[A/N: I wrote this so quickly. The words just flew out of my mind and onto paper. Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions. Enjoy!💐]

When I got back, I was on the floor.
I could hear Lin and Vanessa talking, sounding more concerned than they usually did. Yet, I couldn't make out what they were saying.
I realised that I was crying; my cheeks were wet, and it had run down onto my neck.
My vision was blurry, due to a mix of tears and getting used to the lighting. Without thinking about it, I sat straight up. Vanessa instantly jumped up next to me, not prepared for me to move.
"Woah, Rue, take it easy-", Vanessa's voice said, clearly sounding relieved, as she broke through the barrier for the first time in who knows how long. I instantly resumed to twitching, tapping and blinking. Like nothing had happened. Except the fact that I was exhausted, and felt almost sick. I panically started looking across the room, my breath getting faster.
"Shhh, honey. It's okay. You're here, you're here with us", she continued, putting her arms around me, and hugged me tightly. She tried to cover up her worrisome voice, but it still shone through.
From a few meters away, I heard Lin say something out of relief.
"Oh, thank god", it was quiet, but I heard him.
I was still shaking.
It hadn't stopped.
It usually did.
Why hadn't it stopped?
I still felt uneasy, like I wasn't really there.
I desperately looked around me, panically trying to make sense of everything.
Lin was standing just a few feet away, holding Sebastian, who was having a meltdown. Lin, on the other hand, looked more concerned and stressed than he usually did after one of my attacks, but was trying to calm down Sebastian. He turned his head from Sebastian to me, unable to focus on the both of us.
I swallowed.
Sebastian was crying.
Something must've happened.
I must've done something.
"Rue, Niñita, please say something", Vanessa said, calmly letting go of me, her eyes staring directly into mine.
This is all your fault.
"W-what?", I managed to say, slightly confused, my hands shaking as I had to support my weight, while sitting up. "W-what's going on? What did I do?", desperately trying to make sense of the situation.
Your fault.
I saw her exhale out of relief.
"You were out for a while, Niñita", Lin said, bobbing Sebastian up and down. Only now did I realise he was holding his phone, ready to make a call. I swallowed again, the worries flooding over me. I'd scared them this time. Really scared them. "But, Rue-Rue, it's okay. It's okay", the response coming as soon as he saw my worried face.
"Sorry", the apology coming out of my mouth before I'd even processed what he'd said.
"No, no. Don't be sorry. You can't control it. You know this, Niñita. We just got a little worried", Vanessa said, squeezing my hand.
Still, I was shaking.
This is your fault.
I forced myself to nod; to somehow communicate with them.
So I wouldn't scare them further.
So I wouldn't be in the way.
It didn't feel like it usually did afterwards.
It was just as bad as before.
It had a grip around my heart; and it wouldn't settle.
I felt stuck.
Stuck in my ways.
I squinted my eyes closed; trying to endure the pain of routines piling up, as I pulled my legs up into fetal position.
"V-", I managed to say, exhausted from the panic that wouldn't stop. "It... it won't go", my heart was still racing like before. "It won't stop", and I broke down into tears, my voice breaking as I said it. "It won't s-stop"
I was still refusing to touch my arms, though they were hurting from not being scratched up - practically screaming to be harmed.
She took me in her arms.
"The... there's so much to do, V... ", I rambled on, helplessly putting the words together, gasping for air in between the sobs.
"I know, honey. I know"

I don't know how long I sat like that; nor how long she sat with me. I didn't register the things around me. Sebastian stopped crying at some point. Lin moved around, putting away the food on the table that barely had been eaten. He asked Vanessa something, but I couldn't hear what. I was just in this constant state of fear, the thoughts echoing in my head.

Look what you've done.

I don't even know how I got into bed that night, or if I got any sleep at all. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't care. I didn't have the energy to. All I could do was all those things I had to do. Besides that, I didn't have anything left in me.

Everything was muted again.

I went quiet.

And I was exhausted.

All I knew was that I could not be in the same room as him.

But, in the back of my mind, an independent thought grew.
A thought of my own.
That - maybe I had a choice.
Maybe I could be in the same room as him.

And maybe I needed to be in the same room as him.

Vanessa's POV
Time went slowly after Ruth's blackout. Both Lin and I were stressed - we knew that the news about the trial would hit her badly, but we hadn't thought that she'd go quiet again. Yet, we didn't want to keep her in the dark - we had learned the hard way that it was better to tell her these things, than for her to find out herself.

