[A/N: This is a two part chapter I've been working on for a while. I do really hope you'll enjoy it💛]

20th of August, 2027

I was laying on the sofa, covered in a light blanket, as Dom walked through the door. It was a Friday afternoon, and he'd come home early from work. I had been home all day, essentially trying to get work done, however giving in to the nausea after lunch. On the TV was a British renovating program, which was my biggest comfort watch.
"Hey, I'm home-", Dom announced, and I could hear that he was carrying bags from the supermarket. I couldn't find the energy to reply to him. A couple of seconds later, I could hear him put the bags down. "Rue?", he asked, a little worrisome.
"On the sofa", I quietly replied, exhausted.
"I was thinking that we could order takeout tonight, maybe?", he said, sounding relieved to hear me as he walked over from the kitchen. I knew he was trying to brighten my spirits and desperately trying to get me to eat, but I just violently shook my head. Even the thought of takeout made me feel sick to my bones.
"No", I helplessly replied, as I pulled the blanket over myself, despite it being a warm August day. Dom came up to me. "You can get it. For you"
"Is it that bad, darling?", he caringly asked, as he kneeled in front of me to meet my eyes. I desperately nodded. The nausea had gotten extensively worse over the last couple of days. Today was the worst yet. It had just grown worse and worse over the course of the day. Lying like this on the sofa was the only thing that made it bearable.
"Have you had anything to eat today?", he asked, his tone concerned. He had stayed a little longer this morning before work, and made sure I had drunk a bit of water before he left.
"Not really", I forced out a reply. "I had a bowl of cereal. But it came back up"
"I'm sorry", Dom said, stroking my head. "But you really need to eat, darling-"
I instinctively shook my head.
"You practically haven't eaten in three days, Rue. And it's like ninety degrees outside. Just say anything you think you can stomach and I will get it for you", Dom told me, putting on a serious note.

Last week, at the first appointment, dr Santos had expressed concerns about the nausea I was experiencing in combination with my OCD and anxiety during all the questions she had asked. Especially with how my relationship with food had been over the years. I knew that Dom had been extra attentive to that information.

I looked at him.
"I don't want anything", I whimpered.
His face softened.
"You need to eat", he countered.
"I know", I complained, squeezing my eyes closed as I tried to suppress another wave of nausea.
Dom sighed, as he kindly looked at me.
"We can call dr Santos? She told us to call if it got worse, and you know she mentioned that there are meds for this-", he tried to suggest, but I just shook my head.
"No meds", I told him. My fear of pills was still present since all those years ago when I'd overdosed on my antidepressants. Now I barely even took an Advil when I had a headache. I didn't trust myself around them. So, in a sense, it actually wasn't a fear. Just a way to self-preserve.
Dom looked at me, and put on a serious face.
"Either, we call dr Santos and get a prescription, or we try and find something you can eat. Which is it?", he asked me. I just shook my head, and pushed myself up in a seated position. I had to steady myself with my arm. I could feel myself shaking, and the world instantly started spinning.
"Hey-", Dom exclaimed and grabbed me by my shoulders, as he saw me lose my balance. I squeezed my eyes closed, over and over, as I practically whimpered while trying to avoid being sick.
The panic inside me was growing.
I began to tap desperately, counting each one.
"Rue - breathe. Look at me. Breathe with me", Dom said, trying to get my attention. In between the blinks, I watched him as he took the lead on breathing in the pattern that I found to be safe. He held my hand, and massaged it in a way that made me remember that he was there.
"There we go", he told me, sounding revealed as my breathing matched his. "It's okay. You can be sick if you have to. I'll be here", he reassured me. I desperately shook my head in between routines.

We stayed like that for a while, at least until my panic had worn off and my breathing and heart rate had gone back to normal.
"We need to get something in your system", Dom stated, not giving me any choice by that point. I could hear that he was worried.
He let go of my hand, and headed off to the kitchen.

Less than a minute later, he arrived back with a glass filled with an orange coloured drink.
"Fluid replacement", he ordered. Next to it, he had some flavorless wafer crackers. "You need it", he said, sitting down next to me. I took the glass from him, but only after covering my nose. It was one of the few things I had figured out that helped me.
Unwillingly, I started to drink. Carefully, I took sip after sip. Just awaiting the next wave. Just awaiting the fact that I probably would throw this up too.

