[A/N: A new chapter for all of you! And it's the 75th. What the fluff? It genuinely made me laugh. Who in their right mind would ever want to read 75 chapters of this?🥲 So to you all who are here, still reading this, thank you. Thank you so much. From me and Rue: I love you. I hope you like this💓]

I was walking a little behind Lin in the hallway, backstage at the Richard Rodgers Theater. He was holding my hand, reminding me that I wasn't alone. I had taken it the second we got out of the hallway; knowing that I wouldn't be able to walk a step if it wasn't for him. And I knew I wanted to be here and see these people so badly, but I had been shaking as we left the apartment. And Lin hadn't let go of my hand since.

He signed in for the matinee, as the final three weeks before the Tony Awards began today. He was going back full time to the show, because this was among the most important weeks of the year.

We were a little early, and didn't really pass anyone in the corridor until Amber said Hi! from her office, clearly a bit stressed about something as she was on the phone to someone.

I had barely heard her.
Because my mind was elsewhere.
On the paper of which I had written nothing on, to be specific.
On the fact that I had to stand in front of people; in front of him; in just two weeks.
On the fact that I had to be strong.
And show that he hadn't won.

"Keeping the show running, as always", Lin told Amber, smiling.
"Who else would?", she jokingly said, until she put her finger up, seeming to have come through to whoever she was talking to. "Yes, hi-"
We walked up a few flight stairs, and reached Lin and Jonathan's dressing room.
"Well, here we are", Lin said, putting down his backpack. I looked around the place. It looked exactly the same. "Not much has changed", he smiled at me.
"No-", I said back, sitting down on the couch. My eyes pinned at the framed picture at his table. "That's new", I pointed at it. It was a picture of us - the whole family - sitting together, smiling at the camera. I recognised the setting. It was right after they had given me the final adoption papers. I beamed at him.
"Yeah. Of course it had to join the collection", he told me, grinning as he unpacked his bag.
I tapped, just in case.
Suddenly we heard a knock on the door. Chris' head peaked inside.
"Hey, Lin! Here's the coffee...", he exclaimed, a little out of breath. I couldn't help but jump a bit, not in control of my irrational reflexes. "And hi Rue!", he added after seeing me on the couch. He walked inside.
"Hi Chris", I said back, trying to stay calm and take each minute as it came; feeling the wall inside building itself again.
"How are you, kiddo?", he asked, handing Lin the to-go cup.
"I'm alright. Excited to be here", I said, slowly piecing the sentence together as I tried to ignore the routines in my mind. "You?", I asked him as I was trying to remember how to have a conversation.
"I'm good, just good. Are you stage dooring today?", he turned to Lin, who had already probably drunk half the cup of coffee.
"No, wasn't planning on it", Lin said, and even though he didn't exactly mention it, I knew it was because of me. Chris nodded.
"Alright! I thought I'd get some playbills signed by as many people as possible, and hand them out at the stage door. I'll leave them on the table in the common room, so spread the word, will you?", Chris said, holding up a bunch of playbills. Lin grinned, nodding happily.
"Count on me", he said, and Chris walked off to his dressing room.
I fiddled with my hands, letting go to the routine as I tapped in the pattern I liked.
Relieved no one but Lin could see me.
"You should stage door, Lin... I don't-", but he cut me off, shaking his head, knowing where I was about to head with that sentence.
"No. You're not holding me up, Niñita. I usually don't stage door on two dow shays", he reassured me, saying the same things he always said. And, he was looking right at me as he knew I would always assume he was lying.
He didn't seem to be.
"Plus, V and Seb are coming to pick you up after the show and I wanna see them", and while Lin said that, he took my hand so I wouldn't tap.
"Okay", I gave in, and forced myself to believe that what he was saying was true.
"So...", he began, only took look at his clock. "People are going to start turning up in the next five to ten minutes. Do you wanna come along and say hi?"
Hesitantly, I nodded, and put on a smile.
I had to remind myself that this was why I'd even asked the question to come to the Rodgers' in the first place - that even now, when the thought of people's faces seemed scary, I was doing this for myself.
Everything was a step forward.
"And you'll tell me when it gets too much?", he kindly asked, looking out for me in every way possible.
"I will, Lin", I said, rolling my eyes. I was trying to sound sarcastic, like a teenager would, but he knew I was just trying to cover up my stressed out mind.
He laughed, maybe because he was excited to see me crack a joke again.
"Good. Let's go", and took my hand as he lead the way, constantly letting me know the he was by my side at all times.

