[A/N: Quite a long chapter this time. Hope you'll like it! But - first and foremost, there are a few trigger warnings for this one : mentorns of anxiety, panic attack, blood, throwing up, self h*rm and su*cide. Please don't read if any of that makes you feel triggered. Alright?❤️]

It was only a few days later,  and the preparations for the move were truly happening now. Lin was off with Sebastian at the doctor, just to make sure that everything was alright with Seb before the flight. Vanessa and I had began packing my things. There wasn't too much to pack to be honest, considering that we were moving into a fully furnished place and that we were only going to be there for less than a year. In that way, it didn't make sense to pack every little thing.
But I needed the continuity. And Vanessa and Lin knew that packing my things were going to take the longest, even though I had the least amount of things.
So there I was, slowly but surely packing clothing and other knickknacks into suitcases.
"Niñita, I was thinking about packing your bedsheets in this box as well. Could you go and get them from the cabinet in the hallway?", Vanessa calmly asked me, knowing that I liked to know where things was.
"Sure", I replied, and stood up, walking out of the room. Unconsciously, I held my breath at that spot where I had been unconscious just a few months ago. It still sent shivers down my spine and made my entire being feel uneasy.

I stopped at the cabinet and pulled out my sheets, two patterned ones that I had picked out just after moving in.

I turned back around, held my breath, and walked into my room at the end of the hallway again.
Vanessa was standing up now, halfway into my wardrobe, to be able to get my shirts out.
"Here you go", I told her, as I put them into their designated place in the box.
"Rue?", Vanessa asked for my attention, sounding soft and gentle.
"Mm?", I asked her as I looked up, wondering what she meant. But I quickly fell quiet.
My eyes locked for a second at the frame she was holding.
The glass was broken. The frame was old and worn out. We almost looked happy in the picture. My Dad looked sober, and there was even a little smile on her face. My Mom looked as if she wasn't really there, and there was a smile on her face as well. But she looked strained. And I was just a toddler, not even two years old. Probably around Sebastian's age. I anxiously swallowed, suddenly feeling the shame and guilt wash over me. My heart started to beat faster. I hadn't looked at it for months.
In slight shock, I desperately looked down.
"I just found this, I thought maybe you'd-", she said as I processed the picture in my head. I cut her off, in pure panic.
"S-sorry, you... you weren't supposed to see it, I... I'll throw it away, I- I don't want it anymore", I defensively said, grabbing the picture from her and pushing it against my body, so that she wouldn't have to see it. Or maybe to keep it close to me.
"Niñita, hey- hey, look at me", she said, searching for my eyes. Though my unwillingness, she quickly locked eyes with me. "I can see that you don't want to throw it away", she began to say. "And I'm sorry I found it. But you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it from us. It's yours and it's a memory for you. So please don't feel like you have to throw it away because of us"
I squinted my eyes closed, and felt the tears coming in.
"Sorry- I... I don't want to throw it away", I whispered, my voice breaking. I looked away, feeling slightly ashamed of myself.
"I see that, Rue-Rue", Vanessa said, putting her arms around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. "I see you"
I slowly let myself lean into her.
"I think we have a spare frame, if you want to put the picture into a new one?", she hesitantly asked me, and before I knew it, I was nodding.
"Yeah... I'd like that", I quietly replied. Vanessa let go and nodded at me.
"I'll go get it then", she said, hurriedly walking away.

I stood still, still holding the picture tightly.
Not really daring to move. Just keeping it close to me. Afraid to lose it.

