[A/N: This chapter contains mentions of OCD, suic*de and s*xual abuse. It also goes into detail of a doctor's appointment. If that triggers you, please don't read this chapter. And just so you now, this one is over 8000 words, so get yourself a snack and start reading 📖]

12th of August, 2027

It was early morning, and I had barely slept. There were two reasons for this. First, we had our first doctor's appointment today, and I had spent the last few days worrying on top of constantly feeling nauseous. Second, it was Dom's birthday. And I wanted to make the day the best I could, despite how I felt. I wanted it to be like we always did it.

I was stood in the kitchen. In front of me, was the wooden tray that we always used for breakfast. On it, I had placed a small table cloth, a plate, cutlery, a glass of orange juice and the birthday mug. It was white, and had fun, childish, lettering on it that said happy birthday to you, and according to Dom, it had been too irresistible to not bring home from the store. He had got it for me when we had celebrated my birthday in my first apartment a couple of years back. I poured his coffee in the mug, and poured some milk over it. Behind me, I could hear how the bagels popped up from the toaster. The smells had already made me more nauseous than when I had woken up, but I did everything to ignore it. Carefully, I took the toasted bagel out, and spread some cream cheese on it. Next to it, I put some crispy bacon and a sunny side up egg from the sizzling pan. Lastly, I got the small chocolate cupcake out of the fridge that I had decorated last night. I had baked them yesterday, when Dom hadn't been home. I put a multi-coloured candle in the frosting that I had topped with yellow sprinkles, and right before walking to our bedroom to wake him up, I lit it. Right as I was outside the door, I began to sing.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you-", I sang as I walked inside. Dom was well-awake, and looked at me with a smile. "Happy birthday dear Dom, happy birthday to youuu-", I continued to sing, trying to resist smiling too much. I put the breakfast tray down in front of him.
Dom put his arm around my waist, and pulled me in for a kiss.
"You know you're supposed to pretend to be asleep, right?", I jokingly told him, my voice quiet, as he pulled me in.
"Yeah", he replied, smiling. "But I don't care", he added, and kissed me. I cracked a laugh.
"Happy birthday, then", I told him, and jumped up to sit on the bed next to him. "Blow out your candle and make a wish", I instructed him, and he happily followed.
"Did you bake these yesterday?", he asked me, looking at me with a curious look. I nodded. "I thought I smelled chocolate last night", he said, laughing. "You didn't have to, darling-", he added, but I just shook my head, smiling.
"It's your birthday", I pointed out. "And it's tradition"
He smiled to the side, looking at me.
"Are you alright?", he asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Yeah. Just tired-", I told him. Exhausted, actually.
"No throwing up?", he asked me.
I looked at him, shrugging my shoulders in reply, trying to brush it off.
"Well, yeah, I did", I told him, while trying to repress the memory from this morning as I had hunched over the toilet first thing. "But it's fine. And I thought you could use some sleep", I added, as I took his hand. He squeezed it, and rubbed his thumb on the top of my hand.
"Ruthers-", he said, a little worried.
"Dominic, it's fine. I've got to get used to it, eh?", I pointed out, smiling even though it scared me.
He smiled back.
"Open your card", I instructed, nodding towards the hand-written envelope I had put on the tray as well. He let go of my hand and took it, carefully opened it and let his eyes wander over the letters I had put together.
"A cooking class?", he said out loud, with a bright smile on his face, as he gave me an excited look.
"You can choose whichever of theirs, they gave a few on their website", I told him. "It's actually a voucher for two, because I got it a couple weeks back, but I think you'll have to bring someone else now", I added, a little hesitant to explain it to him because the whole situation still seemed unreal. Like it wasn't really happening.
He laughed, making me think less of it and making me smile instead.
"Well, yeah", Dom said, pointing out the obvious. "But I would've loved to do it with you, just so you know", he told me, looking at me with kind eyes. "It's a lovely gift. Thank you", he continued, as he pulled me in for another hug.
"I have one more", I quietly told him, as I pulled away from him. I jumped off the bed, and walked over to the closed. I opened the door, and pulled all my clothes aside to reveal a present I had carefully wrapped last week when I had felt good enough to manage. I bent over, and picked it up, only to turn back around and give it to Dom who was already taking a bite out of the cupcake. If he could pick, he always picked dessert first.
"Here you go", I said, and handed the box over to him carefully. As he accepted it, I grabbed his camera from the dresser.
"Wow. Big present", Dom said, putting the cupcake down before taking the box. "What have you gotten me now?", he asked me, sounding pleasantly surprised, as he gave me a wondering look.
I shrugged my shoulders, and smiled ever so slightly as I took a seat next to him again.
"I've got you something you need", I replied, giving him a clue. He raised his eyebrows at me, confused, and a little hesitant as I held the camera in my hand. He rarely stood in front of it. I giggled.
"Come on, open it-", I said, and he did. He carefully untied the bow and undid the wrapping, and then opened the cardboard box. He cracked a laugh, and I snapped a picture.
"You know me too well", he exclaimed, lifting it up. "A helmet!"
He excitedly looked at it, inspecting its blue exterior.
"And blue to match my bike", he noted, giving me a knowing look.
"Well I just thought that you've had the same helmet since I met you, and it's been a while and a few crashes since then", I explained myself, feeling myself blush. He put it on his head, and fastened it under his cheek. I took another picture.
"I love it", Dom exclaimed, as he waved his head around in an attempt to try it out. He excitedly took it off, still admiring it. "It's definitely a step up from my old one", he continued. "Now you definitely have to bike with me more", he pointed out, to which I instantly shook my head.
My bike stood mostly unused in our building's community storage area.
"At some point, maybe. But definitely not now", I told him.
Dom smiled at me knowingly.
"We can always wait", he told me. He looked down at the breakfast, and picked up the bagel, and looked back at me. "Have you eaten?"
I shook my head.
"Do you want one of the bagels?", he asked me.
Yet again, I shook my head.
"Too nauseous", I said, yawning at the same time. Instead of telling me the obvious, he just smiled to the side. "Come on, smile for the camera. This is your day", I told him. He smiled nicely. I snapped a picture.
"Come, lay down next to me. You can get some sleep before we have to go", he suggested. I hesitantly nodded, because both him and I knew how exhausted I was. I gave him the camera, and he put it on his nightstand.

