look-alike in the neighborhood. And that hesitation is not out of fear of two heroes coming over and checking if he has weed brownies stored in the cabinet. No, no, no. It is because he probably wasn't expecting heroes to be looking for Ranboo in the middle of the day, just like Grian, and he is probably trying to think up a way to take back the Free-iDimpy card from the trio whilst talking to the heroes. Man, multitasking must be hard.

Ranboo cowers when he sees Impulse walk slightly out of his apartment and throw a quick, very meaningful glance at the stairs. It was supposed to be a warning, both avian and enderborn know that but to the heroes? It must've come off as a signal to check upstairs, especially due to Impulse's hesitation and contemplation.

Grian facepalms and Ranboo wonders if he'd be able to outrun The Blade a second time.

"Go hide upstairs with Tommy and Tubbo, I'll try to get them off your trail, 'kay?" Grian tells him in an exhausted voice, nudging him with a wing towards the next flight of stairs. Ranboo nods eagerly, immediately leaving his fate in Grian's hands as he goes up to Stress'. He trusts the man like that.

When he knocks on the door of the apartment, Tubbo is the one who answers, grabs him by the arm and haphazardly pulls him inside. He almost falls to the floor because of the force but luckily, his legs move faster than gravity. He still wonders how such a short teenager like Tubbo can muster such strength. Just the thought of the bee being able to manhandle him with such ease makes his forehead sweat.

He is greeted by a... peculiar scene in the two-bedroom apartment: Stress is chasing a very feral racoon around the kitchen. This isn't as unusual as it sounds, because Tommy likes to irritate (and very much annoy) Stress by putting his muddy paws on the kitchen counter and jumping on the white couch as a raccoon. And normally, this is a laughing matter, one which usually ends with Tubbo and Ranboo holding their stomachs or rolling and dying of laughter on the floor.

What makes it weird this time, though, is the fact that Tommy has a knife in his mouth. A very long, very sharp and very heavy bread knife.

How is he carrying that thing and not falling over? And how did Ranboo not hear the ruckus from outside? The doors aren't that soundproof!

Anyway.

"They've been doing this since you went to Grian's", Tubbo informs him, looking rather fearful of their friend's antics. Ranboo can't really blame him; raccoons are dangerous in and of themselves but a raccoon with a knife? That's a whole other level of dangerous.

"Tommy, put down the knife! Please, you'll hurt yourself!" Stress yells, yelping when Tommy jumps from the top of the cupboards down to the bar to start another round 'round the kitchen counters. Ranboo wonders why Stress hasn't played the 'Mum Card' on Tommy yet but he guesses that she most likely forgot. Tommy can have that effect on people with how sudden and brash everything he does is.

The racoon chitters, the universal sound for racoon laughter on Urban Dictionary thanks to Tommy, and adjusts the grip he has on the knife. Tubbo suddenly cheers when Tommy jumps on the clean cushions of the couch with dirty paws and stands on his two small lil hind legs with the knife held in his paw like a sword. Oh. A sword fight, that's what they're doing. A very dangerous one with no protection and no referee but one of them is an adult sooooo, it should be fine.

"Tommy, I will give you one chance to put the knife down and get off the couch", Stress warns, voice stern whilst she opens a drawer to draw her favorite pink kitchen knife from inside.

Said knife is a butcher's knife with a pink handle. Yeah, everything should be completely fine. Stress is a responsible adult and an amazing cook/chef, able to handle the whole kitchen knife set blindfolded. She would have to really try to accidentally harm any of them.

That fact does not make it feel any safer.

"Well", Ranboo says, rightfully backing towards the door because maybe the attic is better of a hiding spot in comparison to the mess here, "I um, I have uhhh, places to be, I'll be on my wa-"

"Don't be such a crybaby, Ranboo, it's just a knife fight!" Tubbo says cheerfully like he wasn't scared ten seconds ago, and any chances Ranboo had of escaping through the door or the balcony have comically gone out the window as the shorter boy drags him away from both.

"Tommy..."

Tommy chitters back in response, a cacophony of raccoon cackles that sounds suspiciously like "bring it on, bitch!". Ranboo can see multiple veins pop in Stress' forehead. Uh oh. Tommy should not have done that- oh, yeah, he really should not have done that. Oh well, too late to take anything back now. As long as Tubbo and himself don't get grounded for this, Ranboo thinks.

Tubbo cheers from where he stands, pumping his fists in the air.

