[Before anything: Trigger warning for mentions of self harm, r*pe and suicide. Please don't read if that triggers you]

[A/N: The chapter you've probably all been waiting for is here. I hope I don't disappoint💗]

Rue's POV
It was just minutes until I was going to go into the courtroom. I kept looking at the clock above the door, though time went just as slowly as it always did. So, I looked again, just to be sure.
I could feel Lin and Vanessa looking over at me with concern, as I was sat next to Vanessa on a bench and Lin was standing next to it. And, I couldn't blame them for their worried looks, considering how I'd been this morning.
I looked down on my hands, realising I was fiddling and tapping in the pattern I liked. Besides that, I had unwillingly begun to shake my legs.

That's new, I thought to myself.

Vanessa put her hand on mine, squeezing it tight.
"It'll be alright", she assured me.

I'm not so sure of that, I thought.

Yet, I nodded, and checked that the paper I had written my statement on was folded up in the back pocket of my trousers. It was.
I looked down at my hands again, checking that the bandages around my arms weren't showing. They weren't, but my arms were hurting. It had been a long time since the last time I had scratched them.

I was wearing a simple navy small-floral-patterned shirt blouse with a white, knitted, cardigan over it and a pair of matching navy dress pants. To that, I had a pair of flats on. My hair was down, and I had a navy blue head band on. Vanessa had bought me the clothes the week before. I hadn't really cared for it, but both Jade and Vanessa had agreed that they didn't want me to look older than I was.
And, obviously, realised why that was.
I just wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to wear these clothes again.
However much I liked them.

I checked my phone, which I hadn't done since I'd woken up. Maybe because of avoidance. There were three texts, all from three different people. The first one was from Sepi.

>> I heard from Dr Noma that the trial was today. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you wanna talk or so. Before or after.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but the text made me calm but also more stressed. It was as if the text had made it more real. I couldn't bring myself to reply, even though I was grateful for her concern.

Maybe after, I thought to myself.
Everything was after now.

The second one was from Carson.

>> I don't know if this will help, but I did my testimony last week and it's scary but it'll be fine. He's gonna go down for what he did. And you're a flipping force of a person who's going to ace this. Call me if you need a pep talk. Or don't if you feel like it'll make it worse. I'll be chanting your name at my place, anyway!

He had briefly told me that he was going to testify, when I had told him that I was going to. Somehow it gave me a little comfort, knowing that he had been sitting in the same chair as I was supposed to sit in. And, like with Sepi, I couldn't bring myself to reply. Maybe because I was scared that his positivity would rub off on me; that I'd take the win for granted when I wasn't even sure I'd make it into the room.

The final text was from Dom.
I anxiously swallowed, ashamed by how I had acted just a few hours ago.

>> Hey, Ruth. Thinking of you❤️

It was such a small thing to say, but it was meaningful to read and hear. On the one hand, it was a romantic thing to write, but on the other, it served another purpose. That even though I had freaked him out, that I had shown him the darkest part of me even though I hadn't wanted to, he was still thinking of me.

He hadn't left me.
He really hadn't.

And, truth to be told, I was thinking about him.

I began to reply, but before I could, my lawyer came walking through the door.
"Hey Rue!", Jade greeted me with her big, inviting, smile as she looked at me with concern. I instantly stood up, and left Dom on read. Lin instantly stood next to me.
"Are you ready? Because this is the last chance to get out. We can arrange for you to give your statement via video call, or you can just write it down", she kindly told me.
I just shook my head, almost automatically.
"Alright. I just wanted you to know that you can stop, right here, right now. But you can also stop while you're in there. At any point. It is up to you", she calmly told me.
I nodded again.
"I know", I said, and surprisingly, there was no doubt in my voice. Vanessa squeezed my hand again, having never let go of it.
"Again, thank you for doing this, Jade", Vanessa told Jade, her voice calm, too. Lin nodded agreeably with a concerned look on his face. Though, when he looked at me, he put on a stoic smile; staying strong for me. That's when I realised that he was the most worried out of them.
"It's my pleasure", Jade replied, and then turned to me. "Okay, Rue. I know that you can do this. You're the bravest 15-year-old I know. Do what you've got to do"
I nodded, and I was determined, but I could feel my legs shaking. I checked that my statement was in my pocket again.
It was.
"Let's go then", she said, and I instantly followed. I was moving almost robotically, but I was still tapping and blinking as we walked through the door and into the courtroom. Vanessa was walking on the right side of me, holding my hand, and Lin on the left.
Time seemed to move slower than it ever had before, as I felt everyone turn around to look at me.