After I had finished the whole glass, Dom took it off my hands, and put it down on the coffee table in front of us so that I wouldn't have to bend over.
"Can I wait with the crackers?", I asked him, as I tried to suppress the feeling that I might throw up all the way to the back of my mind.
"Of course", he assured me, and put his arm around my shoulder. Slowly, as I allowed myself to lean my head on his. He stroked my head, and pulled my hair behind my ear. Eventually, we both focused on the renovating show.
Me, to try and keep my mind off of things. Him, in solidarity.

"I'm sorry I'm forcing you to eat", he told me after half an hour, and I could hear that he was beating himself up for it. He knew my relationship with food wasn't great, and that I had been monitored on and off over the years. He always had an eye out for it. And he had always convinced me to eat; but never forced.
On the TV, the credits were rolling.
"You're not. I have to eat. I know that. It's just the way it is", I told him, as I anxiously swallowed. "It's just really hard"
"Still, I don't like it", he told me, his voice cracking. I could feel him looking at me.
"You're not forcing me", I assured him. "Could you hand me the crackers?", I hesitantly asked him, as I took a deep breath. He instantly leaned over to grab them and put them in my hand. I took a bite.

Like a mouse, it took me over an hour to finish all four.
Dom kept still by my side.
My mind had gotten clearer since he came through the door.
The renovating show was on its third episode.
Time went incredibly slow and extremely fast at the same time.
A thought struck me, one that I had been thinking about in the last few days.
"We might have to tell people much sooner if it's going to continue like this. I'm not able to do anything. Sebastian called me the other day and asked if I could pick him up from school and I could barely make it through the call-", I said, as the realist I was. I was only eight weeks, and I wasn't sure if it was going to get worse. I didn't exactly want to, but somehow I felt like I had to. "Even if we don't know how it's gonna go yet"
Dom looked at me.
"Don't think about that. It's gonna go well", he said optimistically in order to brighten my spirit. "We can keep on as is. And we'll tell everyone once you feel better. Okay?"
His eyes were supportive, as he smiled to the side.
I looked down at my hands.
I was fiddling and tapping in the pattern I liked.
My scars were still healing.
But I hadn't touched my arms since I found out.
"Mom already knows. She was the first I called. I panicked. I'm sorry", I told him, to which he just smiled. "And Sepi sort of knows. She figured out it might be why I was sick. She got the tests"
"Of course she did", he said to me, smiling, as he put the pieces together. "I actually wondered how you got them-"
"You're not mad?", I asked him. I blamed myself for going there, but the worry was in the back of my mind. So I asked, trying to get rid of it. "That you're not the first I told?"
"Why would I be? You needed your Mom, so you called her. I wouldn't have wanted you to be alone", he stated, as if it was obvious. I shrugged my shoulders. He took my hand, and interrupted my tapping. "I think you should tell Sepi", he said, looking at me with knowing eyes. "If you want to"
"I think I need her to know", I quietly admitted.

Since finding out, the days had only gotten harder and more worrisome. Sepi and I had supported each other in every way possible since becoming friends. In all honesty, I wasn't sure if I could get through this without her. I hadn't seen her since she'd dropped off the tests, and I hadn't been able to erase her scared face from my mind.