"Let the fight commence!"

And if Cleo had assigned them to write a paragraph about what the gladiator fights were like, the picture in front of him would've gotten him a 20/20.

*

"Hello there, fellow citizen!" Ghostbur greets Grian when they meet on the stairwell. The Blade grunts a tired "hello" like it's cost him the world to spend time on formalities.

Fundy was not accompanying them anymore. He left the moment he noticed Grian on the stairwell, or sniffed his presence on the stairwell -fox genes and their OP power ups- saying something about needing to sweep the floors again because the heroes had dragged mud inside. Grian knows it's bullcrap since he hears Impulse's door open and said man chiding him about his obnoxiousness.

Oh well.

"Yeah, yeah, drop the hero-ie act Wilbur", Grian says, laughing half-heartedly at the pouty face he receives. He spares a look at Technoblade, who has a shadow cast over his mask and looks about ready to rip someone's throat out -he guesses that the man has taken Ranboo's act of thievery to heart.

For a moment, the avian ponders how Gem and Impulse didn't bend under that creepy, weird stare of The Blade's. Then again, Wilbur -the more friendly-looking guy- was there too. Sometimes he gives his friends less credit than they deserve, because he finds himself almost quivering from the continued stare of Techno's mask's soulless gaze, whilst the other two didn't even bat an eye. Sheesh.

"What are you two doing on this side of the city? I thought you said HQ had assigned the both of you to the pier this week?", it's a question to stall, sure, but it is true; Grian remembers vividly how Wilbur had whined and whined for hours on end over the phone about it. Something to do with the cold and how the salt would ruin his clothes and make the color fade and whatever other nonsense and inhibition the hero could come up with on the spot while they were talking.

"We were!", Wilbur responds in a high tone of voice, like Grian had just reminded him that he wasn't supposed to be here, "But, you see, we had a little change of plans", and he rubs the back of his neck as he says that with the tiniest of awkward giggles.

Grian, thanks to Ranboo, knows exactly why the two heroes are here; more specifically why Ghostbur has accompanied The Blade here. It is to keep the casualties to a minimum. He is pretty sure that if Wilbur had not come with Techno, well... Gem and Impulse would have possibly been goners. As in; not dead per se but at the same time dead, y'know? In a half-alive, half-dead state.

However, despite this knowledge, he has to play dumb for the sake of the child that is currently in-hiding. As 'in-hiding' as one can be around two hyperactive teenagers whose only goal in life is to cause chaos on a daily basis.

"Let me guess, you loaded your old man with your work again, didn't you?"

Techno shrugs. Wilbur looks slightly to the side. Grian narrows his eyes at them and after two seconds, he can see them both physically begin to sweat under his scrutiny. They've done exactly that, haven't they? This is... what? The fifth or sixth time that he's caught them dumping their share of hero duties on Phil to do silly side quests such as this one? At least, that's as many times as he has caught them doing it. Poor Phil; he has two sons that are both a curse and a blessing.

And normally, Grian doesn't really mind them doing that because he doesn't like to delve deep into his friends' family's relationships. But right now? Right now said friends are looking for Ranboo and he has to distract them somehow and-

"I mean, he didn't mind... much" -peer pressure always works on Techno; even the slightest narrowing of one's eyes and he'll spill his life story. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration on Grian's part but it's pretty close to the truth.

"Techno!", Wilbur shouts.

"You two need to learn how to deal with your own problems without calling dear Crowfather for help all the time", the avian sighs, feigning disappointment for the fun of the bit.

"No, no, you see, Grian, this matter is too serious not to call for Dadza", Wilbur responds. Shoot. Seems like they haven't forgotten about the stolen items. Uhhhh, what's plan B? Call Pearl? Wait, no, she's at work! Hmmm...

"Woah!"

Ah! The perfect distraction has arrived! Finally!

Grian can hear Mumbo's thudding footsteps from the lobby -OP avian abilities, sigh- and almost immediately after he hears him trip and fall and something explode. Okay, maybe it's not the best distraction now that he thinks about it; setting off explosives usually alerts heroes and there are two of the top ranked ones standing right in front of him. And, sadly or not, they are not deaf.

Don't get him wrong, it did the job quite well, because both Techno and Wilbur rushed downstairs with alert shouts of "What was that?!" and "Was that an explosion?!" -but, yeah, Mumbo is in for a trip. What's worse, Techno plucked the glimmering, netherite blade from its sheath at his side, looking about ready to murder.