I was doing every routine I knew to keep myself together, to just walk to my seat, but everything seemed to work towards me.

I tried to keep my eyes pinned on the back of Jade, but before I knew it, I had caught a glimpse of him.
Everything inside me screamed no; my body and my mind. The reaction of fear was instant. I immediately stopped walking, and my hand held onto Vanessa who directly realised why I had stopped. My heart was racing as she turned to look at me with worry in her eyes.
"Hey, hey, Niñita. It's okay. It's okay", she whispered to me, as her eyes looked directly into mine.
Lin had noticed that I had stopped now, too. And so had the rest of the people in there.
"Just take a deep breath with me", Vanessa said, and I did, while I panically stared into her calm eyes. I started counting, as she did, too.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...
Lin carefully put his hand on my shoulder.
"You can do this. I know you can", he told me.
I nodded, trying to collect myself as I hastily forced myself to start walking again.
I was doing everything that came to mind, because right now I was defying the one thing I absolutely didn't want to do.
And I had to do it; because I knew, deep down, that I actually wanted this.
I must've surprised Vanessa and Lin, but they just followed me as we took our seats.
And Vanessa didn't let go of my hand once.
And Lin kept his hand on my shoulder.
Both of them trying to make me feel safe. I don't think any of them knew how much that meant to me.

And neither of them let go until my name was called.

Jade led me to the witness stand. She said something kind to me, but I couldn't hear what.
I was just trying to avoid looking at him.
Instead I looked at the judge.
She looked kind, too.
"State your full name", the Judge said.
"Ruth April Miranda", I said, sounding more determined than I was.
"Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?", the Judge asked me.
"Yes", I said, feeling slightly more shaky.

This was it.

"Please be seated", she said, nodding at me. I did so. "Can you start by telling us about the event?"
I nodded, again, as I took the carefully folded piece of paper from my back pocket.
My hands were shaking more than I thought they were.
"I...", I began to say but my throat closed up. I took a deep breath. "I was at a café with my best friend, Carson. We always went there on Tuesdays. He had been helping me out with my maths homework all afternoon, and it had been a really great day although I had been a little jumpy. After a while, Carson had to leave, and I texted my parents that I was gonna stay a little longer. That's when... that's when he came up to me", I paused for a second, looking up at Lin and Vanessa to get some comfort in that I wasn't alone.
I collected myself again, and looked down at the paper. It was shaking, and so was my hands as I tightly held on to it.
"I instantly recognised the voice, because he had harassed me before. But I didn't actually know who he was. He was just a journalist. But the memory of him that also meant that he already had power over me. The thing that looked like a gun in his pocket just added to my fear. And, so when he threatened me to get into his car, I... I just followed his instructions", I was looking directly at Lin and Vanessa again, and that was when I realised that I knew the whole speech by heart.

On one hand, I didn't want to look at them.
I didn't want to see their reactions.
But they were the only safe point in this room.
And I held onto them for dear life.

"It was easier that way. And I know that that's not what you want to hear. You want me to say that I fought for my life, that I tried to defend myself, and that I tried to run. But I didn't. And... And I blame myself for that. Even though I shouldn't", I continued, my voice steady as I carefully got closer to the part of the story which I had been avoiding for such a long time.
"You see, the thing with OCD is that you get so scared of not doing something enough, that you get scared that you've missed somethings And then you get afraid that others will get hurt because you missed something, or didn't do something enough. And I was convinced that my family would get hurt if I... if I didn't follow him into that taxi cab. Or if I didn't tap or blink while I just followed his instructions... So I tried to do it all", I said, already feeling exhausted and nauseous by the memories that were creeping up on me. "I, um... I passed out from the stress in the car"
My hands were still shaking.
I swallowed anxiously.
"He... he um... he-", I tried to say, but somehow I couldn't get the words out.
"Take your time", Jade told me, standing as close to me as she was allowed to.
I nodded, and looked at Vanessa who was taking a deep breath. I took one, too.
"He was... he was mad at me for passing out and slapped me to wake me up. He then dragged me to a dark room and locked me in there", I continued, trying to keep to the script I had carefully written.
But, it was hard.
The closer I got to the most dreadful part made my entire self scream no so loudly that I just wanted to put my hands over my ears, scream and drown out the noise.
"Just minutes later I found myself sitting in the corner of the room, scratching my arms until they bled and even further just in case he would try and go after my family too", I stated, still feeling ashamed to admit it, though I knew why it was of importance. "And I know that that doesn't make sense to all of you. And it doesn't make sense to me. All I know is that if I scratched my arms, I felt like I was in control again", I said, looking directly at the jury. "Like I was regaining my dignity", I stopped for a second, as I suddenly found myself in that room.
I felt my breaths getting shorter, and I squinted my eyes closed again, trying to throw out the traumatic flashback.
I started counting in my mind again, as I opened my eyes.
"I was trying so hard to stay awake. I did everything to not fall asleep. But then, h-he came into the room. I didn't even have the energy in me to say no. I just blinked. Because that's what I could control", I was talking slowly, as if I was saying every next word for the first time in my life.
Still, I sounded confident.
"He put his weight on me. He pressed me down, crushing me. He called me names. He held my wrists so I couldn't push him away. He was mad at me for all the blood. He called me disgusting. He called me a freak. He did everything he could to make me feel smaller", I paused for a divine, as I hesitated before the next line.

