[A/N: Yes, this is a long chapter with both ups and down. Make a cup of tea, maybe a snack, and sit down to read for a while. A song I suggest you to listen to at the end of the chapter;
20 questions - Veronica Maggio
Because that song for some reason really resonates with me and how I write Rue. Especially this time🍁🍂
Enjoy!]

"V, I'm leaving to see Dom now!", I announced  as I stood in the doorway to the living room, fully ready since 5 minutes back; absolutely terrified of being late. Though, I did not want to be early either. And so, I had double checked everything twice. Making it four. Which felt right.
Vanessa looked up from her book casually, and laid it next to her. Before standing, she quickly laid eyes on Sebastian, who was playing with all of his toys at once on the mat.
"Alright", she said, smiling as she walked towards me. She saw right through me and my nervousness I'd tried to hide. "Remember to have fun, okay Niñita?", referring to the fact that I was blinking and tapping simultaneously. I nodded, shaking a little. She put her hand on mine, and squeezed it tightly. "It's not needed, Rue. You'll be fine. But be home for dinner, okay?"
I smiled, nodding.
"Okay", I said, yet panically looking at the clock in the bookcase. "Gotta go", I said, walking towards the door, looking at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a pair of cropped mom jeans, and a white t-shirt with black, thin, stripes together with my red converse. I had a plain tote bag thrown over my shoulder, decorated with various pins. In it; everything that might be needed.
"Bye!", and before I closed the door, I spotted Vanessa's excited face. I couldn't help but laugh a little, because of it. At least she wasn't worried about me, or about what could possibly happen.
Not that I could say the same.

Step twice on each step. Up and down; up and down. Don't step on a crack in the floor. Do it again.

I did everything; through and through.

You won't make it.
He'll hate you.

I tried to rationalise, but the slaps of thoughts were hard to ignore. It took a while to get down to the ground floor. I tapped the doorknob four times, took a deep breath or two, and then walked out.

There he stood.
Early, like me.
He looked tired, just like I remembered him. His hair slightly curly, in need of a haircut, flopped over the side. Kind eyes, looking through his glasses, that were new. A blue bomber jacket, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
"Hi!", he greeted me, clearly excited.
"Hi!", I said, and before I knew it, he hugged me quickly. I hadn't hesitated, yet I wasn't prepared; and my instinct was to get away as quickly as possible. "New glasses?", I asked quickly, a little nervous as I turned around to check that the door to the building was locked.
Do it again.
"Yeah", he replied, laughing a little.
Check it again.
I could feel the eyes on me, burning in my neck, as I checked and checked.
"S-sorry, I just have to-", but he cut me off.
"No worries, Ruthers", he said easily. I finally turned around, relieved that the thought was finally out of my mind. Only now did I notice the camera he had hanging over his shoulder. He saw my look. "Oh, right. I brought my camera", he held it up. "Thought I'd snap a few pictures. I actually have someone to photograph, for once?", suggesting that I was the one to be in the photographs.
I raised my left eyebrow hesitantly, joking.
"If you're up for it?", he asked, a little nervously.
I laughed nervously.
"Sure. I'm not very photogenic though", I said, baffled by how easy it was to talk to him. Even in person. I began to walk, trying to have a pace that was normal; even though I was actively avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk.
If you step on a crack your family will die.
The thought was like taking a hit to the heart.
"I don't believe that", he quickly replied, and smiled at me. "And if that's the case, I promise to take your picture anyway"
I smiled back.
"Hah, thanks", I said, laughing. "So, what have you been up to today?", forcing myself to ask questions, trying to sound normal, though I already felt on edge.
We walked by a bodega, the smell of coffee and music from the shop filling my senses. A guy ran out of it, the owner running behind him, cursing and shouting at the guy to stop.
"Well, I haven't stolen anything today...", Dom stated, looking at the chase. I chuckled at his statement. "But I bet I've seen that guy steal stuff in my neighbourhood's bodega too...", he continued. "Pete? Maybe. He does graffiti, I think?"
I shrugged my shoulders, focused on my steps.
"But, to answer your question...", he fished a folded document out of his jacket's right pocket, holding it out to me. "Here"
I took it, giving him a confused look. Then, I read the title.

