[A/N: So for the first time in forever I've written an actual two parter of a chapter. So welcome to part one!💗]

I walked through the door with Lin, carefully carrying my dress in a garment bag, as I looked around the Theater, taking it all in. It still made me feel small. We walked directly to the stage, and even though we were early, Anthony and Jasmine were already there.
"Eyyy, look who's here!", Anthony exclaimed from the stage, as I took a seat and put my many things down. From the wings, Thayne, Ariana and Renée came out, waving at me excitedly. I awkwardly cracked a laugh, and waved at them, trying to hide the fact that it had actually made me slightly nervous.
"Is it okay for you to stay here, or do you want to be in the dressing room?", Lin kindly asked me, looking at me with a worried eye.
"It's okay", I said, trying to calm myself by tapping. "Nico and Amanda start in 30 minutes, right?", I checked it with him even though I already knew the answer.
He smiled at me.
"Yeah", he said. "Amanda's very excited to see your dress", he continued, hugging me quickly, before adding a last piece of wisdom.
"Take it easy today, Niñita. It's alright to not feel alright", he quietly told me before letting go, and tried to find my eyes.
I nodded, and smiled to the side.
I didn't like to admit it, but I wasn't alright. I had spent the entire day trying to prove my alrightness. And the day before that. And the day before that. It was exhausting. But, I had to be alright today. I was going to meet everyone today. And so, I tried so hard to be alright.

In reality, I hadn't even dared to touch the memories in my mind again, even less the statement I had to write for the trial; the trial that was coming closer and closer with each day that passed. It was all shoved into the back of my mind.

Instead, I had been working on the dress, doing the final pieces of homework and gone to therapy. Mainly working on the dress. Almost obsessively. Because it kept my mind off of things.

So, without a doubt, Lin and Vanessa were worried about me. Last night, I hadn't been able to sleep because the memories were creeping in, and so I had gone up and worked on the dress. Well, until Vanessa had checked on me at 3 am, because she was up to get a glass of water for Sebastian. It couldn't have been fun finding me in the dark, stressing about pins and needles with just my desk lamp being the only source of light. It was exactly what they had been scared for when I agreed to make the statement.

"Okay", Lin said, grinning at me, trying to make me feel better. He walked to the stage and started chatting with everyone, as more and more people started to arrive.
"Rue!", Daveed said as he passed me, his face radiating joy. "Good to see you", he said, as he ran up to the stage, about to be late.
"Good to see you too, Daveed", I told him, trying to sound confident.
"Last week before the Tonys everyone! Let's show them what we've got, eh?", Lin shouted to get everyone's attention before they started rehearsing. I returned to my homework, slowly making sense of the maths problems.
I looked around me, taking in the beautiful theater as they started the warmup. Once again, I was reminded how much I loved this place - even though it made me feel uneasy, at that very time.

I watched the clock, desperately wanting it to go faster. There was so much to do.

A couple of minutes later, Amanda came towards me from the wings, almost running.
"Hey Rue!", she exclaimed excitedly. "Come on, love. Let's go see that dress of yours", she said, taking the garment bag, as I quickly collected my things. I quickly waved at Lin when I disappeared backstage while following Amanda up to the costume section. He waved back, smiling at me with an uplifting look on his face.

Nico was just setting up as Amanda marched inside and I quietly tip-toed behind her, and looked up with a wide grin.
"Is it the prom dress?", he happily asked me, clearly eager to see it, to which I nodded.
"Well then, put it on!", Amanda laughed, putting her curly red hair up in a bun.
"Oh, okay-", I said while I took the dress and went to their little dressing room, feeling slightly nervous to show my work. What if they won't like it? Why didn't I just buy one?

After putting it on, I looked at myself in the mirror, the weight on my shoulders disappearing slightly.
I actually looked quite pretty.
The dress was this light, daisy, yellow colour. The fabric had a slight sheen and sparkle to it. Its sleeves were long and puffy, covering up my scars, but still slightly sheer. It had a high neck, but it wasn't a mock neck. It was short dress, and ended a little bit above my knees, which was just the way I had imagined.
It did look like the 60s dress of my dreams.
Flowy, sparkly and dance friendly.
And, it did have pockets, hidden in the seems.
I had made this, I thought to myself. Be proud.