"I think this will work-", Vanessa announced as she came back, holding a black frame in her hand. "Let's see", she said, telling me to hold out the picture to compare and see whether it would fit.
I did it quickly, far too quickly, because I forgot that the glass was broken and suddenly one of the shards cut the palm of my hand.
It stung worse than I thought it would, and in reaction to the pain I dropped the frame, making the glass shatter even more.
It's not right.
The feeling washed over me.
And then that feeling turned into a must.
"No, no, no, no-", I found myself saying, seeing that there was blood on the picture now. I quickly bent over to pick it up, but realised only when I was picking the pieces together that the weight had shifted within me. The cut on my right hand was pulsing with sudden pain, and my left hand was untouched.
Before I knew it, I had picked up one shard of the glass and slid it through the left hand's palm, in the exact same place.
"RUE-", Vanessa panically exclaimed, sounding scared as she grabbed my hands and pulled them apart before I could finish the cut. I suddenly realized what I was doing and dropped what I was holding once again, backing away. I was scared now.
Vanessa followed after me, trying to get in touch with me. My eyes were big, staring into nothing as the adrenaline rush came in. And then slowly left my body.
"I-I... I-", I stuttered, feeling how I started to shake. Unable to say anything, really.
"It's alright Rue, it's alright. Just breathe with me", Vanessa said, looking straight at me. She was holding my hands, pressing at the wounds with some sort of paper towel she'd found on my desk. She breathed in, not breaking eye contact, I followed her lead and took a breath together with her, trying to focus on the motion rather than the millions of thoughts in my head. I couldn't seem to piece together the pieces, unable to realize what I had actually done. We breathed out.
"Rue-Rue, let's go to the bathroom and clean this up", Vanessa carefully told me, not trying to make me more alert than I already was.
I nodded, just a little, and she led me to the bathroom. I was still zoned out, but reality was slowly kicking in.

"This will sting a little", Vanessa calmly said, waiting for my reply before she would start to clean the wounds that were dripping blood all over the sink. She never did anything to me without asking.
I nodded.
She started.
It stung.
Of course it did.
It was like a small ritual at this point, of which I knew every single step.
I'd hurt myself, deliberately or more unconsciously, and they'd help to clean up.
Like always, they reassured me that it was okay. Still I felt just as ashamed as I always did afterwards. Because I knew it actually wasn't okay. And that it hurt them to see me like this.

Suddenly, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me, as I watched the large amount of blood covering the sink, half of it dissolved in water.

I started cold sweating, my body unable to make up its mind, only confusing my mind even further.

I looked away in fear of throwing up, turned my head over my shoulder, only to see the blood that had dropped on the floor.

I squinted my eyes closed, only to be reminded of all the thoughts and routines piling up on me.

It's all your fault.

I couldn't get away from it.
Vanessa stopped as she realized that I was distancing myself from everything.
"Niñita?", she said, wondering what was going on. I shook my head, just wanting to get away from it all.
This was new.
It had slowly crept up on me in the last few weeks.
The attacks and periods of severe anxiety had become fewer, but somehow worse.
And the nausea was part of that.
It made me want to remove myself from the situation completely.
And the attack usually didn't last this long.
I usually didn't shake this much afterwards.
Usually I was fine after doing something like that.

Usually I would be fine.

Why wasn't I fine?

"Rue? Please, talk to me-", Vanessa said, trying to contact me, but I could barely hear her. In truth, she didn't know what was going on.
I opened my eyes, the panic inside of them so distinctive that no one would miss it.

She was panicking too, now.
I could sense that.
This was all new to her as well.
And it was just as scary watching me.

The world started spinning and I felt as if I was losing my grip, and so I pulled my hands away from Vanessa and grabbed the sink as my legs turned into jelly.
What if I didn't make it out this time?

I looked at myself in the mirror and a flashback took over my mind out of the blue.
It was all too similar.
Too similar to that horrible night.
Too similar to me standing there, ready to do the unthinkable without realizing it.
It only caught up with me now.

The front door closed loudly.
"We're back!", I could hear Lin announce, but as if it was miles away from where I was and not just down the hall.
"Lin, can you come to the bathroom for a second-", Vanessa yelled worriedly, but quiet enough so I wouldn't get more alarmed than I already was. "Hey, Rue, let's sit down", she whispered, and hesitantly but decidedly pushed me down so that I was sitting on the bathtub.

Once again.
All in the same spot.
The pills were the only thing missing.

I held onto the edge with my right hand, the grip pushing on my palm, the cut pumping in pain. I squinted my eyes closed, putting up my right hand, and pulling it through my hair and putting behind my ear, because it kept coming forward.

I started twitching as the pictures of that night came flashing before my eyes.
But there was one thing different.
Vanessa was sitting next to me, holding me still so that I wouldn't fall down.
And I wasn't alone.
Why was that so hard to see?

I'm not there, I told myself. I'm not there.