The perks and cons of The perks of being a wallflower : a review by Dominic Moreau-Fletcher

"You didn't!", I found myself squealing, as I looked to Dom and to the paper in my hand. "Dom! You didn't!", and I pushed him a little, excited and surprised by his actions. I was even jumping a little from exciting; acting like a child on Christmas Day.
"It's the full review, as promised, Ruth", a silly, smug, smile on his face. I returned it, and carefully put the valuable paper in my bag over my shoulder. I replied in the same manner.
"Well, thank you, Dominic. I look very much forward to reading it"

As we made it to Highbridge Park, his presence was the only thing that felt safe. Though, i wasn't far from where I lived - it was further than I'd walked in the past weeks. And though I hadn't seen him physically in months, he held me down to earth. Yet, the routines had built up, and I was going much slower than in the beginning.
Dom didn't even seem to notice. And neither had I, to be honest. I was too focused on talking, and walking, and seeming the way I used to- so the routines somehow were done in the periphery.
"I actually went to that pre-school there", Dominic casually said, pointing out a building by the entrance to the park. "Got banned from playing with the Lego's though. I built too 'advanced' things, they said", he did citation marks with his hands. "And I also refused to let any of the other kids play with my 'creations'"
I laughed, like he did.
"What did you build?", my curiosity winning me over.
He looked at me with a serious gaze.
"Like machines, cars... and buildings. I spent ages making a windmill once, like several days in a row. It was even functional!", he exclaimed, cracking up; I couldn't tell if he was slightly embarrassed or a little proud, or both at the same time.
"Well, that's impressive!", I replied; reminiscing of my own childhood. I had only played with Lego once. It was when I got to my first foster home. And that was before I realised I wasn't supposed to play with the other kids' things. After that I just stopped playing. "I don't think I've ever played with Lego", I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"What?! A crime! Next time, my house, and the box of legos will come out!", he made plans, and I just followed along, not even worried about it in the moment.
"Sure", I told him, feeling my mind planning out what was next, piling up the routines, as I had to get ready for payback time. We walked past a guy selling piragua.

I hadn't noticed, but every time we passed anyone, or got too close to another company, I literally grew smaller and got quiet. But now, looking back, Dom definitely had.

"Hey, do you want piragua?", Dom asked kindly, stopping by the cart. I nodded at him, a little hesitant. The guy looked at us, waiting for the order. "Great! I'll have mango", Dom quickly said, unbothered; already knowing his order.
"Y-yeah, um... mango too, please", I said, my voice small and shaky, but soon I had a mango piragua in my hand.

I was surprised, even pleased with myself.
I had talked to someone I didn't even know. Even if it was to order shaved ice.

"Thanks, Dom", I told him as we walked on the bridge of Highbridge Park, looking out over the water between Manhattan and the Bronx. On the one hand, I was thanking him for paying for the piragua. On the other, it was a thank you for making me go outside my comfort zone.
"No problem", he replied, not thinking much of it, as he looked at me. "Wait! Stay there!", he said, running away from me, with his camera in hand. I was standing in the middle of the bridge, not liking to get too close to the sides, just eating my shaved ice. As he ran away, and even if he was just a few meters away, I felt myself getting smaller; again. I blinked until I realised I couldn't because it was going to show in the photo; and replaced it with counting. He snapped a few pictures, and then quickly ran back to me, and took a few more. I awkwardly tried my best, not used to being in front of the camera.