"Hey, calm down- Techno don't do it!", Grian rushes after them, flapping colorful wings in an attempt to keep his balance on the short steps.

He is notably slower than the other two, and that fact is punctuated when he arrives at the scene of the crime, and sees poor Mumbo pinned down by both heroes. Techno is sitting on the poor man's back, holding him in a painful-looking headlock with not his arms but his sword and Wilbur is sitting cross-legged on black-dressed calves.

There is a black spot on the old tiles next to the fallen man and some harsh pieces of the suspected explosive, smoke coming off them in small, lingering waves. Not too far away is a sack of innocent potatoes that's fallen, some of the sizable spuds spilled out on the floor which Wilbur does not think twice before taking one and looking it over for who knows what reasons. It's not like you can hide anything inside a potato, let alone a bomb.

"Oh, my goodness, Mumbo!", Grian says in a worried but at the same time amused tone. Mumbo looks up at him like he is the only hero amongst the four of them, eyes open wide in panic.

"Grian!", he chokes out as he tries his best to avoid the blade at his throat. "Grian, help me!"

"Shut up, you can tell that to the judge, punk", Techno cuts him off. Grian raises an eyebrow.

"He'll tell the judge to help him?"

...

"Whose side are you on?!"

"Yes"

Okay. That's an... acceptable response? Grian doesn't know what to make of this. Wilbur is giggling, probably from the absurdity of their dialog, whilst he looks the potatoes over one by one. Again, how does someone hide an explosive in a small potato? It doesn't make sense! God, this is going to take a whole day, so the avian goes to try and pry Techno off.

Surprisingly, Techno actually let's him pull him off poor Mumbo, who does not waste a second in pulling his legs out from underneath Wilbur, making the latter fall flat on his face, to stand up. No one pays any mind to Ghostbur's pained groan. Grian thinks that serves him right for cooperating with his brother to restrain a man who was simply carrying his spuds. Look at Mumbo's mustache! It's sticking up like a scared cat's hair from the shock!

"You smell like soil, are you a farmer?", Techno asks Mumbo in the most serious yet murderous tone Grian has ever witnessed. He doesn't know if that question is promising good or bad things. Knowing Techno, it's probably some otherworldly mix of the two but still leaning towards bad.

Mumbo fumbles with his fingers, tugs at the edges of his absolutely trampled business suit- and who can blame him, really? He just got caught doing- well, carrying potatoes if anyone had to guess and probably making an attempt at suicide bombing or something! Which Grian disagrees with because Mumbo is a sane man but no one other than him and this whole building know that.

"Uh, not really, but I sometimes help a friend at his farm? Yeah, that's what I do"

And if awkwardness and suspicion were a person, it would have taken the form of Mumbo K. Jumbo at that moment. Because- who would believe him after that last sentence? It is so unbelievably obvious that it is a lie, even to a stranger it would be plain as day that Mumbo has just lied in the faces of two of this city's top heroes. The two heroes, though? They seem to need a couple lessons in lie detecting, or at least Techno does if Grian has to tell from the way his eyes light up.

At least his mood has been lifted. Ranboo might escape with his limbs attached if nothing major happens.

"Blade, it isn't the time for your potato obsession right now!", Wilbur reminds waving an accusatory finger at Mumbo -when did he stand up anyway?-, "Something literally exploded right here, where I'm standing, and that man you're trying to befriend is the main suspect!"

Techno looks at his brother for a second, and even with the boar skull covering his face, Grian can clearly see a raised eyebrow. A questioning eyebrow. He can imagine it. Or see it. Whichever verb one likes to use.

"Oh, so we're not playing good cop, bad cop?"

"...That would've been a good idea"

Grian lets out the heartiest of laughs at that and Mumbo follows suit. Even the walls seem to be laughing and mocking them; mocking the way they just- two top heroes just revealed their plan with seemingly no hesitation.

The two heroes look around awkwardly, just avoiding general eye contact.

Grian wonders how the commotion has not attracted any outside eyes yet. I mean, they just tackled a person at the lobby, in front of open doors. Two heroes tackled a person at the lobby in front of open doors. Shouldn't pedestrians and cameramen be flocking around the entrance?

"It was just a firecracker, guys", Mumbo says after their laughter dies down. Because firecrackers are legal, yeah, that'll save him. It only takes a few blinks of three sets of eyes for him to retract that statement.