"V-", Lin said just as he walked inside, only to quiet down when he saw the state of me.
I squinted my eyes closed, harder than ever before, and swallowed anxiously. The world couldn't seem to stop spinning.

But then I only saw the pills in my hands.

And I wasn't aware of what I was doing.
"No!", Lin suddenly exclaimed, sounding desperate as he grabbed my two hands and pulled them apart. "No. You are not doing that. You are not doing that", he strictly repeated, trying to stay calm though he was clearly slightly panicked.
It had been almost automatic, they way that I had gotten completely ready to scratch my wrists.
I started violently twisting in my seat, trying to get away from everything. Vanessa had one arm around my back and shoulder, trying to steady me as Lin held a tight grip around my wrists.
"Shhh, Rue- It's okay. It's okay", Vanessa said, pulling me in, embracing me though I tried desperately to pull away, still convinced that I was somewhere else. And they weren't sure if they could handle this situation.
"I don't want to, I don't want-", I found myself saying, as the world around me slowly fell into itself and I somehow saw the empty bottle falling out of my hands.
"What is it that you don't want to do, Rue?", Lin asked me, but I couldn't verbalize my thoughts or an answer. "Please, Rue-"
Just milliseconds later, I slipped off the edge of the bathtub and onto the floor due to my desperate efforts of breaking free.
During the sudden motion, I hit the back of my head on the metal of the bathtub's edge, making me winch and quietly cry in pain.
Lin gasped.
"RUE", Vanessa exclaimed, her voice high and squeaky, as she saw what happened before her eyes, making her try to prevent it. Maybe it was a cry of panic, realizing that she couldn't protect my head.
Suddenly her hand was behind my head, checking so that it hadn't started a bleed.
It hadn't.

But it hurt.
And the world was spinning in two different ways now.

Somehow the floor felt better.
Maybe because I had gotten away from the spot where I had been sitting those few months ago.
But the relief didn't last very long.
Lin tried to get eye contact with me, but I was just blinking and blinking and blinking.
He still had a grip around my wrists.
The nausea just got worse and worse.
The one thing that I tried so hard to avoid.
And the routines didn't work.
I was still doing something wrong.
Why couldn't I do anything right?

"Let go-", I said, my voice shaky but demanding.
Lin shook his head.
"No, I'm not letting go. Not when you are feeling like this", he said, also shaky and demanding. And I knew he would say that, because he was worried for me. Just like Vanessa.
And they didn't want me to hurt myself.
"Please just let go of me", I cried, my voice breaking as the words got thrown out from my lungs. I twisted my body, throwing myself from side to side, only to realize that I was stuck. "I don't want to- I don't want to", I repeated, not really knowing what to do.
And I knew the feeling was temporary.
But still it felt never ending.
"No, Niñita, we're not letting go of you. We don't want you to get hurt", Vanessa calmly said, sitting next to me. Her left hand was behind my head, and the other around my shoulders.
"Let go-", I uttered. I felt a wave of nausea coming in, washing over me. "Let go, let go, let go!", I sounded defeated, as the world continued to spin and change in and out on itself.
"Rue-", Lin started to say, but I somehow twisted around in one motion, which made him lose grip of my wrists.
"I don't feel well", I panically whispered as I turned around, only to find myself leaning over the bathtub edge, throwing up.
Vanessa quickly quickly grabbed my bloody hair, putting her hand on my shoulder.
"It's okay", she said. "It's okay"
Throwing up took every last bit of energy that I had, as my body continued to shake out of exhaustion. My heart was still beating too fast.
"I hate this", I uttered, squinting my eyes closed again. "I hate this", I repeated, almost whispering, right before I threw up one last time.

Then, I let my head rest on the edge of the bathtub. Exhausted. My mouth tasted of sick, but I didn't have the energy to do anything about it.
At least the nausea was gone.

But I was still blinking.
Even though I was doing it slowly.
I couldn't seem to stop.
The cold sweat had stopped, and instead I was just freezing now.