"These are great!", he exclaimed a little while later, as he looked through the photos. By now, I was sitting on a bench overlooking the view; very much near the sides of the bridge. I nodded at him, putting on a grin. "I'll send them to you after I've edited them", he said, sitting down next to me.
"So you don't go around just photographing people on the street?", I asked, looking at him, as he put down his camera.
"Oh god, I wish!", he exclaimed. "It's scary to ask random people-"
"C'mon, Dom. You're like the most talkative guy I know. And you live in NYC, in the greatest city in the world!", laughing at him. "You can take a picture of literally anyone, and you pick me?", and I jokingly pushed him a little. He rolled his eyes, and took a spoonful of shaved ice before replying.
"Well, you're well worthy of having your picture taken", and I could feel myself getting red.
I tapped a little.
Just to make sure.
"So are you", I said, holding out my hand for him to give me the camera. "Let me take a picture of you", and he handed me the camera. As I awkwardly tried to figure out where to look, how to not make it so blurry and which button to press; he just smiled, entertained by my lousy attempt. He took a spoonful of shaved ice, chuffed with himself. His smug face almost made me annoyed.
Soon, I gave up.
"Dominic! Put it on auto", I instructed sarcastically, a little helpless as I'd practically made every setting even worse than it was from the start. He just continued smiling, and flicked a small switch and pointed at which button I was supposed to press.
"There you go, Ruth", he said, just as sarcastically as me.
I rolled my eyes, and took some rather bad photos. At least I managed to get Dom in them. But, before I could return the camera to its rightful owner, Dom started to give me a lesson on photography basics.
"So if you switch it back to manual, you change the depth there..."

And I just listened to him.
Fascinated by his interest, by his urge to show me his thoughts.
So, I couldn't help myself but to think that have I known you for twenty seconds, or twenty years?

"Wow, you really are a nerd, aren't you?", I told him about twenty minutes later, as we had gone on to discuss a movie he'd seen last week. In fact - he was pursuing me to watch it.
"C'mon, everyone's a bit nerdy-", Dom opposed, clearly knowing that what I had said was true, and stood up. "I'm just nerdy about very specific things"
I followed his lead, as we began to start walking again.
"Like cameras. And movies. And you're weirdly passionate about lego?", I tried to prove my point yet again.
In the distance, the sound of an ambulance could be heard. It was getting closer, and I could feel myself tensing up.
"Okay, okay. So you're not nerdy about anything?", he met me halfway, and bounced the question back to me. The sound was getting louder and I tried my best to ignore it as the flashbacks became more opaque.
The answer to his question was obvious. And it became more clear for every second.
You can't tell him.
You've been so good this far.
You're going to ruin everything you've built up.
He'll realise you're not worthy of him.
He'll hate you.
I hate this.
But I can't stop it.
The sound of the ambulance was ringing in my ear. I twitched to the side, as a response to the sound, while I was trying to answer his question.
"I don't know. I like clothes? And movies, maybe? And singing... and reading, I think? Though, it takes me ages...", I rambled on, a little embarrassed to not have something that I liked doing, while I at the same time tried to ignore the sirens.
And you're also nerdy about every aspect in life.
In fact, you're obsessive.
See that crack in the sidewalk?
Don't step on it.
Someone will die if you do.
Truth be told, I'd never managed to be interested in something so much because I always had something to do next; something that always distracted me.
Dom seemed to be saying something in response, but I couldn't focus on what he was saying.
I hadn't realised I'd stopped to tap to make sure the ambulance didn't have anything to do with me; or even worse, the people around me.
Tap, tap, tap.
Nor had I realised that my heart was going to get a speed ticket. Not the good kind.
Twitch. 23 times.
Start tapping again.
Do it over.
The sirens were only getting closer.
"Sorry, I-", I began, trying to shake it off. I let my head twitch to the side four times. Besides that, I stood completely still, almost paralysed. "I...", I tried to say something again, but I trailed off, my eyes fixed on the ground, my fingers tapping in the pattern I liked. I tried to breath slowly, focusing on that at the same time as I had to do all the other routines. "Sorry... I don't- I don't like ambulances", I told him, feeling as if I had to explain myself. Meanwhile, I was tapping hysterically, just awaiting the ambulance to drive off into the distance.
Outside my ticking time bomb of a bubble, Dom tried to say something to me.
This time I heard.
"I don't know if it helps, but I think it's a police car?", he told me, a humorous tone to his voice.
Now, the sirens was at its loudest, driving on the street next to the park.
His attempt to lighten up the mood made it through the bubble, and resulted in that it actually made me chuckle.
"Not really", I managed to say, forcing out the words, just waiting for the sirens to go away.
"Fire trucks then?", he asked kindly, just standing next to me.
"Um, no, sorry", I squinted my eyes closed, twitched to the side again; over and over.
He didn't say anything else.
Just stayed quiet, and waited for me as I waited for the sirens to go quiet enough.
And I just kept thinking that this was what I hadn't wanted to happen.