The moment Grian sees Wilbur open his mouth, probably to ask how a firecracker goes boom that loudly, he interrupts with a quick ruffle of his colorful feathers. It's a little trick Phil taught him to catch Wilbur and Techno's attention when the duo is up to something stupid. Or, as in this scenario, something that gets Grian's friends into trouble. Apparently, it's a family thing, and the two brothers are so used to Phil's avian behavior that it's basically one of their instincts now to stop and listen to what their dad has to say. And it works. It works weirdly well.

"So, uh, Mumbo", he addresses the man. "Did you leave Kubo at your parents'?"

"You have a dog?", of course Techno's brain sticks to that tidbit of information. The guy is a big ol' softy for anything adorable. Mumbo seems taken aback by this; not many people know that the great Blade could give up his own family for a crate of puppies.

Most importantly, how did Techno know that they were talking about a dog? Grian only said a name! Oh wait, he probably picked up on the scent. That explains it.

The Blade is known for his great nose; something about his piglin genes and pigs having an excellent sense of smell.

"Oh, um, yeah! I have a dog named Kubo, whom I sadly couldn't bring with because the landlord doesn't allow pets"

And no, shapeshifting raccoons do not count as pets. Well. If the landlord doesn't know, they don't.

"So I left him with my parents", and with that, Mumbo takes out his phone to presumably show the hero a picture of his dog.

That really grabs Techno's attention and the hero moves closer to the mustache man. Grian shrugs. If they want to bond over dogs (and potatoes) and not go after Ranboo, that's fine by him. The less blood that is spilled indoors, the better. Fundy complained a lot the last time it happened- I mean, what?

"Alright, you two can bond over your dogs, Ghostbur and I will carry your potatoes upstairs", and it's like the two dog lovers are deaf to the world. It's... probably fine. The more they get distracted, the better.

Wilbur nods with some hesitation, giving Grian a glance that says "why do I have to carry his things?", to which Grian replies with a swift: "You're a hero, Ghostbur"

And, of course, Wilbur just has to retaliate somehow.

"I thought you told me to drop that 'hero-ie act', changed your mind now?", to which Grian simply rolls his eyes and motions for him to pick up the stray potatoes.

In a matter of seconds, the spuds are neatly stacked inside their sack once again, looking like the spillage of them had been a bad dream. Wilbur is the first who tries to lift said sack, only to find that his bones are too frail for it. Typical. Grian rolls his eyes again, calls Wilbur a drama queen, and proceeds to lift the sack of potatoes like it's nothing (again).

"How- How are you doing that?!", Wilbur wonders. Grian doesn't really know how to answer him (honestly).

"You just lift with your legs, it's simple", he settles with, except-

"You realize you're holding that under your arm, right?", Wilbur is a lot more perceptive."How are you even balancing it?" He ignores that and continues to the stairs. The hero is behind him as he goes up the steps, having said something about not wanting something similar to Techno's little hospital escapade to occur to Grian.

"Since when do you have a roommate?", Wilbur asks once they've turned to the next platform. "You didn't tell us anything about that"

The avian shrugs his wings as he shuffles through his pockets for his keys- wait, they left the door open. Phew. Key hassle avoided.

"It's a very recent development, he's just now moving in. He has a few things to take care of here so he'll be staying for an undetermined amount of time", he tells him. He opens the door wider with his hip and proceeds to take the potatoes to the cabinets. "I think Techno and Mumbo will get along"

Wilbur, in the meantime, makes himself comfortable on the blanketed couch (which looks like a cat just came in and scratched at the blanket until it could roll in it), and he is tall enough to reach up to Grian's elbow. Grian thinks nothing of it; he's used to it.

"Does your friend know of us? As in, our civilian identities and such?"

The avian shakes his head no as he pushes the heavy (not) bag of potatoes in one of the lower cabinets.

"No, I haven't told him", he says, "He just knows that we're acquaintances, your hero personas and I" -which is a complete lie (most of it is anyway) but Wilbur doesn't need to know that. The brunet huffs a sigh of relief, muttering a "that's good, that's good.."

"Would you like a cup of tea- woah!"

Something thumps hard above their heads, on the ceiling, on the upper floor. Grian's eyes widen, instantly realizing that something has gone wrong upstairs where the kids are. He's faster than Wil at getting to the door, not even bothering to shut it behind him -at least that makes it easier for Wil to follow him- and he only hopes that Ranboo is not at Stress' and that everyone is alright and not hanging off the third floor balcony.

