[A/N: The fact that I was thinking of incorporating this in the last chapter... wishful thinking. It's a long chap that discusses trauma and s*xual assault, so please don't read if you find that triggering, okay?💓]

"Oh, good, you're here", Vanessa said, as I closed the door behind me seven times. I had been outside, on my own, walking Tobi. It might have just been around the block - but it had taken me more than half an hour.
And, more importantly - I had made it.
"I'm here?", I said jokingly, not really sure what Vanessa had meant with it.
"Jade will be here in 10 minutes", she clarified, and gladly petted Tobi who was jumping up and down from not seeing Vanessa in a while.
I processed the information.
My lawyer was coming over.
"-Right", I said out loud, but inside I let myself confess that I had forgotten about it.
Or, to be frank, I had made myself forget it.
Like the statement I had to write.
"And Dr Noma", she reminded me.
I looked down at my hands.
I was tapping again.
Already.
"I don't want to", I told her quietly, biting my tongue. Vanessa sighed sympathetically.
"I know, I know. It'll soon be over, okay?", she said, putting her arms around me. The way she said it was so thoughtful, considering I was the one who had wanted to do this in the first place. Who had forced them to let me do this, even though they knew that it could to me.
I nodded into her shoulder, and tried to pick myself up again.

Jade and Dr Noma had gotten nothing out of me in the last meeting. So, now, they were coming to my safe spot of the world, where my safe people were.
And I didn't know if that was better.
If anything, it made me more nervous.
I usually tried not to think about it here.

"Hey, Niñita", Lin said, emerging from the living room, with a small smile on his face. "Ready?", he continued, as I let go of Vanessa.
I unwillingly nodded, swallowing my anxiety yet again - having no idea if I ever were to be able to open that door to those memories.
Or how I would react when I did.

Jade was a radiant woman. The kind of confident person anyone would want to be. She nodded at Dr Noma, who was sitting in the armchair. I was sitting in my usual spot on the sofa, tapping and blinking. Vanessa was seated next to me, and Lin on the other side. Together, they built a wall to protect me.
"So, um...", Jade began, flicking through her papers. "I know we discussed this last time, but I just wanted to double-check with you again, Rue. Because there is a possibility for you to testify from another room via video link, and truthfully both me and Dr Noma thinks that it would be the best for you-"
To my own surprise, I cut her off.
"I want to be in the room, as I said last time", I told her, my voice sounding so small and quiet.
I knew why I wanted that, but it still felt impossible. Maybe that's why I manifested it so hard. That it would make it easier.
"Okay", Jade said, not asking any more questions about it. "On the day of the trial you will only have to make your statement. You'll be in and out of that courtroom in minutes, okay?", she calmly informed me.
I nodded, while looking down at my tapping hands, as I blinked rhythmically.
"Rue, would you be willing to go through the events with us?", Dr Noma asked from her seat.
I tapped faster.
"Not really", I said sarcastically, looking up, and forcing a small smile as I felt the weight build up on my shoulders. I could hear Lin silently giggle next to me in response to my reply.
"I know it's not on the top of your list right now", Dr Noma replied, looking at me kindly. "Yet, it's really important for you to have processed the whole thing, and for Jade to get the whole picture", she explained.
Once again, I unwillingly nodded.
Jade spoke.
"And I just want you to know that I'm recording this meeting, so I won't miss anything. Are you okay with that?"
Vanessa squeezed my hand to tell me she was there. It gave my mind some peace.
I nodded to say that I was okay with that.
Even though it was all overwhelming.

I have to do this in order to do the trial, I thought to myself. I just have to get through this.