That, maybe I was made of stone?
That I didn't know how to; how to change.
I just wanted to go along, continue.
But all I could hear was you.
You.

You've made such a mess.
You're in the way.
Did you tap?

I tapped.
Again.

You're not even trying to hide it.
Why aren't you tapping?
He doesn't like you.
What made you think that?
No one will ever like you.

Maybe I really am made of stone.

About thirty seconds later the sirens were off into the distance.

I waited an extra thirty to make sure they were absolutely gone.

"Sorry", I said, finally looking up at him, after having my head fixated on the ground because of the routines.
"You okay?", he asked me, his kind eyes looking into mine. I put on a smile, and nodded, still a little shaky.
"So you despise sirens... and you live in New York?", he pointed out, raising his eyebrows at me, as we, once again, started walking.
"I know, I know... There's always a siren, somewhere", acknowledging his point. I looked down, again. "So, what are you scared of?", trying to recover from my slight faux pas as the thoughts were screaming inside of me.
Before he had even answered, he was laughing.
"Pigeons?", he shamefully revealed.
And I couldn't help but shove his question right back in his face as I burst out laughing.
"And you live in New York?"

We walked for what felt like five minutes, but it probably was for another hour.
Dom was just so easy to talk to.
His voice and presence made me ignore whatever was around me, whatever was happening in my mind.
He was just undefeated; always going further, never letting himself get thrown down by the things around him.
I think I talked the most I had in months. And I had done it while walking. While I was out in the city. Around strangers, sounds and cars.
And I didn't think I was going to make it.
Did you step on that crack?
You did, didn't you?
Go back and check.
Do it again.
Or someone will die.

"Well, thanks for today", I said, standing on the sidewalk right outside the door to my apartment building. "I had fun", putting a grin on my face, really meaning it.
"It was really great to see you too...", he said back, beaming at me, too. "Ruth"
"Dominic", I said his name, and as I did it, I hugged him. Not the other way around.
I hugged him. Voluntarily.
I had decided to be close to someone.
And it didn't make me feel scared, or little.
It didn't make me feel lesser.
It just made me feel safe.
"See you soon?", I told him, as I let go, but it came out more like a question. I was still a little thrown off by my own actions, my heart getting a speed ticket. But in a good way.
"See you soon", he said, and returned my smile. Undefeated. I turned around, unlocked the door with the four digit code, and walked into the hall. Before the door closed behind me, I looked back at him, waving goodbye. He did the same. I turned back, and I was instantly attacked with the routines that had been building up.
And I just took the hit.
Because today was worth it.

A little later, I sat with Sebastian by his little crafting table, on the little chairs.
"Which colour do you want now, Sebastian?", I asked him, helping him with the watercolours.
"Green!", he exclaimed, pointing at the grassy green colour for me to mix the brush with it. I did so and handed it to him, as he started to mix it with every colour he already had on his paper, and then on his hands, and on the plastic apron he was wearing.
"Dinner's on the table, Rue... Oh god", I heard Lin say behind me, making me laugh.
"I knew we should have made this an after dinner activity. Well, at least he's happy. Aren't you, bud?", and Sebastian giggled, as Lin carefully lifted him up. "Let's go wash all this paint off of your hands"
They walked off, and I went to the dining table, to be met with Vanessa putting out the plates last minute.