I took a deep breath and walked out, scared to see their faces.
"It's not much but I'll be wearing converse with it, and obviously some jewellery but I guess this is it.", I blabbered nervously. Amanda instantly smiled and clapped her hands together in awe while Nick cheered and whistled. I giggled a little, not really knowing how to behave in the spotlight.
"A twirl, please", Amanda said kindly.
I took a slightly awkward turn, which made the sheer sparkly fabric on top of the satin fabric flow out.
"Very 60s Hollywood. I love it. And 'not much'?! Girl, you're more talented than I ever was at your age!", Nico exclaimed. I just shook my head, a little awkwardly.
"Thanks?", I replied, but it sounded more like a question.
"I mean, it's beautiful, darling. What do you need my help for?, Amanda asked me, and it sounded like she was genuinely wondering.
"Oh, um the zipper. I couldn't get it to work like I wanted it to. And I think I effed up the lining here-", I began to explain, trying to show where I meant. Amanda just smiled, knowing how detailed I was.
"Alright, I'll take a look"

I hung around in the costume section for the remainder of the rehearsal, just helping out in every way I could. Amanda worked her magic on my dress, quickly fixing the bits I pointed out and showed me how she did it.
"Thank you so much, Amanda", I said, as I put the dress back in the garment bag.
"No problem, dear. Just remember who taught you when you're famous", she jokingly told me. I cracked a laugh, and nodded.
Of course I would remember her.
I didn't know about the famous part, though.
"And, um I'm here until the show starts. So do you need help with anything?", I pointed out, and within seconds Nico had found a pair of trousers for me to fix.

"Lin, um Dom's outside waiting. So, I just wanted to say I'm going, I guess", I said as I walked into his and Jon's dressing room. My voice was quiet, afraid to make a fuss, but also stressed. Walking from one place to another was exhausting, because of all my thoughts and routines.
"Can you take my backpack and the dress when you go home?", I asked him, even though we had already discussed it at home.
"Yeah, of course. I'll walk you to the door", Lin said, already up from his chair. He took my hand and started leading me down the stairs and through the labyrinth that was the Theater. With him by my side, I walked quicker and felt less worried.
And he knew that.
"Did you eat the sandwich I brought you?", Lin asked me halfway, concerned that I hadn't.
"I ate half of it", I earnestly replied, because I had made a promise not to lie. He didn't show it, but that worried him. "But Dom and I are in charge of buying pizza, so I'll eat later", I added, and it was true.
I just wasn't sure of how much I would eat.
"Okay, Niñita", Lin gave in. "But please eat. And call Vanessa if you get worried, she can come pick you up-"
"Yes Lin, I will", I said, rolling my eyes. Once again I was trying to be more confident than I was. Lin laughed a little, but still kept a serious face. He stopped right before the back door, and looked at me.
"Are you sure you want to go, Niñita?", he asked me, probably more worried about me than he liked to show. "Because I can open this door and say you weren't feeling well-", he explained, while trying to put a sarcastic spin on it.
"I want to go, Lin. It's just some friends from school, I'll be fine", I replied, putting on the confident façade that I so desperately needed.
Lin smiled at me. He almost looked slightly nervous, as he nodded at me. And so, he opened the door to the back, where Dom was waiting.
"Hey!", Dom said and looked up, his eyes lighting up when he saw me.
I felt so happy to see him.
"Hi Dom!", I said, and stepped out while letting go of Lin's hand. I awkwardly stood next to Dom, just wanting to go.
"Hi!", Lin said, smiling a little to the side. Then he looked straight at me. "Rue, be home by 11. At the latest", he instructed me kindly, mainly because he was worried for me. He turned to look directly at Dom. "And Dom, you're going to make sure she gets home by 11. Alright?", to which Dom nodded. I looked down, feeling embarrassed by the request.
Dom seemed unfazed.
"Yes, 11 pm. Noted", Dom said, as confidently as ever. Once again, I was mesmerised by his ability to seem so cool and confident at the same time while also becoming friends with anyone he met. "Have a great show by the way!", he added, genially.
"Good, good. Thanks, Dom. Have fun you two!", Lin energetically said, and waved goodbye before closing the door behind him.

My anxiety doubled at that point, and I desperately wished for him to come back and say I wasn't feeling very good.

"Let's go then. We've got about seven pizzas to pick up", Dom said, laughing a little.
"I've got a list of orders from Carson. What do you want?", he asked me as we walked out on the busy sidewalk of Broadway. People were already queuing outside the Rodgers, and I could feel someone looking at me. In the corner out of my eye, a girl was pointing at me after nudging their friend to look at me, too. I turned my head down, staring at the sidewalk, scared to walk on a crack.
"Um, you don't have to get me one. I'm not really hungry", I said monotonously, and almost automatically even though I had told Lin I would eat. But it was true; I wasn't hungry. Instead, I was filled with nerves and anxiety. Though, I still felt as if I was letting everyone down.
"Well, you can have some of mine then. Pepperoni?", Dom suggested, not really accepting what I had just said.
"Alright", I said, looking behind us and seeing the eyes of more fans staring at me. I instantly looked forward again, feeling uneasy. I started tapping. Just in case.
"Great!"