"Do you want to stay here?", Vanessa quietly and gently asked me after a while of me just staying still.
I slowly shook my head.
"Okay. I still have to clean your hands. Can I do that?", she asked me. She looked like she really didn't want to ask me that.
I nodded, because I knew it had to be done.
And so I let them put me down on the floor like a rag doll, because even though I tried to help, it seemed like the attack had scrunched out the last drop of energy from me.
As if I wasn't really there.
Just accepting.
But I was there.
Because I knew I never wanted to do that again.

A few hours later, I awoke in my bed.
It was never as dramatic as it sounded.
Vanessa was stroking hand on my back, trying to wake me up.
"Hi Rue-Rue", she softly said.
"Hi", I said, after squeezing my eyes closed and stretching out my legs from having slept all curled up.
"I'm sorry to wake you, but there's dinner in about 30 minutes", she kindly told me. I slowly nodded, feeling a little disoriented. I glanced at my hands. They were all patched up with bandages and plasters.
"I-", I began to say, ready to apologize, but Vanessa shushed me gently.
"We'll talk about it some other day. Are you feeling better?", she asked me instead.
I nodded, again.
"Yeah. A- a little", I managed to say, my voice raspy since I hadn't talked in a few hours.
"That's good", she said, and kissed the top of my head. "I'll come get you when it's done so you can wake up a little more"
"Okay", I replied, looking over at my nightstand to see what time it was, only to discover that the picture was standing there. The broken glass and worn out frame had been replaced by a new one, and somehow they had managed to get the blood stain out.
"Lin managed to clean the picture, so I went ahead and changed it. Is it alright?", she asked me, a little hesitant. I nodded, a little weirded out by seeing it in a new frame.
"I also saw a little note on the back of the photo, so I took a picture of it for you before putting it back into a frame-", she began to say, as she pulled up her phone from her jeans' backpocket. I sat up. "Here you go", she said, holding it for me.
I carefully started reading it.

I just got these developed! Little Ruth's second birthday. We had a party! She loved the caterpillar cake I made for her. Sophie came by for the first time in months. Robbie didn't drink. He was so happy that Sophie was there. I'll bring more pictures when I come and see you in Philly in a few weeks.

I furrowed my eyebrows, not able to put the pieces together. A bunch of new questions arose in my head.
I'd been so happy to own a picture of the three of us, that I had forgotten to think of who had taken it. And who had written this message.
"What- who?", I said, sounding confused. "Who wrote this? This can't be Jonathan-", but with that name I fell quiet. I hadn't said his name casually in a conversation before. I had barely mentioned or thought of his name at all.
And this couldn't be him.
"There was a name signed at the end, here-", Vanessa said, changing pictures.
And there was a name.

Yours,
Lillian Ruth Leighton
April 5th 2003

I furrowed my eyebrows even further.
She had my name.
Or maybe I had hers.
"I don't know who that is", I quietly said.
Vanessa looked at me.
"Well, we can try to look her up? If you want?", she said.
"I... I guess", I told her.
"We'll see if we can find her then, Niñita", she said, hugging me quickly before standing up. "And Dom called you, so I told him that you weren't feeling well, I hope it's okay I picked up-"
"Thank you, V. I'll call him back", I thanked her, because I knew he'd only gotten worried if I hadn't picked up at all. And I knew she wouldn't tell him anything that I wasn't comfortable with.
She nodded at me, and walked out to the kitchen. I picked up my phone and started to call Dom.
He replied within a couple of tones.
"Heya", he said, and I found myself smiling at the sound of his voice.
"Hi", I said quietly. "Sorry I couldn't pick up earlier. So I thought I could call you back?"
He cracked a laugh.
"You can always call", he said. "Vanessa said you weren't feeling well?", he asked, a little hesitant.
"Just a bad day", I said. And it had been a truly awful day for the most part.
"How bad?", he asked, knowing I rarely told the entire story if not being asked to. And I was working on that.
"Do you really wanna know?", I asked him, unsure of what he was going to say.
"Yeah. If you want to tell me", he told me. I smiled. And then I didn't.
I paused for a second, not knowing how to begin. Because I didn't really understand it.
And I guess that was a starting point.
"So I had a new thing happen. Like, new even for my mind. I mean, it's been going on for a while, but like, I actually saw that something was happening. Apparently I now get nauseous during a panic attack", I said. "And I hate being nauseous so it's not the most convenient thing", I said, letting out a laugh though I was terrified. To be honest, I was biting my lip, as my hand was trembling from trying to hold back emotions.
"Rue, don't laugh if you don't want to. I can hear when you force it out, because you sound just like me when I'm trying to cover up something-", he said calmly.
"Yeah, I know", I said, my voice breaking.
"I know too", he said.
"I cut my hand", I said shakingly. "Because I accidentally cut the other and it wasn't right", I continued, leaning against the wall as I sat on my bed with the duvet still over me.
He stayed quiet on the other side of the line.
"Okay", he said, taking it in.
"And the scary part is that I didn't even know I was doing it until I had done it. I think that's what freaked me out. And then the spiral just continued until I literally threw up from the anxiety", I said, going a bit faster than I thought I would. I left out the part about reliving that night. Maybe I thought that it was better to tell Vanessa and Lin first. "And after that I passed out"
"A bad day", he said, his voice gentle.
"Yeah. A really shitty one", I told him. "Did you have a bad or good day?"
He chuckled.
"Something in between, I guess", he started to say. Then he changed, as if he had caught himself doing the exact same as I had. "No, a bad one, actually"
I looked out of the window. The sun was going down. I didn't hesitate to ask him the same thing he had asked me.
"What happened?"