I hadn't said any of these words out loud.
I hadn't even dared to touch them.
To say them.
To form them.
Even less, to think them.
And now the words on the paper were staring back at me.
And I had to say them.

"He t-touched me where I didn't want to be touched. He kissed me though I couldn't stop him. He didn't stop. And I instantly realised that he wouldn't stop. Any resistance was useless", I said, my voice getting heavier and shakier as I tried to avoid feeling as if I was back there; because then I didn't know if I was going to be able to continue.
My hands were shaking more violently, but it just made me hold onto the paper even harder.

I looked up from the words again.
But I didn't look at anyone.
I didn't want to see how they reacted to the next line.

"S-so I just laid there while h-he r*ped me"

In the corner of my eye I could see someone uncomfortably shift in their seat, and I had a feeling that they weren't the only one who felt uneasy.

I was feeling uneasy, too.
But I had to tell my story.

I blinked harder.

A tear rolled down my cheek.
It was like a punch in the gut.
I, so, didn't want to cry in front of him.
I wiped it a millisecond later.
And then another one rolled down.
I wiped it, and swallowed anxiously before I took a deep breath - just trying to calm myself.
I didn't want him to know that he had gotten to me.
Even though, he, really, really, had.

I looked up at the light.
Letting it blind me.
Thinking that I had read somewhere online that it would help to stop crying.

As soon as my eyes felt a little drier, I looked down at my paper again.
"He continued through the night. I blacked out every now and then. I... I remember him kicking me in the stomach, a-and then shoving me into the wall a couple of times. And... and he-he was mad for me not being quiet enough when h-he was on me even though I was trying so hard to keep quiet... a-and so, h-he put his hands around my neck and strangled me", I said, and now I was shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I was twitching my head to the side, as if I was trying to avoid the thoughts and flashbacks that were trying to attack me from all angles of my mind.
I squinted my eyes closed as I began to feel sick.

I could feel him looking at me.
And I wasn't imagining it.
He really was here.
And I couldn't give in.

I opened my eyes again, and tried to take a deep breath as I desperately pushed the thoughts aside.
"Hey, Rue... Are you okay to go on? We can stop if you want to", I could hear Jade saying next to me, though I didn't reply.

Instead, I was looking right at him.

He still looked the same.
He still looked kind.
He still looked normal.
But the sight of him made my throat close up, making me gasp for air again.

I was just staring at him.
But he was looking away.
"And he was just a journalist. He's still a journalist to me. I don't dare to think of him any other way. I don't dare to think about what I could've done, because I barely dare to think of what did happen. I don't know how many times he kicked me, or how many times he tried to strangle me, or how many times he punched me, or... or how many times he was... he was on me. I wasn't there, really. I was detached from myself... I... I just know that it happened. And that he was sitting across the room with a gun when I woke up", I told everyone, but really I was telling him.
I didn't blink once; I just let the tears fall.
"He told me I had ruined everything. That I was going to ruin my new family's life. That I already had ruined his. And that I had ruined my biological dad's life and that I was the reason he was dead. And so he told me it was his turn to ruin mine", I continued, looking right at him, but he was still looking away.
And I realised that I had the power over him. That my words had gotten to him.
I anxiously swallowed before moving on to the next part, realising I was part the hard part.
"Then, he pressed his hands against my throat again and he pointed the gun against my forehead. As it was getting harder to breathe I figured that if I held breath and decided to stop breathing on my own, then he wouldn't k-kill me. I would. I would be in control. And I would regain my dignity", I said, and that's when he looked at me, his eyes furious but his face calm. Yet, he couldn't conceal his hate for me and for what I was saying. His sudden look unwillingly scared me, and made me tense up and skip for air before I continued.
"That's when the people came. He tried to shoot me, but the bullet just missed my head. Though it didn't hit me, I still passed out from the emotional and physical stress", I carefully said, still feeling as if I had the power, for once. "The next time I could comprehend my surroundings was at the hospital", and he looked away from me, still furious.
But I continued to stare at him.
I had reached the end of my statement.