On Sunday morning, Lin had to leave to work on Moana in LA. The timing wasn't the best, but it wasn't debatable.
"V, are you sure that I shouldn't stay? I can probably reschedule to next week-", he said quietly, gathering his things at the last minute as he hadn't packed yet.
"Go, Lin. Don't cancel. We'll be okay", I told him, taking a sip of my morning coffee, even though I wasn't sure of what I was saying.
Neither of us had gotten much sleep.
Sebastian had refused to go to sleep, and I had sat in Rue's room for the times she woke up screaming.
I looked over at Rue, who was sitting on the sofa in the living room. She was quietly watching whatever was on TV. Fidgeting with her hands. Tobi was laying next to Rue, looking at her with longing eyes. Wondering why she wasn't petting her.
She hadn't said a thing since last night.
Only nodded.
Or shook her head.
And it broke my heart.
Because I still heard her broken voice say that it wouldn't stop.
"It's not optimal, but we'll be okay", I said, and kissed Lin briefly as I walked over to the living room.
"Yeah", he nodded, and closed up his carryon, as he briefly looked at his watch with stress on his face. "I have to go now, my cab's here", he said quietly, so that Rue wouldn't hear the last part. He followed me into the living room and picked up Sebastian from his playmat, hugging him tightly.
"Bye, little man. Daddy will be home in three days, okay?", Lin said, kissing Sebastian's temple before putting him down. "I'll miss you so much", but Sebastian used his newfound skill of rolling his eyes, playing dramatic. I giggled. Then, Lin turned to Rue, squatting down in front of her so that he could be at her eye-level.
"Hey, Niñita, I'm going away for work for a few days", he put his hand on her hand, carefully squeezing it. She nodded lightly. The small act giving me hope. "I'll miss you, okay?", he continued, and waited a little while to see if she would react. Even though we both knew that the chances of that were slim. "Bye", he squeezed her hand again and stood up, looking at me sadly, trying to smile a little, as he hugged me goodbye.
"See you in three days, then", I said back, kissing him one last time before he would go.
Neither of us knew what to do.
She was just so quiet.
So empty.
So unruelike.

Lin left and the day passed slowly. I managed to get another nod out of her, but her eyes were blank - as if she wasn't really there. As I didn't want to leave her alone, I asked our neighbour ms Nuñez to take Tobi on a walk when she was to go with her own dog. It was as if the world had been set on pause for Rue, but it was still spinning for the rest of us. I played with Sebastian, tried to keep him occupied until he had to go to sleep, and then I tried to keep myself occupied with work. Rue just kept to herself, not making a sound. She didn't say a thing. She barely ate. She even breathed quietly. As if she didn't want to bother us. She just sat, and stared blankly into the air. But I couldn't just worry. The world was still spinning. Even though it seemed to go much slower.

The next night was filled with screams.
And Rue seemed to hate herself for it. She was kicking herself for it, getting even quieter after. Literally beating herself up.
I didn't know if I made it any better, as I sat with her, trying to calm her until she got back to sleep. Yet, it made me feel at ease to sit with her. Even when her heartbreaking screams were never-ending; tearing my heart into pieces each time. Because maybe, if I held her, she wouldn't feel so lonely.

"Honey, you need to eat", I said to Rue at the kitchen table during breakfast the next morning. She took a spoonful of yoghurt and practically forced it down. I sighed within.
My parents had already picked up Sebastian, more than happy to watch him for the day. But, most of all, it would make it easier for me to take care of Rue. She put down the spoon again and started tapping instead.
I let myself give up.
"Okay, Rue-Rue", I told her. "But, we have to go. You've got therapy", to which she instantly shook her head. She didn't even seem to think about it.
Her response threw me off.
She never really said no to therapy.
She rarely protested; always went there.
Even though it was a bad day.
Because she knew it always made her feel better at the end of the day.
I repeated myself.
"Niñita, you know you have to go to therapy", though I didn't want to seem strict, or sound cross. She was still looking down, unreachable.
And then, in the most quiet way possible, she uttered four words. I didn't know whether to celebrate it, or if it just made me even more worried for.
"I don't want to", she said decidedly, and the fact that she was talking made me cheer from happiness within. The fact that it didn't sound like her made me concerned.
This wasn't good.
I tried to collect myself to persuade her to go.
"I know, but you know it makes you feel better afterwards?", I tried to say in order to change her mind.
She shook her head again, violently this time. In the corner of my eye I could see that she had started tapping even harder. I sighed. Aloud.
"Okay", I told her, squeezing her hand so she wouldn't tap so hard. "That's okay. We'll try again tomorrow"

Rue refused to go the next day too.
Her eyes kept looking at me blankly.
As if she wasn't really there.
She kept quiet; barely ate, talked or did anything. And it seemed to get worse. As if she was scared to be in the way, or upset someone. It was as if we'd gone back to how it was before her suicide attempt. Like all the progress had been wiped out by a single moment.