We got to the girls' dressing room first.
They were blasting Beyoncé at max volume.
"Hello, hello, hello", Lin said, overriding the music. Philippa noticed him first, having literally just come through the door, as she was taking of her jacket. "Break a leg today, you guys!", grinning at them. Jasmine laughed, rolling her eyes.
"Honestly why not just say 'good luck'?", to which she received a loud gasp from the other people in the room; including Lin. "It's just a stupid superstition..."
"Bad luck!", Renée exclaimed, a little offended. Jasmine giggled a little, clearly not a fan of superstitions and excited to stir the pot.
"If literally anything goes wrong today, Jazz, I will blame it on you", Pippa told her, as she began to put out the makeup from her drawer.
Jasmine laughed in an evil way.
If anything goes wrong today it'll be your fault.
It echoed in my head.

It will be my fault.
My fault.

I blinked excessively.
Tapped a little more.
Thinking of biting my tongue, but holding back the best I could.
"Oh, hi Rue! Didn't see you there!", Renée kindly greeted me as she had managed to see me, hiding by the doorway and behind Lin. The rest of them started saying hi too, clearly excited to see me.
I couldn't help but feel as if I was in the way.
I guess that feeling was never going to leave me.
"Hey guys", I said back, putting on a smile. I needed to look the part.
"Wait, wait-", Pippa said, looking through the things on her dresser. She grabbed a yellow crocheted bee keychain, and handed it over to me. "A fan gave me this at the stage door and said it was for you. So, it's been sitting by my mirror, waiting for you", she said, beaming at me. I hesitantly took it in my hands, holding it tightly.
"That's so cute", I told her, a little shaky on my breath, as I looked at the tiny bee. "Tell them thanks from me if you see them again", I managed to say, struggling to put the words together - slightly overwhelmed by everyone wanting to talk to me.
"Hey kid!", I heard Oak exclaim behind me. I looked back over my shoulder, still a bit stiff, and tried to pick myself up and push through. "We've missed you!", but he didn't try to hug me, like he had always done. It was a relief. Even though, in some way, I wanted to hug these people so badly.
"I've missed you all too!", I told him, as Lin and I followed to his and Anthony's dressing room, where Beyoncé was blasting through the speakers too.
I still kept my distance, stuck to Lin's side, as I was tapping frantically.
They talked a little, but I could feel myself zoning out. I said my his and missed yous but I wasn't really listening as we moved from room to room.
I was keeping my head down, looking at my hands while I tapped in the pattern I liked - the only thing that kept me grounded. In my head, I desperately counted every that came to mind. I swallowed anxiously as I fought the urge to do more visible routines, still scared of how people would react if they saw me doing them.

After a while I stopped behind Lin, and squeezed his hand, as we on our way to talk to some other people.
At the same time, Ariana passed us running.
"Hello, hello!", she exclaimed, probably late.
I didn't need to say it back, because she was gone with the wind as I forced myself to look up. Relieved, I turned to Lin, practically exhausted.
"Lin, s-sorry-", I said, as we were walking up the stairs. "Too much", and with that I had broken the one rule my mind had come up with - to not admit to anyone that you're not fine. My legs were shaking, as I held onto the railing with a tight grip.
In hindsight, Lin already knew that it had gotten too much, and we were really already on our way back to his dressing room. But he didn't want me to know that.
"Okay, okay, Niñita. We'll just go back then. It's alright", he said, letting me press pause for a while, as people walked past us in a hurry.
Before I knew it, I was blinking, twitching and tapping.

They can see you.

The thought made me feel sick.
Maybe I wasn't ready.
What was I doing here?
Why did I think this would be wise?
I'll never make it.
I'll never get better.
I'll never be able to take the stand.
Why did I ever try?