"She's worried", I added.
"I know", Dom replied, pulling me in and quickly kissing my temple, as I leaned my head on his shoulder.
"Telling someone...", I slowly said, as if I was tasting every word. "Telling someone will make it even more real"
I fiddled with his hand, stroking his thumb. Feeling him next to me, holding my hand, gave some ease to the situation.
He wasn't going anywhere.
"Yeah", Dom replied. "This won't just be ours anymore", to which I looked up at him. He looked so happy. "I can't wait to tell people. But I also really like that it's just us"
I somehow found myself giggling. The nausea had somehow settled on a manageable level, and I could feel myself coming back to life from getting myself some energy into my body.
"It's like having the biggest secret ever", I told him, finding myself smiling. "And not being able to tell anyone. How do people do this?"
Dom giggled, too.
"I really don't know", he said, running his hand through his hair. "I was talking to Dad on the phone earlier, and I literally thought I was going to burst"
I put my hand on my stomach.
I hadn't done that before.
Not really.
In a strange way, I hadn't wanted to acknowledge it.
"It's weird", I quietly said, looking at my stomach. "Thinking that there's a baby growing in there", I explained. "But there is"
Dom put his hand next to mine.
It felt right. His hand always felt right.
Everything about this felt right.
Even the nausea.
"Yeah", he said, and you could hear from miles away that he was smiling. "How do you want to tell Sepi?", he asked me. Truth be told, we both had no idea how to tell people.
"I can't ask her to come here", I said, sighing. I still felt bad for forcing her to come with the tests, when she was still convinced that I was sick. And that she would get sick. She still was.
"I could call her?", I tentatively asked, and he nodded upliftingly. "What do you even say?"
"I don't know?", Dom replied, sounding as if he was confused by the fact that I was asking him. His big eyes made me laugh.
"Hey Sepi, remember when you bought ten pregnancy tests two weeks ago? Turns out you were right!", I exclaimed with a bright presenter voice, cringing from what I was saying. I put my hands up and covered my eyes in embarrassment, but also to repress a wave of nausea. "Oh god, we're so bad at this"
Dom just laughed.
"Maybe turn it down just a notch?", he suggested, after having calmed himself.
"I feel like we have to rehearse", I told him, which was very me. Dom looked at me, not pointing it out, but he knew.
"I think we should just call her", Dom countered by shrugging his shoulder, which was very him. He liked going into things knowing nothing, and I liked to prepare in all ways possible.
"I know you're right", I admitted. If we'd go down my route, we wouldn't call her at all.
"Should I go get the picture?", he said, seemingly excited.
I nodded. He left my side. I took up my phone, and prepared by getting her contact out.
"Here you go", Dom told me, holding out the picture for me. We had put it up on our fridge, just to remind ourselves what was going on. In a sense, for me, it was a way to remind myself what I was doing this for.
Hesitantly, I took the picture. The little blob on it was distinct. I looked at my phone.
"Just call her", Dom encouraged me. "She'll be so happy, Rue"
Unsure, I pressed the call button on FaceTime, and tilted the phone so that I looked a little more alive than I felt.
Soon, Sepi answered the call and she popped up on the screen.
"Heya", she exclaimed, smiling, while she put on her glasses. She looked a little tired. "Sorry, Rue, I've been staring at screens and code all day-"
"Hi Sep", I said, putting on a slight smile through the nervousness. "Are you home?"
"Yeah. Can't you see?", Sepi said, as she showed her living room.
"Well, yeah", I admitted, feeling slightly embarrassed by the question. "Um, Dom's here too", I said, and Dom popped into frame.
"Hi!", he said, sounding easy, as he waved his hand.
"Oh, hi!", Sepi said, before turning her attention to me again. "Are you feeling better?"
"Um-", I said, desperately giving Dom a look, hoping he'd say something clever. But he was absolutely quiet. He was giving this moment to me. Part of me was thankful for it, and part of me desperately wanted him to just figure it out and tell the story himself for me. He made anything seem easy.
"That's actually what I wanted to talk about", I managed to get out. I looked down, and saw that I was holding the picture really tightly. "I probably won't get any better soon, because-", I said, as I brought the sonogram picture into frame. "Because of this?", I said, laughing kind of nervously.
Sepi's eyes widened, and her mouth formed an O before she could manage to say something.
"Really?", she exclaimed, her voice non-believing.
I found myself nodding.
"I mean, I told myself not to not get my hopes up and I figured that you were just ill-", she admitted, and it was something so typical of her to say. "Really?!", she repeated, sounding too excited to convince herself that it was real.
I nodded again. Dom was laughing next to me.
"Yeah", I replied, feeling my eyes well up. "Yeah-", and I wasn't sure why I was reacting the way I did, but maybe it was because telling someone made the whole thing true. "It really is real"
Sepi shrieked of joy.
Dom carefully took the sonogram from me as I began to wipe my tears.
"How far along are you?", she asked, after comprehending the information.
"8 weeks", I managed to get out, as I tried to stop myself from crying. "So it's still really early", I added, and anyone could hear that it scared me.
Sepi nodded with an understanding look on her face.
"I wasn't prepared to cry", I admitted, as I kept on weeping while smiling. I looked at Dom, feeling full of laughter about my reaction. He was grinning from ear to ear.
"How long have you known?", Sepi tentatively asked us, her excitement shining through her eyes.
"Since you were here, I guess. Two weeks?", I said, practically questioning the passing of time. "We weren't really supposed to tell anyone", I admitted, still trying to get myself to stop crying.
"But Rue wanted to tell you", Dom added, with a smile. "And I did too"
"You're going to make me cry", Sepi exclaimed. "I'm the first to know?", she continued to ask, to which I nodded.
"I've hated keeping it from you", I admitted, as the tears finally stopped.
"I'm glad you told me", she replied. "How's- how's your OCD?"
I shrugged my shoulders, trying to downplay the subject. Dom stared at me with a strict look on his face, making me come clean.
"Well, besides being nauseous all the time, I wouldn't say it's good", I told her, smiling to the side. Sepi leaned her head to the side.
"Thanks Dom", she quickly said, thankful about how Dom usually got the truth out from me. "But we can talk about it whenever you want, Rue. Just call", she reassured me. I nodded, as I tried to keep the growing nausea down. "I won't tell anyone"
"I know", I replied, while taking a deep breath. "I'll call you again tomorrow, okay?"
She smiled.
"To be honest, I think I need a day to process", she said, her voice bright. "I'm so happy for you"
Dom pulled me in, stroking his hand on my shoulder reassuringly.
"Thank you", I told Sepi, for some reason. "We're really happy too. Scared, but happy", I forced out, feeling the nausea coming closer and closer.
"Of course. But I won't bother you any longer now. We'll talk tomorrow?", she asked, and I nodded. "But, before I go, Dom?"
Dom raised his eyebrows, looking at Sepi.
"Yeah?", he said.
"Make sure she eats", Sepi noted. I rolled my eyes, and giggled. I knew her reminders were out of love.
"Always", Dom replied, without a doubt.
"Love you. Bye", Sepi said.
"Bye!", Dom and I said in unison, as we hung up.
"I need to lie down", I stated, as I put myself down on the sofa. Dom took his arm away from my shoulder. I squeezed my eyes together, trying to avoid the pain and the unknown of the nausea. "Her reaction was good", I quietly pointed out, thankful for how she'd been calm but happy.
Dom smiled.
"Of course she'd have a good reaction. She loves you", he told me.
"I know", I replied, trying to breathe my way out of the anxiety-inducing nausea.
In the corner of my eye, I saw his camera lay in the bookshelf. He'd probably put that there after the morning of his birthday, when I had used it last. But he still hadn't taken any photos.
"You're allowed to take pictures, you know that right?", I kindly told him, as I tried to distract myself from how my body was making me feel. I had gotten so used to him taking pictures all the time that it felt weird not having him carry his camera with him over the last couple of weeks.
"I know", he said, laughing a little at my remark.
"Why don't you then?", I hesitantly asked him. "It's what you love"
"You know why", he replied, as if he wanted to avoid the subject although he knew he couldn't. "I don't want to photograph you when you don't feel well. You already have a hard time at the moment. I don't want to remind you of it"
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath.
"I love your pictures. And I'm really thankful that you never photograph me during a panic attack, or a routine. But this is different", I explained, as I opened my eyes to glance at him. "This is something to remember, isn't it?"
He highered his eyebrows, and the he hesitantly nodded.
"Yeah. Of course it is", he replied, his voice soft. "Of course I want to remember this", he continued to tell me, his smile sad, and slowly fading.