He hadn't taken a single picture since we found out. It was unlike him, but also very like him. He had once said that he would never photograph me when I wasn't well, or when I was uncomfortable. And so, he hadn't touched his camera. But, all in all, he hadn't taken a lot of pictures since Flo died.

Slowly, I curled up next to him, and let my head rest on his pillow. He quickly kissed me on my forehead.
"Close your eyes. I'll be right here", he said.
I did. And I let myself face the darkness that I had learned to dread over the past few days. Because everytime I left it, I'd wake up feeling worse than when I had entered it.

Dom squeezed my hand.
"How are you feeling?", he quietly asked me, as we sat next to each other in the sterile waiting room. The hospital had tried to make it less daunting by putting up interesting artwork on the walls, filling vases with flowers and laying out magazines that were easy to digest. In the corner, there was a TV that was showing the latest news.
I was tapping with both my hands.
Dom was holding one of them, but he didn't mind it.
I could feel how his worried eyes were trying to find mine.
I nodded, over and over.
"I'm okay", I replied, as I anxiously swallowed. "Just a lot", I added, and he knew exactly what I meant with that. I closed my eyes, and tried to drown out the sound of the distant hospital machines, the friendly chatter and the news from the TV.
"I know, I know", Dom reassuringly told me. "But we're here now. Halfway"
I nodded. He knew I appreciated time marks. Halfway meant closer to getting back to where it was safe.

After my surprisingly calm nap, I had woken up more nauseous than I had been in the last few days. I'd thrown up the water I had drunk in the morning, and the little of what was left from the night before. I had been sitting on the floor of the bathroom, shaking as I broke a cold sweat. Dom had stayed right with me. Just as he'd promised. I had broken down crying next to him, finding myself hysterically apologizing about it. He had stayed. And reassured me that it was going to be okay. Just thinking of it made me anxious.

