[A/N: Hiya! Been working on this chapter over the holidays, while I was studying for my exam in Intellectual Property Law... which I took yesterday. Friday the 13th. I don't believe in superstition, but, yikes📚

Also, stick around for the authors note at the end! At the end of it there are some news❤️]

"Dom, Dom, Dooom-", I exclaimed as I was riding on the back of his bike, holding tightly onto his waist. "Slow down!"
He laughed.
He had spent all summer trying to get me to learn how to bike, but I still hadn't got it fully.
So, instead, he was giving me a ride home.
"Alright, alright-", he replied, slowing down a little. "We're like almost there though"
I held even tighter around him.
"I know!", I exclaimed. "Even more reason to slow down. Plus, you decided to be together with someone who doesn't like to go fast. Deal with it"
He laughed again, slowing down even more.
"Aaand we're here", he said, as he turned the corner and braked until we stood still right outside the staircase leading up to my apartment.
I hopped off.
"Finally back on solid ground", I told him jokingly, taking off the extra helmet he had brought with him for me. I instantly handed it to him. He rolled his eyes took it with one hand, and with the other he took my hand, pulling me in for a kiss.
He didn't mind the bandages on my hands from the week before. He already knew.
But he still held my hand delicately.
As if he was afraid he was going to hurt me.
"Someday I'll get you to bike with me, you know that right?", he told me, as he let go.
"I know. But not today!", I pointed out, smiling at him.
Vanessa came through the door, carrying a tote bag.
"Good, you're here!", she exclaimed as she saw us. "And hi Dom, thanks for bringing her home-", she told Dom, smiling and nodding towards him.
"My pleasure. But she still can't bike", he pointed out mischievously.
I rolled my eyes and poked my elbow in his side.
"I did go a few meters!", I protested.
"With me holding onto the bike", he added.
Vanessa laughed.
"Alright. Are you ready to go?", she said, holding up the car keys, making them rattle.

We were driving to Philadelphia to meet up with the very Lillian Ruth Leighton who seemed to have taken the picture in my frame.
The only picture I had of my biological family.
Vanessa had done some digging, and found her phone number three days ago.
Before she had decided to call her, she had checked that she seemed to be a good person.
Which meant no criminal record and a normal Facebook page.
Vanessa had called her up and presented herself and why she was calling her.
To all of our surprise, Lillian had been so excited to hear from us. And mostly to hear about me, as Vanessa had put it.
And she wanted to meet me.
So that's what we were doing.

"I guess", I told her, feeling slightly nervous about the trip. But I was also a little excited.
"It'll go great", Dom said, putting his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a small hug.
"Thanks", I quietly said. "You're coming tomorrow, right?"
"You know I'm coming tomorrow", he said, giggling. "Of course", he assured me once more.
"See you tomorrow, then", I said, feeling relieved.
We let go of each other, and I turned to Vanessa.
"Let's go", I said, sounding slightly anxious and hesitant. She smiled to the side, nodding at me.
"Bye Dom", she said to him, before he jumped on his bike to cycle back to his place.
"Bye!", he said, waving his hand as he headed off down the road. I waved back at him.

I jumped in the car and buckled myself in. Vanessa sat in the front, starting the car.
"So, what do you want to listen to?", Vanessa asked, as she hooked up her phone to the car's Bluetooth speakers. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't know", I said, looking out of the window.

The realization had officially hit me now.
I was going to see a person who seemed to have known me, but somehow stopped knowing me.
And I had no idea what she wanted.

"I'll put on something that we can sing along to. I mean, this is a road trip, isn't it?", she happily suggested, trying to get my mood up.
"Yeah- yeah, I guess", I replied, putting on a smile even though I was nervous.
"Let's go!", Vanessa said, as she turned up the volume slightly and started to sing along to Beyoncé. I started humming along as well, watching the houses move past as we started to drive out of New York City.
Still, the nervousness wouldn't let me bring my walls down.
I anxiously swallowed.
And I was only going to get more nervous as the two hour drive to Philadelphia went on.