I looked at her from across the table, where I was sat working on my laptop. Trying to understand; if it was even possible.
She had a book on her lap, but she didn't seem to be reading. More or less, she seemed to be thinking of something. As if a single thought was occupying her mind - because she was doing different routines consistently, keeping herself occupied. Yet, her facial expression stayed the same. Her mind seemed to be somewhere else than where she was.
And at that very moment, I just wished that we hadn't shown her the letter at all. That we'd let her stay out of it. That maybe we had taken on more than she could manage; maybe we had been naïve. Because now she was fighting a battle with herself. And I couldn't help her win it. Even though I was trying - basically pulling myself into pieces to make her feel better. To try and just be there.

As I watched her empty self sitting in the sofa, I anxiously swallowed. Truth was, I truly didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to make it better for her. Because if the last few days had been a mush of blur and worry for me; I could only imagine what it had been for her.

"Is she any better?", Lin asked me over the phone as he was calling me from the airport the next morning. He had just landed, which meant he was about an hour away from home. We'd been talking every day, catching up as we were trying to figure out what to do.
"No. She's asleep now, though. So that's good. I didn't want to wake her up just yet. I'm just trying to let her get some sleep", I said, running my hands through my hair. It was the evening now, but Rue had fallen asleep around three pm. "She's still just... so quiet", I told him, my voice breaking. I was standing in the kitchen, talking quietly in case Sebastian would wake up, and in case Rue would hear - as our conversation would only upset her.
"I know", he agreed with me, and began to say something, but that's when I heard Rue behind me. The light tone of her voice almost shocked me - it was something I'd wanted to hear so badly in the last three days.
But something told me this wasn't good.
"V?", her voice hesitant, yet clear. In all honesty, she even sounded scared. Just hearing her voice made my heart beat faster.
I turned around quickly, and hung up in an instant - knowing that Lin wouldn't mind. He knew it was important if I hung up; which meant that the reason could be Rue.
"Yeah, Niñita?", I said, laying my eyes on her. Her face looked at me shyly and frightened, her eyes shameful - almost embarrassed. But, it was more than the empty pits I had gotten used to seeing in her.

That's when I saw the blood on her arms. Dark red, covering her wrists.

And the perfectly imperfect scratches.
Some of it was still running down, some already dried. She held a paper tissue over the biggest cut, so that it wouldn't come on the floor. At the same time, she was tapping. My heart sank. I'd only looked away for one minute. If I had only sat in there, with her. If I had only skipped Lin's call. Maybe I would've been able to stop her.
"I'm so s-sorry. I re-really didn't want to. I ju-just wa-wanted you to know. I'll clean it up", she apologised, ashamed of what she'd done and disappointed in herself at the same time.
Whereas I was just relieved that she came to tell me; that she hadn't kept it to herself.
That she'd remembered that she could tell me. And, that she'd remembered that she should tell me.
I just wanted to hold her.
And tell her that it was okay.
"No, no, Rue-Rue. I'll help you", I said, but she had already turned around to get to the bathroom. Trying to do things herself, because she was ashamed of it. Just trying to fix everything. I quickly followed, and grabbed a towel from the fresh laundry that was drying in the hallway. I took her arm that didn't have a paper towel on it, and pressed it against the scratch wounds to stop the bleed. She winced, almost unnoticeably. "Sorry, I know it hurts, I know", I said, the hurting look on her face leaving a pit in my heart, even though she tried so hard to hide it.

It was as if it was painful, but that she didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the cuts were hurting her. As if something else was prioritised above it.

"C'mon, hop up", I kindly instructed her to sit on the counter, while trying to collect myself as I opened the cupboard to find some antibacterial soap and another towel. She did as I said, and sat there quietly as I dabbed the cuts gently with water to begin with.
She didn't utter a sound; nor a word.
Even though it hurt.
I looked up at her before I started with the antibacterial solution.
"This is going to be a little painful, Rue", I said, even though we both knew that. We'd been through this before. She looked at me, her eyes pits of nothingness. Just blank. And she blinked constantly. Not a nod in sight.
I started. And, just as earlier, she didn't make a single sound.
I looked at her arms.
The scratches were specific.
Always in the same spots.
Still, it looked random.
An attempt to make it look normal.
Perfectly imperfect.
And it my heart break into pieces.
I carefully cleaned them, the bleeding finally stopping after a while.
I didn't know if her quiet facade made the situation better. I was used to it, but somehow I wished that she would react to the pain. Anything was better than the quiet.
I just wanted her to be there.