Why aren't you tapping?

She quickly noticed me standing by, not knowing what to do, but tapping hysterically.
"You can sit down, Niñita", she said kindheartedly, as she sat down herself. I did so, but continued tapping. Just seconds later, Sebastian came running with Lin right after him; and then Tobi, right behind them. Lin managed to catch Sebastian right before he could run past the table and back to his craft table.
"No, no, Sebastian. It's dinner time", Lin said, putting a fussy Sebastian in his high chair.
I couldn't help but giggle when I saw the frown on his face, until he saw his plate of food in front of him; to which he lit up, and messily started eating. Soon, Vanessa gave me a plate of pasta.
"Thanks", I told her, as I looked at the food in front of me. There wasn't too much on the plate, and the tomato sauce was on the side. It was the simplest of meals: pasta and tomato sauce, which meant that I was more likely to eat more than usual.
"How was it seeing Dom?", Lin asked me, as he kept an eye on Sebastian, while trying to eat himself.
"Good. We walked all the way to Highbridge", I said, trying to contain my feelings about it.
"Rue, that's great!", Vanessa said, clearly excited; which made me happy. I took a small bite, and forced it down my system, because I knew that they were watching me.
"You're not doing the show tonight?", I asked Lin, as I was just playing around with the food on my plate.
"No, that's why I did the matinee", he said, shrugging his shoulders. "There's some final stuff with Moana that's come up, and...", but he trailed off.
The table got quiet.

And so, my spiral began.
They're leaving you.
The unfinished sentence instantly made me worry.
Blink or they'll die.
I started blinking, and put down my fork.
I looked up, wondrous and stressed.
I knew that it didn't necessarily have to be bad.
I was just convinced that it would be.

Vanessa took the word.

"And we got this today", she held up an envelope, holding it out to me. "It's the date of the trial, Niñita. You know we told you about Jade Keita, at my firm? She's really good, Rue, and she'd like to continue to represent you", but I just looked at the letter. The date was about three weeks from now. Just three weeks away. Two days after prom. Three days before the Tony Awards. It would interrupt and mess up every part of my life; and I already knew it.
I slowly digested the facts, and forced myself to nod, as I tapped and blinked. I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him again; or even being in the same room as him.
Start tapping.
Blinking.
Counting.
Twitching.
Scratching.
The last one made me shiver.
I hadn't done that in a while.
I hadn't felt like I had to.
I didn't want to.
And for the first time in a while I saw him before me. Just standing at the other side of that room. Next to me, but across the universe.
I started shaking.
I wasn't in control any longer.
I had to be in control.
"We hoped that he would confess, but it doesn't look like it", Lin said, his tone a little helpless, as I could feel his kind eyes stare into me. But, my head was still down, locked in position.
My arms were aching to get hurt. To be hurt by my own doing. I could feel myself fading away, losing my grip of reality; as the memories kept running back to me.
Simultaneously, I tried to make up for every piece of routine I'd missed today. Or any other day, to be honest. Longing to be in control again; thinking it would make him go away.
It was as if I was there again.
With him.
I could feel it in my gut, in my heart, and in my head. The uneasy feeling, like a heavy stone on top of me. His eyes watching my every move, as I pressed myself into the corner of that room.
My heart was pounding now, but I tried to hide it. I didn't want them to see. I'd been so good, I'd been getting better. I didn't want this.
Scratch your wrists.
Come on.
Scratch your wrists.
And deep down, I knew that they could see that I was beginning to panic - even though I was miserably trying to hide it.
"But, Rue - you don't have to go. You don't have to explain yourself, because you're not well. Dr Noma, and all the others at the hospital can testify to that. Jade has your statement you made to the police, and all the other documents. There are more witnesses, and, Niñita, he won't win. He will never be near you, ever again", Vanessa said, trying to reassure me in every way possible, and took my hand as my routines had increased. Maybe because she saw a tendency towards scratching up my old wounds again.
I was still on mute.
Trying to get back in control.
Three weeks.
Twenty one days.
Five hundred and four hours.
Just the thought of it made me feel sick.
I could feel his hands on my throat now.
Pressing on my airways.
And I tried to breath, but I couldn't seem to catch the air; and at the same time I didn't want to alert them.
"We just wanted you to know that it was happening. That this whole thing will come to an end, and that you don't have to be a part of it", Lin told me, his voice calm and caring. He didn't hurry through it, knowing it would stress me out.
I squinted my eyes closed, as if it would make the flashbacks stop.
As if it wouldn't make me see him. Or feel him. Or make the feeling of being choked go away. Of feeling his hands around my neck; restricting my airways.
Making me skip for air.
"It's okay, Niñita. Just breathe", Vanessa said, squeezing my hand, noticing my behaviour. But I could barely feel it. I just felt uneasy, all over my body. Making me so small. Like a bellyache that never went away.
I felt a tear run down my cheek.
Blink, tap, twitch, count, scratch.
His face unkind, his eyes dark, his voice sharp.
His body on mine. Weighing me down.
Making me feel so small.
His hands around my throat.
I was skipping for air now, trying to take a deep breath; but my body wouldn't let me. I took my hand up to my neck; but there was nothing there.
His voice so loud.
Shouting at me.
It's your fault.
Hide it.
It's always your fault.
Why aren't you tapping?
Tap!
I couldn't breath.
My chest was hurting now.
My surroundings became stop motion; switching between reality and the things in my mind.