"Ruth Miranda?", a clear female voice said. I looked up in a slight panic, feeling my heart pounding faster than usual. Dom squeezed my hand as if to remind me that he was there.
"That's me", I quietly forced out.
"Come with me. I'll take you to Dr Santos", the nurse announced, smiling at me. Dom stood up, still holding me hand.
"Come, Ruthers. I'll be right here with you", he said, looking at me earnestly.
On shaky legs, I stood up, and followed the nurse as she began to walk through a corridor. A couple of doors down, we stopped, and she gestured for us to walk inside. There, a woman in her mid 40s sat by her desk, a pair of glasses on her nose as she was looking at something on her computer. As we walked through the door, she instantly turned to us and let a smile spread across her face, and stood up. She put her glasses up on her head.
"Ruth, right?", she said, as she walked over to us and held her hand for me to take it. I hesitantly nodded, and cautiously shook her hand. I still hadn't let go of Dom's.
"I mostly go by Rue", I told her, but it sounded small. She nodded towards me.
"Alright. Rue. I'm Dr Penelope Santos, but most people call me Pen", she said, smiling towards me. I nodded, forcing a smile back. She then looked at Dom. "And this is?"
"Dominic. Dom", he said, also shaking her hand. Only now did I realise that he was nervous too, by recognising how he was acting. His voice was slightly shaky. I'd been too focused on myself, and instantly felt bad about it. "Rue's partner"
Dr Santos smiled again, and nodded.
"Well, welcome. Take a seat and we'll get started", she told us, as she walked back to her desk that was stood up against a wall. Next to it was two chairs, and an examination table. I cautiously walked over, and sat down on the examination table. Dom took a seat in one of the chairs, still holding my hand.
She wrote on her computer, and seemed to pull up my chart. Her glasses were back on her nose.
"So, Rue, what brings you here today?", she calmly asked me. I looked at her, confused.
"Don't you know that?", I asked her, my voice still quiet because I still felt scared to speak.
"I've just had a quick look at your chart. I'd like for you to tell me because it's more personal", she explained to me, her voice soothing. "That's because I want to make sure every patient of mine will get a good experience during their visit. I plan and rearrange the visit as I go, in order to make you feel more comfortable. Alright?"
I nodded, and looked down at my hands.
I had hoped I wouldn't have had to speak too much.
"I think I'm pregnant", I uttered.
"Okay", dr Santos said. "Then you've come to the right place", she assured me. Somehow, her calm voice made me feel more safe. "How sure are you?"
I tapped. Dom still held my hand.
"I took ten tests on friday. All different tests. So pretty sure", I told her, as I looked up to meet her eyes.
"You like being sure", she pointed out. For the first time since walking into the hospital, I cracked a genuine smile. I glanced at Dom. He was smiling too, keeping his eyes on me. "And you're here to be sure", she concluded.
"Yeah, um...", I began to say, suddenly finding myself looking down at my tapping hands again.
"That's why we wanted an appointment this soon", Dom pointed out, squeezing my hand again. All in all, he was the one who had called.
"Alright", dr Santos said, as she typed out the information. "We'll make sure to cover all the bases. That's what we do during the first prenatal visit", she said, trying to find my eyes, as I kept them pinned down on my lap. "I always ask this first, and I want you to know that I will help you, whatever your answer is. Are you planning on going through with the pregnancy?"
The question made my heart flutter, and I wasn't exactly sure why.
Carefully, I moved my head to glance at Dom. I couldn't see why, but part of me wanted to check with him again. Just in case. His soft eyes met mine, and he nodded. I nodded too.
"Yeah... It wasn't planned, but yeah. I am. We are", I quietly replied, feeling a sense of happiness come over me as I told her the answer. I found myself smiling, saying it. And I could see that a smile spread across Dom's face too.
The small moment made me feel safe for a second, but then I looked down at my lap again, giving in to the routines. Everything about this place made me feel uneasy.
"Alright then, congratulations", Dr Santos told us. Her tone was calm and safe as she tried, yet again, to find my eyes. "I can see that you are finding this hard, Rue. Would you mind explaining why?"
I kept my eyes down, as I forced myself to answer.
"I don't like hospitals", I quietly said. "And I haven't been here before"
As I was saying that, I forced myself to look up.
She was facing me with an understanding look on her face, having left her computer.
In a way, I appreciated how she hadn't looked at my chart and only judged me based on that.
I knew that the next question was going to be about my medical history and history of medical issues in the family.
I replied before she got a chance to ask it.
"I have severe OCD. I got diagnosed when I was fourteen. I also have PTSD from childhood trauma. Mainly from violence and s*xual abuse. I have broken my arm once, and I have a hearing aid because I'm deaf on my left ear. I was a foster kid, but I know my biological dad killed himself. He was an alcoholic. My biological mother was a drug addict, or is. Not sure", I lined it up, trying to keep my emotions out of the equation. She nodded. "But I think I'm healthy"
"How's your OCD now?", she calmly asked me.
"It's been flaring up over the last few weeks. I actually thought that was why I was missing my period. Because I haven't really been eating as I should", I told her, smiling a little as if to make the story better.

I didn't dare to look at Dom, because I hadn't told him that part. But, deep down, I knew he had noticed.
He always did.