"So why don't you start with what you were doing that day?", Dr Noma began.
Looking back, I realise that they were avoiding words like kidnapping or s*xual assault to describe what they were calling the thing.
Because they knew that those were triggers.
Better to avoid them before I actually had to get close to them.
"Um... i-it was after school and I was at Tua's, the café, with my friend Carson. We had peach ice teas. W-we were talking and he was helping me w-with my maths homework", I slowly said, looking back at the moments in the cafés, as I searched for the words while retelling the story. "Funny thing though, I... I unintentionally solved a math problem from his book, and he's like in advanced math. Sorry, that doesn't matter-"
Jade cut in.
"Everything matters", she assured me.
I was still looking down at my fiddling, tapping, hands.
"O-okay. I think I texted V and L-Lin I was coming home in an hour or so. Um, Carson left after a while. Had to go to work. I was also really tired that day, a-and really jumpy, even though I had taken like, I don't know, seven antidepressants", and as I said that, I could feel Lin tense up next to me. Neither of them really knew how long my overdosing had gone on for.
"We said goodbye after joking about... about him going to work to cuddle puppies", I forced out, feeling myself getting closer to the actual matter at hand.

Tap harder.
The thought was like a bullet.
I told you to tap.

"Didn't I already say this to the police? I don't really remember, but I think I did", I blurted out, feeling slightly confused. Mainly because I was so petrified of going further into the events. Afraid for the thoughts to get worse.
My memory from the hospital was kind of fussy after the kidnapping. I did recall the police, and the questions which I just answered, like a robot, until I properly shut down. Though, I wasn't sure.
Jade nodded.
"Yeah, you did go through everything with the police, too. You just weren't really there", Dr Noma told me. "You were still in shock, and it serves as evidence, but it's not good enough for your own sake. Do you understand what I mean?", she continued, checking with me.
I anxiously swallowed.
And nodded.
"Okay", I forced out, biting my lip. Next to me, Lin picked up Tobi on his lap so she would stop jumping on him. But, she instantly left his lap and replaced it with mine, snuggling into position. I petted her right behind her ear, which she adored.
"What happened next?", Jade asked, as she scribbled something down on her notepad.
"He said my name, l-like a question, but also like he... like he was disgusted-", and with that I could hear him saying it again, behind me. "He asked you wouldn't mind me asking you a few questions would you?", and when I said that, I confused myself. I hadn't remembered that earlier. "Like... like I was supposed to hear him out. Like I didn't have a choice"
Jade nodded, assuring me.
The thoughts grew louder.
Rue Leighton?
I could feel my body tensing up, getting ready for a battle. However, the battle wasn't really a battle. It was imaginary. Yet just as scary.
You wouldn't mind me asking you a few questions would you?
His voice made me tense up.
Another thought came to mind, just as sharp.
Don't move.
"I looked up and recognized him. I was too afraid to say no. And I thought that if... if I let him ask his questions, he would leave me alone", I was stiff now, as I had stopped moving. Just in case something would happen if I did.
"H-he um...", I began, feeling as if he was looking down at me. "He said I got him fired. Because I had snatched on him to Lin and Vanessa"
To make your overprotecting fake parents happy, was the exact words he had used.
I didn't want them to know that.
My breath got heavier.
Don't move.
"He t-told me to pack my things and walk out to the car three minutes after him. And that I would suffer if I called or talked to someone. T-that's when I saw him put s-something in his p-pocket", I concluded, sounding more confident than I would have ever thought I would. "I did as he said, and as he stood next to the cab, I could see that the thing in his pocket was shaped like a gun. And he was pointing it at me. I sat in the backseat. He drove off. I started to spiral, and I passed out pretty quickly after that", the words melting into one.
I was talking really quickly now, which was my brain's way of controlling the little things of this horrible memory.
Literally just trying to get over with it.

I had not gone this far before.
And everything inside me told me not to.
A feeling of nausea came over me.
Don't forget to tap.

"Actually, it was a relief to shut down", I admitted. "It usually is", which sounded as heartbreaking as it was.
Because once again, I was admitting to it being easier to just shut down than to exist.
And I didn't want that.
I wanted to exist.

Tobi looked up at me with her wise eyes, wondering why I wasn't petting her anymore. But, she didn't leave me.
I hesitantly looked at dr Noma.
She smiled a small smile, telling me to go on.
Yet, I could feel how I was heading towards that situation, where I do shut down.
"Hey", Lin said next to me, trying to get my attention. "You're okay", having noticed that I was tapping much faster.