Though I didn't feel finished.

In a sense, I wanted him to know that he really had gotten to me. That the tears that were building up behind my eyes meant something.
"And I want him to know that he did ruin my life. He left me, all bruised, thinking I wasn't worth anything. And I've been stuck there ever since - in that room. All on my own. I can't take a cab anymore. I can barely get in a car. I can barely go to a café. I can, but I can't sit at the table where I sat that day. I can barely fall sleep, because when I do, I see him. I can barely go out. And I blame myself, though I know I shouldn't. I stopped trusting people. I tried to not think of him - but everything reminded me of it. I got so much worse than I ever thought I could get. I tried so hard to stay in control that I... eventually lost control", I quietly, but determinedly, said, my eyes still pinned at him.
"In the midst of the blur I overdosed on my antidepressants about three weeks later, almost killing myself", I stated, realising that I was still scared of admitting that.
I paused for a second.
The tears were really falling now.
Somewhere along the way I had stopped wiping them.
"But now I've decided that he's not going to ruin my life anymore. I've decided that I'm not going to be stuck in that room anymore. I've got so much more to give. I've got my friends, and I've got my family... I've got so much love around me", I continued, looking straight at him; but he had his head bent, looking down, avoiding my gaze. "And he doesn't. And I realise it's going to take time. He's always going to be there, in the back of my mind. But I'm still here", I said, with confidence, this time.
I looked at him with pure hate.
"And I choose to live"
He was still looking away.
And I realised that this was all I could do.
I could just hope that I had gotten through.
And I felt finished.
I had improvised, and somehow that had made me feel better.
I turned to the Judge.
"I'm done"

I had made it.
I had actually made it.

I had stopped crying the second I was done.
Maybe because it was over.

He didn't look at me once more.
And I didn't want him to.
I had decided that he was out of my life.
He didn't decide for me anymore.
I was finally in charge.

Jade walked me out.
She had her arm around my shoulder.
Telling me I did good.
But I didn't really listen.
I just wanted to see my parents.

Vanessa and Lin lit up the second they saw me coming. They even seemed more relieved than me. Vanessa was the first to embrace me, but just milliseconds later, Lin had his arms around me too.
"We're so proud of you", he said as they let go, beaming at me with pride.
"You hear that? We are so, so, proud of you. Please be proud of yourself, Rue", Vanessa said, her voice warm and inviting.
I nodded, genuinely this time.
"I am", I quietly replied, still holding the piece of paper in my hand. I was looking around, trying to find a trash can.
"C... Can I throw this away now?", I asked, mainly looking at Jade.
"Yeah", she kindly replied, almost laughing at my simple request. I carefully walked over to the trash can, and folded up the paper before throwing it away.

As the paper fell out of my hand, I officially put it behind me.
It was after now.
Everything was going to be in this after.
And I wouldn't have to revisit this again.
Because I was in the after.

I turned around, looking at my parents.
They were saying thanks to Jade, and Vanessa hugged her. I walked over to them again, and said goodbye to Jade, too.