"Grian, what was that!", that's Mumbo joined by Techno's worried and gruff huff. Grian can hear them running up the stairs, pursuing them the best they can, but the avian's eyes are trained on the wooden door that soon appears before him.

He is quick to knock, and he puts up an ear in the moments that it takes for the door to open. He almost falls flat on the floor because of how much weight he put on the door, but we won't talk about that. In front of him stands a very ecstatic Tubbo and behind him, on the couch with raccoon paw prints, he witnesses a sight he has seen one too many times. Stress has Tommy pinned down on the cushions, looking a moment away from cutting him up with that cleaver she's holding above her head- wait. Cleaver? Grian doesn't get a moment to ponder on it. Over the loud, obnoxious screaming of a raccoon (how did none of them hear that?) and frantic eyes that turn to look at him, he sees Ranboo; good, poor Ranboo who probably got handcuffed to stay and watch whatever is unfolding in the apartment.

Quickly, he closes the door. On one hand, he is relieved that none of them are hurt but on the other... Well, he can't help but be concerned about what he just saw. Anyways. He turns around, holding in his sigh of relief for a moment to come up with some elaborate lie because Ranboo is in there and the heroes who are looking for him are out here.

And, they are heroes, they will be concerned about whatever spooked the avian that much!

This really has not gone according to plan. Damn Grian and his good nature!

"What's going on?!", Wilbur shouts, followed suit by Mumbo, who Grian has yet to inform about the freeloaders in the attic. That's a mistake but it really isn't the time to address it right now. "Why did you close the door?"

"No reason!", Grian says, but his voice is at a higher pitch than usual.

Ghostbur goes up to the door and knocks. "This is SBI! Are you guys okay in there?", they receive a couple sounds of what can only be described as an orchestra of high pitched screams and screeches.

"They might be listening to screamo!", Mumbo interrupts. Grian loves his friends.

"Yeah, Stress is into that type of music weirdly enough!", he backs him up.

"Wait", all eyes fall on Techno, whose mask looks like it's scrunched up in scrutiny. He is making sniffing sounds that make Grian and Mumbo raise an eyebrow. "I SMELL HIM!"

"WHAT"

"HE'S IN THERE!"

"No, Blade, no one's in there!"

Regardless, Techno busts the door down.

Silence befalls their little group of four.

Grian is halfway to screaming when he sees that the scene in front of him is, well, normal. How? Stress is in the kitchen, seemingly cooking, not having realized that her door is literally on the floor from how loud the roof is, Tommy and Tubbo are sitting around the coffee table with papers and upside down books strewn around the area in an unorganized mess. If you exclude the broken door, it looks like an ordinary family: the mum who is making dinner, and the children who are pretending to be doing their homework. Grian thinks it's fake for a second, until Tubbo and Tommy yell for Stress, saying that The Blade has just broken down their door.

Techno could care less about the trauma he has caused to two impressionable teenagers.

"WHERE IS HE?!", the hero shouts, and Grian can hear Wilbur excuse himself to call their father. Mumbo is the first to rush in after the hero and he follows suit, flailing his wings but apparently, Phil skipped the tiny detail that the trick doesn't work when Techno is mad.

"Blade, please calm down! You're scaring the children!", poor, oblivious Mumbo. It's fine, he'll learn to read Techno like an open book in due time, Grian thinks.

"What's going on he- HEY!", and before anyone can register it, Stress has come over with a wet frying pan, ready to defend the boys in the living room. "What are you doing in my house?!", she frantically looks between the three, before blocking a fuming Techno from entering further into the house, Grian and Mumbo unable to do anything to stop the man.

"WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HIM?!"

"Excuse me, sir, but you need a warrant!", Stress accuses, as if the door didn't get kicked in, and rightfully so because heroes must follow the same rules as the police. No exceptions.

"I've got that covered, so sorry for the disturbance, ma'am!", Wilbur shouts from the doorway. He is still on the phone and Grian is sure that the only reason Phil has even picked up is to ensure that his sons haven't done anything immoral yet. Ironic, isn't it? "The warrant will be here soon!"

"This is breaking and entering!", Stress states, and that means that she can use self defense. Grian quickly connects the dots between the frying pan in her hands and her words, and prepares for the fight that is about to break out. Quietly, he looks over towards the boys at the coffee table, having suddenly remembered that they are just sitting there watching.

