I was a mess in the city, New York was everything I'd hoped and dreamed of, but my head was spinning in infinite circles.

I was the mess in the city.

Everything was fuzzy as I passed the tall skyscrapers with bright lights, raining pouring against my leather jacket, faces all around me but they felt like a blur, only two names, only two faces coming to mind right now.  

Jonathan or Luke? The big question, it was as heavy as the lump in my throat and stung as bad as the tears in my eyes.

My hands were cold as I pulled my jacket to myself, stumbling into a cozy little coffee shop.

The barista glanced at me, welcoming me. I said nothing back as I sat at a table. She looked at me sympathetically, then disappeared into the back, leaving me alone with my loud thoughts.

She returned a few minutes later with a warm hot chocolate in her hands. I offered her a small smile and a thank you. She told me she hoped I'd be okay tonight, then left me alone again.

As soon as I was alone, the lump in my throat returned as heavy as ever.

The question presented itself to me in the tallest of forms. They had both confessed their affections, and I had to choose, right? But, what if I loved them both? What if everything that had came to be, out of infinite realities with infinite meanings, I fell in love with them both? I fell in love with them and everything they had to give. I fell in love with the lights in their eyes, the shine in their smiles, the sounds of their voices.

What if I had come to the conclusion that they were the cause of every conceivable constellation of my life, every turmoil that breached the surface of my brain was aided by them, that the universe only started with what ended, that my end will be with not one of them, but both of them?

What if I never loved the drugs and the money, the killing to release my anguish and pain, the lust to take away the endless days and months and years of my own plight? What if I just love the sound of their voices on skin after endless nights of battling with the anxiety I felt, what if I just loved the way their hands felt in mine whenever I silently asked to be held, what if the only refuge I could find myself staying infinitely in was them? My home.

Taking out my phone, I sent a text to our small group chat.

[Y/N]: I won't choose between you...I love you both.

-

"I can't fight the feeling, and every night I feel it."