"Has that happened before?", she carefully asked me. She didn't look worried, but there was a sense of concern on her face. I nodded.
"Um, yeah. In college, when COVID hit, I got really bad", I told her.
"So not eating is a routine of yours?", she asked me, her kind eyes looking at me. I nodded. She really tried to make it comfortable, but I still felt shame admitting it.
"But it helps having people around", and with saying that, I looked at Dom. The look on his face was worried, but he gave me an uplifting smile. He had definitely noticed. "Dom always notices"
"I'm glad to hear that", she concluded, as she quickly noted it. "Are there any other routines, or maybe triggers, that I should be aware of?"
My heart sank. I wish I would've been able to avoid this.
"It's usually just thoughts, like if I don't do this, this will happen. It's pretty constant. But I've gotten better at managing it. Usually it's small things, like tapping, blinking, twitching, ordering something, not stepping on something, doing things in a special way-", I explained, and anxiously swallowed before I got to the next part. "It usually flares up when something changes, when something reminds me of my past and when I'm not prepared. I...", I tried to say, but it was as if my throat was making itself into a knot.
I took a deep breath. Dom held my hand tightly.
"When it's really bad I scratch my arms until it bleeds. I did that on friday. It was a year since I had done it last"
She nodded, looking at me with an understanding and sincere look.
"It's alright. It happens. I'm thankful you're telling me. Are you on any medication for your anxiety?", she asked me. I shook my head.
"No. Um. I went on Prozac when I was first diagnosed, but I overdosed over time until I downed an entire bottle. My first and only attempt. I haven't dared to go on any other meds. I barely take ibuprofen", I said it in staccato, as I still had to force the words out. I had gotten better at talking about it over the years, and especially over the last few years when I had started working together with Sepi on our non-profit a few years back. "Loads of therapy, though. Now once a week"
"Have you ever thought attempting it again?", she hesitantly asked me.
"No, um. Not really", and as I said that I realized that it was true. I hadn't. She smiled upliftingly, nodding. And then I could feel myself smiling, too.
"That's good", Dr Santos told me, as she quickly noted something on her computer for the first time in a while. Then, she turned to me again.
"You mentioned s*xual abuse. It's really important to me to know about that and how that has affected you, given I'll be your OB-GYN. Would you feel comfortable talking about it?", she asked me. Her voice was careful and quiet, but clear. "Just tell me what you think is necessary. It's because I don't want to do something that makes you uncomfortable without knowing"
I looked down.
"I've been r*ped. Three people. I'll tell you if I start feeling uneasy", I forced out. Over the last few years, I had been getting better at telling people who had to know about it. But only after I had realized how much it had actually affected me.
"Thank you for telling me", she said, acknowledging my will to not talk about it more. She rolled her chair over to me. "You like being sure. As I said, we'll cover all the bases today. At home pregnancy tests are very sure, and I am going to ask you to do a urine test here today to confirm. We will also draw some blood to rule out any possible complications. I'll also perform a breast exam, as well as a pelvic exam"
I instantly nodded, looking at her in slight stress.
I had read up on these appointments beforehand; it was the reason why I hadn't been sleeping well, besides the nausea.
I was still tapping, but her calm presence made me not tap faster.
"First, I'll ask you to step on the scale over there so I can check your weight. "Given your history, I want you to look away from the display and I won't tell you the number. Okay?", she calmly instructed me, and I let go of Dom's hand. I hesitantly walked over to the scale, and stepped on it. I kept my eyes on Dom. He nodded towards me, as if to sy it's alright.
"Thank you", dr Santos said, and I stepped off to instantly sit back down on the examination table. It didn't take long before Dom was holding my hand again. She noted the number on her computer. "And how tall are you?"
"5'3", I replied, my voice monotone.

Over the years, I had learned how to manage to get through appointments like these. I had to distance myself from it.

She wrote down the number, and then looked at me.
"I'll start by listening to your heart and taking your pressure, as well as listening to your lungs", to which I nodded. It was like she was starting the appointment softly, and slowly increasing. She wrapped a cuff around my arm, and guided my arm to rest on a table. She put her stethoscope to her ear and carefully listened. I kept absolutely quiet, scared that it might alter it. She noted something.
"Your blood pressure is completely normal. That's good", she said, looking at me with a calm and reassuring look on her face. I exhaled. I could feel Dom relaxing his hand.
"And now, your lungs", she added. "Take a deep breath", and I did as she told me. She listened, and I could feel the coldness of the stethoscope on my back. "They sound well too"
Another check.
"So, when was your last period, Rue?", dr Santos asked me, as she pulled her glasses down and rolled over to a cart on her swivel chair.
"Eight weeks ago", I admitted. "As I said, I thought it was because I haven't been eating enough", she nodded as she took what she needed from the cart.
"Then you're here right on time. Around this time, you usually do your first prenatal visit", she explained, as she controlled the needle and the tube. "How are you with blood and blood tests?"
"Fine", I replied. "I just look away"
"That's good. Will you roll up your sleeve for me?"
I unwillingly let go of Dom's hand, and began rolling up my long sleeve linen shirt to reveal my bandages underneath. I began to undo them, but she quickly took over.
"I'll help you", she told me. "It's good that you take care of your scars", she assured me, as she unveiled the three random cuts that were still hurting, but healing. The thing that hurt the most was that there were three identical cuts on the other arm. Besides them, there were many healed scars.

Random, yet so even and perfect.
My stomach knotted itself.
I hated seeing them.
I hated seeing the additions.
And I hated that more people could see them.
That they weren't my private property.