Weirdly enough, Tubbo and Tommy are calmly observing them, quiet and passing notes to one another to not disturb them. Ranboo is thankfully nowhere in sight, and Grian guesses that the boy teleported to the attic the moment the door closed- and judging by the way a very tall teenager with split black and white skin and hair sheepishly enters the fray, he must've teleported back, for some reason.

This is it, Grian thinks, Ranboo is probably going to die and many of them will be left scarred for life, and his suspicion is proven true by the way Techno halts his struggle of getting him and Mumbo off him.

"You...", the hero's voice is dangerously low. Well, Fundy won't be the one who has to clean up the blood. "You better have my stuff on you still"

To Grian's surprise, Techno is... weirdly calm about the situation. Ranboo is weirdly calm about it too. Stress, Tubbo and Tommy on the other hand? They are quicker at jumping in front of Ranboo to shield him than you can say "bonanza". The situation seems under control, and Wilbur, who is still on the phone to Phil, is standing at the doorway watching with a worried face. Grian can share the sentiment.

"No, no! Wait!", Ranboo rushes to say, which causes more than a few eyebrows to raise in question. The teenager seems to grow meek at that, almost shying away behind the overbearing protection of his friends -they are quite literally squeezing the life out of him. "I, um, I have your phone and your um, wallet"

"Alright, hand them over"

It is very weird for The Blade to be seen this calm over thievery, and if anything, all the shouting from before proves that point. Grian can't help but be suspicious. He quickly goes over and disentangles the two shorter boys from the other's body and guides them towards the bedroom, where it is safe. It's not exactly a way for him to indirectly shield their ears and physical health, it's not like they won't put their ears on the door anyway, but it's so he can have some peace of mind that Tommy won't maul anyone to death again and Tubbo won't sting anyone till they fall into a comma again.

Don't ask how he knows their crimes. He has his uh, sources? Yeah, we'll call it that. Just- don't ask.

"Please, don't hurt him, Mr. Blade, he's just being a rebel", Stress tries to make sure that no harm comes Ranboo's way. She mostly has her eyes on the hero's hands as Techno opens them, expecting to be handed his items. Mumbo immediately agrees, though Wilbur questions whether Mumbo actually knows these people or not.

"They are our little street kids", the woman says after a short while of Ranboo fumbling with the many, many inside pockets of his jacket (which are mostly holes which Stress has patched up and somehow he made them work as pockets). Techno's nod is almost dismissive. Ranboo hesitantly approaches, and hastily places both requested items in the awaiting hands of the hero. "I sincerely apologize for his behavior"

"I think he should be the one apologizin', ma'am", Techno says, to which Ranboo seems to become a foot shorter to hide behind Stress.

"Please, don't take him to the station", she says but she is dismissed once again. The woman sighs and sadly nudges the teen towards the hero. Ranboo is at a loss for words for a few lengthy moments.

"I'm very sorry about stealing your stuff, sir", he says, and Stress discreetly puts a comforting hand on his side. Grian's wings shuffle behind him and Mumbo drags him to him and WIlbur, "I won't do it again"

"What's your name, kid?"

"um... Ranboo?"

"Here"

"Huh?"

Suddenly, in Ranboo's spindly fingers rest a few banknotes. Bright orange banknotes. 50s. A good four of them.

What.

"Don't go stealin' wallets again, some of them hold another sort of value that pawnbrokers don't see, alright?"

Wilbur absolutely gapes at his brother. Grian, despite the absurdity of the situation, finds it in himself to chuckle. A hero forgiving a thief just like that, without taking them down to the station and keep them in police custody for a day? That's unheard of! Especially from The Blade, who has like a million arrests on his record!

Who is this look alike standing before them? Where is their Techno?

"O-okay?", Ranboo stummers, probably from the shock of not being either cut in half or put in handcuffs. Stress seems bewildered too, and Grian gives her a look that he'll find out what's going on later, when no one will be as confused.

"I'll be taking my leave now, it was nice meeting you and uh, sorry about your door", Techno awkwardly coughs. Stress looks at the door, finally registering its state. Yeah, that door is near shattered.

"It's uhm, alright"

Which it isn't but after what has just happened, neither Grian nor Mumbo have the mind to disagree.

"I will get some guys to replace it, I promise"

At that, Wilbur turns away from them to talk to Phil again, saying something about needing him to order a door as well.