"Aaand we're in Philly!", Vanessa announced, referring to the Welcome-sign at the right of the road, as we drove into the city.
My heart started to beat a little faster.
Because I didn't say anything, Vanessa turned to me.
"Hey, Niñita... what is it?", she asked me. I looked down at my lap, where I was tapping my hands in the pattern I liked. "You know, we can still call it off. I'm sure Lillian would understand"
To my surprise, I shook my head.
"No- no, it's not that", I said and paused for a little while. "V, what if she's like the journalist? Or, or, my Dad-"
"I don't know, Rue. All I know is that she has no criminal records, that she sounded happy to hear about you on the phone and that her Facebook is filled with pictures of her family. But there's always a chance she might be like them", Vanessa calmly responded to me, stating a logical argument. It was very typical of her to do that.
Still, the things she said hurt to hear.
Because it only confirmed the haunting thoughts I had.
"Then why hasn't she wanted me?", I suddenly found myself saying, as we pulled over into a parking spot. Vanessa looked at me and. stayed quiet for a second, and I could see it in her eyes that it must've been heartbreaking to hear that. Then she slowly started to speak.
"I don't know, Niñita. I think you'll have to ask her that yourself", she told me, putting her hand on mine and squeezed it tight.
I nodded.
She looked at me, waiting for me to be ready.
As if she was asking for consent.
I nodded again, taking a deep breath simultaneously.
"Okay, Rue. You see that cafe over there? That's where we're gonna meet her. It's supposed to be kinda quiet, and I saw some things on the menu that I knew you'd like. And remember, I'll be there, right next to you, during it all. Just tell me when you want to go, and we'll get out of there", she told me caringly. I slowly nodded. She glanced at the clock. "I mean, we're a little early. We could go and stand outside and wait for her if you want to?"
I looked at the coffee shop.
It seemed nice.
And there wasn't too many people inside.
"I guess"

We went and stopped outside the entrance.
Soon, a woman in her seventies came walking towards us with a bright smile on her face, waving her right hand at us in recognition. In her left hand she was holding a leash, as she was walking a black Labrador with a bright red collar.

My heart started to pound.
And in another way I was calm.
There was something in her face that felt familiar.
Even safe.

"Hi!", she exclaimed calmly. "Vanessa, hi!", she said, taking Vanessa's hand and shaking it. She then turned to me. "And hi Ruth! I can't believe it's you-", she said, probably wanting to hug me, but I held out my hand and she shook it willingly.
"H-hi Lillian", I said, a little hesitant.
"God, I recognised you right as I saw you. You look just like you did when you were younger. Only a little more grown up", she said, beaming at me.
"Th-thanks", I said, feeling nervous.
Vanessa squeezed my hand.
"And who's this?", Vanessa asked, petting the dog behind its ear.
"This is Billie! She's very friendly and calm. You said you had a dog at home, so I thought I could bring her-", Lillian explained.
"Yeah, our dog Tobi", Vanessa said, smiling at her. "Should we go in?"
"Yes, yes, of course- I'll be thankful for some air conditioning", Lillian pointed out, laughing a little.
She started going inside, and we followed her.
As we ordered, Vanessa made small talk as I stayed quiet, realizing that I really didn't know what to say.
"Hey, Rue-Rue, what do you want?", Vanessa quietly asked.
"Just a mozzarella and tomato sandwich, please", I told her, going for the most basic item on the menu I could find, knowing that it would be the easiest for me to eat.
"Right", she said, and repeated my order over the counter, adding a peach iced tea for me.

We sat down at a table right by the window looking out over the street.
"They've got the best sandwiches in the city here", Lillian said, as she sat down opposite us. Her dog, Billie, laid down on the floor, probably just as happy about the air conditioning as we were.
"Do you go here often?", I asked, suddenly not feeling as overwhelmed anymore.
I forced myself to take a bite of the sandwich.
"About once a week. Me and my friends usually come here for our book and sewing club", she happily told me, cutting up her baguette, and taking a bite. "But now you'll have to tell me all about you, Ruth! I haven't seen you since your third birthday!"
I smiled a little.
"Oh, um. I don't know", I hesitantly began to say. "I- I guess, I'm fifteen. I just finished my first year of high school. I like sewing too", I said, trying to keep myself together by tapping underneath the table.
"Gosh, I remember being 15-"

And that's how the conversation went for a while.
They finished their sandwiches.
Drank their coffees.
I had barely eaten half of my sandwich.
But I couldn't bring myself to have another bite of the food in front of me.
And the tea I had only sipped a little of.

I didn't even recognise her.
She seemed so bubbly, so full of energy.
So easy, in a way.

She had even recognised me.

It only made me wonder more.

Because she had my name.
She literally had my name, or the name I once had.

They would've called her.
When they took me away.
They must've asked her to take me in.
And, as it seemed, she must've said no.

Maybe it would've been easier if she was mean, or quiet, or angry at me.
But somehow this was worth.
This showed how my life could've been.
She just seemed normal.
If only she had been like them.
If only there was a reason for her to not have taken care of me.