In all honesty, his camera had spent most of its time on a shelf since the end of last year. We both knew there was a reason for it.

"Come, lie next to me", I said. Our blue velvet sofa was small, and it was just so that the two of us could fit lying down next to each other. He carefully laid down behind me, and let his face snuggle into my hair. "Are you thinking of Flo?", I tentatively asked him. I could feel him nodding.
"I always am", he replied. "But, with all of this, I think about her all the time"
I took a deep breath. I knew this had stirred up his memories of Flo, but I hadn't asked about them until now.
"Have you looked at the pictures?", I quietly asked him. "Since the funeral?"
I knew the answer, but I wanted to ask anyway.
"Not really", he told me. "I tried to, but I couldn't even open the folder"
We stayed quiet for a while.
He kept his arms around my waist, as we held hands.
"You know, Rue, when she asked me to take pictures and document her last few months, I wasn't sure how to reply. But she insisted. Like she always did", he told me, as his voice was hanging on by a thread.
"She knew the pictures would be righteous", I pointed out, because it was true. Dom always told the truth with his photography. "That's why I encouraged you to do it"
He shrugged his shoulders, ever so slightly. He wasn't good at receiving praise.
"Dom, she adored your pictures", I added, my voice warm. "I adore your pictures. It pains me to see you avoiding your camera"

He stayed quiet.
I didn't cut in.
Because I knew that he was thinking.
And that, eventually, he'd speak.