As I put the bandages on her arms, she seemed to get a little less stiff. Like her exposed wounds made her worried. Still, she didn't make a sound. Quiet as a mouse.

I started putting the things away, and threw the used towels in the washing machine instantly. Rue hadn't moved a single inch from her spot. It was as if she didn't dare to move; scared of what was going to happen if she did.
On the verge of doing something, but she was held back by something. Something that was keeping her pinned down. I smiled at her, trying to keep the edge of the situation.
Just trying to make her feel a little bit better.
"It's alright ,Rue", I said, putting my hand on hers, as she was already tapping away. "Let's go", I told her, opening the door again. But she kept still, stuck in her thoughts.
Maybe even stuck in the past.
Halfway out the door, I heard her say something behind me. I didn't know what, it wasn't a full word; like she had cut herself off right after she'd began.

But it was something.

And that something seemed like everything after she hadn't spoken in the last three days.
When I turned around, she seemed to be punishing herself for it.
"Niñita?", I asked her, but she twitched to the side as she tried to say it again; fiddling with her hands at the same time. Literally fighting a battle I couldn't fight with her.
I worriedly looked at her.
This was so far from the girl she was on Saturday. It was so frightening to see the change. How it could go so quickly, from one moment to another. How she could go so quiet. She shook her head, and jumped down from the counter. It looked as if she had to use all of her will to do so. But, she didn't start to walk, as if she was frozen to her place.
I took her hand calmly, under the impression that she was scared that she was going to scratch her arms again if she walked out that door.
"It's okay, Ruthie. You can tell me. I promise", trying to reassure her in every way possible. I didn't know what she was feeling, or going through. I just tried to make her feel better. Though, she instantly slipped her hand out of my grip, resuming to tapping.
She twitched to the side, like she was trying to avoid and defend herself from a thought as she squinted her eyes closed.
"W-what if...", Rue began, pushing through as she forced the words out of her mouth. She looked up at me with a purpose in her look. "What... what if I... I would-", she took a deep breath, and twitched to the side again. More violently this time. "W-what if I w-would take the s-stand? What if I were to testify?"
Her question left me speechless.
This was what she'd been obsessing over; this was what she had been thinking about over the last few days.
And she still acted as if she'd said something forbidden. Like she'd gone against herself.
Trying to keep myself together, I replied.
"It's not something you have to do Rue, like we talked about-", I worriedly told her, but she cut me off.
"But if I want to?", the words sounded painful as they came out of her mouth, yet still so innocent. As though it was something she wasn't supposed to be saying. And; she seemed to be beating herself up for saying it, her routines getting harsher by each word.
I had only thought about it briefly - but the scenario in my head had left me worried and scared for her. I didn't want her to be worried. I didn't want her to feel so little. I didn't want her to get worse. And all that was associated with the trial. All I could see was her; passed out from fear. All too well.
I swallowed anxiously.
"I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Niñita", I hesitantly began to say, even though I didn't want to let her down. She looked at me helplessly. "He'll get sentenced to many, many, years anyway", I said, trying to get her to change her mind. She shook her head, still forcing herself to say the words.
"I know- but, what if my words will make a difference?"
The question left me stunned this time.
She wanted this.
She really wanted to do this.
She sounded so innocent, almost scared to ask the question.
Like saying it out loud made it real.
I looked at her unsurely.
Yet, she seemed so sure.
Rue took a deep breath.
"I want him to know what he's done"
She spoke with such power.
Such purpose.
I couldn't possibly deny her.
Even though it might drain her.
Even though it might make her worse.
"I know. We'll talk about it when Lin gets home, alright?", I said, knowing that there was nothing stopping her when she had put her mind to something.
Even though, this time, she seemed to go against herself.
She nodded.
Still sure.