"Can we go home now?", I asked them, after Jade left us. Vanessa smiled at me.
"Well, yeah...", she said, as she quickly glanced at Lin. He looked at me mischievously.
"I think there's some people waiting for you by the car, Niñita. They really wanted to see you", he told me with a grin on his face that still beamed with pride.
"Who?", I asked, confused by his words.
"Dom, Sepi & Carson", he replied. "Question is if you want to see them"
I couldn't help but smile.
Lin did, too.
"Thought so"

When we turned the corner of the building where we'd found a parking spot earlier, I could see how Carson spotted us, and how he gently elbowed Sepi, who then elbowed Dominic.
They all started to cheer, while holding a sign that said Let's go Rue!, which I suspected Carson to be behind.
I walked towards them, but Lin and Vanessa stopped at the corner to let me have a moment.
I awkwardly giggled, as I blinked and tapped.
Just in case.
"You guys... you didn't have to do this", I quietly exclaimed, in awe of their gesture, as I quickly hugged Sepi.
"Of course we didn't, but we wanted to", Carson said, as I quickly hugged him, too.
"It actually was Dom's idea", Sepi added, smiling at me. I immediately turned to Dom, though I had been scared to look at him before. He looked like he always looked at me. And then I wondered why I had been scared to look at him in the first place.
"Thanks, Dom", I told him, as I hugged him, too. "And I'm sorry for earlier", I quietly added, while I had my arms around him, and he had his arms around me.
"No problem, Rue", he said back to me, as I held onto him a little longer. "Lin told me everything"
And somehow that put a weight off of my shoulders. It made me lighter to know the he knew, and I didn't have to explain. Because, truly, I wouldn't think I'd be able to talk about it for a long time now.
I let go.
"And I didn't scare you off?", I jokingly asked him with a witty look on my face, almost surprising myself with how casually I was acting.
Just a little over 30 minutes ago I had been sitting in the same room as my offender and kidnapper. But, now, suddenly, everything seemed so much easier because all of that was behind me.
He laughed.
"No, never", he replied, and I just blushed.
"Did you get to say everything you wanted to?", Sepi asked, a serious look on her face.
"I think, yeah. Yes", I replied. Her face lit up.
"So you knocked it out of the park?", Carson excitedly asked.
"She did", Lin replied, beaming at me, as Vanessa and him approached us.
I looked at them.
Sort of taking it all in.
They were my parents.
I don't know why it had taken me so long to even think that thought.
Maybe because there had been so much else going on.
"Well, we're sorry to cut your celebration short, but we've got to head home...", Vanessa said, smiling at my friends.
"No worries", Dominic replied, but then looked at me again. "We'll see you tomorrow, eh? Tuesdays at Tua's?", he asked, just to check with me.
And I liked that.
"Of course"

On the way home in car, without really thinking about it, I sat in the backseat on the right side.
Where I hadn't managed to sit in so long.
I had been looking out the window, in awe of the world as it was.
Then, I had looked to the front of the car, where Vanessa was driving and Lin was in charge of the music.
And I just smiled.
I was here.
And so were they.
Only after did I realise the importance of this.
How I'd finally been able to sit in the backseat without panicking.
It was as if today had allowed me to put everything behind me and to, finally, look and move forward.

Finally.

—————
Hello, hello, hello!👋
Finally, we're past the trial. Rue's past the trial. And she can finally let herself move on. Let's hear it for Rue in the comments, because I think she did a pretty great job in court!🎉👏💐

I've been thinking over this chapter for so long. And like always, it doesn't end up like you think; it ends up better. I hope you thought it was good, too💗
The only question left is what happens now? 🙈
(Don't worry, I have a plan. Sort of😉)

So, today I've had my exam on the third part of the course that I'm taking. It was a exam that you could to at home with all the books and the internet at hand, so that was pretty chill. I think I did pretty well, but I won't know until the results come in🙈 Until then, I'll chill and then I'll start the next (and final) part of the course on Monday👍 What's been great about this course is that I've been in the same class as a very old friend of mine. I think there's literally baby pictures of me and him together, and we went to the same kindergarten and school up until we were twelve - so this is like a full circle moment☺️

A fun little anecdote, I have finally bought myself a speaker so now I listen to a lot more music😂 Especially when writing haha, I used to listen on my phone's speaker which isn't the best quality. Let's just say I've listened to a lot of music since I got it💭 Everything from musicals to Taylor Swift to Dodie and I've really gotten into some Swedish music again, like Melissa Horn, Thomas Stenström and Daniel Adams-Ray... and my favourite of all time, Veronica Maggio who I'm actually seeing live this summer! I'mma scream and sing until there's nothing left in me🥹

Q of the Day: Are you a spender or a saver?👀
Me? Definitely a saver. I get so anxious about spending money, and when I do, I have to literally justify buying it. Like I've been thinking about getting a speaker for about a year and now I finally did🤦🏼‍♀️

Anyway, I shouldn't blabber on for much longer. If you liked the chapter, please leave a like or a comment💗
It really does make my day!☀️

Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 26th of April, 2022