I spoke with Dom until dinner.
Flo had been supposed to go home for the day.
Just for a few hours.
But, as Dom had gone to get Ariel and then headed to the hospital to meet up with Flo and his parents, his Dad had called saying that it wasn't going to happen.
Flo had suddenly gotten really bad.
A flare up, he said. Infection. They didn't know what type yet.
In his words, it wasn't pretty.
I said I'm sorry.
Don't be, he said.
I stayed quiet.
It's alright, I said. I'm still sorry.
Then he stayed quiet for a while.
Thank you, he told me, his voice breaking.
In the background I could hear his Mom walking around, fixing things. Then, she called for him.
I should probably go, he told me.
I replied, saying I should too.
And that was it.
And it was enough.

Later that evening, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully brushing my teeth. I counted every second, so that it would match up with the two minutes I had in mind. It also kept my mind off of what had happened there earlier.
I spat out and wiped my mouth.
As I walked out the door, Vanessa met me.
"Are you going to bed or staying up?", she asked me with a smile on her face. She was carrying her bathrobe and pajamas in her hands.
"Probably going to try to sleep", I said, trying to be honest with her because I knew I could only try to sleep on an evening like this.
She nodded.
"Alright, I'll have a quick shower and come say goodnight to you after, if that's alright?", she asked me, and I nodded. "Or Lin will. Seb woke up and was being a bit fussy, so it depends how long that'll take", she continued to tell me.
"Okay", I said, and walked out into the hallway as she walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
As I began to walk the hallway, I suddenly felt myself stopping at the very spot where I had passed out and where they had found me, for what seemed like ages ago.

In one way or another I hadn't stopped reliving that night.

I swallowed anxiously, feeling as if those flashbacks today must've meant something.
I still couldn't breathe, as if I was too scared to take a deep breath in the spot where I had almost stopped breathing.
Yet I had to breathe.
I took a step forward, feeling the sensation of uncertainty creeping up on me.

I stood there for a second, skipping for air, before I leant against the wall and glided down.
I pulled my legs up, putting my hands around my knees and holding tightly as the world grew louder.
I don't know why or how I got there, but suddenly I was sitting there in that very same place, trying to make myself be able to breathe again.

It didn't go well.

I was breathing, but it was as if the air wasn't going down to my lungs.
The short breaths weren't enough.
A slight panic hit me, and I wanted to get out of there and escape from the uneasy feeling.

Still, I sat still.

Because what if what happened earlier would happen again if I only continued to avoid these once familiar places?

There was just too much space to think.
And not enough to breathe.

I was tapping.
Blinking.
Counting.
Then why wasn't I breathing?