I don't feel okay, I wanted to say.
But I couldn't say that.
Either way, I just nodded.
I had to do this.

So, I forced myself to continue down memory lane.
"I woke up when he took me to the room. He slapped my face so I would, and... and said something about me passing out before he could give me a pill...", I was looking straight ahead, having fixed my eyes on the bookshelf in order to avoid anyone's gaze. "He locked me in there. The r-room was old, a-and dirty, and there was a blanket covering the w-window. And there was a chair", I rambled, slowly beginning to remember. Because from there on, I barely remembered anything. This was the door I had been so unwilling to open. Yet, here it was, kept on ajar. Just waiting for me to go inside that old, dirty, dark room.

I closed my eyes.
Only to open them again.
Blinking, like I had to do.
But, Iwasn't in the living room anymore.
I was in that room.
On the floor.
Pressed into the corner.
Scratching my arms.

"I... I, um. I scratched my arms. I... I had a panic attack. I think. For ages, it felt like. Because I think that I thought it might be better to stay awake rather than pass out again, I don't know...", and as I said that, I could feel myself being so utterly exhausted again. "But, like, eventually did. Sort of. Like I was awake. But I was just blinking. Because it felt better to do something, t-to control... s-something... w-when h-he was... o-on... on t-top of me", I stumbled upon the words, having a hard time to admit it, to even touch the words.
I didn't move at all, and kept still as my body felt on edge - ready to flee the scene if so a pin dropped.

I stayed quiet for a little while. As if I was looking around the room, trying to find a way out while he was sitting on that chair. Just staring at me.
It sent shivers down my spine.
I wasn't where I actually was.
That could freak anyone out.

Vanessa squeezed my hand tightly again, probably shocked to hear me say it.
"You're here", Lin said as he put his arm around my shoulders calmly and slowly, so I wouldn't be alarmed. It didn't scare me, and it didn't make me feel uneasy - instead, it felt safe. Like he was reminding me that I was in the living room of my own home, next to them.
Not anywhere else.
Not back there.
The thoughts were screaming in my mind to not do it, to do something else and to tap, tap, tap. I was on the edge of a spiral.
"I think it happened a lot", I whispered, my eyes blank and all watery. However, I was resisting the will to give in to the thoughts. And if I did, I didn't know how long I would stay conscious.
It's your fault.
It was resonant and loud.
It was your own fault.
I squeezed my eyes closed, almost violently, trying to get out of the room.
I didn't want to be there.
But I had to.
"I...", I began, tasting the words. "I...", I said again, but not a single more syllable came out of my mouth.
I couldn't go there.
But, I was already there.
Under him.
Pressing me down.
I started skipping for air.
"Take your time", Jade said, from somewhere. I couldn't really locate where anymore.
You're at home, I told myself. You're safe.
I was starting to feel even more sick.
I was blinking just as much as I did that night.

Scratch your arms.

It made me hold my breath.
I shook my head, manifesting my feelings and trying to resist.
I'll do anything but that.
Don't move.
"H-he um... looked at me. In between. And... and I b-blacked out, l-like defensively. A-and the blood on my arms dr-dried up. And th... then I was under him again. I... I couldn't breath... or I tried not t-to. S-so I w... would black out again", slowly making my way through the scene, while I actually just wanted to run and hide in my room, under the covers. "B... but it's not like I didn't... f-feel him. I w-was very much aware of w-what he was doing", not knowing how to put words to it.

I felt so small.

I took a deep breath, desperately trying to fill my lungs with oxygen so I wouldn't pass out now. Still fixed on the idea of getting through this. Because it would make it easier.
And it had to get easier.

"The last... last time I-I woke up, h-he was sat on t-the chair. H-holding a g... gun", and there he was, in front of me. The face could've be anyone's. And even more horrifying, the face was kind. Like someone you'd trust.
"He said some things", I managed to say, at first. "A... about me ruining others. About ruining you", I was speaking to Lin and Vanessa now. Even though I couldn't see them. "And that it was my fault my Dad was dead"
That was when it clicked for Lin and Vanessa.
I had said that it had been my fault.
Only now did they understand why.
My heart was literally pounding out of my chest, and my breath was short.
"He p-pointed the gun at me. Like, pressed it against m-my f-forehead. And th-then h-he tried to strangle me. But I stopped breathing on my own", my voice was weirdly clearer at that point, almost mechanical.
It was getting harder to breath now.