"God, you're so grown up. I never thought I'd see Robbie again, but you look just like him-", and with that I tensed up.
I look just like him, I repeated in my mind.
I couldn't decide whether I wanted to hear that or not, because in some way it made me feel reassured.
I looked down at my food.
"I'm sorry if I said something wrong, I know he wasn't the best person-", Lillian said, and she did sound sorry.
Vanessa began to say something, but I cut her off before she'd even got her first word out.
"It's just that I don't remember you. And you seem to know so much about me, or my life, before I can remember it"
Lillian didn't hesitate to answer.
"What do you want to know?", she kindly asked me in return, smiling in a small way because she saw the things in my eyes that I was so desperate to know.
"Who are you to me?", I asked her quietly, unable to keep my eyes off of her weirdly familiar face.
"That's a hard one to answer- In a way I'm your grandma, but not by blood", she said, looking at me.
My thoughts stopped for a second.

Grandma.

I have another grandma than the idea of a grandma I already had.
"You see, I was married to Robbie and J...", she paused for a second, trailing off before she said his name. As if she knew what he had done.
"I was married to Robbie's Dad, your grandfather Edward, or Eddie, from when Robbie was about 4 years old. Eddie was a bit older than me, but I loved him very much. I also loved his children as if they were my own. His previous wife, their mother, had died unexpectedly when Robbie was just a few months-"
She looked at me.
I must've looked terrified, stressed even.
Or maybe there was something in Vanessa's eyes that told her something was wrong.
"Should I go on? Because I can stop-", she suggested, but I just shook my head.
"Go on", I told her.
Vanessa kept a close eye on me.
Lillian continued.
"I don't know why, but none of them seemed to find peace as they grew older. I always seemed to connect better with Robbie, but you know how that went. And, Jonathan-", she said, but then she cut herself off. I stopped breathing as she said his name. Vanessa seemed to look at me, worriedly, as she squeezed my hand tightly. "Shoot. I wasn't supposed to mention him, I know-"
I shook my head.
Again.
"He... he was there too. He's part of it", I quietly said, pointing out the obvious, as I anxiously swallowed. "Even though I wish he wasn't"
Vanessa kept looking at me.
But I think she looked at me proudly after I said that. Still worried, though proud.
Beaming, in a way.
"I heard what he did. They phoned me up, asking me about him, and I- I didn't know what to say. I had no idea he had done it to you, they just said that there was a girl, I mean I'm not related to you so...", Lillian said, her voice breaking. "And when your Vanessa here told me over the phone, I- I was shocked. It feels like I should've been there, to make you safe-"
I put on a smile, sort of to get through the pain of seeing someone so hurt because of me. And so that I wouldn't go back there.
Because there was always a chance I would.
I brought my hand over the table, and took hers. I squeezed it.
"It's alright", I said, accepting it as I had accepted my fate. "It is what it is"
She looked at me.
"Can I at least explain myself?", she asked me. "And I'm sorry, but I'll have to mention Jonathan-"
I nodded, because there was something missing. There was something that didn't make sense. And Lillian sensed that too.

Why would she say she wanted to protect me even if she did nothing to prevent everything from happening?

"Just a few weeks after you were born, your grandfather died. He was old, much older than me, and life hadn't been kind to him. It was really hard on Robbie. I don't think he knew how to react, being both happy for you... and sad about his father at the same time", she began to explain, looking down at her food, just like I had done at the beginning of this conversation.
"But Jonathan was just so angry, and he cut me off completely. He blamed me for Eddie's passing, from having hired the wrong doctors to being out for his money. Which in hindsight was funny, because he barely had a penny to his name. But Robbie stayed, or as much as he could... he wasn't in the best shape, but at least he didn't blame me. At least at first", she paused.
Looked at me.
Her eyes were sad.
I supposed life hadn't been kind to her either.
"When Robbie said they named you after me, I was honoured. I took it as a thank you, in a way. Our relationship had always been on the good side. I loved him, he was my kid. I hated that he drank so much, but he always listened to me when I said enough. But after Eddie's passing it went downhill. Maybe it was Jonathan's influence, or maybe he just saw me in another way... I don't know", she continued to describe, taking a sip of water. Thinking back to it, she seemed devastated.
"I met a new man just a year later. I hadn't planned too, but... He was kind, and I liked him, and soon he invited me to come to see him here in Philly. That's who I was supposed to send the picture of you and your parents to-", she continued to explain.
Any person watching from afar could see that these memories were haunting her, and on the verge of hurting her as well.
"I don't know how, but Jonathan found the picture and the note and showed it to Robbie. They were both angry, but Robbie was furious. He said he couldn't believe me. After everything his dad had done for me. And how he had been stupid for not believing what Jonathan had saying all this time, ever since I showed up in their lives", she continued, putting word after word slowly.
She looked at me, looking as if she was in pain.
"That's when he cut the ties too and forbade me from seeing you", she concluded. "And I had no actual ties to you, so I couldn't do anything about it. I tried to show up with my new husband a year later, on your birthday, but it just made matters worse-"
I anxiously swallowed.
"I'm sorry", Lillian continued. "I really am, I- If I would've had the money for lawyers I would've fought for you. But I wasn't even informed about Robbie's death, and when I found out they said you had already been placed with a family, I just assumed you were with Sophie"
It was as if she had gotten out of breath.
Out of words.
"I'm sorry", she repeated, sounding as if she was in pain.