Dom stood up, and stood closer to take my hand again. I leant onto his side, our arms intertwined, as I looked away from my arm. He pulled me in, too, guarding me from the three cuts and the needle that was about to drain blood from my vein. I kept my eyes straight forward, away from my arm.
"You're doing great", he whispered. "So great, darling"
"You'll feel a small scratch" Dr Santos said, and I did. I waited a few seconds. "So. Done", she said, sounding happy. She quickly wiped my arm, put on a band aid, and then put new bandages around my scars. "There you go", she added, as she gently pulled down my sleeve, and covered up my arm.
"Thank you", I quietly said, pulling down my sleeve.
"No need to thank me", she replied, and smiled softly at me. There was a light knock on the door, and a nurse stepped inside.
"Dr Santos, I've got the test here for you", she said, and then she looked at me with a big smile, before putting a plastic bag down on the desk.
"Thank you, Miller. Could you take this blood test before you go?", Dr Santos told her, and the nurse nodded and grabbed the tube of my blood. She quickly closed the door after her, and before I knew it, it was just us in the sterile room again.
"So. Most of this appointment is actually just us talking, but before that, I want to confirm the pregnancy. So I'm going to ask you to do a urine test now. Okay?"

After the urine test, a comforting well, you're definitely pregnant from Dr Santos, then me squeezing Dom's hand with pure happiness at what she was saying, and him smiling in the brightest yet most worrying way I'd ever seen him smile, we went through what felt and probably was an hour of questions. In that hour, Dom sat right next to me, and we helped each other answer every question that came our way. As soon as Dr Santos had begun, Dom had brought out an organized folder from his backpack filled with files and documents about his and mine's medical history. I hadn't even thought about that. I had only thought about the other parts of the visit.
Especially the one that was to come.

"Well, that was a lot of information for both you and me", Dr Santos concluded. "But I have finally run out of questions", she said, cracking a laugh. A knot formed in my stomach.
Though she had tried to make the situation less uncomfortable for me in every way possible, I still felt overwhelmed. I could feel routines building up in my mind, and though I was trying to keep up, I couldn't seem to catch up.
Dom put his hand on mine, as he realized that I was speeding up the tapping.
I was blinking, too. And counting every single one.
"Almost done", he reassured me, his tone warm.
Dr Santos turned to me, and put her glasses up on her head again.
"So, Rue, I know this visit has been a really long one, and I know it can feel quite overwhelming. For me, I am completely fine with you going home, recharging your batteries, and coming back in a day or two for the last few exams", she told me, looking at me with care. I could feel how Dom glanced at me with worry.
I didn't hesitate to answer.
"I think I'd prefer to just be... done with it, you know?", I forced out, my voice quieter than just a minute earlier where I had answered her questions clearly.

I knew that Dom would've preferred for me to take a break, but part of me already felt bad about how this was the way that we were spending his birthday. At the hospital. That he had taken a day off, last minute, in order to be with me because I couldn't go to the hospital alone.

But Dom just squeezed my hand, and didn't try to talk me out of it.
She nodded, smiling at me with an understanding look on her face.
"Okay", she said, acknowledging my wishes. "I'll be gentle with you, and I want you to tell me whenever you feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable. Can you promise me that?"
Hesitantly, I nodded as I anxiously swallowed.

I just needed to be over with it.
If I wanted this, I needed to do this.
And I truly did want this.

"We'll start with the breast exam, and then the pelvic exam. After I'm done with the pelvic exam, I'll go in with the ultrasound. Does that sound good to you?", she asked me. My eyes lit up from in surprise.
"I thought we wouldn't have one until a few more weeks?", I asked her, a little confused. Then, my mind began to spiral. "Is something wrong?"
She instantly shook her head, hearing the slight panic in my voice.
"No, Rue. Nothing is wrong. Everything looks good so far. The ultrasound is a way for me to determine the due date and see how far you actually are, since we don't know for sure. They are usually done during the first visit", she continued to explain. "Plus, I feel like it would be reassuring for both you and Dom to see the baby. It might make it feel more real"
I nodded, suddenly longing for what she was describing.
I looked at Dom. There was longing in his eyes too.
He squeezed my hand.
"Can Dom stay for the exams?", I asked, needing her to say yes. Dom and I had talked about it prior, as I had asked him if he would stay. He had undoubtedly replied with a yes.
"Yes. No problem", she replied.
And I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I kept my eyes closed for most of the remaining time of the appointment. I had to distance myself. And, when they weren't, I'd either stare at another direction or find comfort in the eyes of Dom. A couple of years back, I would've never asked him to come with me to the hospital, nor would I have dared to seek comfort in his presence. I wouldn't have allowed myself to have that privilege. I'd been too busy hiding myself, my mind and my routines. But he hadn't let me do that. And I had let him in.