And next week I was supposed to be in the same room as him. Another wave of nausea came over me at that thought.

I was losing my sense of reality; my connection to the ground; my foothold.
"Why?", Jade asked me respectfully.
And, while I felt his hands on my throat, I replied.
"Because I thought it would be better if I killed myself, than him"
I could hear Lin take a deep breath next to me.
Vanessa, too. But for her, it sounded more controlled. And I knew that this must've been so hard for them to hear. They were trying to keep up a façade, to make me feel safe.

Looking back, I'm ever so thankful for that.

"Because you didn't want him to have the control", Vanessa said. It could've been a question, but it was a conclusion. She knew me well enough to understand that.
I nodded in the smallest way possible, scared to move - in case he would see me, or in case his hands would press even harder on my throat.
"Th-that's when the police c-came. He, um. H-he tried to shoot me when they shot him in the leg. It just missed me", I robotically said, feeling the bullet swoosh past my ear once again. "From there on I sh-shut down", quietly trying to make it to the end. By that moment, I could feel my entire body shaking from the exhaustion of revisiting the events. "I... it f... felt like I w-was dying"
My breaths were getting shorter, as I could still feel his hands pressing on my throat.
Blink, tap, twitch, count, scratch.
The routines had been with me all the way, but I hadn't let them get this loud until now.
I could feel myself heading towards a system shut down, in every inch of my body - from the top of my fingers to my spine.
It was creeping in on me.
Slowly, from behind.
And I had to do this.
Because maybe getting through this would minimise the possibility of a black out in the future.
"T-they carried me out. Th-then I w-woke up in the hospital", I said, finishing it off, feeling as if I was about to puke from exhaustion. It felt as if I had been talking for forever. However, it might only have been half an hour or so.

I had to get out.

"Can I go now?", I quickly asked, while waiting for the world to slowly transform back. But it didn't. Not really.
It had tipped over the edge.
I had to get out.
"Yeah ", Dr Noma replied. It was all needed.
I blinked away the tears, and stood up in a blur after letting go of Vanessa's hand. Tobi jumped off of me in surprise.
I was still there.
And I was still in the living room.
Why couldn't I go back?
I instantly felt lightheaded, but started walking either way.
"But, Rue, it's...", I could hear dr Noma trying to say something, but I was in my own bubble now.
Lin followed after me.
"Rue-", he said, but I didn't answer. Behind me, he had nodded towards Vanessa as if to say that he would take care of me, and that Vanessa could take care of them.

I could feel the world fall in on me, literally collapsing into a chaotic field of panic.
My legs were weak, and I was shaking, leaning against the wall as I tried to run.
Both him and I knew that I was on the verge of shutting down.
Mostly him.

I compulsively held my breath as I passed the spot in the hallway, almost stumbling on my own feet.
Lin catched up to me quickly, and put his hands around me so I wouldn't fall; trying to keep me upright.
"Hey, Niñita, please sit down", to which I violently shook my head, the tears now pouring down, as I was drowning in my own thoughts. "I've got you", he tried to assure me, but I just kept walking. The goal being the kitchen sink. And when I finally got there, I threw up from the stress.
In wept my way through it.
I hated throwing up. I absolutely despised it. It was so out of my control, and yet in my control. It was undecided and unpredictable.
I tried to have a tight grip around the edge of the sink, but I could feel myself fade away.
I still felt sick, but there was nothing left.
I could feel my eyes wander off into darkness.
I was going to fall, there was no doubt about it.
Lin was still holding me up, but as my legs completely gave up he tried to put me down on the floor.
"No, no, no...", I repeated quietly and obsessively, helplessly and desperately not wanting to shut down.
And then I unwillingly dropped my head, almost hitting the edge of the kitchen counter before Lin could catch it.
"Shhh, I've got you... I've got you", he said, holding me tight, as I slowly drowned in my own thoughts. "It's alright. You'll be okay"

Maybe I shouldn't have done this.
Maybe I should've just let it be.
Maybe I should've listened to them.
Because then I wouldn't be here.