We reached the pizza place within a few minutes, and a few minutes later we walked out with six pizzas, carrying three each. Inside, I wanted to celebrate the fact that I had been inside a crowded place, and had managed without panicking. The main reason was that Dom had talked constantly, keeping me busy and my mind distracted. Or more, the fact that I was so busy looking and listening to him because it was the only thing I wanted to do. He was just everything when I was with him.

"Pizza delivery!", Dom shouted as we approached the spot in the park where Carson had set up everything from picnic blankets, to a boombox and what looked like a garden game of sorts. They were sitting in a circle, listening to music and chatting. I could feel myself tensing up when I saw everyone, and my mind began to spiral. Yet, I realized that it was too late to back out now, and followed right behind Dom. I plastered on a small smile, trying to not look as frightened as I actually was.
"Hey, come join, we're playing heads up!", Carson shouted from where he was sitting with the phone up against his forehead, while Stella seemed to desperately try and describe a movie character.

I could feel a weight form in my stomach, weighing me down as I had to take step after step, my legs feeling like logs of pine trees, heavy to move.

It's your friends, I tried to tell myself. You like your friends.

"Wohoo!", Parker exclaimed, running up to us and taking them off of our hands. He instantly stood in the middle of the group, and opened the box on the top.
"Who's pepperoni?", he announced. Dom raised his hand, laughing a little.
"That's us", he said, taking the box back from Parker, who went on to the next pizza. Dom sat down next to Carson, and I followed his lead, feeling slightly out of place.
"Who the actual F were you describing?", Carson happily, yet frustratedly, asked Stella.
"Minnie Mouse?", she said, sounding defeated.
"Ohhh, right", Carson giggled, the penny dropping for him and seeing how he hadn't scored a single point.
I hoped I wouldn't have to play.
"Hey Rue!", Stella said the second she saw me, and launched forward into giving me a hug. I stiffened up in her arms, surprised by her actions. I was relieved that she let go quickly.
"Hey", I said, feeling slightly out of place. I had forgotten how outgoing she was. "Sorry, I-I'm not a big hugger-", I forced out, feeling as if I had to explain myself.
"Noted", Stella told me, and put her blond hair up with a claw clip. "Oh yeah, you guys haven't met - this is Sheridan", Stella said, gesturing towards the girl next to her.
The girl  had her hair in box braids, and was wearing a sweater with a cherry on it. She waved at me from her spot.
"Hi! Sherri for short, but I like Sheridan too. She/her and they/them pronouns, both are fine with me. And you prefer Rue, right?", Sheridan said, their voice light and kind. I smiled to the side and nodded, slowly letting my walls down.
"Yeah. Rue works just fine. Um, she/her", I said, while realizing I hadn't really been asked for my pronouns before.
"Here you go", Dom said, while handing me a slice of his pizza. He hadn't forgotten that I had said that I wasn't hungry, because he knew I was lying. I looked at him briefly, through the glasses that had slipped down on his nose. "Come on, you can't say no to pizza, eh?"
"Oh, okay, t-thanks", I told him, taking it in my hand.
"Cheers", he said, and I repeated it as we dunked our pizzas together, and as we did Dom gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I giggled and took a small bite.
"You guys are so cute", Stella squeakily said, while looking at us in awe.
"So it's official? Girlfriend and boyfriend?", Carson ecstatically asked, almost jumping off of the picnic blanket in excitement.
"I guess", Dom replied. While Carson cheered and exclaimed that he called it, Dom looked to me. "Are you okay with that?", he asked me. It was weird to hear someone say it, but I nodded instantly. There was nothing to think about. Except the fact that I did, indeed, think about everything.
"I'm very okay with that", I said, because I was more than okay with that.
He beamed at me, and I at him.
"Okay"

Time seemed to fly. Everybody ate their pizza and chatted about anything and everything, and I even managed to say a few words.
However, I continued to do little routines throughout the evening. Just to be sure.
I got to know Parker's date, Haley, who was in the Drama Club with him and Carson. Her hair was cut short into a pixie cut, and she was wearing a black t-shirt with a long, floral, skirt. She was really nice, too. In fact, everyone was really nice. Somehow, I had forgotten that.