I instantly took a step and practically rushed back to the room I knew.

"Take it easy, Niñita", Lin said, clearly a bit confused and stressed about my behaviour.
I was counting every step, avoiding the cracks between the floorboards. "Rue, please-"
But I just continued.

As we entered the dressing room, Lin closed the door behind us, and I let go of his hand. I took a seat on the couch - the one I always took - hoping that I could wait out the routines, the thoughts and the shaking.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry", I said it three times because I thought it otherwise wouldn't make up for it. "I just have to wait for this to pass. Go, get ready, I'll be fine, Lin", literally word-vomiting the excuses I could come up with. I had now started twitching, blinking and tapping simultaneously. And very visibly.
"I'll be fine", I said again, afraid the first time wasn't enough. I tapped harder. Relieved no one but someone I truly knew could see.
Lin sat next to me, not doing what I had just told him to.
"What's on your mind?", he asked, looking kindly at me as he let me do my routines, knowing better than to interfere with them at that moment.
I shook my head by instinct.
"Okay", Lin concluded, saying it slowly as if he was thinking about what to say next. "Is it because others could see you?"
I had my eyes pinned on my hands as I carefully counted each tap, refusing to stop. Hesitantly, I nodded.
"Sort of", I pushed the words out. "I thought I could hold up to it"
Lin nodded, signalling that he understood me.
"You don't have to. Nobody thinks less of you if they see you do your routines", he told me calmly, explaining it simply so I could take it in. "I'm just glad you told me when it was too much", reassuring me that I had done the right thing. His words were kind, but before I knew it, I had protested angrily.
There was just too much going on.
And I couldn't control anything but me.
And sometimes I couldn't even do that.
I looked up at him, straight in the eye, furious.
"But people care, Lin! They always will.
And I do. I have to stand in a courtroom full of people in two weeks, and I barely lasted a minute here-", I bursted out, desperately pouring my worries out.
"And we told you that you don't have to do it, Rue", Lin said trying to meet me with facts, and reassure me with the obvious.
It only made me more annoyed.
"And I told you and Vanessa that I have to do it", I snapped back, yet embarrassed by my actions. Lin started speaking again.
"I know, Niñita, we're just worried about you-", but I cut him off, almost shouting at this point.
"Well, don't be! I want to do it. I have to show him that I'm fine. Just fine. I can't break down. I have to be fine, okay?", I pieced the words together slowly, realising my own thoughts. Lin didn't seem to get angry at my defensive behaviour, but I was still scared he might. But, the words were just pouring out of me at this point.
"If I'm weak - it means that he's won. He can't see that", yet in that moment I sounded so weak; so broken.
I was still refusing to say his name.
Lin put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in. He wasn't mad at me for snapping at me: Only now did I realise that my eyes had teared up.
Look what you've done.
They've been so kind to you.
They took you in.
And this is how you repay them?
By shouting at them?
"Sorry, Lin, I didn't mean to-", I began, trying to dry my eyes before he could realise I was crying. I felt so bad, the thoughts weighing me down.
"It's alright. You can get mad at us", Lin said, not even slightly offended, but caring for me.
"But-", I began and kept the tears inside.
Just shut up.
You're doing nothing good.
"You can always get angry, Rue", Lin continued, cutting me off. "Especially at me and Vanessa. That's what parents are for", he calmly told me, explaining it as if it was obvious.

It's your fault.

I nodded after a while, accepting his words. At least so that he could see it. Inside, I made a vow to not protest against anything again. I didn't deserve that. Lin nodded, grinning a little.
"You okay?", he checked with me quickly.
"I'm okay, Lin", I said, but really, I had just pushed the thoughts aside - they were going to attack me later. He let go of me and stood up, walking towards his desk.
"Is Nico and Amanda working today?", I asked in order to change the subject, as I continued to tap and blink. Lin was putting his hair up, and checked the time.
"Yeah, why?", he replied.
"Thought I could be there during the show", I told him, as I was thinking that the costumes section was the only other place in here where I would feel safe. Lin looked a little surprised, but hid it well with a smile.
"Sure"