I was completely out of it for a few minutes.
And when I got back, I wasn't completely back.

The thoughts didn't back down.

I was stuck in the kitchen for quite the while.
They left in that while.
I think they said goodbye.
I was too exhausted to notice that.

I somehow managed to get to my room with the help of Vanessa.
I tried to seem calm, but the thoughts were just as strong as before.
Hitting me like bullets.

I didn't dare to fall asleep.
Afraid for him to come even closer.
For me to be fully back there.
For not having a way out.
For being stuck in a nightmare.

Therefore, I just pretended to read a book.
And when it was time to sleep, I told them that I was fine.
They both knew I wasn't.
But, they let me be.

I picked up my phone, the light from the screen brightening up the pitch black room.
There was a few texts.
A meme from Carson.
I couldn't understand it.
Sepi, saying something about her day.
I don't know what.
Three texts from Dom.
Little updates throughout the afternoon and evening.
Two missed calls.
To be fair, I had completely disappeared after coming back from the dog walk.
But he never texted too much.
Or wondered where I went.
He just let me be.

<< Sorry, I just had a really shitty day. I'll be back tomorrow.

The I'll be back really only meant that I would probably be back mentally tomorrow.
I still wasn't sure.

The apartment was quiet.
I glanced at the clock.
2 am.
I still didn't dare to sleep.
Even though I was so tired.
Why couldn't I just be the way I used to?
I looked at the pinned up fabric on the mannequin.
Might as well do something, I thought.
Or, really, I had to do it.
And so I stood up, and got to work.
Completely lost in my own thoughts.

About an hour later Vanessa stood in my doorway.
"Hey, honey...", she said, trying to get my attention. I barely noticed, too focused to do something to keep my mind off of everything. She walked up to me, and put her hand on my shoulder. I jumped up in surprise, putting up my defences.
"It's just me, Rue-Rue", she assured me, as she put her hands on mine, trying to make me stop doing everything I felt like I had to do. Or the fact that I was obsessively occupating myself with making a dress because it gave me a purpose and a sense of normalcy.
"No...", I mumbled, clearly tired; almost dizzy from the fatigue. "I have to...", I started blinking, striving to feel more awake. But, really I just felt like I had to blink more.
"I know, I know. But maybe you can take a break? We'll watch a movie. Just for a little while, okay?", she suggested, her voice warm and quiet.

I slowly processed it, as other thoughts stood in the way. And so, I hesitantly nodded.

In all honesty, I only made it to about ten minutes into the movie. Because then I had fallen asleep on Vanessa's shoulder, finally letting the tiredness in while I was in the safety of her arms.

She stayed with me that entire night.

Just making sure I was safe.

And I was, with her.

I would always be safe there.

—————
Hello hello hello 👋
You made it through the chapter, yay!💓
Honestly I'm always a little scared that you will stop reading the long chapters because they're boring. So hopefully it wasn't boring, eh?😅

This one was a hard one for Rue. I think we can ~all~ agree on that. But it'll do her good to process it☀️
It was also really hard to write, because she's still so detached from some moments that she can't really put words into describing them. I mean, anything like this is hard to write - and read, for that matter💛

So, I'm officially one week into university. I'm already stressed. It's interesting, but I just don't think I'm interested enough. I've also read about 700 pages about nationalism. I think it'll take me a while to get used to it all because I get bored quite quickly when I read? Especially non-fiction. I'm like get to the point😌
But, hey, I still managed to write this! I mean, the goal is to finish this in this year. So I've got some work to do🙈

Q of the Day: Is there anything you want Rue to do/experience?💐
Me? -

Well, if you liked the chapter - please consider leaving a vote and comment💓

Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 25th of January, 2022