Soon, the penny fell down for Haley - a penny that I wasn't aware that had been in the air since she had seen me.
"Wait, are you like the daughter of Lin-Manuel Miranda?", she shyly, but not really shyly, asked out of the blue. Even by trying to mask it, you could hear that she thought it was a big deal. From my left side, Dom started laughing. His laugh made me feel warm.
"Yeah", I replied, trying to make it less of a deal.
"Oh my God. Why didn't any of you guys tell me?", she looked directly at Parker with a shocked face, clearly fangirling about it. Parker could barely keep a straight face.
"Well, we thought it'd be funny for you to figure it out yourself. And it is!", Carson laughed, absolutely enjoying the confusion and joy of Haley.
"But, he's like the future of musical theatre. I sang Burn for my spring musical audition. You could've at least warned me?", she said, definitely embarrassed of how starstruck she was. In all fairness, she mainly looked at Parker, clearly annoyed with him. "Oh shut up!", she exclaimed in response to his laughter, and covered her face in embarrassment.
"Come on, Haley, it's funny!", he responded, trying to reconcile with her. Haley looked at me.
"Is it?", she asked, a little defeated. Behind her wondering look, I could sense a smile.
"A little, yeah", I confessed, trying to keep the conversation light. In all honesty, it was. Yet, I didn't like how it brought attention to me, as I looked down at my endlessly tapping hands, and wished that they'd move on to talking about something else, and that I'd just have to listen.
"Hey guys!", a guy shouted from a bit further away. I took my eyes from monitoring the tapping, and turned my head from where the voice had come from. A group of two guys and a girl came walking towards us. I recognized one of the guys, who was holding the hand of a girl I knew. It was Guy the guy, and Via was holding his hand.

I didn't know how to feel about her being here.

"Right, I invited the rest of my band - hope that's okay Cars!", Parker carelessly said. A knot instantly tied itself in my stomach, and I could feel myself tensing up again. I had just gotten used to having these people around me. I wasn't sure if I could handle any more.

Via was smiling at me. I forced a smile back, as they took a seat, right next to us.

She looked so different. She had gotten indigo streaks in her hair. Her fashion had changed, too. She looked like she really fit into the rock scene.

Dom gave me a concerned look. I smiled at him, too. Just in case.
"I've missed you so much Rue-", Via exclaimed, and before I even knew it, she was hugging me. I awkwardly tried to hug her back, even though I was feeling really tense about it.
Besides those text a few weeks back, we hadn't spoken since March.
"I've missed you too, Via", I told her, feeling obligated to show the same manners as she did.
"Oh, right. I sort of go by Olivia now. So you're going to prom too?", she said as she let go. I nodded, trying to take everything in. "Great!", she continued to say, but I could still feel the awkward tension between us.
"Um, I like your indigo streaks", I said, because it actually really fitted her. Her eyes lit up.
"Thanks! I found this great hairdresser in the East Village whose expertise is type 4 hair, and I'm honestly so happy I went for it-", she told me, genuinely happy. "Sorry, I'm rambling. How have you been?"
How could I possibly reply to that, without sounding like a liar?
"Oh, good", and it did sound like I had imagined. "Sort of"
She nodded, and Dom cut off our conversation. Or, he more or less saved me from the awkwardness.
"I don't think we've met. I'm Dominic", he said, holding out his hand for a firm handshake, like he always did. Always making friends with everyone. Via - or Olivia - took his hand, appreciating the handshake.
"I'm Olivia. Rue and I hung out a lot in school earlier this year-", she said, all smiley.
"Right. You're in speech and debate. I thought about joining...", he started talking, and before I knew it they were chatting about everything; how Olivia wanted to be an environmental lawyer and had joined several climate activist movements, and about any movie with a crisis theme that Dom had seen.
I mostly sat and tapped.
Somehow, her being there had really thrown me off.
I didn't manage to listen, really.
But, it was still nice to be there.
And she was nice.
You know her, I told myself. She's your friend. You like your friends.