But I couldn't breath.

"Rue?", Lin worriedly said, his voice staying his, breaking through the bubble. Maybe he'd seen me slowly fade away; my eyes getting empty. I could hear him hastily walking over, putting his hands on my arms, holding tight - trying to keep me upright. "V, get her head!", he sounded stressed, because he knew what was next.
I was going to fall; and drown in my own routines.
Drown in my own thoughts.
Drown in my own mind.
And it was so frightening.
I was going to lose control of my body, and there was nothing I, or Vanessa, or Lin, could do about it. It was the overload; the short circuit of being me.
The build up to it was the scariest part.
His presence got louder, nearer and realer.
Until I couldn't see, hear or feel him anymore.
It was unbearable; knowing what was next, and still not knowing.
Knowing that I would have to let go.
And so, my body gave up.
It was just as terrifying as always.
Everything was just pitch black.
Not a sound to be heard but my pounding heart and quick breaths.
And I just had to endure it.
Though, I had already fallen once today.

—————
Hello hello hello!👋
Ending on a cliffhanger. Haven't done that in a while, eh? I've got some drama planned😌

So, how are we all? I got and recovered from my second cold this month. Much fun. Guess everyone's immune system is shit after almost two years of COVID. Besides that; just studying, working and ever so often writing this. Also, I'm just very happy about all the shows reopening, seeing all the casts post on social media. The world is really feeling a bit more normal now🪴

And, I want you to know, that I really hope this fanfic is still interesting? That it isn't, I don't know, taking to long or the chapters are too long or that I'm focusing too much on Rue?👀 Please leave a comment if you have any thoughts or ideas on how it could be improved💕 Because sometimes I just feel like I'm writing the same thing over and over again and it's not interesting anymore😕

Big question. Are you all liking Dom? Should he and his floppy hair and nerdy self stay? Cuz I really like him🙈

Also. I wasn't planning on this chapter being so long. I actually had to cut the last portion out: but that just means good news as I've already started writing the next chapter🌻

Q of the Day: Ask questions in the comments and we can start a little conversation🌷
Me? I'll start in honour of Rue and Dom's conversation: what's something you're scared of?

Well - I really hope you liked this chapter! If you did, please leave a vote and maybe a comment too💓

Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 2nd of November, 2021