I didn't really know what to say.
Within me, there were a mix of angry, sad and happy emotions. I couldn't seem to decide .
In a way, it was as if a weight had been lifted off of my chest.
In another way, it was as if it had only been replaced by these new explanations of my childhood.
And the what ifs.
The imaginary world of what my life could've been was real.
It could've been with her.
It could've been real.

"Th-thank you for telling me", I quietly told her, trying to ignore the haunting thoughts spiralling in my mind.
"I owed you that", Lillian replied, smiling softly, seemingly still affected by the story she had just told.
I looked at Vanessa, who had stayed quiet through the whole thing. She seemed slightly taken by it, as she kept a worried eye on me and my routines. Still, there was a hint in her eyes that told me she was proud.

I glanced out the window.
And then let my eyes stay at the world outside.
The mid day had turned into the afternoon.

There was one more question I wanted to ask.
But I didn't think it was my place.

We talked a little more.
She was lovely.
She was the person I was named after.
But there was so much more about her that just made me feel welcome.
Her bright smile, her energetic expressions, her kind phrasings, her warming voice and inviting personality.

I couldn't help but long, just for a second, for the life I would've had with her.
But in that case, I wouldn't live the life I do now.
And I wouldn't want that.
But still.
What if?

After a few minutes, Vanessa looked at her phone to check the time. We had been at the cafe for around an hour.
"It's been great, but I think it's time for us to head back, Lillian-", Vanessa said, looking at me to get my attention. I nodded.
"Of course, of course, it's a bit of a drive-", Lillian said, smiling, as she stood up and woke up Billie, who seemed to have fallen asleep on the floor by the table. She instantly wagged her tail, excited to go for a walk. "You old girl, you've still got energy, don't you-", she said, as she petted the dog, laughing.

As we headed outside again, Vanessa asked that very question that had been waiting in the back of my mind.
"Lillian, do you have any information about Rue's mother, Sophie? I heard you mention her earlier, and I thought it might be worth a shot. We haven't been able to find anything on her", Vanessa explained, holding my hand as we walked out the door.
"Sorry, but I haven't seen her since I took that picture", Lillian earnestly answered, shaking her head.
"Alright, then we'll just keep looking", Vanessa told her.

Somehow the little small spark of hope I had managed to get inside of me quickly wilted.
I even got disappointed.
I had gotten so many answers today, and yet that one stayed unanswered.
Even so I got disappointed in myself for feeling like that.
It felt ungrateful.
Even though I knew it wasn't.
But, still.
I had a family.
I had people that cared about me.
And yet I cared about her.
The person who was my mother, and who I had barely seen growing up.
Why did it have to be so complex?

"Well then, it's been great to see you Lillian", Vanessa said, quickly hugging Lillian. "And you too, Billie", she added as she petted the dog, making its tail wag with excitement.
I went on to hug Lillian, as well.
"Thank you for agreeing to see me", I quietly told her, because even though her stories had made me overwhelmed and more confused, I was still thankful. At least I didn't have to wonder anymore.
"No, Ruth, thank you for agreeing to see me. It's not every day you get to reunite with my granddaughter", Lillian said, embracing me tightly.
As we let go, she took my hand.
She didn't seem to mind the bandages that I still had to wear, so that the cuts from a week ago wouldn't reopen.
"And I want you to know that I don't want to take you away from your family. I see that you're being treated well, and that they love you. But I would like to see you, every now and then, if you'd like that as well?", she quietly and kindly asked me.
"I... I guess. Some time. Yeah", I replied, smiling to the side. She beamed at me.
"Just tell me when"