I closed my eyes, trying to take long and deep breaths, but it just made them shorter.
And then slowly, they got longer.
But not much.
And then they seemed to almost be normal.
I opened my eyes.
And felt the calmness hit me.
I was still here.
A crescendo and then a piano.
But you could still hear the music playing.
"What are you doing?", I could suddenly hear Lin ask me. He sounded confused, and a little worried.
"Just sitting", I said, still looking straight ahead as I was breathing out. Then, the shortness of breath came back to me. I panically closed my eyes again. "And trying to breathe"
"Okay", he said, still unsure as he sat down next to me. "What do you mean?"
"I haven't been able to breathe here since that night", I slowly told him, almost whispering as I counted in my head. He didn't say anything, but put his hand on mine and squeezed it tightly.
My breathing slowly, but surely, got back to a sort of normal level. I focused on every breath, and tried to avert every thought that I was doing something wrong or that I was back in that moment. I literally had to force the air down and then up in the beginning.
I opened my eyes and let my head rest on his shoulder. I instantly felt my heart starting to beat faster.
"I don't want to go away and come back and still be afraid of this spot", I whispered, feeling helpless because I still wasn't breathing correctly when I didn't focus a hundred percent.
I closed my eyes again, to try to get used to the normal breathing pattern in this place of fear and anxiety.
"I get that", Lin said, squeezing my hand tightly.
I swallowed anxiously.
"I was back there. Earlier. I think that's why I reacted... the way that I did", I quietly said. It felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders, because I knew it was the truth. And I couldn't bear it alone. "And I thought that, maybe, if I sat here, this spot wouldn't be so scary anymore and I'd finally be able to breathe-"
I opened my eyes, and looked at him.
He nodded as he puzzled the pieces together.
I don't think he actually knew what to say.
But he knew that I needed to say something.
"It... it just wouldn't stop and suddenly I felt like I was back there. And I didn't want that- I-", I exclaimed, pulling my hands through my head as my heart started to beat faster again. I sat up again, moving my head away from his shoulder. "What if you're not there next time? What if I hurt myself again? What if... what if I come back and these places still make me panic?"
Lin gave me a calm look, but his eyes were worried and full of concern.
He knew that I was being serious.
And he knew that it could very well be true.
"For all your what ifs, one thing is sure. We will be there for as many as we can while you're with us", he began to say, as he looked at me before putting his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in. "And even when you're older and maybe with a family of your own, we'll be there for you", he continued, as he wiped a few tears of mine that had started to fall before I'd even realized it. "Alright?"
I nodded.
They had said it so many times to me before.
And I couldn't make myself believe them fully.
But for each time they told me that they'd be there, I believed it a little more.
"Yeah", I quietly replied, pulling my legs up further into the fetal position I was in.
"And you know what?", he asked me.
I shook my head and looked up at him, not knowing where he was heading with this.
"I believe that you'll be able to handle some of those what ifs on your own too", he told me calmly and caringly. I gave him a confused look, because I couldn't see myself doing it. "Just look at where you're sitting. Look at what you're doing-"
I looked down at my lap, realizing what he meant. I even started to giggle a little.
"You chose to try and breathe because you didn't want another what if", he said, and I could hear that he was smiling. "I'd call that pretty brave"

—————
Hey!
Long time, no see😌
I hope I at least made it up with a long and emotional chapter?❤️

It's been a lot happening for me in the last month! I've been singing in the student choir, had our winter concert and I did Lucia on the 13th of December🎉 Lucia is a Swedish Christmas tradition celebrating the light that's always found in the darkness🕯️
Besides that I've been having a lot of schoolwork and trying to get everything together for uni before going back home for the winter holidays☺️ I also participated in a student driven Christmas design market with some Christmas cards I designed🎅🏼
Yesterday me and my friends had a pre-Christmas with delicious typical Christmas food here, making gingerbread houses and playing the Christmas gift game💌 We actually ended up being 20 people! It was so cosy and fun to spend some time together before the last exam on Monday🎄

This chapter has a lot of twists and turns, and I hope you liked it❤️ I feel like I still have so much to say in this story, and so many loose ends I need to tie up before I end this story. This chapter was one of them!😌

I don't know if I'll manage to put a chapter out before the year comes to an end, and if I don't I just want to wish you happy holidays if you celebrate anything and a happy new year🥰 I appreciate you all so much for continuing to read and support Rue's story. I love you all❤️

If you liked the chapter, please leave a vote and maybe even a comment!🍃 It truly makes my day😌

Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H