I think I held my breath too, for the most part.
Every looks good from Dr Santos made me more and more aware of the fact that I was getting closer to going home.
And, most of all, that we were going to see it.

At one point, I unwillingly reacted by pulling away. I had kept so many reactions within my mind, that it suddenly had gotten too much. I squeezed my eyes closed, and I bit my lip, as I tapped harder with my hand.
"Sorry", I uttered. "It's okay", I instantly lied, breaking the promise I had made to her.
"I'm sorry. Just a little longer, okay?", dr Santos asked of me. I nodded, unwillingly.

Dom kept his eyes on me.
His face was tense, but he tried to seem calm.
His eyes were soft, yet worried.
And he was still holding my hand.
Still.

"You're doing so good. So good, Ruthers", Dom whispered to me, looking at me with an uplifting expression on his face.
And I could barely think of how it must be to see his other half on a hospital bed, clearly wanting to get away. I knew that there was panic in my eyes and on my face. But there was pain in his eyes.
"It's alright, Dom. I'll be alright", I reassured him through my pain and squeezed his hand. He nodded. In a way, I had completely detached myself from the procedure by doing every routine my mind could come up with. It was the only way I knew how to get by.
"There we go", dr Santos said, but I didn't notice. "Rue?", she asked, realizing I hadn't heard. Dom looked at me, squeezed my hand, and then gestured towards her. Quickly, I looked at her, prepared for the worst. "Everything looks good", she announced, and I could finally allow myself to take a proper breath. "So I'll go in with the ultrasound now, if that's alright?"
I nodded before she had even ended the question.
"Yeah", I said, consenting to her question.
She smiled kindly.
"Alright. I'll go in now. It might feel a bit odd. Just tell me if you feel uncomfortable, and I'll stop", she reminded me. "I'll be able to measure, and you'll be able to see. But I might not be able to get a heartbeat, given it's still quite early..."
I took a tighter grip around Dom's hand.
She had her glasses on her nose again, as she carefully looked at the screen.
I had my eyes locked on the screen, too, and focused on Dom's hand as I tried to keep my mind off the procedure. I knew Dom had his eyes on me.
"Still okay?", Dr Santos asked me, giving me a caring look.
My face was strained, but I nodded anyway.
"I'm okay", I uttered, though my voice sounded small and helpless.
"Well, there's definitely a baby in there. You see that bean there?", she told us, as she pointed at the screen. I nodded, because I did see it. "That's your baby", she concluded. I instantly turned my head towards Dom, my heart skipping a beat as I watched him watch me with such care in his eyes. He had heard, but he hadn't kept his eyes off of me. Both of our eyes were watery from emotion.
"Look", I whispered to him, and you could hear the excitement in my voice from miles away. I hadn't thought I'd be this excited. "That's our baby", I continued, and as I said that everything got real and I instantly felt like this entire appointment had been worth it.
I squeezed his hand harder than ever before, as he allowed his eyes to wander off of me and look at the screen, and then back at me. I was smiling. Smiling so hard that it actually hurt. And as he looked at me, he smiled too.
"Our baby, huh?", he whispered, as he kissed the top of my head. "I love you"
I closed my eyes and breathed out. I knew I'd been holding my breath for most of the appointment, but it became clear in that moment, as I breathed out and took a deep breath in for the first time since walking through the door. It was as if every worry had just run off me, and my head was clear. But I knew they'd soon be replaced by new ones. However, in that moment it was just me and Dom, and this whole new life within.

I thanked Dr Santos several times as the appointment ended. Part of me already knew that I would continue seeing her. In my tote bag was a folder of information that she'd given me, one that I was supposed to bring with me to every appointment. In my hand, I held the envelope with the pictures in a tight grip.
"Well then, I'll see you in a couple of weeks. And just call if you have any questions. Even if they're silly", Dr Santos reassured me, as she walked us to the door.
I nodded, even though I knew it would take a lot of me to actually do what she asked of me.
"Yeah. Thank you, really. We'll see you then", I hesitantly replied, because I knew that even though I felt comfortable with having her as my doctor, I still wouldn't manage to go to the hospital alone. And at that very moment, I just wanted to get out.
Dom held my hand as we walked through the corridors.

Even though I had felt relieved just 20 minutes ago, I was already filled to the brim with worries by having it confirmed. I could feel myself shaking, even though I was trying to hide it.

I was quiet.
Dom too.
I think we were both in a bit of a shock.

"Hey, darling, do you want to sit down for a second?", Dom worriedly asked me before we walked through the exiting door.
I shook my head.
"Just need some fresh air, I think", I managed to tell him.

I hadn't seen it coming, but everything I had kept hidden and held back from doing during the appointment was welling back up. Every flashback I had tried to drown out, and every thought that I had just pushed to the back of my mind. It was as if everything had suddenly become too real, and even though I wanted to be happy, I could feel my heart starting to beat faster.