It took a while, but he did.
"And the fact that she wanted me to exhibit them", he stated, seeming to think about her. I gave him a confused look. I hadn't known about this. "She told me that in the beginning. But-", he took a short break. "But somehow I think I thought that she'd be here for that. That she'd be here, looking through the pictures with me, telling me which I could show to the world", he seemed to run out of air.
I slowly turned around to face him.
"But she isn't", he managed to get out. His eyes were blank, and welled up with tears. They began to fall down his cheeks. I pulled him in. His curly hair tickled my nose.
"I know. I know", I repeated, over and over.
"I just have so many pictures of her, Rue. I don't know whether she wants people to see some of them", Dom continued to tell me through the tears. "It's like they are too much at the same time as they are too little"
I knew exactly what he meant by that.
I looked at him, my eyes meeting his eyes.
They were in pain from the memories.
And mine tried to bring him comfort.
He put his hand up, wiping his tears with the arm of his shirt.
Determined, he took a big breath and tried to collect himself.
"Sorry, I've just thought a lot about her recently. This-", he said as he put his hand on my cheek, tracing his thumb up to my eye. "You. It just makes me think about her. How happy she'd be"
I closed my eyes, picturing Flo jumping of joy.

She wasn't in a hospital bed.
Her hair wasn't gone.
And she wasn't as thin and puffy as she had been.

"I can see her dancing and running around with joy as we would tell her", I whispered to him. "And she'd tell us name, after name. Hoping she'd have an influence. She'd go and buy you a tacky Best Dad Ever t-shirt-", which made Dom giggle, as he cut me off.
"And you one that says Super Mom. And one for the baby, which would say don't make me call my aunt", he said, laughing of joy.
"A hundred percent yes", I agreed, smiling so brightly that it hurt. "She'd definitely be the fun aunt"
Dom laid his head down, smiling.
"She'd really be that", he said, looking at me with dreaming, but ever so sad, eyes, having wiped his tears. "Some days I just miss her so much that I don't know what to do with myself"
I nodded, looking him straight in his eyes.
I had those days too.
But I knew they were harder for him.
"We could tell her?", I tentatively suggested, putting on a smile.
"What do you mean?", he asked me, as he furrowed his eyebrows.
"We could go to her grave. And you could tell her", I explained, as I looked straight into his eyes. He blinked once, as he warmed to the idea. It seemed that my idea hadn't even slipped his mind before.
"Yeah. I guess, we- we could do that", he said, as he thought about the idea. "I think I'd really like that"
I smiled broader.
"Okay", I said, nodding at him. "Whenever. We can go now if you want"
"No, we can't", he replied, his eyes honest because he knew I couldn't even if I wanted to. "Tomorrow? If you are feeling alright", he asked me, raising his eyebrows.
"Sure", I told him without question, as I leaned further into his embrace.
"Okay", Dom concluded before wiping his eyes and cheeks a final time, as he placed a kiss on the top of my head. "But right now we need to find something for you to eat-"
"Dom-", I groaned. He cracked a loving laugh at my reaction.
"I'll get some more fluid replacement and crackers-", he said, carefully detangling himself from our embrace. "And I'll cut up a green banana. Anything else?"
"Nope", I said between my teeth. He smiled.
"Coming right up"

—————
Hello hello!
It's been a long time coming, right? Well, in that time I've now finished my internship, I've become a project manager for a student association I've been part of this last year and this past weekend I went and saw Taylor Swift in Stockholm. It's been a lot happening, but it's been worth it🫶

Seeing Taylor was absolutely glorious, and despite being a little short I did see her when she was right up front, and I just sang and danced all night long. It was the perfect way to end my second year of study, and the vibes at Friends Arena were just immaculate. I went with my little sister, and I wrote to her the day before that my wishes for surprise songs were Cornelia street and Clean. And I got Clean. Let's just say I wasn't planning on crying, but when it came to the chorus of that song I just burst into tears. In a way I just can't really comprehend that I was there with 60.000 other people, and if I were to tell my 2020 self who was playing folklore over and over again in her room during the pandemic, thinking that she'd never be able to go to a concert again, I wouldn't have believed it. But I was there, on the 18th of May, of Stockholm N2 of the eras tour. And I am just so thankful for the fact that Covid isn't as it was☀️

So, basically I finished my internship on Friday and then went straight to Stockholm. It's weird finishing my year this early, but I'm also so grateful to have some time off. I just have my presentation tomorrow and then I'm free. I have a really exciting project that I will be working on, and in two weeks I'm starting my summer job, and I will once again work at a literal castle🏰

With that said, I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love writing this, and I hope it shows. I will post the second part tomorrow, so be ready for that! 📖

Q of the Day: What's a dream concert of yours?
Me? Taylor was a dream come true, problem is that now I just want to go see her again.

I do hope you'll have the loveliest of days, because I need to go to bed.
Sincerely,
H

Published: 20th of May, 2024