"Okay, okay! Everybody! Head's up!", Carson exclaimed an hour later, after having stood up to make sure everyone could see him. "Literally, we're playing heads up. Music edition! And Parker will try and play along with his guitar, and Craig too", Carson said, nodding towards Parker who was already pulling out his guitar. Craig, who was the third band member, also did so. "Stella and Sherri, you're a team, of course. Dom and Rue, obviously. Guy and Olivia. Or should I say Via?", he winked at her, and Olivia burst out laughing.
They seemed to know each other. I couldn't figure out why. I was just grateful to hear that I didn't have to be on my own.
"And me and Haley - the best of the best from Drama Club - and we will win", Carson finished and sat down next to Haley, while looking very happy with himself.
"But we're playing it analogically. So, no phone. Each team gets a minute per round. Take a piece of paper out of the bowl and put it up against your forehead. Everyone else will have to hum or sing everything but the words of the title. When you get it correct, you take another. We're doing best of three rounds. Got it?", Haley instructed, getting ready.
I think everyone but me nodded or said something like yeah. I was sort of overwhelmed. It occurred to me that they had been working on this for quite a while, because they even had matching headbands for every team. Me and Dom got bright blue, and of course Carson and Haley had personally decorated theirs with glitter and letters.
Haley nudged her elbow in Carson's side, and took up a piece of paper that said Isn't she lovely - Stevie Wonder. Parker set the timer and we were off.
"NA NAA NAH NAH NAAAAH", I heard Sherri and Stella hum-shouting from next to us. Dom could barely keep a straight face. Haley instantly recognized it.
"ISN'T SHE LOVELY BY STEVIE WONDER", she shouted from her seat, and Carson took the next piece of paper that said Don't stop believin' - Journey. Everyone but me and Dom started humming, and once again, they instantly understood it.
Dom leaned in, whispering in my ear.
"I haven't told you this, but I'm not musically talented. At all. I'm practically tone deaf, I think. So, I'm sorry in advance", he quietly told me.
"Well I'm absolute sh*t at song titles", I said, letting out a small giggle. Dom joined me.
"Perfect"

And, indeed, we weren't the best of the bunch.
If it was that I was still hesitant to take part in the group, or that we were both just crap, or that I didn't like everyone watching me - I don't know. Dom would probably blame it on us getting the hard songs, or that he knew the song and could sing it but had no idea what its name or artist was.
We were hopeless at this game.
And he completely embraced it.
Which made me embrace it.

When we finally got one right, the whole group cheered. How fitting that it was the You and me song by the Wannadies.
"Only because the Film Club had a Baz Luhrmann marathon last weekend and saw Romeo + Juliet!", Carson explained, truly happy with himself.
And I had known it because he had sent the song to me afterwards.

Time just fled.
And maybe, it was because I was actually having fun.

However, after a while, heads up just turned into an entertaining jamming session of everyone just singing along to Sweet Caroline and having a great time.
I was leaning onto Dom, my head resting on his left shoulder, trying to feel as carefree as everyone else and just take in the moment.
Dom glanced at me, radiating happiness.
I hoped I did too.
I looked at my phone.
It was nearing 11 pm.
I had almost managed the entire evening.
And I was fine.

"SWEET CAROLINE BA BA BAAA-", everybody shouted, probably disturbing everyone else in the park. Even I was singing along, daring to take a bigger part of the group. And I felt so free.
So happy.
I had managed.
Until a very familiar voice shot right through the singing.
"Oh, for f*cks sake, just shut up"

—————
Hello hello hello!👋
And obviously we are finishing on a cliffhanger😉 Which I rarely do, to be honest. So you'll have to stick with me this time... because PART TWO will be published tomorrow!💐

I'll start by saying that I am devastated for the people of Ukraine. It's really scary to see. My heart is with you🙏🇺🇦

I've been bad at updating because a lot happened in the last few weeks. I had my first seminar and exam, and it turned out I had missed to apply to the exam so I wasn't allowed to do it. But then someone didn't show up so I got in 45 minutes later and was then allowed to take it in less time. So it got fixed, but still. Stressful. Then I somehow decided I wanted to apply to a degree in design with the final deadline being 7th of March which is slightly stressful. But I finished my portfolio, just gotta do the actual design sample... oh well. And I've just come back from five days in Åre in the north of Sweden where I've been skiing. Took the night train both there and back, so I'm running on very little sleep. And because I was there I missed the start of my next course. I have also discovered that I get motion sickness from trains? Like, afterwards? The whole world has been spinning since this morning😅

So I finally just finished working on these two parts of a long, long, chapter. And I am still awake because I cannot sleep during the day, and I am not missing the finale of my favourite game show På Spåret, which basically means "on track". Basically, two teams consisting of two people (often comedians, journalists, artists...) compete. The teams sit in fake train cubicles and they have to find out where they are going based on really hard clues from 10 to 2 points and looking at a film from a train route. And then they are to answer questions about anything relating to the destination. After three destinations, the program is over. And it's glorious (even though it sounds boring). I absolutely love it. It's like a cult classic show in Sweden. So gotta keep myself awake for that🙈

Q of the Day: What's your favourite TV game show, if you watch any?📍

Well, I'll see you tomorrow then!
Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 25th of February, 2022