Dom glanced at me. I could see that he was worried.
"Okay", he said, and we walked outside. The august warmth instantly hit us, and the AC that had been saving me from throwing up was suddenly replaced by the sticky august sun. I hadn't eaten anything since this morning, but somehow I still felt like there was something left in me to puke back up.

We walked three blocks, before I completely stopped moving.
Unwillingly, I let go of his hand.
He instantly noticed.
"Wait, Dom, I'm-", I said, as I felt the earth spinning around me. The nausea was at the brim.
Dom stopped just a meter in front of me, turning around.
My legs felt as if they wouldn't carry me anymore.
"Woah-", Dom said, as he grabbed me by the waist, and lead me to a staircase leading up to someone's townhouse in the shade. "Here, Ruthers, sit-", he instructed, as he carefully lowered me down.
Only now did I realize that I was, indeed, shaking.
He tried to find my eyes, as I was desperately blinking, and panically looking around myself. I couldn't seem to catch my breath.
"I- I...", I tried to tell him something, but I couldn't get the words out.
I started squeezing my eyes together, harder and harder as I hoped that the exhaustion and slight pain from it would make the thoughts and other routines go away. I couldn't focus on Dom's face and what he was saying, but I knew he was beating himself up for not having insisted on us going home sooner and coming back tomorrow again.
"Here", I could hear Dom say. "Here, darling. Just drink some water, please", he continued to say. His voice went in and out of my mind. I could see that he was holding a bottle of water in his hand.
I violently shook my head at the sight of the bottle.
"You have to drink something. You haven't eaten. It's the heat, Rue-"
I continued to shake my head.
"I don't want to be sick", I forced out, as I gasped for air.
Dom moved up the stairs, and sat down right by me.
"I know, I know. But it's alright if you are", he assured me, putting his arm around my shoulders. He knew I was terribly scared of that. "Just have a sip of water, Rue. If only to put my worries to rest"

He knew that would work. There was nothing else I wanted in this world.

Unwillingly, I took the bottle from his hand and drank a couple of sips. I could feel it travel down my throat to my stomach.

To my surprise, it didn't make me more nauseous. And then I had another sip, as I tried to get control over my breathing.

Dom sat quietly next to me, watching me with a concerned look on his face. Slowly, my body stopped shaking. But I was still overoccupied with routines from top to bottom.
And my heart was still pounding out of my chest.
"Will you tell me what's on your mind if I tell you what's on mine?", Dom calmly suggested, knowing that distracting me might get me out of my state. Hesitantly, I found myself nodding. We'd both been quiet since walking out from that hospital.
"I'm scared", he said, taking the lead. "For you. About how this will make you feel", he told me. I looked up from my fiddling hands and gazed at him. He was staring right out and onto the street. "And I'm scared about, eventually, becoming a dad"
This made a smile appear on my face in the midst of my routines.
"You're the most dad-person, or parent-person, I have ever known", I assured him, my voice quiet.
He cracked a laugh.
"What's that supposed to mean?", he asked me, looking at me.
I took a deep breath, trying to manage the nausea that came over me yet again.
"You don't like showing it, but you worry. You're very caring. As soon as you find out I like something, you buy tons of it. And you don't complain even when you should", I told him in between routines. He pulled me in, and kissed me on my temple. "And even if I tell you to not worry about me, you still do"
He smiled to the side.
"Y'know, there's this thing that Flo told me once", he mentioned.
"Mhm?"
He looked down.
"It was a couple of weeks before she died. You had just gone home, but I was staying the night. Right as you closed the door behind you she looked at me and said, y'know, when I'm not here anymore, I don't want you to put all your worries into Rue. Put the worries you have about me on yourself instead. Just put yourself first, every once in a while. And I promise I will worry about Rue for you", he said, his eyes watery from the memory. He tilted his head, looking at me.
"I couldn't agree more with her", I told him, my voice thin as a thread.

Though I was more close in mind, the routines and thoughts were still trying to keep me off the ground.

"So what are you thinking about?", Dom carefully asked me.
"Everything", I managed to say, as a flashback came before my eyes. My heart pounded harder.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to be a little more specific than that", he told me, trying to lighten my mood.
"That I'm glad you were with me", I forced out. "Because I don't want to think about what could've happened if you weren't", I continued, as I shifted in my seat and violently squeezed my eyes shut. "There's just a lot of thoughts... that I can't control. That I don't want to see"
The last word sounded like a cry.
I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks.
"And I can't help thinking that I ruined your birthday", I admitted, feeling ashamed to say it. Dom pulled me in closer.
"No", Dom said. "No, you haven't", he repeated. "If anything, you've made my world a little brighter. Because in the envelope in that bag there's a picture. I've never felt such joy about a picture. I thought I was going to burst into tears of happiness when I saw it, but I didn't. Because I could see how you were trying to keep it together"
I desperately wiped away the tears.
My heart felt as if it were beating out of my chest.
"What if I can't do this?", I whispered. "Even if I want to. What if this is how it's going to be from now on?", and I could hear my voice breaking as I said the last word.
It seemed that we were both worried about the same thing. But from different perspectives.
"I'm not going to leave you", Dom quietly told me, his voice warm and clear. He knew that I always went there, even if I tried not to. "Even if it's going to be like this. I'll be right here by your side, every step of the way. Because you're scared. And I'll do anything to make you less scared"