"Is this what's been on your mind the last few days?", I asked her a little later, as we sat next to each other on the sofa. Rue was a little more comfortable now, letting her guard down slowly. She'd even let me sit next to her, her head resting against my shoulder. I couldn't help but feel whole again; that her presence had been the missing piece.
"Yeah", she said. "Sorry", the answer was almost automatic. I kissed her temple in response, and let my hand pet her head.
"It's alright", I said. Even though the past few days had been filled with worry, stress and concern for her; it was okay now. And I always knew that she could get back. It was just a matter of when. And this time, it had been bad. The fact that I remembered the last time all too well. And I didn't know if I could handle finding her lifeless, laying on the floor, again.
Behind us I could hear the door unlock and open.
"Hello!", Lin's voice filled the apartment.
"We're in the living room", I yelled back, but quietly as I could already feel Rue getting tense. Maybe because she got scared from the sound, or maybe it was because she had to talk about it again.
"Hey you", he said, standing in the doorway. He sounded surprised to see Rue sit so close to me. She turned her head around.
"Hey you", she said back, even with a smile on her face. Even though she fought to say it. My heart melted. Lin's too, it seemed. As she turned her head back, he looked at me with a stunned and surprised face. I nodded back, unable to put my thoughts to words.
"Are you watching the latest Brooklyn 99 without me?", he asked, putting on a shocked face.
"No, no. It just started", I said, laughing as I switched to another channel. "We would never!", I innocently said, putting on a smug face. Lin laughed too, but I could see that he had now noticed the new bandages on Rue's arms. He tried to hide the sad look on his face, as he started petting Tobi who was rather excited to see him. I muted the TV, and Lin looked up.
"Huh?", he gave me a confused face. By now, Rue had her head down, fiddling with her hands.
"Rue told me she wants to testify", I told him calmly. His face gave me a concerned look. He probably saw the same things I did when thinking about her and the trial.
"Okay", he said, trying to get Rue's attention. "Are you sure?"
Rue looked up, nodding.
She still looked so sure.
Lin nodded, still processing the information.
"I think I'll regret it if I don't", she said, carefully putting the words together.
"Okay", Lin said again. Still a bit shocked considering the change in Rue's behaviour. "V?", he asked for my opinion, and both of their eyes turned to me.
"If you want to do it, I think you should. I just don't want it to affect you negatively, you see?", I told her, half-hugging her with the arm I had around her shoulders.
She nodded.
Took a deep breath.
And, considering this afternoon's happenings, I couldn't imagine what she was about to say.
"I s-see him everywhere. Just the thought of being in the s-same room... as him, I-", she began, the words so painfully honest. Her eyes wide open, truly scared. She twitched to the side. And I once again saw her beating herself up for saying what she wasn't supposed, as she continued. "I don't know. I don't. I just think that... that if I see see him one last time, I won't see him anymore", she swallowed, clearly anxious to tell us this.
"And every particle in my body tells me not to. But what if my words make a difference?", still debating the question of what to do, even though she already seemed to have her heart set on the answer. "What if I can only move on if I go?"
Neither Lin nor I knew what to say.
Neither of us wanted her to do it.
We just wanted what was best for her.
But neither of us was going to stop her.
Because in all honesty, maybe this was what was going to be the best.
Even if she'd gone down with it.
"I need to do it. I need to. I need to make him see what he's done", Rue's voice was breaking now, on the verge of crying. I wiped the tear that had managed to roll down her right cheek.
"Okay, Niñita. Okay", I said, caving in, desperately giving Lin a look. He nodded at me, agreeing with my reply, as he said the next few words.
"We won't stop you"
Oh, how I hope that this won't make her worse.

—————
Hello, hello, hello!👋
First of all I want to say thank you for the lovely comments on my last chapter. Without y'all this story wouldn't have continued for this long💓

This chapter feels important, for some reason. Vanessa juggling her feelings about Rue's decision, and trying to look out for her. And Rue not knowing what to do, even though she does. I thought it would be interesting to see Rue's quiet state from another perspective, y'know?👀 And yes, she is testifying. How are we all feeling about that?🌷

Things I'm currently excited about: RED (Taylor's version). I was never a Taylor Swift fan when I was younger. Tbh, I was too busy being quirky, thinking that she was lame bc everyone listened to her. How wrong I was. Since the release of folklore I have been obsessed. Maybe because that and evermore sorta applies more to my taste in music? Which then introduced me to the rest of her music and well here I am listening to Cornelia Street again💁‍♀️

Back to the story: I don't know if you've noticed this, but when I'm writing Rue, I'm trying to separate herself from her thoughts. All because I think she's starting to realise that she is not her thoughts. If that makes sense?🌻
Also, this is probably a little weird, but I'm currently re-reading this. Just to get a sense for the story. And I weirdly like it, it's sort of nostalgic. But then it also hits me how long this has been going on. Like five years? And my writing has changed so much. Honestly, rereading this is a whole new experience for me😅

Q of the Day: Who's your favourite musician?🎼
Me? I have a few. Taylor Swift, Dodie and Lorde stand out in the English department. And Veronica Maggio for the Swedish one😌
(Though musicals will always have a special place in my heart ❤️)

With that said, I hope you'll have a good day, morning or evening wherever you are☀️ And, if you liked the chapter, please leave a vote and a comment if you feel like it💓

Sincerely,
H

Published: 8th of November, 2021