We said our goodbyes, and we walked away in separate directions.
Vanessa put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me tightly.
"I'd say that went pretty good, didn't it?", she told me.
"I guess", I said, smiling at her. Then I felt a hint of sadness wash over me. "It... it's just that as soon as I get answers, new questions pop up", I said, leaning onto her.
Vanessa nodded, rubbing her hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Rue-Rue. Life's full of questions", she started to say.
"I know", I told her, but I still sounded disappointed. Sad, even.
"And I'm sorry that you seemed to have gotten more than most people", she continued to explain, sounding collected and calm as she continued to reassure me. "But we'll just keep asking them until you get your answers. Okay?"
I nodded, and she embraced me.
That made me feel safe.
We stood by the car.
In the midst of the hug, I asked another question, my voice breaking as I uttered the words.
"What if I had ended up with her?", I said, feeling the tears dwell up behind my eyes. "Then all of this wouldn't have happened"
"Oh Niñita-", Vanessa said, and let go of me, while looking me straight in the eyes. "It's okay to think like that", she continued. "It's okay", she repeated, and pulled me in for another hug, rubbing my back as I leant my head against her chest, crying.

And she let me cry it out, just holding me safely right by the car. For as long as I needed.

As I tried to wipe my tears away, feeling a bit better, she softly smiled at me.
"Let's go back, eh?", she asked me.
I nodded, again.
"Yeah...", I said, wiping my last tear. "Yeah"

—————
Hello!
Bit of an emotional chapter💛 And one that explains a lot to me, to you, to Vanessa and our Rue🍃

As I said in the beginning, I wrote this while studying for my exam in intellectual property law. It's not the favourite subject I've taken a class in, but I actually find it sort of interesting😌 Plus, I think it's important for my future career - so it had to be done!🎨 Now I just have to pass, haha! But I think I did, so I hope I actually did🥰

I got back to uni last Sunday, so I was back in my hometown for about three weeks. In a way it was really needed, and I enjoyed being surrounded with family again. Although, I wasn't feeling my best all of the time. I'm still glad I went home though, and I felt really homesick the first few days back at Uni🙃

So now I'm just trying to get back into the routines of living alone. The thing about uni is that it's both so lonely and so not lonely at times. Which is why I'm excited about this new period of courses, because I'll have much more scheduled things at school☺️ I guess I like consistency, haha!

I'm also excited about the fact that the student choir is doing a Musical themed concert this spring! I was actually looking through the folder the other day and I saw both Seasons of Love, The Story of Tonight and You Will Be Found. Honestly squealed with happiness🎉 And I applied and interviewed for a student driven project that'll take place this spring🎨 I'm hoping to get a spot as a creator, which means everything from designing the graphic profile of the event to designing the smallest of things🥰 I think I'll feel good about having something to do, as well. I need a bit of confidence, too. In a way, I know I'm good. I know I work hard. I know I always try my best. Still I'm scared people will dislike me, or that maybe they'll find out that it's not true... I don't know. Imposter syndrome is real, haha. Well, hopefully I'll get to do it!💌 (And to be honest, it'll look great on my resume😂)

To finish, I wanted to say that I recently started watching the third season of His Dark Materials. And I was reminded, again, of how good it is! I was also reminded of Lyra and Will, and somehow that is how I picture the two of Rue and Dom. It's even who I pictured when I drew my little portraits last summer, if you remember them🌼

Q of the Day: Do you see or picture anyone special (besides the real people) when you're reading my story?👀

Me? Yeah - I have like a cast sheet on my phone haha. It helps me write in a way. Rue has always been a little bit like Chloe Grace Moretz, but in recent years she has also reminded me about Dafne Keen. And ever since I saw Amur Wilson, I thought he looked like Dom🙈

All in all, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and all the answers that came with it💛
I'm sorry to break it to you, but we really are on the last steps of this story. I know I've said it a lot over the last couple of chapters, but it really is. I've had so many loose ends for it to end, but I've tied most (and I think all) of them together now🌼

So, the next chapter might be the last. Or the second last. Depends on how much I have to say in that last chapter. I haven't decided yet. Maybe I'm not ready to let go, haha💌
(There will be an epilogue after the last chapter. Don't you worry❤️)

If you liked the chapter, please leave a vote and comment. It truly makes my day🥰

Have the loveliest of days,
H

Published: 14th of January, 2023.