For the first time since he had put his arms around me, I let myself lean into his shoulder. He knew that was me letting him in.

"I'm sorry I always go there", I apologised to him. "Part of me is still convinced you're going to leave at some point", I added, as I finished routine after routine. He shook his head.
"You've got your reasons", he replied.
I was quiet for a moment, before I said the next thing.
"What if they turn out like me?", I quietly asked him, my voice devastated as I said the words. You could hear from miles away how frightened I was. I didn't wish myself on anyone.

While having it confirmed, the thought had grown in my mind. OCD was hereditary. Anxiety, too. Both my biological parents had had mental issues. I didn't why my mind on anyone. Least in the world on the life that was growing within me.

"Hey-", Dom said, repositioning himself so that he could look straight at me. "Darling, if that'll be the case, I'll still be here. And they'll have you, remember? You're the strongest person I know. You'll help them through it. You'll be the best mom on the planet"
His remark made me crack a laugh, and then I made myself smaller.
"Don't call me a mom", I told him, feeling distanced from the word. In truth, it scared me. "I don't feel like one"
In all honesty, I hadn't allowed myself to think about it yet.
Not fully.
Dom smiled to the side, noticing my behaviour.
"But you'll be one", he remarked. "Well, you kinda already are"
I looked down on my fiddling hands.
"Everything just feels so real suddenly", I quietly told him. "You being a dad - it's obvious. I just... can't see myself there, you know?", I continued to admit, looking up at him again.
As I met his eyes, I wanted to look away again.
But I didn't.
Dom held my hand tightly as he looked at me.
"That's okay. To be honest, I can't really see myself as a dad either", he told me, his voice honest and warm. "We're both scared. And... and we'll figure it out. We always do, Rue. We always do", he reassured me.
"I guess it's just part of the process", I hesitantly told him, as I leaned my head to rest on his shoulder. "Being scared and excited at the same time"
"Yeah", he replied, nodding ever so slightly as he took a deep breath.
We both looked out into the street.
"We're going to have a child", I quietly said as if it had just dawned on me, still not quite believing it. It almost sounded like a question.
Dom cracked a small laugh.
"We are. Yeah. A kid", he said, as he turned to me. I could see that his eyes were watering. He was smiling. "A literal child, Ruth"
I smiled back, and leaned in to kiss him.
Our foreheads touched as we breathed together.
"Our kid, Dominic"

—————
Hello, hello!
Well, I kind of disappeared for two months. I just kept on writing but somehow never got around to posting. So, yes, this is one of those chapters that's been sitting in my Google Drive for a while. All in all, that is what I wanted to do with this book — to find my love for writing again. Besides the wait, I do hope you enjoyed this chapter💛

How have you all been since I last updated? Enjoying the new year? I kind of always feel unsure starting a new year, because I don't know what's to come and I'm afraid I'm missing out on things. So far 2024 has proved to be both good and bad. And the bad I have learned from, so I guess that's positive too. One of the things I want to do this year is really try and not care what other people think, and try and put myself out there🫶

Uni's been good so far, and I'm really liking my courses this reading period. Only thing is that I've decided to take on a bit more outside of school, so I'm not sure how that's going to go. But in March, I am doing an internship as part of my studies. I'm really excited — I got it in January and it was such a relief, as well as I got such a good feeling from the interview. When they offered it to me I was literally jumping around in my apartment and smiling from ear to ear all day!🥳

Finally, I do hope you liked this chapter. I know that the pregnant trope is as much loved as it is hated, and as I've probably mentioned before, I love it. And therefore I love writing it. Therefore I hope it also is nice for you all to get to read from different times in Rue's life, to get an insight into how she grows as a person. How do you think the jump between time in chapters are working? 👀

Q of the Day: What are you hoping to do more this year?🌿
Me? Oh, like I said earlier — put myself out there more and do more of the things I love💕

With that said, I hope you have the lovelies of days. If you liked the chapter, please leave a vote and a like because it truly makes my day brighter. Hopefully I'll update a bit more often from now on! (ngl, I have like three finished chapters...)

Sincerely,
H

Published: 18th of February, 2024