I knocked on the doorframe as I peeked inside, Lin standing behind me, as if he was doing drop off at daycare.
"Hello!", Lin said loudly, making an entrance.
"Hey guys", I said awkwardly, looking over the small room that somehow came off as big - filled with costumes and props to the brink.
Nico looked up instantly.
"Hi Rue! We heard you were back at the Rodger's", Nico cheerfully greeted me, all while trying to fix up a broken corset. Word really does travel fast.
Suddenly, Amanda emerged from the hallway of clothes, grinning while carrying what seemed to be three coats.
"Thought I heard your voice", she told me, piling the coats onto Lin. "And now, while you're here Lin. Get these to Daveed, Anthony and Oak, will you?", but she didn't wait for a reply, and was already on her way to grab something from her work station.
"Is it okay if Rue stays here with you during the show?", Lin asked, struggling to find a way of carrying the coats in a good way.
I was tapping. And blinking. A lot.
I was trying to hide it - didn't want them to see.
"Of course! We've got a lot of catching up to do", Nico said, smiling.
"Yes, come in, come in", Amanda said, back again, with another coat. "And here's yours", she handed it over to Lin, happy with herself.
"Alright, alright. See you at intermission, Rue-Rue?", he said, looking at me with a little worry on his face. I nodded.
"See you at intermission", I said back, and he hugged me quickly, as well as he could with all that he was carrying. All to make me feel a smidge better and safer.
We'd already gone over what I was supposed to do if I got panicky; when we'd talked about me coming to the Theater yesterday. Vanessa was on standby, and was supposed to show up at the end of the show. But, they had made it more than clear that I could call her at any point. I had been nodding along, but the truth was that I didn't want to bother them.
Even though I knew I could.
Even though that's what parents are for according to them.
Even though I knew that it was my right.
In all honesty, I was still getting used to this.
Lin let go of me, and walked away.
"So, do you want to sit on the couch and chat for a while, or would you like to help us with some minor sewing?", Nico said as he looked at me brightly, trying to catch my attention.
I carefully replied.
"I... I can help out. I just haven't sewed in a while", I replied, walking slowly so I wouldn't step on any cracks between the wooden floor planks.
I hadn't touched anything that I liked doing when I went quiet. I hadn't had the energy - nor the motivation. It's like the things that used to be fun required too much of me. Like I wasn't worth it.
And now, since the hospital, I hadn't been allowed to use my sewing machine. It was a precaution - and I could see why. Like my meds, the scissors, needles and knives had been locked away. In case I couldn't control myself.
Though, truth be told - I had been scared to begin again. Because I wasn't sure if I was ready to.
"Oh, you'll get back into it, it's like riding a bike, dear!", Amanda shouted from somewhere in the costumes.
"Sure", and with that, Nico handed me a very familiar coat. Mr Samuel Seabury's.

"Pleaaase tell me you fixed my coat, my backup just isn't the same-", the voice of Thayne broke into my bubble, as he stepped into the room, literally begging.
I held up the coat - three new buttons, a fixed rip in one of the arms and a mended pocket.
"It's done", I told him quietly, handing it towards him.
"Rue! You're here!", he exclaimed, all excited. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!", he took it, and put it on instantly. "Feels like home"
I giggled a little, but started tapping the moment it left my hands. He kept his distance. Probably because of the incident last time I was at the theater.
"No problem", I said, looking at my phone. Dom had texted me a gif of someone studying. I glanced at the time. Only two hours left until I could get out of here and back home.
"I've gotta go, but save me some tea for next time, I've got so much to tell you Rue-", he said, all excited.
"Of course, Thayne", I smiled at him brightly, his happiness contagious.
"Wait!", he said, almost instructing himself to do so. He fumbled with his phone. "Maybe take a selfie to commemorate you being here? If you don't mind-"
I laughed a little, trying to yet again, fit the part of the Rue I used to be.
"Sure", I told him, as he posed, and smiled only the way he could, in front of the selfie camera, with me beaming in the background. I had pulled down the sleeves over my hands, worried my scars might show, as I tried to hide the stress behind my eyes.
"Thanks, see you after the show!", Thayne squealed, as he ran off through the corridor.
In that moment, as I returned to doing some small fixes to a corset, I felt happy - and in some way proud of myself to have come here. Despite having not wanted to at all. And there was no surprise that my phone beeped with a Twitter notification only a few minutes later.

@thaynejasperson:
Herge, herge!🎉 My favorite kid is back at the Theater!🎭 @ruemarkable

And to it, the selfie was attached.
I looked sort of happy. And deep down I was - it was just that the worries had already taken over today. At least my scars didn't show.
I wrote a reply.

@ruemarkable:
@thaynejasperson and I got to meet my fave Thayne🎉

"Hey Niñita?", Lin said from the doorway, trying to get my attention. I looked up, relieved.
"Hey!", I exclaimed, a little too quickly. Lin didn't look surprised, only as if his suspicions were right.
"V and Seb got here a bit early, so if you want, you can go home now?", he asked me, hiding his concern with kindness.
"Yeah, sure", I replied. Again, a little too quickly.
Because I was so relieved I could go home.
That I wouldn't have to feel this uneasy anymore.
He nodded, smiling to the side, as I collected my things and handed it back to Nico.
"Thanks for letting me be here", I told him, looking up at the two of them. At the same time, I was fighting every cell in my body that just wanted to get out and go home as quickly as possible.
"You're always welcome here", Nico said, his voice warm and thoughtful. I nodded, and turned to Lin, taking his hand. I walked with him back to his and Jon's dressing room, and noticed that I was indeed shaking a bit as I tried to avoid the cracks between the floorboards.
The thoughts were too heavy now, literally weighing me down. I felt weak in the knees, but in the worst way possible and I didn't know for how much longer they would be able to carry me.
Look at you.
You can't do anything.
I told you so.
As soon as I saw Vanessa I hugged her, desperately thanking her for being early.
I let my guard down in her embrace.
"Hey...", Vanessa said, almost a little surprised by my actions, but going with it. I let go, trying to impede my routines and my shaking body.
I took my backpack, focusing on doing it correctly. With my other hand, I grabbed the little crocheted bee. The water had tipped over the edge without me noticing it; until I could see the end.
"See you at home", I said, hugging Lin, as a way of thanking him for probably calling Vanessa. He seemed just as surprised as her for me to hug someone, than it being the other way around.

And maybe it was the first time I had done so in a while.

We said goodbye, and got out of the Theater as swiftly as possible - Sebastian on her left arm, me holding her right hand.
I only dared to let go when we got to the car.
Vanessa tried to make some small talk, but I was too tired to realize as I was focused on staying awake until we got home - because the second I sat down on my bed, I laid down and fell asleep.

And all I had on my mind was how I had made no progress.
And how I had no idea what to write. Or say.
Or how I would stand in that room - in front of all those people. All those eyes, looking at me. Expecting me to speak when I didn't even know how to exist.
I had to get used to this again.
What had I gotten myself into?

—————
Hello, hello! 👋
For some reason this chapter took a little longer to write than expected, but I hope that's okay💓 Also, Rue got to see some of the cast again - which was very exciting to write ✍️ It's building up towards the trial. And everything around it. Like, the Tonys. And her trying to go back to the person she once was💐

So, for the upcoming chapters, what do you want more of? Rue with friends? Meeting more of the cast? Rue and Dom? Rue and Carson? Sepi? Therapy? Chill day at home? Tell me in the comments!😌

Since the last chapter, I've finished my Christmas shopping and my town has had the first fall of snow. It's managed to melt and come back like three times already. And I've officially slipped and hurt my knee, which was a bummer because it was light out and I was walking on a sanded sidewalk😂 The question that remains is how I managed to bike home from the bus stop when it was pitch black out without falling?😅

Anyways, I'm trying to write as much as I possibly can. My goal for this gap year is to finish this story. But I'm having a hard time parting with it, haha. Considering this is the 75th chapter? How? Gosh, thank you all for reading this far. Truly, I love you❤️

Q of the Day: Are you writing a fanfic? If so, I would love to give it a read🌟
Me? -

So, now, have the loveliest of days! And, if you'd like, please leave a comment or a vote🌷

Sincerely,
H

Published: 10th of December, 2021